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My Whole Life Has Been A Lie/mistake.


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11 replies to this topic

#1 lostman

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Posted 04 March 2009 - 02:25 PM

I tried to break away from all this. But I can't. I realized everything I thought I did that was right just made me messed up.
I thought I liked art. (Art may not be this way for all but it has been for me) But art is what made me this person I am today. I was so wrapped up in my art that I never developed myself. I became the exact opposite of what it means to be happy.
I kept on pretending what my grandma said about my height being important didn't affect me. I kept on trying to rebel her and pretend nothing was wrong but everything was wrong. She was giving me reality and I didn't want to face that I actually cared about it just as much as she did. I pretended like I didn't give it but I did. It's eating me up inside.
Basically almost everytime I rebelled I was just hurting myself. Everytime I did things I thought were right or "for" me were all against me. It shaped me into this wonderfully messed up person.
I felt like my life could have been "normal" but it made it as different and every way awkward as it was. I turned my average life into an awkward life. I never did things normal boys did. I never had a life normal kids had. I ruined my whole life.

#2 goaliechic32

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Posted 04 March 2009 - 03:02 PM

I tried to break away from all this. But I can't. I realized everything I thought I did that was right just made me messed up.
I thought I liked art. (Art may not be this way for all but it has been for me) But art is what made me this person I am today. I was so wrapped up in my art that I never developed myself. I became the exact opposite of what it means to be happy.
I kept on pretending what my grandma said about my height being important didn't affect me. I kept on trying to rebel her and pretend nothing was wrong but everything was wrong. She was giving me reality and I didn't want to face that I actually cared about it just as much as she did. I pretended like I didn't give it but I did. It's eating me up inside.
Basically almost everytime I rebelled I was just hurting myself. Everytime I did things I thought were right or "for" me were all against me. It shaped me into this wonderfully messed up person.
I felt like my life could have been "normal" but it made it as different and every way awkward as it was. I turned my average life into an awkward life. I never did things normal boys did. I never had a life normal kids had. I ruined my whole life.



Dear lostman,

I dont really understand what you mean by it was a mistake. you may want to elaborate more so we can offer you help. but i do know that i have made alot of decisions not for me, but for what i thought was the "best" decision, the one that made me look the best. its never too late to change! Im trying now...its a slow process...but little by little im learning to do things for me
good luck!

#3 lostman

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Posted 04 March 2009 - 03:25 PM

I feel like a lot of things I chose to do where just wrong.
I chose to wrap myself in art. That led me to be basically anti-social and consumed by it. I didn't realize it until now.
I chose to not play sports and that has gotten me even more anti-social. and connects with my next issue.
I chose not to care about my height, now I am short and upset. I chose not to eat well which affects all aspects of my life/health, growth. I chose not to care about my weight and I wasted almost a lifetime struggling with it.
and the list goes on that's what I mean.
And in the end all those choices have made me feel like crap.
I thought art was my dream and now it is the same reason I feel like crap. All these years I've been spending my time on something that has given me nothing but sadness. It's like some people I wasted time on. I was there for my cousin and in the end I was the one suffering. I didn't want money or anything but I ignored what I needed which was to work on myself. Just like I ignored working on myself because of "art". I wasted my whole life on things that only made me feel worse I think I part of me was trying to tell me that only I didn't realize it until it was too late.

#4 mmoose

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Posted 04 March 2009 - 03:52 PM

Hey Lostman,
sounds like you realized that you've lost some time in your life. But there's still a lot of life left. Heck, if you're an artist, isn't that suffering "required" to make good art? (ok, half joking, but half serious if you know what I mean)

But the good news is, you're not done. There is time ahead. So it's not the same. You realize you need to work on you. Instead of doing it in school or such, you'll do it when you're in the 20s or 30s or 60s. Heck, none of us here are done, and I don't think I'll ever be done.

Realization is the first step, focus on moving ahead in the right way, don't worry about "lost time", it's gone anyway.

(and yea, most rebellion is self destructive. You can only hope that the damage you do is temporary. And that it was fun at the time)
martymoose

#5 goaliechic32

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Posted 04 March 2009 - 03:59 PM

I agree with mmoose. you have lots of time. dont think you have to figure everything out right away. take slow steps. I too have focused tons of time and energy on something that i thought i liked and realized that i dont. We're in the same boat there. Im trying to slowly decide what my next step should be. Its the reason im depressed in the first place. also, i did make a lot of decisions in my life based on what other people wanted. Dont worry- it is never too late to be what you might have been! Dont give up hope, just take baby steps to do things you love and things that make you happy. Easier said than done? i know...im working on it myself. but truthfully, just make you happy. And in the end, all those things you did for others will be a learning process for you. you'll learn more about you. And what better time to be the real you than now??

#6 Sheepwoman

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Posted 04 March 2009 - 04:01 PM

People who devote thewir time doing something they really like (like you and art,) often isolate themself. When the time comes when they realize there's a whole outside world, soccalizing with others is daunting and frightening.

I was so wrapped up in my art that I never developed myself


Learn how to love and nurture yourself should be your top priority. From there, make positive changes in yourself (thinking and behavior) will make a huge difference in your life.

Height isn't important. There are plenty men who are short in comparison to what's conidered to be the average height of men today. Height is more or less the rsult of genetics and diet. If parents are short, offspring alsio tend to be short. My mom was tall (5'10") my father was a bit shorter (5'8"). My sis and I are shorter than our parents.

I chose to not play sports and that has gotten me even more anti-socia


Not everyone par take in sports in high school or college. You can always start now with joining a bicycle club or join a gym. Both are great ways to build socializing skills as you're in like activities. We all need aerobic exercise which is also good for weight management. Change to a healthier diet that contains a lot of vegetables, fruit, and Omega 3 fish. Cut out junk food and anything that is fried. That type of diet is good to lower cholesterol and enhancing physical and mental well-being.

Have you considered talk therapy? It's beneficial for your mental health. You will gain coping skills and self-esteem.
Sheepwoman
It is not the life I lived; but the life I leave behind. Posted Image
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God will give you no more than you can handle. This is all a test to see if you are really ready for the good things that are going to come your way. All this pain is going to come back and make me stronger.-Clarence Clemmons 1942-2011

Everything I know, I know because I love. Leo Tolstoy War and Peace

#7 lostman

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Posted 04 March 2009 - 04:29 PM

i'm already 20 I feel like I messed up my whole life. And yes suffering and moodiness is what is supposed to be stereotypical of artists. I just found out a while ago. Possibly why some people create good art but not me. lol.
I know I shouldn't focus on it but I do. Nope rebellion was not fun nor did I due temporary damage. it's damaged me permanently. I made me do things I wouldn't have done if I was in the right mind.
thanks for the heads up. I know the problem with me being happy now is that what I might have been is lost. I can't be what I might have been. I would if I was 4 years old. But now I just don't see where I wanted to be initially. The sad things is some of it is things I did for others but another part is stuff I did for myself. The stuff I did for others wasted my time but the stuff I thought was for myself was not and wasted my time as well.
I feel know that because of my poor diet and exercise I never reached my height potential. I know but I guess for me as a guy it feels worse because because I feel weak because of it. Others who don't play sports I guess I don't care about but myself I feel weaker for it. I try to run and work out but I feel those things are kinda not considered sports anyway. I just feel like a weak man. I feel less of a man. I remember how I used to say I don't need sports to feel like a man because it's just to make you feel more like one but in reality I did needed sports. I needed something to be an achievement.

#8 goaliechic32

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Posted 04 March 2009 - 04:37 PM

i'm already 20 I feel like I messed up my whole life. And yes suffering and moodiness is what is supposed to be stereotypical of artists. I just found out a while ago. Possibly why some people create good art but not me. lol.
I know I shouldn't focus on it but I do. Nope rebellion was not fun nor did I due temporary damage. it's damaged me permanently. I made me do things I wouldn't have done if I was in the right mind.
thanks for the heads up. I know the problem with me being happy now is that what I might have been is lost. I can't be what I might have been. I would if I was 4 years old. But now I just don't see where I wanted to be initially. The sad things is some of it is things I did for others but another part is stuff I did for myself. The stuff I did for others wasted my time but the stuff I thought was for myself was not and wasted my time as well.
I feel know that because of my poor diet and exercise I never reached my height potential. I know but I guess for me as a guy it feels worse because because I feel weak because of it. Others who don't play sports I guess I don't care about but myself I feel weaker for it. I try to run and work out but I feel those things are kinda not considered sports anyway. I just feel like a weak man. I feel less of a man. I remember how I used to say I don't need sports to feel like a man because it's just to make you feel more like one but in reality I did needed sports. I needed something to be an achievement.


20 years old is still young. im 25, already put in 3 1/2 years of grad school in addition to college and am now considering a career change. you have the rest of your life to do anything! when you are growing up you are just discovering what you want. now is the time to be you!! My husband also went to school 4 years, worked as a physical therapist and then hated it. he now is teaching and loves it. Dont give up. Do what YOU want!

#9 lostman

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Posted 04 March 2009 - 06:59 PM

Your husband has you. He's already in a much better position than me and same with you. You have each other. I know it sounds odd but for me it's not the fact of my career change that bugs me the most but a part of me I lost that hurts the most. I know I can do better but I'll never accomplish what I always wanted to. I've tried but I'll never feel complete. Sure maybe no one is truly ever satisfied with their life but I just want to be enough so that I am not the way I am. I am not even sure anymore what I want.

#10 goaliechic32

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Posted 05 March 2009 - 08:14 AM

Your husband has you. He's already in a much better position than me and same with you. You have each other. I know it sounds odd but for me it's not the fact of my career change that bugs me the most but a part of me I lost that hurts the most. I know I can do better but I'll never accomplish what I always wanted to. I've tried but I'll never feel complete. Sure maybe no one is truly ever satisfied with their life but I just want to be enough so that I am not the way I am. I am not even sure anymore what I want.



Yes it is true we have each other, but it wasnt always like that. My process was a long process as well. When i was 20 years old i had recently gone thru a situation in which i was with a boy that was abusive (mentally and emotionally) and I had lost all of my friends and pushed my family away bc of it. I became weak and stayed with him for almost 2 years. After finally breaking up with him i found it hard to move on. I didnt know who i was and what i wanted. I always thought that i would go to med school so i began taking classes that i needed in college to do so. Then i switched to chemistry. I started to get better, but slowly. for a long time i didnt let anyone into my life. When i finally did meet my future husband he realized that i didnt have any close friends and he helped me to let people in my life. This entire process happened from the time i was 18 until 22, and i am still trying to become the person i want to be. Its not to late. What do you want to become? Start slowly. Dont have unreasonable expectations for yourself. And seek help...dont be afraid of that. I was and it only hurt me.

#11 korn64

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Posted 06 March 2009 - 03:58 AM

I tried to break away from all this. But I can't. I realized everything I thought I did that was right just made me messed up.
I thought I liked art. (Art may not be this way for all but it has been for me) But art is what made me this person I am today. I was so wrapped up in my art that I never developed myself. I became the exact opposite of what it means to be happy.
I kept on pretending what my grandma said about my height being important didn't affect me. I kept on trying to rebel her and pretend nothing was wrong but everything was wrong. She was giving me reality and I didn't want to face that I actually cared about it just as much as she did. I pretended like I didn't give it but I did. It's eating me up inside.
Basically almost everytime I rebelled I was just hurting myself. Everytime I did things I thought were right or "for" me were all against me. It shaped me into this wonderfully messed up person.
I felt like my life could have been "normal" but it made it as different and every way awkward as it was. I turned my average life into an awkward life. I never did things normal boys did. I never had a life normal kids had. I ruined my whole life.



I've been there lostman, although my circomstances are a tad different and it wasn't until I lost someone I cared about, I know what it's like...

Stay strong, if there is anyone around that may care about don't be afraid to ask them, it can't hurt...
Truth is Beauty no matter how ugly the secret

#12 vegetablevn

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Posted 03 October 2010 - 09:07 AM

Hi,



Thanks very much for this comment. It help me to think about my ideals.





Tks again and pls keep posting.



I've been there lostman, although my circomstances are a tad different and it wasn't until I lost someone I cared about, I know what it's like...

Stay strong, if there is anyone around that may care about don't be afraid to ask them, it can't hurt...






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