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[staceeyyy]

..if not, I'm sure someone can move it. =)

Well, I'm new here, so just a little background information before I get started on this rant of mine. I'm Stacey, fifteen years old and I'm from Northern Ireland. I suppose you could say I've lived a happy life; normal compared to the kind of troubled lives people have to endure each day. But depression really hit me when I was around the age of eleven, an early age to become depressed, but it had really changed me since.

Ever since I was 11, I remember developing these 'obsessions' if you could call it that. I don't know if it has anything to do with being depressed, but I'm sure it probably does. The obsessions were always linked with TV personalities. First off it was Jennifer Aniston, then Courteney Cox (mainly revolving around the Friends cast), then it turned to Nicole Kidman, then Ewan McGregor, then Hugh Jackman, and the most recent was Meryl Streep. I guess it was a certain movie or TV show that I had become interested in, then the obsessions with the characters started. For example, it was Friends that led to Jennifer and Courteney, Moulin Rouge for Nicole and Ewan, Australia for Hugh Jackman and Mamma Mia for Meryl Streep. But each of these obsessions lasted less than a year, then it faded and I moved on to something else.

I can't find the words to describe what it felt like, but I was just fascinated by these people, learnt everything there is to possibly know about them by researching online and using movies and books, etc. I felt pretty much like a freak to be honest. But after each obsession faded, I could almost guess who would be next because it was always after I'd watched a movie or TV show and seemed to be inspired by a certain personality. However, when the obsession for Meryl Streep died, nothing prepared me for what the next one could have been.

My Geography teacher. Sounds stupid, I know. And just to add to it, she's a girl. =P It's not a crush of any kind, and I'm not in love with her, etc. I don't see myself as being in a relationship with her as I am merely interested in the opposite sex, just for reference in case anyone suggests these ideas. I suppose it all started in February when I was having problems in school. I didn't like this teacher at first, and I'm a quiet person who tends to keep all their problems bottled up, never talking to anyone. But for some reason, I was drawn to talk to her, and ever since she's the only person I do talk to about things bothering me.

In my own theories, I think my mind has kind of led itself to believe that whenever I think about her, talk to or about her, or if she's in my mind at all everything is going to be okay, since she helped me so many times. I don't know if you'll understand what I mean but she just makes me seem so much happier. Before I talked to her I was emotional wreck, now everybody has said to me that they've noticed a huge unexplainable change in me, that I've been so much happier recently. But it's getting to the point where I can't live like this anymore. I can't stand these obsessions as it's turning me into somewhat of a stalker. I know where she lives, I know her phone number, details about her family, her car registration number, quite a lot of things.

But these acts of obsession seem as though it isn't even me controlling it, it's as though my mind has a 'mind' of it's own, if you know what I mean. All I wanted to ask was that if these obsessions had something to do with me feeling depressed? And why would she have been my next obsession after the celebrities? I don't want her to find out, God forbid, and I really don't want her to feel threatened by me. We have quite a good friendship and she helps me with so much. I'm grateful for that, and I don't want to ruin it.

Sorry for the long first post, I guess I got carried away. =P But if you've made it this far, thanks for reading, and please reply.

=) Stacey.

[Portyup]

..if not, I'm sure someone can move it. =)

Well, I'm new here, so just a little background information before I get started on this rant of mine. I'm Stacey, fifteen years old and I'm from Northern Ireland. I suppose you could say I've lived a happy life; normal compared to the kind of troubled lives people have to endure each day. But depression really hit me when I was around the age of eleven, an early age to become depressed, but it had really changed me since.

Ever since I was 11, I remember developing these 'obsessions' if you could call it that. I don't know if it has anything to do with being depressed, but I'm sure it probably does. The obsessions were always linked with TV personalities. First off it was Jennifer Aniston, then Courteney Cox (mainly revolving around the Friends cast), then it turned to Nicole Kidman, then Ewan McGregor, then Hugh Jackman, and the most recent was Meryl Streep. I guess it was a certain movie or TV show that I had become interested in, then the obsessions with the characters started. For example, it was Friends that led to Jennifer and Courteney, Moulin Rouge for Nicole and Ewan, Australia for Hugh Jackman and Mamma Mia for Meryl Streep. But each of these obsessions lasted less than a year, then it faded and I moved on to something else.

I can't find the words to describe what it felt like, but I was just fascinated by these people, learnt everything there is to possibly know about them by researching online and using movies and books, etc. I felt pretty much like a freak to be honest. But after each obsession faded, I could almost guess who would be next because it was always after I'd watched a movie or TV show and seemed to be inspired by a certain personality. However, when the obsession for Meryl Streep died, nothing prepared me for what the next one could have been.

My Geography teacher. Sounds stupid, I know. And just to add to it, she's a girl. =P It's not a crush of any kind, and I'm not in love with her, etc. I don't see myself as being in a relationship with her as I am merely interested in the opposite sex, just for reference in case anyone suggests these ideas. I suppose it all started in February when I was having problems in school. I didn't like this teacher at first, and I'm a quiet person who tends to keep all their problems bottled up, never talking to anyone. But for some reason, I was drawn to talk to her, and ever since she's the only person I do talk to about things bothering me.

In my own theories, I think my mind has kind of led itself to believe that whenever I think about her, talk to or about her, or if she's in my mind at all everything is going to be okay, since she helped me so many times. I don't know if you'll understand what I mean but she just makes me seem so much happier. Before I talked to her I was emotional wreck, now everybody has said to me that they've noticed a huge unexplainable change in me, that I've been so much happier recently. But it's getting to the point where I can't live like this anymore. I can't stand these obsessions as it's turning me into somewhat of a stalker. I know where she lives, I know her phone number, details about her family, her car registration number, quite a lot of things.

But these acts of obsession seem as though it isn't even me controlling it, it's as though my mind has a 'mind' of it's own, if you know what I mean. All I wanted to ask was that if these obsessions had something to do with me feeling depressed? And why would she have been my next obsession after the celebrities? I don't want her to find out, God forbid, and I really don't want her to feel threatened by me. We have quite a good friendship and she helps me with so much. I'm grateful for that, and I don't want to ruin it.

Sorry for the long first post, I guess I got carried away. =P But if you've made it this far, thanks for reading, and please reply.

=) Stacey.

Hiya Stacey,
Noticed your first post (my first too), i too have had my fair share of celebrity worship syndrome almost to the point of obsession.Reading, watching and buying every magazine with any picture of the latest crush plastered over the glossy cover! For me it was more pop stars than movie stars and usually lasted about six months. I had something missing in my life and needed to fixate on anything i found interesting to the point of ocd behaviour. My sleep suffered immensely (does yours?) as i just had tons of mad ideas floating around in my head about meeting my idols and having hilarious adventures with them. Luckily i never knew where they lived ! Unfortunately your latest crush is someone you know and probably live close to.I found that my obsessions started when my mum divorced and i found out that i was adopted. She always meant to tell me but as i got older it was a lot harder deciding when the right time was. Upon self analyzing this was where my ocd started and most likely when you were eleven something happened in your life that eventually made you depressed and needing to fixate on something or someone. Its good that you realise your problem and the need to control it before you get yourself into an embarrassing situation which will more than likely make you even more depressed!
Have your obsessions anything to do with depression? I say yes, more than likely and if you work out the cause of the depression and address it maybe some peace of mind will come. It might be something easy to remember or something so insignificant only your subconscious is aware of it. I wish i was an expert on the subject and help you more but can only talk through my experiences with depression,obsession and insomnia. Oh and i just realized what time it is ! Until next time.....

[staceeyyy]

Thank you so much for the replies and for the understanding. :)

@Portyup: My sleep suffers terribly. I've went to the doctors about it and everything but there's little they can do. I keep having to get blood tests done for things like diabetes and anaemia but no results have come back yet. During school I would have to get up at about 6.30am which means to achieve this I would need to be asleep before midnight, but it never worked for me. I would lay in bed for hours until finally getting to sleep at about 4 or 5am. Sometimes I would even have to stay up all night because it's impossible for me to get down to sleep which means I would be almost falling asleep in school. Now though with the holidays, I stay up to 5 or 6am before going to sleep, but I suppose it's easier since I can sleep during the day when there's no school. Also, there is something which kind of triggered my depression. When I was 11, my mum and dad divorced, but it was then I found out that my dad, wasn't actually my biological father. I had never met my real dad or ever heard of him, but that was when I'd found out. I guess everything went downhill from then but I got help so after a year or so, things turned out okay. Remember how I said the obsession with the teacher started around February? That was when my biological father first ever got in contact with me, bribing me to meet him with concert tickets and saying that I belong with him. He told me he would be waiting at my school to bring me home. I never spoke to him or replied when he emailed me, but I felt very threatened by him. I got a molestation order against him, and went to the solicitor but they done nothing. So I emailed him and told him just to back off for now, and if I ever needed him I could always email him. But it was in Februrary, right after this happened, that I first talked to the teacher.

Our Geography class, which she normally teachers, was taken over by a male training teacher. He was young, very immature and something about him just repelled me from him. I hated him. I began taking asthma attacks in his class which was slightly odd as my asthma hadn't bothered me for years before that. I talked to a doctor about it, and they said it had something to do with stress induced anxiety attacks, which then triggered my asthma. It was because I wasn't comfortable with this teacher, and that's why I talked to my proper Geography teacher, that's when she first helped me.

@Iowa: I don't exactly know what role I would need to fill in my life =P I already have everyone I could possibly need, except my father. But I doubt that she would fill the role of my father. :L But saying that, I've started having these dreams, strange unexplainable dreams, where my mother had died and the teacher took me in, gave me shelter, a roof over my head. Each dreams are different, but that is the reoccuring one. In every dream though, she seems to help me someway or another, but each dream always turns out good, because she's there.

Thanks again for your replies. :)

[Portyup]

Hiya Stacey,
Arrrrrgh this is my 3rd attempt at a reply ! No idea what went wrong before
but when i checked no reply or pm was sent d`oh ! Unfortunately it was 5am in the
morning (isn`t insomnia a Biotch/dog whatever sex it is!!).I cannot for the life of me
remember a D*** thing i wrote...well almost.Not suprised by your sleep patterns being so
awful, thats probably my least favourite part.Hopefully the blood tests will not be too
bad, but if they find something surely they can treat it and give you a break from the
hell that is INSOMNIA !!!

Yes the shock of the divorce and revelation of another dad explains the plummet into
depression, i thought there would be a trigger like that reading between the lines of
your post. Did your biological father back off when asked ? If not i hope things weren`t
too uncomfortable for you. On the other hand if he did back away and give you breathing
space in the last four months then that shows he cares about your feelings and maybe
rushed the reunion a little too quickly.A similar thing happened to my friend who had not
seen her real dad for 10 years and had no memory of him.He also went a little too quick
at the beginning buying her mp3 players phones etc.Her mum wasn`t pleased with him being
back in their lives and still does not talk to him. My friend still has her dad who
brought her up but has also developed a strong bond with her biological father.I take it
you were under the age of five and have no memory of him? The bribes of concert
tickets(anyone good? haha) is probably a show of guilt about not being in your life and
wanting to make you happy,thats what dads do :=P

If your obsession with your teacher started at the same time as your fathers appearance
maybe thats the difference between the obsession with celebrities and your teacher. Your
subconscious wanting the relationship of a natural father but instead finding the kind
soul of a caring teacher who sounds great by the way.Tell me if i`m being nosey but what
is your relationship with your divorced dad? Do you talk openly to him? What about your
mum ? How much can you or have you told her and is she supportive?
What are your intentions regarding your biological father? Has he scared you off with
pushing you too fast or can you try to slowly build a trust? Maybe some contact with him
will deplete the obsession with your teacher which may be building into something that
you cannot control.

Are you from Belfast? Thats the only place in Northern Ireland i have visited and what a
lovely place it is.
Until next time....

Edited by Portyup, 07 July 2009 - 03:03 PM.

[seesousme]

Hi stacey, i just thought i'd say i completely get where you're coming from... i was obsessed with my year 9 geography teacher (creepy coincidence!) a couple of years ago. i knew so much more then i should have about her, was happiest when i was around her and generally thought she was the most amazing person in the world. I also used to dream that i would somehow lose my family and she would take me in and become my mother - things were not easy at home and this was the way i coped. Clearly it was unhealthy, and im sure no one will read this since the last post was so long ago, but i just thought i'd let you know that there are other girls in the world who know their teachers addresses and number plates when they probably shouldnt :P