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About Altl13

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  • Birthday September 1

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  1. No it isn't pathetic for coming here to express how you are feeling. I know exactly how you are feeling and going through right now. I went/am going through the same thing right now. The only way it will get better is for you to say how you feel and to express yourself. I know it is scary to say what you are thinking and feeling, but when you finally let these feelings and most inner demons out you will feel so much better. I am here for you if you need to talk.
  2. sending love and hugs to you.
  3. The struggle

    Lately I haven't been able to keep my emotions inside, I haven't been able to bottle them up anymore. I just got two new diagnoses and they are a psychotic disorder and severe ptsd. I don't know how to feel about it. My shrink wants to put me into the hospital, but I can't go there again. I can't just put my life on hold like that again. Then the police contacted me this week again about the case of my ex who abused me and raped me and it makes everything much worst. I am struggling to keep holding on. I started self harming again, because I need to feel something. I can't see the light at the end of the tunnel. I am trying to find a purpose to keep going but it is so hard to. Somedays I wish I could be dead and be with my mom. Its so hard to keep going everyday in recovery and progressing because she should be here too fighting her own addition and demons. Her alcoholism took her and I wish somedays that mine did too. I don't know what to think anymore right now.
  4. Don't know what to think

    Well right now i don't know what to think, I was recently seeing a guy he was a I guess a friend with benefits, but he kept telling me how he likes me and cares about me so i put my walls up. I read an article about him and how he is being accused of groping women and other sexual indecencies... I flipped out I had a panic attack and I had to get tested for STD's. I went off on him somewhat and apparently my friends called him as well which I wasn't aware of. This all happened during finals week and well that just messed everything up. Sad thing is I still care about him, I finally admit to him and myself that I like him/care fro him. I don't know what to think about that or how I should feel. I know he's scared about being with me I know he has hesitations. I just also want to know why he never told me because finding out because of articles online really f***ed me over. I am confused and I don't know what to think or feel anymore. I don't even expect him to still be interested in me or even speak to me yet he still texts me and just wants me for sex. He slept with another girl while him and I were seeing each other and yeah I mean we never discussed being exclusive, but for some reason it still hurt me and I felt like I wasn't good enough for him that i wasn't fulfilling his needs. That somehow I wasn't enough for him. I felt worthless hell I still do, yet I still care. For whatever reason I still want him. I don't like feeling this way and I'm tired of people telling me to forget about it and let go. I know pathetic. Its a simple act yet hardest thing is to let go of someone. I just don't know what to think or feel anymore.
  5. You have your whole life ahead of you, everyday you are alive you are living your life to the fullest. Satisfaction comes when you do/ accomplish something that you love doing. It's alright that you don't go out to the clubs like others in your age group do. For me I had to give up that lifestyle. There are still days where I feel like what the hell am I even doing with my life, but then I realize that where I am is exactly where I am supposed to be right now. That concept took me awhile to accept. Just hang in there. :)
  6. How to be

    I asked myself today how to live, why do I live and then it hit me I don't live I just exist. I don't live my life well or to the fullest, then the reason why hit me. It's because I don't want to live. I don't want to be here. My patient is a quadriplegic he got into an accident at a young age and he lived a rich and full life he is only going to be 30 years of age. He's confined to a chair for the rest of his life. Them theres me I'm wasting my life away. I wish so badly I could give him my life as in my limbs because I just...I don't see a point in being on this earth. I haven't for many years now. I have been beaten, raped, emotionally abused, I grew up with an alcoholic mother who took her life, I myself am an alcoholic and drug addict, I self harm daily. I'm just waiting till the day that I can finally end it all. Because I am so miserable here, I am miserable living. Every morning I wake up and cry and wish I was dead and that the day would just be over with. Theres no point to my life, I just don't see it. I don't want it, please someone take it from me. Take away my pain because I can't do this anymore.
  7. Yes it can be true that some people will show more sympathy for someone who has a drug problem and won't always recognize someone who suffers from a mental illness, but being addicted to drugs is not a choice. For myself I am a drug addict and not by choice it is a struggle everyday for me as it is for my depression as well. I have almost 18 months clean and sober. I get where your coming from and I'm sorry that you are feeling this way. No one has the right to tell you that you aren't trying hard enough to not be depressed. Your the only judge on that. Don't listen to those people when they tell you that. They aren't worth your time. Im here for you if you ever want to talk.
  8. I know what you mean. For me I am an alcoholic and drug addict. Its hard not to drink, but it takes time and its a hard battle to not drink but in the end it is worth it.
  9. One Year

    I just had my one year of sobriety and I thought at first that I would never make it to one year, but I did. On my one year which was June 24th I wanted to go out and use and drink. I haven't had that feeling in months, but for whatever reason I did then. I still have that feeling. I have a sponsor and I work the steps and I'm throughly honest with them and when doing the steps, but the desire to still drink is there. I feel like I am a failure right now. It makes me feel worse about myself because these urges have come back. I honestly don't know what to do anymore. I feel like I should just give up and go back to the things that I used to do. People at the meetings talk about me behind my back saying things like; she's whoreing herself around, I'm ruining others sobriety, that I am too young to be an alcoholic, etc... I thought these people truly cared about me, but I guess not. I want to give up so badly right now. I just don't know how much longer I can keep doing this.
  10. No it isn't horrible to talk with you. Don't put yourself down hun. Ive been in the same situation as you and it sucks and hurts but don't put yourself down it will only make you feel worse.
  11. Sobriety

    I haven't been on in awhile because I just have been scared about opening up I guess... So I am a little over 9 months clean and sober. Its the hardest thing that I have ever done in my life. My depression has been getting the best of me and I don't know how much longer I can keep going like this. I want to give up so badly. Just to be gone and pain free. Thats all I have ever wanted.. So how do I keep going when I have no more fight left in me. Everyone says it gets better but it never does... so what am I supposed to do?
  12. Can't Of Anything Right

    I haven't been posting in awhile to do school getting harder and a higher work load. So lately things at home haven't been good at all with my father all we do is fight and argue and i know he's under a lot of stress cause he's having a surgery soon and he isn't looking forward to it. But then I find out I have two small fibroids on the outside of my uterus and on top of all this my boyfriend told me today that when we have sex he can't feel his ejaculation but when he master bates he can. We've been together for 5 months. I love him but I feel so insecure now and I've never had trouble pleasuring a man in my bed. I feel like a failure because I hate to sag this but that's one thing I'm good at. My meds are getting a higher dose and I'm under a lot of stress. I'm just worrying about everything and I can't calm down and I don't know what to do anymore. Then I have to have surgery this week cause I have a big lump under my arm and side and I'm not looking forward to it which makes me even more anxious about everything else as well. I just feel like a live wire but not in a good way. My shrink as just diagnosed me with PTSD do to the abuse I received as a child and the abuse I still have. I just feel like I can't do anything right anymore that I shouldn't be here anymore... I'm only here cause of my grandparents (moms parents) and once they go so will I cause they are all I have left of my mother..i just don't know what to do anymore or how to please everyone..
  13. Been Away For Awhile

    I haven't been on in awhile and that is because I have had a lot going on. Besides the usual stress from school I got pregnant from my boyfriend and I miscarried. It was extremely hard on me and my insecurities. I had gained some weight while I was pregnant and well you can tell and I am extremely insecure about it. Because it looks ugly and so do I. Then my boyfriend also told me I was his first which shocked me big time. I mean I should've figured but still. I just have this guilt like I took his virtue. Other than that I haven't been taking my meds either, it's not on purpose I just forget to take them an when I remember its too late to take them. so my depression and anxiety have been off the charts. I wish I didn't need the meds but I do.
  14. Aren't I Suppose To Be Happy?

    I've been dating this amazing for the past few weeks, I have known his for awhile and we are good friends. He is the one who asked me out. He is kinda friends but not really with my Ex Nick...Nick keeps telling Jeremy(my boyfriend) to stay the **** away from me, that I am crazy among other things. No matter what Nick says he wont leave me or anything, and i can't see why... I feel like I should be super happy and joyful, and i mean for the most part I am but at the same time I'm not. I have everything I could ever want and I'm doing well in school straight A's and all that sh*t... But then when I get home and later in the night I have to deal with my dad. He and I don't get along what so ever, all he does is yell at me 24/7 nonstop it's like I'm his own personal punching bag. It's not like I can do anything about it though. I mean I love him because he is my dad but otherwise I cant keep dealing with this day in and day out. how do i keep this up ?
  15. Bad Insecurities

    Okay so my dad and I have been fighting a lot and he is emotionally abusing me bottle line. It brings out my insecurities big time. And it makes me cry myself to sleep every night he is always mad at me for no reason and I can't take it why does he do this to me. He's acting like my mom did when she was drunk and then it triggers me back to my last. And then guys around me keep starring at my chest or grab my a** and I don't know what to do or think of it. It makes me feel worse about myself then I usually do. I know that sounds weird and maybe I'm asking for it I don't know I blame myself for the things I wear and how I look. My insecurities in a way kind of control me if that makes sense and with my fathers constant yelling an him taking his anger out on me doesn't help. He never says anything nice to me or about me only the negative things and things that bring me down he even admits it. And it's like why in the hell would you ******* do it then you know? I feel like he doesn't love like im nothing to him. He just always makes me feel worse about myself then I end up self harming. I hate it so much :( why do I have to live like this why do I have to deal with all this why can't I have a normal life. And it's like no matter what I do it isn't good enough for him and that's what pi**es me off too and it's like what do I have to do to make you proud of me. And I don't know what to do anymore. I I earn I love him he is my dad but I can't take him anymore he needs help like a shrink or someone to speak with because I can't take his anger anymore and on the outside to others he is a saint basically but behind closed doors he isn't. Also please don't suggest I go into CPS I already was with my moms abuse and I hated it and it destroyed my family, so I will never do it again.