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What To Do If You Hate Yourself


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#1 Awaken

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Posted 01 June 2007 - 10:24 AM

Hey all, have had the worst day imaginable, all kicked off by waking up this morning with the full pangs of depression wrapped around my chest. It has just got steadily worse as the day has gone on.

I have reached the point where I hate who I am and who I have become. I wish so much that I could just shed my skin and leave this world. I permeate negativity and am so full of deep rooted anger from so many years of bottling it up that it has slowly become cancerous to myself and those around me.

I hate how I look, and the person I am, but my family have elevated me to such a high level because of my successes at university. I have hidden how I feel for so long that it is laughable. I am a walking sham, desperate not for people to see the failings of their prodigal son!

What can I do to like the person I am, its like walking around in a prison cell, there is no way of leaving it. I feel absolutely terrible right now, had a run in with a girl who means the world to me who gave me some home truths about my personality that although i was aware of, hit me so hard coming from her. She has gone home for the weekend now and it feels like the atmosphere left is really bad.

I think I will start my meds tonight, have been resisting for so long, but what choice do I have in the matter?

:(

#2 samblank

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Posted 01 June 2007 - 10:52 AM

Awaken
You are lucky to to be in a honest relationship. She told you what she was seeing to help you. That's what true friends do. You may need to explain to her that it will take a little time to get out of your depression, but you value her and want to keep it that way.

Edited by samblank, 01 June 2007 - 11:28 AM.

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#3 Awaken

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Posted 01 June 2007 - 10:54 AM

Awaken
You are lucky to have a true friend. She told you what she was seeing to help you. That's what friends do. You may need to explain to her that it will take a little time to get out of your depression, but you value her as a friend and want to keep it that way. Good friends see each other through the good times and the bad times.



She has no idea that I have battled depression for so long, I have never told her. I think she would just think I was whinging if I did tell her...and besides, I have fallen in love with her which complicates things perfectly (I have a great skill for landing myself in these messes)

#4 jeffster84

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Posted 01 June 2007 - 11:13 AM

the original post sounds exactly like clinical depression. And it sounds as if it has taken over your thought processes. And believe me, the medication works.

Be aware though that the medication is not going to be easy. You'll probably feel worse before you feel better and they take a long time to work. But they are worth it. After a few months you will be looking back and feel grateful to be free of your prison.
If a pencil rolls, is it still stationary?

#5 KateBushRockz

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Posted 01 June 2007 - 12:22 PM

I hate myself too. I've been on ADs for over 2 years now. My feelings of self hate and depression have completely taken over my life.

Whatever I do, I cannot actually like myself. I feel totally worthless - and no matter what people tell me I just can't believe them.

#6 Awaken

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Posted 01 June 2007 - 01:40 PM

Does anyone get the sensation that they are physically trapped inside their body, as if the mind becomes aware that it is inside something?

I hope the medication works, I really cant take another day like today, and obviously people are starting to notice for them to make comments. It had to come from the one I care about the most though and I desperately don't want her to know that I have depression.

#7 Lucinda

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Posted 01 June 2007 - 01:48 PM

Awaken,
Well, you mentioned success at the University....so, that leads me to believe that your grade point average is fairly high. That's one thing you can like about yourself. You must have some degree of dedication and pride to do well in school.
Do something for your self-esteem, something that will give you a sense of well-being. Take a look at walking outside somewhere in the country or mountains, yoga, dance, bike riding. Maybe if you have an artistic eye, start drawing. Cartoon drawing is always fun and with practice, anyone can get good at it.
Try making a list of all the good things about you and your life. Then, write the bad things. I'll bet the good out-weigh the bad. It's just when we are depressed, one bad thing can consume and overshadow all that is good.
The meds may help. Do you have anyone to talk to confidentially? Therapist?
Peace,
Lucinda

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Tell whoso hath sorrow
Grief never shall last:
E'en as joy hath no morrow
So woe shall go past."
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#8 Awaken

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Posted 01 June 2007 - 02:03 PM

Aww that smiley was really cute!


I don' really have anyone to talk to. I have done the speaking therapy, cognitive stuff and whilst it has helped for a short period, I feel that even with a stranger, I am unable to open up fully and divulge my biggest secrets.
I am very much of a control freak, I don't like people feeling sorry for me, or showing concern, I dislike having attention put on me, and when you are unwell that is what tends to happen. My family are all so proud of me (I am graduating from music college in July with an expected first class honors) and I wonder how on earth I have managed to keep a lid on things without people knowing. I have had to be very careful, and often bottle things up, put on masks so that people don't suspect and then take myself away and release it somehow, by crying or listening to music.

I do try to go out and take walks as much as possible, but I have lived a pretty sloitary life thus far and wish I had just 1 special person to share things with. The problem with walking around the park is that you always see couple walking hand in hand which kind of hurts a little but I know I should not be jealous. I don't even know if I could handle a grown up relationship even though I really want one!

#9 KateBushRockz

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Posted 01 June 2007 - 04:02 PM

My family are all so proud of me (I am graduating from music college in July with an expected first class honors) and I wonder how on earth I have managed to keep a lid on things without people knowing.


This sounds SO familiar. I got a first for my degree, I don't know how I did it feeling so ill.

I think you should take heart from the fact that you're doing so well in college though.

I also feel at times that I am sort of trapped inside a shell (my body) and it IS like my mind is aware it's inside something...It's SO strange isn't it!?

You're not alone :)

#10 Lek

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Posted 01 June 2007 - 06:30 PM

It had to come from the one I care about the most though and I desperately don't want her to know that I have depression.


Awaken: I suspect that she has a pretty good idea and that she cares enough about you to "give it" to you. Perhaps thank her for her honesty and tell her that it was the kick in the butt to get you to face that you have been experiencing depression and to start on your medication. Just an idea.


I have done the speaking therapy, cognitive stuff and whilst it has helped for a short period, I feel that even with a stranger, I am unable to open up fully and divulge my biggest secrets.


Have you considered group therapy? Since you're at university, you might check to see if there is a group you can join. In any event, group therapy can be extremely valuable in dealing with self-esteem issues and a lot more. Usually, when you join a group you're asked about any goals you have in therapy. I'd suggest saying that one of your goals is to open up fully and divulge your biggest secrets. Of course, you don't have to open and divulge immediately, but you kind of make a commitment to yourself to work toward doing that.

I am very much of a control freak, I don't like people feeling sorry for me, or showing concern, I dislike having attention put on me...


Well, that sounds like a d*** good recipe for keeping people at arm's length. We all need attention, concern, compassion, support, and love--and perhaps you need to consider that you don't have the right to deny yourself nurturing and love. People show us what is wonderful about us, but you have to lift your head up and look into their eyes to see how wonderful and lovable you really are. That voice of self-hatred you've been listening to is the evil, lying voice of Depression.

I'm glad you can cry, and I suspect you're in a lot of pain. You're using so much energy putting on masks, trying to control how others feel... It's time to heal, don't you think?

You are worth all the work it will take to help yourself heal. It is worth working to peel off the layers of protection you've built up around you. It is worth learning to love yourself. That's where all your energy should be focused, in my humble opinion!

You deserve to love--yourself and others--and you deserve allowing others to love you.

Edited by Lek, 02 June 2007 - 07:34 AM.

"For every beauty, there is an eye somewhere to see it. For every truth, there is an ear somewhere to hear it. For every love, there is a heart somewhere to receive it." -Ivan Panin (1855-1942), Russian mathematician

#11 Awaken

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Posted 02 June 2007 - 06:22 AM

Thank you for that last post, it was really wise words and helped a lot. I have had depression on and off for the past 7 years, with anxiety and ocd (fairly mild ocd) and have a lot of self esteem issues.

I am trying to put right the things that have gone wrong, I have a very negative outlook, am deeply sarcastic (which can be humorous but is often just a way of me venting my deep rooted anger) and I think it is time to get rid of all the bad feelings that run through my veins.

Over the last few years at uni I have learnt about myself that I am very opinionated, argumentative, find it difficult to listen to authority and am generally one hell of a tough cookie. I am incredibly demanding of others in terms of the level of commitment and perfection I expect from them. I think i am stand offish and generally repel people around me. The few friends I have do care for me but this is because they have had time to understand my mannerisms and personality.

I am going to try my hardest over the next few weeks, whilst on my meds to eliminate any sarcasm, or nasty comments, relax my attitude to others and generally be a nice guy.....if I can !

#12 jesluvmk

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Posted 02 June 2007 - 08:23 AM

I find it tough to take my meds also. I try so hard to not get to that place, but somehow, no matter how hard I try, I always seem to get back in the same place again. Sometimes I don't even realize how hard I'm falling until my friend mentions it. She can tell me straight out about how moody I can be and how unsupportive I can be when I get lost in my own little world...things I would never see. And that is even more difficult as she is my boss. My husband never seems to notice or will never give me that type of feedback. Then I see that I have lost the fight, am hurting others around me...and go back on meds for a while.

Give your meds a try and see if you still feel as desperate as you do now. Good luck!

#13 TheFloor

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Posted 12 June 2008 - 07:57 PM

Hey all,

I was feeling down....again....and i found this website. i figured this would be a good place to talk about how i feel. I dont know how to describe how i feel when i get depressed but its just a hopeless sinking feeling. I just dont know who to talk to. Im an entertainer, playwright, comedian. Not big time famous or anything, but known quite well in my area. everyone thinks im the happiest person on the planet, but i feel mmiserable so much. like ill never be happy. My sister has clinical depression and it runs strong in my family, my parents took it so hard when she was diagnosed and i cant bring myself to tell them how i feel. I cant understand why im so sad. i have everything i coudl ever need. My dream job a smart funny gourgous long-term girlfriend, a great faimly, terriffic friends, my health, so many people tell me they look up to me and i still think im worthless. plz can someone tell me where to start?

#14 NickyLynn

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Posted 13 June 2008 - 10:00 PM

I know about the pangs and hating who you are. I have so much shame about every unlikable thing about me. And outwardly, like you, I seem succesful and happy. My husband knows and that's about it.

I tell my husband when my depression started about 2 months ago - that was the day I died. I was a regular person and now I died. I desperately want a do-over.

If it weren't for my loving parents, husband, children and grandmas, I doubt I would have seen any reason to live. And what's funny is - I think I judge the most vile people on earth - serial killers, pedophiles to be just a little more redeemable than I am. And I don't know why.

I really miss loving life. I took the regular joys of a normal day for granted. It's like losing an arm or something. You're never quite the same.

#15 DGirl

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Posted 15 January 2010 - 11:32 AM

Hello.I am new at this forum and searching it a little I thought this is the right place where I can post.

I don't know where to start from.I feel depressed over and over again.I am just 17 years old.I finished high school earlier and went to university.Before I started university I thought that it would be nice to start something new,that I could have hope in my life but my hopes and dreams crashed.I used to be one of the best students in my school,but now I am the worst one.My parents don't believe in me anymore,they are disapointed because I haven't passed any od the exams..
I am also disapointed in myself too.I don't have a love life,don't have a boyfriend -NEVER HAD HIM! I feel fat 'cause I am..And simply I don't know what to do..
I spend sometimes whole nights on crying and crying but that doesn't solve problems..:((
I haven't been out for a month and when I go out I don't feel like I am a good company.My friends are so good-looking,and they say me that I am too serious and talk too much serious..................
I would like to go to a therapist,or to take some meds..But honestly,my parents don't know anything above or how I even think.I can't tell them anything cause I already let them down with not being enough good as I should be.So,my only solution is to try to search over the Net about stuffs like this and people feeling the same way as I am feeling..

I can't stop thinking..And I don't thing about anything :S
What am I suppoused to do?

#16 shio

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Posted 16 January 2010 - 11:45 AM

It's very difficult to stop thinking negativly or to try and think of positive things when I feel depressed. I always feel fat, ugly and alone.
The only 2 family members that tell me to 'stop thinking that way! You are not fat and ugly', are my second mom and my step sister.
I appreciate their support but it's not that easy to just stop.
~ If you could just open up to other people, you'd soon find that you have more than one safe haven.~
Major depression, PTSD, Borderline Personality Disorder, Anxiety
 

#17 AngelOfTheMoor

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Posted 17 January 2010 - 02:06 PM

I wish I knew. :shocked: I've tried everything I could possibly think of, and my family reassures me that I'm a good person. But I can't make the self-hatred go away.

#18 Shadowfox58

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Posted 14 March 2010 - 03:23 AM

I just can't deal with myself anymore. I loathe me. And maybe the worst part is that I can't tell anyone. Not really. I'm also in college and I'm doing well (or at least my parents think so). They say that they want to know what I'm feeling, but it's just so clear that anything that hurts me hurts them ten times more, and I just couldn't deal with causing them that kind of pain.

I never really liked myself, but I just had this... incredible faith that there was something magic about going to college. Something would spark, or click, or just fit so perfectly that, poof, life would make sense. You would figure out who you were supposed to be and go about becoming them. Didn't really happen that way. I never really knew how heavily I relied upon that faith in the future until it was gone. Kind of like putting off payment on your credit card... I postponed the self-hatred of my teenage years, day by day, on the belief that self-respect and self-confidence would eventually appear and wipe all my debts clean. Now all of that hatred is coming due.

I know that I'm not really depressed, not medically anyways, so I'm sorry if I'm intruding. I just needed to talk. I just don't see the point anymore. Like life is one of those games that you got obsessed with when you were little, and I've hit the moment where you realized that the game... doesn't really matter. The moment you realize that you're putting your time and energy into something that just sucks you dry and doesn't give you anything. It's just been so D*** long since I was actually, truly, happy. My competitiveness turns every activity I enjoy into something I hate. It's a vicious cycle- if I like something, I get competitive. Then I lose. Then I hate myself for losing. But I can't quit because I'm too competitive. I try to remind myself that I enjoy it, but mostly I just end up frustrated and furious with myself.

My drug of choice is insomnia. If I can reach that point of sleeplessness when you're only staying awake by the power of your will... then I can live with myself. Then my inhibitions are rubbed so raw that I can actually write about how I'm feeling. Then even the pointlessness of my own existence doesn't seem so bad.

I could never talk to anyone in person about this. But the self-hate, the anger is so bad that I just don't know how to deal with it anymore. I wish there was a way to feel better, but I know I don't deserve it. I should be able to deal with this. When that burning rage comes over me, I should be able to dissolve it without banging my head into the wall or cutting myself or sinking into a day-long pit of depression... but I just don't know how.

#19 Wandering_Wondering

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Posted 29 March 2010 - 07:04 PM

Thanks for sharing so honestly everyone. Its always helpful to remember we are not alone in our feelings and even though most people don't experience what we feel, there are at least a few of us who struggle the way we do and can relate and empathize.

I'm feeling the self loathing right now as well. Feeling utterly trapped and hopeless. My life just feels like an endless cycle of feeling depressed. And each time I start to feel like I am enjoying life, I feel afraid to be happy because I know let down and sorrow are right around the corner.

What to do if you hate yourself?


I find the following sometimes help:

- Strenuous exercise to get the endorphins pumping
- Try to remember that the feelings of depression are merely an imbalance of neurochemicals and that I need to find ways of stimulating the right ones (repeat: "depression is a chemical reaction, not my identity!")
- Looking back at pictures of my travels or old friends
- Make a list of things I have accomplished that are important to me
- Force myself to be around people (one of the hardest things to do! but it can help get your mind off of your inner angst)
- Throw myself into some form of work, clean my apartment, organize something (also hard to do but sometimes works)
- Reckless abandon: give up caring about your responsibilities and just do the first thing that sounds fun
- Try to believe that happiness is a choice, not a reaction (feels impossible at times but I believe its true)


And remember, you are not alone, see this quote from Abraham Lincoln:
"I am now the most miserable man living. If what I feel were equally distributed to the whole human family, there would not be one cheerful face on the earth. Whether I shall ever be better I can not tell; I awfully forebode I shall not. To remain as I am is impossible; I must die or be better, it appears to me."


Onward.

Edited by Wandering_Wondering, 29 March 2010 - 07:07 PM.


#20 hetairai

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Posted 10 June 2010 - 01:45 PM

- Try to believe that happiness is a choice, not a reaction (feels impossible at times but I believe its true)


Someone needs to burn that truism on my retinas!

#21 Vlight

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Posted 24 December 2010 - 01:08 PM

Funny I never thought I was depressed up until lately
I should have noticed
For one I can't seem to stay around people
I can't make friends
I used to have friends but then it was a long time ago. I just hate myself. It's not like I thought about finishing myself off or something.I'm 24 and not accomplished anything in my life also made me hate myself more. I don't like being me but it's like impossible to change. I want to be a happy person. I've always been just there you know not happy or sad. When people talk about their childhood memories I have nothing. I have nothing memorable. I've always been an 'A' student. Growing up I saw nothing wrong with just studying. I worked hard to get that place. I'm no where near being a genius. I always had to work hard. My parents used to be very proud of me. Now I have nothing they can be proud of. I think I wanted it to happen. I wanted to try being true to myself. I just don't know how it will turn out. I feel bad that I can't look after my parents. They expect me to. I just don't know. I'm so used to looking after my mother emotionally. I think I'm unable to show my emotions. I always had to stay clam so my mother can have a breakdown heh. My parents think they were the best parents in the world. I really don't have a heart to say they weren't. If I could I would do it over. I want a whole new me. I'm also very shy and I blame myself for a lot of things. I always feel that I should do better. I really want to change. It seems easy to change and be happy but for me it impossible.
Thanks for reading. I needed to get things out of my chest. I really don't have anyone I can talk to. People seems so distant to me.

#22 markh

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Posted 24 December 2010 - 01:14 PM

Awaken
You are lucky to to be in a honest relationship. She told you what she was seeing to help you. That's what true friends do. You may need to explain to her that it will take a little time to get out of your depression, but you value her and want to keep it that way.


Sorry to hijack this thread a tiny bit, but i very much like samblanks profile picture of the jet! i like that!

On another note, for someone to tell you the truth was quite brave of her. The truth hurts, especially those who are feeling a bit fragile, or depressed, why not think a bit more about what was said, and try to look at it from another angle? i know, its easier to say than it is to do, but have a think about that, you'll suprise yourself!
"Golf; a perfect way to ruin a good walk". Winston Churchill.

" You may fire at will!"
"which one's will sir; do you know these people??"

#23 anonymousME

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Posted 17 April 2011 - 09:17 PM

Hey all, have had the worst day imaginable, all kicked off by waking up this morning with the full pangs of depression wrapped around my chest. It has just got steadily worse as the day has gone on.

I have reached the point where I hate who I am and who I have become. I wish so much that I could just shed my skin and leave this world. I permeate negativity and am so full of deep rooted anger from so many years of bottling it up that it has slowly become cancerous to myself and those around me.

I hate how I look, and the person I am, but my family have elevated me to such a high level because of my successes at university. I have hidden how I feel for so long that it is laughable. I am a walking sham, desperate not for people to see the failings of their prodigal son!

What can I do to like the person I am, its like walking around in a prison cell, there is no way of leaving it. I feel absolutely terrible right now, had a run in with a girl who means the world to me who gave me some home truths about my personality that although i was aware of, hit me so hard coming from her. She has gone home for the weekend now and it feels like the atmosphere left is really bad.

I think I will start my meds tonight, have been resisting for so long, but what choice do I have in the matter?

:(


Everyone has at least ONE good quality. When I really hate myself, it's usually a lot easier to focus on one or two good qualities I can think of because when I list more than one or two, they all seem ridiculous and I just don't think they even count. Maybe too many good things are too much for depressed people to handle.

#24 Neko

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Posted 17 April 2011 - 09:52 PM

Does anyone get the sensation that they are physically trapped inside their body, as if the mind becomes aware that it is inside something?


I have felt this since I was a kid. I even thought dying would solve this.

My family are all so proud of me (I am graduating from music college in July with an expected first class honors) and I wonder how on earth I have managed to keep a lid on things without people knowing. I have had to be very careful, and often bottle things up, put on masks so that people don't suspect and then take myself away and release it somehow...

I do try to go out and take walks as much as possible, but I have lived a pretty sloitary life thus far and wish I had just 1 special person to share things with.

I am very opinionated, argumentative, find it difficult to listen to authority and am generally one hell of a tough cookie. I am incredibly demanding of others in terms of the level of commitment and perfection I expect from them. I think i am stand offish and generally repel people around me.


Awaken....are you my long lost twin? All of this sounds so much like me. Well, I am not into music though.




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