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This Loneliness Is Literally Killing Me!!!


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#1 onedayihope

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Posted 13 November 2008 - 11:30 PM

i don't even know where to begin on this one other than to say i am in excruciating pain with loneliness. i know that all of you have felt loneliness and lack of understanding before so i need to clarify more. when i say i'm lonely it's not only from the depression and feeling of not being able to have a good support system or people understanding but i'm also very alone. i live by myself, do not have any family nearby that i can see, and only have two close friends, both of which are male (i'm female and miss the company of other women). i work from home and currently don't have a car. i feel from the sheer isolation that i'm locked up in solitary confinement. i need people...i need support...i need hugs...i need the mindless chat and fun of just hanging out with someone...i need good friends that can understand this and the yearning for these relationships is indescribable. the loneliness and isolation is so intense it deepens my depression and induces more anxiety and panic feeling so alone.

i know others will say get to counseling, go to support groups, reach out, attend church and believe me these are ALL things i would give the world to be able to do. first and foremost, my depression is so severe right now that while i'm yearning for human contact at the same time either i'm petrified of it from the anxiety or i feel i'm not in a place that i could even communicate and hold relationships with others given that opportunity. the chat rooms and forums are my only solace and don't get me wrong they have been a godsend...it just can't replace real physical human contact, support, love, talking, hugging that we all need. second, having but two friends who do listen and are supportive but work constantly and have their own lives without depression still leaves me feeling isolated, and without a car it is very difficult in my area (i'm not in the city of chicago) to attend and get out to places i'd like to, let alone there are not many support groups in my area if i could easier.

so in the meantime the forums again are where i can find some peace and in the meantime wonder if anyone has felt this so severely? i know it contributes alot to my depression...feeling like i'm just waiting to die sometimes...locked in a hospice mentally or a jail cell 24/7 in confinement with no one to reach out to. even those of you who feel very lonely i've read about seem to have atleast several acquaintances, a family, good friends, a boyfriend/girlfriend to confide in and i envy that even so, craving just have some contact with others as i know it would be helpful to me. i feel stuck in a vicious cycle with this and yes i know i need to reach out that no one will just appear and again i'm not opposed to that at all...i wish i had the real me back so i could be more social again and also have more physical capability to reach out and attend groups, church etc. it's a double edge sword on both hands while i continue to feel like i'm rotting away alone....
And God shall wipe away all tears from their eyes; and there shall be no more death, neither sorrow, nor crying, neither shall there be any more pain: for all the former things are passed away.
Revelation 21:4



Without your mind you have nothing...

#2 DarkRain

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Posted 13 November 2008 - 11:42 PM

:hearts: :hearts: I've had similar feelings before though not as severe. I would like to reach out to someone, but at the same time I'd rather not have anyone nearby. You're not alone. :flowers:
"There is some good in this world Mr. Frodo and it's worth fighting for."

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#3 susiesue08

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Posted 14 November 2008 - 12:09 AM

onedayihope :hearts: I understand all too well. My situation at the moment sound so much like yours it's scary. I understand how badly the lonliness is & it's so hard to get out there when we're feeling so awful. It's hard enough when we're feeling good.

Maybe you should try seeing a counselor? I've made that step recently & it has at least given me some hope.

Good luck

S

#4 Sheepwoman

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Posted 14 November 2008 - 01:07 PM

I can totally relate to your loneliness and isolation. I wasn't allowed to drive for several years. My neighbor drove me to the store, tdoc appts. and to the bus. I'm 3 miles from the closest busstop and live basically in the boonies. Is there public transportation nearby? Due to my geographc location, I don't see my friends very often. My sis moved in with me 1.5 years ago as a part-time caretaker for me. I hardly see her as she's gone from 4:30AM until 7:30PM with her job. My tdoc encourages me to stay with the forum to prevent total isolation.

Like you, I like to be around people IRL. My closest friends moved 500 miles away and come into town once a year over the holidays.
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#5 Gato

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Posted 14 November 2008 - 01:27 PM

Hi,
I can relate to loneliness as far as my working place is considered, which is definetely less serious. However, I spend 60 hours a week working, that is alone.
Thatīs what got me here.
Best Wishes.

#6 lunardance

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Posted 14 November 2008 - 02:13 PM

Yes, I can relate. I have a limited number of friends who are SUPER busy with their lives and I am not working and have LOTS of time on my hands so this amplifies the boredom and depression. I have thought of joining a support group but I also do not have a car and I have Parkinson's disease so walking to the bus stop is not on the menu. I try to distract myself by reading, working out a little and writing....TV usually bores me sensleess. The bad thing about distracting yourself is you KNOW you're distacting yourself instead of really doing it for enjoyment and then the game is up and the depression comes roaring in again. Do you have any creative interests?? writing, drawing, playing an instrument?? Being creative is nice but it doesn't replace good old human contact, which we ALL need. I rack my brains for a solution to this problem all the time. There is a quote from a favorite book of mine, "Grendel" by John Gardner, that relates. "Tedium is the worst pain." I concur. SO huggs to you and just take one minute at a time.

Kevin

#7 susannah

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Posted 15 November 2008 - 09:11 AM

I can really relate, for me the worst part of my depression is my loneliness and how isolated I've become. Today like a lot of other days, I woken up and told myself that today is when I will actually DO something - go out and actually have real life, meaningful human interaction (I've heard such things do happen!) but of course I just can't bring myself to do it - I don't even know where to begin. Having not a single person to encourage me or offer support, I just end up sitting in my room feeling awful.

#8 HarryE

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Posted 15 November 2008 - 09:59 AM

hello,
Everything you have said I related to. I have lost everything in the last eighteen months and I have no car to get out and draw my breath. When my depression got to me, it was a lifeline to get out and be somewhere beautiful.

I know what you mean about needing physical contact and just hanging out and maybe even just being silly for a while. I know talking here in the forum doesn't replace that but that is not what it is for. Some people here are surrounded by family or friends, partners that don't understand how they are feeling and sometimes make them worse.

Depression cloaks you and make everything seem more awful than it is. When that happens we need people who understand more than anything and we need reminding of the things that depression makes us forget. That we will turn the corner, that people do care about us, that our depression is making things seem worse than they are and that we are only ever a few hours away from a big improvement in how we feel. I forget these things every time, I get confused and stop thinking logically. The words of support from people on here have comforted me through a couple of terrible nights as I read over and over the kind words even though I was so deep I was unable to assemble a coherent response to them.

Your problems are real but your depression cannot be trusted. While your feeling like this put your trust in us. We do understand you, care about you and your not alone. Just keep talking.

Harryx

#9 loulou23

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Posted 29 November 2008 - 12:19 PM

I dont want this to sound trite, but I do understand. I live alone too...have no close family around, and no close friends at all. I go 4 days without speaking to anyone.

#10 cakemix

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Posted 29 November 2008 - 01:14 PM

I don't have any human contact until my husband comes home at night. and even then, he falls asleep on the couch anywhere from 1-2 hrs after he gets home. He works so hard. I don't fault him at all.
He is gone from the house 10-12 hours.

All that I time I spend on the computer reading forums or playing games... just mindlessly.

I have no friends to call or to call me... no one to go shopping with... nothing.

Once in a while I will go to a mall and walk around.
I often see other women shopping with their friends, mothers, sisters. I watch them sometimes, they talk and laugh.
I almost always start crying and I go to my car, sit, cry some more then drive home... and I'm so alone.
I keep talk radio on all day long and leave it on when/ if... I leave the house so when I walk in there is some noise.

I do go to the grocery store. I sometimes start a conversation with the checker and many times I feel so embarrassed because I find myself just rattling off nonsense to him/her. It's awful.

Another place I will go to is the cemetery to visit my parents grave. That is a big day out for me.

I do have two cats.. but that doesn't fulfill my need for human contact.

Many days I just wash my face with a washcloth and water... put my (dirty) hair up in a ponytail, wear my sweats for days on end.
I have a ton of makeup that I have bought in the past few years. This gave me something to do.
But I don't wear any of it. It's very rare that I will put makeup on during the day... why.. what for?

I live in my grief and loneliness all day.. then many nights I dream about my grief. I never escape it.

I have been to counselors, been on medications... this doesn't help loneliness and grief. at least not for me.

Edited by cakemix, 29 November 2008 - 01:23 PM.


#11 rainbowgirl

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Posted 29 November 2008 - 03:05 PM

I also can relate. Maybe this will make us less alone? I have distanced myself from my whole family. I have so many unresolved issues and self-hatred that I have chosen the isolation over the insanity. I take medication and see a therapist. My only friend, my husband, is in jail for another 5 years. No one understands; I can't make close friends or strike up a conversation with anyone. I put on a mask by day and go to work, avoiding intimate conversation as best as I can. I live alone and don't feel any purpose for living. I don't know how much longer I can endure this. I pray to God but feel only wrath and punishment for my selfishness and wrong choices in life.
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#12 tracer

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Posted 29 November 2008 - 03:54 PM

You are so fortunate to be in Chicago. check out Recovery inc. Helps a lot. Please check it out!!
tracer

Edited by Trace82, 01 December 2008 - 04:51 AM.
Link Removed As Per TOS


#13 cakemix

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Posted 29 November 2008 - 04:53 PM

I also can relate. Maybe this will make us less alone? I have distanced myself from my whole family. I have so many unresolved issues and self-hatred that I have chosen the isolation over the insanity. I take medication and see a therapist. My only friend, my husband, is in jail for another 5 years. No one understands; I can't make close friends or strike up a conversation with anyone. I put on a mask by day and go to work, avoiding intimate conversation as best as I can. I live alone and don't feel any purpose for living. I don't know how much longer I can endure this. I pray to God but feel only wrath and punishment for my selfishness and wrong choices in life.


Hi rainbowgirl... it's been a long time since we chatted.
It's nice to see a familiar name :)

#14 Archer

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Posted 30 November 2008 - 01:19 AM

I can totally relate to your loneliness and isolation too. I liked your post but i need to tell that i dont have ANY friends. In all my life i wasn't close of having true friends. It amazes me when i see people talking, even here, that they live for their friends, that they have good friends, they hang out, they talk, they go to places, they make fun things. I love to do this but i dont have friends, i never had.

I see my female cousin with a very high number of quality friends, they love her, they are always hanging out, make fun things, i feel like c***.

And what is the difference between me and her, and the fact that i never had any friends?

1- I'm very ugly people avoid me.

2- I dont like pop culture so much (or didn't like it). And i dont fit in any group. I'm too normal and boring

3- I'm lower middle class. People in college always go to clubs and parties. I couldnt afford going (i really couldnt) because they go every weekend, and if you miss 2 weekend in a row, you're finished. People forgets you.

4- And i dont have a car to go to where my "friends" were, or where the parties were. This really ruined have any friendship.

5- So, my cousin has money, car and time. She made friends easily because she was able to go to nice places, make appointments with friends, invite them over.


What to do? I live lonely with my parents, it's hard to find good friends. It's like Seinfeld once said, the group of friends you have that's the one you go for the rest of your live. Well, he said to people with 30 years, i'm 23. I guess i will go till the end with the group of friends i have now which is 0.

Edited by Archer, 30 November 2008 - 01:21 AM.

I know i can win. Please why life is so good to some people and so horrible and difficult to others.. like me?

#15 theguy

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Posted 30 November 2008 - 11:56 AM

Just thought I would add my 2 cents. I often feel alone. I feel as if I don't have any genuine friends who understand my depression. I don't feel they are there enough for me. If I didn't have to go to work during the week I would probably be home all day.
The Guy. - Love is patient, love is kind, love never fails.

#16 vegaa

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Posted 30 November 2008 - 07:32 PM

You described the loneliness I feel almost perfectly. Sometimes I can physically feel the pain of loneliness in my body, especially in my back and shoulders, and I worry about what long-term effects this will have on my body given the correlation between stress and physical ailments.

It wasnít until recently that loneliness started playing a major part in my depression and anxiety. I became aware of the fact that I jumped from relationship to relationship (mostly unhealthy ones) to mask the loneliness I felt from not having any close friends. Since Iíve stopped using relationships as a distraction, the loneliness has become so unbearable and distracting that I canít seem to focus on anything else in my life. I lose patience with myself because I feel like I should have more important things to worry about than simply not having any friends. I also canít help but ridicule myself when I do the simple things that every self-help book recommends like giving someone a compliment to start a conversation, etc. For a lack of better words, I feel like a dork and a social loser/failure. Most of my attempts at socializing with strangers end in complete exhaustion, crying in my car, and going back home feeling worse than when I left.

I sit in coffee shops for hours on end just to not be alone at home. I go through my phone hoping that there will magically be a new contact that I can call to chitchat, laugh, or make plans with. When Iím at home, I watch CNN constantly because the live broadcasts make me feel like there are people around me. *shaking my head*

I get so frustrated with myself because Iím generally not socially awkward, Iím pretty extroverted, and Iíve been told that (gasp!) I can be pretty damned funny. That is, of course, when Iím not wallowing in my own misery. However, I feel like every friendship I make is short-lived or turns into an acquaintance situation. I am so tired of dealing with this and sick of hearing how I should join a insert hobby here group. Sigh. Thanks for letting me vent.

#17 cakemix

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Posted 30 November 2008 - 08:56 PM

I sit in coffee shops for hours on end just to not be alone at home. I go through my phone hoping that there will magically be a new contact that I can call to chitchat, laugh, or make plans with. When Iím at home, I watch CNN constantly because the live broadcasts make me feel like there are people around me. *shaking my head*


Hi vegaa.
I do this too except for me I end up crying because I am alone and I see too many people who are with someone.
I have CNN on also for the EXACT reason you do. I also have talk radio on all day because I have 'people' talking in my house.

#18 vegaa

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Posted 30 November 2008 - 09:51 PM

Hi vegaa.
I do this too except for me I end up crying because I am alone and I see too many people who are with someone.
I have CNN on also for the EXACT reason you do. I also have talk radio on all day because I have 'people' talking in my house.


Yeah, the coffee shop "solution" can be a double-edged sword. You feel better by being around people, but you also feel even lonelier because the majority are sitting with someone else talking, laughing, and doing all those other things non-lonely people do. What's the secret?!?!

#19 dragon baby

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Posted 01 December 2008 - 12:45 AM

I'll admit, i've yet to get quite so lonely thanks to my age, but if you need to talk to someone, have you considered calling someone in your family? maybe talking in person will help a bit. :) maybe you can even convince them to come visit you.
its just a thought
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Dream the dreams that I can't see.
In the darkness of the night,
You see me standing in twilight.~

#20 cakemix

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Posted 01 December 2008 - 09:46 AM

I'll admit, i've yet to get quite so lonely thanks to my age, but if you need to talk to someone, have you considered calling someone in your family? maybe talking in person will help a bit. :) maybe you can even convince them to come visit you.
its just a thought


Hi dragon baby.

For me, I have no family other than my husband and (grown and almost grown) kids.
A few years ago I posted why my sister and I don't talk anymore and why the rest of my extended family and I aren't in contact.

It all had to do with the death of my parents.

If I had someone to call I would. Actually, there are a few people and I have made the first call many times... also the second, third and fourth. And many times, more than not, it has been successful. But the calls are never returned.
They have a lot of people in their lives and don't understand what it's like to not have a soul to talk to days on end.
I could go on about what it's like, what I have done to establish relationships, but the bottom line is people-women my age already have an established group of friends and family and they don't have a need to do more.
Did that make sense?

#21 dontknowhat2do

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Posted 01 December 2008 - 10:55 AM

i don't even know where to begin on this one other than to say i am in excruciating pain with loneliness. i know that all of you have felt loneliness and lack of understanding before so i need to clarify more. when i say i'm lonely it's not only from the depression and feeling of not being able to have a good support system or people understanding but i'm also very alone. i live by myself, do not have any family nearby that i can see, and only have two close friends, both of which are male (i'm female and miss the company of other women). i work from home and currently don't have a car. i feel from the sheer isolation that i'm locked up in solitary confinement. i need people...i need support...i need hugs...i need the mindless chat and fun of just hanging out with someone...i need good friends that can understand this and the yearning for these relationships is indescribable. the loneliness and isolation is so intense it deepens my depression and induces more anxiety and panic feeling so alone.

i know others will say get to counseling, go to support groups, reach out, attend church and believe me these are ALL things i would give the world to be able to do. first and foremost, my depression is so severe right now that while i'm yearning for human contact at the same time either i'm petrified of it from the anxiety or i feel i'm not in a place that i could even communicate and hold relationships with others given that opportunity. the chat rooms and forums are my only solace and don't get me wrong they have been a godsend...it just can't replace real physical human contact, support, love, talking, hugging that we all need. second, having but two friends who do listen and are supportive but work constantly and have their own lives without depression still leaves me feeling isolated, and without a car it is very difficult in my area (i'm not in the city of chicago) to attend and get out to places i'd like to, let alone there are not many support groups in my area if i could easier.

so in the meantime the forums again are where i can find some peace and in the meantime wonder if anyone has felt this so severely? i know it contributes alot to my depression...feeling like i'm just waiting to die sometimes...locked in a hospice mentally or a jail cell 24/7 in confinement with no one to reach out to. even those of you who feel very lonely i've read about seem to have atleast several acquaintances, a family, good friends, a boyfriend/girlfriend to confide in and i envy that even so, craving just have some contact with others as i know it would be helpful to me. i feel stuck in a vicious cycle with this and yes i know i need to reach out that no one will just appear and again i'm not opposed to that at all...i wish i had the real me back so i could be more social again and also have more physical capability to reach out and attend groups, church etc. it's a double edge sword on both hands while i continue to feel like i'm rotting away alone....

Hi..I am going through the same kind of situation. I have struggled through out most of my life with depression. I started back on meds about 9 months ago, just to find out 2 weeks later that I was pregnant. I stopped taking them from that point on. Now I am 8 months pregnant and I have become very depressed, especially in the last week..maybe the holidays, I do not know. But, I am new to this state that I live in, I have my boyfriend and my 10 year old daughter, but I have no friends or family in the entire state. My boyfriend works a lot and when he is around I feel I am pushing him away by crying all the time and I often accuse him of crazy things, and think the worse in every situation. Ineed friends and support, although my boyfriend is supportive when he is not working, and my daughter is as well, I still lack family and girlfriend support. I do not know what to do!

#22 nbarts

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Posted 01 December 2008 - 04:03 PM

I've lived my whole life like that. I feel like if nothing changes I'm going to loose it by the end of this year.



i don't even know where to begin on this one other than to say i am in excruciating pain with loneliness. i know that all of you have felt loneliness and lack of understanding before so i need to clarify more. when i say i'm lonely it's not only from the depression and feeling of not being able to have a good support system or people understanding but i'm also very alone. i live by myself, do not have any family nearby that i can see, and only have two close friends, both of which are male (i'm female and miss the company of other women). i work from home and currently don't have a car. i feel from the sheer isolation that i'm locked up in solitary confinement. i need people...i need support...i need hugs...i need the mindless chat and fun of just hanging out with someone...i need good friends that can understand this and the yearning for these relationships is indescribable. the loneliness and isolation is so intense it deepens my depression and induces more anxiety and panic feeling so alone.

i know others will say get to counseling, go to support groups, reach out, attend church and believe me these are ALL things i would give the world to be able to do. first and foremost, my depression is so severe right now that while i'm yearning for human contact at the same time either i'm petrified of it from the anxiety or i feel i'm not in a place that i could even communicate and hold relationships with others given that opportunity. the chat rooms and forums are my only solace and don't get me wrong they have been a godsend...it just can't replace real physical human contact, support, love, talking, hugging that we all need. second, having but two friends who do listen and are supportive but work constantly and have their own lives without depression still leaves me feeling isolated, and without a car it is very difficult in my area (i'm not in the city of chicago) to attend and get out to places i'd like to, let alone there are not many support groups in my area if i could easier.

so in the meantime the forums again are where i can find some peace and in the meantime wonder if anyone has felt this so severely? i know it contributes alot to my depression...feeling like i'm just waiting to die sometimes...locked in a hospice mentally or a jail cell 24/7 in confinement with no one to reach out to. even those of you who feel very lonely i've read about seem to have atleast several acquaintances, a family, good friends, a boyfriend/girlfriend to confide in and i envy that even so, craving just have some contact with others as i know it would be helpful to me. i feel stuck in a vicious cycle with this and yes i know i need to reach out that no one will just appear and again i'm not opposed to that at all...i wish i had the real me back so i could be more social again and also have more physical capability to reach out and attend groups, church etc. it's a double edge sword on both hands while i continue to feel like i'm rotting away alone....



#23 RupertBear

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Posted 25 September 2012 - 03:37 PM

Hang in there you're not alone. A permanent solution to a temporary problem or situation isn't the answer. You're only 19- and as cliche as it sounds- you do have your entire life ahead of you.
Can you get away, move some place different-even temporarily-to a hostel or shelter?
Talk to the Samaritans- they'll always listen.
And people here will listen and understand what its like to feel totally alone, unwanted, abused, invisible.




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