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I Really Wish I Could Just Die


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28 replies to this topic

#1 Guest__Spiral__*

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Posted 06 September 2009 - 06:05 PM

I really wish I could just die even though it would be such a waste at this point. I probably won't hurt as many people as other cause outside my family, no one else even know I exist. My social and love life isn't just non-existence, simply put it doesn't exist. I almost got kick out of college but got back in due to a letter of appeal that got accepted. My parents are unsupported of my health, they don't really care how I feel. The best time of my life is when I'm dreaming, only to be awaken by reality. I wake up and go outside and the house is completely empty just like my life. Technically by now I am already dead but not physically. I guess I was dead a long time ago, but not to the point that I can't wake up.

#2 SecretMist

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Posted 06 September 2009 - 06:32 PM

I really wish I could just die even though it would be such a waste at this point. I probably won't hurt as many people as other cause outside my family, no one else even know I exist. My social and love life isn't just non-existence, simply put it doesn't exist. I almost got kick out of college but got back in due to a letter of appeal that got accepted. My parents are unsupported of my health, they don't really care how I feel. The best time of my life is when I'm dreaming, only to be awaken by reality. I wake up and go outside and the house is completely empty just like my life. Technically by now I am already dead but not physically. I guess I was dead a long time ago, but not to the point that I can't wake up.


hello spiral,

i'm sorry that you are in such a dark place right now. there is hope for you. have you seen a pdoc or therapist? if so you may need some med changes and need to see you doctor. if you are feeling so low that would rather die then you may want to call a help line to talk with someone, maybe even go to the er if you continue to feel this way. sometimes like our parents don't seem to understand depression or was brought up them selves to keep things silent. do you have any other family or friends that you could talk with or even a school counselor? sometimes it is the dreams that we have that keeps us going for someday we can and will see some of the beauty of those dreams. keep posting here for we can be a great support system for you.

*********************************
If we can't stand alone to help ourselves,
with support we shall stand together
to make the changes and a difference within our lives
and the lives of all for the better.
******************************************



#3 Guest_CH1980_*

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Posted 07 September 2009 - 12:49 PM

Hey Spiral, I'm sorry you're feeling this way. What kind of dreams do you have? Congrats on getting back into college! Maybe you could meet one or two interesting people in your classes, just for someone to talk to? :-) And of course you're always welcome to talk here, too.

#4 clion

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Posted 07 September 2009 - 01:20 PM

Hi Spiral,

You did a courageous thing to reach out to this forum and tell people your situation. That's a big first step. You will find that you are not alone in your suffering (that helped me feel alittle better). I hope you can go to your school health dept. and talk with a counselor or find a therapist in the phone book. Often you can go talk with them for 20 min. the first time to see if you like them (basically interviewing them). Having someone you relate to well helps alot. I'm glad you're here:-)

Clion

#5 jimbow15

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Posted 07 September 2009 - 01:21 PM

Hi _Spiral_,

It sounds like you are suffering from depression and as a consequence you are finding life less appealing than it used to be. I guess you are also numb emotionally and have no motivation and yes I have been there as well as lots of others.

Sorry you are feeling so bad, but the god news it that you can free yourself from this temporary state. Do please go and see your Doctor and get his professional advice and treatment as soon as you can. He will most likely put you on some medication and refer you to see a therapist.

Keep on hanging in there and go and see your Doctor.

Best Wishes for a speedy recovery.

Jim Bow
"The most beautiful thing we can experience is the mysterious. It is the source of all true art and all science. He to whom this emotion is a stranger, who can no longer pause to wonder and stand rapt in awe, is as good as dead: his eyes are closed." Albert E.


Information supplied on Depression Forums by members should not be relied upon and is not a substitute for medical advice from a health professional or doctor.

#6 Guest__Spiral__*

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Posted 08 September 2009 - 11:35 AM

I really wish I could just die even though it would be such a waste at this point. I probably won't hurt as many people as other cause outside my family, no one else even know I exist. My social and love life isn't just non-existence, simply put it doesn't exist. I almost got kick out of college but got back in due to a letter of appeal that got accepted. My parents are unsupported of my health, they don't really care how I feel. The best time of my life is when I'm dreaming, only to be awaken by reality. I wake up and go outside and the house is completely empty just like my life. Technically by now I am already dead but not physically. I guess I was dead a long time ago, but not to the point that I can't wake up.


hello spiral,

i'm sorry that you are in such a dark place right now. there is hope for you. have you seen a pdoc or therapist? if so you may need some med changes and need to see you doctor. if you are feeling so low that would rather die then you may want to call a help line to talk with someone, maybe even go to the er if you continue to feel this way. sometimes like our parents don't seem to understand depression or was brought up them selves to keep things silent. do you have any other family or friends that you could talk with or even a school counselor? sometimes it is the dreams that we have that keeps us going for someday we can and will see some of the beauty of those dreams. keep posting here for we can be a great support system for you.


I have seen countless therapist and taking various med. Thanks


Hey Spiral, I'm sorry you're feeling this way. What kind of dreams do you have? Congrats on getting back into college! Maybe you could meet one or two interesting people in your classes, just for someone to talk to? :-) And of course you're always welcome to talk here, too.


All my dreams involve girls in some sort of way. Most of it has to do with girls in my past that I was too shy to approach that may have like me. Thanks, but there is going to be a lot of pressure on me to do well now. I'm really have a dull personality, I couldn't make friends even if I wanted to.

Hi Spiral,

You did a courageous thing to reach out to this forum and tell people your situation. That's a big first step. You will find that you are not alone in your suffering (that helped me feel alittle better). I hope you can go to your school health dept. and talk with a counselor or find a therapist in the phone book. Often you can go talk with them for 20 min. the first time to see if you like them (basically interviewing them). Having someone you relate to well helps alot. I'm glad you're here:-)

Clion


I have done that many time but it pretty useless, thanks for the advice though.

Hi _Spiral_,

It sounds like you are suffering from depression and as a consequence you are finding life less appealing than it used to be. I guess you are also numb emotionally and have no motivation and yes I have been there as well as lots of others.

Sorry you are feeling so bad, but the god news it that you can free yourself from this temporary state. Do please go and see your Doctor and get his professional advice and treatment as soon as you can. He will most likely put you on some medication and refer you to see a therapist.

Keep on hanging in there and go and see your Doctor.

Best Wishes for a speedy recovery.

Jim Bow


You are right, but you must know life was never any less appealing to start. I grew up with abusive parents, a sister who is so abusive she even beat up her boyfriend. I was always constantly bully, tease by girls, the school scapegoat, etc... I would actually say now it better than my childhood. I'm actually not numb, but am desperate to be with someone, and hoping I can find the courage to get a girlfriend this year in college.

Thanks Jim, I been to more therapist and taking more SSRI drugs than a lot of people, but I'm not one who need meds, drugs, and alcohol. I been living life for a long time now, a bit a painful one.

#7 SecretMist

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Posted 08 September 2009 - 12:10 PM

hi spiral,
i'm sorry that you have had such an abusive childhood. that can have a big impact through out our lives. are you currently still taking any meds at all? if so maybe a dosage change may be in order. life can be very painful at times especially with people who deal with any sort of depression. i'm hoping in this yr of college that you will meet up with some new friends and maybe even a girl friend, you never know from one day to the next what may be just around the corner waiting for you to find some kind of happiness. keep posting hun, we are here for you.

*********************************
If we can't stand alone to help ourselves,
with support we shall stand together
to make the changes and a difference within our lives
and the lives of all for the better.
******************************************



#8 Guest__Spiral__*

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Posted 08 September 2009 - 10:07 PM

I just got into a fight with my parents and I feel so down. They are still yelling outside, basically what happening is that my dad is yelling at my mom for buying me stuff right in front of my face. My dad keep saying I'm an ungrateful son and all of this crap. It no wonder I go to college for two year and not once do I miss them. I wonder if I'm a bad son or are they just awful parents? They really don't care how I feel at all, it just doesn't apply to them, and it make me so mad. Maybe I am a bad son because I don't do anything but play games all day and sit in my room crying why I am such a loser, maybe my parents have the right to say their ashamed of me. I don't know what else to do, I'm so depress, and they think I like being this way? I rather have friends than play video games. I'm so bore of playing games, I want real meaningful friends and a caring family. I want a normal sister who isn't so scary that she can abuse her boyfriend and other guys, but maybe I am asking for just too much.

:hearts:

#9 mickmike

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Posted 09 September 2009 - 06:05 AM

I just got into a fight with my parents and I feel so down. They are still yelling outside, basically what happening is that my dad is yelling at my mom for buying me stuff right in front of my face. My dad keep saying I'm an ungrateful son and all of this crap. It no wonder I go to college for two year and not once do I miss them. I wonder if I'm a bad son or are they just awful parents? They really don't care how I feel at all, it just doesn't apply to them, and it make me so mad. Maybe I am a bad son because I don't do anything but play games all day and sit in my room crying why I am such a loser, maybe my parents have the right to say their ashamed of me. I don't know what else to do, I'm so depress, and they think I like being this way? I rather have friends than play video games. I'm so bore of playing games, I want real meaningful friends and a caring family. I want a normal sister who isn't so scary that she can abuse her boyfriend and other guys, but maybe I am asking for just too much.

:hearts:



Hey Spiral,

Really sorry to hear that life is not so great for you right now and very sorry to hear that you are feeling that you want to die. I once and still do feel the way you do. In fact i have attempted suicide and luckily i didnt get it right and the method i chose was ineffective and nothing happend. Afterwards, whilst it wasn't like i was walking through a sunlit meadow, i was glad that my suicide attempt didn't work. This showed me that the suicidal thoughts and feelings really are something that are temporary, it may not feel like it but trust me they are. I still feel like there is no way out sometimes but i remember that those feelings will pass eventually.

You mentioned that you have tried medication and it didnt work, have you tried anything else like excercise or meditation ?

I find excercise to be an awesome way to feel better. You don't have to do anything huge like joining a gym or sports team either. Going for regular walks might be a good idea. If motivation is hard start off at something small like a 15 minute walk twice a day for a week. Offer yourself a reward that you will give yourself if you achieve your goal. Be proud of yourself for accomplishing your task, and if you cant be proud of yourself, accept the fact that you did something to help yourself and let the pride come slowly. Up the walk by 15 minutes each week and before long you will probably find yourself feeling a bit better. I have also heard that meditation can help as well, maybe you shoudl give it a shot.

In regards to your family, i too come from a pretty abusive family. My father was very abusive both physically and emotionally to my mother, my brother and myself. As a result of this and various other things my dad did, my mother was emotionally neglectful and unsupportive and my brother who is quite a few years older, got out of the house as fast as he could and ignored me most of my life. For long a long time i felt like you did, that my family hated me, that i wasnt wanted etc. It took me about 10 years to realise that if they did have issues with me it was their problem and to accept that they were not the family i wanted but were the family i had.
I was lucky to find myself a group of friends at school and later friends at and outside of work who took the place of my family. If you don't have any friends maybe you could join a group ? If you are at college, there maybe a depression support group on campus where you can get together with people people who understand whats going on for you. Try talking to people in your classes, take it slow and see what happens. It will probably be very hard at first (it's still hard for me ) but give it a shot. Whatever your family tells you mate, you are not a bad son and you are not a loser. You have had to put up with a lot of crap and you have survived. You should be proud of yourself for making it through and continuing to do so.

In regards to counselling/therapy and it not working, the therapist can only do so much you might need to have a look at yourself and see if you might have resisted the process. It's all just really hard work and it may take years for therapy to work. There will be heaps of ups and downs and sometimes it will feel like you are not making any progress, but if you get back into therapy try sticking with it. i have been in therapy for 3 years and it's been continual peaks and troughs but it's helping me and i need to stick with it

In regards to the ladies :o) work on yourself first. Get yourself to a spot where the depression is at least manageable and not so powerful as it is now. work on getting a good support network of friends first maybe there will be a lucky lady in the network of friends :o)


You have already taken steps to help yourself (medication and counselling) this also shows to me that you care about yourself, so keep that in mind and try and keep at it.

I hope this post doesn't come across as preachy or condescending, it's not my intention. Like other posters have said we are all here for you and looking foward to seeing more posts from you in the future :o)

#10 Guest__Spiral__*

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Posted 09 September 2009 - 02:21 PM

I really believe that being abuse as a child and having everything restricted has a huge impact on my life if it not already the main cause. Iím not taking any med, it doesnít really help, and I donít feel anything but more emotionally numb when I do. Thanks I really hope so too, but previous experience tell me it will all be the same.

Hi mickmike

Iím not suicidal right now, just extremely depress and sad. Suicidal feeling for me is never temporary, it been going on for at least 10 years now, constantly switching from on to off.
I try exercising but I can never stick to a set plan. I donít like taking regular walks because if I see couple, I feel awful. I have done so before and I come back feeling much worst than I started. I know I only have one family, but isnít it so odd I didnít come back for two years and the whole time I didnít even think of them even when I was so depress? They miss me but I didnít miss them, I keep telling myself I will be more than happy if I didnít have to see them again, and my life was improving until I got back home. I was trying to fine my niche and coming out of my shell. You must know being in college without any friendsí make you feel like death may be a good thing. You get extremely lonely on long weekend nights, and you cry but no one can hear you or even care enough to respond back.

I been in depression group and the only problems those people have are either with their boyfriends or girlfriends. How does that suppose to help me, I end up feeling even worst. I mean if your depress because of your partner, and then just donít ever date and you will be happy. I feel so SICK in those depression groups, I literally wanted to puke, because it was so bad.

I know I can look the glass both ways, I can either be proud or feel like a complete loser, but it really doesnít help me. Iím still an empty person without anything to make me want to wake out of bed to the next day and enjoy myself. Outside of my house, you couldnít tell if Iím depress or not, but Iím not very friendly because without being able to smile, I really just ignore people. I really donít know how to make friends, or if anyone want to be my friends.

I just want to thank you, in no way does your post sound preachy or condescending, it is really helpful. All of the reply on here give me a bit of hope.

#11 mickmike

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Posted 09 September 2009 - 09:46 PM

I really believe that being abuse as a child and having everything restricted has a huge impact on my life if it not already the main cause. Iím not taking any med, it doesnít really help, and I donít feel anything but more emotionally numb when I do. Thanks I really hope so too, but previous experience tell me it will all be the same.

Hi mickmike

Iím not suicidal right now, just extremely depress and sad. Suicidal feeling for me is never temporary, it been going on for at least 10 years now, constantly switching from on to off.
I try exercising but I can never stick to a set plan. I donít like taking regular walks because if I see couple, I feel awful. I have done so before and I come back feeling much worst than I started. I know I only have one family, but isnít it so odd I didnít come back for two years and the whole time I didnít even think of them even when I was so depress? They miss me but I didnít miss them, I keep telling myself I will be more than happy if I didnít have to see them again, and my life was improving until I got back home. I was trying to fine my niche and coming out of my shell. You must know being in college without any friendsí make you feel like death may be a good thing. You get extremely lonely on long weekend nights, and you cry but no one can hear you or even care enough to respond back.

I been in depression group and the only problems those people have are either with their boyfriends or girlfriends. How does that suppose to help me, I end up feeling even worst. I mean if your depress because of your partner, and then just donít ever date and you will be happy. I feel so SICK in those depression groups, I literally wanted to puke, because it was so bad.

I know I can look the glass both ways, I can either be proud or feel like a complete loser, but it really doesnít help me. Iím still an empty person without anything to make me want to wake out of bed to the next day and enjoy myself. Outside of my house, you couldnít tell if Iím depress or not, but Iím not very friendly because without being able to smile, I really just ignore people. I really donít know how to make friends, or if anyone want to be my friends.

I just want to thank you, in no way does your post sound preachy or condescending, it is really helpful. All of the reply on here give me a bit of hope.


Hiya Spiral,


Firstly it's awesome to hear that you are not suicidal but it's not cool to hear that you feeling extremely sad and overwhelmed at the moment :o(

Some of the language you used in the first paragraph was interesting. You mention that you have felt suicidal on and off for about ten years to me that would seem that it isnt a constant state of being. Yes it occurs but you don't always feel like that. I guess what i'm trying to get at is that you have evidence that suggests suicidal thoughts can be temporary, therefore you should keep in mind that feeling extremely sad (whilst being a terrible place to be in) is a step up from where you have been previously.

I really really really recommend that you find yourself a good therapist or support group. I think you have some beliefs and feelings that need an outside perspective for you to sort out. A counsellor/therapist will hopefully challenge you and make you question those feelings and beliefs that you have and at least provide you with a space and person you can have to yourself for a certain amount of time. It might be incredibly hard for you but it will ultimatly be very rewarding.


I guess the truth is that as people suffering from depression we are ultimatly the only ones who can help us. Whilst we can get help, it is ourselves that have to accept that help and use it to build ourselves up. Clearly you hate feeling this way and based on what you have said you have already made attempts to help yourself and have felt better. This means you CAN do it again. Helping yourself will probably be the hardest thing you do in your life, but you owe it to your self. You always have a choice no matter what as to how you are going to live your life.


Glad i can be of some help matey !

#12 Guest__Spiral__*

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Posted 10 September 2009 - 12:21 PM

There are things that I just can't forget no matter how much I try. These memories are call flashbulb memories, which are memories that instantly strike your brain because it is an important event or something unique. I can remember most of my flashbulb memories exactly on the same day I was there, like it was just yesterday that it happen. Unfortunately none of my flashbulb memories are things I want to remember, I wish I could forget it all happen.

One of these memories have been haunting me for the last week. A memories that has set the toll for the past two years in college. This memories occur at the Freshman first dance. People were doing different kinds of narcotics and were pretty much all drunk and dancing at the center of campus. I was there, I was alone, I was weak, I was scare, there were so many beautiful girl, but I couldn't dance (sorry for the run on sentence, I just want to picture exactly what happen). OMG how dumb I must be now to realize they were too drunk to know who they were dancing with. This was also the first party that most people make friends but since I have never been to a party in my life I had no clue how to dance or what to expect. From that moment on, everyday of my college life is like that party. It not only show that I can't dance but I was no way even on the same level as everyone else, it was like it wasn't even real, I wasn't even in the least bit normal. I still don't think I am even normal, and I wish I could redo this dance again even as a Junior, but it only for freshman because they get to come a week earlier to school. I could remember vividly standing next to two pretty girls and I couldn't even at least talk to them, I felt trap and I couldn't escape because I was in the middle on the wall of the bookstore and the whole place were so crowded. I wanted to do something so bad, but I couldn't and I felt sick to my stomach, I just wanted to be normal for once. Do whatever normal people does, I left with the same feeling I started, 4 days into school and everyone had group of new friends while I was alone. From that moment on, I ate in the dinning hall alone for the past 2 years. I severely wish I could forget this memories but I can't. Yesterday I woke up in the middle of the night and cry, because it was so painful. It was 4 am and I was sitting in my bed staring out into the moon and crying, and I couldn't stop. I don't know what more painful then being so far from society, and feeling so much regret, having so much worry, and feeling awkward daily.

Add matter worst, my sister blatantly woke me up in the middle of the night and yell at me because I got another toothbrush because my old one fail in the toilet. She could have least wrote a letter or tell me when I wake up but no she purposely woke me up so she can rant. I swear, if my sister were dead or alive I wouldn't care. She has been abusing me as a child for as long as I can remember. My mom usually by accident call the phone number that charge an extra dollar and when my sister found out she would yell and harass my mom, until my dad finally break them up and hit her. It only a $1 for gosh sake. I just froze in bed crying and so pi** off, I will now solemnly not speak to my sister unless I am in an emergency. My last vow of silence lasted for more than half a year, but eventually my parents yell at me. My sister has no conscience, had I done the same, she would come out and yell and hit me and scream so that I would get into trouble, but for her awaking my sleep doesn't matter for something as stupid as an extra toothbrush. I don't know if god hate me or what, but I end up having the most abusive sister alive. She is also evil, sneaky, is very jealous and has lot of anger issue, and is not your typical sister. I mean she abusive her boyfriend so badly one time while I was in the car taking me home from college after he made some really really funny joke that had nothing to do with her and she gave me a black eye. She done so much worst thing than you could ever imagine.

I don't know how someone as evil as her can have more friends than me but I guess that just how life is.

This is pretty personal information but at this point I don't care. My sister is evil, has a black heart, and is someone I pray will never have kids, because I will feel extremely sorry for her kids. When I got into airsofting a year back, my sister wouldn't even take me to Walmart to buy an gun and I was 19. My parents know I'm the most responsible kids they could ever hope for and I would never shoot someone for fun but my sister said no. I was with some other people my age in the car and feel so humiliated. She said "no one play with gun, that just wrong, I'm afraid your going to shoot someone eye out, and it dangerous, it also wrong, and only bad people do it". This is airsoft not real gun, and I'm more than old enough to own a real gun if I wanted to. Airsoft shoot 6mm plastic bb's and because it look like a real M4 doesn't mean it a real M4. I seen little kids and 12 year old girls get into airsofting encourage by their parents. I just hope you can imagine how restrictive my life is like, and I hope you realize how crazy and evil my sister is. She not only ignorance, but she simply ruin my life. Just imagine how she will treat her kids, I just can't imagine. You can clearly see why I don't CARE whether my sister live or die, I know it may be harsh but all my life she has put me down, abuse me, and so forth.

I just hope that one day I can leave this family, and live my life the way it was meant to live. I want to start a family with a beautiful wife and have my own kids for once, and I can treat them the way I wanted my parents and sister to treat me. I will make their life so much more livable than mine, and I want to be the best father anyone can ask for.

It amazing how I still don't drink to relieve my pain.

Edited by ChrystalR, 10 September 2009 - 11:47 PM.
ToS


#13 SecretMist

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Posted 10 September 2009 - 01:22 PM

hi spiral,
i'm glad that you are still not drinking and that is great. do you think that maybe your sister even though she was mean and abusive to you, that she may have been looking out for your own safety as to where the air soft guns do look real and someone may see it as real and make a mistake and hurt you. i think you would make a wonderful father and husband so that you don't want them to have to go through what you went through and in time i hope that you are able to find that in your life. keep posting.

*********************************
If we can't stand alone to help ourselves,
with support we shall stand together
to make the changes and a difference within our lives
and the lives of all for the better.
******************************************



#14 Guest__Spiral__*

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Posted 10 September 2009 - 09:40 PM

hi spiral,
i'm glad that you are still not drinking and that is great. do you think that maybe your sister even though she was mean and abusive to you, that she may have been looking out for your own safety as to where the air soft guns do look real and someone may see it as real and make a mistake and hurt you. i think you would make a wonderful father and husband so that you don't want them to have to go through what you went through and in time i hope that you are able to find that in your life. keep posting.


No I am 100% sure she does not look out for my safely. When I was little, she stole $300 dollar as a gift to me from my far aunt who visit us just once. We each got $300 each but she persuade me to use that money for something I forgot, and in return the $300 would be split that never happen. My mom doesn't believe me because I was too young, but I remember it like the day it happen. I mean if that the case, then why is she against me playing video game or when my mom give me money and doesn't give her any. She never has any good intention, if I ask her to help me with something or do me a favor she never does but when she ask me I do the same. I only do her a favor because she use her tactic that makes me feel so guilty if I don't help her, but when it come to helping her, I still do. She has no conscience or fairness. I don't I need to go further, but I know my sister just want to hurt me. You know it because she awaken me up so that I can suffer just so she can get her point instead. Please trust me on this one, I know her for 20 years.

I would make a wonderful father I know for sure. I really need something special to make me want to wake out of bed for once. It been years since anything good has happen to me. I don't even know if I ever will get a girlfriend, my worst fear is living alone forever without even going on a date for once. No matter if I get a good career or not, without someone to hug and kiss you when you come home, and without someone to sleep with, life is extremely pointless. That is why not all rich people are happy while some poor people are more happier. Without someone special life is meaningless. I know it because I grew up in a poor family and we are still poor to this day so I never take things for granted, and as such I know that someone special is better than any amount of money or any items that can be purchase.

#15 ChrystalR

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Posted 10 September 2009 - 10:28 PM

At least you have a wonderful attitude, Spiral, and I fully agree with you! Rich people can be unhappy, and poor people can be happy. Some things value can`t be measured, and we all want someone like that. Someone to care about and that will care about us in return. Gives an extra incentive to want to do something more with the days. But you`re going to find it difficult to find someone like that, if you don`t care about taking care of yourself for your own sake. Someone special makes life meaningful, but something meaningful also makes someone special. :hearts:

Yes, it does seem like you have a bad relationship with your sister. Don`t call her evil, though, because she`s only human as well, you know. Family troubles might be the worst type of trouble there is. What`s the age-difference between the two of you?

You said therapy hasn`t helped you at all? What types have you tried? Different therapists? Remember that different people might get more out of different kinds of therapy, and that one therapist might be right for some patients, but not so right for others. You must simply have been unlucky.

You really ought to give therapy a second chance, and try looking into alternative forms of treatment. Getting better doesn`t come freely, it takes a genuine wish and a will, and some effort. You must take the steps, because no one else can do it for you. It`s very important that you get professional help, because then everything else can become so much easier; getting friends, finding a girlfriend, handling the situation with your family... When we work on ourselves, it gets easier to work with everything else :flowers:

ChrystalR
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For being both to me, both to each friend.
I guess one angel in another's hell:
The truth I shall not know, but live in doubt,
Till my bad angel fire my good one out.

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#16 Guest__Spiral__*

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Posted 11 September 2009 - 11:52 AM

At least you have a wonderful attitude, Spiral, and I fully agree with you! Rich people can be unhappy, and poor people can be happy. Some things value can`t be measured, and we all want someone like that. Someone to care about and that will care about us in return. Gives an extra incentive to want to do something more with the days. But you`re going to find it difficult to find someone like that, if you don`t care about taking care of yourself for your own sake. Someone special makes life meaningful, but something meaningful also makes someone special. :hearts:

Yes, it does seem like you have a bad relationship with your sister. Don`t call her evil, though, because she`s only human as well, you know. Family troubles might be the worst type of trouble there is. What`s the age-difference between the two of you?

You said therapy hasn`t helped you at all? What types have you tried? Different therapists? Remember that different people might get more out of different kinds of therapy, and that one therapist might be right for some patients, but not so right for others. You must simply have been unlucky.

You really ought to give therapy a second chance, and try looking into alternative forms of treatment. Getting better doesn`t come freely, it takes a genuine wish and a will, and some effort. You must take the steps, because no one else can do it for you. It`s very important that you get professional help, because then everything else can become so much easier; getting friends, finding a girlfriend, handling the situation with your family... When we work on ourselves, it gets easier to work with everything else :flowers:

ChrystalR


I truly understand what your saying. My sister is about 6 years older than me, and I'll just call her a Jerk. I try several different therapy but my town is very small, and back home my parents wouldn't pay for my therapies. My sister said that if I have any problem she would pay for my therapies, when the time arrive, she refuse to pay for my therapies, said that my own problems, and I should just deal with it. My parents as well find it a waste of money and aren't going to use that money so that I can feel better about myself. Just yesterday I test my dad to see if they knew how important a social life is important to me when I come back to college and he like you better worry about your grades, I ask him "is that all", and he said "YES"! I ask him what about my social life, and he said "that is not important"!

I don't see the point of therapy anymore in my case, I already given it a chance, and spent hundred of dollars already that I probably could have use for other things. I don't need therapy to deal with my problems, therapy isn't going to teach me how to become more social, it isn't going to teach me how to be have a better connection with girls, it isn't going to teach me how to be more friendly and make friends easier, it isn't going to teach me any of the things I want to know. It will teach me about cognitive therapy which I don't think it ever work for me. I'm not one that fall for logic, I want evidence, I want a therapist that could show me how to get a girlfriend and make friends not just tell me how I feel, which I already know how I feel. I hope you get what I'm saying. There are really only three therapist in my town, and I went to see them all. I don't have a car to drive very far, and maybe after an 40 minute drive, I pretty much cover the total distance of my town.

I woke up this morning, and once again I am getting yell at. I don't know what I do to make my parents yell at me, but my mom said I'm an ungrateful son, I spent all summer not studying but playing? Honestly, what does she mean by playing? I just sit in my room and in the living room all day with at least once a day go on a "depression" forum and sleep. I sit on my bed for hours just staring outside, and the leftover time I listen to music which seem to bother them. However they neglect to fail to see that I took three summer class for 2 months, I have only one month free of summer and they are still complaining. Those classes were extremely hard and I got straight A's, but to them not getting A's is a disappointment but getting all A's is standard so no congrats. It seem to them if their son can't get an A, that son is an ungrateful disobedient child. If their child get an A's, then it just back to ordinary life, nothing happen, your safe for the time. You could only imagine their face when I fail pretty much all of my college classes, I only passed 40% of the time. I know I almost got kick out of college but that because I was depress which they aren't do anything to help me, I don't have the money anymore for therapies, but they aren't willing to chip it. They just don't think that aspect of my life is important even thought it the cause of my poor grades, then why on earth are they blaming me. Why would I even want to live this life, where I'm suicidal on and off or extremely depress. Do they not think I wish I had friends and go outside, have a girlfriends and have someone to go to the coffee shop, movies, parties, beach, the lake, and so forth with?

Needless to say one aspect of my life is improving is my grade. When I'm not depress, my grades usually soar through the roof. Despite feeling suicidal/depress I will look deep inside of me and still get extremely good grades because a future being poor is not a future I want. Everyday day that pass is another day closer to another year of college. I'm a bit excited, but mostly nervous and scare and I don't know what to expect of my roommates nor do I know how on earth I will meet a girl.

I been thinking actually been thinking a lot. I been thinking that these so call "special event" in my life goes by and I never taken advantage of them. It seem their is two way to look at it. I can say where there are like 95% of people on earth who never got this chance so I can forget about it. BUT I was there, that is just a lame excuse. I mean if every good chance or opportunity I get and screw up and keep making excuses for myself that most people aren't where I am at, then I will never succeed. The truth is I should regret it, I was there, I had those opportunities, and I screw it up. I shouldn't feel better because not everyone live around my town I should learn from my mistake and never let it happen again. Sorry this might sound odd, I usually screw up on a lot of things, and always end up regretting it.

#17 Guest__Spiral__*

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Posted 13 September 2009 - 12:38 AM

I guess I'm going to update on how I feel whether anyone reply or not, but my thanks goes to everyone who has reply so far.

I'm not feeling well, I am in search of something to do. I'm trying to avoid various forums for the fact that so many people are talking about sex (if I'm allow to say that), and it make me feel even less alive. Though I did talk to someone over aim that is in a much worst shape than mine, and I can only hope that will not be my future in 13 years.

I am trying to find something to do or visit a cool website but I can't think of any.

I just really hate this feeling, where your stuck and can't find anything to enjoy. I want it to disappear forever, I'm so sick of it, when will it stop? I don't think I will sleep well tonight, this empty feeling inside of me is constantly growing. Why did god put me on this earth to suffer like this? Have I had not done enough good deeds before his eye?

I guess I am just rambling on but I don't know of any other place where I can express my personal feeling, most indefinitely it not going to be with my family.

I guess that is all I have left to say, another day wasted.

#18 SecretMist

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Posted 13 September 2009 - 03:18 PM

I guess I'm going to update on how I feel whether anyone reply or not, but my thanks goes to everyone who has reply so far.

I'm not feeling well, I am in search of something to do. I'm trying to avoid various forums for the fact that so many people are talking about sex (if I'm allow to say that), and it make me feel even less alive. Though I did talk to someone over aim that is in a much worst shape than mine, and I can only hope that will not be my future in 13 years.

I am trying to find something to do or visit a cool website but I can't think of any.

I just really hate this feeling, where your stuck and can't find anything to enjoy. I want it to disappear forever, I'm so sick of it, when will it stop? I don't think I will sleep well tonight, this empty feeling inside of me is constantly growing. Why did god put me on this earth to suffer like this? Have I had not done enough good deeds before his eye?

I guess I am just rambling on but I don't know of any other place where I can express my personal feeling, most indefinitely it not going to be with my family.

I guess that is all I have left to say, another day wasted.


hi spiral, your not rambling at all. you are stating how you feel. yes there are people out there that are in worse shape then we are but that doesn't mean that what you are feeling is not is any less of the pain and suffering that you are going through. what you are feeling is just as important as others who suffer from their struggles in life. i do agree that if going into other forums here at df are making you feel worse then yes try not to visit those forums, you need to take care of you right now and to feel comfortable in the forums that you visit. a lot of us who suffer from depression and other disorders continue to ask why has god put us here on this earth just to suffer the pains and struggles that we go through no matter the good deeds that we do before his eyes. things will get better and there is life out there waiting for us to grab hold of and enjoy the life we have been given. i feel that we all have our purpose on this earth and sometimes we don't see it but in time we will see it and in time there will be that light that is meant for just for you. we are still hear for you with all the support we can give and share. keep posting, we are here and we do listen and understand.

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If we can't stand alone to help ourselves,
with support we shall stand together
to make the changes and a difference within our lives
and the lives of all for the better.
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#19 scrobin

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Posted 13 September 2009 - 08:21 PM

Hi Spiral,

I'm so sorry you're having a hard time right now. If it makes you feel any better, I was diagnosed with Biopolar II at nineteen. I was in college at the time, and it prevented me from doing well in school. My parents gave me a hard time at first too. While my mom, came around, it took my dad three years to admit that I had a mental illness. For three years, according to my dad, I was just using my illness as an excuse not to do my work. Eventually he came around. Also I got teased and bullied in school, when I was growing up as well. Now Iím back in school and getting Aís.

I know itís hard for you right now, but Iím going to tell you the things I learned from my experience.

1.) High education institutions are extremely bigoted to people with mental illnesses.
2.) Society is bigoted to people with mental illnesses.
3.) Families have a hard time dealing and accepting mental illnesses.
4.) Recovering from a mental illness doesnít take over night.

You can have a normal life and have your dreams, but itís going to take some time to get better. The trick is to work around it. First, you have to drown out all the bigoted crap you hear about mental illnesses. Mental illnesses are diseases like any other, like asthma or diabetes. Itís nothing to be ashamed of.

Also, it sound like your family is not helpful to you at all. I think you need to distance yourself from them completely. Find some other place to live. Call social work services for mental health and they can hook you up with resources. You can go welfare and social security for the time being. Also, try to deal with your child abuse issues intensely in therapy, and try to find better people in your life. Then once you get better, you can try going back to school. Rehabilitation services will pay for you to go to school if you have a medical condition of any kind. Try to find a college that is psychiatric disability friendly.



I just got into a fight with my parents and I feel so down. They are still yelling outside, basically what happening is that my dad is yelling at my mom for buying me stuff right in front of my face. My dad keep saying I'm an ungrateful son and all of this crap. It no wonder I go to college for two year and not once do I miss them. I wonder if I'm a bad son or are they just awful parents? They really don't care how I feel at all, it just doesn't apply to them, and it make me so mad. Maybe I am a bad son because I don't do anything but play games all day and sit in my room crying why I am such a loser, maybe my parents have the right to say their ashamed of me. I don't know what else to do, I'm so depress, and they think I like being this way? I rather have friends than play video games. I'm so bore of playing games, I want real meaningful friends and a caring family. I want a normal sister who isn't so scary that she can abuse her boyfriend and other guys, but maybe I am asking for just too much.

:hearts:


You are not a loser, and you're parents don't have the right to be ashamed of you. You have the right to be treated with the same respect someone with cancer or any other physical illness would have. The most important thing is to try to figure out what to do, to help you right now.

If you want to talk anymore, feel free to PM at anytime. I've been where you are, and believe me it can and will get better.

#20 Guest__Spiral__*

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Posted 14 September 2009 - 11:53 AM

Hi SecretMist

I feel that everyone has a purpose in life as well but if that is truly the case, why do I always hear on the new of young kids dying? It seems like such a waste of life to be born and then just die?

Thank you Mist for continues to read my update and replying back.

Hi Scrobin

It doesnít really make me feel better to hear that another person is suffering, but I appreciate your concern. Iím very glad you reply to my topic and update, and that you are older and much wiser than me. I donít think my parents will ever admit that depression is an illness; it simply is a joke to them. I mean they blame me that it my fault for feeling depress. My dad even tells me that it not like Iím going to die anytime soon so that I can simply ďstopĒ being depress? Is that even possible? If depression is not an illness, I donít know what classify as an illness if it for the most part long-term. I really wish I could somehow exaggerated it to 20 years but that unlikely since I donít remember be this miserable at age one, so maybe a timeline of 13 years, and even so that is a long time feeling this way. I mean just imagine having a physical illness for that long, that is simply too long for anyone to ignore. Well unless you can get my parents on Dr. Phil show, they probably wonít ever care about it or my well being, as long as I get them those Aís!

From someone wiser than myself, I donít quite know what bigoted mean, I have never seen or heard of such word?

I really like your advice but unfortunately it would be suicidal if I were to do so. As far as living with my family is concern, I only live with them on Christmas and the summer, the rest of the year I stay far away from them. Iím not a very smart person, finding another place to live would be my statement to my family that I am an ungrateful son, and that I want no part of due with them. Either way, I would end up homeless. Calling social service with what kind of mental health? Iím depress, it not like normal people donít get depress even though mine is long term. I really donít know much about life to even begin to do everything you say, Social Security and Welfare? Iím not even smart enough to know how to begin to rent a house, apartment, condo, etcÖ

Child abuse issues is just part of life, my parents were abuse as a kid by their parents so to blame an entire fault of them would be wrong and unfair. Everything your telling me would be to complicate with extreme risk for anyone in my age group. I canít even bother to wake out of bed sometime much less call social work services to really help me. Not going to school this year would ruin me for life, because I should be bless to have another chance, and I would not want to go to any other college.

I donít know a lot of things, and if rehabilitation services can pay for school that would be absolutely amazing nevertheless this is too confusing and too much for me to handle. Iím not a social person, Iím not even middle class, money is always an issue, and I will end up homeless if I leave my family at least now. They no longer abuse me that ended since I was 16. My parents say that for my own good, but good that did. My mom would probably **** herself if I were to do so. Even though I donít miss or like my family in the least bit, they at least donít feel the same way. But I only have one family, and no one with a working brain would ever take me into their family, so Iím stuck where I am.

My only solution is making something of myself this year in college. I have another chance at life, another chance at having a good career, and another round of chasing girls, and I aim to give myself a chance. I donít know how, and I donít know when, but I must try. I am clueless, I have no clue how to approach a girl, but Iím never going to ever feel happy without ever trying. I fear rejection more than anything, and I just have to face my fear.

I think I will stick with that plan, who know maybe things will eventually change like you said. Now if all fail, I might consider other possibility but your suggestion is too extreme for me, and quite frankly I could lose everything and just commit suicide.

Thank You for your reply it mean a lot to me.

#21 scrobin

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Posted 14 September 2009 - 01:39 PM

Hi SecretMist

I feel that everyone has a purpose in life as well but if that is truly the case, why do I always hear on the new of young kids dying? It seems like such a waste of life to be born and then just die?

Thank you Mist for continues to read my update and replying back.

Hi Scrobin

It doesnít really make me feel better to hear that another person is suffering, but I appreciate your concern. Iím very glad you reply to my topic and update, and that you are older and much wiser than me. I donít think my parents will ever admit that depression is an illness; it simply is a joke to them. I mean they blame me that it my fault for feeling depress. My dad even tells me that it not like Iím going to die anytime soon so that I can simply ďstopĒ being depress? Is that even possible? If depression is not an illness, I donít know what classify as an illness if it for the most part long-term. I really wish I could somehow exaggerated it to 20 years but that unlikely since I donít remember be this miserable at age one, so maybe a timeline of 13 years, and even so that is a long time feeling this way. I mean just imagine having a physical illness for that long, that is simply too long for anyone to ignore. Well unless you can get my parents on Dr. Phil show, they probably wonít ever care about it or my well being, as long as I get them those Aís!

From someone wiser than myself, I donít quite know what bigoted mean, I have never seen or heard of such word?

I really like your advice but unfortunately it would be suicidal if I were to do so. As far as living with my family is concern, I only live with them on Christmas and the summer, the rest of the year I stay far away from them. Iím not a very smart person, finding another place to live would be my statement to my family that I am an ungrateful son, and that I want no part of due with them. Either way, I would end up homeless. Calling social service with what kind of mental health? Iím depress, it not like normal people donít get depress even though mine is long term. I really donít know much about life to even begin to do everything you say, Social Security and Welfare? Iím not even smart enough to know how to begin to rent a house, apartment, condo, etcÖ

Child abuse issues is just part of life, my parents were abuse as a kid by their parents so to blame an entire fault of them would be wrong and unfair. Everything your telling me would be to complicate with extreme risk for anyone in my age group. I canít even bother to wake out of bed sometime much less call social work services to really help me. Not going to school this year would ruin me for life, because I should be bless to have another chance, and I would not want to go to any other college.

I donít know a lot of things, and if rehabilitation services can pay for school that would be absolutely amazing nevertheless this is too confusing and too much for me to handle. Iím not a social person, Iím not even middle class, money is always an issue, and I will end up homeless if I leave my family at least now. They no longer abuse me that ended since I was 16. My parents say that for my own good, but good that did. My mom would probably **** herself if I were to do so. Even though I donít miss or like my family in the least bit, they at least donít feel the same way. But I only have one family, and no one with a working brain would ever take me into their family, so Iím stuck where I am.

My only solution is making something of myself this year in college. I have another chance at life, another chance at having a good career, and another round of chasing girls, and I aim to give myself a chance. I donít know how, and I donít know when, but I must try. I am clueless, I have no clue how to approach a girl, but Iím never going to ever feel happy without ever trying. I fear rejection more than anything, and I just have to face my fear.

I think I will stick with that plan, who know maybe things will eventually change like you said. Now if all fail, I might consider other possibility but your suggestion is too extreme for me, and quite frankly I could lose everything and just commit suicide.

Thank You for your reply it mean a lot to me.


Bigoted means prejudice like someone who is racist to sexist, or homophobic. Unfortunately, a lot of people are prejudice against people with mental illnesses. It sound like your father is one of them. No one chooses to be depressed. This is a horrible illness for anyone to get. And a lot of people are prejudice against mental illnesses. They think that people with mental illnesses are lazy, weak, insane, crazy, stupid etc. But guess what? People are wrong. I cannot stress this enough, don't listen to people who are prejudice about mental illness. Mental illnesses are illnesses just like any other, like asthma or diabetes. It simply means you have a chemical imbalance in your brain. People with mental illnesses are just as smart, and sane and successful as anyone else. Lots of successful people have mental illnesses. Abraham Lincoln had depression, John Nash had schizophrenia, Former U.S. Congresswoman Lynn Nancy Rivers has Bipolar disorder.

I want you to know that things were bad for me at one time, but now they're great. They will be for you too.

As for the services; you're young, you're not suppose to know a lot of things. Don't feel bad about that. Try calling 211. They will tell you about mental health services in your area. People incorporated is a really good service. They help you learn how to live with a mental illness. They helped me a lot. If you have any problems with it, tell me and I'll help you. Both of my parents are social workers, and I've dealt with the system myself; so I know what to do.

It sounds like to me that you don't have a lot of self-confidence and low esteem. A lot of times that can happen to children who have been abused. A lot of times when people have low self-esteem, they struggle. You need to try to find more self-esteem within yourself. Once you find some more self-esteem and self-confidence, you'll not only feel better, but you'll do better. And don't say your not smart. I know you are because you're seeking out help and your trying to deal with your problems. That's not something someone who wasn't smart could do.

And right now I'm going to give you some self-esteem, and I want you to know I mean everything I say.

You are a good, decent, deserving person, who deserves good things.
You do not deserve to be abused. You are not a loser.
You are a kind, thoughtful strong person.
You deserve to be loved.
You are capable and you have great talent and gifts within your self.
All you have to do in find them within inside you.

I want you to that I will be here for you.

#22 Guest__Spiral__*

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Posted 14 September 2009 - 11:06 PM

Hi scrobin


Iím really not smart. Iím not dumb, but I been in a mental institution before for various reason, in which my parents donít care and donít want to know. I have trouble with huge text of words. I have letters in the mail that I donít bother reading, mostly have to do with various loans and bills but I canít grasp most of info that I need to know, so I donít bother reading them. This also applies to reading large chuck of reading done in school. I usually fail classes that require too much reading. Luckily I manage to get in the school disability program so most of my books are put into tape however last semester the books didnít arrive early enough and I fail all three classes and was put on academic probation, which thanks to a letter of appeal, I manage to get back into school.

I also am a failure because of this; I usually miss important date because my brain keep misreading words and therefore I get into lot of troubles. When I was looking up the housing info online for area around my school and I completely felt nausea, and end up back in the dorm, because I could not deal with the confusion and hassle of renting a home on my own. For someone to be close to twenty-one year of age, I certainly donít have the brain capacity to truly function as an adult.

I canít make decision, have trouble taking risk, fear rejection, and so forth.

I do have low confidence and low self esteem, I been ridden with social anxiety (avoidance personality disorder) ever since I was in middle school after being constantly tease by girls and bullies by boys. It doesnít affect me anymore but it make life simple task much more devastating and much harder than it has to be.

Even so if all these things about my personality is true, why donít I have any friends by now and a girlfriend? I feel that all these good traits are a complete waste because I canít seem to come out of my shell. It like a car that is just fills up to full capacity of gas that has no driver to drive it anywhere. What good does that do? That car will always been sitting in the gas station watching as all the other car are having fun and going by it. I know what you mean, but it seem for the past 20 years, all those qualities that could be use to goods are a complete waste.

Thank you for being such a nice person to me scrobin, it just so strange to hear all of this from someone other than my parents, and it hurt as well.

#23 Guest__Spiral__*

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Posted 15 September 2009 - 11:17 AM

I guess instead of hurting psychologically, I am hurt physically. Being home, without anywhere to go and sitting on the comp all day has cause me physical pain. My back hurt now for the very first time, and since my dad has back problem, I hope mine is not severe. My eye are getting much worst as well, and it red in the morning everyday, and sometime it hurt. Depression is making me look bad, I just saw 3 white strand of hair on my head, and well I just feel old. My throat has really been ******* me along with my digestive tract. Every time I eat something, it hurt, and I stop before I even feel full. All of this is cause because of me being at home and all the computer all day but how can I stop? Back at school, I'm force to go to class, force to walk up hill to get to my apartment, I take the bus when I'm bore, I go to the gym, and so forth. When I'm at school I'm hardly in any pain, but I'm at home and I have symptom of someone who is old.

I have a feeling this is very bad, I'm lung are giving up or something. When I try to swallow, sometime I have to spit, and I am just vomiting too much. I can Burt anytime I want because my stomach and my lung is damage or something. So add along with my depression, I'm in physical pain as well. Also I been getting stomach ache on and off now. I guess my immune system is just too weak, it not active enough, I hope I don't have any serious problem when they x-ray me.

I guess that is all I have to say, Life really does suck doesn't it?

Update: I been searching the forum and reading people post and I realize something. Something just so important that it is so devastating. Before Senior year of high school, I was suffering in silence without someone to reach out to. My parents are one of the most demanding and strict parents on this side of the planet and they wouldn't even allow my sister and I to have internet until I was a senior in high school. I realize that my most miserable part of life that I needed advice and suggestion the most was ignore. I couldn't go online, I couldn't go on this forum, I couldn't get great advice form everyone here, i was meant to deal with everything alone, and it all thanks to my dad. I lost my life because he felt that the internet with porn would ruin me because he said it bad, but without internet for all those years, I was all alone. I'm just so :hearts: right now I feel like throwing stuff around. I couldn't figure out why it was so much easier until now because I know had I had these site I would not have been severely bully to the point where I would bleed, and I would have never reject that girl who wanted to be my girlfriend, and I would probably have done so many other things that would not go well in my parents eyes but would have save me from being a social failure, and be someone who I want to be, not who I am still trying to figure out. I think this is much harder to let go than anything else. I only slept for a few hours, just thinking what horrible parents I have. How I could I have let myself to suffer for so long, to the point of me breaking down and wanting to end my life when i should be enjoying what could have been the best years of a teen life (freshman year in college). All these pain If only I could relive life again even if I will have to tolerate another round of being bully and tease. If only I could reverse time, I would not be bully. I would fight, and I would not be tease, because I will get myself a girlfriend even if it middle school. I could do so much different given my current knowledge, that when high school start, I would have just as much confidence as anyone else. Dumb Dumb me, sometime it the past that bring even more pains.

Edited by _Spiral_, 15 September 2009 - 11:33 AM.


#24 scrobin

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Posted 15 September 2009 - 02:35 PM

It sounds like you might have dyslexia. That's a learning disability where, people see letters or words backwards. It doesn't mean that you're not smart. It just means you learn a little bit differently. Look up Helen B. Taussig on the internet. She was a famous doctor with dyslexia.

#25 Guest__Spiral__*

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Posted 16 September 2009 - 01:49 PM

It sounds like you might have dyslexia. That's a learning disability where, people see letters or words backwards. It doesn't mean that you're not smart. It just means you learn a little bit differently. Look up Helen B. Taussig on the internet. She was a famous doctor with dyslexia.


I check the video out and I can say for sure I don't have dyslexia. When there are more text than I can handle my brain can't seem to grasp even the basic of concept. Now take that large chunk and split it up into smaller pieces, then I can understand what I am reading. It still probably the same material but having too much text in one page make my life extremely more difficult. That is why I prefer textbook with pictures more so than regular book because too much text really overwhelm me. I still see the letter the same, but it overwhelm me.

#26 SecretMist

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Posted 16 September 2009 - 02:07 PM

I guess instead of hurting psychologically, I am hurt physically. Being home, without anywhere to go and sitting on the comp all day has cause me physical pain. My back hurt now for the very first time, and since my dad has back problem, I hope mine is not severe. My eye are getting much worst as well, and it red in the morning everyday, and sometime it hurt. Depression is making me look bad, I just saw 3 white strand of hair on my head, and well I just feel old. My throat has really been ******* me along with my digestive tract. Every time I eat something, it hurt, and I stop before I even feel full. All of this is cause because of me being at home and all the computer all day but how can I stop? Back at school, I'm force to go to class, force to walk up hill to get to my apartment, I take the bus when I'm bore, I go to the gym, and so forth. When I'm at school I'm hardly in any pain, but I'm at home and I have symptom of someone who is old.

I have a feeling this is very bad, I'm lung are giving up or something. When I try to swallow, sometime I have to spit, and I am just vomiting too much. I can Burt anytime I want because my stomach and my lung is damage or something. So add along with my depression, I'm in physical pain as well. Also I been getting stomach ache on and off now. I guess my immune system is just too weak, it not active enough, I hope I don't have any serious problem when they x-ray me.

I guess that is all I have to say, Life really does suck doesn't it?

Update: I been searching the forum and reading people post and I realize something. Something just so important that it is so devastating. Before Senior year of high school, I was suffering in silence without someone to reach out to. My parents are one of the most demanding and strict parents on this side of the planet and they wouldn't even allow my sister and I to have internet until I was a senior in high school. I realize that my most miserable part of life that I needed advice and suggestion the most was ignore. I couldn't go online, I couldn't go on this forum, I couldn't get great advice form everyone here, i was meant to deal with everything alone, and it all thanks to my dad. I lost my life because he felt that the internet with porn would ruin me because he said it bad, but without internet for all those years, I was all alone. I'm just so :hearts: right now I feel like throwing stuff around. I couldn't figure out why it was so much easier until now because I know had I had these site I would not have been severely bully to the point where I would bleed, and I would have never reject that girl who wanted to be my girlfriend, and I would probably have done so many other things that would not go well in my parents eyes but would have save me from being a social failure, and be someone who I want to be, not who I am still trying to figure out. I think this is much harder to let go than anything else. I only slept for a few hours, just thinking what horrible parents I have. How I could I have let myself to suffer for so long, to the point of me breaking down and wanting to end my life when i should be enjoying what could have been the best years of a teen life (freshman year in college). All these pain If only I could relive life again even if I will have to tolerate another round of being bully and tease. If only I could reverse time, I would not be bully. I would fight, and I would not be tease, because I will get myself a girlfriend even if it middle school. I could do so much different given my current knowledge, that when high school start, I would have just as much confidence as anyone else. Dumb Dumb me, sometime it the past that bring even more pains.


hi spiral,

hun your not dumb at all. you were raised in a strict environment. i know it's hard to see that and so many times we wish we could go back in time so that we could apply what we know now but we can't. what we can do is to build ourselves up and i know that's not easy but build ourselves up so that we can make our lives more bearable to live with. we can change our ways of thinking as hard as it may seem right now but it can be done. there are so many people that has missed out on a lot of things while growing up and that's a shame. in time you will make your way through this and see that you can change things to the point where you are happy with yourself and what you can change in your life to make you happy.
:flowers:

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and the lives of all for the better.
******************************************



#27 Guest__Spiral__*

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Posted 18 September 2009 - 01:22 AM

I'm just really tire today, really don't know how to explain it. I went to get my laptop fix today at some rich city, and I can't stop wondering what it like to be rich? All my life my family and I are the poorest off the poor and we still are poor. When I'm with my family, we never dare to eat at a fancy restaurant. In fact I would feel guilty if I eat at a fancy restaurant. Being poor your choice of food is so limited, we usually only eat fast food places like MacDonald, Carl Jrs, etc... I wish money was never the problem and any close restaurant will do. I'm really tire of hamburger and fries, and I'm really tire of being poor. I know with a college education, I could be somebody someday but I can never be rich.

#28 SecretMist

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Posted 18 September 2009 - 06:57 AM

I'm just really tire today, really don't know how to explain it. I went to get my laptop fix today at some rich city, and I can't stop wondering what it like to be rich? All my life my family and I are the poorest off the poor and we still are poor. When I'm with my family, we never dare to eat at a fancy restaurant. In fact I would feel guilty if I eat at a fancy restaurant. Being poor your choice of food is so limited, we usually only eat fast food places like MacDonald, Carl Jrs, etc... I wish money was never the problem and any close restaurant will do. I'm really tire of hamburger and fries, and I'm really tire of being poor. I know with a college education, I could be somebody someday but I can never be rich.


having money and being rich doesn't always make people happy as a matter of fact the yr my father passed his brother hit the lottery for 12 million and all it did was make things worse for him. with a college education you can be what ever you want to be and get the job that you would be happy with and at least be able to afford more then your use to, being rich can only make us happy for a certain amount of time and with depression being rich doesn't always make things better. i'm not saying it wouldn't help being rich for it would make me happy for awhile and i'd be able to do things that i can only dream of doing, like going to australia to visit a friend that i have never met in the real life but only over the internet. i so wish i could go. i know with my depression that it will always be there and i have to learn how to deal with it and coming here to df is one way that i can deal with it. i hope that you find sleep and some peace soon. keep posting.

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and the lives of all for the better.
******************************************



#29 Moonstarlite

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Posted 22 February 2010 - 01:42 AM

[quote name='_Spiral_' date='Sep 10 2009, 12:21 PM' post='563201']

ok... I've read all of your posts, so I feel that I have an urge to respond...

I'm shocked by how many "I'm sorry" that I had to keep reading, from some of the responses... not in a bad way... more like a personal frustration that life already has many "I'm sorry" People in our lives do come and go. Yet 'family' is something we can't choose for ourselves. Your sister for example... she never existed. Your parents... they could never see you for you... and most likely... they never will... how could they... especially if your sister demands so much from them in the first place...

How can anyone really see you? you don't even see yourself...

Who am I? .. I am you! The reason I read all of your post, it's because I felt every word as if they where my own... except for the wife, and white picket fence part.

College is not going well... its an escape to me, yet I can't seem to learn what they are trying to teach me... I really thought that college would somehow help me see things in a way that would help pave my way to some sense of success. Video games used to help a lot... now... I can't even get into it anymore. I always manage to sit by myself in the cafeteria... they see me, yet not one person has even sat with me to say hi... I would even be happy to have someone come over, and say " I feel sorry for you, so I'll sit with you" lol

My sister... it's an art form how she can hurt me! ... No matter what I do or say... she can't send a single compliment, or even an ounce of acceptance. She manages to be like the worst wife possible... yeah, yeah... I just compared my sister to a possible vicious wife. It's just that the nagging and constant put downs that makes me wonder " Do you really hate me that much? " Am I that drunken jerk that you married.... that you have to be so rotten to me?

My point is... I'm thankful to your posts... I am not alone... You are in your reality, as I am in mine... yet... again... I don't feel so alone anymore!

It is what it is... Death is worst then life... Cause death does not exist... Life does.

Keep in mind that High school never mattered! its true... many have taken high school way too seriously... Then college is the same as high school, for some of us that just don't fit in... nor do 'we' really want too.

There is a woman out there for you, and she will most likely be a lot like you... cause who else will be able to deal with you? You're emotionally stronger then you think, and you don't belong in a crowd... again... it is what it is.

As long as you can look at yourself in the mirror, and see who and what you are... then you'll be fine! ... how is that true? It's the fact that you can see! it's the fact that you write... the fact that you can share... I for one am not sorry at all... I simply accept you based on what you've shared, and I accept you! ... and right now... I'm sending your way hope... I send you what I can't show you... honest to goodness hope that you will see yourself in that mirror... you! not your sister, not your parents... not those boys and girls that hunt your dreams and memories... cause all that matters is that god hates you as long as you believe that... its all in your perception...

You choose to think in the way that you do. Your 'present' reality will never go away, yet you will see beyond this hell whole, if you choose to get away from it all, and trust that you will be free from them... You just have to find the courage to make it out there on your own... Even if you had a lot of money.. you would most likely spend it... it helps to spend money to get what we think we want... Yet... you'll end up not caring about the stuff anyway... Just admit that you are stuck in the past, and its hard to get out of it! Admit that you want to be free... admit that its ok to be poor, yet as long as you can afford your apartment, and be able to go outside... otherwise, you will keep living a lie... and no good comes from that. Lies are there to help cover a deeper demon... our true selves.

P'S. Guns are bad... buy yourself a box of pencils, and draw... write... become creative! There are enough guns in the middle east!




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