Not at all, we have all experienced this at some point in our lives. It is the nature of the beast. Depression lies to us and further debilitates us. I have been a member of a peer operated social/self-help organization for years and we have new members all the time that have felt like you. That may be an avenue open to you as well.
Another thing is that I now have meds that work for me, correcting that chemical imbalance and genetic predisposition. Although depression is a crippling disease it is not incurable or unfathomable. There are therapy techniques to battle some of the more obvious conditions. If you have the know-how concerning being more social, then that makes it that much more conquerable. A lot of what inhibits you is directly a result of depression thinking, that is where CBT helps. So much of getting back into the social swing of things is getting past the part of you that tells you you can't do it.F
eal is our real enemy, and it can be overcome. Yours is not a lonely place, it just seems that way. Many here suffer as you do, you have read enough here to realize that. This is a good place to practice getting those social skills back. We can't dwell on past loses, mistakes and the like, we need to look forward, even if it seems insane. LOL
I can't really give you a bunch of lists or procedures that you could follow, the right way for you is within you, only you truly know what your deepest needs are. You are your own answer, sometimes it takes therapy that will guide you to your own answers. If that seems impossible now, know this, that somewhere within you lies the answers to your query.
So, treatment is the first step, if you are stable on meds, you should feel like becoming a part of again. If not, that might be the first thing you need to tackle. After that comes therapy. But once your meds start working you will find yourself looking outwardly instead of inwardly. Is there any community MH organization where you live? If so, might be something to explore.
You use many metaphors to describe your downward trip into despair, new metaphors are available to you if you want them. There are different lists here on DF, affirmations, that might help. I know of one in the SA room, you say you have abused alcohol, so that room ought not be a stranger to you. But in the Codependency Rx thread about half way through there is a list, actually several lists, of affirmations. They are better than the lies your depression is telling you.
And if you truly need and love people, maybe the recovery group working on codependency issue might appeal to you. But in all your paralyzed state of depression, it is you that can pull yourself out of the darkness you so vividly describe. In the mean time, this thread may bring you a friend or more as a start. But you can move around as well, there are others that can also share with you how they returned from where you now are in your life.
I hope all this lifts you just a millimeter, then you will understand that up is a direction as well as down. There is a duality in all things that exist, good and evil, man and woman, up and down and so forth. One only has to turn the coin over to see what has always seemed lost. I hope to see your spirits lift and I will pray for your insights into yourself. Like I said, your answers essentially lie within you. You best know your needs, so start seeing them as a possibility. There are too many people that have conquered their struggles with depression for me to think that you are somehow an exception. Your very needs tell me you are salvageable but that is your journey, you may find someone to join you on your journey, but you will always be the rudder.
BE Peace and BE Love...... wayne
I recently acknowledged something that I haven't truly acknowledged in the past two years of my slow descent into major depressive disorder (and subsequent breakdown, resulting in actual hospitalization).
The longetivity and severity of my loneliness.
I've known, discussed, and confronted other aspects of my serious depression. I've written about them, worked on them, coddled them, even, and cursed them. But it wasn't until this past month that the extent of my loneliness truly revealed itself to me. And it was an enlightening, if agonizing, recognition of something that has played a major role in my spiral into blackness. Yes, it's a result of the chemical imbalance and genetical component of my depression. I just hadn't realized that it was so bad.
My depression has caused me to isolate from the rest of the world (except my mother, father, and grandmother), when, before the DARK TIMES, I was a rabidly social animal. I had an entire network of friends, co-workers, you name it. I had the world. I was beloved, and I was the life of the party. By nature, I LOVE AND NEED PEOPLE. Please, please know that I'm not saying these things to sound egotistical or anything remotely like that. I've ALWAYS hated myself, and still do, so that's NOT AT ALL what I mean. Just trying to set up the scenerio, here.
Anyway, when the depression began to increase in intensity, followed by alcohol abuse in response to the pain, I withdrew from everyone, and lost them all. Well, they're still out there, but I lost the will to seek them out, to interact in their world, the world I used to inhabit so exuberantly. I lost myself to this black hole we know as "depression".
And I lost my previous relationship of five years. By my own choice. But now I don't have the safety, intimacy, and protection of that powerful bond, and I feel so tremendously alone, helpless, hopeless, and wretched, I don't know how to deal with it all.
So I guess my ultimate question is, how do you deal with the terrible process of managing your own life when you're deeply depressed, and all alone (especially when, previously, you had a life partner who held you when you were broken, and snatched you from the jaws of death over and over again)? He had ALWAYS been there for me, in my darkest days (before the DARK TIMES of my current depression, which has been the worst of my life), to hold me, to cherish me, to fight for, and to save me. And now there's nothing, no one. A void that I cannot resolve. And the loneliness, the lack of intimacy and support and love, is driving me deeper into the hell I already inhabit (it's not, by ANY stretch of the imagination, the ONLY problem driving me there, but it's a big one).
How do you address the monster of loneliness?
And am I, as I believe at this present moment, alone in this?