My Mum Is Under Pressure From My Dad
Posted 02 March 2009 - 08:19 PM
My mum rang me up upset. My dad plans to bring my step mother up to my mum's place. My mum has made it clear in the past that she would not let my step mum in and I think my dad is aware of this, although I can't be sure. Anyway, I have a feeling my step mum plans to stay in the car while my dad quickly says hello to my mum before taking me and my brother out for dinner with my step mum, for my brother's birthday.
My dad told his plan to my brother, who told my mother, but told my mother not to tell my father that he told her in the event that she decides to ring my father. She told me that she plans to say she over heard the conversation between my brother and father, but I fear that this is a flimsy lie which my father will see through. I warned my mother about this.
I didn't know what to say really. My mother rehearsed her call with me on what she was going to say to my father. It was a little aggressive, so I suggested she be assertive, but she didn't agree. Anyway, my brother has said that he will go out with his friends rather than be forced to choose which parent to stay with if it comes to it. My mother planned to say this to my dad, but I suggested it could be taken to mean that she was telling my brother what to do.
I don't know what to do really. I don't know where my dad stands now, and my mother is pretty polarised on the issue. Her aggression could polarise my dad or cause him to ignore her genuine concerns, which would cause tensions.
Also, there is a small problem with my step mum's attitude in that she believes that we are her children and that she cares. But I feel there are natural limits, such as I expect only to have one mother and father. Having someone else try to be my mother seems threatening. I love my step mother to bits, and I tried to explain I was bothered by her approach, especially on holiday when I barely knew her. She demanded things of me as though she was my mother, and I felt it was disrespectful. I don't think my own mother demands things of me in such a way, we usually ask and compromise for a particular job we dislike.
I just had to get this out!
Posted 02 March 2009 - 08:54 PM
Posted 03 March 2009 - 02:27 AM
I agree with Chel. It's your parent's business, how they work through this. I know and understand the pressure from one or both of them to get involved, they want support and go to the people closest to them to get it. They're not being bad but they need to understand that you love and care about both of them and it's not fair to put either you or your brother in the middle of this. I know it's hard but I think you need to distance yourself from what's going on between them. Do you think you'd be able to do that?
Also of course you need time to build a relationship with your step mother. It's not fair of her to expect you to automatically see her as a mother figure. That's something she has to earn. If she feels otherwise it's her problem, not yours.
Posted 03 March 2009 - 07:20 PM
Posted 04 March 2009 - 03:23 AM
I'm sorry you're caught up in the middle of this. It really isn't your problem. Your parents are both adults and need to manage their relationship themselves. It's very very unfair of them to drag you into it.
I understand you being upset and worried about your mother's depression. It's great that you want to support her but you also have to remember you're not responsible for her. We can't take on the responsibility of another person's happiness no matter how much we love them.
I really think you should try and put a bit of distance between you and this issue between your parents. Getting involved will never bring you happiness.
Take care of yourself first and foremost,
Lots of love,
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