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mercy8125

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  1. I am currently 20 years old. When I graduated high school 2 years ago I noticed I just didn't feel the same. Of course graduating can be a big change for some people. However, I knew what I wanted to do with my life and had a plan so I just ignored how I felt. Now, 2 years later it has gotten worse. I would still classify it as mild-moderate but I now realize I have depression. I have never been to see anyone as I am on my parents' insurance and they don't know. I don't feel like I can tell them and I don't want to. The only people who know are 3 of my friends and I am currently only talking to one of them. Now I'll describe how I feel. I often lash out at my mom. Not horribly or violently but she'll ask a question and I'll answer it meanly. I don't want to. I love her to death and she is amazing. I also lay around a lot. Obviously the depression is part of it but I don't feel like I have anyone I can hang out with because everyone I know works or has a boyfriend. I work but only for part of the year. I also feel like no one cares about me. I feel like I have to contact them first and even if I do I feel like I am a major burden on them. The only person I don't feel like this with is my cousin's wife who I feel like I can't tell her about my depression. Even so she is the one person besides my parents who tell me how much they love me and how amazing I am. I am also more tired and weak then I used to be. I'll get up in the mornings on days I don't have school or work and get right on the computer and sit there all day, only moving to use the restroom, get something to eat, and pick up. Somedays though I do have things to do such as go places with my mom or sister or a close friend. But that's rare. Mostly my depression makes me hate myself. I don't hate other people, I hate myself. I hate myself for having depression, for being lazy and pathetic, for feeling like I push my friends away when I don't do anything to do it, for feeling fat when I'm a size 2, for thinking I'm ugly. There are so many reasons I hate myself. This beast of depression has started to take over my life. I have never been anywhere near the point of suicide and I am greatful for that everyday. I did reassure my friend that if I did get to that point I would get help. I also experience anxiety and must double check things such as curling irons to make sure they are unplugged multiple times which has also gotten worse lately. So that's how I feel right now. I would love to start doing non-medical things to get myself out of this depression such as exercise and eating healthier and getting outside everyday. However, I'm to tired and have no motivation because of the depression. Sorry if this post is to long and I know it kind of skips around. I'm also hoping that people new to this site like me will see my post and others posts of their stories and realize they are neither crazy, nor alone.