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[Brad]

Let's say you have a particular classmate that's constantly on their own (as in, always sitting by themselves, etc) and every time you try to talk to them the conversation either ends really quickly and/or sometimes (unfortunately) becomes awkward...what would you do? How do you open them up?

People may ask me why I care...Well, let's just say that I was once shy and worked really, really hard to overcome it. It would've been nice if someone talked to me but a lot of it was done through hard work and joining clubs (such as Toastmasters) to overcome my fears. The thing is, it's difficult for me to relate because it's been so long since I was in that position. And I'd love nothing more than to talk to more people, especially people that I've always found interesting but never really had the chance to get to know (because of their shyness)

So my questions, in no particular order are:

1) What do you ask a shy person without sounding corny? Asking things like "How's the weather?" or "What do you plan to do after University?" are, in my opinion, not the best openers. Think "high-school" type of questions, things that won't come across as awkward, weird, or both.

#2 is aimed for shy people but anyone's opinion is welcome

2) If you're shy, what do you think would be a legitimate question to ask...what would make you want to come out of your seat and join a group, knowing full well that the group you've been listening to across the class isn't as evil as you may think?

Would you mind it if we asked you to come join us, or would you find it better if I personally came up to you and said "hey, can you help me with something over there?" - Would you budge?

How about if you were asked to see something, like if I said "hey, want to see something cool?" and asked you to come over...would you feel awkward or would you simply go with it...knowing again that *I* am not exactly an evil person that would try to humiliate you? Would you still come over?

3) Lastly, why do you think people are so shy? Why does someone not speak at all, knowing full-well that they're smart and interesting inside?


Thank you all so much for your help and honesty!!

[nanite1018]

Well I'm pretty shy, get uncomfortable around people I don't know oftentimes, etc. I'm not really sure what would make me get out of my shell, but oftentimes if you can hit on something I'm interested in, I can sort of bypass my shyness because I'm comfortable with the topic and interested in it. So maybe ask him what his major is? If you've got it in common or whatever, then that'd be a good place to start.

Really, the only thing that would make me come out of my shell though is if you came up and kept trying, each day. If you sat near them would help too, because I would feel pretty uncomfortable getting up and going to move toward some group. I might get suspicious. So most of your questions would make me pretty uncomfortable I think.

Why are people so shy when "knowing full well that they're smart and interesting inside?" Well, you got it wrong. I don't think other people would find me very interesting or would like me, I'm scared they'll reject me, etc. So yeah, its a fear of rejection and that people won't like me is the major reason I'm so shy.

Trying a number of times to start up a conversation and not rejecting me or making fun of me will make me feel more comfortable. Its a process, it'll take some time. But you'll probably be able to get that guy out of his shell eventually, at least around you.

[Mercury]

Like Nanite basically said, it takes persistence to bring a bashful person out of their shell. Bear in mind too that some people aren't necessarily bashful; they may just be extremely introverted. I am an introverted person myself. I'm just content with my own company and don't really feel like I need other people . . . . .although I do get lonely from time to time. Maybe if you could find something to compliment the shy person about . . . . .most people regardless of how shy will respond favorably to a sincere compliment. This person may actually feel paralyzed with social anxiety so compassion and patience are important. I think it's very kind of you to care about a shy person and to try making them feel like they are a part of things.

[Schlomo]

I think for some it may be near impossible. I know with myself, when I leave the house to go to class or to the store or something I'm trying to make as little contact with people as possible. If I'm forced to talk to people I can usually fake a friendly conversation and I might seem normal but in my head I'm going crazy and can't wait to get out of it. It's not that I don't want to make friends but the anxiety  in talking to a stranger and the fear of making myself look stupid are so high, especially if I'm not with any of my current friends. I almost feel threatened by a strangers attempt at conversation because it's like why are they doing this to me, why are they torturing me. Obviously an irrational thought but my feelings of shyness are not rational.

And in trying so hard not to talk to anybody and not look stupid, I end up looking stupid quite a bit.

I would agree with previous advice that it does take time. With almost all of my friends I can't remember how we first started hanging out or first met really because we inched so slowly from strangers to friends that I never realized it.

Maybe find a common enemy. That usually tends to bring people together. A bad professor, an exam, or even pretend to be shy yourself.

[lonelycavy]

i am pretty well shy and i have a trust issue due to my past. perhaps discuss what was on TV or whose class they are in for english or whatever subject, you could even discuss your lunch. be patient and let them talk on their own terms. i know i like writing and can express myself better in words than face to face.  what were your secrets for getting over your shyness?

[joeone]

most of us are shy in one way or another , my best advice is to keep trying , keep letting this person know that your there as and when they are ready , keep the conversations on a light note , just the odd smile here and there , the good morning how are you thing really works well , i'm sure with time and encouragement from you this person will open up as and when they feel more confortable , good luck and well done

[Brad]

Awesome replies so far!

lonelycavy, on Jan 17 2009, 11:03 AM, said:

what were your secrets for getting over your shyness?

Man...it was so long ago and I probably wouldn't call it a secret, but I can remember hearing a story about a famous psychologist who made it his goal to ask 1000 women out...and by the time he did that he no longer had any fear in approaching women, that he could now do it to any women at the drop of a hat.

So I made it a goal to raise my hand at least once in every class, and to talk to the person next to me. At first this felt impossible because every time I said something I felt like I was making a fool of myself, but within a month or so I saw that more people started approaching me, no one thought I was dumb, and it sort of rolled from there.

In the end it's the experience that helps, not just reading about it. Visualization also helped too, like if I knew what the teacher would talk about next class I'd prepare some questions (regardless whether I knew the answer or not) and I would ask them...first I did it in my head and then I did it in class.

[simoriah27]

I'm fairly shy - mostly because I worry that people won't like me once they get to know me, and I agree with what pretty much everthing that the others have said.  

One other thing I will add is that for me - a situation where I'm in a group of people I don't know is absolutely terrifying.  I'm usually fine to talk to one person even two, but as soon as there are more than that - I just clam up, particularly if there's someone very extroverted around.  

So maybe it's worth trying to chat one-on-one and once they're comfortable with you, then invite them into the group.

[hellogoodbye]

don't get me wrong but belive it or not I am a really shy person but its not that we shy people are strange you just need to talk normally for example if you say that you too are classmates you should find a subject or  ask him/her to help you with something smile alot make that person feel comfortable in your presence

Edited by lindahurt, 18 September 2011 - 09:06 PM.