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About Altl13

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  • Birthday September 1

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  1. Don't know what to think

    Well right now i don't know what to think, I was recently seeing a guy he was a I guess a friend with benefits, but he kept telling me how he likes me and cares about me so i put my walls up. I read an article about him and how he is being accused of groping women and other sexual indecencies... I flipped out I had a panic attack and I had to get tested for STD's. I went off on him somewhat and apparently my friends called him as well which I wasn't aware of. This all happened during finals week and well that just messed everything up. Sad thing is I still care about him, I finally admit to him and myself that I like him/care fro him. I don't know what to think about that or how I should feel. I know he's scared about being with me I know he has hesitations. I just also want to know why he never told me because finding out because of articles online really f***ed me over. I am confused and I don't know what to think or feel anymore. I don't even expect him to still be interested in me or even speak to me yet he still texts me and just wants me for sex. He slept with another girl while him and I were seeing each other and yeah I mean we never discussed being exclusive, but for some reason it still hurt me and I felt like I wasn't good enough for him that i wasn't fulfilling his needs. That somehow I wasn't enough for him. I felt worthless hell I still do, yet I still care. For whatever reason I still want him. I don't like feeling this way and I'm tired of people telling me to forget about it and let go. I know pathetic. Its a simple act yet hardest thing is to let go of someone. I just don't know what to think or feel anymore.
  2. You have your whole life ahead of you, everyday you are alive you are living your life to the fullest. Satisfaction comes when you do/ accomplish something that you love doing. It's alright that you don't go out to the clubs like others in your age group do. For me I had to give up that lifestyle. There are still days where I feel like what the hell am I even doing with my life, but then I realize that where I am is exactly where I am supposed to be right now. That concept took me awhile to accept. Just hang in there. :)
  3. How to be

    I asked myself today how to live, why do I live and then it hit me I don't live I just exist. I don't live my life well or to the fullest, then the reason why hit me. It's because I don't want to live. I don't want to be here. My patient is a quadriplegic he got into an accident at a young age and he lived a rich and full life he is only going to be 30 years of age. He's confined to a chair for the rest of his life. Them theres me I'm wasting my life away. I wish so badly I could give him my life as in my limbs because I just...I don't see a point in being on this earth. I haven't for many years now. I have been beaten, raped, emotionally abused, I grew up with an alcoholic mother who took her life, I myself am an alcoholic and drug addict, I self harm daily. I'm just waiting till the day that I can finally end it all. Because I am so miserable here, I am miserable living. Every morning I wake up and cry and wish I was dead and that the day would just be over with. Theres no point to my life, I just don't see it. I don't want it, please someone take it from me. Take away my pain because I can't do this anymore.
  4. Yes it can be true that some people will show more sympathy for someone who has a drug problem and won't always recognize someone who suffers from a mental illness, but being addicted to drugs is not a choice. For myself I am a drug addict and not by choice it is a struggle everyday for me as it is for my depression as well. I have almost 18 months clean and sober. I get where your coming from and I'm sorry that you are feeling this way. No one has the right to tell you that you aren't trying hard enough to not be depressed. Your the only judge on that. Don't listen to those people when they tell you that. They aren't worth your time. Im here for you if you ever want to talk.
  5. I know what you mean. For me I am an alcoholic and drug addict. Its hard not to drink, but it takes time and its a hard battle to not drink but in the end it is worth it.
  6. One Year

    I just had my one year of sobriety and I thought at first that I would never make it to one year, but I did. On my one year which was June 24th I wanted to go out and use and drink. I haven't had that feeling in months, but for whatever reason I did then. I still have that feeling. I have a sponsor and I work the steps and I'm throughly honest with them and when doing the steps, but the desire to still drink is there. I feel like I am a failure right now. It makes me feel worse about myself because these urges have come back. I honestly don't know what to do anymore. I feel like I should just give up and go back to the things that I used to do. People at the meetings talk about me behind my back saying things like; she's whoreing herself around, I'm ruining others sobriety, that I am too young to be an alcoholic, etc... I thought these people truly cared about me, but I guess not. I want to give up so badly right now. I just don't know how much longer I can keep doing this.
  7. No it isn't horrible to talk with you. Don't put yourself down hun. Ive been in the same situation as you and it sucks and hurts but don't put yourself down it will only make you feel worse.
  8. Sobriety

    I haven't been on in awhile because I just have been scared about opening up I guess... So I am a little over 9 months clean and sober. Its the hardest thing that I have ever done in my life. My depression has been getting the best of me and I don't know how much longer I can keep going like this. I want to give up so badly. Just to be gone and pain free. Thats all I have ever wanted.. So how do I keep going when I have no more fight left in me. Everyone says it gets better but it never does... so what am I supposed to do?
  9. Can't Of Anything Right

    I haven't been posting in awhile to do school getting harder and a higher work load. So lately things at home haven't been good at all with my father all we do is fight and argue and i know he's under a lot of stress cause he's having a surgery soon and he isn't looking forward to it. But then I find out I have two small fibroids on the outside of my uterus and on top of all this my boyfriend told me today that when we have sex he can't feel his ejaculation but when he master bates he can. We've been together for 5 months. I love him but I feel so insecure now and I've never had trouble pleasuring a man in my bed. I feel like a failure because I hate to sag this but that's one thing I'm good at. My meds are getting a higher dose and I'm under a lot of stress. I'm just worrying about everything and I can't calm down and I don't know what to do anymore. Then I have to have surgery this week cause I have a big lump under my arm and side and I'm not looking forward to it which makes me even more anxious about everything else as well. I just feel like a live wire but not in a good way. My shrink as just diagnosed me with PTSD do to the abuse I received as a child and the abuse I still have. I just feel like I can't do anything right anymore that I shouldn't be here anymore... I'm only here cause of my grandparents (moms parents) and once they go so will I cause they are all I have left of my mother..i just don't know what to do anymore or how to please everyone..
  10. Been Away For Awhile

    I haven't been on in awhile and that is because I have had a lot going on. Besides the usual stress from school I got pregnant from my boyfriend and I miscarried. It was extremely hard on me and my insecurities. I had gained some weight while I was pregnant and well you can tell and I am extremely insecure about it. Because it looks ugly and so do I. Then my boyfriend also told me I was his first which shocked me big time. I mean I should've figured but still. I just have this guilt like I took his virtue. Other than that I haven't been taking my meds either, it's not on purpose I just forget to take them an when I remember its too late to take them. so my depression and anxiety have been off the charts. I wish I didn't need the meds but I do.
  11. Aren't I Suppose To Be Happy?

    I've been dating this amazing for the past few weeks, I have known his for awhile and we are good friends. He is the one who asked me out. He is kinda friends but not really with my Ex Nick...Nick keeps telling Jeremy(my boyfriend) to stay the **** away from me, that I am crazy among other things. No matter what Nick says he wont leave me or anything, and i can't see why... I feel like I should be super happy and joyful, and i mean for the most part I am but at the same time I'm not. I have everything I could ever want and I'm doing well in school straight A's and all that sh*t... But then when I get home and later in the night I have to deal with my dad. He and I don't get along what so ever, all he does is yell at me 24/7 nonstop it's like I'm his own personal punching bag. It's not like I can do anything about it though. I mean I love him because he is my dad but otherwise I cant keep dealing with this day in and day out. how do i keep this up ?
  12. Bad Insecurities

    Okay so my dad and I have been fighting a lot and he is emotionally abusing me bottle line. It brings out my insecurities big time. And it makes me cry myself to sleep every night he is always mad at me for no reason and I can't take it why does he do this to me. He's acting like my mom did when she was drunk and then it triggers me back to my last. And then guys around me keep starring at my chest or grab my a** and I don't know what to do or think of it. It makes me feel worse about myself then I usually do. I know that sounds weird and maybe I'm asking for it I don't know I blame myself for the things I wear and how I look. My insecurities in a way kind of control me if that makes sense and with my fathers constant yelling an him taking his anger out on me doesn't help. He never says anything nice to me or about me only the negative things and things that bring me down he even admits it. And it's like why in the hell would you ******* do it then you know? I feel like he doesn't love like im nothing to him. He just always makes me feel worse about myself then I end up self harming. I hate it so much :( why do I have to live like this why do I have to deal with all this why can't I have a normal life. And it's like no matter what I do it isn't good enough for him and that's what pi**es me off too and it's like what do I have to do to make you proud of me. And I don't know what to do anymore. I I earn I love him he is my dad but I can't take him anymore he needs help like a shrink or someone to speak with because I can't take his anger anymore and on the outside to others he is a saint basically but behind closed doors he isn't. Also please don't suggest I go into CPS I already was with my moms abuse and I hated it and it destroyed my family, so I will never do it again.
  13. Haven't Been On In Awhile

    I haven't really been on in a while because I have just been really busy with school. So my shrink has increased my meds and we are going to see if that helps me any hopefully it will. I've started smoking again I guess it's better than self harming but then again I do that too. Tomorrow is my moms birthday she would've 55 years old. Just the thought makes me cry and miss her more than anything else. I want her back but I'm not going to start complaining on that. So I've fallen for my ex's friend and I'm worried my ex will hurt him. I feel really weird lately and I don't know how to explain it. My father and I aren't getting along either all we do is scream an yell and I hate it, it stresses me out and triggers me. Every time after we fight I end up self harming and each time it gets worse and worse. I wish I could ignore it but I can't I get so upset and hurt. I hate it I'm never getting a better in matter how much I want to nothing helps me. I hate it.
  14. Feeling Insecure

    Lately I have been just feeling so insecure about myself for whatever reason I don't know why I do. I wish I knew but I don't :( I feel like I will be forever alone you know? I hate being lonely so much. I just want to have someone who will hold me and love me for me. That's all I want and I know that's a lot to ask for. But I just want/need that. More than anything else I want someone who will treat me right an respect me but I do prefer guys who are a couple years older than me. But that's beside the point for whatever reason I'm not able to get a boyfriend and I don't know why I feel like guys don't like me which is weird cause I have lots of guy friends. I just want to have someone to have and hold to love and be with. Why am I unable to get a boyfriend. I don't want some fling you know? I want something that can develop into something serious. I feel like I'm just rambling off. Sure I've had boyfriends in the past but that's the past. I feel like my insecurities are just consuming me. I have never really thought anything good about myself and it has just gotten hella worse :( I wish I didn't feel this way but I do and I don't know what to do.
  15. Does He Ever Think Of Them

    Two days ago was the. Anniversary of my moms death it was two years ago that she took her life and I miss her everyday. But also on that day I didn't just miss her I also missed my kids from when I had the abortion. I love them so much and I wonder if nick ever misses or thinks of them like I do. I mean they were also his children maybe he moved on completely and pushed all the those things and feelings out of his life even them... I moved on well trying to still. I came. Across some of our messages and it made me cry because it reminds me of how madly in love we were. It's like why do I still choke up at the memories or think about him. And I wonder if he ever thinks of me or our past together. I'm still wondering what went wrong and what the hell had happened to make everything fall apart. I'm keeping these feelings in because everyone around me is sick of hearing it and so am I. I can't let go of the past or what we had. Now why is that you know ? I want to so bad and to move forward and I thought I had but I guess I hadn't, I want to just move forward with my life but something won't let me and I don't know what that thing is. It's just I wonder if he ever thinks of all that stuff like I do, I mean how could he move on so easily and why can't I.I'm tired of people saying to just forget and that I need to choose to be happy and well I'm ******* choosing to be and working so hard at it but for whatever reason I'm not happy at all. It's like why can't I have a normal life whatever that may be. I want it so badly and I try so hard so please don't say that I don't. I want to live a happy life and to be able to move on from nicks and my past but something is holding me back and I need to know what that thing is. Because I'm so tired of these feelings and I want them gone more than anything else. It's like what the actual **** is wrong with me why can't I just forget about it all. Why can't I forget about our past or him. I thought I had but when I read those messages and think about our kids it brings back all those memories. I wish I could just have my memory erased from it all so all the pain could just go away forever.