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Why Am I So Insecure?!


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8 replies to this topic

#1 Jetgirl

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Posted 30 October 2007 - 10:35 PM

I've felt like this most of my life, but lately, I've just been feeling incredibly insecure. The fact is I have no sense of self outside of what others think of me, and I resent people who do. I'm terribly jealous of one of my best friends because she's ten times smarter and more personable than I will ever be. Lately, I've been so resentful of her that I bristle inside whenever she talks about someone who is very intelligent/accomplished, because I somehow manage to take it as a snide, indirect remark about how not intelligent/accomplished I am.

I'm having such a hard time at school forming relationships with my professors and people of authority in general, because I resent them too. Why can't I just forget about myself for one second and learn from people, and like people for who they are instead of how they make me feel? It's so, so hard for me to approach relationships with other people in a non-calculating way....I think I know what it means to be emotionally mature, but I just can't seem to get there.

Just really frustrated...my personality is broken, where can I get a new one?

#2 fishguyUMD

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Posted 30 October 2007 - 10:46 PM

I don't think you need a new personality. It sounds as if you're aware of the situation, and I think we're always capable of changing what we're aware of. Mind you, that doesn't exactly mean it'll be easy (actually, the opposite is WAY more likely). It just takes time. The fact of the matter is this, sometimes depression plants thoughts in your head that you neither need nor want. Recognizing this is the first step, taking steps to change it is the second (and honestly, for me, it took the help and support of family and friends). But, on a separate note, never sell yourself short. Negative thoughts about yourself are the doorway that allows other negative thoughts in.

Cheers
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#3 Sheepwoman

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Posted 31 October 2007 - 09:48 AM

Having low self-esteem contributes to the way you think about yourself and others. Negativity allows you to think that others have a low opinion of you. Comparing yourself to others who appear to be successful, is another esteem issue. The basic idea is to make positive changes to your thinking and behavior, which helps with relationships, too. Therapy has been beneficial for others to work on self changes, learning the tools needed and building coping skills. Making changes to ingrained thought patterns is hard work that you have to do for yourself. It is not a quick process. The first step, is learning how to love and nurture yourself. Put yourself first, in other words.

Have you checked the student health center on your campus? They can refer you to a psychologist or psychiatrist. Some of them will see you for free or charge for their services on a sliding fee basis.
Sheepwoman :hearts:
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God will give you no more than you can handle. This is all a test to see if you are really ready for the good things that are going to come your way. All this pain is going to come back and make me stronger.-Clarence Clemmons 1942-2011

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#4 Lizzy

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Posted 31 October 2007 - 09:53 AM

Hindsight is a wonderful thing! Welcome! When I was in my teens I felt that I had to be liked and make a good impression by/for everyone around me. Being the daughter of prominent members of the community didn't help as I felt I had to put on an act for them as well as others or it would be "because she's their daughter ..... "

As I became overwhelmed with anxiety I realised that others have emotional problems too. So although folks around us appear to be coping, maybe they really, really are NOT! Don't be so hard on YOU! The only people that I can't cope with being around these days are those I admire [there are 3]. Others I can give as good as I get but that comes with age! <wink>

What do you want to do with your life? How do you see that you can achieve your aims? Make some notes of where you want to be in 3 weeks, 3 months, 6 months - and how you will get there. Public speaking classes might be useful as you will need to focus on your presentation to a group where you will be in charge: or volunteering with a charity will enable you to put your feelings to one side for short periods, therefore benefitting from doing things for others. That way you swing your feelings round from resentment to acceptance.

If we were all equally clever we would not DF, Vets., Doctors, Professors, Libraries ........ get my drift? Because we ALL have skills we need to share them. No one person can know everything about the World we inhabit but together we can even out problems and encourage each other. Little steps. Charity begins at home and hopefully good deeds spread outwards. Don't be afraid of what people around you appear to be: give them some slack, accept your qualities and use them.
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#5 Guest_shadowlesss_*

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Posted 31 October 2007 - 12:14 PM

no,not really.you are okay.
you know they cant bother to remember to say how smart you are whenever they say someone is smart while you are present. it takes too much work......lol
i used to have those problems too and my docs told me its obsessive thoughts.
you are not emotionally immature. not at all.
on the other side , its a signal indicating you are still very mentally sensitive and intelligently sharp. a nice thing to hear,eh?
yeah, since i m older than you i can tell it will get better with the time

cheer up BIG MAMA

#6 Erik D

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Posted 31 October 2007 - 06:15 PM

I've come to hate myself too, and it began when I started doing and not doing what other demanded I do and not do, and the result was me not living my life, not being who I want to be, and becoming resentful and hateful in the process.

My suggestion would be to find your true, best self, love yourself, and bring that true, best you to life.

Edited by Erik D, 31 October 2007 - 06:16 PM.


#7 Shauny

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Posted 31 October 2007 - 07:06 PM

I can completely relate to you, Jetgirl. I'm terrible at forming relationships. I do have a girlfriend, but she's the only person I actually communicate with. Wish I was kidding... I've been getting really jealous about things as well. Guess I'll create a thread on it tomorrow maybe. But if you ever want to talk feel free to PM me.

#8 Jetgirl

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Posted 01 November 2007 - 04:43 PM

Thanks everyone for your replies. :hearts:

Fishguy, yeah, I was feeling very negative when I wrote this topic. I had a very stressful week in college and I did poorly on a couple of major assignments, I felt very discouraged...i'm getting better at staving off those negative thoughts...but it is a long and difficult process.

Sheepwoman, no I haven't been seeing a therapist or anything. It's really hard for me to talk about myself and my problems face to face with another human being, and I'm so hypersensitive that each bad experience with a person leaves a scar that takes me forever to get over, so I haven't really worked up the courage to do therapy yet...plus I'll be leaving here in a few months when I graduate.

Lizzy, Erik I think you've hit the nail on the head. Part of why I feel so insecure is because I haven't really found something that I'm really great at, and I don't really feel like I belong anywhere. I want to find a workplace or an organization, or a community where I feel unique and where I feel like I'm contributing in a way that no one else can. I want to be recognized and appreciated like everyone else, but at the same time, I'm incredibly shy, I hate being the center of attention, and I hate standing out...it's a real dilemma. Anyway, I spent a lot of my teen years trying to be what everyone wanted me to be, and failing, and I never really figured out what I actually was...when I went to college, I swung in the opposite direction and did the f---you phase, for awhile...I'm more balanced now, but still very uncertain.

((shadowless)) - yes, i'm very very obsessive with my thoughts. very obsessive. I dunno about mentally sensitive though...I think I'm emotionally very sensitive....but not mentally so. :/ Thanks though....: )

Shauny - i'm in a similar situation. I usually only have one or two people at a time that I can really talk to. Usually that's enough for me, but it does sometimes get lonely when you have interests or want to do things that those people aren't interested in.

#9 Joanna

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Posted 01 November 2007 - 07:08 PM

((((((Jetgirl)))))

I'm very insecure too and I feel like I've been that way forever. Even as I get older, I still struggle enormously with self-esteem issues.

I can relate to SO much of what you say here, especially the bit about not wanting to be the center of attention, but at the same time, wanting to be noticed and valued. It's the same with me. I long to stand out and shine, yet I also tend to feel really awkward when I do get attention. And I often feel envious when others seem to enjoy the limelight so effortlessly.

I'm really sorry you are having these difficult feelings, but I think you are definitely on the right track when you say that you want to try and find a place where you can make your mark. I think that is a really important thing for those of us with low self-esteem. We really need to create situations for ourselves where we can make a contribution that feels meaningful to us and where we receive positive feedback and feel appreciated for our efforts - be that in a place of work, or in a community, or, whatever.

But we also need to make sure that we don't expect too much of ourselves or set ourselves impossible goals. That can sometimes be a form of self-sabotage for me ...The truth is that we don't have to be the next Nobel Peace Prize winner. We can find other, more humble and more realistic ways to make a contribution and to give our lives meaning (though, obviously, I'm still struggling with that!! :hearts: )

Interestingly (well, interesting for me anyway!), I did have a really good job for many years where I felt my "talents" were being fully utilized. Yet, despite my apparent outward success, I STILL felt insecure inside. And that's the other side of the coin. Unless we work on our relationship with ourself, we may find that, no matter how much success or attention we receive from others, we'll still feel worthless.

Well, sorry to ramble on. It's just that I recognize myself in a lot of what you describe here.

I definitely think it's great that you are spending this time figuring out which direction you want to go in your life, and where your particular talents and skills can be put to best effect. I really hope you find that place you write about here where you feel valued and appreciated. You definitely deserve it!

Good luck, Jetgirl!

Joanna
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