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[firelizardee]

welll  I've not been around  much (maybe 3 times) in the past couple of months it feels like.

I've been in almost every emotional state you can imagine: angry, hateful, depressed, suicidal, others anything apart  from happy.

I could say more but its difficult for me to talk about it.  At  one point I was making actual suicidal plans, the how, the where and the when.   Maybe I should talk about the  why.

Why?  I don't like me, at times I am a really  nasty person.  At times I am filled with so much anger  and hostility towards other people.  The crunch came about 4 weeks ago  when I ended up in local supermarket wishing I had a machine gun so I could **** the people around me.  The anger has been building up and up.  

TAlked to my GP about it and he recommended that I go back on the risperidone at least until I could see my psychiatrist 3 weeks later.   Only I didn't take the risperidone.  Some people at the Therapeutic Community I attend didn't like that idea cos 'medicine can mask the emotions'.  But after talking to my pdoc last week I am now back on it.

I can't take the way I've been for the past few months.  Now all I've to do is to remember to take the risperdone.   I'll be on it at a dose to be decided by myself at a level that will mean I can cope better.

The suicidal feels are back and have been back for months.  Therapist at the TC suggests it might have something to do with me coming up for leaving.  Perhaps it is, cos once I leave I may have only a  short time before I'll be expected to return to work.  I've been trying so hard not to take  an overdose whilst I'm at the TC.   Truth is I'm so  confused.  I want to die, I don't want to be alive, yet  little  things  like how I'll cope after the TC and will I get any followup treatment, what followup care do I need?

I don't feel ready  to go back to work and I don't know if I will ever be ready to go back. I'm in 2 minds about that.  Some people keep asking me if going back to my job is a good idea.  They think I may end up ill again if I go back to the same job.

But the suicidal plans are still  there.  I want to ask my Pdoc if he'll attend my funeral, I'm making plans for my funeral.

[Lynn]

((((Eileen))))
Risperdone is a good med that should help with those feelings of anger and wanting to hurt someone and suicidal feelings. If you do not get some relief soon or these feelings get worse while you wait for relief call your pdoc or go straight to the ER. If this has been going on a couple of months you might need some hospitalization while you get stabalized. I was in the hospital for suicdal thoughts and depression 3 weeks in July. I ended up having ECT's done because nothing else worked. I had 7. I am doing MUCH better now.
Please be kind to yourself honey!   :)
Lynnie

[scarletworld]

oh no eileen!  

gosh, i know how bad it is deal with unfocused anger like that. it makes everyday stuff so hard!  the suicidal feelings go without saying  :(

sounds like you were supposed to be leaving the TC and are now feeling freaked about it? if that's the case, then separation anxiety can be tough, esp when you've come to lean on folks emotionally and vice versa. that's doubly hard if these are the 1st people to actually give you that kind of support.

i hope the risperidone works. and like lynnie says, if you need to go to the ER, then don't hesitate.

[firelizardee]

thanks you  two.

I was almost at the stage about 3 weeks ago when I thought about asking to go back on the ward but I got through it.  It was in the minds of the therapists at the TC also.   But I suppose I got 'over' the danger point.

[taffycat]

{{Eileen}}

I'm so sorry that things are so bad with you. Please take care of yourself, please.

Can you take the risperdone again?  I guess that's a stupid question, since you are, but I thought you had some problems with it, and that's why you stopped taking it.

Please use the support system you have, and especially the pdoc.  And post here.  Do whatever you have to, to stay safe.  deb

[firelizardee]

taffycat,
I'm on the risperidone till the pdoc decides which other anti-psychotic to go for.  I had raised prolactin levels with risperidone but should only be on it for a short while, so hopefully I won't get back to that stage.  

I didn't do so well on zyprexa (olanzapine) or seroquel (quetiapine)

[Lindsay]

OOOhhh  ((((((( Ei ))))))))))

I have been so focused on other things around DF, I did not see your new topic in this forum!  I so hope the Risperdone will work well for you this time sweetheart.  You can't go anywhere!
Please, keep talking to us...

Love you

[Deet]

((((((Eileen))))))

I'm sorry I haven't been posting for you.....but I really have been praying for you for many months.  You were the very first person to help me here at the DF and I want you to know that you will always be on my mind, and you will always be loved.  And maybe I shouldn't say this.....hope I don't upset you or anyone else here.....I would go to your funeral, and I would shed real tears.  Please don't make me do that, I'd like my first trip to the UK to be a joyful one!  (Actually, when I finally do get to Scotland, I'll take you out for lunch, okay? Just you & me!!! )
I think all of us here know what it's like to want to die.  Fortunately we also know what it's like to want to live.  Your pdoc has seen alot of what's in your head, and says he doesn't know if you will get back to your old ways.  But we've seen what's in your heart, and even if you want to machine-gun those knobs blocking the peanut-butter aisle at the supermarket, I know that you are a loving, caring person who has given me and countless others so much.  You will get better.  And not just in the 'old' way, but you will have a better life than you ever had.  I think you will beat these terrible feelings, and so will we all.

Well, that's probably enough for one love letter.  Hope the risperdal is kicking in.  I'll check back.

Dan

[firelizardee]

lindsay, cat and especially Dan
thank you.

Dan your words brought a tear to my eyes.  I am always surprised when people say they see me as a caring person.  I suppose I don't see it, I always think that I could do more and I'm aware that I don't 'give' as much as other people do like Cat and Lindsay.   I'm not as 'warm' as  they are.  I am aware that I keep my distance (not surprising since Im in Scotland  :D )

The pdoc has said to continue with risperidone for now, he might change me later to aripiprazole (Abilify).

[Deet]

I always think that I could do more and I'm aware that I don't 'give' as much as other people do like Cat and Lindsay.

If anyone feels like they've loved enough, then they haven't loved at all.