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I Don't Want To Die, I Just Don't Really Want To Live Either..


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11 replies to this topic

#1 JennInNC

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Posted 26 March 2009 - 06:40 PM

And that's about where I'm at right now, I have an appointment with my therapist next Tuesday which seems like an eternity the way I'm feeling right now. I am just so absolutely sick and tired of feeling sad all the time and always feeling my situation is hopeless, and it seems to get worse every year. Right now I am jobless, needing to move soon but not having any money to do so and in one of the worst depressive bouts I've put up with yet.. It's going on four months now that I have had the thought that I just flat out don't want to exist anymore. I feel like I am just sitting here waiting helplessly until something else bad happens to me. I wish my appointment was tomorrow, I at least need the comfort of venting and crying there. I don't talk about my depression much with my friends (the ones I still see lately.) I feel like nobody listens/cares or that they just get uncomfortable if I need to talk. I feel like I have literally no one I can talk to. At least in my sessions I can say exactly how I'm feeling and cry all I need to and not feel like I'm being judged. I've never been suicidal to the point where I actually devised a plan to go through with it, so I suppose that I could be worse off. But, really, even thinking that I'd rather be dead is just to much for me to handle, hardly a natural thing to be going through my head. I feel broken, just don't know how to get fixed..
~jen

Edited by JennInNC, 26 March 2009 - 06:49 PM.

"Who are you to judge the life I live? I know I'm not perfect and I don't live to be. But, before you start pointing fingers, make sure your hands are clean." -Bob Marley

#2 jellybean27

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Posted 26 March 2009 - 06:51 PM

Hey sweetie :hearts: I am so sorry ur are so down (BIG HUGS!!!!) I how u feel when ur appointments are awhile away & ur in bad shape, u do have us here sweetie we care about u & im sooo happy u come here & trust us with shaing ur thoughts & feelings. We dont feel uncomfy to hear ur feelings cause we know what ur going through & are going through it. If u get worse maybe u should go to the dr or somewhere safe. I hope u get better very soon!!! And ur appt goes good. just remember u have us here to vent to.XOXO!!! :hearts: :flowers: :hearts:





~ My hope for a good life is porportionate to my forgiving heart.

Happiness is within my power. ~


~ I need courage to face the truth; and the truth will strengthen me ~
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#3 JennInNC

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Posted 26 March 2009 - 07:07 PM

Thanks, I don't really know what to do, I've been getting worse since December anyways, this is one of the lowest points I feel like I've ever been at, and I've had some D*** low ones..
"Who are you to judge the life I live? I know I'm not perfect and I don't live to be. But, before you start pointing fingers, make sure your hands are clean." -Bob Marley

#4 Kanz612

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Posted 26 March 2009 - 08:39 PM

JennInNC,
It sounds as if you have a great therapist since you are looking forward to seeing her/him so much, many people can't say the same! I know how it feels to be in your position, but everything will get better with time. You are alive today, be happy for that. If you ever need to chat just let me know and I will be here for you. I know it can seem like nobody really cares about your problems, but everyone here does and we are all here for you. If you need anything please don't hesitate to hit me up! Feel better :hearts:.
Sincerely,
Kanz
I am always here to help anyone who needs it! If you need ANYTHING at all please send me a message and we can talk whenever you want.

#5 SavannahFaith

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Posted 26 March 2009 - 09:21 PM

Jen,

I'm sorry things have been so rough for you.

are you on any medications? I ask for a couple of reasons:

1. they can help -- it may take awhile to find the right one and the right dosage, but they can help.
2. if you ARE on something, some meds can actually cause these suicidal "I don't want to be here anymore" thoughts and that would be something you want to bring up with your psychiatrist.

I know what it's like to live with that "trapped" feeling -- caught between not being able to live and not wanting to die -- it's a very painful place to be. Give yourself credit for enduring it for as long as you have because I know from my experience, I start to lose it after a week or so of that.

I think you need to take some positive action for yourself this weekend. Since you don't see your therapist until next tuesday, maybe you could spend the weekend taking care of you. I mean really taking care of you. Make yourself yummy meals, take a warm bath, go for a walk. Do those healthy self-care activities -- even if you have to fake it.

Sometimes we have to force our way through depression.

Take care,
Savannah

#6 chels_barb

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Posted 26 March 2009 - 10:02 PM

JennInNC,

Sounds like you are in a similar situation as me. I'm also jobless and I feel like I am just treading water till life is better. I know how hopeless these phases of depression can feel, but keep putting up with it. You will feel better. And If your friends act like they don't care when you need to talk about how you feel then they are not very good friends in my opinion. I wish I could find a friend that would truly care and be there for me when I am depressed but I think it is hard to find.

Also like Savannah said, just do whatever it takes to take care of yourself until your appointment...even if it means being a little selfish. Hang in there! Hope you feel better.

:hearts: Chels
And all we need now is love
We've been through enough
We can't run just 'cause we're scared
We've come this far
We're not giving up

--Flyleaf

#7 DesertLily

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Posted 26 March 2009 - 10:28 PM

:hearts: :hearts: ((((Jen)))) :hearts: :flowers:

I'm so sorry you're hurting so much. I haven't been exactly where you are but I feel like I have been in a very similar situation and I can truly empathize with you and understand how much pain you're in. I know it's near impossible(extremely understated) to believe things will get better right now; all I can say is, the way things are right now aren't going to be how they always will be, life gets better and it will get better for you.
~Ann


"Our Greatest Glory Consists Not In Never Falling, But In Rising Every Time We Fall"-- Unknown


#8 JennInNC

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Posted 27 March 2009 - 10:37 AM

Thanks so much for the replies from all of you, every one here is so supportive. I am on meds Savannah, although they will be getting changed soon, I take Wellbutrin, which I cut my dosage of in half a few days ago on orders from my doc b/c it has way too many side effects for me, I also take Buspar and a low dose of Adderall since I'm lucky enough to have ADD too. I think my doc is going to put me back on an SSRI, although I must admit I've tried most of them by now. He mentioned Effexor, it's an SNRI or something like that, works on serotonin as well as neuroepinephrine. I was on Cymbalta before the Wellbutrin and it didn't work great, although I never used it with something like Buspar of Abilify so I might ask him if we could give it another shot, it definitely did something, and had less side effects than most ADs I've used.

I feel like all I'm ever doing lately is something for me, to keep myself calm, or from getting overly frustrated or whatever. Gotta say it does feel kind of selfish. I want to be in a place where I can listen to others talk and actually care about what they are saying. It's like I hear them, and I comprehend the words, but I'm so stuck on whatever it may be at the time in my head that I just don't care. I hate that, because when I'm not especially depressed I'm a good listener. Here's hoping things look up soon,
~jen
"Who are you to judge the life I live? I know I'm not perfect and I don't live to be. But, before you start pointing fingers, make sure your hands are clean." -Bob Marley

#9 SavannahFaith

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Posted 27 March 2009 - 03:20 PM

Jen, there's nothing wrong with being selfish right now. First, because selfish doesn't mean to place yourself above others -- it simply means to be concerned with the self. Right now, you're going through a difficult time and I think it's important to be concerned with yourself. I think you probably need more of your own attention right now. It's not rude or inappropriate to express your love for yourself in a greater degree of self-care. It's what's needed.

So beat yourself up for not being there for everyone else. Right now, YOU need you. Ok?

Savannah

#10 JennInNC

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Posted 27 March 2009 - 04:00 PM

Savannah, you do make a very good point. I am much better than I used to be. A few years back (like5-6) I was the biggest people pleaser you'd ever meet. I am better now and I realize that I need to take care of me first. It's caring for myself and caring for others (which I do a great deal of) that causes a disconnect when I'm extremely depressed. I like being there for others and not being able to because I have to focus on myself so much gets to me sometimes. I wonder, maybe I like taking care of others so much because it forces me to deal with other people's problems instead of my own, hmm..
~jen
"Who are you to judge the life I live? I know I'm not perfect and I don't live to be. But, before you start pointing fingers, make sure your hands are clean." -Bob Marley

#11 whimpy2

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Posted 27 March 2009 - 08:35 PM

I am in a situation home all day because I can not work, I messed up so bad by gaining weight to the point of my knees giving out so going for a walk is hard. I found a website but do not want to sound like I am promoting it it helped me it is called "How to define your purpose in life" so far it helped a little. If you'd like the link let me know.
Remember we too are here with you so please do not feel alone ok

#12 lizzy100

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Posted 28 March 2009 - 03:09 PM

i feel much the same, i dont want to actively **** myself or anything but i dont particularly want to live either. but i have been suicidal and tried things in the past so i dont really want to get to that point again, but i just have to hope i dont i guess. ur lucky u have a therapist u can tlk to, at least u have some help. take care. x




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