Feeling As Though Iím At The End Of The LineÖ
Posted 27 August 2007 - 08:57 PM
Age 0-10 had a pretty good childhood, although my upbringing shaped me into a bit of an introvert.
11-18. Moved house, disliked my new schools, but got through them in the end and had a few friends.
Up till the age of 18 Iíd never had a girlfriend. I met a girl over the net who lived quite far away. Looking back, she wasnít a very nice person, and physically unattractive, but I guess I was desperate (to love and be loved, and to prove I wasnít hopeless to my peers), so pursued the relationship and happily carried on with it for several months- mainly online (chats every day), but meeting several times in-between. Eventually I found out she was seeing another guy behind my back so I ended the relationship. I still cared for her a lot, so it was quite painful.
- This set me off on to a road of depression.
At about the same time most of my friends started to bully me for no apparent reason and got into crime and vandalism, so I didnít have much of a choice but to let go of my friendships.
I finished school and despite being quite a skilled artist and designer, I had difficulties finding work. I found a small web design job, which lasted 3 months before I was made redundant and forced back into unemployment.
It was about this time, after things had started to build up, that I had these extremely depressing episodes regarding a Ďfear of dyingí. Itís a fear Iíve carried with me since I was 4 or 5 years old (I even remember asking my mother the ďwhat happens when you die? QuestionĒ and how upset the thought of not existing made me). The fear occasionally tried to surface throughout my life up and I would try hard to suppress itÖ But one day (several years ago) I allowed the fear to surface- leading to panic attacks and days of endless cryingÖ
After I managed to suppress the fear again, I was left feeling generally depressed and negative- a feeling that Iíve never been able to shift 100% sinceÖ
I tried my hardest to get on with life- my dreams were to find a good job, make new friends and have a really close girlfriend. Those dreams kept me going up until now.
It was 5 years ago when I met with and dated the girl of my dreams via the internet- she was a lot more local, so could meet up more often. She was nearly perfect; loving, caring, attractive, understanding, shared nearly all of my obscure and specialized interests and we both wanted exactly the same thing outta life and a relationship. We dated for 5 years, had a extra-special relationship and were perfect for each other. The relationship made me so happy, helped me off anti-depressants and helped keep my other negative life issues at bay.
But then 3 weeks ago, she tells me she Ďdoesnít love me anymoreí, and ends everything we had togetherÖ
I couldnít believe it. Still canít believe it! I experienced severe panic attacks and a new type of despair knowing that Iíve not only lost something more precious to me than anything I can imagine, but also that it leaves me with a hopeless future amongst other things.
Iím not only back to where I started several years ago- jobless, friendless, no special woman in my life, but Iíve now got an overwhelming amount of hurt and pain to deal with, I feel the past 5 years of my life has not only been wasted, but even the positive memories are now stained with the hurt of my girlfriendís recent action.
My girlfriend was the only thing holding me together, and although I may be possessed by depression right now, it feels like reality has started to set in and reveal a very bleak future-
* My brain canít comprehend finding a new girlfriend even half as good as my X. So I will probably remain unhappily single for the rest of my life.
* Iíve developed physical problems which make my line of work very difficult. So I may never have the cool job Iíve always dreamed of and trained for.
* - These physical problems effect my hobbies, which even makes passing the time and doing other things I like difficult.
* I lack confidence, personal and social skills and seem unable to make friends despite trying.
When my lifeís dreams seem hopeless to achieve, I canít help but wonder if thereís any point to me carrying on with life.
The fact I have a huge fear of dying seems to keep my frequent thoughts of suicide at bay. But Iím now leading what feels like a pointless existence.
Iíve tried councillors, a therapist, self help books, 2 years of medication (prozac and effexor), even Ďpositive thinkingí group sessions, yet Iím still unhappy. I donít know what else to do and Iím feeling as though Iím at the end of the line.
I donít know why I wrote this as I can appreciate everyone has a life story and mineís nothing special in the eyes of a strangerÖ I guess to be honest, I just wanna see if anyone cares..
Posted 27 August 2007 - 09:23 PM
I am so sorry for everything you have gone through, and all of the fears you face. Things obviously haven't been easy for you.
You say you've tried meds and therapy... how long ago was this? Maybe the meds you were on weren't the right ones for you and you should give it a go again? or maybe your therapist wasn't the right one for you as well?
I know what its like to be in that darkness. But let me tell you there IS a silver lining. And you will find it!! You just have to nip this depression thing in the bud! Lots of people here have been through countless numbers of meds and therapists before they found the right fits for them. You just need to keep fighting and find your way out.
I believe there is someone out there for everyone, so your ex may not have been the one for you. I know you think she was perfect for you, but I believe there is someone better! and you will be hit with that love like a ton of bricks.
I wish you nothing but the best. Please keep posting and let us know how you are doing!
Posted 27 August 2007 - 09:50 PM
I dont really have any words at the moment, a bit speachless at the moment, but I am glad you wrote it as I can see your reaching out for help, advice something, to stop the loneliness the pain inside and we are here to help you through this part of your life.
Please keep posting and adding your thoughts,
Your an important person to us
and more Isabeau
We're our own dragons as well as our own heroes,
and we have to rescue ourselves from ourselves.
Posted 27 August 2007 - 10:15 PM
Did you ever stop to think how ironic it is that you are terrified of dying... yet you aren't really living?
I KNOW it feels right now like your life is completely empty, that there's nothing worth looking forward to... I think many of us have had our hearts broken before. And no matter what anybody tells you, NO ONE could possibly understand your pain, right? I know how it feels. It's terrible. You can't eat, you can't sleep, but you HAVE to move on, you HAVE to keep breathing, you HAVE to keep looking for positive things to keep living for.
You speak of problems in terms of jobs and friends. It sounds to me like you need a drastic life change. Take responsibility for your life. Maybe you should go back to school, pursue another career, try some new things you've always wanted to try but were always afraid to. Hey, if you're at the bottom of your rope, it can't hurt, right?
I hope you start to feel better. Feel free to message me whenever you want to talk.
Edited by Brain Stew, 27 August 2007 - 10:16 PM.
Posted 28 August 2007 - 11:10 AM
Looking Up: thankyou. I've been off meds for about 4 or 5 years. I would be lying if I said I felt they ever did anything positive for me so I'm reluctant to go back to them. Also having my girlfriend there for me for the last 5 years proved to be far more supportive than anything else I've tried, so I can't help but feel a new intimate relationship with a 'near perfect partner' is the only thing that will lift me back up. Although then I get depressed over the thought of a 'near perfect partner' being near impossible to find..
I was seeing a therapist, again, about 4 years ago. It started off positive but I found after the initial sessions of explaining my problems, I found it hard to know what to talk about, but perhaps this was duer to the fact I was feeling a little better in myself?
More recently, I went back to university two years ago and was seeing the university's own counsellor for several sessions. I was finding it very difficult to make friends at the time (in fact I never made any close friends up until the end of the 2 years). As with the therapy, it felt good to share my issues onto someone else, but didn't trust who I was speaking with...
I'll let you know if situations change..
Isabeau: Thanks. I appreciate the positive words. Sorry if I'm over analysing but I can imagine it's difficult for most to know how to react when someone effectively says 'my life is ruined and I have no future', but I really appreciate the fact you took the time to reply.
Jenn: Yes- I do realize how ironic it is to be both scared of dying, but scared of living! Frustrating and depressing too. Your advice of a drastic life change sounds exactly like what I'm after. I've been thinking today how a change of lifestyle and and particularly a change in attitude might help at least solve one or two of my problems. One issue that contributes to difficulties making relationships is the fact I am hooked up on wanting to be 'normal'. Today I seriously contemplated the option of accepting myself for who I am and not worry about the rest of society's expectations, then there' a chance I could find maybe a little happiness. Easier said than done and it wouldn't solve everything, but it's a positive thought at least.
Posted 28 August 2007 - 08:42 PM
Also having my girlfriend there for me for the last 5 years proved to be far more supportive than anything else I've tried, so I can't help but feel a new intimate relationship with a 'near perfect partner' is the only thing that will lift me back up. Although then I get depressed over the thought of a 'near perfect partner' being near impossible to find..
All I can really say to this is "no". No, she did not lift you up. You had a whole in your heart and she plugged it. That was all. Some people fill the void with drugs, some with alcohol, some with work, and some, like you, with love. But how much is it REALLY love if, really, all you're truly looking for is someone to make you feel whole? I know their were feelings involved, memories, work, emotional time, actual time, and energy involved, but really look at the truth of the situation. The cliche is annoying but true: you can't love someone else until you love yourself. I would say the absolute worst thing you could do for yourself right now would be to get into another relationship, to even *look*.
You need to work on YOU. You need to take responsibility for YOU. Stop depending on other people to fix you. They can't. People come and go. You, you're stuck with yourself for eternity. Losing people is really hard. Having your heart broken is really hard. But you can't fall apart. Love contributes to happiness, but you don't need to be in love to be happy. The reason why it helps is because its positive. Find other positive things in this world, because, as hard as it is to believe sometimes, there are positive things.
And I may be young, but I can still guarantee you that if you love yourself before starting another relationship, that a) you're going to attract more people (friends and girlfriends~!) and b) your relationships are going to be so much better.
Or you can take the easy route and just try to plug it up again. But you'll just come right back to this dark place. You don't have to come back here again. You can work your way out. And I think that if you fight this, you'll also get a lot of confidence in yourself. You *can* do this.
Posted 04 November 2007 - 10:52 AM
I know this is an old topic, but I thought I'd add some insight, since you kindly replied to my post.
For of all, don't feel at all guilty for writing out your problems on this forum, everyone does it, and when we feel depressed, we often feel extremely guilty, but we need to vent out problems, however small or big as a form of understanding them ourselves.
It seems like the way you felt with your girlfriend was in some way for you the atidote for your depression, and now she's gone it feels like a large part of your life is gone and feel even more depressed. I think perhaps you put too much a part of yourself into the relationship, and didn't be as independent as you could be. I on the other hand, just don't enter into relationships when I feel depressed, so I'm like the other extreme lol. Maybe, it would be great if you could have some time out not having a girlfriend, then you can learn to be yourself on your own, so when you do meet a girl, your relationship can be more like an extra bonus.
I don't know if this is for you, but I'm just concentrating on getting better again and getting my life together before I even attempt to get a boyfriend, that would be like the last icing on the cake for me. I'm gonna get myself on some tablets that work better for me (hopefully!), keep doing all that I do anyway to get myself better (therapy, excercise, healthy eating etc.), and work at my degree and then hopefully I'll start to get better, when I'm starting to get better I'll go out with my friends when I feel Ok. Then when I do feel better again (however long that's gonna take *sigh*, if I feel like it, I'll think about guys or a boyfriend again.
I think you should think about going on tablets again, they are so good, it does take ages to get it right, but make sure when you're trying to get better you lead as normal a life as possible if you're well enough- that's the mistake I made, I was at home all the time not doing much, so I felt better as thought I was.
I hope you start to feel better soon,
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