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Overwhelming Loneliness


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#1 May_It_Be

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Posted 01 September 2007 - 03:58 AM

I recently acknowledged something that I haven't truly acknowledged in the past two years of my slow descent into major depressive disorder (and subsequent breakdown, resulting in actual hospitalization).

The longetivity and severity of my loneliness.

I've known, discussed, and confronted other aspects of my serious depression. I've written about them, worked on them, coddled them, even, and cursed them. But it wasn't until this past month that the extent of my loneliness truly revealed itself to me. And it was an enlightening, if agonizing, recognition of something that has played a major role in my spiral into blackness. Yes, it's a result of the chemical imbalance and genetical component of my depression. I just hadn't realized that it was so bad.

My depression has caused me to isolate from the rest of the world (except my mother, father, and grandmother), when, before the DARK TIMES, I was a rabidly social animal. I had an entire network of friends, co-workers, you name it. I had the world. I was beloved, and I was the life of the party. By nature, I LOVE AND NEED PEOPLE. Please, please know that I'm not saying these things to sound egotistical or anything remotely like that. I've ALWAYS hated myself, and still do, so that's NOT AT ALL what I mean. Just trying to set up the scenerio, here.

Anyway, when the depression began to increase in intensity, followed by alcohol abuse in response to the pain, I withdrew from everyone, and lost them all. Well, they're still out there, but I lost the will to seek them out, to interact in their world, the world I used to inhabit so exuberantly. I lost myself to this black hole we know as "depression".

And I lost my previous relationship of five years. By my own choice. But now I don't have the safety, intimacy, and protection of that powerful bond, and I feel so tremendously alone, helpless, hopeless, and wretched, I don't know how to deal with it all.

So I guess my ultimate question is, how do you deal with the terrible process of managing your own life when you're deeply depressed, and all alone (especially when, previously, you had a life partner who held you when you were broken, and snatched you from the jaws of death over and over again)? He had ALWAYS been there for me, in my darkest days (before the DARK TIMES of my current depression, which has been the worst of my life), to hold me, to cherish me, to fight for, and to save me. And now there's nothing, no one. A void that I cannot resolve. And the loneliness, the lack of intimacy and support and love, is driving me deeper into the hell I already inhabit (it's not, by ANY stretch of the imagination, the ONLY problem driving me there, but it's a big one).

How do you address the monster of loneliness?

And am I, as I believe at this present moment, alone in this?

Edited by May_It_Be, 01 September 2007 - 03:59 AM.

I see in your eyes the same fear that would take the heart of me. A day may come when the courage of men fails, when we forsake our friends and break all bonds of fellowship, but it is not this day. An hour of woes and shattered shields, when the age of men comes crashing down! But it is not this day! This day we fight! By all that you hold dear on this good Earth, I bid you stand, Men of the West!

#2 svendorrian

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Posted 01 September 2007 - 04:33 AM

I am afraid that you are not alone. There are many others here that are in accord with you.

However,

In my case, I have never had a "life" partner, And I have always learned to lean on myself, because I really had no one to lean on to.

I have come to enjoy being alone, but not lonely. and after many years now, I have finally come to a silent acceptance.

Largely due to my depression being due to within me, and not really due to any external influences....

There are others here you can also pm for further support.

....and...the monster of loneliness?

I make it my best friend....

Edited by svendorrian, 01 September 2007 - 04:35 AM.

My diagnonsis: Major Depression, PTSD, social anxiety disorder. Issues are chronic-permanent. On Antidepressants and Antipsychotics indefintiely. Mental Stability is an issue and it is monitored. Source: military combat tours. Therapy and Treatment is ongoing.

 

 


#3 lambvet

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Posted 01 September 2007 - 04:34 AM

Hi May_It_Be,

Not at all, we have all experienced this at some point in our lives. It is the nature of the beast. Depression lies to us and further debilitates us. I have been a member of a peer operated social/self-help organization for years and we have new members all the time that have felt like you. That may be an avenue open to you as well.

Another thing is that I now have meds that work for me, correcting that chemical imbalance and genetic predisposition. Although depression is a crippling disease it is not incurable or unfathomable. There are therapy techniques to battle some of the more obvious conditions. If you have the know-how concerning being more social, then that makes it that much more conquerable. A lot of what inhibits you is directly a result of depression thinking, that is where CBT helps. So much of getting back into the social swing of things is getting past the part of you that tells you you can't do it.

False Evidence Appearing Real is our real enemy, and it can be overcome. Yours is not a lonely place, it just seems that way. Many here suffer as you do, you have read enough here to realize that. This is a good place to practice getting those social skills back. We can't dwell on past loses, mistakes and the like, we need to look forward, even if it seems insane. LOL

I can't really give you a bunch of lists or procedures that you could follow, the right way for you is within you, only you truly know what your deepest needs are. You are your own answer, sometimes it takes therapy that will guide you to your own answers. If that seems impossible now, know this, that somewhere within you lies the answers to your query.

So, treatment is the first step, if you are stable on meds, you should feel like becoming a part of again. If not, that might be the first thing you need to tackle. After that comes therapy. But once your meds start working you will find yourself looking outwardly instead of inwardly. Is there any community MH organization where you live? If so, might be something to explore.

You use many metaphors to describe your downward trip into despair, new metaphors are available to you if you want them. There are different lists here on DF, affirmations, that might help. I know of one in the SA room, you say you have abused alcohol, so that room ought not be a stranger to you. But in the Codependency Rx thread about half way through there is a list, actually several lists, of affirmations. They are better than the lies your depression is telling you.

And if you truly need and love people, maybe the recovery group working on codependency issue might appeal to you. But in all your paralyzed state of depression, it is you that can pull yourself out of the darkness you so vividly describe. In the mean time, this thread may bring you a friend or more as a start. But you can move around as well, there are others that can also share with you how they returned from where you now are in your life.

I hope all this lifts you just a millimeter, then you will understand that up is a direction as well as down. There is a duality in all things that exist, good and evil, man and woman, up and down and so forth. One only has to turn the coin over to see what has always seemed lost. I hope to see your spirits lift and I will pray for your insights into yourself. Like I said, your answers essentially lie within you. You best know your needs, so start seeing them as a possibility. There are too many people that have conquered their struggles with depression for me to think that you are somehow an exception. Your very needs tell me you are salvageable but that is your journey, you may find someone to join you on your journey, but you will always be the rudder.

BE Peace and BE Love...... wayne

Sabbat Shalom

I recently acknowledged something that I haven't truly acknowledged in the past two years of my slow descent into major depressive disorder (and subsequent breakdown, resulting in actual hospitalization).

The longetivity and severity of my loneliness.

I've known, discussed, and confronted other aspects of my serious depression. I've written about them, worked on them, coddled them, even, and cursed them. But it wasn't until this past month that the extent of my loneliness truly revealed itself to me. And it was an enlightening, if agonizing, recognition of something that has played a major role in my spiral into blackness. Yes, it's a result of the chemical imbalance and genetical component of my depression. I just hadn't realized that it was so bad.

My depression has caused me to isolate from the rest of the world (except my mother, father, and grandmother), when, before the DARK TIMES, I was a rabidly social animal. I had an entire network of friends, co-workers, you name it. I had the world. I was beloved, and I was the life of the party. By nature, I LOVE AND NEED PEOPLE. Please, please know that I'm not saying these things to sound egotistical or anything remotely like that. I've ALWAYS hated myself, and still do, so that's NOT AT ALL what I mean. Just trying to set up the scenerio, here.

Anyway, when the depression began to increase in intensity, followed by alcohol abuse in response to the pain, I withdrew from everyone, and lost them all. Well, they're still out there, but I lost the will to seek them out, to interact in their world, the world I used to inhabit so exuberantly. I lost myself to this black hole we know as "depression".

And I lost my previous relationship of five years. By my own choice. But now I don't have the safety, intimacy, and protection of that powerful bond, and I feel so tremendously alone, helpless, hopeless, and wretched, I don't know how to deal with it all.

So I guess my ultimate question is, how do you deal with the terrible process of managing your own life when you're deeply depressed, and all alone (especially when, previously, you had a life partner who held you when you were broken, and snatched you from the jaws of death over and over again)? He had ALWAYS been there for me, in my darkest days (before the DARK TIMES of my current depression, which has been the worst of my life), to hold me, to cherish me, to fight for, and to save me. And now there's nothing, no one. A void that I cannot resolve. And the loneliness, the lack of intimacy and support and love, is driving me deeper into the hell I already inhabit (it's not, by ANY stretch of the imagination, the ONLY problem driving me there, but it's a big one).

How do you address the monster of loneliness?

And am I, as I believe at this present moment, alone in this?


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#4 ISeeBluePeople

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Posted 01 September 2007 - 05:00 AM

I am one of a rare breed. I enjoy being alone. I suppose thats because I've subconsciously conditioned myself to being happy w/o friends. I've suffered from Social Anxiety Disorder all my life and have always had a hard time making friends. The one thing I long for is to be in a relationship but I don't worry about it. I know shes out there somewhere.
In all my bitterness, I ignored all thats real and true. All I need is You. Posted Image

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#5 littlestar

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Posted 01 September 2007 - 05:12 AM

You will be alright. The fact that you are social (and have good social skill) in the past, show that you have social skill. You will be alright. I guess I am a bit confusing, what I mean is, such as me, I never skillful in social, and I still struggle. But you were skillful in social, like you have that build in you, so you will be alright.

And for 'him', well, I guess you can try to remember the 'good', like there was someone being there for you when you were sad, at least it's not like when you were sad, and no one was there.

Although, he is previous now, but you still have other people in your present, such as your family (you mentioned that in your topic)
God, help me.

#6 recelee

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Posted 01 September 2007 - 11:49 AM

You are not alone in this feeling.

I also feel alone all the time, even when surrounded by people.

I have never really been a social animal, but within the last 3 years I was able to make friends with several people, but since my diagnosis, either I, or their fear of depression has pushed them all away.

I truly think it is a little of both.

I hope to be able to find the path out of this darkness.

Recently, I heard a song by Brand New, Jesus Christ, and there is one line in the song that seems to fit me to a tee...

"Cause my bright is too slight to hold back all my dark"

The song has come to be my theme song.

#7 Elhaym

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Posted 01 September 2007 - 02:27 PM

Hi May_It_Be,
I just wanted to reiterate that you're not alone in this. I, too, relate to your problem of loneliness. I also relate to your statement "I've ALWAYS hated myself, and still do"

I've come to realize that self-hatred is a much bigger problem than loneliness. I keep telling myself that dealing with my self-esteem issues and seeking treatment for my depression should be my first priority for now. And hopefully, at some point during my recovery, I'll be able to make friends again and have relationships. I'm just not healthy enough right now. So, for now, I have to be strong and address my top priorities. And I know, it's so hard, because everywhere you look, people are happy and sociable and having a good time with their friends. For now, I'm relying on positive affirmations and CBT to keep me strong, and I plan to seek medical treatment next week.

Take care.
- Elly
- Elly

(\__/)
(+'.'+)
(")_(")

#8 May_It_Be

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Posted 01 September 2007 - 09:04 PM

Thank you so much, everyone, for your insightful contributions. Just knowing that I'm not the only one going through this is tremendously encouraging.

To summarize, I suppose I could say that I feel completely lost. Lost to the world, lost to those around me, lost to the concept of living again, lost to myself. I feel as though I've lost everything, especially myself, as though everything about me has essentially merged with shadow, dissolved into nothingness. It's as if my identity, my mind, my spirit, has commingled with this great void, this unspeakable abyss ... and there's no way to salvage the wreckage of who I once was. I can't seem to differentiate between myself and darkness.

It's like wandering despairingly through a veritable purgatory. It's like being condemned to navigate some otherworldly labyrinth that has no solution.

It's like being so alone, you don't even have yourself.
I see in your eyes the same fear that would take the heart of me. A day may come when the courage of men fails, when we forsake our friends and break all bonds of fellowship, but it is not this day. An hour of woes and shattered shields, when the age of men comes crashing down! But it is not this day! This day we fight! By all that you hold dear on this good Earth, I bid you stand, Men of the West!

#9 tigerlily

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Posted 01 September 2007 - 09:22 PM

I just recently realized how terribly lonely I am, too. Unlike you, I've always been introverted, shy and more comfortable on my own. I've never let my single status prevent me from doing what I want to do. But I've reached a point where I realize some of those things would be even more enjoyable with someone else - traveling, plays, movies, etc. The problem is, I don't have the confidence or social skills to make friends or start dating again. It's sort of a vicious circle - I don't want to be alone, but I can't seem to change that, which upsets me and drives me deeper into loneliness.

I know that wandering, lost feeling. You try feeling your way around but all you can find are walls. But all labyrinths have a solution, right? It might take us a while to find it, but it's there.

Tigerlily

#10 SoulSurvivor

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Posted 02 September 2007 - 01:08 PM

no one looks as I walk by...just an invitation would of been just fine...
I am alone also..everywhere i go....
I estimated that, If i die somehow in my apartment, it would take approximately 4 to 5 days for someone to find me (did I say this already somewhere else?) :bump: :hearts:
I don't think being "alone" and being lonely are the same thing, I can feel isolated and lonely in a crowded room, at work and at the county fair..
i like living by myself, it's just that I feel there is no one safe to turn to when I want companionship.....that is when loneliness is tremendous and very evident
Always forgive your enemies....nothing annoys them so much....
Posted ImagePosted ImagePosted ImagePosted Image Oscar Wilde

#11 Kel

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Posted 02 September 2007 - 09:44 PM

I feel like most of the time I'm just taking up space..that no-one really cares thats I'm here or would really miss me when I'm gone. I don't do anything..because I dont have the motivation to do anything. I sit in the house and watch TV and surf the net. I dont play warcraft as much..I don't go to faire and I normally LOVE faire. I'm just..here... I'm addicted to pain killers(vicoden) because I have chronic pain but I take them for pain and not to get high but without them I get irritable and i hurt and i know thats part of my problem..grrrr
This body holding me reminds me of my own mortality.
Embrace this moment. Remember; we are eternal,
all this pain is an illusion. --Maynard James Keenan of Tool

#12 midas

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Posted 03 September 2007 - 04:05 AM

It's strange, I used to feel exactly like you. I used to be sociable, always around my friends. But now I don't even bother to keep in contact with them, they have their own world now. And I have my own too. I have problems making friends (i think), they just not the type of people I want to make friends with. But it's hard to become sociable again, everything I used to say just came out of my mouth, nowadays I have to think more. Rather, I don't even speak... :S I've been through loneliness. But as time goes by, I began to accept it, it just grew apart of me. I enjoy being alone now, it doesn't bother me as much. But if I'm alone in a crowded room, it's horrible, it shows that i am lonely, i try to keep my mind of it by doing things.
"I have found that if you love life, life will love you back." ~ Arthur Rubenstein

#13 newtberry

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Posted 03 September 2007 - 01:13 PM

well i'm married and i still feel lonely, mostly when he leaves for work though. i have no one to talk to really, i get no more emails from my best friend because she's going through something. so yeah lonliness has been with me for a while. sometimes to cope with it i'll exercise, or learn a new recipe. even yoga can help a bit. one thing's for sure though, your not alone in feeling alone. ((((hugs))))
"Hearts will never be practical until they are made unbreakable"
-wizard of oz

#14 Kel

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Posted 04 September 2007 - 01:23 AM

Loneliness I think is the worst part of depression. I don't have many friends if any really at all. My co-workers don't really care..they are just out for themselves and most of the friends I have are ones who only want to be my friend when they need something from me. I really depise that in people and it hurts!
My best friend lives on the east coast..I know she is there but she never has time for me. Ive called her alot and she never answers the phone..ever! I think out of the 6 years I've known her she has answered her phone one time..I understand she is busy but call me back! She doesnt do that either..we text and email once in awhile and she will tell me she will try calling on a certain day and then she never does and then tells me some excuse of why she couldn't. Its just old and i feel put off by her and to be honest it hurts. She has some depression issues and anxiety and for me she is very easy to talk to but i can never get her on the phone. Very frustrating!! I would never put her off if she needed me to talk to..I am always there..always. I've pretty much given up on trying to reach her by phone. I figure if she wants to talk to me she will call. when we do talk we have a wonderful conversation so i don't understand i guess.
Maybe i need to accept the fact that i will always be alone in my thoughts..and elsewhere too
Ok I've rambled on enough but I know there are others here who feel the same way about loneliness. Its just part of the depression and i am the only one who can do something about that too.
This body holding me reminds me of my own mortality.
Embrace this moment. Remember; we are eternal,
all this pain is an illusion. --Maynard James Keenan of Tool

#15 SoulSurvivor

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Posted 04 September 2007 - 08:34 PM

Loneliness I think is the worst part of depression. I don't have many friends if any really at all. My co-workers don't really care..they are just out for themselves and most of the friends I have are ones who only want to be my friend when they need something from me. I really depise that in people and it hurts!
My best friend lives on the east coast..I know she is there but she never has time for me. Ive called her alot and she never answers the phone..ever! I think out of the 6 years I've known her she has answered her phone one time..I understand she is busy but call me back! She doesnt do that either..we text and email once in awhile and she will tell me she will try calling on a certain day and then she never does and then tells me some excuse of why she couldn't. Its just old and i feel put off by her and to be honest it hurts. She has some depression issues and anxiety and for me she is very easy to talk to but i can never get her on the phone. Very frustrating!! I would never put her off if she needed me to talk to..I am always there..always. I've pretty much given up on trying to reach her by phone. I figure if she wants to talk to me she will call. when we do talk we have a wonderful conversation so i don't understand i guess.
Maybe i need to accept the fact that i will always be alone in my thoughts..and elsewhere too
Ok I've rambled on enough but I know there are others here who feel the same way about loneliness. Its just part of the depression and i am the only one who can do something about that too.


oh I know exactly how you feel..I don't have many friends....actually, I only have one...I thought I had more...but like you, I have someone I have known for 11 years, she lives in another state...And every time she gets dumped by one of her boyfriends...she is hanging on the phone with me almost every single day...and the discussion is all about WHY she was dumped,,WHY the situation always happens to HER, WHY she can't have a good relationship with a guy blah blah blah....hardly ever do we discuss anything else...and right now, I haven't heard from her in months and months because she is in a relationship...she doesn't even LIVE with them....but everything is always about them...when I had to put my dad in a nursing home, my mom was diagnosed with lung cancer and my daughter had to deliver a still born baby (all this happened in a span of a week) NO ONE was around to talk to...absolutely no one...and yes, it hurts very badly, you feel used...I also have known someone for over 34 years, I thought we were friends, she lives 4 blocks away,,,,and when I told her all that, all she could do is talk about herself, she didn't even say she was sorry that it happened...she's the kind of person that when you answer the phone, she just starts rambling on about herself or her family, like they are all that matter, and she will keep rambling...the very last time she did that I watched the clock and she went on for 20 minutes before I could even say anything!!!
I recently told her we are not friends nor have we ever been. that was about 4 weeks ago. I also have no desire to talk to her or the other one who lives in another state...people like that don't know how to be a friend, they are too self absorbed,,,narcisstic....
wow, now I am rambling....sorry :hearts: :bump: :shocked:
Always forgive your enemies....nothing annoys them so much....
Posted ImagePosted ImagePosted ImagePosted Image Oscar Wilde

#16 September12th

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Posted 04 September 2007 - 10:46 PM

I'm currently depressed, thread starter is certainly not alone. I'm not lonely though, like Midas said I have long since accepted it, in fact looking back I took drastic steps to make sure it came to be this way. I really prefer it, much easier to stay home alone than find the strength to mingle with others. I got no family or friends, none! I don't move from the couch if someone knocks on the door, haven't answered the phone in years. If they leave a message and I have to return the call that's the only time I do, 100% for business or something along those lines. I have an ex-wife but I can't muster the strength to talk to her about any of this, I don't think I could with anyone for that matter. That's part of this I suppose, I was never one to let emotions out. If men are bad at this than I am the worst. I was raised with a family that liked to isolate themselves from the world. They weren't as bad as I am but my parents had very few friends. Nobody came over, they didn't visit others or anything else. If a neighbor came over my folks would rant and rave for days about someone coming over and knocking on our door, they did neither encourage or appreciate it. Well within the family's isolation was my own isolation on top of that. As the family was isolated from the world, my goal was to isolate myself from them as well. I call it Isolation squared. Though the family was dysfunctional by any definition, I don't blame any of them for who I am or what I have become. That's on me and I know it, doesn't seem to make it any easier to accept though.

Before I stop boring you all, I just want to say I am brand new to this. Joined a few days ago and this is the first board of any kind I have ever posted on. Maybe that's part of it but I want to say I am very impressed by how you all write. Is there a secret course offerred somewhere on this? While I can't verbalize what I am really feeling, it's common to read another post and start nodding my head right away. You all write beautifully.

Edited by September12th, 04 September 2007 - 10:47 PM.


#17 svendorrian

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Posted 04 September 2007 - 10:58 PM

We are in one accord with you.

And we listen to what you have to say, and we have similar experiences (obviously) as well...

It is very good that we support each other.

My diagnonsis: Major Depression, PTSD, social anxiety disorder. Issues are chronic-permanent. On Antidepressants and Antipsychotics indefintiely. Mental Stability is an issue and it is monitored. Source: military combat tours. Therapy and Treatment is ongoing.

 

 


#18 Sparky

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Posted 05 September 2007 - 02:51 AM

oh i know the feelings you describe so well.

I have been alone most of my life. I have a supportive, loving family but I have never really made an emotional connection with anyone. Even in relationships i feel lonely.

But that is nothing to the lonliness I have endured since becoming a single parent some years ago. I feel so isolated and the longing for emotional and physical intimacy is actually painful.

I love my daughter with my whole heart and soul but she doesnt fill that void in me. I know a partner wont either but that seems to be what Im craving.

I guess I need to find happiness within myself before I will find it with another.

But it has been so long since I have felt loved by a man.......
Laughed at by the Gods

#19 svendorrian

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Posted 05 September 2007 - 07:15 AM

You words are deep and meaningful.

You have stated somethings that I have rarely heard single parents say- that their child or children do not fill all of the voids in their lives.

And yes, you do need to look to yourself before you look to someone else.

I do not know what to say, except that you are not alone.

My diagnonsis: Major Depression, PTSD, social anxiety disorder. Issues are chronic-permanent. On Antidepressants and Antipsychotics indefintiely. Mental Stability is an issue and it is monitored. Source: military combat tours. Therapy and Treatment is ongoing.

 

 


#20 steve99

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Posted 05 September 2007 - 10:55 AM

Just want to post to say I understand the feeling of total loneliness.

And then I realised..!
Everyone loves themselves more than they love anyone else...
so if I want to be loved..
I have to be like them!
And it worked!


#21 Kel

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Posted 05 September 2007 - 11:48 AM

[
wow, now I am rambling....sorry :hearts: :bump: :shocked:


nah..not rambling..i am listening and can very much relate
This body holding me reminds me of my own mortality.
Embrace this moment. Remember; we are eternal,
all this pain is an illusion. --Maynard James Keenan of Tool

#22 May_It_Be

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Posted 06 September 2007 - 12:59 AM

Having a bad night. Feeling overwhelmed with a sense of dread, self-loathing, impending doom. Feeling trapped. The demon of depression inside my head is screaming unspeakable and dehumanizing lies, and I believe them. I look at myself in the mirror, and all I see is severe ugliness and worthlessness. A shell of someone I used to know. My brain feels blurry, as if my perceptions are not quite in focus, and yet, I'm very much occupied in the suffering of the moment. It's like a lucid dream.

All I feel is despair. I'm especially vulnerable to loneliness at this present moment. I am anxious, like I could claw through the walls and heave myself into oblivion. No, I'm not psychotic, but the emotions are just as powerful and just as defeating and demoralizing. I almost wish I were actually hallucinating ... at least I could focus on something else besides the incessant pain gnawing at my core.

I will never be free of this. I will never know any semblance of calm, let alone joy. These emotions are alient to me. They are like a dream, a distant memory from a long time ago. I'm beginning to doubt if I ever truly experienced them to begin with.

I just feel the need to reach out, because I'm really suffering tonight. And I'm confused. Tormented. Writhing. Alone.

Help.
I see in your eyes the same fear that would take the heart of me. A day may come when the courage of men fails, when we forsake our friends and break all bonds of fellowship, but it is not this day. An hour of woes and shattered shields, when the age of men comes crashing down! But it is not this day! This day we fight! By all that you hold dear on this good Earth, I bid you stand, Men of the West!

#23 sho

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Posted 06 September 2007 - 02:12 AM

I think that I know how you feel. I lived in with my fiance for a year before I had to move away because of my job, and I didn't have much of a choice because I am in the military. She became depressed when I left and I she isn't well enough to make a major decision such as moving across the country to be with with me right now, but I have also been depressed. I was able to keep it in check for about a year and a half, because I have been trying to stay positive to help her. Then one night I just broke down crying and I have just gone down hill from there. The worst thing about being lonely is night time. It has been a year and a half now since I moved away and I still sleep with a pillow next to me. I could have a perfect day but as soon as I go to bed and the lights go out I get sad all over again, and it's a horrible way to start my day also. All alone without anyone there to tell you good morning or I love you. I used to take those moments forgranted before, and now I would do anything to have them back. I don't realy know what to tell you because nothing has realy helped me. I have tried everything to go to bed and alcohol and meds still didn't help me. I wish I could give you some advice but I am still trying to figure out what to do myself. I have alway had many friends but now I'm in a new area and I just don't have an interest in making friends. Infact when I make myself go out with people I feel weird because I'm thinking about how lonely I am without my fiance and I'm ignoring the people I'm with. I wish I knew a way to just not think about being lonely for a little while so that I could catch my breath.

#24 lambvet

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Posted 06 September 2007 - 08:23 AM

Hi all and especially May It Be,

I know the last thing one wants to hear when depression is kicking their butt is to hand in there. But my experience with depression and anxiety comes down to that. I kept going back to the pDoc, getting a new Rx, trying CBT which helped a bit when I wasn't severely depressed or anxious. But eventually with the newer non SSRI ADs, we finally found one that worked for me. So in my experience, one can't stop looking for the answers. This is a disease based on a chemical imbalance, and finding the exact key for each individual unfortunately can take some time. I doubt this will help anyone, but it took almost 11 years of trying. Oh there were some SSRIs that helped a bit for a while, but nothing I could hang my hat on and feel confident that I could go out there and not have recurrent attacks.

The great thing that is happening now in pResearch is that they are finding other receptors that are just as important to a sense of well being besides serotonin. Norepinepherine, dopamine and glutamate receptors are becoming targeted receptors in the development of new meds. Of course Wellbutrin has been around for a bit and it targets norepi and dopamine. However, one of the new foci of research is based on looking at the other three mechanisms of each receptor site other than reuptake inhibition. They are finding that rather than the reuptake mechanism being faulty, that some receptor sites are too active or not making enough. SSRIs in themselves do not address this problem hence some of the newer ADs. The third has been addressed with the MAO inhibitors, unfortunately these were targeting all receptors and leading to a multitude of SEs. Perhaps soon they will develop new ones targeting specific receptors in the brain. And you can be sure there are more to come.

Remember, depression is the great deceiver, especially to the self. For every self defeating thought one needs a positive thought to combat it. One of my favorite tools are positive affirmations, they sometimes fall on deaf ears, but just having them in your thoughts can sometimes temper the ever present voice of depression. One particularly interesting set can be found here. There are a group of them gathered from other threads around DF. I hope that you can print them out and post them around your home/apt/abode.

Peace and Love.... wayne

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#25 QsThr_Pro

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Posted 06 September 2007 - 10:13 PM

someitmes i like being alone. but most of the time it drives me crazy.

#26 Sparky

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Posted 07 September 2007 - 12:24 AM

the way i feel reminds me of that line from Titanic " all the while I feel Im standing in the middle of a crowded room, screaming and no-one even looks up"

That sums me up perfectly.

The aching loneliness that is becoming a roar.
Laughed at by the Gods




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