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My Depression Led To Cheating On My Wife...


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28 replies to this topic

#1 somewhere

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Posted 11 August 2008 - 09:10 AM

I am Really having a hard time. It is a sad situation, I have everything a man could want, money, health, perfect health, and a loving devoted wife. I am in the process of self destruction and I dont know what to do. I cant stop over thinking. I am on the brink of losing my mind. I have been having horrible thoughts for four months now.
I thought this pain would go away.....ITS NOT!
I feel so sad and broken. My chest hurts from a unknown pressure.
I dont know what to do.

#2 psychocandy

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Posted 11 August 2008 - 09:47 AM

I am Really having a hard time. It is a sad situation, I have everything a man could want, money, health, perfect health, and a loving devoted wife. I am in the process of self destruction and I dont know what to do. I cant stop over thinking. I am on the brink of losing my mind. I have been having horrible thoughts for four months now.
I thought this pain would go away.....ITS NOT!
I feel so sad and broken. My chest hurts from a unknown pressure.
I dont know what to do.


So were you like this before you cheated?

Are you still with your wife or has she left? Is there no chance you can sort it out?
"Every day when I wake up I thank the Lord I'm Welsh" - Catatonia

#3 gentle sun

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Posted 11 August 2008 - 10:55 AM

Maybe you should think about talking this over with a therapist? Sounds like you need to talk to someone who can help you learn what is bothering you deep down. It wouldnt hurt. Cheating on your wife isnt going to make things better, just worse and more complicated and give you more anxiety. There is something more bothering you that you are trying to fix with a bandaid.

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#4 Dante 2599

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Posted 11 August 2008 - 11:08 AM

I am Really having a hard time. It is a sad situation, I have everything a man could want, money, health, perfect health, and a loving devoted wife. I am in the process of self destruction and I dont know what to do. I cant stop over thinking. I am on the brink of losing my mind. I have been having horrible thoughts for four months now.
I thought this pain would go away.....ITS NOT!
I feel so sad and broken. My chest hurts from a unknown pressure.
I dont know what to do.


Hi somewhere,

I agree that therapy is probably what you need right now. It would to get what is bothering you out.

Please take care of yourself, and keep us posted.

Dante~
Just as despair can come to one only from other human beings, hope, too, can be given to one only by other human beings.
- Elie Weisel

#5 Guest_friendlyone_*

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Posted 11 August 2008 - 04:03 PM

Hi Somewhere,

Can you describe what you mean by overthinking? What about?

The title of your post mentions cheating on your wife as a result of your depression but you don't mention it at all in the actual post. Why is that?

Best

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#6 somewhere

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Posted 12 August 2008 - 05:52 AM

Hi Somewhere,

Can you describe what you mean by overthinking? What about?

The title of your post mentions cheating on your wife as a result of your depression but you don't mention it at all in the actual post. Why is that?

Best

Friendly


I have been living my life for awhile faking my happines. Then around six months ago I met a female at the gym. She and I developed a quick and secret romance. I thought I wanted to be with her and the reason for my sadness was my current wife. Well it wasnt. My wife is wonderful. Her and I are working things out. Unfortunitly I cant sleep. All I do is think over and over about the person I cheated with. I wonder what she is doing, what kind of life I would have with her If I chose to stay with her. I have obsesed about her so much for the past few months. I feel more and more pain. Its like I m having a constant agrument in my brain about what I want or need in life.

#7 Lizzy

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Posted 12 August 2008 - 07:45 AM

Depression did NOT make you cheat on your wife! YOU made the decision. You could have walked away. Distanced yourself from the new lady. However, when someone takes time to listen to our woes, to take time out for 'us', it's easy to get lulled into a sexual situation. To feel special - we all need that. To feel someone understands - that helps us through each day.

Is your wife aware that you cheated?
Lizzy
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#8 somewhere

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Posted 12 August 2008 - 08:26 AM

Depression did NOT make you cheat on your wife! YOU made the decision. You could have walked away. Distanced yourself from the new lady. However, when someone takes time to listen to our woes, to take time out for 'us', it's easy to get lulled into a sexual situation. To feel special - we all need that. To feel someone understands - that helps us through each day.

Is your wife aware that you cheated?



My wife is aware I cheated. I told her as soon as it happend. I have distanced myself from this person. But now I find myself falling into a deep depression with racing thoughts. Its unbearable.

#9 Guest_friendlyone_*

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Posted 12 August 2008 - 07:35 PM

Hi Somewhere,

This "overthinking" I suspect is a US term which doesn't really mean much other than thinking about one topic constantly. Which occurs with depression. But also occurs for any "healthy" person in a situation like you are in.

You say you have everything you want including a wonderful wife. Yet you have been faking happiness for some time. Which should tell you that you DON'T have everything you want.

You clearly want something else, at the moment this other woman. Have you considered that the brevity of that relationship would not allow you to exhaust your needs or desires in that direction, thus making it seem better than it would be? You know, the grass is always greener, until you get there.

It really just sounds like you weren't "happy" which I read as bored rather than unhappy. An opportunity came along, lust wise, and you took it.

Now you feel guilt and desire.

It's really just a matter of you making a decision. Do you want this other woman or not? To try and have both should destroy your peace of mind as it's deceit on a gross level isn't it? You say you told your wife but I bet you don't tell her how much you think about this other woman. Of course there's always the possibility this other lady doesn't actually want to be with you long term. She may have just wanted a fling.

You are being unfair to your wife and the other woman. Make a decision and live with it for your own piece of mind as well as the ladies concerned.

What you describe is not depression at all. If you do have it or had it before you haven't described it in these posts.

Best

Friendly

#10 zmarie

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Posted 13 August 2008 - 02:24 AM

Welcome!

Your wife may be wonderful and you might still not want to stay with her. But it sounds like you're pretty convinced that's not it?

What part of your happiness were you faking the most before? Do you know?

Whether it's depression, anxiety or life crisis, therapy or counseling can help you all the same. The right one will help you get somewhere with those ruminations on what you want.

I cant stop over thinking. I am on the brink of losing my mind. I have been having horrible thoughts for four months now.
I thought this pain would go away.....ITS NOT!
I feel so sad and broken. My chest hurts from a unknown pressure.


Get yourself some help! Keep us posted how it goes.

#11 somewhere

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Posted 13 August 2008 - 07:38 AM

Welcome!

Your wife may be wonderful and you might still not want to stay with her. But it sounds like you're pretty convinced that's not it?

What part of your happiness were you faking the most before? Do you know?

Whether it's depression, anxiety or life crisis, therapy or counseling can help you all the same. The right one will help you get somewhere with those ruminations on what you want.

I cant stop over thinking. I am on the brink of losing my mind. I have been having horrible thoughts for four months now.
I thought this pain would go away.....ITS NOT!
I feel so sad and broken. My chest hurts from a unknown pressure.


Get yourself some help! Keep us posted how it goes.

I find myself crying everyday. I cant function at work and I am sick to my stomach when IM home. I have suicidal fantasies wich are just fantasies at the moment. I have an apoinment with a theropist today. Its a start I guess. I dont know what to do ... Im on the verge of a divorce.

#12 gentle sun

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Posted 13 August 2008 - 07:46 AM

You are doing the right thing, Somewhere, getting an appt with a therapist. A good step in the right direction!!! Good Luck!!!

GS

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#13 Trace

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Posted 13 August 2008 - 08:21 AM

It sounds like guilt is really doing a number on you. If you research statistics, you will see that many affairs don't last and that it is taste of something new, that will eventually wear off. It may help to try and bring something new into your marriage, like actually going for dates with your wife, or adding something exciting. I am glad that you have an appointment with the therapist, you can work through the guilt, you can get over this and with therapy you and your wife can start again.

Trace
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#14 DustyRoad

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Posted 13 August 2008 - 08:42 AM

I find myself crying everyday. I cant function at work and I am sick to my stomach when IM home. I have suicidal fantasies wich are just fantasies at the moment. I have an apoinment with a theropist today. Its a start I guess. I dont know what to do ... Im on the verge of a divorce.


Are you dx with any MI. Having such a moment could be a related "risk taking event" as in BP or hypomanic mental states. It is a common sypmtom.
Many people have ruined thier lives with such uncontrolled urges. Yes I would be very careful and seek advise from a Pdoc.
Have you just been feeling this depression all your life or it it a new developement?
Dusty

Edited by DustyRoad, 13 August 2008 - 08:46 AM.

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#15 zmarie

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Posted 13 August 2008 - 02:13 PM

So glad to hear you are getting help for yourself. No one can know what you need to do about your marriage and your life except for you, deep down, under all the confusion and guilt and unhappiness. The only 100% unacceptable solution here is suicide, or staying suicidal.
I think everyone here is pretty convinced that going back to the woman you had the affair with won't do it for you longterm - and we can't know that, but that is the more common scenario.
But you don't need to be with anyone else to change your life.

Edited by zmarie, 13 August 2008 - 02:14 PM.


#16 somewhere

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Posted 14 August 2008 - 01:59 PM

So glad to hear you are getting help for yourself. No one can know what you need to do about your marriage and your life except for you, deep down, under all the confusion and guilt and unhappiness. The only 100% unacceptable solution here is suicide, or staying suicidal.
I think everyone here is pretty convinced that going back to the woman you had the affair with won't do it for you longterm - and we can't know that, but that is the more common scenario.
But you don't need to be with anyone else to change your life.



I am left with a choice my wife who is wonderful or the other woman who aslo great just more my type I think. IM so confused. I saw the therapist with my wife yesterday. She thinks I should move out. I dont know what to do. Im really losing it. Iam at the lowest I have ever been. I have an appoinment with a Psyc Doc. Maybe he can give me some meds. I need something. I cant feel this way anymore.

#17 zmarie

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Posted 14 August 2008 - 02:25 PM

I'm sure if you're feeling this awful, medications will help you get through this hard time. Ask for a referral to a therapist or counselor, too, though, since this seems to be more about your situation than your brain chemistry (not that they aren't closely connected.)

You don't think you should just be by yourself for awhile to figure things out? You don't need anyone else. I know you want them both, but with this drama ******* you, wouldn't you be better off without either? This is all about you, you know... And you have the answer in you.

#18 somewhere

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Posted 14 August 2008 - 05:10 PM

I'm sure if you're feeling this awful, medications will help you get through this hard time. Ask for a referral to a therapist or counselor, too, though, since this seems to be more about your situation than your brain chemistry (not that they aren't closely connected.)

You don't think you should just be by yourself for awhile to figure things out? You don't need anyone else. I know you want them both, but with this drama ******* you, wouldn't you be better off without either? This is all about you, you know... And you have the answer in you.


I spent the day crying. I cant seem to function. This is HORRIBLE. I think what ever I choose will be the biggest mistake in my life.

#19 zmarie

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Posted 14 August 2008 - 06:06 PM

I can understand you, it's a terrible position to be in. When do you know if you love the person you love enough, in the right way, to stay with them? If you are unhappy and restless, when do you know how much is you and how much is the relationship? I have been struggling with this for almost a year now in my relationship and I've gotten nowhere yet. And on top of it, this (I believe, sociobiologically speaking absurd) notion that every marriage should last a lifetime, that adds to the guilt and confusion.

But in the past I found, the answer is always there in us waiting for us to be ready to see/admit to it.

#20 Kell

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Posted 14 August 2008 - 06:26 PM

My husbands 'indescretions' led to my being depressed.

The statistics are very low for people who get together because of their infidelities. She seems perfect now, but will she in 3 months? 6 months? One year?
Oh right... statistics show your relationship with the new woman won't last as long as a year.

If you have distanced yourself from this new woman, I would suggest staying that way. Give your married relationship all you can before you walk away. IMHO... You owe your wife at least that.
Fall seven times; stand up eight.
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#21 zmarie

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Posted 14 August 2008 - 06:42 PM

You certainly owe it to yourself to make sure you are doing it for the right reasons if you leave her. And I think, you owe yourself and your wife to make sure you stay with her for the right reasons, if you do.
What might happen with the other woman shouldn't be a big factor, because you just can't know that. How would you feel without your wife, being divorced and single?

#22 ate2five

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Posted 19 August 2008 - 03:42 PM

I realize every case is different, but from experience I had to jump on this one....IMHO, leave the other woman alone - stick with your wife and make it the best it can be. You'll never regret it.
The tragedy of life is what dies inside a man while he still lives.

#23 DustyRoad

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Posted 19 August 2008 - 05:53 PM

I am left with a choice my wife who is wonderful or the other woman who aslo great just more my type I think. IM so confused. I saw the therapist with my wife yesterday. She thinks I should move out. I dont know what to do. Im really losing it. Iam at the lowest I have ever been. I have an appoinment with a Psyc Doc. Maybe he can give me some meds. I need something. I cant feel this way anymore.


I do have trouble that you are seeing a real therapist. One of the benchmarks of dealing with depression is that

"NO MAJOR DECISIONS SHOULD BE MADE".

You at your lowest point are getting bad advice.

Dusty
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#24 psychocandy

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Posted 20 August 2008 - 04:59 AM

I am left with a choice my wife who is wonderful or the other woman who aslo great just more my type I think. IM so confused. I saw the therapist with my wife yesterday. She thinks I should move out. I dont know what to do. Im really losing it. Iam at the lowest I have ever been. I have an appoinment with a Psyc Doc. Maybe he can give me some meds. I need something. I cant feel this way anymore.


I do have trouble that you are seeing a real therapist. One of the benchmarks of dealing with depression is that

"NO MAJOR DECISIONS SHOULD BE MADE".

You at your lowest point are getting bad advice.

Dusty


Dusty,

Great advice !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
"Every day when I wake up I thank the Lord I'm Welsh" - Catatonia

#25 sickjitz

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Posted 17 October 2008 - 08:34 PM

I am Really having a hard time. It is a sad situation, I have everything a man could want, money, health, perfect health, and a loving devoted wife. I am in the process of self destruction and I dont know what to do. I cant stop over thinking. I am on the brink of losing my mind. I have been having horrible thoughts for four months now.
I thought this pain would go away.....ITS NOT!
I feel so sad and broken. My chest hurts from a unknown pressure.
I dont know what to do.


I have walked the road of the ronin and it is a lonely one my friend. I have been unfulfilled in my marriage since our first child five years ago. The romance wasnít there any longer. I was no longer the center of attention. I made a decision and it was the wrong decision. I am speaking to you as a man who suffers from depression and promiscuity. In the past I didnít realize they were linked and now having a greater understanding of my affliction I ostracize myself from other women in an effort to avoid further pain to my wife.
It is a hard decision you must make and then a long battle you have to embark a pun to win back your wifeís trust if you indeed want to be a man of your word and honor your vows. This decision must be made in your complete honesty to yourself. Yes the new woman is fun and exciting and at this time she may be all you think about but pause for a second brotha because at one time you and your wife were probably the same way.
She has stood by you and helped you through the hard times as she promised you she would when she said in sickness and in health. She is your muse even at times when you and her donít see eye to eye there is always a bit of truth or compassion in what she has to say. I speak like I know you and your wife because I was in your shoes not too long ago.
Donít make the mistake of taking a low point in your marriage as an excuse to walk away from it in the hopes of finding happiness in the arms of another. It doesnít work like that. Get a support group, ask your wife to be patient, and grow from this experience. Donít abandon love for lust my friend. Donít turn into me!!!

#26 palabravampiress

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Posted 18 October 2008 - 12:00 AM

What does your wife say about all of this?

The way I feel about cheating is that once you break your marriage vows, you owe your spouse the privilege of making the decision about whether to terminate the decision or whether to stick it out. I don't think this is your decision to make. You cheated. Now, she's the one who gets to decide whether or not she can live with that. You don't get to decide whether to stay with her or whether to go off with your new lady friend. If you decide to leave for the person with whom you cheated, that just adds insult to injury. If you decide to stay out of obligation but are constantly second guessing your choice, that sets her up as the resentful woman who won't forgive you. Either way, she loses and the marriage suffers (or crumbles). The only way that I can see for a couple to get past this sort of thing is to first give the injured partner the power to decide something rather than to just be a passive victim of the cheating spouse's whims and then to go through counseling together to see what's left on which to rebuild. You broke her trust. She can't trust you to make decisions for her, so you've got to trust her, now.

Trusting someone else is probably a good idea, anyway. You're obviously not thinking very clearly lately. You're torn and conflicted. You're eaten up with guilt. You're not sure what (or who) you want. You're just beginning therapy. Like others have said, this isn't the time for you to be making major life decisions. For your own sake, then, as well as for the sake of your wife's battered pride, I think you should let this decision be about whether or not she can live with your infidelity, not whether or not you want the tried and true lady or the flavor of the month. Instead of focusing so much on your own conflicted feelings, focus on those of your wife. She's the one who has been hurt the most, here. You already acted on your needs; now, it's time to act on hers.

No matter what happens, I hope you find the help that you need and that the situation is resolved as best as it can be for all parties involved. I'm not trying to be harsh. I just really feel that you shouldn't take this decision on by yourself. Not only are you not in a good place mentally right now, but it's also not entirely your decision to make. Your wife was an equal partner in entering your marriage; you need to make her at least an equal partner in deciding whether or not to continue or abandon it. And if you're really not in a stable place mentally, then maybe you let the most rational of the two of you have the most say.

#27 angsty anthropologist

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Posted 11 November 2008 - 02:17 AM

I think Dusty had the best advice don't make any major decisions like moving out, divorce or otherwise. Just ride out the rough bit see a therapist (maybe a different one). You saw a therapist with your wife - I think you need to see one not about the relationship but the depression sort that out as that will colour any decisions you make and you may make some huge regrettable decisions as a consequence.

I have ****ed up some great relationships on the past through exactly what you have gone through. I have made large life decisions while in a low point and left women who were amazing but I couldn't see that at the time as I couldn't see the value in anything at that point.

Get the dark ugly thoughts under control and get past the depression first, worry about the women issues after. You won't make anything right trying to sort out a relationship after an affair during a major depressive episode.

Take care

#28 wren

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Posted 11 November 2008 - 01:53 PM

Hi Somewhere, I'm sorry that life is full of so much anxiety right now for you. Granted, you made a decision that didn't turn out so well. You've owned up to it. You've told your wife the truth. You're now sick over the situation. It isn't for us in this forum to judge you - or criticize, or tell you you are or are not depressed. Our role here, I think, is to help support you in finding balance - to find enough peace that you can make wise decisions. Support is what we're supposed to be all about here.

My suggestion is to either see the therapist by yourself, or to find another therapist who will see you alone. You have a lot of pent up frustration that needs an outlet. If your doc feels meds would help you through this phase of your life, and if you are not opposed to it, then try that as well.

But as Dusty said, make no life decisions right now. If you want to explain to your wife that you care deeply but are sorry that things are so messed up, I'm sure she'd be grateful to hear it. If you do decide that moving into your own apartment for a while is the way to go - know that it might be a change that would help you gain your composure best - it might allow you to heal yourself - it might allow you the space to know what is real and what is not right now. Do not be afraid of stepping back from both relationships in order to heal yourself. You must put your health first in all of this. Let your wife know that you care deeply for her. Regardless of the ultimate decision that is made when you are well again, do let her know she has value.

I hope you will continue to find medical help. It is a good plan.
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#29 Emma123

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Posted 20 June 2011 - 09:15 AM

Somewhere:
You posted this in 2008, what happened? I want to know because I am in a very very similar situation, I feel like dying every day, so empty, I am separated now from my husband and I keep thinking all the time: What should I do? with whom should I be? this has been going on in my head for 4 years, I took anti depressants for two years, therapy, nothing helps and I know the answer must be inside me, and the guilt kills me every moment of the day, I cant think of anything else but dying.

I am Really having a hard time. It is a sad situation, I have everything a man could want, money, health, perfect health, and a loving devoted wife. I am in the process of self destruction and I dont know what to do. I cant stop over thinking. I am on the brink of losing my mind. I have been having horrible thoughts for four months now.
I thought this pain would go away.....ITS NOT!
I feel so sad and broken. My chest hurts from a unknown pressure.
I dont know what to do.






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