My whole family has basically been on life support for the past 5 years, all of us frequently suicidal and suffering from depression, anxiety, isolation, and trips to the mental hospital. None of us have a good work history: I have none with no high school diploma, my brother has about a years worth of minimum wage and a G.E.D., and my mother has been out of work for about 7 years now.
My brother recently got onto disability,(about a month ago) so that makes all of us at the moment, but I am young and can't help but to believe that I can't live the rest of my life this way. I am 21 and will be 22 in eleven more days, and cannot imagine living my life taking money from the government and paying day to day for the right to be warm, clean, and safe from theives, murderers, and rapists.
Other than my obvious problems with depression/anxiety/suicidal thoughts/issues of morality which I have discussed here quite a few times before, I am mainly having two problems: staying on disability, and hating the concept of there being a lower class of people that simply have to pay the richer class of people to have very basic needs met, like housing, heat, and safety from harm.
Deep down I know that I am pretty messed up, coming from an unstable family with my mother being abused really badly when she was younger, and now just living day to day on disability, and my father who is now dead trying to **** our family when I was a baby. I know that it is a struggle for me to even go to the store and buy food, which I often won't do by myself, much less do all of the things that everyone else does like work, pay bills, or even leave my house. It hurts so much to even leave sometimes.
But I am too young... I could live for another 60 years, and the amount of the government's money that they would have to give me to survive feels like way too much. So I feel really guilty a lot of the time, and it makes me more depressed.
As far as the class system in America goes, it really bothers me that people can work very hard for a full 40 hours a week and still not be able to afford to buy a place to live because they are too poor. The fact that people have to resort to paying rent, never buying a home or property no matter how many years they spend paying, frustrates me so much. People wind up essentially paying those who are richer for the right to work, instead of working for their right to own a home.
I think I just need to vent right now, I have been trying to focus on good things enough lately to not be suicidal, but usually thinking constructively makes me really depressed.
Edited by chaku, 08 February 2006 - 10:17 PM.