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[chaku]

I have been trying to think more positively lately, working towards maybe getting a job and getting off of disability, but have been really frustrated with the way life is for the poorer section of society. I have been particularly frustrated with the concept of renting your life away, basically paying already richer people for the privilege of working.

My whole family has basically been on life support for the past 5 years, all of us frequently suicidal and suffering from depression, anxiety, isolation, and trips to the mental hospital. None of us have a good work history: I have none with no high school diploma, my brother has about a years worth of minimum wage and a G.E.D., and my mother has been out of work for about 7 years now.

My brother recently got onto disability,(about a month ago) so that makes all of us at the moment, but I am young and can't help but to believe that I can't live the rest of my life this way. I am 21 and will be 22 in eleven more days, and cannot imagine living my life taking money from the government and paying day to day for the right to be warm, clean, and safe from theives, murderers, and rapists.

Other than my obvious problems with depression/anxiety/suicidal thoughts/issues of morality which I have discussed here quite a few times before, I am mainly having two problems: staying on disability, and hating the concept of there being a lower class of people that simply have to pay the richer class of people to have very basic needs met, like housing, heat, and safety from harm.

Deep down I know that I am pretty messed up, coming from an unstable family with my mother being abused really badly when she was younger, and now just living day to day on disability, and my father who is now dead trying to **** our family when I was a baby. I know that it is a struggle for me to even go to the store and buy food, which I often won't do by myself, much less do all of the things that everyone else does like work, pay bills, or even leave my house. It hurts so much to even leave sometimes.

But I am too young... I could live for another 60 years, and the amount of the government's money that they would have to give me to survive feels like way too much. So I feel really guilty a lot of the time, and it makes me more depressed.

As far as the class system in America goes, it really bothers me that people can work very hard for a full 40 hours a week and still not be able to afford to buy a place to live because they are too poor. The fact that people have to resort to paying rent, never buying a home or property no matter how many years they spend paying, frustrates me so much. People wind up essentially paying those who are richer for the right to work, instead of working for their right to own a home.

I think I just need to vent right now, I have been trying to focus on good things enough lately to not be suicidal, but usually thinking constructively makes me really depressed.

Edited by chaku, 08 February 2006 - 10:17 PM.

[kc6cfb]

I know how you feel.
I'm on disability, and you can't ever put extra cash away (as little as it is, month to month) in the hopes of buying something of your own, like a good used car or Heaven-forbide a home of some sort. Everything must be reported, and deducted.

I need a house of my own so badly. Rent in my neighborhood is roughly $1200 per month for a 2-bedroom home or apartment. I only make $792 (as does my sister). Our rent eats up more than half of our combined
monthly benefits. This winter our gas bills have been $180 (Dec), and $194 (Jan)....we averaged a total gas/electric bill of only $57 per month from May '05 through November. We're being robbed by Pacific Gas & Electric, but there's nothing we can do about it. How do we eat? Basically a lot of beans, rice, raman noodles, and charity....

I tried to contact Habitat for Humanity. They recently completed a project in the area, and they gave me such a list of things I must have and do, just to be considered for a home, that I just walked away. I have zero options. And I worry about my sister and her son. If I die, they have no one. Mentally, she functions about as well as a bright 5-year old (she's 40), while he (he's 19) functions about as well as an 10 -year old . I'd feel a little peace of mind if I knew, okay, if I die at least they have a home of there own. I'm teaching my nephew how to pay bills, and shop, and he's picking things up. He'd be able to help himself and his mother carry on. But with rents growing month after month, unless we get our own home now we're going to be priced into the streets. I'd even settle for a little house no bigger than a studio apartment! Heck, I'd sleep on the floor. No problem. Just knowing that it's our place...we own it, would help me sleep better than I have in years.

[Sheepwoman]

chaku,
I can feel for you as I am on disability, too. My income barely meets my needs on a monthly basis. I fortunately have my own home. I bought my farm before I became disabled and unable to work (I cannot take the least amount of stress). The mortgage eats up most of my income, but I own this place. I worked hard for it and was able to put away some $$ from my salary. Now, I'm slowly eating up my savings.

Setting that goal to get out and go to work is good. What do you think you'd be able to do? How many people could you tolerate being around? Just some wuestions to ask yourself. Build yourself a plan that is reasonable.

I, tpp, dislike taking money from the government; however, I also paid in to SS for years. That takes some of the guilt away. What I get is what I will get when I turn 65. Not very bright with the rising costs of utilities, insurance and a few other things (I currently heat my house via a wood stove and I get free firewood that I have to split myself). I am trying to get my driver's license back as I am getting tired of having to rely on others to get me to the bus or grocery shopping. I have no one else in my family to support which also helps. The other members are able to function at a very high level and all have decent paying jobs. My neice is also putting herself through college without student loans. I give her a lot of credit as she is holding down 2 jobs and getting high grades. She definitely is higher functioning-even better than her mom. She will go a long way with her life and she is fully stable.

Sheepwoman

[chaku]

Kc6cfb, it sounds like your situation is quite a bit worse than mine, I really feel for you. Where do you live? I live in Washington State, and my mother managed to get our family on Section 8 housing assistance. We can actually pay the rent right now every month, with a little bit of extra money left over. Have you checked in to see if there are any programs like this to help you at least pay rent, if not own a home? I really hope things work out for you, if anyone deserves a house it is you.


Sheepwoman, the idea of getting a job is one I have had for quite a while, but my situation is so complicated right now that I am worried that it will make it worse. I live in my mother's home right now, she gets housing assistance, electrical assitance, we both get disability, she takes over 2000 dollars a month in medications with medical assistance, and if I bring in any extra income other than my disability money, we have no clue which one of those is going to disapear. I really do not want to take away any of her assistance because shes needs it. My mother and her boyfriend have basically told me that it is best to not get a job, because it will probably make all our lives worse. I can definately see where they are coming from.

The other problem is that I am messed up. I hardly ever leave my home, and when I do I often get stressed out and suicidal. I can't talk to strangers very well, especially in crowded places. I have no work history, never completed school, can't drive, and don't have anyone to talk to when I am down aside from my family, and you all here. Honestly, just being suicidal every week or so, probably wouldn't make me the best worker.

How much of a job could I take? I think I have this part figured out. If I could hold down a job there would have to be a few things that were present at the job: Supportive people, not too difficult manual labor, and not so disgustingly gross I can't handle it.

I need people to be supportative of me or I can't function. I am not saying that people can't fire me if I can't do the job, but I can't take head games and mean people. Everyone I know that has a job has management that is based on competition and playing games to get raises, like having the right thing to say at the right time to earn your money. I just need simple people who will look at the work I do, appreciate it, and not judge me too much otherwise.

I am like 140 pounds, have never been athletic and simply will never be able to do some of the really intensive jobs out there. So I need to find something I am physically capable of doing.

There are just some things that are too gross for me. An example would be that I hate seafood so much that working in a fish processing place would just be too much. I don't really know where I draw the line here, but it does exist, and is a factor.

I don't know to what extent my phobias of people would come into play, I would like to think that if I had nice people that I could feel comfortable around, I could get used to them. I have never been in that situation before, so I don't have a clue.

Another problem I have, is that I am phone phobic, and can rarely even order a pizza, much less call around hunting for jobs. I just get so stressed out.

I guess I don't even know what I want, it is like I have an argument in my head all the time, and don't even know which side is right. I am not good at making major decisions either, as I am sure anyone who read this can tell.

Thank you both for your support, Kc6cfb and Sheepwoman, I really appreciate it. It's nice to hear from people that are outside of my family right now.

[Jkm]

You could try a volunteer position.
You could be the one to pick out where you wanted to volunteer.
You would reap the benefits of having a place to be and helping other people out.
You could see how much stress would be involved in having to be somewhere one time, taking instruction from other people, ect.
You could decide whether it would be worth it to get a job and have your own place, as you've stated that you would add too mcuh income to your Mother and she'd loose some of her benefits.

It wouldn't be so risky-- sort of an experiment to see how much you could tolerate, without having to loose your benefits or home.

What do you think?

Jackie

[chaku]

I have considered volunteering before, but have always been afraid that upon seeing me working, someone will force me into a job before I am ready. My fears may not even be justified, maybe I am allowed to work this at my own pace, I don't really know. I was going to try things through the Department of Vocational Rehabilitation, but my mother is doing that right now and tells me that they are really pushy. She and her boyfriend believe they are trying to get her to volunteer so they can force her into a job and get her off of disability as soon as possible, not when it would benefit her.

Cohousing is something I have never even thought about Art.Chick, that is an interesting idea. I am so used to being isolated now that it would be a really big change, and don't know whether it would be good or bad. That would definately depend a lot on the particular community, as I have issues with having people too close. I mainly have issues with sexuality, and can't handle people doing that so close to me. Thats the main reason why I don't consider having roomates my own age. I will have to look into cohousing, thanks for the idea.

If I was religious, I could definately see where a monastery would be an interesting solution. While I have grown a lot to be able to appreciate religion, I am pretty sure that I will never be a follower of any except my own. I really can appreciate lots of the positive messages within many religions, but the basic idea of following someone else's ideology, especially if I would be punished somehow otherwise doesn't work too well with me. To me differences should be appreciated, not punished.

It looks like I have a lot to think about. You both picked up on my fear of taking big risks, but I think that at some point I will have to try something.

Right now I need to try and focus on moving to a different home which is more stress than I want right now, so I think I will put all this stuff on hold until we can figure out where we are going to live. Our landlord will let everyone in our complex have animals except us and I have a stray cat that I have been feeding. I don't want to lose my kitty. I love my cat, and would rather live somewhere else with her than here without her.

I have never been part of a movement before Art.Chick, maybe we poor people do need to represent ourselves in some way. I suspected as much on Welfare, the government seems obsessed with keeping the money in circulation as soon as possible, instead of putting the money where it would benifit the recipients. If they would just let me have some sort of fund towards a long term housing situation it would ease my mind a lot. Then again, the government is already very far into debt right now, and I am sure this war didn't help that either, so maybe they really can't afford to not have the money immediately back in circulation?