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Why Do People Say They Care When They Don't


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#1 Rodders

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Posted 21 May 2009 - 04:11 PM

Why is it that some people will say that they care about you but the reality is that they don't. I know some people like this, they are very supportive when I ask but they wont ask how I am when I turn up at work in the morning. On days when I am obviously not doing very well, do I get a "are you ok" not a chance, but if I bring it up then I get "Oh yes we noticed you were not ok". These are the people that say they care.
Why can't people just be honest and say they don't want to deal with it, at least then I know where I stand.

#2 Sheepwoman

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Posted 21 May 2009 - 04:32 PM

If you're referring to people at your workplace, many are embarrassed to bring up the subject that "you don't look well." Mostly, they wait for you to say something before they pass on their sentiments. I worked for a clinic, naturally everyone was observant of each other and always asking if you didn't look or act right "Are you ok?", "Is there something I can do?" etc. The caring was real. It's not to say only medical people are the only caring people, there are people in every type of employment who truly do care about a co-worker.

Why can't people just be honest and say they don't want to deal with it


Again, embarrassment or they don't want to hurt feelings, so it's basically ignored.

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#3 Guest_iowa_*

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Posted 21 May 2009 - 06:07 PM

Hi Rodders,
I basically agree with Sheepwoman. I've been dealing with depression for more years that most people in this forum have been alive. Along the way I have experienced much the same thing. I luckily had a lightbulb moment after not too many years of being more open about my depression. I was in the hospital when another patient got flowers and started wondering why my workplace didn't send me any (I knew they sent them to anyone in the hospital). I called an adminstrative assistant and asked about it. She said that they just didn't know how I would feel about being sent flowers. I think that many people just don't know what to do or how to respond. Maybe the next time someone responds to you with a "I noticed you didn't look like you were doing well", you could respond. Maybe that you understand that they may not know whether or not to say something or what to say, so I'd like you to know that it would be really supportive if you'd say something. I'd much rather you say about anything than to pretend you don't notice. I think you can something very pleasantly that will let them know what kind of support you want.
Another thought is that if someone tells you they're supportive or that they care, let them know right then how they can best show their support or care for you. I think that we learn how to treat people by seeing how other people treat each other as well as how they treat us. Since many people have never seen people interacting with someone with depression (BP or any other mental issue) and since they don't have that illness, they have no clue as to how to act.
We may be giving your work place companions too much credit and perhaps we should be as angry at them as you are. I'll vote for trying to show them the way before deciding for sure that they really don't care.
Iowa

#4 naturalseeker

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Posted 21 May 2009 - 06:15 PM

Why is it that some people will say that they care about you but the reality is that they don't. I know some people like this, they are very supportive when I ask but they wont ask how I am when I turn up at work in the morning. On days when I am obviously not doing very well, do I get a "are you ok" not a chance, but if I bring it up then I get "Oh yes we noticed you were not ok". These are the people that say they care.
Why can't people just be honest and say they don't want to deal with it, at least then I know where I stand.



They're not showing you where you stand... they're showing you where THEY stand.

I think most people haven't done as much soul-searching as people like us have. And if they haven't had any reason to get to know themselves at a deep level, they can't very well know how to really love or care for someone else very well. All that to say, it has more to do with them and where they are in their lives, and nothing to do with you or with them not caring for you... they care for you as much as their own level of awareness lets them be able to... and you really can't ask much more of them. It's funny, but for me the people who have been most "there" for me, and who go out of their way to ask how I'm doing, are the other people I know who suffer from depression. It's like it makes us more sensitive or something.

At least you know that you can come here... where everybody understands what's going on. You're not alone! I just joined this forum, but we've already "clicked", and I feel like I can relate to you... that's a good feeling for me, and hopefully for you too! :)

This is random, but I went to youtube today and searched "instant depression relief", and this is what came up...

(Oops! I didn't know I couldn't post a link here!) Well, anyway, it was a kind of soothing, meditation-like breathing exercise... and just made me feel better...

... kind of a mini vacation. So there's a "good feeling" from me to you! :)
"A bunch of little steps equals one giant leap."

#5 BetterBe93

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Posted 21 May 2009 - 07:06 PM

I have the same feeling that people mostly don't care, but the opposite experience with my coworkers. Lately I've been feeling quite withdrawn and I think it's starting to show at work, because my coworkers have started asking, "Are you feeling okay?" But I think they ask this mostly to make themselves feel better that they've asked, or maybe as a polite way of saying "cheer up already", not because they really want to hear the true answer. I try to be a good listener when my coworkers want to talk about their problems, but on the few occasions that I've tried to talk about mine I've been cut short. I don't expect people at work to care about my personal problems, but it irritates me that they ask only when I am obviously not in the mood to talk.

Edited by BetterBe93, 21 May 2009 - 07:07 PM.


#6 Rodders

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Posted 21 May 2009 - 07:13 PM

I think I will just keep everything to a work relationship only. I know that if I don't say anything they wont ask. They can live in their world and I will keep to mine.




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