Depression - Road to recovery

Shut Away

Sat, 07 Nov 2009 07:46:38 -0600

Shut Away

I wonder Lord how many people in the world are shut away,
Not in prisons, or hospitals, or institutions,
But in their own homes.
Not through illness or old age,
But because they cannot cope with people,
Or the world around them.

How many shun the company of other people
Because they cannot relate to them in a meaningful way.
How many are judged anti-social,
Or arrogant, or rude,
When their main problem is really fear?

Society lays down rules to which the majority conform
But what of those who can't conform?
Or those who don't want to conform
Even though they are not hurting others?
Are they forever damned
Because of their inability to be the same?
"All men are born equal",
But is there no room for the individual?

How many are condemned to a life alone
Because of barriers they cannot cross?
Because they feel that they are on one side of them
And the rest of the world is on the other.
I wonder Lord how many people in the world are shut away?

Duvets

Wed, 04 Nov 2009 14:52:27 -0600

I really need a warm duvet but i'm in 2 minds about getting one. Goose down duvets are the warmest - and lightest - but the animal cruelty issue bothers me a bit, well, quite a lot actually.

Does anyone have a goose down duvet? Or if you don't, would you have any concerns about getting one?

I'm not one to judge so don't worry about that. I'm still musing over getting one anyway.

There are good quality synthetic fibre duvets available, but i don't know how warm they are compared to goose down.

Patience And Persistence Pays

Mon, 02 Nov 2009 23:18:30 -0600

A number of weeks ago I signed up and posted about my desperate situation - no family, no (useful) friends, total isolation.

My Novembers are usually extremely bad for depression and anxiety. Since I posted I've been consistently going out to groups (support and activity) rather than hovering around the apartment ruminating, realizing I badly needed real people contacts, esp. for November.

As luck (and/or persistence) would have it, I've run into a few new (and old) people who I'm hoping will keep me engaged enough to fend off the worst of my usual Nov. funk. As it turns out, they're understanding, kind, meaningful and supportive, and appreciative of my friendship. Now my biggest worry is doing something stupid enough to lose any of them, as November is historically my big month for fallouts.

The best thing I did over the past 10 months was to let go of two toxic friendships. In addition to driving my depression and anxiety and lowering my self-esteem, they were impeding any social progress. Unfortunately, it left a huge social vacuum for some time.

Anyway, I think (hope?) I'm winning at this time, and wanted to share this in case it may benefit anyone. I very much appreciate this forum! I know I'll need it from time to time, and also hope to be able to provide help where I can.

Happy Halloween!

Sat, 31 Oct 2009 20:14:46 -0500

Happy Halloween Everyone!

Hubby, Kiddo and I went trick or treating today and got us a lot of candy, we dressed our kiddo up as Superman.

Did you do anything fun for Halloween? What is your favorite Halloween Costume?
What's your favorite Candy?

I used to dress up as Genie when I was little and my favorite candies are the tiny Reeses.

New Plan

Thu, 29 Oct 2009 02:31:05 -0500

Recent events have forced upon me certain inevitable conclusions based on reality rather than mere fantasy (something I often get drawn into) and so I am setting a new plan with new goals that can be achieved, it's rather something I'd hoped was not the case but I feel it is the best way.

I've decided on the following:

1. Depression so encompasses my waking thoughts that it's basically all I think about, because of this I've decided to not pursue any relationships as it invariably would have an effect on them. I'm instead going to focuse on overcoming the idea I need a relationship at all to gain happiness.

2. I'm going to concentrate on finding a job ASAP because I need the money and even though I was fired for a rather stupid reason last month it's been around 2 months and no unemployment (I doubt they'll approve it) thus my funds run out in January at which time I loose my car.

3. I will actively goto the beach alone and merely relax once I establish some financial stability, I will not pursue social interaction in any way because it just depresses me more seeing how many friends they all have. I will use this time to focuse on improving my self esteem and realizing I don't need anyone to be happy.

Those are the few things for now, I'm going to think of more later.

Going To Spain Alone!! Need Suggestions Where 2 Go??

Wed, 28 Oct 2009 08:09:22 -0500

Hi all,
I've decided to take a trip to Spain...need to get away and I've never been. I know the language so I'll be ok. I'm 27 and a female so I'm questioning my safety. I didn't know where to fly into, so I figured maybe someone here knew or had the experience. Any suggestions would help!! I'll take advice on places to visit as well. Thanks..

Self Help Books For Anxiety (and/or Panic Attacks)

Tue, 27 Oct 2009 22:20:02 -0500

Ever since I was little I started having anxiety along with a few panic attacks but now it has gotten out of control, my pdoc appt is still a bit over 4 weeks away (/sigh) and I'm trying to stay positive about things even though I'm more and more going through a low right now. I'm looking through amazon right now and there are a lot of books on anxiety as well as a lot of different work books for anxiety and panic attacks. I want to know if anyone here has used a good book to work on their anxiety and panic attacks and if they would recommend it and why.

Can I Work While My Disability Claim Is Filed?

Tue, 27 Oct 2009 20:01:01 -0500

I just got out of the looney house the other day. I've been given the title Major Depression. I've been off work now for about 3 weeks and I'm out of sick pay and annual leave. I just filed my claim today for disability (U.S.). But I need money and my house is going through foreclosure. I am on fmla leave so my job is there if i want it. If I go back to work until I hear from the social security office, could take months, will it disqualify me for benefits?

Live Chat?

Sun, 25 Oct 2009 23:53:09 -0500

Does anyone use this???

I am all alone in there lol just wondering if i should keep it up while on DF?? :)

Anyone Read Any Good Books Lately??

Sat, 24 Oct 2009 19:10:48 -0500

Any book sugguestions? What is your favourite book? I need something positive to get my mind wrapped up in :) :)

Thanks so much!

Fun Intro Quiz!

Sat, 24 Oct 2009 00:24:38 -0500

So i am new ;) And i guess i am creative lol I wanted to intoduce me in a positive way so thought i would make an intro quiz for you to all get to know me :) **i am sorry if this is not as creative as i thought :P ** Please feel free to fill out the quiz if you would like :)

Name?

Age?

Country I live in?

What I suffer with that I am aware of?

My fave tv show?

My fave book?

My fave thing in the whole world?

My inspiration?

My goal in life?

************************************************

Name? Manda *sad_angel*

Age? 28

Country I live in? Canada eh ?! ;)

What I suffer with that I am aware of? Depression, PTSD, GAD, SI

My fave tv show? So you think you can dance :)

My fave book? Twilight Series <3

My fave thing in the whole world? My puppy - Buddy *I love him so much* and ..... tacos :) hehe

My inspiration? My mom <3

My goal in life? To be happy & feel content - to be a mom and a good wife <3
one day to be a nurse and help others :)

(edit for sp)

Counselling

Fri, 23 Oct 2009 11:57:52 -0500

I started counselling today and it helped me so much. She helped me realise that i have strength inside and that i struggle some times to find that strength. She helped me realise that iv got through a lot in the past and iv stood up for myself even though the ods where against me and that even though when i was in hospital i did not know if i was going to make it ,i managed to keep it together.

Its made me feel good about myself and my counsellor said that i need to hold on to those thoughts when things get hard. She says i need to take time to breathe and she said that she wants me to find things that i like doing things that make me feel good about myself and fill my time with those things. She said take off with my camera and go take some nice photos and she said she would like to see my photos.

I cried a lot on and off but today lifted my spirit and i feel like no matter what happens i will make it through. I believe that i will be able to move out in the new year and live my life how i want to.

I just feel that todays session helped me so much and she gave me the greatest thing anyone could have given me and that was help in realizing the above things about myself and they make me feel good inside and like i can rise above the negative things going on at home.

My Photo Album

Fri, 23 Oct 2009 06:03:58 -0500

I have just added my photo album to the Gallery if anyone is interested in photos of my family taken during happier times

I Got This Funny Email Today & Just Had To Share It!

Fri, 23 Oct 2009 04:00:25 -0500

THE MUM TEST

I was out walking with my 4-year-old daughter. She picked up something off of the ground and started to put it in her mouth.
I took the item away from her and I asked her not to do that.
'Why?' my daughter asked.
'Because it's been on the ground; you don't know where it's been, it's dirty,
And probably has germs,' I replied.
At this point, my daughter looked at me with total admiration and asked,
'Mum, how do you know all this stuff? You are so smart.'
I was thinking quickly and replied, 'All mums know this stuff. It's on the Mum Test. You have to know it, or they don't let you be a Mum.'
We walked along in silence for 2 or 3 minutes, but she was evidently pondering this new information.
'Oh.....I get it!' she beamed, 'So if you don't pass the test you have to be the dad.'
'Exactly,' I replied with a big smile on my face.

Fmla Depresion

Thu, 22 Oct 2009 16:27:47 -0500

i recently had to take time off of work due to depression-and anxiety/panic attacks
i have a note from my Dr. However the paperwork that has to be filled out is pretty extensive.. im afraid if i put depression- anxiety that it wont be approved.. what if my symptoms aren't good enough

Positive Thinking, Cbt Books, Affirmations Etc

Wed, 21 Oct 2009 11:06:39 -0500

Hi,

Well I have read Tons of books over the years, positive thinking, CBT, Getting out of Depression Fast, Depression is a choice and the list goes on and on.

The one theme that is contained in most of these books is 'you are what you think you are' e.g. ' if you think you are worthless well you are probably right' (because your thinking makes it so)

Now when I was depressed, and I read some of my regular books (if could concentrate at all) I did not find positive thinking possible, CBT steps were also impossible as I was so unmotivated and slept most of the time.

What is/was your favourite book and what help was it to you in your depression?

Jim Bow

Feel Like I'm Making Progress

Wed, 21 Oct 2009 08:12:07 -0500

I hope it might be encouraging to others reading in the forum to hear about someone who is having some quite good days and feels like she is making some real progress working through depression. I want to stress that I realize having a few good days does NOT mean I'm well and that all the darkness is behind me. But, as my counselor points out, my lows are not as low as they were a few months ago. I guess the best thing about my current "high" is that I feel hopeful. I'm also finding the motivation to get some things done that need doing.

Let me share what I've done that seems to be helping. When I felt at wit's end last August I took several steps that have proved to be wise ones, or maybe just lucky. I went to see a specially trained nurse practitioner who started me on bio-identical hormone therapy to help end the menopausal hot flashes that I knew were contributing to the maddening insomnia I was having. As it turned out she was also able and willing to prescribe an anti-depressant for me - paroxetine (Paxil) - because I was on a waiting list to see a psychiatrist at the community mental health clinic. I began having sessions with a therapist at that clinic and got lucky there in getting a really sweet. empathetic young woman. I should mention that I'm in the US, without health insurance, and was able to pay a modest amount for services there because they have a sliding scale of fees. They are supported by the local United Way. My therapist directed me to the book Grieving Mindfully by Sameet Kumar and this along with some others has helped me to understand that I can use this experience to grow in understanding and compassion. I also reached out to a handful of women friends who are scattered across the continent and through emails they offered support, understanding, and sometimes just useful diversion. I have forced myself to continue almost daily exercise - that is walking for me - even on days when I didn't want to. I haven't felt like eating a lot or cooking so I've kept some simple healthy things around like apples and bananas and grapes and yogurt and cottage cheese just so I'm not tempted to live on junk food.

I have also been helped a lot by time spent with my lovely young daughter and dear little grandson. Because I have realized the importance of other people in my life I have decided to sell the country place where I've been living and move to an apartment in town nearer my daughter and other social opportunities. (No, I will never become a truly outgoing person!)

I was having a lot of ups and down for many weeks and have now changed from one 10 mg. paroxetine to two a day. I think this is making a real difference. I will at long last get to see the psychiatrist next week for her opinion.

I know, as you probably do too, that I could be sitting here later today dissolved in tears and wrapped in a grey cloud. If so I hope I can remember "This too shall pass".

Gonna Try To Make Some Changes...

Wed, 21 Oct 2009 06:48:04 -0500

The first things that come to mind are the basics. In DBT (Dialectical Behavioral Therapy), these are the PLEASE MASTER skills:

Skill: Treat physical illness; take medication as prescribed
Action: Nothing (right now, I'm okay with this part)

Skill: Balance eating
Action: Stop eating take-out

Skill: Avoid mood-altering drugs
Action: Cut down alcohol; cut down cigarettes

Skill: Balance sleeping
Action: Go to bed between 11PM and 1AM each night; no daytime napping

Skill: Get exercise
Action: Get at least 20 minutes of exercise each day

Skill: Build mastery
Action: Do at least one hour of schoolwork each day

There's more--much more--that I need to be doing. But I'll get into the rest later. The basics already have me a bit overwhelmed.

Crazy, But Things I Did To Keep Myself From Going Crazy

Mon, 19 Oct 2009 05:07:15 -0500

About a year ago I went through a really terrible situation at work. I did not know what else to do...I needed to support myself but I also wanted justice...but overall I was terribly depressed and suicidal. My boss was so inappropriate towards me (touching me and telling me jokes about who he slept with) and my co-workers had some serious issues...I eventually filed a worker's comp claim. It was horrible going through that process. The worker's comp person kept trying to say I was depressed because I had an abusive boyfriend (so not true!) and that I had "interpersonal difficulties." I had to see several doctors who all had access to my medical records (totally embarrassing and so invasive). I finally won my case in March of 09. I have been off of work for a year. I wasn't depressed before any of this happened but then after going through this, I found myself without a job, totally depressed, and and abandoned by all my so called friends at work. Here I was a therapist who had dealt with depressed people but never really went through it myself.

I started taking Prozac in the beginning, but it didn't help me much. I was in such shock...sort of going through PTSD. I had therapy visits with the worker's comp therapist (and still continue to see him, but not as much) and it was so hard for me and difficult to talk about stuff (but eventually I did).

It was really hard for me to get out of bed some mornings (and sometimes still is) and I just wanted to give up. I felt so alone. I couldn't sleep, couldn't think straight, and wasn't motivated to do anything. I started engaging in some crazy things (well maybe crazy to me) but I credit these things for helping me through the most difficult time of my life. (Caution, I wasn't able to do all these things in the beginning time frame of my depression...I was still in shock but gradually overtime I started engaging in this stuff) By the way, these are all things I could do myself...after all I couldn't have my boyfriend around me all the time or my therapist at my beck and call.

1. Ebay. I couldn't sleep at night and I had horrible thoughts of doing some bad things to myself. It helped looking at ebay. I know it sounds weird but looking at all that stuff (and I looked at some weird stuff...geeze I can't believe there is a market for some of that crap...lol) helped me pass the lonely nights and gave me a little something to look forward.

2. Making a very very short list of things to accomplish. One day all I had on the list was to return a book back to the store. I did it and I know it seems like a small thing, but that was actually a big thing. It required me to get out of bed, get dressed in decent clothing, get out of the house, and interact with people. Crossing it off the list made me feel great. I had accomplished something (when it seem like I couldn't accomplish anything) and it made me have a sense of control and normalcy back in my life.

3. Baking. Man would I bake some crap. My boyfriend loved it! It required me to concentrate and focus on something (which is so hard to do when you are depressed). Plus I had to time it so it wouldn't burn...sounds strange but after baking, I was like hmmm, I just got through the last thirty minutes and I am okay.

4. Drawing. It is similar to baking. It requires you to focus and concentrate thus getting your mind away from the trauma for a bit. It didn't matter what I drew...My boyfriend got me some books and it took a lot to look at the book on how to do it and then apply it to paper. It was very soothing and time really passed quickly for me.

5. Watching/listening to comedians. I just don't mean any old comedians but I went for the really shocking and offensive (to some) comedy. I would listen or watch it and be like, they said what? How could they say that? After awhile I would either be laughing or in shock but it got my mind away from my troubles.

6. Making a list of things to be thankful for. This can be so hard to do when you are feeling down. Some of the stuff I wrote seemed silly and pointless but it was my list and I couldn't right the same thing twice. When I was really grabbing at the straws, I wrote things like I was thankful for having long hair or that I had all my fingers...lol. Silly and small but it helped all the same.

These are just some of the things I did. I did join this group back in Dec of 08 and it sort of helped at the time, but most of the time I didn't post many things and I just couldn't deal with it then. By the way, thank you to the very kind people who responded to my posts...I needed to know that I wasn't alone and some very kind people had some supportive things to say.

I started taking Prozac again and this time it helped...I think I had to get out of the shock and trauma of what I was dealing with at work before anything could help me. I still see the worker comp therapist and he has helped. I am unemployed, don't want to go back to my previous career (after years of college and student loans still to pay), and still have a lot of unanswered questions about what direction I want my life to move in. There are days that are still hard to get through but I will not go back to that person I was...I don't know who that person was but I am not her anymore! Even though going through this sucks and was hard...I glad I did. It really has opened my eyes about what kind of person I want to be and what I believe in.

If there are any readers still around after this really really long post (sorry) I just want to let you know that you are a wonderful person, you deserve the best whether it be a job or a relationship or whatever, you DO possess the tools to accomplish your goals, and please realize...it doesn't last forever.

One Of Those Days...

Sat, 17 Oct 2009 23:54:22 -0500

Well since I rarely come over here to the H2O cooler, I figured I'd stop in and say hello. Also, I just wanted to share my GOOD day with you all for a change. Things are going pretty good for me this weekend and I'm really grateful for that.

Yesterday my kitty ran away out the door and was out for hours. I was really starting to get worried and finally found him this afternoon. I was so happy for that. On top of that my wife is in a better mood and we got some shopping done. I'm buying a house too. Things are just going really well for me and I'm ever so happy about it.

Today was just one of those days that you really wish for when you're in one of those dark days. A day with no anxiety, no sadness, and just overall contentment. I've been so relaxed today. Got in a good nap and even cooked dinner for me and my wife. It's just been one of those days; of the great kind. I just wanted to share. We can all get there, it just takes time, patience, and some hard work. I hope everyone here on DF can have one of these days soon!

Love you all so much!

Why Does No One Use The Live Chat?

Fri, 16 Oct 2009 19:15:12 -0500

Hi,

Would be great top chat to someone right now... why does no one use the live chat? Is it just me alone on a frioday night?

Meditation Cures My Depression

Fri, 16 Oct 2009 14:37:42 -0500

Hi! Yes meditation cures my depression, anxiety etc. Meditation is concentration. Usually we have no control over our minds. If you can learn to concentrate hard then you eventually reach a state called Samadhi. There are different levels called Jhana. When you go "deeper" into concentration/meditation you can not feel anxiety or depression at the same time. You will also notice that emotions of joy and bliss takes over and when you reach very deep you will feel an incredible strong sensation of ecstasy.

In Tantra it is explained that certain energies (mind?) are spread in 2 subtle channels in our body when we are in the ordinary state of mind. But when we concentrate strongly this energy is focused into a central channel called Sushumna. That is when Kundalini can rise.

Presentations..

Fri, 16 Oct 2009 10:51:36 -0500

Hey everyone,
I'm taking a Business Presentation class in school right now. We have to come up with various presentations to give almost every class. I definitely have a fear of public speaking but so far, I've seemed to do ok. Yesterday though, I had to do an impromptu speech (you're given the topic and have 5 mins to prepare) and it was HORRIBLE! I had my outline and thought everything would go smoothly but as soon as I got up there my mind went blank. Luckily, I had the outline to look at to see where I was at but that wouldn't even help, I was looking at the words but when I went to say them, they wouldn't come out. I was stuttering also, which I don't normally do. Basically, it made me feel pretty down for the rest of the day and it was very embarrassing.

Our teacher keeps telling us and showing us DVD's that say to change your nervous energy into positive energy to help your presentation. None of them, however, explain how you're supposed to do this. I'm totally stumped because I have no idea how it's possible to change your energy into anything else. Does anyone have an idea about this? Or perhaps some pointers on how to keep your presentation running smoothly?

How Do You Feel Today #11

Fri, 16 Oct 2009 10:43:48 -0500

New Thread, last few from old one.

QUOTE (saturnish @ Oct 15 2009, 08:33 PM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>

The British man wants to give you a hug, Trace. Watch out for the moustache...

I'm not having a good day. Last night I broke down while on chat talking to everybody... everyone was very helpful though, and tried really hard to make me feel better. Then I had another bad dream last night, and so now I'm feeling pretty crappy today. :(

QUOTE (Michelle W @ Oct 16 2009, 12:05 AM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>

Foggy-headed and yet excited. I have a date this Saturday with an old friend.

QUOTE (Trace @ Oct 16 2009, 11:24 AM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>

Lol, Saturnish, Thanks ((((((((((((((Hugs)))))))))))))) I really hope you feel a little better. You know that bad dreams are not what they always seem.

Good luck for the date Michelle. That sounds like it could be fun.

I am muuuuch better than yesterday, things have not gone wrong and its Friday!
I am slightly annoyed, as my bosses are doing their annoying hovering act today. I keep getting interrupted.

Trace

QUOTE (POPI @ Oct 16 2009, 05:26 PM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>

The last 2 days have been wonderful! Had some clearing of the Foggy-mind and a much higher level of energy. **in my 5th week of Celexa**
I can't remember when the last time was that I felt happy and hopeful. Hope everyone is having a good day. Peace.......................POPI

My Experience With Depression/anxiety

Wed, 14 Oct 2009 14:21:59 -0500

Well, I'm new to the forum, but certainly not new to depression and anxiety. It's been about 7 months since I started receiving treatment and am at a point where I'm going to see how things go once I discontinue the medication. I found this forum while looking for withdrawal effects and thought I'd share my experience for others, in case it somehow helps.

So, I've been depressed more often than not since my early teens (I'm almost 29 now). Back in February, I called in sick because I was having a terrible episode of depression. After missing the first day, I called in the second day. I ended up calling in that whole work week. I told my manager what was going on and he was very supportive. I decided that since I was missing work due to the depression, I needed to go see a doctor about it. I also started looking into FMLA for the time missed due to the depression, at my manager's suggestion.

The following Monday, I went to a doctor and he prescribed a daily regimen of 20mg fluoxetine, which is about the smallest therapeutic dose. He prescribed that drug instead of another because it has a bit more of a "pick-me-up" effect than the others. We set up a few more appointments, each a week apart, so that we could address any potential negative side effects. A few nights later, in order to help switch my sleep schedule around (I worked nights at the time), I had a red bull at around midnight. I went to bed at around 5am and slept for a few hours and then woke up. I was stuck in a half-awake state where I felt anxious. I got up for an hour and then went back to bed. I couldn't sleep so I got up again. I started thinking that I wouldn't be able to work that night so I decided to really see about getting FMLA coverage for the absences the prior week as well as that night, so I called HR. From the moment I called something wasn't right. As I was talking to the woman my manager suggested I talk to, my voice was really shakey, almost like I was about to cry, though emotionally, I didn't feel like I needed to. I spoke with her about the whole FMLA thing for about 20 minutes. Once I got off the phone, I decided I should go see the doctor that afternoon, rather than wait until the appointment on Monday. As I was sitting in the waiting room, I set into a full-blown panic attack. It started with my foot shaking a bunch. Then the hyperventilation. Then the tingling in my hands and feet. Then the scary clenching sensation in my chest, just under the heart. My dad was in nursing and always had medical books around, and growing up, I'd read them, just out of interest. I knew that tingling of extremities could indicate circulation/heart problems and with the clenching in my chest, it only made the panic attack worse. I got up and told the receptionist that my hands were tingling and that my chest was feeling really weird. She went and got the doctor and he brought me into an exam room. My right foot was shaking uncontrollably. He did a couple of reflex tests and said I was pretty tightly wound and that it looked like a panic attack. He had a nurse give me a little shot of diazepam in my right buttock to at least end the tremors. However, over the next 15-20 minutes, it got worse. The shaking moved from the right leg and now included the left leg. Pretty much my whole lower body was shaking. Then my left arm. Then the chest spasms returned. They hooked me up to an Electrocardiogram and called an ambulance to be safe. About five minutes before the EMT's arrived, the diazepam kicked in and the tremors suddenly stopped for the most part. The doc had the nurse give me aspirin to chew and swallow, as well as a nitroglycerin.

In the ER, after a bit, the attending physician came in and spoke briefly. I told him about the depression, the Prozac, and he left a bit afterwards. A bit later, a psychiatrist/social worker came in and talked to me. She had me fill out a depression questionnaire. Then we talked a bit and she asked if I'd like to get into therapy. At that point, I was feeling really mellow from the diazepam, and I'm sure the panic attack itself had the equivalent effect of a major work out, so I said "sure". She called up a clinic and had me setup my first appointment with a fairly new therapist. I remember thinking that I didn't really want to go into therapy, and that I'd probably cancel the appointment sometime later. This was the still lingering dark side speaking. In any case, she left and I laid on the hospital bed for a while longer. The attending didn't come back in for a while since they'd had a major burn emergency come in, but when he did he brought the depression questionnaire with him. We discussed my symptoms some more, as well as the anxiety. It turned out that he suffered from depression, too. I remember him saying something to the effect of:

"Depression can bring a young man down. First you lose yourself, then you lose your spouse, then you lose your job, then you lose your life".

He said I should keep taking the prozac and that I should take the depression questionnaire once a month. If the results got better, then it meant the treatment was working. I think it was at that time that I fully realized that I had a problem and that it wasn't just going to disappear on its own. He referred me to a cardiologist that I could go to just to gain some peace of mind but said I shouldn't spend too much time or money on it since the tests they ran in the ER and other circumstances suggested it was more a function of the high amount of caffeine I regularly consumed and the anxiety/panic attack.

I went back to the doctor the following Monday and we decided to continue with the Prozac/fluoxetine. He gave me a prescription for diazepam in case I had another panic attack and he filled out the FMLA forms. I had minor anxiety that affected my sleeping that following week, but soon thereafter I felt great. I felt like things changed. I realized that for myself, the default view of life and the world was a negative one. The medication levelled that out. I've had a few short-lived episodes of depression, but the lows weren't as low as before. My therapist has been wonderful and I met a wonderful woman. I'm at a point where we're going to see how things go without medication. Some things I've realized:

- A/D's can be very helpful to those of us who suffer from depression, but by getting therapy, you work to resolve issues and change the way you think about things, and thus the two together are probably going to more effective than just one form of treatment.
- We are in so many ways at the mercy of our bodies, our biochemistry, and things we have no choice in - the family we're born into, the places we were raised, etc.
- Accepting that you need help from others to overcome your depression is not a sign of weakness.
- Mental illness powerfully affects the way a person sees the world. Even in subtle ways, the effects are profound.

I am endlessly thankful that I decided to get treatment, and that my manager was as understanding as he was. A lot of people just don't understand depression and how it affects a person and are quick to blow it off or minimize the urgency of it. I'm excited about the future and I feel like I am now in a mental state to unlock my potential.

Distraction Ideas Besides Tv?

Tue, 13 Oct 2009 22:09:48 -0500

My wife is in deep depression right now, accompanied by pain and fatigue, so she can't do much while we wait to see if the newest medication will help or not. She watches a lot of TV to avoid crying all day. She's awfully bored with TV though. She does read some, but reading isn't always distracting enough for her. I'm wondering whether people have other ideas for things she can do when she is alone and feels this way. She does some things on the internet, mainly word games on Facebook or solitaire. I'm wondering whether there might be something else on the internet that would hold her interest that might be at least mildly social. I've looked into some of the multiplayer games, but she's not into the violence. And she's not interested in putting herself out there by talking about her depression in forums like these.

Thoughts? Thanks!

A Few Words Of Hope

Mon, 12 Oct 2009 20:38:08 -0500

Through out my depression on thing I was constantly hearing was 'things will get better'.
I never truly believe it, I was too busy in the black hole of depression I found myself forever sinking deeper and deeper into with no hope of being able to drag myself out.
It's hard to see how anything could ever get better whilst your in that place, but trust me when I say I've been there, I know what it feels like and things will get better. I'm only nineteen years old and If I've learned anything it's that getting over serious depression isn't easy, I'm not going to lie, but it starts with you, you are the only one who has the power to change things around, you won't be able to solely do it on your own, you may need the help of medication, but you need to first start with learning to love yourself and then go on from there.
Life in general won't always go your way, it's never an easy ride, but things can be as simple or as complicated as you make it, the most important thing to do is STAY POSITIVE! because the minute you start thinking negative you will get stuck in that train of negative thoughts that you won't be able to get out of.
I came to realise that whilst I spent my days dwelling on the past and how bad things were, I stopped living my life and it wasn't just effecting Me but everyone around me. I was too busy focusing on the negative rather than the positive in my life, I had the best people I could ask for who were by my side and never left it once, I am young, a student, I soon realised life is too short to not enjoy it.
Various times when my depression was at it's worst I would of done anything to end my life, I tried cutting my wrist various times, hanging myself and trying to jump in front of cars, I'm lucky I never got sectioned but my friends were always there to make sure I was Ok, they didn't want that for me.
Soon after I began taking anti depressants and finally it seemed like my life was getting some what back on track, it wasn't perfect, but I'd been through a lot and I wasn't going to feel better over night. One night in April I'd decided it would be a good idea to self-medicate, I was being wreckless because I know you shouldn't do that on anti depressants. I didn't realise how far gone I was but the next day I woke up in hospital, I had no idea where I was or what had happened or anything because I was on pain killers. It took me a day or two to get it together and I was told I had fallen 60ft from the top floor to the bottom of my student accommodation. I was lucky to be alive. I had a clean break to my right humerus, i had a cracked hip and I had had a blood clot in my brain. I bounced back in about 2 weeks but after being back for less than a day I was back in hospital after having a seijure and it was feared my brain could be bleeding again. I have never been so scared in my entire life. The brain is a very important part of the body and if it gets f****d up then that's that, it's delicate.
The same floor I had accidentally fallen from was the same spot i'd tried to hang myself off of not a month before. To me this was a sign, I'd tried so desperately to **** myself and when I accidentally fall from the same place I tried to **** myself and survived something I potentially should have died or had severe injuries proved to me just how important life is.
Basically, the way I see it is, You've got two choices, live or die..but you know what, dying won't solve anything, nothing, it won't make anything better because you won't be able to change anything, the only way is up when you've hit rock bottom, so aim high!
No matter who you are, how old, where your from, I want you to think of everything that you have in your life that you love and treasure, rather than focusing on the negative of life, look towards the future and how you can change things, you have the power to change how you feel! it's not you can get better, it's you WILL get better, leave the past and never look back, it doesn't define you, it only makes you stronger! Something which you should be proud of!

Best wishes and Love to all!
Stay positive :)

Losing Medicaid In 2010

Sun, 11 Oct 2009 21:09:08 -0500

I am so stressed because I'm losing my extra prescription help in 2010 and I'm on a lot of meds. According to them I make like $100 too much a year to qualify but I'm going to fight it. I've been researching different Medicare D plans and will apply for PAAD but they want copies of birth certificate, award letter, and something else I don't even understand that I need to ask SSA for. I'm nervous I'll get denied. My script costs are so much even with a Part D plan that they'll cost $5,000 a year. My dad is going to help me this year but I have a year to get off insulin and most of my other meds so I can afford to live. I'm really scared and sleepless over this; it's the last thing I needed after my mom's recent death.

Down, But Going To Be Okay Somehow

Sun, 11 Oct 2009 08:26:15 -0500

Not in the greatest of places mentally right now, but am going to try to make the best of it today. (One reason why, but definately not all: Yesterday at work, one of the ladies I work with clearly did not want me around. There was not much I could do about it, but give her space, as I did not do anything to offend her. Oh well. I will try to remember today that other people's' moods, thoughts and actions are about them, not me.)

So, today, I am going to do the following to keep me going:

1. give my dog his heart pill
2. shower, take meds, turn on music
3. leave a message for nicotene dependence specialist - I will be quit as of 3 mo. on 13th (but it's hard right now)
4. call or leave a msg for former co-worker
5. go to new church, try it out
6. clean up house
7. go to gym
8. do journalling

That's more than I typically do on a Sunday, but I really want to accomplish these things to keep myself from feeling down or really depressed. This coming up week I have some good opportunities to connect with people, so it is very often Sunday's that can be the hardest day of the week for me. Would love to hear how your day is going and to get any messages.

Best to you today,

Any Saltwater Aquarium Hobbyist?

Sat, 10 Oct 2009 22:03:00 -0500

Just curious if anyone else has a tank setup? I have a 55gallon filled with live coral and 5 fish.

It's a fun, rewarding hobby that gives me something to look forward to when I get home.

Lessons In Life

Sat, 10 Oct 2009 10:55:34 -0500

Hi All,

I attended my SA meeting this morning ( I have SA issues, depression, anxiety and relationship problems LOL) and this was a handout we talked about a little bit. I think there are some very valid points in here that if we can remember will be helpful in all of our recoveries and dealing with life. Anyway....

Regina Brett's 45 life lessons and 5 to grow on

Originally published in The Plain Dealer on Sunday, May 28, 2006
To celebrate growing older, I once wrote the 45 lessons life taught me.
It is the most-requested column I've ever written. My odometer rolls over to 50 this week, so here's an update:

1. Life isn't fair, but it's still good.
2. When in doubt, just take the next small step.
3. Life is too short to waste time hating anyone.
4. Don't take yourself so seriously. No one else does.
5. Pay off your credit cards every month.
6. You don't have to win every argument. Agree to disagree.
7. Cry with someone. It's more healing than crying alone.
8. It's OK to get angry with God. He can take it.
9. Save for retirement starting with your first paycheck.
10. When it comes to chocolate, resistance is futile.
11. Make peace with your past so it won't screw up the present.
12. It's OK to let your children see you cry.
13. Don't compare your life to others'. You have no idea what their journey is all about.
14. If a relationship has to be a secret, you shouldn't be in it.
15. Everything can change in the blink of an eye. But don't worry; God never blinks.
16. Life is too short for long pity parties. Get busy living, or get busy dying.
17. You can get through anything if you stay put in today.
18. A writer writes. If you want to be a writer, write.
19. It's never too late to have a happy childhood. But the second one is up to you and no one else.
20. When it comes to going after what you love in life, don't take no for an answer.
21. Burn the candles, use the nice sheets, wear the fancy lingerie. Don't save it for a special occasion. Today is special.
22. Over prepare, then go with the flow.
23. Be eccentric now. Don't wait for old age to wear purple.
24. The most important sex organ is the brain.
25. No one is in charge of your happiness except you.
26. Frame every so-called disaster with these words: "In five years, will this matter?"
27. Always choose life.
28. Forgive everyone everything.
29. What other people think of you is none of your business.
30. Time heals almost everything. Give time time.
31. However good or bad a situation is, it will change.
32. Your job won't take care of you when you are sick. Your friends will. Stay in touch.
33. Believe in miracles.
34. God loves you because of who God is, not because of anything you did or didn't do.
35. Whatever doesn't **** you really does make you stronger.
36. Growing old beats the alternative - dying young.
37. Your children get only one childhood. Make it memorable.
38. Read the Psalms. They cover every human emotion.
39. Get outside every day. Miracles are waiting everywhere.
40. If we all threw our problems in a pile and saw everyone else's, we'd grab ours back.
41. Don't audit life. Show up and make the most of it now.
42. Get rid of anything that isn't useful, beautiful or joyful.
43. All that truly matters in the end is that you loved.
44. Envy is a waste of time. You already have all you need.
45. The best is yet to come.
46. No matter how you feel, get up, dress up and show up.
47. Take a deep breath. It calms the mind.
48. If you don't ask, you don't get.
49. Yield.
50. Life isn't tied with a bow, but it's still a gift.

Name 1 Good Thing You Did Today?

Fri, 09 Oct 2009 15:24:26 -0500

Ok...This is a postive thread.Be great if a MOD could sticky this

Simple,Name something good/positive you did today?

I will start...

I had a tough day but i distracted myself and i feel proud of myself now

Music And Mood

Fri, 09 Oct 2009 12:12:29 -0500

For me, music is powerful!
The many thoughts that bombard and frighten me, no matter how small, is altered with Music. Music lifts me, it has always lifted me. Listening to music, i can express my every emotion out through writing it down, and i feel better.
I can't be alone in this.
What does music do for you?

Finding Ways To **** Time Online

Tue, 06 Oct 2009 16:20:11 -0500

I've been looking for something productive to do online (outside of gaming) so I can feel better about spending so much time on the computer. I've picked up making money on sites like adzila or neo but I was wondering if anybody knew of any other good sites to keep my mind busy and still be doing something constructive? Almost every other sites are scams :(

EDIT: Sorry I didn't realize the k word was a bad word here :(

Know About Computers?

Mon, 05 Oct 2009 12:09:37 -0500

Then perhaps you can help me. Right now I have a 15" macbook pro. I kind of already wanted both mac and pc, but right now I have no idea which PC to look for.

I'm looking for something cheap, but still decent enough to play games (which is all I'll do on it). It can be a laptop or desktop. Whichever is cheaper.

Don't Give Up - Great Video

Mon, 05 Oct 2009 10:05:36 -0500

Someone posted this on facebook. I almost didn't watch it, but I'm glad I did. It is really really inspirational and I just wanted to share and help others with it.
(hope I posted in correct forum...)

I found a copy of it on youtube. Go to youtube and search for "nick vujicic get up don't give up" the first search result should be from soft37sp1.

Hope you enjoy.

Hayfever

Sat, 03 Oct 2009 00:38:54 -0500

first time ever i have had blocked ears from hayfever... n e one else had this?

i feel like im driving through the hills and when i swallow my ears unblock for like 1 second and then bam blocked again.. and one has a static kinda sound in it keep thinking something is on next to me but alas nothing! haha doc gave me some industrial nasal spray thats supposed to unblock em .. so im 23 walking around like a drunk (coz my balance is a bit off) and have the hearing of a 80 yr old woman.. lol.

meeting my bf lil brother last night he thought it was funny that i was a bit older then him.. but then for me to have to say.. sorry can u speak up.. well made it all the more funny.

i know im ranting but seriously n e one else had blocked ears like this.. how long did it last? im on day 3

Live Chat

Thu, 01 Oct 2009 08:56:02 -0500

im bored and have noticed no one is ever on live chat! come on...... i dont bite... hehe plus msn is evil right now and im home alone bored out of my mind!

A Bladed Rose

Wed, 30 Sep 2009 19:21:43 -0500

Song played while this was engraved, Sarah Mclachlan - In The Arms Of The Angle

**********************Trigger Warning*******************************

Father.. I'm so scared... so terribly scared..

I've strung and bleed this tomb, yet i continue to breath.. you would save me to have me face another day of misery and misfortune ?

I pretend you cannot see me weep, cursing which i do not understand. I'm scared.. it hurts father...

Who am i ? What would you have me become ? As this steel wont find solace.. with void and angry i wish you would release your grip.. but i cry... father i cry... i need you and want you to hold this worldly artifact away from my flesh.

For in the distance the enemy laps at my heels, an incessant beast devouring all who would fall by their own sword.

This is not the life you chose for me, i know this. But i feel i..i.. *sigh* I'm a..

Burden onto those who wish to truly help this soul, why must i put them through a ritual of my own pain and agony or at it's most vindictive state please them with the answers they wish to hear, but ones which cut me sorely.

I don't intend to hurt those around me, it is possibly the grandiose walls i have set forth to keep any emotional founding at bay, i do not need this bleeding carcass to excrete anymore than need be, for mere words can have the deepest cuts.

When their hand is taken, i rejoice and adhere to the comfort.. as time begins to grow i find it more trouble than it was worth, or maybe i wish to be alone again and they cannot understand why i have withdrawn from their outstretched arms of love and care.

I confuse and abuse, leaving them in awe. Wondering what they did wrong, wondering how they can rectify the trail i have left them in.

How do i explain it really is me and not them?

Have i become that endangered of being close to anyone again, that i would rather revel in the moment, than share my madness with another.. to disbelief i call on them only to repeat my sadness.

I Don't Qualify, Now What?

Wed, 30 Sep 2009 17:44:54 -0500

So, I filed for disability and I got a letter saying that I don't qualify. I'm 19, I went to college for one semester after I graduated from high school (2008). In February (2009) I got a job and then I quit in June because I couldn't take it anymore mainly because of my depression. I was about to be a student again this semester, but I had to take a partial hospitalization program. Now I'm hoping to be a student next semester, but I'm probably going to be kicked off my dad's insurance.

I don't qualify because I haven't worked long enough. So what, should I attempt to work for a year or something so I can get disability?

Does anyone else see this as crazy and unfair? What can I do?

Anime And Manga.

Wed, 30 Sep 2009 03:16:46 -0500

Do you watch/read this stuff? What's your favourites?

I used to be pretty into this stuff, but in last few years I havent really bothered. I particularly enjoyed Elfen Lied and FLCL (great soundtrack on that).

Some Things That Have Helped Me

Tue, 29 Sep 2009 22:36:23 -0500

I have always suffered from depression but this year has been the worst of my life and traumatic for me which increased my depression and anxiety to a level I could not function under.
I am doing 90% better then when I first posted in DF. Coming here was a first good step, seeing and knowing people cared and gave their time, encouragement and advice.
I read some self help books, one recommended by someone in here.
I also relied a lot on my faith in God and prayed quite often. I read some edifying books by Max Lucado who also helped me see God in a more loving light (being abused as a child made it hard for me to see God as loving because I saw authority as cruel and abusive). I have learned God truly does love me.
Also during this time people I had not talked to in more than a decade suddenly started contacting me. I do not know where that came from but I responded when normally I might not have and it has enriched my life. I have isolated myself from the world for several reasons, and it has made my life harder. Now I see people do care about me and I have opened my heart to them.
I have learned to see things in a different light thanks to the book "The Secret" by Michael Berg.
I always did care about people and have empathy for others but coming to DF has made me see how so many suffer and are living in agony and fear that it made me love my fellow man even more. I am limited in what I am able to do because of my fibromyalgia and chronic fatigue but one thing I can do is pray for others and share myself when I am able.

So doing a lot of reading helped me, trusting God helped, listening to the words the people say to me in DF has helped. Even the ones who are newbies who would respond to me just to let me know they cared was encouraging to me.

Also I see a homepathic Dr (he is also an MD), and he has been helping me find a remedy that helped my state of mind. We tried several. One helped my anxiety and another helped my depression. Over time my symptoms changed so we had to change remedies and the last one we tried helped quite a bit. It was actually one people usually take when they are grieving. It seemed to finally push me over the edge back into what I call sanity and settle my emotions down. For anyone who can afford it I highly recommend a good homeopath. I have been seeing one for over 15 years and he has helped me with other medical problems as well. It is not a cure all for everything but he has cured me of some things and until this year my depression was very manageable without drugs. When my trauma hit it took us a few months to find the right remedy to calm me down but I am glad I did not give up.
The most important aspect of what helped me I think is my unwillingness to give up on myself. Do not ever ever give up on yourself. You are important and worth having around. People may not always know it but you need to know it. I will never give up on myself.
Do not go gentle into that good night. Fight for yourself. You are a worthwhile human being who has a reason for being here and the rest of us need you. Keep that in mind. I know I am here for a reason. I may not know exactly what it is but that thought is true and will help you when you are at your lowest points in life.
So those are the things that have helped me. I hope something I said here helps someone.

When I feel down I will be sure to keep DF in mind. Could be tomorrow, who knows, but it is good to have somewhere to go when it happens.
By the way one of my fears is leaving the house. I hate going out. It makes me nervous and is hard on me because of my chronic fatigue and pain. But today I went to the State Fair and had a great time. I was gone for hours. I have not had fun in ages. I hurt real bad like I have been hit by a mack truck but I do not care. I had fun! Yay for me.
Do something for yourselves, it feels good.

PillowandBlanket

Over 70 House Members Call For Strong, Timely Parity Regulations

Tue, 29 Sep 2009 14:53:25 -0500

Over 70 House Members Call For Strong, Timely Parity Regulations

In a follow-up to our successful effort in August in the Senate to direct a letter to the Administration calling for strong and timely regulations to the mental health parity law, Mental Health America joined in a similar effort in the House. With the help of our affiliates, grassroots and other national partners, we helped to secure over 70 House members on the letter, which was sent September 23rd to the three Departments (Labor, Health and Human Services and Treasury) overseeing the development of mental health parity regulations.

Download and View the Parity Letter PDF

http://www.depressionforums.org/forums/post-a1338-parity-letter-2009-09.pdf

Rep. Patrick Kennedy (D-R.I.) circulated the House letter and highlighted that "Congress carefully considered mental health parity legislation for over twelve years prior to its enactment, and we are hopeful that the promulgated regulations will clearly reflect Congressional intent." The work over the last dozen years in Congress was significant in allowing for the bipartisan leadership of the two House caucuses critical to passage of parity - the Mental Health and Addictions caucuses - to sign on to the letter. The strong, bipartisan representation on the House letter should send the appropriate message to the administration that Congress is watching this process very closely.

It is also worth mentioning that President Barack Obama, as a member of the Health, Education, Labor and Pensions panel, and Labor Secretary Hilda Solis, as the Congressional Hispanic Caucus Health Chair, were instrumental in developing and passing parity during their tenure last Congress. These issues are very familiar to both of them and several other staff in key posts who went to the Administration very knowledgeable of the 12-year path to parity.
Mental Health America will continue to advocate for regulations that carry out the intent of the law and push for quick action by the three departments.

A Positive Day

Tue, 29 Sep 2009 11:29:48 -0500

Today did not get off too the best of starts my mum walked in on me in the bathroom and nearly saw me in girls things but apart from that todays been really cool.

I went in too town too sell a few bits so i can get my tattoo and go out with my friend and on my 45 mile round trip today i bumped in too some students who saw me with my camera and said "Hey take my photo take my photo" So i said ok and took their photo and they said here is some money can you get some prints for me and i got some instant prints done at boots for them

brought the photos too them at the pub and that was that. It was cool. One of the girls said to me "do you want my friends phone number" and i just froze up i did not know what too say. I wanted too say yes but i took too long too answer so it never happened.

I just feel like when random people ask me things that there is a right or wrong answer and i dont know i feel that way but i try too answer with the right answer but it does not always work out

But saying that these guys who i took the photos for they hang out at the same place where i am going too take up kick boxing so maybe i will see them again maybe make friends.

Apart from that i got my sensor cleaning pen from town i wont even attempt too clean my cameras sensor on my own they break easily and im going too see if my college teacher will help me out with cleaning it.

I took some really neat photos of some graffiti a garage owner let some people do the art work on the spare wall outside the garage and its really really lovely.

Ah also my pink shoes turned up they are pretty and i love them and they are comfy and very very pink but i can only wear them in my room for now but atleast theya re size 13 and iv been size 13 for a long long time i dont beleive my feet are going too grow any bigger "well i hope they dont"

Anways iv just had a good day and i really really needed that.

Now i better go get my pets cleaned out and hang my washing out too dry.
:)

So I Have Been Out Of Work Since Last Last Year... I Cant Go Back... I Just Feel Like It Cant Work...

Mon, 28 Sep 2009 23:18:08 -0500

I just feel really freaked out at the idea and new situations and people are kinda terrifying I was wondering how hard would it be for me to get on disability here in the USA?

Positivity Thread: 3 Things That Went "right" Today! #2

Mon, 28 Sep 2009 18:45:19 -0500

Positivity Thread: 3 Things That Went "right" Today! (Chapter #2)

Trace informed me that she closed the original thread, because it had reached ten pages, and invited me to open a new one, so here I am so doing.

Looking for a buddy or two who is willing to go toe to toe with me, accepting the challenge of coming up with 3 positives a day, no matter how small.

The challenge is to find at least three good things out of every day, no matter how large or how small. I had a thread like this a while back at the Walkers in Darkness forums, however after a major crash of the web site, my buddy disappeared never to return again. I would like to start this up again if anyone is willing to join me. It really works for me, but not if I am doing it alone.

Why it's important to me to do this thread:
to remind myself that even in the midst of a miserable day, there are good highlights. And the more I look, the more I am able to find.

Some things are small and consistent, like the way it feels when my cat curls up in my lap or sunlight streams through a window.

Some are accomplishments achieved, big or small.

Some are connections made, even if it's just the smile of a store clerk.

Here are a few samples of the last posts in the old thread, to serve as a model and get you started:

========================

QUOTE

ChrystalR (posted Sep 25 2009, 06:59 AM)
I got up in the morning

I did school-work and delivered this weeks final paper

I got back to the forum and have managed to write some posts.

So, all in all, a successful day.

----------------------------------

QUOTE

PeacePilgrim (posted Sep 26 2009, 02:37 AM)
Friday:
1. Successfully reached both Wendy and Michael, and amazingly Michael said yes to helping me on Sunday at West Hartford house. Really appreciated Michael's 40-second message (usually he leaves a basic "Talk to you later" message only).

2. Saw part of Kate and Leopold movie on tv this afternoon.

------------------------------

QUOTE

Cammeel1 (posted Sep 26 2009, 05:03 AM)
I had a nice talk with a friend. smile.gif

---------------------------------------

QUOTE

Cookie86 (posted Sep 27 02:21 AM)
1.I can still turn my boyfriend on to no extent, he loves it, yay. (bf wrote this hehe)

2. side effects slowly subsiding.. 10 days in 11 to go till i feel better i rekon

3. only cried once today yay

-------------------------------------

QUOTE

PeacePilgrim (posted Sep 27 09:58 AM)
Saturday:
1. Wendy was able to come over today before the Jewish Day of Atonement tomorrow. She did quite a few errands for me plus got the apartment vacuumed. Opened IRS document to encourage me to work on that.

2. I did finally get a new cell phone successfully set up for Michael.

3. It was a beautiful gorgeous sunshine day.

-------------------------------------

QUOTE

PeacePilgrim (posted Sep 28 01:21 AM)
Sunday:
1. Beat off high anxiety to go to West Hartford and meet up with friend Michael to FINALLY resolve my lack of TV stations there after the digital conversion thing on June 12th of this year. FINALLY I can now get more than 2 stations, and one of each network, although favorite Channel 8 is still missing.

2. Also had supper with Michael tonight and gifted him with a cell phone, which he actually seemed happy about.

3. Made it back to my cat and my comfort zone (my apartment) in time for Mad Men's last showing of the night.

-----------------------------------

QUOTE

Cookie86 (posted Sep 28 02:33 AM)
1. i went to the doctors alone and didnt have a panic attack even after having to wait for 40 mins!

2. drove myself there and to my therapy session.

3. no water works today... yet :) hehe been a good day!

--------

QUOTE

Abomination (posted Sep 28, 03:45 AM)
1. Went to school.
2. Got my new keys from...a place.

-----------------------------------------------------

FEEL FREE TO JOIN US!

An Optimistic Story About Work Related Depression

Mon, 28 Sep 2009 10:15:00 -0500

I used to work as an IT consultant, earning megabucks. But it did make me depressed to go to work - and being there was even worse. I found the work meaningless; building systems for life insurance and pension companies held little value for me.

The depression got worse over the years. I had the sense to get some help and training through psychotherapy, which resolved a lot of underlying issues. Particularly the knowledge I got about how the psyche and the inner worlds work, helped me a lot. Also, I learnt to look at myself by going inside.

However, this didn't give me any more happiness at work; if anything, because I was able to see things more clearly, doing this job seemed to me to be an utter travesty of life and trust.

But I had a lot of debt, accumulated by paying for some very expensive psychotherapy (courses and sessions). I was single at the time, although wanting to be married. My therapy had made me very aware of my inner self, and I was very alert to signals when coming across a potential partner. I knew it would happen, that when I was ready (and good enough for the partner I sought) my partner would appear.

Then I started meditating, which can really take you deep inside to look and feel yourself in a profound way. Well, now when I was at work I was beginning to develop physical symptoms, and extreme thoughts of suicide.

Despite my debt and only a small cushion in the bank I walked away from my job. What a huge relief. I can't describe the peace which descended on me after this.

Now something strange. Within 2 months I came across the partner I had been seeking for 20 years. We are still together.

What about the debt? What about earning a living? Well, do you know, in time, all these matters resolved themselves.

I have never forced myself to work again; this means in whatever work I do I follow myself - usually working from home, and having nothing to do with things I don't have value for.

I am free of all that work depression now, and I intend to stay free. Having said that, this way of living requires a huge amount of trust, and a developed sense of inner direction.

Song One-liners That Are Relevant 2 Ur Feelings Today.

Sun, 27 Sep 2009 02:54:41 -0500

"RISE. Life is in motion. Im stuck in line. Oh, RISE. You can't be neutral on a moving train"...

from the song DOWN by Pearl Jam

contrary to it's title, this song is fast, upbeat and overflowing with hope! this has been the soundtrack to my day today with this particular line a clear standout 4me, personally.. Love it, feeln' it, hope u dig it too!!

sash x

Do You Care About The Enviroment?

Sat, 26 Sep 2009 06:40:03 -0500

I could not care less about it. I think it's absolutely ridiculous to stress over it. I care about what's happening with me and my closest familymembers. Why would I feel bad about not driving a Hybrid.

Anyone From Adelaide Sa?

Thu, 24 Sep 2009 23:46:54 -0500

i have scoured the interent for casual support groups for depression and anxitey in adelaide and have found nothing really all searches revert to groups in NSW etc..

it would be nice to find people like me who are close where we could chat etc.. and help one another

Intermittent Fmla Gerbil Wheel

Thu, 24 Sep 2009 14:27:41 -0500

Does anyone else have experience using intermittent FMLA? I have been using it for a year and a half now, initially due to being committed for a few days and using up the small amount of paid time off I had left then. And then after I got back to work it seemed like a wonderful way to have a more flexible schedule...but what it has turned into is a cycle of constantly using up my accrued time (and sometimes going into unpaid leave status) that seems neverending. In the 1.5 years I've been under FMLA, I have twice had to take extended leave (about a week off each time) because, ironically, of spiralling into a depressive burn-out due to not having any "real" time off.

Both my therapist and pdoc agree that this isn't a sustainable way to continue, but the pdoc isn't at all confident that my employer will agree to what we think might work better: a lighter but set schedule of four days a week. My performance evaluation is coming up (actually, it's 9 months late but that's another story) and I'm feeling anxious about that as it is because I'm supposed to be coming up with goals for the coming year. Any advice, thoughts, encouragement?

What Song Cheers You Up

Thu, 24 Sep 2009 08:48:42 -0500

nalin and kane - crusing

whitney houston - step by step

STUNT - raindrops

chior boys - run to paradise

gabrielle - dreams

amber - im a dreamer also by livin' joy (better mix hehe)

Dont Be Ashamed!

Thu, 24 Sep 2009 02:10:20 -0500

im realtivley new to the fourm and this is my second time around with meds 7 days in on lex and xanax for treatment of PD with MDD .. second time around i have noticed the depression is worse, but im powering through.

i have scoured the forums with reguards to lex and anxiety and depression mostly, and find people always needing reassurance and that seem paraniod that they mite need to be on their meds for a long time (which hey i have been through and still go through sometimes). now im no councelor or anything but i have hit the bottom once b4 and i have moved up again. and now its happening again i just thank the higher powers that today is a better day.

just like cancer depression and anxitey are an illness recognised by drs and even the government (when it comes to the dole) i have learned to accept that yes i do have an ilness and it is nothing to be ashamed of, if you had cancer u wouldnt hide it, you would seek medical support right away and sometimes they do relapse and they have to go through it again just like us wonderful people who suffer depression. it doesnt make u any less of a person at all, in fact possibly stronger then most if u have it and beat it there is not feeling like it to have your old self back.

one thing i never let my depression take from me is my optimisim. i have learnt from my ilness who my true friends are, the power of love and that i am t strong person worthy of living a happy and full life!

what have you learned from your depression/ anxiteys etc?

much love krystal

30's Are The New 20's; 40's Are The New 30's; And 20's Are The New Teens (?)

Tue, 22 Sep 2009 20:14:36 -0500

I'm about to be 32. My feelings about my age are mixed. I have friends my age who have houses and friends much older than me who still live in studios.

Given my history--depression throughout my 20's--I feel okay with where I'm at. This may be due, in part, to the fact that my parents met and married in their early 30's...I guess it makes me feel that I'm right on track. (My parents, btw, had me when my mother was 39 and my father was 42).

I've been having a lot of conversations lately, with people of all ages, who feel like they haven't accomplished what's "normal" for their years; I, personally, have no concept anymore of what's normal for my years.

What are your thoughts about your age and where you're at in life?

Ur Own, Personal Wishlist

Mon, 21 Sep 2009 11:44:12 -0500

hey all! i was blissfully listening to yet another (of soooo many) sublime Pearl Jam songs - "wishlist" which has inspired me to beg the question to all u beautiful ppl, what is ur own, personal wishlist?

"i wish i was a neutron bomb, for once i could go off...

i wish i was a sacrifice, but somehow still lived on...

i wish i was a sentimental ornament you hung on...

the xmas tree, i wish i was the star that went on top...

i wish i was a sailor with someone who'd waited for me...

i wish i was as fortunate, as fortunate as me...

i wish i was a messenger and all the news was good...

i wish i was the full moon shining off a Camaro's hood...

i wish i was an alien at home behind the sun...

i wish i was the souvenir you kept ur house key on...

i wish i was the pedal brake that you depended on...

i wish i was the verb "to trust" and never let you down...

i wish i was the radio song, the one that you turned up...

i wish, i wish, i wish, i wish, i guess it never stops"...

yup! that juz about sums it up 4me! not a whole lot to ask for, now really

sash x

Favourite Quotations

Mon, 21 Sep 2009 05:56:36 -0500

I am a lover of great writers, wise men, authors, historians, great philosophers, great theoligans, poets, inspirational men and women, musicians, artists....

What are your favourite quotes or statements? Your ultimate favourite quote? It can be a beautiful lyric, or a wonderous theory by a magical personality, it can be whatever you want it to be.

Here's a couple of my favourites, randomly selected from thousands of favourite aspirational quotations.

'No man was ever wise by chance.'
Lucius Annaeus Seneca

'History is a cyclic poem written by time upon the memories of man.'
Percy Bysshe Shelley

'When I can look life in the eyes, grown calm and very coldly wise, life will have given me the truth, and taken in exchange - my youth.'
Sara Teasdale

'When you judge another, you do not define them, you define yourself.'
Wayne Dyer

'Just as treasures are uncovered from the earth, so virtue appears from good deeds, and wisdom appears from a pure and peaceful mind. To walk safely through the maze of human life, one needs the light of wisdom and the guidance of virtue.'
Buddha

How Do You Define A Loss?

Mon, 21 Sep 2009 04:21:01 -0500

There is a saying, "you can't lose someone or something if you never had it to begin with" do you believe this?

or

what is your definition of loss and what it means to you?

Just Wanted To Recommend A Book.

Sun, 20 Sep 2009 21:47:28 -0500

I'm new to the site, so hi everyone!

I just wanted to recommend a book I've found incredibly helpful as of late.

"Journey to the Heart", by Melody Beattie.

I never thought a Self-help book would actually help, but it certainly has.
It's very encouraging, and also a good book to pick up if you're feeling down.

Depression/fmla Questions

Sat, 19 Sep 2009 13:52:20 -0500

Hi all, new to the forum. I did a search, but didn't see the answers I needed.

I'm a 52 year old male with a long history of dysthmic depression, anxiety disorders, and ADD. I've been in and out of treatment since 1991, both under the care of psychiatrists and psychologists; usually both at the same time. I've seen benefit from the theraputic work I've done, but have never seen the slightest benefit from any of the dozens of medications I've been prescribed over the years.

About a year and a half ago, I resumed seeing a very good therapist I'd seen in the past, and have been working with him ever since. I have not been seeing a psychiatrist.

About two months ago, I went into a major depression, and have been trying to work my way through it.

I have missed a lot of work during this time. I've had my current job for nearly 5 years, and like it. Fortunately, we have been slow the past several months, so my absences have not had a major negative effect on business, and I've had more than enough sick/vacation time to cover my absences.

I got a letter from HR two weeks ago with the forms included to apply for short-term disability. Since I didn't plan on applying for disability, i didn't pay it much attention.

I got a letter from HR yesterday with an FMLA form, saying they'd approved my FMLA leave on September 2nd and requested the ducumentation from my doctor be returned within 15 days, but they had not yet received it. I'm pretty sure I'm going to have some problems with work if I do not get that FMLA form filled out and returned to them.

This leads to my first question. I am not currently under the care of a dedical doctor,. My therapist is a PhD, practicing at a large psychiatric clinic/hospital. Is my therapist able to fill out the FMLA paperwork, or is an MD required?

My second question is, how much confidentiality do I have under FMLA. If "depression", etc. is listed as the illness on my FMLA paperwork, is my HR department under any constraints about whom they can share it with within the organization? I'm really not crazy about my manager, supervisors and co-workers knowing about this.

As bad as I'm feeling, I cannot afford to lose this job, so no matter what, I'm going to suck it up and get back to working. I'm just needing to figure out the best way to deal with this current HR issue.

Thanks

Any Other Depressed Dteenagers Out There?

Fri, 18 Sep 2009 09:06:19 -0500

it would be nice to hear from other teenagers going through similar issues to mine.

so maybe if your around my age and willing to chat, pm me.
thanks id really appreciate it

Considering A Career Change

Thu, 17 Sep 2009 11:00:10 -0500

Hiya everyone,

Graphic design was kinda cool in college (well, more high-strung and stressful than "cool" actually, haha), but now I've been in a design job for about four years that is horribly boring and dull. I don't get to use any problem solving skills, and the opportunity for creativity is just about none.

Not only that, but it seems like the priorities of designers are a little... off, when it comes to the grand scheme of life. What I mean is that: I look at people who help others, like teachers and psychologists. These people are out there, doing something important that positively affects the lives of others.

Meanwhile, the graphic design magazines seem to just argue over pointless crap like which font is good and which font sucks. My teachers in college used to completely flip out if one of our design measurements was off by a hair (and I do mean that quite literally; it had to be exactly on the mark). So the concept of what is important and what is not, just seemed messed up in this field.

Does anyone know what i mean, when I talk about why I don't like graphic design? It's just that I think fonts and computer programs are just not important in life. Whether or not I choose the "perfect paper" for an invitation seems like a ridiculous thing to worry about. It's so trivial when compared to helping and connecting with other human beings.

I would rather be doing something more meaningful with my life. I've thought of ideas such as helping sexual abuse survivors, being a case worker for foster children, or getting into social work. I don't think I'd want to go as far as a Ph.D., but I'd be willing to get another bachelor degree and possibly master's if I really liked the work.

I don't know much about social work. Does anyone have a job in that field?

In a few weeks, I have an appointment with a career counselor. I'm hoping he/she can give advice, as well.

Thank you. :-)

CH

Put An Offer In On A House Today!

Thu, 17 Sep 2009 00:32:11 -0500

Well I went and did it. I'm throwing myself head long into recovery and I'm even trying to buy a house. Me and my wife have been looking for about 3 weeks now and after seeing a bunch of junkers and finding a TON of short sales, we finally found one we liked. I'm trying to be pretty quick about it because I need to get all the closing done before December to get the first time buyer rebate. So today I put in an offer on the house and am awaiting that call from my buyers agent to see what the verdict is.

The house is about 15 miles from where I live now (apartment). It's in a good school area, pretty rural. It's also about 10 minutes from my best friends houses, 10 minutes from my parents, and 15-20 minutes from my wife's parents. It's a 3 bedroom, 1.5 bath ranch house with a huge basement. It's got a pool in the back yard plus a nice privacy fence and deck. Central air, new furnace, new sump pump and water heater, and wood floors all through the house cept for the kitchen (which is HUGE). It needs some basic work like paint, window treatments, and concrete work in the garage (2 car attached). Square footage comes in at a bit over 1150.

So yea, I may be a home owner soon. Wish me luck. I'm excited!

What Other Forums Or Online Communities Do You Belong To?

Wed, 16 Sep 2009 23:33:18 -0500

DF is the first forum I ever joined.

I've also just recently joined a PTSD forum (and feel like I've cheated on DF...but not so much 'cause this is really home for me.)

Other than that, I don't belong to any special-interest online communities (MI-related or otherwise). But I know a lot of members do. Share them here! (Note: You don't have to give specific site names, unless you want to. No links please!)

Gotta Tell You Guys!!

Wed, 16 Sep 2009 08:33:15 -0500

"Finding your own North Star" - claiming the life you were meant to live, by Martha Beck. This book is changing my life............for the better. I highly recommend it!!! If anyone reads it and would like to share what they thought about it or how it might be helping them, feel free to post!!

Gentle Sun

Just Some Of My Experiences... :)

Mon, 14 Sep 2009 22:37:31 -0500

Hi! My name is anthony. I'm not posting this for any particular reason, just what every you want to add or take away. I just want to share some of my experiences with depression. Just a little about me and how I'm dealing with it.

I'm 24, single and never had a girlfriend. I'm currently completing a science degree, while dealing with depression and anxiety for the past year. I've been seeing a doctor and taking part in cognitive behaviour therapy. Its only the past couple of days, that I've started taking medication (citalopram). Last September is when I really got sick. I was tired all the time, really down, would just stare, cold, numb, and dizzy. It was really an unknown time for me, I didn't understand what was happening. I started developing thoughts to hurt myself.... My parents and family are really supportive, even though they find it hard to understand. I took a reduced course load then and saw my dr pretty much weekly and did CBT for most of the year. After a while, the depression got alot better. But around Christmas, I had anxiety almost constantly and the depression set in again. But not as intense. I guess sometime around spring. I was having more good periods than bad. But the depression/anxiety would still set in from time to time. Sometimes I can have long good periods, but the bad ones comes and goes from time to time. I'm back at school now for the fall semester. I'm doing great, but lately having problems with constant anxiety. A couple days ago, I decided to try some medication from my doctor. He put me on citalopram. I'm hoping that will smooth things out alittle better. So far I've had no depression episodes, only anxiety and no side effects...

Here are something that I found useful, over the past year. Just something I pick up, either from therapy, reading, this forum anywhere really... I'm very interested in positive psychology. I try to live my life by that as much as possible. I'm pretty much open about my depression and had more good experiences than bad talking about it.

1)I promised myself that the most important thing to me is being happy. I would pay any cost and do anything I had to do to achieve that. But not put any time limits on myself. Start with the small things and move up from there. Be smart about it and don't give up.... :)
2)Being grateful for my life. Anytime I have a good experience I write it down in my journal, so I revisit it to help counter my depressed thinking. I also write down what going good in my life. Its easy to forget, went your going through a hard time.
3)I started writing down things I want to do with my life in my journal, also pasted images of things I wanted to do, have or experience. Anything really quotes, tv's, places, education.... Even if that idea was big, I would still put it in my journal. Lately, I moved the images and text to a vision board. I just got a big piece of cardboard board on the back of my door with all the pictures and stuff on it. It helps when you doing visualizations, you have ideas to visualize.
4)The book Feeling Good: The New Mood Therapy, Dr. David Burns is just an excellent book on CBT period lol... My therapy used alot of information from it...
5)Sometimes there were alot of fears of the future... We have to live in the now. No body can predict the future. It easy to get over whelmed, put your energy into the now. Break task into smaller pieces and slow things down if you have too. Remember the most important thing is to get better... :)
6)Mediation and progressive relaxation were useful to me. I found a lot of videos on youtube, that I put on my Ipod... :)
7)You perspective is everything. Two different people can look at the same thing and have different results. Personal development is really important. My city has a positive thinkers club...
8)I always loved the quote "Our greatest fear is not that we are inadequate, but that we are powerful beyond measure."... :)
9)Be determined and stay with it. People try to label themselves.. I'm this or I'm that... I believe were all the same and I'm just as talented as you but just in someother way... :)
10)Take it one day at a time.... exercise, sleep, eating are all good too... cheers :)

I believe my life is worth something and I know yours is too. I finished high school too scared to talk to women... I never ever though about university... I needed a tutor to get though high school... I failed the entry exam for the military.... I barely had any social life.... I was always quiet and shy... I avoid conflict.... But I D*** sure have came alot way... I'm 13 courses from finishing my computer science degree and almost have a minor in mathematics... My gpa is high enough that I can apply for honours in software engineering... :) I'm applying for my internship this summer.... :) All I can say is that I've done alot of things that I've never dreamed I could do... :)

I think this forum is great and much needed. I don't post much, but found alot of useful information here. Theres probably tons of things I could say, but I just want to share some of my experiences and thoughts... I intend to get better and hope the same for you. Thanks for reading; anthony

Surival Guide To Dealing With A Mental Illness

Mon, 14 Sep 2009 13:46:27 -0500

1.) DO NOT BELIEVE THE STIGMA OF MENTAL ILLNESS. Mental illnesses are illness, just like asthma and diabetes. It doesn't mean you�re weak, lazy, insane, stupid or anything like that. It just means you have a chemical imbalance in your brain. The stigma of mental illness is wrong and the truth is we live in a bigoted society. If anyone gives you a hard time about having a mental illness it's there problem not yours.
2.) Remember that mental illness is not a death sentence nor does it mean that you can't live the life you want. You might have to do something�s differently, but you have live and achieve your dreams. Fight for your life and your dreams and never give up.

3.) Read everything you can about your illness and the medication you take. It will make a huge difference in the long run.

4.) The trick to having to deal with a mental illness is to work around it, not over it. You learn to listen to your body, take medications, have stress coping mechanisms, a support system, etc. They sell workbooks out there on how to deal with a mental illness. One that's good is Depression Workbook 2d by Mary Ellen Copeland, Mary Liz Riddle.

5.) Take your medications everyday.

6.) Find a good doctor and therapist, who you feel comfortable with and trust.

7.) Find a good, positive support system and have good stress coping mechanisms.

8.) Be careful who you disclose your illness to.

9.) Find a famous person or persons who suffered from a mental illness and have that person be a role model for you. For me it's Abraham Lincoln, Former U.S. Congresswoman Lynn Rivers (D-MI), and Elyn Saks.

10.) Regarding families, a lot of times family members have a hard time dealing with their loved one's illness and a lot of times, they will blame that person for it. Unfortunately, it happens all the time and it even happened to me. For three years, my father accused me of using my illness as an excuse and accused me of self destructing and even blamed me for it. The only time he would even acknowledge it was when he could use it against me. The truth is there is nothing worse in the world then being sick and scared and having people blame you for it. My advice is do what you need to do to make your life better, but if your family members act like that don't listen to them.

11.) Regarding college, the fact of the matter is that most mental illness happen in one's late teens and twenties the ago where most people are in college or graduate school and suicide is ranked the second leading cause of death among college students. However, even with this information a large number of higher education institutions don't do anything about it. They ignore the disability rights laws when it comes to psychiatric disabilities thinking students will take unfair advantage of them. There's not enough awareness on campus, and student insurance doesn't even include mental health parity. Some schools are better than others, but if you're applying to a school screen the college ahead to make sure they are mental health friendly. There have been lots of articles written about this.

Kevin The Cat (warning: May Trigger - Its A Bit Sad)

Mon, 14 Sep 2009 03:58:08 -0500

Kevin the cat has passed away. He was almost 17 years old and had had heart problems for about the last 6-7 years.

Didnt see him Friday morning then wife found him under sons trampoline in the back garden. Looks like he had been sleeping and had passed away in his sleep.

DS wasnt too upset (hes only 5) and hes got his kitten, Eric, to play with.
Me and wife were both really upset because hes been around for so long. But I suppose hes had a good innings.
Dropped him off at the pet crematorium on Friday and collecting his ashes on Tuesday.

Survived by our other two cats, Ollie, and Eric Catona (the kittenm).

I Wish

Sat, 12 Sep 2009 10:19:06 -0500

Two and a half years on hormones,
I have been,
Not much feminisation,
Have i seen.

No fat redistribution,
To hips or face,
A dissapointment to me,
A transitioning disgrace.

I apply for medication,
That might make a difference,
But my endocrinologist says no,
I take no offence.

All I wish,
Is to be female in apperance one day,
Make the last resemblences of masculinity,
Banished forever and made to go away.

copyright protected

Animals Help With Loneliness

Sat, 12 Sep 2009 00:57:32 -0500

Animals help with lonliness, in addition to having many other positive effects on our lives. This is a very plain statement, but it is so true and I know so many agree and I hope others will feel compelled to share their feelings/ experiences regarding this.

*******
Here is a synopsis of my recent dealings with this...

After years of wanting a REAL dog (lol), I finally came across a puppy which I felt would fit with me perfectly. He and his littermates, were being sold for 50 bucks a pop outside of a Krogers. After learning all about these puppies from the sellers, I knew that finally I had found the dog with the right specifications: the father of the litter was a great dane/greyhound mix, and the mother was a collie/ australlian shepard mix- all 4 are wonderful breeds, and the mixture seemed so uncanny, yet so right at the same time. I picked out the one I wanted. His coat is short and of a grayish blue color, interlaced with just a touch of orange/brown which really shines in the right light. His whole body is speckled with bits of black, almost like a dalmation, and he has a white chest and white toes. His ears are floppy, the right one out of sync with the left, usually cocked inwards or sticking straight up while the left hangs out casually- giving him a very cute and quirky demeanor. His muzzle is slightly elongated. All of this combines to make for a dog who is very unique, and quite striking in appearance- everyday he receives numerous compliments which reinforce this notion. He will be large, yet lean fairly lean when he is full grown. But his physical characteristics are just the half of it.

You see I hike, jog, and go on bike rides whenever I can. I used to engage in these activities much more frequently, until I began to get burnt out on how unbearably lonely a venture it had all become. Now with my new pup, things are looking up! I've had Woulfie, as I came to call him, for 2 months now, and at almost 14 weeks old, he is showing the good signs I had expected: that he would become a wonderful sidekick and friend. The mixture of his breeds told me that he would be a fairly active/ energetic, highly trainable, and loyal dog; so far so good.

I feel like a true dog owner now; a whole new world has opened up for me in the past 2 months, and without a doubt my life has changed quite a bit. I take him to the park almost everyday, which fulfills a dual objective for the both of us: exercise and healthy socialization. He needs it so he grows up well-tempered and well-mannered, I need it so I don't go insane and waste away lol.

People are always complimenting on how beautiful, cute, and unique he is, and he provides common ground which makes starting conversation with people a lot easier. When I meet other dog owners I ask them about their pet, and they ask about mine and we chat for a bit. (When I talk, I like to have something good to talk about- small talk drives me nuts!) I can't say that this bit of socializing is the end-all answer to my problems, but I know for sure it's a positive thing!

I have already taken him on several jogs, both on and off the leash, and he just follows right along. This is very exciting for me because I am determined to have a dog that will stick by my side and be trustworthy enough so that, when appropriate, we can circumvent the hassles of a leash, and both he and I can fully enjoy our intrepid jaunts, wherever they may take us. Now I have a good reason to get back out and resume exercising. I have someone to bring with me on errands, and someone to throw the Frisbee with, or just hang out and chill with. When I come home it is nice to have someone excited to see me. And now I have more of a reason to get out of bed. The responsibility of caring for his simple needs is good for my psyche, and it helps to instill and cultivate more purpose in my life. I would be silly to say that this dog is the instant remedy to all my problems, but I know for sure he has helped a good deal and I am looking forward to seeing how things develop as he grows up.

Losing Weight

Fri, 11 Sep 2009 21:38:08 -0500

I have god days and bad days but after sleeping my mood has lifted and i am feeling more
positive about things.
My god mother and my mum both comment that iv lost weight
and i did not think anything of it until 3am when i looked at myself in the mirror and i could see how much thinner i look. I felt proud and happy and i said to msyelf that i love myself and i am proud with what i am achieving in life.

Everything is slow but steady and college starts monday i cant wait for that.

There was a time when i could not go a day without junk food in our house i was brought up with a lot of junk food and its always there when i tried in the past i just used to give in and eat junk food and when i felt down i would eat and eat only ever a few times iv been hungry when iv eaten

but now i eat breafast which is either breakfast cereal or scrambled "which iv learnt too cook myself" i could not cook before.

FOr lunch i have a sandwhich ,panini or some times chips

for dinner i just have the usual meal like pasta or meat or whatever is brought.

on the odd occasion that i do have a snack it is dark chocolate i learnt that it is far better for you then milk chocolate.

I am glad i feel sleep at 8pm for 5 hours because if i had not i would not have watched tv then got up and looked in the mirror and found this positivity in me because when i went too bed i was feeling pretty insecure and negative and i could see no hope.

Maybe if things get like that i should stop and read this. Iv come along way this year
time has passed very fast it does not seem possible that i start college soon because at the beginning of the year it seemed so long away and now its only a few days away.

When i go out and meet new people i dont feel shy or awkward like i used too. I talked too some of the students at college and i felt fine. I hope that soon i can learn too deal with depression in a better way. Anxiety last year had a hold over me now it does not
and not iv got too try and work with getting over depression.

I dont like being down and my family do not like seeing me down and i project what i am feeling so people can tell. In time i am sure things will get easier.

I am looking forward too the new life that i am working towards at times it feels like iv taken on too much. Iv got to move out which i will do in the new year iv got too keep cooking so i can eat and iv got too learn to do a few other things and how too budget something which iv not been very good at. Iv got too keep my appointments up in town and get the help i need
i think its very important too build up a support system with therapy for when i move out.

There are times when i will feel overwhelmed by whats happening but its important that i keep focused on my goals and work towards them.
I am not proud of the person i used to be iv done some pretty stupid things in the past that i am not proud of and i am going too make sure that i do not make the same mistakes.

I love my life and i am not going too throw it away i love myself and fully accept myself and i believe that is whats helped me move foward.

My Day To Day

Thu, 10 Sep 2009 11:28:58 -0500

Physically and mentally exhausted today, I was in bed all day and got up 3pm. Still feeling very, very tired and a lot of buzzes in my head. Went to see psy doc yesterday and was told that my meds would remain the same and she is sending a referral to a different psy doc, who specialises in her case for my mental health wellbeing, and I'm either more nervous or braver to seeing her as soon as I'd hear from her for an appt.

Chat Rooms

Wed, 09 Sep 2009 08:20:20 -0500

Does any of you guys know some good chatrooms for people who has an depression?

Funny And Wise - In Fact Says It All!!!

Tue, 08 Sep 2009 17:22:55 -0500

An autobiography in five chapters

Chapter one: I walk down the street. There is a big hole in the sidewalk. I fall in. I am lost...I am completely hopeless. It isn't my fault. It takes forever to find a way out.

Chapter two: I walk down the same street. There is a deep hole in the sidewalk. I pretend I don't see it. I fall in again. I can't believe I'm in the same place. But it isn't my fault. It still takes a long time to get out.

Chapter three: I walk down the same street. There is a deep hole in the sidewalk. I see it is there. I still fall in...it's a habit. My eyes are open. I know where I am. It is my fault. I get out immediately.

Chapter four: I walk down the same street. There is a deep hole in the sidewalk. I walk around it.

Chapter five: I walk down another street.

I'm Applying To Be A Substitute Teacher Tomorrow

Tue, 08 Sep 2009 00:46:32 -0500

Hello everyone I'm new here. I have been a sub once before for like a month and than resigned because of my depression and now I'm wanting to go back to being a substitute teacher. I thought this would help build my confidence even more than where it is now, it will help my social anxiety and it will get me out of the house and it will keep me busy and making money (which we need) at the same time. What do you all think? I have been depressed for well over 35 years and I don't know what it's like to be happy. I had checked myself into a mental unit to get my meds right and for suicidal thoughts/attempts since I checked myself in voluntarily I only stayed 6 days and I hope I never have to go back there again. I have had a peaceful mind since leaving the hospital. I'm currently seeing a psychiatrist and a counselor for my depression. Below is all that I suffer from. Do you think that substituting will build my confidence? I will be applying tomorrow so I'll let everyone know how it goes. Thanks for listening.

Extreme Depression
Generalized Anxiety Disorder
Social Anxiety Disorder
Post traumatic Stress Disorder
at one time before medication recurring suicidal thoughts

Jennifer

Life Does Get Better

Sun, 06 Sep 2009 17:22:20 -0500

I joined this forum looking for help and advice which I found in abundance but I also wanted someone to tell me that there is light at the end of the tunnel and that depreesive feelings can be reduced or go away completely. I hope that my story can give some advice but also let people know there is light at the end of the tunnel.

About 18 months ago a 4 year relationship I was in broke up when I found out that she had been seeing someone behind my back. This event completely tore my world apart, I was in total denial for a long time, I turned to alcohol to help and at the worst stage would drink a bottle of vodka before going out just so I wouldn't have to feel anymore. I spent months at this stage, I ended up in hospital a couple of times with injuries from falls and once nearly died from a fractured skull. At the same time none of my friends seemed to care or understand which just made me push everyone away even more. It was then that I started to self harm as it was the only thing that helped me think of something other than my negative thought spiral (I still have the scars on my arm which I hate but I hope one day to get them removed). I was in counselling but this didn't seem to be going anywhere and I reached the lowest point when I found out that my ex had moved in with a new guy and seemed to have moved on and be in a happy relationship while I was still stuck here alone. The few times we spoke she would then just use this to destroy my confidence and ruin my self esteem. At one point I had spent an entire week in bed drinking alone, avoiding going to my Uni lectures and not feeling that anyone cared. I had looked into methods of suicide online and came very close to doing something stupid after coming home from a club alone, only luckily my flatmate had come home earlier and I couldn't do anything...

... that Monday was my weekly counsellor appointment. I felt like I had reached my lowest point ever and she suggested going to my Doctor. I was given Citalopram 20mg which fortunately had no bad side effects but also didn't seem to work. However, it was this act that made me realise how serious my depression had become so I eventually built up the courage to tell my mum and a few close friends about what I had been going through. For me this was the turning point. The AD's didn't work at all for me but I was amazed after that point how supportive my family, friends, lecturers and sometime's complete strangers could be. The stress of final year studies was still difficult to deal with but I replaced self harm with intense running which seemed to be the only thing that would replace my negative thoughts as I was too busy trying to just keep breathing to think. It wasn't until I graduated that my depression finally lifted, it just seemed that with such a weight off my shoulders I was finally free to deal with my feelings.

It hasn't been an easy road from then until now and I've had to learn a lot, grow up and deal with my feelings better. But after a great deal of perseverance and help from my tutors I completed my university course, got my life back on track, am starting a new graduate job next week and now feel confident that there is a reason for living and that one day I can be that happy again. I think the biggest lesson for me is that environmental causes of depression are often overlooked and no amount of medication and counselling will help, removing the root cause is the only solution, whether that be moving home, moving city, leaving an abusive situation or taking time out from studies / work. This will be the hardest thing you have ever done but there is always a way and I have been amazed at how understanding people can be and how willing they are to help if you only tell them the truth.

I hope this can maybe help others in a similar situation and let you realise that there is light at the end of the tunnel. please feel free to reply or PM me with questions or advice or even just to chat if you are in a similar situation. remember silence is never the answer.

thanks for reading,
E

The Profound Impact Of Music On Moods

Sun, 06 Sep 2009 11:48:43 -0500

what song MOVES you? for me, "present tense" by PEARL *sigh* JAM has always been a predominant source of strength and salvation. here are juz some of those lyrics - provocative, important and born from such a deeply honest place, this song hurts like the truth and it's a painful relief to ingest in gulps! enjoy a taste of the writing mastery of eddie vedder and plz, add your own favourite song lyrics for all of us to devour. music is power!

PRESENT TENSE by Pearl Jam

"do you see the way that tree bends? does it inspire? leaning out to catch the sun's rays, a lesson to be applied.

are you getting something out of this all-encompassing trip?

have you ideas on how this life ends?

checked your hands and studied the lines?

you can spend your time alone, redigesting past regrets, oh...

or you can come to terms and realize you're the only one who can't forgive yourself, oh...

makes much more sense to live in the present tense!"

The...magnificent Pet Thread!

Sun, 06 Sep 2009 02:07:07 -0500

Pets! Gotta...adore 'em.

What pets do you have? What pets do you wish you'd have?

Right now I got none, but been thinking about getting two rats to my new place. They're like dogs, except they can sit on your shoulder! Can't get anymore awesome than that.

What I Wanne Read

Fri, 04 Sep 2009 08:13:57 -0500

I read stories form people whoc ame from the bottum back to life, what do see what did the do, give other people and say a depression is always go away like that stuff.

Phobias

Fri, 04 Sep 2009 00:11:41 -0500

I think I definately have a few phobias... note a phobia is being extremely scared of something, not just like a little fear of a bee sting.
Anyway I think I am emetophobic and insectophobic (definately after today's panic attack in the car when that moth flew in).
Is anyone else?

My Story

Thu, 03 Sep 2009 19:20:21 -0500

Hey everyone...

I am at the moment feeling the most secure and happy i have felt in many years. Im 26, and have pretty much had a crap time since i was about 12.

I was addicted to a drug for around 8 years, and have been clean for about 4 months now.

I went to my GP about 4 years ago because I had stopped self medicating and found life unbearable. She diagnosed me as depressed and put me on citalopram for about a year... didnt change anything. I then went on paxil for about a year.. same thing. And began self medicating again.

I went through perhaps the most traumatic experience of my life last year. I quit my job, moved away from the city i was living in, and went back to uni.

About 4 months ago, I started feeling really suicidal. The more I thought about it, the more dominant the thoughts became.

At the time i was still self medicating. And one night I came so close that the next morning i went to student health and had an 'emergency appt with a councellor, and told her about thinking of ******* myself.

She referred me to see the psychairtrist the next morning. It has become the best decision of my life to see her.

I was diagnosed with something called 'Dysthymia' - I had never heard of it untill then. A mild depression that lasts for over a few years. About 14 yrs in my case... most of my life.

She took me off Paxil and put me on Fluoxitine. Referred me to a psychotherapist, and said that I will not improve unless i stop self medicating.

I am at the moment feeling the best I have felt in years. No drugs in 4 months. And im seeing my therapist every week for an hour.

There is hope for other people with the same kindof addicition and long term depression as i had...

And if your feeling suicidal... TELL SOMEONE.

Ib50 Medical

Thu, 03 Sep 2009 07:46:47 -0500

Hi

I have been on Incapacity benefit since 2005, in March I got an IB50 form to fill in which I got the year before, however unlike last year where I was sent for a medical, this year
I asked for extra time as I needed a biopsy, so I got an extra 3 weeks to send my form in. I sent my form off on 17th April.

However it is now September and I haven't heard anything

They are still paying me incapacity benefit and I am in receipt of May, June, July, August payment

But they haven't written to me since I have sent the form off?

I was lead to believe that if you are sent an IB50 form you are then automatically sent for a medical, is this not true?

But surely they would have written to me one way or another regarding this, 5 months at hearing nothing? Do they have a backlog because so many people are getting made redundant/lots of claims coming in?

Surely if there was a problem they would have stopped my money or written to me?

Can They take the money back from me if they realize there's an admin problem or because of a backlog?

I have gone to see my doctor and she says they haven't written to her either?

Anyone gone through the same thing?

Thanks

Reese

Emoticon Nation, What Smiley Fits Your Mood Today #3

Thu, 03 Sep 2009 05:04:58 -0500

Time for a New Thread. Last few from the last one.

QUOTE (PRT @ Sep 2 2009, 02:40 PM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>

QUOTE (karmic_serenade @ Sep 2 2009, 06:09 PM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>

QUOTE (POPI @ Sep 2 2009, 07:04 PM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>

QUOTE (Myself @ Sep 2 2009, 11:52 PM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>

QUOTE (PRT @ Sep 3 2009, 10:19 AM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>

A Quiet Wisper

Thu, 03 Sep 2009 04:23:37 -0500

Song played while this was created.. Breaking Benjamin - So cold

Somewhere i lie beneath this body of flesh and bone.

I'm in there somewhere, where i can not tell... however i feel the emotion and pain this body can inflect, it's intent is self destruction.. the secrets are heavily guarded.

I plead with it often, to give one over and help me understand its curiosity with my impending demise.

Yet it seems to have other plans, it prefers to watch and listen to my hopeless cry's of fear.

It knows me to well, knowing there is no escape, no corner to hide, no place to tune it out.

I'm it's prisoner and sole witness. Drumming it's nightstick across the cold crude bars. Eyes ever watchful.

Turning away, i try to hide non the less.. there must be hope, there must be happiness... something left in this body, it cant all be darkness.

--------------------//---------------

*Sigh* I'm feeling rather flat tonight, hope others are doing better.

Has Anyone Watched The Ruby Wax Videos?

Wed, 02 Sep 2009 09:27:57 -0500

I recently stumbled accross a bbc website with some videos of ruby wax dicussing all kinds of mental health issues on video. Nut I just wanted to say that ~I found it really encouraging to know that Ruby Wax - a successful outgoing person - has depression and has taken all sorts of medication. It made me feel so human, and normal and socially acceptable!

Diet And Fitness Support

Tue, 01 Sep 2009 09:05:47 -0500

I've gained a heap of weight over the past year as a direct result of depression, meds and quitting smoking, and could definitely use some daily support in dieting and fitness efforts. I was thinking, if anyone else would like to join in, we could write one thing we do each day to promote health and fitness, or if we had a bad day, we can reach out to others for support.

NOTE: if you choose to join in on this thread, do not post your weight or calorie consumption, and I believe it's not permitted anyhow. Be sensitive to others when posting. Thank you!!

Mighty Book Thread.

Mon, 31 Aug 2009 06:02:00 -0500

Books! Gotta love 'em.

What are you reading right now?

What do you recomend to other people?

I like read horror mainly, but anything good will do. Right now i'm middle of H.P Lovecrafts collection of stories. Just finished Game of Thrones by George R. R. Martin.

As for recomendations...a song of ice and fire series seem to be a good read. Also personally love "It" and "Pet Sematary" from Stephen King.

Any Photographers Here?

Sat, 29 Aug 2009 23:53:47 -0500

Just wondering if anyone else does photography? What kind of tools of the trade if so?

PL

Frank Sinatra

Sat, 29 Aug 2009 10:16:58 -0500

Good Lord I love this man! I found something that really helps me relax: listening to Frank Sinatra. It's kind of random but I have a record player and a collection of old vinyl records in my college apartment. When I'm having a bad day I just fire up on of the Sinatra records.

For me, it's almost like I don't fit in with today's world anyway: I'm not that socialable and don't have that many friends, I'm not like other college students going out and partying all the time. In another sense, I don't like all this modern technology. I don't have an Ipod, my cellphone's basic and I just got text messages added to it, I don't even know how to use a digital camera. And of course I listen to records. It's almost like I'm in the wrong decade! If gas wasn't $2.60 a gallon and rising, I'd trade my 2002 Monte Carlo in for a 1966 Cadillac DeVille instantly. I love those big, old land yachts of a car and my brother actually lets me take out his 1975 Monte Carlo. Now that's pretty trusting.

To me, the time in which Sinatra recorded much of his music is were I seem to fit best. I wish things were more like that today than they are now. So really, Sinatra's music takes me to a place that's almost like a mini time-traveling vacation. All I have to do is put a record on the turntable!

Your Favourite Place In The Whole World

Wed, 26 Aug 2009 13:44:45 -0500

Where is your favourite ever place? It could be a country, a town, your home or a specific room in it, or just anywhere that you go when you need cheering up or want to be alone.

Mine used to be outside my brother's old secondary school at night time. The reception building is a big 19th century stone 'house'. There's a small car park outside (literally room for 3 or 4 cars), a wall then it drops down on to the playing fields. I used to love going to sit on the wall, watching the stars with my guitar or notebook. I can't go there any more now as there are gates that they lock at night. My new favourite place is where I walk my dog, it's a few fields outside a small forest. It's quite high up so you can see my whole town, and usually there is no one there.

How Do You Feel Today? #10

Wed, 26 Aug 2009 05:28:45 -0500

Time for a new thread. Last few from last one.

QUOTE (Trace @ Aug 25 2009, 01:40 PM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>

I have a wonderful, yet very strange sense of humour today. Its great fun.
Guess that means I am really getting back to normal after being ill for so long.

Trace

QUOTE (jimbow15 @ Aug 25 2009, 02:20 PM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>

Hi PRT,

I hate restless legs - ugh. - drive me crazy.

Today I am ok - fine - IT today! too wet to paint.

Jim Bow

QUOTE (PRT @ Aug 25 2009, 04:32 PM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>

Sorry you suffer from them too Jimbow. It's a fairly new thing for me, this often anyway. I've been to the gym anyway today so that's helped for the moment.

I feel good today - there's a little nagging negative voice in the back of my head but I'm not listening to it.

QUOTE (cotton @ Aug 25 2009, 05:55 PM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>

I'm feeling oddly hopeful today.

On the other hand, I'm wishing I could hire a professional hugger to come over and keep me company. It sounds so great to have a big cuddly guy and curl up in his arms and feel safe for a little bit. My partner's good for that, but he has to work. I need a day-time hugger too!

QUOTE (jimbow15 @ Aug 25 2009, 06:34 PM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>

Hi PRT,

Mine are only on occasions as well - Thanks

Hi Cotton: Go to Rent a Hugger (joking)

Jim Bow

QUOTE (cotton @ Aug 25 2009, 08:59 PM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>

QUOTE (jimbow15 @ Aug 25 2009, 10:34 AM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>

Hi Cotton: Go to Rent a Hugger (joking)

Jim Bow

Well there is the Free Hug campaign. It's on youtube. Makes me smile.

QUOTE (OceanBreeze9721 @ Aug 26 2009, 05:09 AM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>

I got the stomach flu, so all the things that Iwas supposed to do, I am canceling. I feel cr#ppy but I told my husband about it and my daughter is being so helpful, I am greatful.

Hugs for the forum.....

From Ocean.

QUOTE (allovertheplace @ Aug 26 2009, 09:30 AM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>

Well i am trying to keep myself going at the moment!

I have so much i still need to get done before next week, so i will have to keep going for now.

I need more sleep but who needs sleep anyway ? I guess 3 hours will have to do.

I hope everyone's day goes ok.

QUOTE (melissa @ Aug 26 2009, 10:08 AM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>

I'm actually out of bed and dressed...and it's just gone 9am here. My friend who also has depression and is an alcoholic in recovery invited me for hot chocolate, but I haven't heard back from her yet about what time to meet. She understands what it's like, and always manages to cheer me up. I'm feeling a bit low though, and want to go back to bed.

Hello Again, Df.org

Tue, 25 Aug 2009 16:38:19 -0500

Been a while since I�ve posted here, sooo� just wanted to check in and say hi.

I really wish I spent more time here. I think a lot of the time I�m in denial about my depression. Maybe that�s cuz my MD has diagnosed it as �mild depression�, but the fact of the matter is, some days it�s nonexistant, some days it�s mild, some days it�s medium, and some days it�s SEVERE.

And sometimes on the severe days (like today and yesterday) I�ll visit DF.org, and, even though I don�t post anything, I�ll read other peoples stories and then, inevitably, my lip starts quivering and then tears start streaming down my face. Almost as instantly and mechanically as if I�d just squeezed a saturated sponge. Not exactly tears of sadness, but tears of � what�t the right term ... basically, being reminded that I�m not alone. Being reminded that I�m not the only one who has layers upon layers of emotional problems to deal with.

I�m awed and overwhelmed by all the people on this site who, despite not being moderators or admins, seem to spend SO much time here, counseling those who live hundreds or even thousands of miles away, people who they�ll probably never meet. I wish I had the time and energy to do that. Maybe some day, sooner or later, I will.

Sooo anyway, again.. just thought I�d stop by and say hi. Wishing all the best to all of you.

Your friend,
Eddie

What Do You Really Think Of Yourself Right Now

Tue, 25 Aug 2009 14:10:12 -0500

Hi,

When I was depressed my opinion of myself is different than it is now I am fine.

I used to feel worthless, helpless and could see no point in living.

now I am ok, I feel a person, motivatd, reliable, and I love myself as I am. I could not feel that way when I was depressed, it was just too painful andI would not have believed myself anyway if I said I was a valuable person.

How do you feel right now?

Jim Bow

Return To Work Interview

Mon, 24 Aug 2009 15:10:14 -0500

Hi, I'm currently on IB. I've been asked to attend a Pathways to Work interview (?). I really don't want to attend due to my issues - however, the guy is being very persistent. I'm not sure what to do and it's making me very anxious. I tried to explain that all my reasons were on the IB50 form. He keeps saying that my benefit could be witheld if I don't attend. Help!

Where Is Your "happy Place"?

Fri, 21 Aug 2009 22:41:11 -0500

For me, one of the happiest places I can think of is somewhere I've never been. I don't know exactly where it is, but it's very green. I'm in a forest somewhere with tons of green vegetation. Ferns, moss, trees, grass, you name it. If it's green, its there. The trees are really tall, and there are little rays of light shining down from small spots between the branches. The air feels damp, and just cool enough to wear a fuzzy sweater. A few trees away there is a deer that has spotted me, watching cautiously. I think to myself how beautiful, peaceful, and graceful it is, and wish I could pet it. However, I know it will run away. I stop and turn when I notice there is the sound of a waterfall in the distance, just begging me to come explore and find it.

Now you try it! Seriously. My happy place was barely a passing thought before I tried to describe it to someone. It seems so much more real now. My goal is to one day find a place like it. I know it won't be exact, but I can get close :) And who knows. Maybe we can inspire happy places for some people who may not have a happy place.

How Are You Liking This Forum So Far???

Fri, 21 Aug 2009 17:02:54 -0500

I am really hoping to find a good and supportive forum. I am new here and would like to hear how others have been finding this forum so far.
Have you found others on here helpful and supportive?
Do you know people on here? Have you messaged or met them outside of here?
I would really like to get others feedback on here .

Thanks in advance

Applied For Esa Today... (uk)

Fri, 21 Aug 2009 12:42:14 -0500

Hi all,

I have not made many posts here, I felt better for a while but things came crashing down again recently.

If I may tell people about my job..I was made redundant in March (my whole dept was), and found another job just last month. It was a basic office job, I'm a graduate and have done office work before so consider myself over-qualified. IMHO they were very anally-rententive. I am having issues at the moment with my ex-boyfriend and anxiety, which meant I had trouble concentrating at work. They gave me several 'talks', said I need to be more cheerful on the phone and listen when people tell me things..I kept making mistakes even though I had started writing everything down. I would get confused easily and kept forgetting where files would go or what people had just asked me to do. I spent a lot of time crying in the toilets and obsessively thinking about things that were happening with my ex. I usually spent my lunch break crying :-(

I phoned in one day to say I would be late due to a medical emergency...after a terrible night I went to my Dr one morning and she prescribed paroxetine, which I have been taking for about 2 weeks now, and Valium to help me sleep. I then broke down crying at another 'talk' and said I have depression, sometimes I don't want to live. The boss said 'My mother had it' and seemed very sympathetic, said if I needed air I could go for breaks etc...

One day I ended up having to go home from work feeling dizzy and sick with anxiety after having no sleep due to an argument with my ex. More 'talks', the same boss basically told me to buck up and pull my socks up and that she should be able to tell me things about my work without me getting upset and how did I think that made her feel (well then I just felt like a burden!). At this point I was fed up, had only been there about 3 weeks, because I was TRYING so hard, when I can't remember simple things I know I've been told before it made me feel stupid.

Then the office manager came back from her holiday...told me she had no experience with depression personally and was the type to get on with things..I cried and told her I was trying my best, she said try harder or they would not be keeping me on. The next day (2 days ago) I went in early and said I'm trying my best but it's not working out, sorry, and left. She thanked me for my honesty. I would rather leave than get fired. I was fired a long time ago from another office job and it was so humiliating.

I had a Drs appointment today (pre-arranged), walked in and told her I quit my job. I think I could work depending on the job, but she said it's hard to tell how much was the job and how much was me..my last job (website assistant) I was there 18months and frequently cried in the toilets, got told to pull my socks up, but they still kept me on..she said she doesn't think I'm well enough to work and has signed me off sick for 3 weeks- as I understand it this sick note will enable me to get ESA (Employment and Support Allowance). She said I had to contact my local Jobcentreplus (emphasis on the plus) as they have some sort of scheme for people with health conditions and you can get counselling and the like..I phoned and ended up making a claim for ESA, which I gather is the new name for Incapacity Benefit?

I want to work, and IMHO my depression didn't interfere with this job anymore than my last job, but I am relieved as I hated the job...I'm just puzzled..I was far more depressed at uni, and no Drs ever mentioned anything like this to me before..

Sorry for the long post...

What Is Your Obsession?

Fri, 21 Aug 2009 03:42:33 -0500

Just for fun, what are your obsessions? What can't you get enough of? Would love to hear what you guys have to say!
For now these are a few of mine (please do not laugh!) :

Nail polish (just love all the different colours and a good mani always cheers me up!)
Moir's instant pudding (South African, cheap and easy to make. Addictive!)
Chocolate! (Preferably Lindt or any with 70% cacao content)
Jeans (I practically live in them, plus they're so comfy and never date!)
Coffee (always start the day with a good cup, have cut back though cause of anxiety)
My two dogs (They are just too cute and are always there when i'm feeling down)

Ok, now it's your turn!

Worthless Till The Grave

Thu, 20 Aug 2009 04:48:37 -0500

Song played while this was created, Seether - like suicide

Hands trembling, mind racing.. tipped at the edge of... Why.. why do you even try anymore!

God save me, save me from MYSELF! .. this immortal rage burns throughout my being..

Screaming with fear i turn towards the glow of the midnight sky, vengefully i gaze... why wont just let me be, why wont you let me die... I'm tried of trying.. why cant they understand any chance of recuperation has been lost in this chaotic battle... Aaarrrrgghhh!

Anything that was left has gone to a better home.. my hate and being is all that remains...

Shaking with insanity, lungs pleading for mercy as every breath pumps this system of self hate further along a lonely trail of destruction... can you hear it, can you hear them laughing at your every vague attempt at normality

It wasn't my fault.. tears streaming down my face, bringing me to my knees..

I... Arms raised in torment.. cant seem to grasp this life.. You should be locked up and laughed at! Fingers be pointing.. voices be mumbling.. yes, yes i agree doctor.. he never had a chance..

Feeling everything so sensitively isn't right.... I'm sure im a defect.. the bliss of the ignorant a****** would almost be heaven on earth..

I brace myself as i feel the violence coming towards the eye, NO i cry in anger, this is my destiny.. this is my life and a life to be lived.

Muscles intensifying, hands churning the earth beneath my tendons.. I explode into combat formation, im here for the finale fight and thy has not beaten me yet! Gaaaahhhhh!!!

Tips: If You Need Immediate Depression Relief

Wed, 19 Aug 2009 22:14:20 -0500

Hello, I will start by saying now that I am not a Psychiatrist or even a Psychologist. I currently attend Penn State University and study Computer Science and Engineering. However like most on this forum I suffer from a "Triad" of mental illnesses. I have OCD,ADD, and very mild Tics. I did go through a long period of depression because I was misdiagnosed and this and that, so I know what a lot of what people describe here are feeling, at one point I was even suicidal. I do however have an interest in Psychology (and philosophy which is strongly related in ways) as a side hobby, and I think I can offer some tips if you are feeling depressed at this moment right now!

First let me start by saying something. There is no magical pill out there that will make you all better in a flash, its just not reality. A good way to treat depression is with medication and psychotherapy. With that being said this is a list of things that help me when I am feeling down, even very down at some times.

1. Put on inspiring music (I know the next part sounds weird) then run up and down your steps or jog out side as hard and fast as
you can while listening to the music and absorbing its content. Doing this releases endorphins and can be very helpful!

2. Embrace the times you are down, when you are depressed and sad that's how you know you are living!!!! Even the happiest people in the world are depressed sometimes, and anxious as well. Learn to embrace and even look forward to new moments where you could experience some sadness. There is a saying that goes "If everyone in the room is an expert, then no one in the room is an expert." This applies to depression and happiness because I always say "If every one is happy all the time, then no one is happy ever." As paradoxical as it may sound, being depressed can be positive in doses, it lets you know that you are experiencing a different moment and thus are still very much a human being. Only robots are incapable of emotion, and that would probably suck.

3. Some of the greatest people in the world have done great things with their mental illnesses, keep this in mind. For example: Leonardo Da Vinci clearly was Bi-Polar and his ideas were far ahead of his time. Nikola Tesla a famous mathematical genius and electrical engineer suffered from OCD, and his over analytical mind helped him do his work! There is a whole laundry list of them google if you do not believe me. So the bottom line is think of your illness as a type of advantage ;-) *NOTE* A lot of mathematicians suffer from psychotic illnesses like this, sometimes TOO much thinking can drive you nuts!

4. Talk! Speak out and you will find a lot more people than you think experience what you do at times as well. I like to try to help people who have problems because I learn just from teaching and informing others as well. Give it a try.

5. Accept your depression literally. Say to yourself "Wow, I am very depressed right now." Once you know you're depressed, dawn on it no longer! Keep trying to be active and do things, sort of ignore your depression, it will help take your mind of it and lift your mood. More importantly you will stop wasting time self loathing and actually living.

6. This is a biggie for me especially. LIVE IN THE MOMENT! It is not good to think of the future all the time, you are where you are right now so handle whats in front of you first and have some fun. Just do it, don't even think about it. Go out and live!

These small things work for me, perhaps they are worth a go for others as well. Also here are some pretty obvious things of what NOT to do if very depressed at the moment:

1. Turn to drugs or other temporary mood lifting substances, what goes up must come down, and coming down hurts! Life if not
euphoria, if it were, we would be not be where we are living wise today, and euphoria would not exist in the first place.

2. Do not try to self medicate with your prescription meds from the doc. Take them as prescribed, and report anything you notice to the doctor asap, let him make the decisions based on what you experience, and make sure your doctor is a good one and you feel as if you are working with each other, not against.

3. Think about suicide. This is the cowards way out, plus think of all the others you will hurt by doing so. You may **** yourself and not even realize you could have done something great and drastic in the future, stick around and see what happens, its half the fun in life!
If you are feeling very over the edge, seek help immediately though!

Well this is all I have to offer, now go out and live.

Seneca

Tue, 18 Aug 2009 18:05:29 -0500

Hello,

I have just read one of the most convincing arguments for human suffering and the virtue of enduring hardship in ones life. It gave me strength and has actually managed to somewhat influence my opinion on this issue. People always tell you to embrace adversity and grow from it. However, seldom has this argument been made more convincingly than in the essay on providence by the ancient philosopher Seneca. I have copied it here for your reading pleasure.

The source is: OXFORD WORLD�S CLASSICS, SENECA - Dialogues and Essays.

I know it's rather long but don't let that scare you away.

V.

ON PROVIDENCE
TO LUCILIUS
Why some misfortunes happen to good men, although
there is providence
1. You have asked me, Lucilius,* why, if the world is governed
by providence, it is still the case that good men suﬀer from many
misfortunes. This question would receive a more ﬁtting answer in a
coherent work that set out to prove that providence does preside over
us all and that God concerns himself with us; but since your wish is
that a small part be severed from the whole and that I refute a single
objection without tackling the main question, I shall turn my hand to
a task that is not diﬃcult�it is the gods� cause I shall be pleading.
It is superﬂuous for present purposes to show that this great ediﬁce
of the world does not stand without some power to guard it, or that
the stars that assemble and disperse above us are not propelled by
chance; that, though bodies whose motion is due to accident frequently
become disordered and swiftly collide, our rapidly revolving heavens,
governed as they are by eternal law, proceed without hindrance,
displaying so many things by land and sea, so many radiant lights in
the sky all gleaming in ﬁxed order; that this system is not produced
by matter which moves randomly, and that such combinations as do
result from chance are not dependent on the great artistry that makes
the earth with all its mighty weight remain stationary, observing the
swift passage of the heavens as they whirl around it, that makes the
seas, ﬂooding the valleys, soften the land, and feel no increase from
the rivers, and makes enormous growths arise from the smallest
seeds. Not even those natural events which appear capricious and
undetermined�I mean showers of rain and clouds, the strokes of
crashing thunderbolts and the ﬁres that leap up from shattered
mountain peaks, the tremors of the ground when it quakes, and the
other motions caused around the earth by the violent element in
nature�not even those occur without reason, however suddenly
they occur; no, they too have speciﬁc causes, in the same way as
phenomena which are taken to be miraculous because the setting in
which we see them happen is so incongruous�I mean warm waters
in the middle of sea waves, and chains of new islands springing up in
the vastness of the ocean. Again, if anyone observes how shores are
laid bare as the sea withdraws into itself, and yet are covered again in
the shortest of time, he will believe it is some unseen ﬂuctuation that
causes the waves now to diminish and ﬂow inwards, now to burst
forth and with a great surge reclaim their former home; but in fact
the waves increase by degrees, approaching to the hour and day
proportionately larger or smaller in volume as they are attracted by
the star we call the moon, whose power controls the ocean�s surge.
But let matters such as this be kept for their proper time, all the more so
as you do not question the existence of providence but complain of it.
I shall restore you to good relations with the gods, who are best to
the best of men. For it is not Nature�s way to let good ever do harm
to good; between good men and the gods exists a friendship sealed by
virtue. Friendship, do I say? No, rather it is a bond of relationship
and similarity, since undoubtedly a good man diﬀers from God only
in the sphere of time; he is God�s pupil and imitator, his true oﬀspring
whom that illustrious parent, no gentle trainer in virtue, rears with
severity, as strict fathers do. And so, when you see good men of whom
the gods approve toiling and sweating, with a steep road to climb,and
bad men, on the other hand, enjoying themselves, surrounded by
pleasures, consider that our sons please us by their self-control, but
our house-slaves by their free spirit, that we restrain the former by
tighter discipline and nurture the latter�s boldness of manner. It is no
diﬀerent with God, let me assure you: he does not pamper a good
man like a favourite slave; he puts him to the test, hardens him, and
makes him ready for his service.
2. �Why do many reversals of fortune happen to good men?�
Nothing bad canhappen to a good man: opposites do not mix. Just
as the vast number of rivers, all the rain that falls in showers from
above, and the massive volume of mineral springs do not alter the
taste of the sea, do not even moderate it, so adversity�s onslaughts are
powerless to aﬀect the spirit of a brave man: it remains unshaken and
makes all events assume its own colour; for it is stronger than all
external forces. I do not mean that he is insensible to those forces but
that he conquers them, and as a man who in all else is calm and tran-
quil of mind he rises to face whatever attacks him. All adversity he
regards as a training exercise. Who, provided he is a man and intent
on what is right, will shirk reasonable toil or show reluctance to face
duties involving danger? What man of energy does not ﬁnd inactivity
apunishment? We see wrestlers, who concern themselves with physi-
cal strength, matching themselves with only the strongest opponents,
and requiring those who prepare them for a bout to use all their
strength against them; they expose themselves to blows and hurt,
and if they do not ﬁnd one man to match them, they take on several
at a time. Excellence withers without an adversary: the time for us to
see how great it is, how much its force, is when it displays its power
through endurance. I assure you, good men should do the same: they
should not be afraid to face hardships and diﬃculties, or complain of
fate; whatever happens, good men should take it in good part, and
turn it to a good end; it is not what you endure that matters, but how
you endure it.
Do you not see how diﬀerently fathers and mothers show their
love? The father orders his children to be roused early to pursue their
studies, not allowing them to be idle even on a holiday, and wrings
from them sweat and sometimes tears; but the mother wants to cherish
them in her embrace and keep them out of the sun�s glare, and wishes
them never to know sadness, never to shed tears, never to toil. It is a
father�s heart that God shows to good men; he loves them in a manly
way, and says, �Let them know the pain of toil, of suﬀering, of loss,
so that they may acquire true strength.� Bodies that have become fat
grow sluggish through lack of use, and not eﬀort alone but even
movement and their very own weight cause them to fail. Prosperity
that is undiminished cannot withstand a single blow; but the man
who has struggled constantly against his own ills becomes hardened
by suﬀering and no misfortune makes him yield, indeed, if he falls,
he still ﬁghts on his knees. Are you surprised if that God who so
loves good men and wants them to be as good, as virtuous as possible,
assigns to them a fortune that will make them struggle? It causes me
no surprise if the gods are sometimes moved by the desire to view great
men struggling against some calamity. We humans at times enjoy the
sight of a courageous youth meeting the charge of some beastwith his
spear-point, if without fear he stands up to a charging lion, and the
more honourable the young man who does so, the more pleasure we
take in the sight. But these are not the kind of actions that can make
the gods gaze on us, being merely childish things that amuse frivolous
humans; no, here is a spectacle worthy of God�s attention as he
contemplates his own work, here is a contest worthy of God�a
brave man matched against bad fortune, all the more so if he has
made the challenge. I cannot, I say, imagine a ﬁner spectacle on earth
for Jupiter to view, should he wish to turn his attention there, than
that of Cato,*when his cause had been shattered more than once
already, yet standing upright amid the ruins of the republic. �Let all
the world fall under one man�s sway,� he said, �let Caesar�s legions
guard the land and his ships the sea, let his troops blockade the
city-gates, Cato has yet a means of escape: with one hand he will open
abroad path to freedom. This sword, that even civil war has not
sullied or stained with guilt, shall at last render good and noble service:
the freedom that it could not give to its country it will give to Cato!
Come, my soul, attempt the task you have long planned, set yourself
free from the world of men! Already Petreius and Juba*have clashed
in combat and lie slain, each by the other�s hand, a pact with fate that
shows courage and nobility, but would not suit my own greatness: for
Cato to ask for death at another�s hand is as shameful as to ask for
life.� I am in no doubt that the gods looked on with great pleasure,
while that man, so ﬁerce in avenging himself, took thought for the
safety of others and enabled his departing comrades to make their
escape; while he pursued his studies even on that ﬁnal night; while
he drove the sword into his holy breast; while he spilled his guts and
with his hand gave passage to that most upright soul, so unworthy of
a sword�s deﬁlement. This, I would like to believe, is why the wound
he dealt himself was not well-aimed or successful: it was not enough
for the immortal gods to gaze only once on Cato; his bravery was kept
in check and summoned again so that it might reveal itself in a harder
role; for it requires greater courage to seek death twice than once.
It must have pleased the gods to watch their pupil leaving life in such
a distinguished and memorable end. Death consecrates those men
whose death wins praise even from the fearful.
3. But as the discussion proceeds, I shall show how true evils are
not those which appear to be so: I now make this point, that the
things you call hardships, that you call adversities and detestable,
actually are of beneﬁt, ﬁrst to the very persons they happen to, and
secondly to the whole human race, which matters more to the gods
than individuals do; I also say that good men are willing that such things
should happen to them, and that, if they are unwilling, misfortuneis
what they deserve. I will go further, and say that it is by destiny that
these events occur in this way, and that they happen to good men by
the same law which is responsible for their being good. I will proceed
to persuade you never to feel pity for a good man; for men can call
him wretched, but he can never be so.
The most diﬃcult of the propositions I put forward appears to be
the one I made ﬁrst, that the things which induce fear and loathing
in us are of beneﬁt to the very persons to whom they happen. �Is it to
our beneﬁt�, you ask, �to be thrown into exile, to be reduced to poverty,
to follow the funeral procession of our children or wife, to suﬀer
public disgrace or be broken in health?� If you are surprised that
these things are of beneﬁt to a man, you will be surprised that surgery
and cautery, yes, and abstinence from food and drink, sometimes
make sick men whole. But if you reﬂect that, in order to eﬀect a cure,
some men have their bones scraped and removed, and their veins
extracted, and that sometimes limbs are amputated which could not
be left without the whole body being destroyed, you will allow your-
self to be convinced also of this fact, some things which are praised and
eagerly sought are bad for those who take delight in them, things very
like over-eating, drinking too much, and the other activities that ****
through pleasure. Among the many splendid sayings of our friend
Demetrius*there is this one, which I have recently heard�it still
sounds and rings in my ears: �Nothing�, he said, �seems to me more
unhappy than the man who has no experience of adversity.� For he
has not been allowed to put himself to the test.
Although everything has ﬂowed in his direction according to his
prayer, even before his prayer, yet the gods have passed an unfavourable
judgement on him: he was considered unworthy of ever gaining a
victory over Fortune, who draws back from all men with cowardly
hearts, as though she were saying: �Why should I select that fellow as
my opponent? He will lower his weapons at once; I have no need of
all my power against him�an idle threat will send him packing�he
cannot bear to look me in the eye. Let me search for another man I
can come to blows with: I am ashamed to ﬁght a man who is ready to
yield the victory.� A gladiator counts it shameful to be matched against
a lesser opponent, and knows that a victory won without dangeris won
without fame. With Fortune it is the same: she looks for the bravest
men to match with her, and passes some men by with scorn. She
attacks all who are most unyielding and obdurate, men she can test
her strength against: she tried Mucius by ﬁre, Fabricius by poverty,
Rutilius by exile, Regulus by torture, Socrates by poison, Cato by
death.*Only bad fortune reveals a great example.
Is Mucius unfortunate because he seizes the ﬁre of the enemy with
his right hand and exacts from himself punishment for his mistake,
because he routs with scorched hand the enemy he failed to rout with
armed hand? Tell me, would he be happier if he were warming his
hand in his mistress�s bosom?
Is Fabricius unfortunate because he tills his own ﬁelds, whenever
he gains respite from business of state? Because he wages war as much
on wealth as he does on Pyrrhus? Because he dines at his hearth on
those very roots and herbs he pulled up while cleaning oﬀhis land,
he, an old man honoured by a triumph? Tell me, would he be happier
if he heaped his belly with ﬁsh from a distant shore and fowl from
foreign parts, if he stirred his dyspeptic stomach from its torpor with
shellﬁsh from the Adriatic and Tuscan seas, if he had wild game of the
ﬁrst rank, taken at the cost of many a hunter�s life, served up to him
with a huge pile of fruit all around?
Is Rutilius unfortunate because the men who condemned him will be
pleading their case in every generation? Because he was more content
to endure his country�s loss of him than his own loss of exile? Because
he alone refused anything to the dictator Sulla and, when he was
recalled from banishment, he virtually withdrew and ﬂed to a greater
distance? �Let those whom your �happy age� has caught in Rome�,
he said, �enjoy the sightRutilius by exile, Regulus by torture, Socrates by poison, Cato by
death.*Only bad fortune reveals a great example.
Is Mucius unfortunate because he seizes the ﬁre of the enemy with
his right hand and exacts from himself punishment for his mistake,
because he routs with scorched hand the enemy he failed to rout with
armed hand? Tell me, would he be happier if he were warming his
hand in his mistress�s bosom?
Is Fabricius unfortunate because he tills his own ﬁelds, whenever
he gains respite from business of state? Because he wages war as much
on wealth as he does on Pyrrhus? Because he dines at his hearth on
those very roots and herbs he pulled up while cleaning oﬀhis land,
he, an old man honoured by a triumph? Tell me, would he be happier
if he heaped his belly with ﬁsh from a distant shore and fowl from
foreign parts, if he stirred his dyspeptic stomach from its torpor with
shellﬁsh from the Adriatic and Tuscan seas, if he had wild game of the
ﬁrst rank, taken at the cost of many a hunter�s life, served up to him
with a huge pile of fruit all around?
Is Rutilius unfortunate because the men who condemned him will be
pleading their case in every generation? Because he was more content
to endure his country�s loss of him than his own loss of exile? Because
he alone refused anything to the dictator Sulla and, when he was
recalled from banishment, he virtually withdrew and ﬂed to a greater
distance? �Let those whom your �happy age� has caught in Rome�,
he said, �enjoy the sight of it: let them see the blood ﬂowing in the
forum, the heads of senators placed above Servilius� pool (for that is
where Sulla�s proscriptions*dispose of their victims), and gangs of
assassins roaming all over the city, and many thousands of Roman
citizens slaughtered in one place after, or rather because of, a guarantee
of security; let those who cannot undergo exile enjoy such sights.�
Tell me, is Lucius Sulla fortunate*because men are pushed out of his
path at sword-point as he makes his way down to the forum? Because
he allows the heads of men of consular rank to be shown to him and
makes the treasury oﬃcial pay for the cost of their murder out of public
funds? And these are all the actions of the very man who proposedthe
Cornelian law!*
Let us come to Regulus:*what harm did Fortune do to him in
making him an example of honesty, an example of endurance? His
skin is pierced by nails, and wherever he rests his exhausted frame he
lies upon a wound; his eyes stare out in unending sleeplessness: yet
the greater his torture is, the greater will be his fame. Do you wish to
know how little he regrets that he set virtue at such a price? Set him
free from the cross and send him back to the senate: he will state the
same opinion. Do you, then, consider Maecenas a more fortunate
man, who, distressed by aﬀairs of the heart and lamenting the daily
rebuﬀs of a cantankerous wife,*would seek sleep by means of harmo-
nious music playing softly at a distance? Though he steeps his senses
in unmixed wine, and diverts his anxious mind with the sound of
water falling, beguiling it with a thousand pleasures, he will no more
ﬁnd sleep on his pillow than Regulus on his cross; but while the one
has the consolation of enduring hardship for what is right and dwells
not on his suﬀering but on its cause, the other, enervated by pleasures
and encumbered with excessive good fortune, is tormented more by
the cause of his suﬀering than by what he suﬀers. The human race
has surely not become so subject to vice that there is any doubt that
more men would prefer to be born a Regulus than a Maecenas, if fate
permitted them the choice; or should there be anyone bold enough
to say he would rather have been born a Maecenas than a Regulus,
then that same fellow, though he deny it, would rather have been
born a Terentia.
In your opinion was Socrates badly treated because he drank down
the well-known drink that the Athenians mixed for him just as if it
was the elixir of immortality,*and discoursed on death right up to
the point when it claimed him? Was he ill-used because his blood
grew cold and gradually stopped pulsing in his veins, as the chill
stole over him? How much more should we envy him than those who
are served with goblets of gold, whose wine is diluted with snow held
above in a golden bowl by a catamite, trained to submit to any treatment,
his sexual parts removed or in abeyance! These men will measure out
whatever they have drunk in vomit, tasting anew with twisted lips
their own bile, but he will drink down poison cheerfully and with a
happy heart.
As far as Cato is concerned, enough has been said, and the consen-
sus of men will grant that the fullest measure of happiness fell to that
man, whom Nature chose to be the one to confront her dreaded power.
�The enmity of powerful men makes for hardship,� she said: �let him
match himself against all three of Pompey, Caesar, and Crassus.*It is a
hardship to be overtaken by inferior men in competing for oﬃce: let him
come behind Vatinius.*It is a hardship to take part in civil wars: let him
ﬁght all the world over for a cause that is just, unsuccessful to the last
and stubborn to the last. It is a hardship to do violence to oneself: let
him do it. What shall I gain by this? That all may know that these
trials I have considered worthy of Cato are not true ills.�
4.Good fortune comes to common men and even to those of infer-
ior talent; but only a great man is able to triumph over the disasters
and terrors aﬄicting mortal life. It is true that to be always happy and
to pass through life without any mental distress is to lack knowledge
of one half of nature. You are a great man: but on what do I base this
if Fortune denies you the opportunity to demonstrate your worth?
You have entered the lists at the Olympic Games, but you are the
only competitor: you win the crown, but the victory is not yours;
I congratulate you, but not as a brave man, rather as one who has
gained the oﬃce of consul or praetor: it is your personal standing that
has been enhanced. I can make the same point also to a good man, if
no more diﬃcult circumstance has given him the chance to show his
mental strength: �You are unfortunate in my judgement, for you have
never been unfortunate. You have passed through life with no antag-
onist to face you; no one will know what you were capable of, not
even you yourself.� For a man needs to be put to the test if he is to
gain self-knowledge; only by trying does he learn what his capacities are.
Consequently some men have presented themselves of their own
accord to misfortune when it is slow to aﬄict them, seeking to ﬁnd
an opportunity for their worth to shine out when it is in danger of
falling into obscurity. Sometimes great men delight, I say, in adversity,
just as brave soldiers delight in warfare; I once heard the gladiator
Triumphus in the reign of Tiberius Caesar complaining about the
shortage of shows: �What a splendid age has passed away!� he said.
True worth is eager for danger, and gives thought to its aim, not
what it will endure, as even what it will endure is a part of its renown.
Warriors glory in their wounds, and delight in displaying the blood
that was spilled in better fortune: those who return unscathed from
battle may do the same, but the wounded survivor attracts more eyes.
God, I say, is favouring those he wants to attain to the highest possible
excellence whenever he gives them the means to perform a brave and
courageous action, and for this purpose they must encounter some
diﬃculty in life: you would come to know a ship�s pilot in a storm
and a soldier in the line of battle. How can I know with what strength
of mind you would face poverty, if you abound in wealth? How can
I know what fortitude you would show in the face of disgrace, dis-
honour, and the hatred of the people, if you grow old to the sound of
cheers, if you attract an irresistible popularity that falls to you from
a certain disposition of men�s minds? How do I know how calmly you
will bear the loss of children, if you see all the ones you have fathered?
I have heard you giving consolation to others: that was when I might
have seen your true worth, had you been consoling yourself, or telling
yourself not to grieve. Do not, I implore you, live in dread of what
the immortal gods apply like spurs to our souls: disaster is the oppor-
tunity for true worth. It would be just to describe as wretched those
who are dulled by excessive good fortune, who remain at rest, as it
were, in dead calm upon an untroubled sea: whatever happens to them
will come as a change. The cruelty of Fortune bears harder on the
inexperienced; it is the tender neck that ﬁnds the yoke oppressive;
the raw recruit grows pale at the thought of a wound, but fearlessly the
veteran looks at his own gore, knowing that blood has often been
the price to pay for victory. And so it is that God hardens, reviews,
and disciplines those who have won his approval and love; but those
whom he seems to favour, whom he seems to spare, he is keeping soft
against the misfortunes that are to come. You are wrong if you think
anyone has been exempted from ill; the man who has known happiness
for many a year will receive his share some day; whoever seems tohave
been set free from this has only been granted a delay.
Why does God aﬄict the best men with bad health, or grief, or
other misfortunes? Because in the army the bravest men are ordered
to carry out dangerous missions: it is the picked soldiers whom a
general sends to take the enemy by surprise in an attack by night, or
to reconnoitre a route, or to force a garrison to yield their position.
Not one of them as he goes oﬀsays, �the general has done me a bad
turn�, but rather, �this is a sign of his favour�. The same should be
said by men who are ordered to undergo trials that would make the
faint-hearted and cowards weep: �God has judged us worthy instru-
ments of his purpose to ascertain how much human nature can bear.�
Shun luxury, shun good fortune that makes men weak and causes
their minds to grow sodden, and, unless something happens to remind
them of their human lot, they waste away, lulled to sleep, as it were,
in a drunkenness that has no end. If a man has always been protected
from draughts by glazed windows, if his feet have been kept warm
by hot compresses, regularly applied, if his dining-rooms have been
controlled by hot air passing below the ﬂoor and round all the walls,
he will run no small risk if he is brushed by a gentle breeze. Although
all things in excess bring harm, the greatest danger comes from
excessive good fortune: it stirs the brain, invites the mind to entertain
idle fancies, and shrouds in thick fog the distinction between falsehood
and truth. Would it not be better to endure unending misfortune,
having enlisted the help of virtue, than to burst with limitless and
extravagant blessings? Men meet a gentler death through starvation,
but explode from gorging themselves.
So the gods follow the same rule in the case of good men as teachers
do in dealing with their pupils, requiring greater eﬀort from the ones
who inspire the surer hope. Surely you don�t suppose that Spartans
hate their children when they test their character by means of public
ﬂoggings? Their own fathers encourage them to endure bravely the
blows of the lash, and ask them, mangled and half-dead though they
are, to continue oﬀering their wounded backs to further wounds.
What, then, is remarkable in God testing noble spirits with severity?
Never is the proof of virtue mild. Fortune lays into us with the whip
and tears our ﬂesh: let us endure it. It is not cruelty but a contest, and
the more often we engage in it, the stronger our hearts will be: the
sturdiest part of the body is the one that is kept in constant use. We must
oﬀer ourselves to Fortune so that in struggling with her we may be hard-
ened by her: little by little she will make us a match for her, and con-
stant exposure to risk will make us despise dangers. So the bodies of
mariners are tough from the buﬀeting of the sea, the hands of farmers
calloused, the muscles of soldiers strong to enable them to hurl the
javelin, the legs of athletes agile: in each case the part of the body exer-
cised is the strongest. It is by enduring ills that the mind can acquire
contempt for enduring them; what this endurance can achieve in our
own case you will know if you observe how much toil produces for
those destitute peoples whose lack of means makes them the more
sturdy. Consider all the nations beyond the scope of Roman civilization,
I mean the Germans and all the nomadic tribes that oppose us in the
region of the Danube: they are oppressed by unending winter and a
gloomy sky, and grudged sustenance by a barren soil; they keep oﬀ
the rain by means of thatch or leaves, they range over marshes frozen
with ice, they catch wild beasts for food. Do you think they are
unhappy creatures? There is no unhappiness for those whom habit
has brought back to nature; for little by little what they begin from
necessity becomes a pleasure. No homes, no resting-places do they
have except those that fatigue assigns for the day; their food is ﬁt for
beggars and must be gained by hand, the harshness of the climate is
fearful, no clothing covers their bodies: this state, which you regard
as disastrous, constitutes the life of so many tribes. Why are you
surprised that good men are shaken so that they may gain strength?
No tree is sturdy or ﬁrm-rooted without enduring many an assault
from the wind; for the battering itself makes it tighten its grip and ﬁx
its roots more securely: trees that have grown in a sunny valley lack
strength. Accordingly it is expedient even for good men, in order
that they may be fearless, to spend much time in fearful pursuits, and
to endure with a patient mind things that are bad only to the one who
bears them badly.
5.Take into account the further fact that it is to everyone�s beneﬁt
that all the best men become soldiers, so to speak, and do service.
God�s purpose, and the wise man�s, too, is to show that what ordin-
ary men desire, and what they fear, are not either goods or evils; but
it will appear that there aregoods, if these are granted only to good
men, and that there are evils, if these penalize only bad men.
Blindness will earn men�s curses if no one loses his eyes except the
man who merits having them ripped out; therefore let an Appius and
a Metellus*be denied the daylight. Wealth is not a good; therefore
let even the pimp Elius have wealth, so that men, despite hallowing
money in temples, may see it also in a brothel. In no way can God
better cast doubt on what we desire than by awarding those things to
the most disreputable men and denying them to the best. �But it is
unjust that a good man should be maimed or pierced with weapons
or put in fetters, while bad men proceed on their way freely, pampered
and quite unscathed.� But consider: is it not unjust that brave men
should take up arms and spend all night in camp, standing before the
rampart with bandaged wounds, while in the city perverts and those
who live on vice have not a care to trouble them? Again, is it not
unjust that the noblest maidens are roused each night to perform the
sacred rites, while those whose lives are mired in sin enjoy the deep-
est slumber? Toil summons the best men: the senate often remains in
session for the whole day, though all that time the most worthless
fellows amuse themselves at the Campus Martius or skulk in an eating-
house or fritter away their time in some gathering. It is the same in
this great commonwealth of mankind: good men work, spend their
energies and have them spent, and all without complaint; they are
not dragged along by Fortune but follow her and match her pace; if
they had known how, they would have left her in their wake. Here is
a spirited remark of that brave man Demetrius*I remember having
heard: �I can make only this complaint against you, immortal gods,�
he said, �that you did not make your will known to me before now;
for all the sooner would I have reached the state I now am in, after
your summons. Do you wish to take my children? It was for you I
fathered them. Do you wish to take some part of my body? Take it:
it is no great thing I oﬀer you, and soon I will leave the whole behind.
Do you wish to take my life? Why should I object at all to your taking
back what you gave? All that you ask for shall be willingly given. What
troubles me, then? I should have preferred to oﬀer than to deliver.
What need was there to take by force? You could have had it as a gift;
but not even now will you take it so, for nothing is forced from a man�s
grip unless he seeks to keep it there.�
I am in no way under compulsion, I suﬀer nothing against my will,
and I follow God, not as his slave, but as his pupil, all the more so
because I know that everything moves forward according to a law that
isﬁxed and passed for eternity. Fate is our guide, and the amount of
time that remains for each of us was determined at the ﬁrst hour of
our birth. Cause is linked with cause, and all matters public and private
are directed by a long sequence of events; that is why we should endure
everything with courage, because it is not by accident, as we suppose,
that everything happens, but by design. Long ago it was decided
what should make you happy, what should make you weep, and,
although individual men�s lives appear to be marked by considerable
change, they all end as one thing: we receive what will perish, and will
ourselves perish. Why, then, are we resentful? Why do we complain?
For this we are prepared. Let Nature make whatever use she pleases
of matter, which is her own: let us be cheerful and brave in the face
of all, and consider that nothing of our own perishes. What is the
duty of a good man? To oﬀer himself to fate. It is no small consola-
tion that we are swept along together with the universe; whatever it
is that has ordered us to live like this and to die like this, binds the
gods as well by the same necessity. An unchangeable course carries
along the aﬀairs of men and gods alike: the great creator and ruler of
the universe himself wrote fate�s decrees, it is true, but he follows
them; he obeys for ever, but made his decrees only once.
�But why was God so unjust in allotting fate that he assigned
poverty and wounds and cruel deaths to good men?� The creator
cannot alter matter: this is the law to which it has submitted. Certain
features cannot be separated from certain others, they cling to one
another, and cannot be divided. Natures that are indolent and prone
to sleep, or to a state of wakefulness that is virtually sleep, are formed
of dull elements: it requires a stronger fate to produce a man who
deserves serious mention. For him the road will not be level: uphill
and downhill must he go, tossed by waves as he steers his vessel
through stormy seas. He must hold his course against the force of
Fortune; much will happen that is hard and rough, but the one he
will himself soften, the other make even.
Asﬁre tests gold, so misfortune tests brave men. See how high virtue
must climb: you will learn the path she must take is fraught with peril:
Steep is the way at ﬁrst, which my steeds scarce
Can climb in morning freshness; in mid-sky
The altitude is greatest and the sight
Of land and sea has often struck
In my own heart an agony of fear.
Theﬁnal part drops sheer; then above all
Control must be assured, and even she
Whose waters lie below to welcome me,
Tethys, waits fearful lest I headlong fall.*
When he heard these words, that noble youth replied: �I like the jour-
ney, I shall mount; though I fall, it is worth the risk to soar above
such sights.� But his father did not cease from trying to make his bold
heart tremble with fear:
And though you keep your course and steer aright,
Yet you shall meet the Bull, must brave his horns,
And face the Archer and the ravening Lion.*
To this he said: �Harness the chariot you have granted: what you
think makes me frightened makes me bold; I want to stand where the
Sun himself shakes with fear.� The soul that is earth-bound and sluggish
will follow the safe course: virtue takes to the heights.
6.�But why does God allow something bad to happen to men who
are good?� He absolutely does not. He keeps apart from them all
manner of evil�crime and sin, wicked thoughts and schemes to
foster greed, blind lust and avarice ready to pounce on another�s
goods; he guards and rescues from harm the good man himself:
surely no one makes the extra demand that God should keep the
good man�s baggage safe as well? The good man himself spares God
any concern for this: he has contempt for external things. Democritus
rejected wealth, regardingit as a burden to the virtuous mind: why,
then, are you surprised that God allows the good man to experience
something that the man sometimes chooses for himself? Good men
lose sons: why not, as sometimes they even **** them themselves?
They are sent into exile: why not, as sometimes they freely quit their
homeland, never to return?They are killed: why not, as sometimes
they choose to take their own lives? Why do they suﬀer certain hard-
ships? The reason is so that they may teach others to endure them;
they were born to set an example. Imagine, therefore, God saying:
�What complaint can you make of me, you who have chosen the course
of virtue? Other men I have surroundedwith false blessings and have
mocked their vacant minds, as it were, with a long, deceptive dream:
I have adorned them with gold and silver and ivory, but inside there
is nothing good. Those you regard as fortunate, could you only see
them in their hearts, not as they meet the eye, are wretched, dirty,
ugly, and, like the walls of their own homes, decorated only on the out-
side; such good fortune is not long-lasting or genuine: it is plaster-
work, and thinly applied at that. So, as long as they may stand and
show themselves as they would wish, they dazzle and deceive; when
something happens to disrupt and uncover them, then all may see
what depth of true ugliness their borrowed splendour concealed. To
you I have given blessings that are sure and destined to last, ones that
are better and greater the more someone turns them over and looks
at them from every angle; I have allowed you to despise terrors and
to scorn desires; outwardly you do not shine, your blessings are
directed inwards. In this way the universe despises externals and
delights in viewing itself. Inside I have given you every good; your good
fortune consists in not needing good fortune.
�Yet many grim events do befall us, terrible and hard to endure.�
Because I could not remove you from their path, I armed your minds
to combat them all: endure with courage. This is where you may
surpass God: he is beyond the endurance of evil, you triumph over it.
Despise poverty: no one lives as poor as he was born.
�Despise pain: it will either be relieved or will give you relief. Despise
death: it either ends you or takes you elsewhere. Despise Fortune: I have
given her no weapon for striking your soul. Above all I have taken
care that no one may detain you against your will; the way out lies
open: if you do not wish to ﬁght, you may run away. That is why, out
of all the things I judged necessary for you, I have made nothing
easier than dying. I placed life on a downward slope: if it is prolonged,
only observe and you will see how short, how easy is the path that
leads to freedom. I have not made your departure from life as linger-
ing and tedious as your entrance; otherwise, if men�s deaths were as
protracted as their births, Fortune would have maintained her great
dominion over you. Let every time, every place teach you how easy
it is to reject the claims of Nature and to throw her gift back in her
face; in the very midst of altars and the customary rites of sacriﬁce,
as you make your prayers for life, acquaint yourself fully with death.
The fatted bodies of bulls fall from a slight wound, and creatures of
great strength are felled by a blow from one man�s hand; a thin blade
severs the sutures of the neck, and when that joint which links head
and neck has been cut, all that great mass collapses.
�The soul does not lie hidden in a deep recess, no knife at all is
needed to root it out; no wound must be planted deep to search for
the vital parts: death is close to hand. I have set no deﬁnite place for
these mortal blows: anywhere you wish, the way lies open. That very
thing which is called dying, the soul�s departure from the body, is so
brief that its swiftness cannot be perceived: whether a knot strangles
your throat, or water stops you breathing, or you fall to the hard
ground below and it crushes your skull, or ﬂame you inhale cuts oﬀ
the process of breathing: whatever it is, your end comes fast. Are you
not blushing with shame? For so long you have dreaded what happens
in a moment!�