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Gandalf_The_Grey

I'm Getting Really Tired Of Living

39 posts in this topic

Posted

And yet, I have no desire to die either. More or less, I want to go live in a cabin up in the mountains with some books and never deal with anything ever again. I'm just, ******, EXHAUSTED.

First of all, I'm a 22 year old male college student; though my drive has gone down the tubes. I can't even get myself to begin working on my presentation, which is due tomorrow with my group, and is worth 30% of my mark. I just can't deal with anything anymore, I'm too tired of this empty life, tired of being alone and in pain all the time. I feel so guilty because my Mom has spent all this money on my courses and I've failed all but one of them, and I'll fail this one if I don't get that presentation ready. But I'm tired.

I have never in my life had a relationship, never had sex, never even been kissed. I don't know how to get intimate with women, it's hard enough to figure out how to make friends. As is I have only 3 friends and they all live so far away I see them maybe twice a year. More and more the aloneness eats at me, knowing that the world doesn't want me.

I'm in pain all over my body, all the time because of nerve damage in my spine. Before this happened to me 6 years ago, I loved martial arts and being active; now I have to decide if I can handle a 30 minute shopping trip.

I'm addicted to my painkillers, and I HATE them. I'm in so much pain without them, moderate and occasionally severe pain while I'm on them. But when I'm on them they make my head, neck, and jaw feel tense and under pressure; my brain feels like a lead blanket is covering it and I have to carry the extra weight to think. They bind to morphine receptors and give me this pleasurable feeling in my head, yet I don't know how to explain it, but I HATE this feeling. Physically it would be defined as pleasure, but it's a horrible feeling that I wish I could never feel again. You'd have to experience it to understand.

I'm 22 and can't even figure out a way of moving out of my parents house. The only option I had was going to school and moving out on a student loan. I was going to do that for next semester, but now I don't think I could even keep up in school. It's hard enough keeping up in one class right now.

I don't want to try any more, I don't want to keep putting what little energy I have left into a life that never gives something back. I'm going to be alone forever, the world will keep rejecting me because I don't know how to think like social people. Nobody's ever going to love me.

Secrets Lie likes this

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Posted

31 views and not an answer. As I thought, no solution no matter how many people look at the problem.

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Posted (edited)

31 views and not an answer. As I thought, no solution no matter how many people look at the problem.

have you tried fentanyl? You sound like someone with Social anxiety. Thats a mental illness and can be treated. What meds are you on for depression? I too suffer from chronic pain. There are solutions out there to get your pain under control such as fentanyl or a pain pump. If you havent already, I suggest going to a pain clinic. Take care.

Edited by Noca

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Posted

(((Gandalf)))....love the username by the way,

Sorry...sometimes the depression causes my brain to not function up to par...other times it's normal...so sorry it took me a bit to get back to you...

Dealing with chronic pain must be horrible...I'm sure it makes your situation even more difficult. Have you been to a doc for depression? Are you receiving any treatment for depression? If not you might want to consider it.

I wish I had a quick easy answer but I don't. All I can say is get some help and support...DF is a great place for support but you need to maybe talk to your parents and let them know what is going on.

You will get out of your parent's house. The average age for moving out keeps going up. You are not outside the norm..altho I know it's hard..I was with my parents until I was 22 too. Take school slow (1 or 2 classes at a time) if you need to until you get a little stronger.

Like I said, I wish I had an easy solution...I'm still searching for one myself...but I'm around if you need to talk or vent...

:hearts:

BookEater

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Posted

Thanks for your replies Noca and BookEater, it's nice to have somebody to talk to.

have you tried fentanyl? You sound like someone with Social anxiety. Thats a mental illness and can be treated. What meds are you on for depression? I too suffer from chronic pain. There are solutions out there to get your pain under control such as fentanyl or a pain pump. If you havent already, I suggest going to a pain clinic. Take care.

I wouldn't take the jump to fentanyl, I'm only 400mg tramadol right now. There might be controversy over whether tramadol is addictive, but after taking that much for the past year and a half I can safely say the withdrawal is hell. I want to change to oxycontin or something like that, because the CNS stimulant properties of the tramadol make my head/neck/jaw all tense, makes me emotionally tense overal, and it's really not doing the job in keeping my pain at reasonable levels even in conjunction with daily celebrex and lots of acetaminophen. But so far I'm having trouble finding a family doctor, and all the doctors tell me they won't go beyond prescribing tramadol unless it's from my family physician. Even though, proportionally, 400mg tramadol is roughly equivilant to 40mg morphine (the less strong type, don't know which that is).

I would take only one or two courses BookEater, but I have to take a minimum of 3 to qualify for a student loan. And there's no sense going into debt if I fail anyway. I know there's plenty of people my age still living at home, but I have no life, no friends, no relationships and I really think living with my parents isn't helping that. I feel like my life can't begin 'till I move out. I also checked the disability income assistance programs, and they give you only $575 maximum per month! Rent is going to be at least $400, that's impossible to live off of, and even if I could there wouldn't be a single spare penny for any kind of life. Nobody's going to enter into a relationship with somebody who's utterly poor.

Technically I'm not on any meds of treatment for depression. Nortyptiline is the only anti-depressant that can be safely mixed with tramadol actually, and it's about 50 years old and only somewhat effective. The thing is, I don't think chemicals will make me feel better. Tramadol is already prescribed off-label as an anti-depressant when others fail, and it does artificially keep me "up" by inhibiting seratonin re-uptake and increasing it's production. But that "up" feeling it gives me is really superficial, deep down I'm still miserable and it's not because of chemical imbalance, it's from years of living a pointless life being completely alone, in pain, unwanted by anybody. Despite all my efforts there's never any success.

I'm sorry, I know I'm complaining about something that nobody here can provide an answer to. I just don't understand my state of existence any more; I can't think of any reason to live but for some reason I don't want to die. I think going to sleep and never waking up would be preferrable... albeit without all the usual nightmares.

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Posted

I wish I had something encouraging to tell you but I need time to really think about it.

Have you considered seeing a therapist? You came here to talk . Maybe talking to a professional also might help.

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Sorry...sometimes the depression causes my brain to not function up to par...other times it's normal...so sorry it took me a bit to get back to you...

BTW I know very much what that's like. I think I'm finally giving up on writing up this presentation because my brain just can't do it. The neuro-connections just arne't being made, even though normally I'm a very intellectual person.

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Posted

Thanks for your replies Noca and BookEater, it's nice to have somebody to talk to.
have you tried fentanyl? You sound like someone with Social anxiety. Thats a mental illness and can be treated. What meds are you on for depression? I too suffer from chronic pain. There are solutions out there to get your pain under control such as fentanyl or a pain pump. If you havent already, I suggest going to a pain clinic. Take care.

I wouldn't take the jump to fentanyl, I'm only 400mg tramadol right now. There might be controversy over whether tramadol is addictive, but after taking that much for the past year and a half I can safely say the withdrawal is hell. I want to change to oxycontin or something like that, because the CNS stimulant properties of the tramadol make my head/neck/jaw all tense, makes me emotionally tense overal, and it's really not doing the job in keeping my pain at reasonable levels even in conjunction with daily celebrex and lots of acetaminophen. But so far I'm having trouble finding a family doctor, and all the doctors tell me they won't go beyond prescribing tramadol unless it's from my family physician. Even though, proportionally, 400mg tramadol is roughly equivilant to 40mg morphine (the less strong type, don't know which that is).

I would take only one or two courses BookEater, but I have to take a minimum of 3 to qualify for a student loan. And there's no sense going into debt if I fail anyway. I know there's plenty of people my age still living at home, but I have no life, no friends, no relationships and I really think living with my parents isn't helping that. I feel like my life can't begin 'till I move out. I also checked the disability income assistance programs, and they give you only $575 maximum per month! Rent is going to be at least $400, that's impossible to live off of, and even if I could there wouldn't be a single spare penny for any kind of life. Nobody's going to enter into a relationship with somebody who's utterly poor.

Technically I'm not on any meds of treatment for depression. Nortyptiline is the only anti-depressant that can be safely mixed with tramadol actually, and it's about 50 years old and only somewhat effective. The thing is, I don't think chemicals will make me feel better. Tramadol is already prescribed off-label as an anti-depressant when others fail, and it does artificially keep me "up" by inhibiting seratonin re-uptake and increasing it's production. But that "up" feeling it gives me is really superficial, deep down I'm still miserable and it's not because of chemical imbalance, it's from years of living a pointless life being completely alone, in pain, unwanted by anybody. Despite all my efforts there's never any success.

I'm sorry, I know I'm complaining about something that nobody here can provide an answer to. I just don't understand my state of existence any more; I can't think of any reason to live but for some reason I don't want to die. I think going to sleep and never waking up would be preferrable... albeit without all the usual nightmares.

Screw the wimpy tramadol and acetaminophen, thats why your in pain. Ask your doctor for a referal to a pain clinic. There they have doctors who arent pussies who will prescribe you the oxycontin or the drugs you need to get your pain under control. As for mixing tramadol with anti-depressants, I have mixed them with many SSRI's and have had no problem. You dont have to let pain and depression control your life. Take the steps to take back your life.

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Posted

Do you mean mixing tramadol in particular with anti-depressants, or just other opiates? Because tramadol seems to be kind of chemically different, and warns of siezures and death should you mix it with AD's.

There is a pain clinic in town but it's not by referral, it's just in the hospital and you have to sign up for yourself (no referrals are given). Then there's an average 1 1/2 year waiting list; such is the way of this (in many ways) lousy Canadian medical system.

I'm wondering, though, does oxycontin feel different than tramadol? Because I find the feeling of the "tramahigh" (as I call it) really unpleasant, I couldn't handle feeling that 3x stronger!

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Posted

Hello Gandalf and welcome to DF! I'm sorry you find yourself here, but am glad you have. You will find our members so supportive and here to listen when you need them.

Also understand that those of us who come here and are in the pit of depression have a hard time lending a supportive ear, or offering up any words when they think they can not help themselves. I was that way... a reader, and then I recieved help and now the forum can't get me to shut up! :)

I understand your issues with getting school work completed. I'm having the same issue. I have no focus, and some days I have to literally fight for the energy and passion to complete ANYTHING that has to do with school. But I also know what kind of future I want for myself and know that I must continue or I will regret it unbearably later on.

As for the med situation, some times depression can cause cronic pain to become worse. It might be possible you need to treat your depression to aliviate some of your physical pain. There are antidepressants out there that you can take while on other pain perscriptions. I was on Cymbalta, Cyclobezaprine, and Lortab, all at the same time. The AD Cymbalta also has some pain reliever in it. I would suggest talking to your doctor and let them know that you need treatment for depression as well as pain.

I am very sorry about the nerve damage, it must be excruciating. I really hope you can find a solution to this.

At the age of 22 you have so much life ahead of you, and so much to offer the world. You CAN do this. You can beat this depression in the :hearts:, and you can achieve all of your hopes and dreams. There is help out there for people like us, reach out for it... when your at the bottom of the pit, what have you got to lose?

I wish you the best of luck, please keep us posted!

Looking Up :bump:

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Posted

Hey man, I'm sorry for what you have to go through. I don't know if I can help with anything, but I can tell you this:

I had encefalo-myelitis when I was 14, with paralysis, drugged in hospital for months chained to the bed I couldn't do anything but do thinking, wasn't a good idea I've got to tell you. It took me years to recover from it, well I didn't completely recover, but I came close(physically). I'm 25 now & I haven't got a tad better in relationships & I don't have the money problem either any more. The best advice I can give you is to steer your mind somewhere else, because thinking about it 24/7 doesn't help, I know it's not easy when you have constant pain bugging you, but it's possible, you get used to the pain in some sort of way unfortunately, I'm sure you already have if you had it for a long time. Try to find something really interesting(music & movies helped me a lot). As for relationships - I'd try to find some other solution than money, because it's not going to help, the best it can do is to hire a "nurse", but you don't really want that. I'd say talk to a psychologist if you can.

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Oh yea, about the presentation, there is a way to do these tasks, it's not easy but possible. I have had that problem before & after the disease it was more severe. The way I found to come over this problem is braking the whole thing into little parts, you do one little part & take a brake, then do the other, otherwise you'll be looking at it all day long & all you can think about is how you are going to get it done & the way it ends up is that you don't. I do the same thing when I'm at work these days, otherwise I feel like I want to stab myself.

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Hey Gandalf,

We're incredibly similar, except for the nerve damage. I found that I couldn't truly start climbing back up until I hit rock bottom. That is when I stopped having expectations of myself and just started doing whatever I can. Stop worrying about having to succeed in school, moving out and having a relationship. You've gotta take good care of yourself first.

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Posted (edited)

Hi There,

I am new to the site and am not sure if anything I have to say is helpful, but I felt the need to reply to your intial post. I'm sorry that you have so much pain and I know nothing about the medications you may or may not be considering. But I do know about the loneliness you feel, of being tired of living but not wanting death, and the problems with school and homework and the issue of still living with your parents. I feel those same things everyday...and I'm 26 and still at home! You mention wanting to go to a cabin with some books...I think of that constantly! I dream of a cabin in the Swiss mountains where I can be completely alone - something I find a bit ironic because it is the lonliness I want to run away from. I also keep thinking that my life will change when I move...that one day my life will be better and that I just need to hang on until then. I guess the only words of support I can offer is that you are not alone in your feelings. I know that may not sound like much but just reading your post made me feel less alone... Sometimes it helps to know that you are not the only one in the world battling such feelings. It doesn't fix the problem, but it may help to know there are others beside you as you search for answers.

I hope you are feeling better than you did when you first wrote this post.

Edited by pillow

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WOW.... I just e-mailed my professor and told him the absolute truth; that I'm in massive pain and can't do the presentation, not because I physically can't but because I'm mentally exhausted, and to just give me the zero but not dock it from my teammates. To my pleasant surprise, he said don't worry about it! I can't skip the presentation part and just hand in my report, and he said I can have as much time as I need! I'm not gonna abuse that of course, as soon as I can think again I'll get to writing that report up and aim for doing it a week from now when it's due. That was pretty cool of him.

Now I've got a month before next semester, so I'd better get into the psychologist soon.

LookingUp, I haven't heard of Cymbalta and Lortab, but I'm surprised you could take them with cyclobenzaprine considering all the warnings. Personally I only take it at bedtime; I tried mixing it with my painkillers once and I literally passed out. I don't mean like sudden unconciousness, but I was SOOO tired I couldn't stay conscious.

Well, I'm not feeling so utterly hopeless and near-suicidal now, thankfully. Thankyou all so much for the input, I'll be sure to help any and all of you whenever I'm able. I know how it can be, I was here yesterday trying to type some helpful words and gave up, realizing it's nearly impossible to be constructive while really depressed. Tomorrow I'm gonna miss school and go doctor hunting, hopefully get on a different opioid analgesic since tramadol makes me feel like cr*p, and my mom knows a really good pyschologist that worked with my younger brother (who has bad problems with depression, my sister too) so I'll get her to contact him.

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Posted (edited)

Thanks for the reply Pillow, it DOES help! :) Sometimes it is hard to remember that I'm not on one little island, with the whole rest of the world on the other.

Edited by Gandalf_The_Grey

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I just got on and your post caught my eye and my heart. I've lived with chronic pain for over thirty years and I can safely say that most of the pain meds you can get mess with your thoughts so much that I've found that it's better to not take them. Who can life a decent life when their high on some pain med? I used to abuse drugs until this pain disorder set in and it gave me a whole new respect for pain meds.....

Anyhow, ibuprofen and Cymbalta and a dose of Neurontin help me get through the day and some of the work I do is physical and I also have a husband and three children and a good sized house to take care of. I have days where I think I'm going to loose my mine as the pain is severe from pinched nerves and strains, plus the weather really effects my muscles. I know the despair of living in constant pain and only having a couple of days a month where it doesn't seem to bother me. Somehow, after all these years, I just usually ignore it and go on about my business. My current meds are as good as it gets. I've tried muscle relaxers and they make me sicker than a dog. I'm allergic to Codeine. That doesn't leave much in the way of pain meds. As I said, meds only are going to do so much for pain, and there are negative consequences to most pain meds, if you need them longterm and it's not a good solution...

I know a woman who has a pain pump and she does fairly well with that, but said it doesn't do anything for neck pain, so what good is it if your neck hurt? Most of my pain is in my jaw, face, neck shoulders, spine and both legs. How it missed my hips is beyond me, but I'm not complaining. Cymbalta does provide some relief and keeps me from falling totally apart. If you have pain, sooner or later you get to the point where you are probably going to be depressed. I have had nights where I couldn't get comfortable and sleep and days where I hurt so bad all over and couldn't get off the sofa. The thing is, I can't let myself give into this. It's a real battle at times. Stress really messes me up, and it sounds like when you get stressed, you think your world is coming apart and then you get all the negative thoughts rolling. It's a common reaction for us people in pain, so it's just what it is.

I'd look for another doc who deals with pain until I could get into the pain clinic. It's very common for people with chronic pain to be on antidepressants and most of them help. Elavil is a old timer and really put me in a fog when I first started to take it, but if I sleep well at night, it helps to reduce the pain. I didn't stay on it very long, as I wanted to work and I didn't think I'd be able to concentrate on that med.

I hope you start looking into this. It's a number one priority to be taking care of these medical conditions so if you get stressed out, you don't get overwhelmed. No one is going to do this for you, and if you want to be in a relationship, you need to consider the effect you will have on another person if your pain isn't under good control. Having a relationship was the last thing on my mind before I started to see a doc and get mine under control. I was just about out of my mind in misery. It's like living on another planet when the pain gets to that point. I know I went 'out there', a couple of times. I know my anxiety disorder is tied to the pain disorder. It's a real bummer that people don't understand. It doesn't go away and it's with me all the time.

I found with a couple of different therapist ways to relax through deep breathing exercises, visualization and I really am able to find solace in different music. It helps me forget about how difficult it is to function when the pain is at it's highest. It also pays to look into therapy that helps you see things more rationally. I think that was the biggest help. It keeps me from getting stressed out, which just makes me more tense and gets the pain in rare form. Keeping stress at a minimum is really key for me.

I know you have to feel some relief that you don't have to do this project, tomorrow. It helps to let people around you know what you're dealing with. I don't go int detail, but I'll say something to the effect that my knees are bothering me, so if I seem a little slow, that's the reason.

Take care, and know that we all care about you!

Jackie

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WOW.... I just e-mailed my professor and told him the absolute truth; that I'm in massive pain and can't do the presentation, not because I physically can't but because I'm mentally exhausted, and to just give me the zero but not dock it from my teammates. To my pleasant surprise, he said don't worry about it! I can't skip the presentation part and just hand in my report, and he said I can have as much time as I need! I'm not gonna abuse that of course, as soon as I can think again I'll get to writing that report up and aim for doing it a week from now when it's due. That was pretty cool of him.

Now I've got a month before next semester, so I'd better get into the psychologist soon.

LookingUp, I haven't heard of Cymbalta and Lortab, but I'm surprised you could take them with cyclobenzaprine considering all the warnings. Personally I only take it at bedtime; I tried mixing it with my painkillers once and I literally passed out. I don't mean like sudden unconciousness, but I was SOOO tired I couldn't stay conscious.

Well, I'm not feeling so utterly hopeless and near-suicidal now, thankfully. Thankyou all so much for the input, I'll be sure to help any and all of you whenever I'm able. I know how it can be, I was here yesterday trying to type some helpful words and gave up, realizing it's nearly impossible to be constructive while really depressed. Tomorrow I'm gonna miss school and go doctor hunting, hopefully get on a different opioid analgesic since tramadol makes me feel like cr*p, and my mom knows a really good pyschologist that worked with my younger brother (who has bad problems with depression, my sister too) so I'll get her to contact him.

I'm glad you're feeling a little better and that it worked out with your presentation. Who knew teachers could be understanding??..LOL..I'm a teacher...

Sounds like you have a plan now to meet your depression head on...wishing you luck...

And yes the intellectual impairment really hurts as I pride myself on being intelligent (or at least pretending pretty well..lol)...There was a point I couldn't manage to read and as you can imagine, I was miserable...

:hearts:

BookEater

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Posted (edited)

I just got on and your post caught my eye and my heart. I've lived with chronic pain for over thirty years and I can safely say that most of the pain meds you can get mess with your thoughts so much that I've found that it's better to not take them. Who can life a decent life when their high on some pain med? I used to abuse drugs until this pain disorder set in and it gave me a whole new respect for pain meds.....

Anyhow, ibuprofen and Cymbalta and a dose of Neurontin help me get through the day and some of the work I do is physical and I also have a husband and three children and a good sized house to take care of. I have days where I think I'm going to loose my mine as the pain is severe from pinched nerves and strains, plus the weather really effects my muscles. I know the despair of living in constant pain and only having a couple of days a month where it doesn't seem to bother me. Somehow, after all these years, I just usually ignore it and go on about my business. My current meds are as good as it gets. I've tried muscle relaxers and they make me sicker than a dog. I'm allergic to Codeine. That doesn't leave much in the way of pain meds. As I said, meds only are going to do so much for pain, and there are negative consequences to most pain meds, if you need them longterm and it's not a good solution...

I know a woman who has a pain pump and she does fairly well with that, but said it doesn't do anything for neck pain, so what good is it if your neck hurt? Most of my pain is in my jaw, face, neck shoulders, spine and both legs. How it missed my hips is beyond me, but I'm not complaining. Cymbalta does provide some relief and keeps me from falling totally apart. If you have pain, sooner or later you get to the point where you are probably going to be depressed. I have had nights where I couldn't get comfortable and sleep and days where I hurt so bad all over and couldn't get off the sofa. The thing is, I can't let myself give into this. It's a real battle at times. Stress really messes me up, and it sounds like when you get stressed, you think your world is coming apart and then you get all the negative thoughts rolling. It's a common reaction for us people in pain, so it's just what it is.

I'd look for another doc who deals with pain until I could get into the pain clinic. It's very common for people with chronic pain to be on antidepressants and most of them help. Elavil is a old timer and really put me in a fog when I first started to take it, but if I sleep well at night, it helps to reduce the pain. I didn't stay on it very long, as I wanted to work and I didn't think I'd be able to concentrate on that med.

I hope you start looking into this. It's a number one priority to be taking care of these medical conditions so if you get stressed out, you don't get overwhelmed. No one is going to do this for you, and if you want to be in a relationship, you need to consider the effect you will have on another person if your pain isn't under good control. Having a relationship was the last thing on my mind before I started to see a doc and get mine under control. I was just about out of my mind in misery. It's like living on another planet when the pain gets to that point. I know I went 'out there', a couple of times. I know my anxiety disorder is tied to the pain disorder. It's a real bummer that people don't understand. It doesn't go away and it's with me all the time.

I found with a couple of different therapist ways to relax through deep breathing exercises, visualization and I really am able to find solace in different music. It helps me forget about how difficult it is to function when the pain is at it's highest. It also pays to look into therapy that helps you see things more rationally. I think that was the biggest help. It keeps me from getting stressed out, which just makes me more tense and gets the pain in rare form. Keeping stress at a minimum is really key for me.

I know you have to feel some relief that you don't have to do this project, tomorrow. It helps to let people around you know what you're dealing with. I don't go int detail, but I'll say something to the effect that my knees are bothering me, so if I seem a little slow, that's the reason.

Take care, and know that we all care about you!

Jackie

Clearly you understand pain very wel Jackie, and impressively learned how to possitively deal with it after 30 years! Sometimes I think of how it's ravaged my emotional state after only 6 years, so how's it going to affect me 30 years down the road? It's nice to know it is possible to not ruin your life with it.

One of the most frustrating things was how friends saw the pain. Did this happen to you? A year ago, for about 10 months, I had all 3 of my friends living in town right down the street. I was really grateful to have them there for that period as they'd lived far away 5 years prior to that (and do again now). But they constantly gave me grief about taking painkillers every day, especially when I got into opiates. "Just deal with pain / It's not good for you to take all those painkillers / you're way too dependant on them / most of the pain's probably in your head!". ARGH! They just don't understand, it's not the same as hurting yourself short-term, they can't even begin to understand the psychological toll it takes after years of it! I tried and tried to explain that my mental resources had completely run out, that it was pushing me to the brink of insanity before getting opiates, and they just kept insisting that I magically conjure up the emotional resources to deal with it on my own anyway. At least now, though, they've given up on preaching at me and don't bug me about it any more.

And yes the intellectual impairment really hurts as I pride myself on being intelligent (or at least pretending pretty well..lol)...There was a point I couldn't manage to read and as you can imagine, I was miserable...

I know exactly what you mean BookEater! For a while when I initially went up to a "real" dose of tramadol that had some actual effectiveness, it was so hard to think. I love to read too, I'm enjoyably knawing through the Wheel of Time series right now. But before when I was still adjusting, for 2 months I'd try to read and every 3 sentences my mind would drift off into la-la land. It was SO frustrating! Took me 2 months just to read 100 pages. But then all of a sudden I learned how to function, and continued reading as usual. It still makes it hard to focus in class and a real effort not to drift off during lectures, but I'm functional now. Oh man, the most embarrasing thing is that I'll actually blank out right in the middle of my professor talking to me! Then he'll ask me something and be like "So James, sound like a good idea? James? James?..." and I suddenly go "huh? Wha.... oh, um... sorry I drifted off". It must look like I'm just that uninterested, which of course isn't true. :hearts:

You know this is the most therapeutic place I've ever found on the web. The first where I real feel I can express all my deep worries without fear of judgement/non-understanding. Only 2 days here and I think you guys are awsome!

Edited by Gandalf_The_Grey

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Well, I'm glad to hear that your friends don't bug you about being on pain meds, as it would be a big wedge in your friendship if they did. I guess it's better on some level to not talk about some medical issues with people whom you know 'don't get it' as all it does is become a topic of friction. I know at work, one of my assistant managers has some kind of disorder with her ankles like carpal tunnel and was talking about having to go home after work and lie down as her legs and feet were causing her a tremendous amount of pain. We got into a discussion of different meds we had both tried for pain relief, and my boss who was within hearing distance said to me, "so you're a 'pill', too?

Talk about insulted!

I had to bit my lip and realize that this would be one person with whom I couldn't disclose my health concerns with.

I think part of it is all the bad press out there about people abusing things like vicodin. I have a friend, who is now an ex-friend who is addicted to this and will take between 8 and 10 pills at a time for the high, plus drink on it. Like I said before, if you are in pain, you get a new respect for meds that will reduce it. I couldn't stand to see her when we socialized. She was clearly zonked out of her mind and no amount of talking to her when she seemed to be sober helped with this. I even went so far as to confront her about the addiction, and she just ignored me. It became like watching someone suicide before you eyes who thumbed their nose at you. I couldn't take it, anymore. It's screwed up the relationship with 2 of her kids, and the one who remains at home uses, too. Real ugly........ I just think about if anything ever happens where she needs relief from pain, nothing is going to work, unless taken in humongous doses. She's been fired from docs for asking for large quantities of pain meds, and has done the 'doc shopping' thing to where they all know her. This sticks in my mind when I ever use pain meds. They're there for a reason. Not to be abused due to their addictive nature and I have seen it destroy one person, already.

I had a doc also give me a handful of Aultram (sp.), and tell me it wasn't addictive. I started using it at night to help me sleep and about a month later, it came out on the news that it was indeed addictive.

It's a real concern, I know. It's a real jungle out there to find something that works that isn't going to cause more problems along the way.

Jackie

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I can't believe it! Things have actually gone, well... RIGHT today! I went to the doctor today and explained that the pain was wrecking my psychological condition. I really didn't expect myself to react so, but I could barely choke back the tears as I described the problem. So this doctor finally prescribed me oxycontin to replace my tramadol with! I'm so grateful I don't have to take that awful stuff any more and I might actually get some real relief now.

On top of that, I asked for a referral to a psychiatrist and he said it's 100% covered by Canadian medical! So I should be in shortly before Christmas at the earliest, January most likely. I may have wanted it more immediately but I'm still happy with this; I called a psychologists office today to make an appointment and it costs $140 per appointment! Not the kind of money I or my parents have.

Dare I say it? Dare I... Really? Yes I think I will.... THE UNIVERSE IS NOT TRYING TO WORK AGAINST ME! :hearts::bump:

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I can't believe it! Things have actually gone, well... RIGHT today! I went to the doctor today and explained that the pain was wrecking my psychological condition. I really didn't expect myself to react so, but I could barely choke back the tears as I described the problem. So this doctor finally prescribed me oxycontin to replace my tramadol with! I'm so grateful I don't have to take that awful stuff any more and I might actually get some real relief now.

On top of that, I asked for a referral to a psychiatrist and he said it's 100% covered by Canadian medical! So I should be in shortly before Christmas at the earliest, January most likely. I may have wanted it more immediately but I'm still happy with this; I called a psychologists office today to make an appointment and it costs $140 per appointment! Not the kind of money I or my parents have.

Dare I say it? Dare I... Really? Yes I think I will.... THE UNIVERSE IS NOT TRYING TO WORK AGAINST ME! :hearts::shocked:

This is wonderful news! :shocked:

I am so happy that your doctor was able to help you and get you off that awful tramadol! and seeing a psychiatrist too! WONDERFUL. Things seem to be turning more in your favor. Its wonderful when you can see the silver lining to that big black cloud!

many hugs to you! Keep us posted!

Looking Up :bump:

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Gandalf that is fantastic.

Wow, your topic is an inspiration. I am glad that you have seen that there is hope and that things can get better. Good luck and let us know what is going on.

Trace

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Never give up hope that things can and will get better, Gandalf! Asking for help is sometimes the only think left to do.

As for people who don't understand pain and the longterm effect it has on your emotionally, socially, financially, in relationships, as well on us as as people who usually need motivation to get things done... It's a bummer when you can't get support from the people around you for this as well as for depression, isn't it? We're talking about things that people can't 'see', and I know that this leaves lots of questions in their minds as to how severe you are suffering.

I wonder if there are any support groups in your area for people who deal with chronic pain disorders? I'm fortunate that I have found people over the years who deal with the same disorder that I have and have made great relationships with them due to the commonalities we have about ways to effectively deal with other people, bosses, doctors and experiences we've had over the years.

Jackie

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I can't believe it! Things have actually gone, well... RIGHT today! I went to the doctor today and explained that the pain was wrecking my psychological condition. I really didn't expect myself to react so, but I could barely choke back the tears as I described the problem. So this doctor finally prescribed me oxycontin to replace my tramadol with! I'm so grateful I don't have to take that awful stuff any more and I might actually get some real relief now.

On top of that, I asked for a referral to a psychiatrist and he said it's 100% covered by Canadian medical! So I should be in shortly before Christmas at the earliest, January most likely. I may have wanted it more immediately but I'm still happy with this; I called a psychologists office today to make an appointment and it costs $140 per appointment! Not the kind of money I or my parents have.

Dare I say it? Dare I... Really? Yes I think I will.... THE UNIVERSE IS NOT TRYING TO WORK AGAINST ME! :hearts::shocked:

I believe, I live.

Sakyamuni said :

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