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I Feel So Ugly

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#1 Frances1373


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Posted 16 May 2008 - 11:11 AM

I guess over time, I'll get better at this. I can't really think right now. I need to post why I am here. I can't figure out how to do it. So, please be patient with me.

I said before, I have problems with depression and anxiety. I haven't been clinically diagnosed but, I believe I have some issues with agoraphobia too. That's my problem today.

I drove to my husbands workplace to drop off something he had forgotten at home. There was a group of coworkers standing around at the front door. I called hubby on the cell phone to let him know I was there and waited in the car. I had the windows open. When hubby came out, someone said loudly "... your husband's here." I asked hubby what was meant by that and he said "it's because everyone knows who wears the pants in the family." I commented that it wasn't a very femamine comment about me. Hubby told me not to let it ruin my day. He told me he loved me and walked away. (he usually kisses me goodbye)

As I drove away, I started crying. I realized that I'm not viewed in a positive way at my husband's coworkers. I'm ugly. I don't look like a woman. I look like a man to them. I must look like a monster. I know that I'm ugly. Lately, I've been dressing up more and choosing better fitting clothes. I've been hiding in large dark clothes for the last four years. Yesterday, my husband commented how nice I looked. I thought I was making some headway. I was beginning to think that one day I'd be pretty enough and he'd want to show me off. It doesn't seem like there's any hope of that ever happening. I'm ugly. I shame my husband. That's why he couldn't kiss me goodbye. He's kissed me goodbye in front of his coworkers before.

I totally gave up. When I got home, I threw out my make up I recently bought. I didn't see any point in making myself look even more like a clown. I gave my new hair curlers to my daughter. I took out the earrings I bought on a whim yesterday. I thought they looked nice. My next step is to cut up those stupid clothes I bought. I don't see the point in dressing up at all when I have no plans to leave my room. It took me years to get the courage to go outside for something other than work. I never should have left.

I'm embarassed. I was actually happy yesterday. I was proud of myself for actually caring about how I presented myself to the world. Now I know. I'm a fool. I bring shame to my husband because I'm the butt of the office "ugly wife jokes." The anxiety is making me so sick. I can't stop shaking. I can't stop crying.

I was supposed to take the kids to the cultural organization, I volunteer for. They were having their spring cleaning. I can't seem to get it together. My confidence has been totally shot down the drain. I look like a man to my husbands coworkers. They laugh at me. I can't get it out of my head. I've been working on this post forever. I can't get it out of my head that I'm probably the office joke. They must feel sorry for my husband for having to come home to the hideous creature every night.

We have only one car. I have to pick him up when he's done work. I feel chest pain just thinking about having to drive up and face all that laughter. "Here's blah blah's husband er wife.... what is it?" "I feel sorry for blah blah having THAT as a spouse." What are they going to laugh at me about next time? I can't face it. I really can't face it. I shame him.

I'm so down and depressed about what they said about me. I can't get it out of my head. I feel so stupid. I feel so sick. I wish I could just walk around with a paper bag to cover my head. I wish I could just become invisible

#2 dez



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Posted 16 May 2008 - 09:25 PM

I'm so down and depressed about what they said about me. I can't get it out of my head. I feel so stupid. I feel so sick. I wish I could just walk around with a paper bag to cover my head. I wish I could just become invisible

I don't think they meant it the way you took it, I hope they didn't. usually when someone refers to who wears to pants in the family...they mean who is in charge, I don't think they were talking about your looks.
Your husband obviously loves you as you mentioned he usually gives you a kiss, and he also told you how nice you looked. I am at the point in life that i don't care what people think of me. i also volunteer and i am on various boards, and I also run a wildlife rehabilitation centre, i am usually wearing sweats and covered in god knows what mess at any given time of the day from feeding wildlife and cleaning cages etc.... i knwo i am a good person, and people that know me also know who i am as a person...anyone that judges you by your looks isn't worth knowing anyway as they are shallow and judgemental.
the reason most of us are on this forum is because we have some kind of issue we are trying to deal with and negative people probably aren't going to help us in any way reach our goals of getting better. So just know you are better than them, and as long as your husband is happy and likes it when you dress up and actually notices when you are looking nice and comments on that....what does it matter what anyone else thinks? because you and your family are the first and foremost, not immature strangers.
Please do not cut up your clothes or throw out your make up, they make you feel good, and obviously it is noticeable that you are feeling good as others notice and tell you how nice you look.
i hope this helps in some small way.

#3 Burgy


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Posted 17 May 2008 - 12:35 PM

I'm so sorry you feel this way, (((((((Frances))))))). Depression has a way of destroying our self-esteem and making us feel hideous, in many different ways. Some people feel useless, some feel ugly, some feel evil. I've had my fair share of those feelings, and it can be a living hell. Please try to remember that your depression is skewing your self-image, and your perception of others, too. The comment you heard may very well have been a compliment to your strength, as your husband said. Even if it was intended as some kind of joke, please try to let it go. There will always be some :hearts: out there who will push your buttons. Thanks for opening up to us. I know how hard it is to talk about these kinds of feelings. :flowers:
Posted Image We are what we think. All that we are arises with our thoughts. With our thoughts, we make the world. ~Buddha

#4 Daisho


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Posted 17 May 2008 - 03:52 PM

Depression can make us takes small bits of information, distort them, and create an elaborate fiction. That's exactly what is happening here, and I can see through it because of my own personal experiences.

dez has it right. Joking about the wife being the husband (the one wearing the pants) is a common way of saying that the wife is the one in charge. There's no way in the world that it was meant as an insult to you.

Please continue taking pride in how you present yourself. It can be a great part of your life to give you confidence and happiness.

#5 kaygirl



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Posted 17 May 2008 - 10:09 PM


I couldn't agree more with what the others have said. Just today my friend was over and told me(her dh just lost his job due to a stupid decision) that from now on she will be wearing the pants in their family. Don't worry, I'm the evil wife because my dh didn't go to his brother's bachelor party in Vegas. They all think I wear the pants when really he just didn't want to go and waste his money on that, he would much rather go hunting :) . Ah but they all think I said he couldn't go. Kind of funny because really my dh makes the decisions in our family. Okay, getting way off the point here. Really, your dh probably talks kindly of you at work and does things for you maybe and the guys probably give him a bad time for it. That is pretty typical. You should definitely keep working on yourself! Your dh complimented you!! That is so awesome! Don't give up and don't put too much stock in what a bunch of men at his work say.

I'm not discounting your feelings though, I probably would have felt the same way. :(

"Perhaps your crisis is an opportunity to receive a deeper faith in God and a greater compassion for others, or to witness to those who do not yet believe in Christ." Author Unknown

#6 lostcontrol


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Posted 17 May 2008 - 11:51 PM

Why do I get this feeling that you're actually really pretty, but just think you're ugly?
Don't give a s*** want your husbands coworkers think about you, there lame and obviously have no life. There are always gonna be people like that, unfortunatley, :hearts: so it's best to just deal with it. If it really upsets you though, you need to talk to your husband because he himself can understand the situation and he can talk to his coworkers to stop picking on you!
I ought to stick with you, because there are no others..

#7 Moonlight_Magic


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Posted 18 May 2008 - 04:10 AM

I often feel ugly too. I was bullied at school about my looks, and every time i leave the house, if i see someone looking at me i think they are thinking how ugly i am. Im sorry you're feeling this way too *Hugs for you*

I often dont wear make up etc because i cant always see the point in wearing it.

I agree with others that the comment that was made could have been to do with who was in charge of the relationship. Im so sorry its made you feel so bad about yourself.

I say keep the clothes anyway, especially if you like them, your husband obviously loves you and if he said you looked nice then he liked the clothes etc too.

It doesnt matter what your husbands co-workers think, what matters is what your husband thinks.

Also, beauty really is in the eye of the beholder. My peers at school told me i was ugly, and yet recently someone emailed me to tell me they thought i was 'beautiful'. Personally i dont think im particularly pretty but different people see different things. Where as one person might think im pig ugly, another may think im not ugly at all. Beauty also comes from within, its not just about physical appearance. Everyone has something that is beautiful about them.

Edited by Moonlight_Magic, 18 May 2008 - 04:20 AM.

"Oneday your prince will find you, mine just got lost on the way and was too stubborn to ask for directions!" (annoymous)

All quotes below by me and whomever happened to come up with them before i did (lol):

"Beneath the pessimism that is depression im an eternal optimist, so please don't be fooled by my seeming negativity!" *ahem*

"Finding acceptance from the world around us, begins with finding acceptance of the self".

"You dont have to achieve great things to be a great person!"

"On the road of life im a sunday driver. Im taking the scenic route at a speed im comfortable with. So if you want to overtake me, please feel free, but dont keep beeping your horn at me, its irritating. Thankyou"

#8 IowaGuy



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Posted 18 May 2008 - 04:39 PM

Oh hun your not ugly! Even if those people were making fun of you its they who are ugly! Please don't give up because a group of jerks who don't have low selfesteem issues made a joke at you. I would agree that they probly were not trying to insult you, but even if they were who cares! Your husband loves you! You don't shame him! Just by the fact that he tried to make you feel better I can tell he really admires and loves you! Depression is an ugly beast, don't let it get the best of you! You are wonderful and you should keep reminding yourself of that! You are your husbands wife, and your husband loves you! You are very lucky for that. Don't give up! Keep fighting with us! Keep walking with us, its one day and one step at a time. We can beat this together!

Not alone, Never alone!

"Everyone feels benevolent if nothing happens to be annoying him at the moment."

--C.S. Lewis ~ The Problem of Pain

#9 Frances1373


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Posted 25 May 2008 - 10:25 AM

thank you for the replies. i came here today to post again and i read the replies from my last post. that was nice. i'm thinking with a little more perspective.
my hubby went to his friend's place last night to do some work. It was planned. It was all set up. I was looking forward to spending time with the kids on my own. It was nice. When I was settling into bed, I took the phones to bed with me. I wasn't going to call him in case he was in the middle of something. But, I didn't want to miss his call. I really thought he'd call. I woke up this morning and realized he hadn't called me. The sick sinking feeling in my stomach was sickening. He forgot about me. I wondered why. I was upset that he would forget about me and not call to say goodnight. Then I realized that perhaps I don't deserve a call. I'm ugly. Of course he forgot about me. He couldn't wait to get away from me.

It's difficult for me to approach my husband for more reassurance. I've felt like such a failure. I'm on modified duties at work because I'm awaiting surgery to remove two tumors on my back. I'm not pulling my weight. I feel like a failure as a wife because I feel like a hideous beast. I openly express how I feel about my looks. I'm ugly. My husband has never disagreed. He wont talk about it. He says we go over this again and again. But, he's never disagreed with my self assessment. He doesn't take pictures of me. We've been in a few pictures together and he's looked so uncomfortable. So, is that depression? Was I already depressed and noticed that or when I noticed that did I become depressed?

Do ugly people deserve to be happy? All those times, I laughed and enjoyed my day... was that stupidity on my part? I should act like I'm invisible so I don't repulse anyone and ruin their day. Sometimes, I wish I were invisible. Thinking about how repulsive and disgusting I am is so devestating to me that I get chest pain. Staying in my room is a much more comfortable thought than to wonder and worry if I'm wasting air outside or scaring people away. I'm supposed to pick up my husband from his friends house and I can't even leave my room. They cooked tbone steaks and i wasn't even invited. sure, i was asked to get them. So, where does depression stop and reality begin? Originally, he wanted four steaks for the four guys. Then one of the guys cancelled so, he said the fourth one was for the wife of guy whos place they were working on. But, I was asked to get steaks but I sure wasn't invited or asked to get another steak for myself. Why? Is it because I'm ugly and he doesn't want me to ruin their dinner by being there? If he believed his wife to be pretty then, he would've called to make sure she knows he's thinking about her and loves her. Or is that stupid for me to think?

My husband gets so irritated when I talk about my looks. He never says that he disagrees and thinks I'm pretty. So, what's the reality? Did he "settle" with me? All these questions just explode in my head. The thoughts I hear in my head are "my husband thinks I'm ugly. He would have remembered to call me if I were a pretty wife. He would have called me if he loved me. But ugly people can't expect that! What an *****."

I should have talked to him and asked him to please remember to give me a call sometimes when he's on overnights. I've always called him and asked how the kids were doing. My paranoia notices that he doesn't do that. He doesn't call and ask how the kids are doing. So my paranoid mind assumes that he doesn't like his homelife and wants to be away. He's just waiting for something better to come along and he'll drop me like yesterdays trash. So, what's the truth? What am I supposed to assume? What is my depression preventing me from seeing? I knew everything would have been smooth sailing if I had calmly and polietly asked him to call. I knew when I hit the send button it wouldn't work out. I sent him a text message. I wasn't sure if he was awake or not. I could have called him but, I knew how it would be. With text messaging, I could make a point and he would have no choice but to read it. He doesn't listen to me. He says I'm playing headgames. But he still wont talk about it. I think I'm ugly and he's never disagreed. His workfriend called me a husband and he never disagreed. He's only happy with me if I'm happy but, how do I be happy thinking my husband thinks I'm ugly? it's just too weird.

I have to go now. I'm trying hard to keep perspective but it's real hard. I wish I could just stay in my room. I hate being a hideous beast.

#10 IowaGuy



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Posted 25 May 2008 - 11:31 AM

Frances I am so glad you came back to the forums :hearts: :flowers: :hearts:

Depression holds all of us down in different ways, but one commen way is self degridation. Your husband didnt "settle" for you he loves you and married you. Perhaps couples therapy could be good. I am not married so my advice is little on that. BUT I am depressed and know that I too have the same feelings you do. I often feel ugly and out of place. I cry myself to sleep some nights because I am so distraught with who I am. BUT we have to remember we have an illness and its not our fault. We are not ugly and we are not beasts. Try to start looking at some of the good things in your life. I know its hard, but try to remember your not alone and you will get threw this. Its very good to see you back.

Not alone, Never alone!

IowaGuy :hearts:
"Everyone feels benevolent if nothing happens to be annoying him at the moment."

--C.S. Lewis ~ The Problem of Pain

#11 Frances1373


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Posted 25 May 2008 - 12:35 PM

what's more embarassing but not surprising is, I bought an "intimate article" and wore it while we were intimate. I wanted him to have "fond memories" of me while he was away. It totally backfired. He totally forgot I existed and now he's mad at me. He wont talk to me about it. I feel so stupid for buying it. It was a whim. I'm so embarassed for exposing myself like that. He forgot all about me. Never mind having any memory of me. I was trying to take a step forward. I don't know why I bothered. When I was making my purchase, I was debating and debating. I almost put it back. It was stupid of me. Those lingerie things are for the pretty people. Not me. I don't know who I was trying to kid. I never should have done that. Now I feel like a complete ugly hideous monster creature who had no business going somewhere like that.

#12 ricky59



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Posted 25 May 2008 - 06:20 PM

Frances, I don't know what your husband thinks. I wish I did and could help you. I do know that my wife feels like you do quite often. She feels ugly and fat because she is quite a bit heavier than when we first got married (then again, so am I!) I know in my mind, she is as beautiful as the day we met and I love her dearly. Perhaps your husband just has a hard time telling you. Maybe he doesn't know how to respond to your insecurity. I can tell from your posts that you are a sensitive and caring person. Take confidence in that inner beauty for that is all that truly matters and when it comes out it overshadows whatever physical shortcomings you may feel you have. By the way, even the most physically attractive people in the world often feel ugly and unattractive. Of course, I wouldn't know, I certainly feel like a fat old slob at times...LOL.

Please hang in there and stop beating yourself up so. Let that inner beauty shine and I promise you it will help your outer beauty show as well.

Keep posting and let us know how it's going.
still trying to attain my hearts desire

#13 anaya



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Posted 25 May 2008 - 07:10 PM

hi Frances1373

i can identify with how you feel as i regularly feel ugly and its a big issue for me aswel.i know self loathing , no confidence , no self esteem is part of depression and the depression can actually dis taught the way you see your self in the mirror.its all most like a fog that totally clouds what you see and only you see it.iv never felt pretty and dont think iam at all and always have these inward battles with myself about it.i can see your tormenting and punishing your self with this as i do exactly the same.once i walked down the street and some workmen started to wolf whistle at me and all that kind of thing.it felt nice at first but then i started to think that they where making fun of me because im really ugly.i ended up going home in tears and wouldnt leave the house as i kept thinking how silly i was to believe i was attractive.im sure your not ugly but you sound like you have no self esteem and no confidence.its very hard but your not alone and coming back and talking about it does help see through the fog of depression.

#14 Maggie4713



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Posted 25 May 2008 - 07:30 PM

Did you hubby used to comment when you first told him you were feeling ugly?? Maybe he doesn't try to reassure you now because he knows you don't believe him anyway.

I feel ugly on the inside and feel this is shown on the outside too. My hubby tells me I am beautiful, yeah whatever, I feel like he is telling me what I want to hear and not the truth. I also need his approval which frustrates me, because I don't want to need it.

#15 bluish_green_75


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Posted 21 June 2009 - 03:34 PM

Hi frances, first of all, youíve got a really nice name! then I should say I was amazed with the way you expressed your emotions, not every one can put all of the things on their minds in words like that, I really liked it.

I have the same problem some how, I am used to crying while driving or all the chest and stomach pain, I can say I was living with it day and night. (Now a day I am a bit better)

About the coworkers, let me tell you a bout my ex-gf, everybody thought when I was dating her that she was ugly, they also told me some times that she is some how spoiled and Ö.! But to me she was the girl I had chosen to be with and I loved her with all of my heart, to me she was perfect, when my friends told me she is ugly, I was really sad not because I agreed with them, but because they were criticizing some one I truly loved, that really hurt me, may be it is the same with your husband, he might love you so much that what they said might have hurt him, so he is trying to avoid them telling that again, that might explain why he did not kissed you good bye, it was the same with me and my gf, when ever she started talking and they started making fun of her I became really upset and tried to change the topic not because I agreed with them, but because it was like a torture to listen them talking like that about some one that I loved so much, so I tried to avoid her from my friends to keep my love safe.

Remember if you hesitate in your self then you might give it unconsciously to your husband as well, then you might get even negative feed backs from him, it might work like this:

you want to think that you are ugly,
you unconsciously ask him through your manners about that,
he gets confused since he is all right with the way you are, but you arenít,
then he might began to give negative responses trying to agree with you on the subject since he is clueless, so donít try to make him agree with you on this issue.

What matters is your relations with your husband, if he says you look good in these pants, then he is showing he loves you the way you are, donít try to think negative things, like what coworkers said. as a man, I have always tried to have fun, many times I say many things about people than have no meaning or any previous thoughts, just like a figure of speech, or a common joke between men, like calling some bodies partner sÖ.lÖoÖt on her back after seeing her talking with several guys, where as we definitely respect her and what we say is just a joke for a 5 second laugh, which honestly if the girl hears it(like in your case) we have no defense because the whole idea behind these words is too shallow and mannish!!!!! Just we men sometimes try to say things, so others think we are funny, thatís why men might say what ever comes to their mind when they are together; trying to be funny, just that. So I beg you not to think so deeply about what you heard, even I can remember calling one of my friendsí gf a bisexual just because her voice was a bit rough, even though I truly though she was the most suitable girl for my friend and I respected her in every aspect (even I think I was a bit jealous of him, may be my jealousy made me to say that!).

So there might be many possibilities, good ones and bad ones, but none of the possibilities and absolutely none are worth the love of your husband! Thatís what that should matter to you, trying to have strong logical love with him and avoid other thoughts.

I hope I had said enough,

Thereís nothing in our hearts but your loves,
So donít break your hearts by breaking ours.

#16 kellyjo


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Posted 07 February 2010 - 06:19 PM

Hi Frances,
You sound just like me. Is this feeling "rather new" to you? I am 45 and all of these (exact) feelings that you have are happening to me as I wrtie this. I have felt this way for about the past 18-24 months. How do we know if it is depression or "perimenapause"? The daily coping is pretty unbearable. Home is my only safe haven. Going out in public sucks the life out of me. Like I said it is only a recent feeling. I used to do soooooo many things!!!!!! I do cry daily, i can't wait to go to bed. I can go on and on and on,,,,,,is there hope?

#17 BlackStar791



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Posted 07 February 2010 - 11:07 PM

Don't worry about how you look, atleast you can get a hubby, I haven't had a girld friend in 5 years...

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