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Nothing To Look Forward To


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#1 PillowandBlanket

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Posted 21 October 2009 - 01:11 AM

I suffer from depression but I noticed after reading a lot of people's stories in here that mine seems mild compared to other people who seem to suffer horrible debilitation depression. Of course my heart goes out to all of you who suffer so much. Thing is I do not know if mine can really be called mild. It can hit me hard off and on. I would say it is normally mild to medium but never seems to go away and when something happens I cannot handle it gets worse to the point of me hating life and being very scared.
I have fibromyalgia so it makes the depression worse and I always think if I did not have that I would not be so depressed. But I have had it since I was a small child, the depression, so it is hard to say.

My point of this post is because it is hard for me to get out and do anything I really have nothing to look forward to. I am unmotivated by things I used to enjoy around the house, my old hobbies and books and other things. I have a problem doing anything significant. I do take care of my grandkids a lot and I help my immediate family when I can but I am talking about having something enjoyable to look forward to. All I see in front of me is my eventual death. I am not so depressed that I want that. I fear it in fact. It scares me. I feel I have not really lived and I want that chance.

But I miss the excitement of my old hobbies and things I used to do. Like fossil hunting. I live a few dozen miles from a place I know where fossils are and I want to go but I cannot go alone because of my condition. My husband is on call all summer so cannot take me and I really do not want my daughter taking me because it would be nice for me to just be able to relax. Our children, even grown can be demanding at times and I want something to just be about me. I do not have that. I cannot even play music without it being interrupted all the time. I use to play it all the time in my room when I needed that uplifting. Now I cannot enjoy it. It was one of the things that has gotten me through life. I am depressed more than usual this week and feel so down.

Sometimes I feel my life is coming to an end and I get convinced I am going to die. Silly but it is coming from somewhere. I think it is because I feel there is nothing left for me here. I do not expect to be entertained all the time or even at all, not by others at least, but having something to look forward to is an important thing in life. I cannot get motivated for that. I look around and want to do things for a minute and then lose interest completely.
Does this happen to anyone out there?

It is autumn here now and it seems worse because it is dark, cold and dingy outside. I hate that. I can feel it affecting me mentally. I like the sun. My mood is better when there is sun.

I have a family situation that is getting me down too, and today I found out my husband is stressed out quite a bit. I have never seen him like that. I wanted to ask why but I was afraid to because I am already stressed out about other things and too much stress makes my condition worse. But still just knowing he is upset is making me hate life. I feel like I might lose my family. I tend to overdramatize things in my head, not outwardly but inside of me where no one can see. Sometimes I do panic and feel like my world is ending. I do not want to lose control of myself again like I did a few months ago. I was a horrible mess but most of it was internalized with intermittent crying.

I just cannot enjoy my life at all. Everything is grudge work. I cannot leave and go on vacation. If I could I would. I would drive to the coast if I had the money and free time but I do not.
Depression is so.......depressing. Oh and everyone is starting to get sick around here.

I feel very alone right now. My only good friend abandoned me and I use to be able to talk to her. The last thing she said to me is that the problem was not me, it was her. She has depression too. Thing is I am rationalizing the loss by telling myself I am glad she is gone because she was a burden to me anyway. I do not know if I am lying to myself to protect my feelings or it is true. My mother abandoned me so this is a huge issue for me. I do not go where I am not wanted. So I do not try to contact her.
It is not about pride on my part I just think if people want to be left alone it should be respected.

I came in here because I feel so bad and alone. I am tired of life. But I do not want to be. I want to be interested in things again. I won't take meds for personal reasons. There are some things I can do to help myself but sometimes I get tired of that too. It is not that I want to be depressed, it is just I feel so weary and tired because it is a constant battle.

Ok I am done here. I just needed to contact the world so I know I am not alone. Thanks.

PillowandBlanket

#2 Tora

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Posted 21 October 2009 - 01:24 AM

I suffer from depression but I noticed after reading a lot of people's stories in here that mine seems mild compared to other people who seem to suffer horrible debilitation depression. Of course my heart goes out to all of you who suffer so much. Thing is I do not know if mine can really be called mild. It can hit me hard off and on. I would say it is normally mild to medium but never seems to go away and when something happens I cannot handle it gets worse to the point of me hating life and being very scared.
PillowandBlanket


For the longest time I refused to admit that maybe something was bothering me more than just having a "few bad days" every once in a while. It was hard, because a part of me knows my life is not different, no worse than any of my friends, and that I've been given amazing gifts - accepting that I have depression sometimes seems like I'm denying that fact.

But the people on this forum are going through the same things, and working hard to make things better, to get help when it seems like no one else is there. Maybe you could try joining some sort of social club or activity in your area? Take a class from a community center, join a choir or ensemble? It's always said that when you're feeling like you're getting nowhere fast, the best cure is to take the chance, and jump forward into something new and potentially interesting. As for missing the sun (I can definitely empathize with that, living in a very cloudy, rainy city) do you think that your depression could be seasonally affected? Talk to your doctor - he may prescribe time spent under these special light lamps to help (a.k.a prescribed sunbathing).

I wish you all the best, take advantage of the good days when they come, and push through the bad!

#3 Guest_iowa_*

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Posted 21 October 2009 - 01:29 AM

(((( PillowandBlanket )))) We can't compare our pain or someone else's to anyone's. Each pain is painful to the person and we all percieve pain differently. It must be horrible to be in pain all the time, and to have a chronic illness on top of that makes it all that much worse.
I can understand that you don't want the additional burden and pain of knowing why your husband is stressed more than he normally is. All of us dealing with depression and anxiety on a day-to-day basis tend to make everything into a drama in our thoughts. You aren't alone feeling alone -- so many of us do. This isn't to minimize your feeling at all, just to say that it typical of depression. It's horrible. It feels terrible when everything seems to be anxiety provoking and difficult to deal with. Being and feeling alone it all just makes us feel more miserable and it causes us pain in the heart.
I totally understand what it feels like to feel tired of life. We just grow so weary of the effort it takes just to get through each day. We're tired because no one really understands how we feel, what pain we're in. This leads us into deeper and darker places. You don't want to go there.
We need to find any spark of hope and light that we can find and focus on that. We need to do the best we can in the face of seemingly unsurmountable difficulties. There was a popular song once "Dream the Impossible Dream". That's what we have to do to get us out of the dark spaces: Dream the (seemingly) impossible dream. Dream and hope for getting better enough to enjoy your hobbies and be able to ask your husband what's wrong, etc.
I will send you lots of positive thoughts and energy and send the same for you into the Universe.
Iowa

#4 Spiffyfirefly

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Posted 21 October 2009 - 03:53 AM

You aren't alone in feeling alone. I understand nearly everything you've said... I feel the same way.

@Iowa

We need to find any spark of hope and light that we can find and focus on that.


I don't know how to do this. There is no spark, there is no light... it's all gone

Problems cannot be solved at the same level of awareness that created them. ~Albert Einstein


#5 PillowandBlanket

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Posted 21 October 2009 - 02:05 PM

You aren't alone in feeling alone. I understand nearly everything you've said... I feel the same way.

@Iowa

We need to find any spark of hope and light that we can find and focus on that.


I don't know how to do this. There is no spark, there is no light... it's all gone



Spiffyfirefly, right now iowa is the spark. Everyone who responds in here or anywhere is the spark. I know that sounds corny but love is like a fire that can spread and when people, anyone, reaches out to you that is a spark from the fire. The problem we depressed people have sometimes is recognizing the spark. I have been so very down and still am off and on but I have never given up. I have believed there was nothing for me here but part of me held on to the hope there is. There are people who are better at helping others in here than me and I do not want to say the wrong thing. Just keep coming to DF and let people know your pain and do not give up. As long as there is a DF there is at least one spark.
I just realized my post wasn't about me. I mean it was but look what it did, it brought you here. There is still a spark left inside you.

PillowandBlanket

#6 PillowandBlanket

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Posted 21 October 2009 - 02:15 PM

I suffer from depression but I noticed after reading a lot of people's stories in here that mine seems mild compared to other people who seem to suffer horrible debilitation depression. Of course my heart goes out to all of you who suffer so much. Thing is I do not know if mine can really be called mild. It can hit me hard off and on. I would say it is normally mild to medium but never seems to go away and when something happens I cannot handle it gets worse to the point of me hating life and being very scared.
PillowandBlanket


For the longest time I refused to admit that maybe something was bothering me more than just having a "few bad days" every once in a while. It was hard, because a part of me knows my life is not different, no worse than any of my friends, and that I've been given amazing gifts - accepting that I have depression sometimes seems like I'm denying that fact.

But the people on this forum are going through the same things, and working hard to make things better, to get help when it seems like no one else is there. Maybe you could try joining some sort of social club or activity in your area? Take a class from a community center, join a choir or ensemble? It's always said that when you're feeling like you're getting nowhere fast, the best cure is to take the chance, and jump forward into something new and potentially interesting. As for missing the sun (I can definitely empathize with that, living in a very cloudy, rainy city) do you think that your depression could be seasonally affected? Talk to your doctor - he may prescribe time spent under these special light lamps to help (a.k.a prescribed sunbathing).

I wish you all the best, take advantage of the good days when they come, and push through the bad!


I thought about joining something but because I watch my young grandchildren and the hours are always different I cannot make plans to go whenever I want. With the economy the way it is I am surprised anyone can afford childcare. But I would rather they were with someone who loves them then someone who is just being paid to watch them. My daughter works days sometimes and nights sometimes, it changes every week. Also in the last couple years our income has been short many thousands of dollars so I cannot afford things. I am amazed for example the enormous amount of money it would cost me to join something so I could go swimming. Going swimming once is not what I want. But I do not have the extra $100 a month it would take to go swimming anywhere around here. We are helping to support 3 extra people on a semi retired income. Semi because my husband cannot retire even though he is retired from his old job. He is looking for a job now. I think the weather and our legal situation is causing me the most depression right now. But I will agree with one thing, I do need to get out. A trip to get groceries wears me out after about 20 minutes. That is my chronic fatigue. When the youngest starts school I might be able to at least have the time to go out more. Thanks for caring.


PillowandBlanket

#7 PillowandBlanket

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Posted 21 October 2009 - 02:35 PM

(((( PillowandBlanket )))) We can't compare our pain or someone else's to anyone's. Each pain is painful to the person and we all percieve pain differently. It must be horrible to be in pain all the time, and to have a chronic illness on top of that makes it all that much worse.
I can understand that you don't want the additional burden and pain of knowing why your husband is stressed more than he normally is. All of us dealing with depression and anxiety on a day-to-day basis tend to make everything into a drama in our thoughts. You aren't alone feeling alone -- so many of us do. This isn't to minimize your feeling at all, just to say that it typical of depression. It's horrible. It feels terrible when everything seems to be anxiety provoking and difficult to deal with. Being and feeling alone it all just makes us feel more miserable and it causes us pain in the heart.
I totally understand what it feels like to feel tired of life. We just grow so weary of the effort it takes just to get through each day. We're tired because no one really understands how we feel, what pain we're in. This leads us into deeper and darker places. You don't want to go there.
We need to find any spark of hope and light that we can find and focus on that. We need to do the best we can in the face of seemingly unsurmountable difficulties. There was a popular song once "Dream the Impossible Dream". That's what we have to do to get us out of the dark spaces: Dream the (seemingly) impossible dream. Dream and hope for getting better enough to enjoy your hobbies and be able to ask your husband what's wrong, etc.
I will send you lots of positive thoughts and energy and send the same for you into the Universe.
Iowa


You are right. Our pain is what we have to live with and others being worse off do not make it easier for us.

I did finally ask my husband this morning what was wrong. I did not have the courage yesterday to ask for a couple reasons. First one was he is usually the rock and does not express such things and because he did I was terrified to ask because it had to be something horrible (in my mind) to get him to that place. Another reason I did not ask is because if I express any kind of problem I have he, in a nutshell, tells me to get over it. I found it interesting that he was in a place I am not allowed to be in. He has no compassion for others. That does not mean I do not for him, it is just I was not sure how to deal with it.
I finally did ask and he did not say what it was but indicated to me it was a bunch of different things he needed to solve or get done. Also it is a money issue. We are short on what we need to live on for the second year in a row. He is retired so he is looking for a job. We are supporting grandchildren that someone else should be supporting but they do not because they are lazy and selfish and do not want their "high" disturbed. So I think his plate is full and it is getting to him.
I remember that song. I heard it when I was young and was enthralled by it. Your energy must have reached me because I am feeling better. I am also using a kind of visual meditation that is helping me (when I use it). I tried it on my husband who is not open to anything and it helped him.
Of course it seems to wear off after awhile, but all stress relievers need to be repeated to keep working. Thanks for being here to uplift me iowa. That goes for everyone who responded to me.

PillowandBlanket

#8 SecretMist

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Posted 21 October 2009 - 09:14 PM

((((((((Pillow))))))))

I'm so sorry that you are going through so much pain. To be honest I can totally relate to what you are going through. I do try to move on but there are things that are just so hard and painful that holds be back and gives me a hopeless feeling. I have to keep myself occupied in order to keep from falling apart, it's not that I am trying to lie to myself to cover the pain, it's just that I need time to grieve and it may not make sense to you but no matter what kind of pain or loss we can not compare it to others that may seem worse off then us as pain can be so deep within our hearts and souls and it hurts. Each person has their own different kinds of pain but that doesn't mean that their pain is worse then ours or that ours is worse then theirs. My heart goes out to you and I do hope that you may find some peace within yourself soon.

*********************************
If we can't stand alone to help ourselves,
with support we shall stand together
to make the changes and a difference within our lives
and the lives of all for the better.
******************************************



#9 PillowandBlanket

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Posted 21 October 2009 - 11:52 PM

((((((((Pillow))))))))

I'm so sorry that you are going through so much pain. To be honest I can totally relate to what you are going through. I do try to move on but there are things that are just so hard and painful that holds be back and gives me a hopeless feeling. I have to keep myself occupied in order to keep from falling apart, it's not that I am trying to lie to myself to cover the pain, it's just that I need time to grieve and it may not make sense to you but no matter what kind of pain or loss we can not compare it to others that may seem worse off then us as pain can be so deep within our hearts and souls and it hurts. Each person has their own different kinds of pain but that doesn't mean that their pain is worse then ours or that ours is worse then theirs. My heart goes out to you and I do hope that you may find some peace within yourself soon.



It has not always been this way but for the last few years I have been feeling trapped in my own life in a place where I feel helpless to change things. Other people have also caused me problems that I have to deal with. I feel resentments about that sometimes. Thing is my life is not just my own and I cannot abandon my family in their time of need because I know I am not perfect and have made mistakes and I did not have anyone to help me. I do not want my daughter to end up feeling alone like I have. So I am the one who is stepping in to help. There is no one else. But at the same time I spend 6 days a week watching small children and I have to deal with the fibromyalgia too. On top of that they live here and there is no peace and quiet. I cannot just leave. Even if I wanted to (and many times I do want to), it is not like I am flowing with the money to do it. It is my living situation that is causing most of my depression right now. Also the court thing is not over with. What does help is coming in here and having people respond with uplifting words even as they themselves are having a hard time. You have no idea how much I appreciate that. No one in my family (siblings or parents) ever took the time to find out how I felt about anything. I have a total of 8 siblings and not one of them cares about me and never has. They are very self centered people. Makes me wonder if I am that way too, but I do not think so because for years I tried to be there for them and keep contact and they were not interested. The 4 people who were supposed to be my parents never even looked at me except to abuse me or criticize me.
I am sorry for what you are going through, it gives me strength at times knowing people who are hurting can be here for others. My own family never could but someone I do not even know can.\
Today has been hard because the children were very unruly and hard to deal with. I do not mind playful noise, I love it. But when they are fighting with each other or throwing a tantrum or being loud just to be loud and it goes on and on it gets to me. I am talking about all day not just an hour or so. I know children need to be noisy sometimes. So I am feeling almost tearful because sometimes it feels like things will not get better. Inside I know it will but when you are drained it feels like it never will.
And when I think about the court case I feel like the world is overrun with evil and evil always wins because good refuses to play dirty. I need a break because the stress has been so constant. If this case would finish I could at least let go of that. This has been the worst year of my life. It is even worse then the year I almost died. Maybe I would not say that if I was transported back to that year though. I miss my friend, the one I had to talk to. I feel lost and abandoned.
Sometimes I come in here and say I feel better and I do but I think that is the results of the pain meds I take. It relieves me of stress as well as pain. A side effect, but the problem is when it wears off I feel even more depressed sometimes. I dont take a lot of it, one per day. I do not allow myself more. I am rambling now, but it is all what is inside of me and wants to get out. I am lonely I guess. I have a family but it does not guarantee a person will not be lonely. I cannot talk to them. They do not want to hear it. It makes me wonder why we pair off and make more of us. So many are alone. I know I am.
I did manage to do a little genealogy today. But I have some important projects I need to finish and I haven't done it for over a year. I feel like God is disappointed in me as a person, like I was a bad mother, a bad wife, a bad kid. Wow look at all the self pity. Ok I am done. Time for some meditation I think.
Thank you SecretMist for caring. I still have hope.

PillowandBlanket

#10 tweak

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Posted 23 October 2009 - 01:25 AM

I had to leave work and go on disability. I'm lucky if I can make ends meet at all, so there is nothing left for any type of entertainment or travel. I sit on the couch at my computer, day after day. Once a month I go to my doctor, and that's my "big trip" of the month.




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