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I Wish I Had The Courage To **** Myself.....i Want To So Bad..


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6 replies to this topic

#1 JDM_Cavi

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Posted 31 December 2008 - 06:09 PM

It's been a while since i've posted here, but i just really need to vent.

Last time i posted here i was single and had not much money and was very unhappy.

now i have a beautiful, loving girlfriend who makes me feel special and treats me good, but i still think CONSTANTLY about ending my life....I want to so bad, but i simply cannot find the courage.

Why do i want to do this??? because i cannot deal with the pressures of modern life. I hate people in general, and i am simply terrified that my girlfriend is going to cheat on me, which, if that happens, that will be all the motivation i need to **** myself. I get so jealous when she talks to other guys that i just want to pound their face in with a brick.

But in addition to the girlfriend issue, i want to die because i am a complete and utter failure. I couldn't stand college, so im stuck working at a dead-end job that can hardly pay the few bills i have, let alone support a girlfriend who is, i dare say, somewhat high-maintenance. I am never gonna succeed at anything in my life....

All i can think about is my death. I want it to come now....i just wish i had the courage to do it. I think, i hope, that one day, something will happen that will finally push me over the edge and give me the courage i need

I just wish i could disappear without a trace.

I would go to a doctor and get help, but i dont have money for meds, and my insurance covers basically nothing. I need a pill that turns me into an emotionless zombie.

#2 nanite1018

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Posted 31 December 2008 - 07:47 PM

Don't **** yourself, its not going to solve your problems. One day things will be better, and you'll be happy again. But if you **** yourself you'll miss out on it. I think you definitely need to look into free or low-cost clinics in your area, there probably are some. Some sort of counseling should help at least a little, even if you aren't able to afford any medication. Also, definitely look into calling a help-line. Your girlfriend and family and friends would miss you terribly if you killed yourself. I hope that you feel better, and no matter what happens, don't get the "courage" to commit suicide. That isn't courage, its the ultimate form of cowardice.
Its better to light one small candle, than to curse the darkness. --Confucius

#3 chel

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Posted 31 December 2008 - 09:07 PM

how can you put a price on being happy ? does your girlfriend know how you feel, if she does and loves you i think she will agree that you need help and you can get medical help through axis or other problems take care of yourself

#4 Bowtech

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Posted 31 December 2008 - 10:27 PM

Things will get better. You just have to be positive.

As for the pill that turns you into an emotionless zombie- Xanax. I am on it right now, and I can tell you, being a zombie is not problem free.

I have talked to many people who have attempted suicide, and they all had one thing in common. They were glad that they survived. Suicide does not take courage. Suicide is the most selfish thing one can do.

Try 1-800-SUICIDE when you feel like you want to end your life. I know they will help you with your problems.

#5 JDM_Cavi

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Posted 01 January 2009 - 12:48 AM

Don't **** yourself, its not going to solve your problems. One day things will be better, and you'll be happy again. But if you **** yourself you'll miss out on it. Your girlfriend and family and friends would miss you terribly if you killed yourself. I hope that you feel better, and no matter what happens, don't get the "courage" to commit suicide. That isn't courage, its the ultimate form of cowardice.


Thank you for the advice :hearts:

However, ive thought about what i would be missing, and to be perfectly honest, i dont mind. Im perfectly fine with giving everything up, because i believe that in death, i will no longer be conscious of what ive missed...
I am also perfectly fine with being a coward; i've taken the easy way out of everything my whole life, so its not like im not a coward. I just dont have the detemination to press on....

#6 nanite1018

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Posted 01 January 2009 - 01:05 AM

Well you might be okay with missing out on possible future happiness, and you are right that after you're dead you won't be conscious so you won't be able to tell what you've missed. And being a coward might not be a problem for you (I'm a coward too most of the time). But I know that people would miss you, you have something to offer them, you aren't worthless even if you think you are (as I often do). Its okay to think about suicide, I do too sometimes. But just don't do it. Seek help, it would be a terrible loss if you should end your life.
Its better to light one small candle, than to curse the darkness. --Confucius

#7 SecretMist

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Posted 01 January 2009 - 08:06 AM

hi jd, first off let me say that i understand exactly how you feel. i have been there and might i say more then once. however i am glad that i am still alive. you do have courage dear but not the kind that you want. you have the most important courage that is needed. the courage to stay alive, the courage to come here and talk about your fears and feelings. medication does help but i didn't like being like a zombie however everybody needs something more to help them through the hardest of times. like i saw in a few of the other replies there are free clinics and for those who can not afford meds the clinics normally have alot of free sample that they give out and i don't mean just a weeks sample but for as long as you need them. it is from the drug companies that give out the meds in a way of promoting their meds plus the fact that they know there are people like you and i that can't afford what we need. i hope you are able to talk to your girl friend or a friend or family about how you feel. it sounds to me right now that you may want to call the suicide hot line and talk with someone who can better direct you in to right direction as far as getting help or even make a trip to the er to where they also have plans that help people who can't afford there bills from the hosp because they can write them off. a social worker at the hosp can also direct you in the right direction for getting you the right help that you are needing. just remember that you do have courage and that is to stay alive. i hope that you will keep posting how you are feeling and that you get the help that you deserve in staying alive so that you can find that happiness because in the long run it would be worth it. we all have our back slides and still need help every now and then and it is that courage that lets us reach out for help in keeping that courage alive. take care of you and try to talk with someone that can help you and keep posting here if you feel like it because it does help to release some of those emotions.

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