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vega57

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About vega57

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  • Birthday 10/04/1957

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  • Gender
    Male
  • Location
    southern Cal east corner of state, Coachella Valley
  • Interests
    This forum, learning more about my illness, computers, my family and wife, reading, helping others, studying scripture, driving my "82 Chevy truck with my grand kids as passengers. Update:I'm have gotten back into bike riding, for about four years now and am getting reading to do the 100 mile charity ride, The Tour of Palm Springs.

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  1. Unfortunately I listen to the same thing everyday: the ringing in my ears but being finally to sit in the back yard, see the mountains and hear nature is soothing. The heat is lessening now and beautiful days are ahead to enjoy the desert.
  2. Unfortunately yes. Death in my family seems on going. The "trick" is to figure out how you continue to live but not as a ghost. One thing I will tell you and it's not a revelation I'm sure but you children should not go before the parents, especially not in multiples. So I must continue to trick myself to go on as we all must.
  3. I want to make one thing clear before I continue: everything I post here is from a mental health point of view but this very personal to say theleast. I have 6 children, 5 girls, one son, all adults and I love them all very much. My 25 year old daughter needed a break so she asked us to watch her children while she went out to dinner with her friend Chris; her husband is currently working in Hawaii but due back in 2 days if my daughter isn't home by then. She left Monday evening and hasn't returned, we kept getting texts but no calls that she was on her way home but unfortunately she has not returned. We really don't know what has happened to her, does she more time alone, which is what we are hoping and praying for or something else. I received a call today from law enforcement that they had possibly found her van by one of my other daughter's job but luckily or unfortunately it wasn't hers. She has 3 children and has a slight learning disability and is a bit deaf plus she very trusting. My wife is besides herself with grief, along with this her sister is dying of cancer. I can barely hold myself together, my other children and family are out looking for her. As some of you know I live in an area of vast desert with many canyons where people can be. I don't know what'shappened to her but I'm keeping the faith that tomorrow she'll be home. Please think of her, her name is samantha but we call sammie, I call her semilla which means seed. If some of you don't mind me asking, please say a prayer for her, her children and my family and that she will come home soon. I scolded her via text early on but now I really regret it. Thank you.
  4. Sucks when only black describes your mood. Hang in there. Sunnier days do come. Today I'm having a mixture of color day. I'll take this kind of day, well, any day. Smile everyone, it hurts less than frowning.
  5. My sister just told me that she's having a bad day so I told her about this discussion and asked about her color and of course it's black. But here's the the thing: she's on her way to talk to our eldest sister who is very sick and hard to understand because of her condition, in fact her body has really because shriveled but her disposition is always upbeat and sunny despite her condition. She's always the big sister and kind of the head of the family. All pretenses are now gone, she is much in peace with her station on life; she had a very descent life, good husband who has always been a good provider and very descent kids.
  6. Sucks when only black describes your mood. Hang in there. Sunnier days do come.
  7. Why

    Thank you. I try everyday but some days are much harder than others. The one thing that really bothers me about getting older is looking in the rear view mirror more than I should or want because it's to darn clear. A little fog wouldn't be so bad once in a while. Lol. I was talking to my sister in law Martha yesterday, she's the one dying from cancer about life in general, she told me that dying isn't so bad but the process is. I asked what she meant and she said the regret part of it, the what if"s but not one time did she mention the what could have been. She doesn't get depressed about the actual dying part but she does about the suffering and lingering part. My sister said basically the same thing.
  8. I wish it would be bursts of yellow and orange everyday but unfortunately not.
  9. Why

    Looking inward, I mean really looking isn't very easy. I want to blame my depression for all negatives in my life and though it definitely has skewed my thought process there are times when I most likely am not able or should not have put all the blame on my depression for bad decisions, actions and choices. Many times I chose to separate myself from family, friends and society party I suppose because of it and partly because I just plain wanted to and now I'm trying to make up for a bit but I so much enjoy talking to new people so when I am home it does in fact bum me out a bit. I used to think that i enjoyed being alone more than what I actually do though there are times when I still need alone time and being with family only but I'm looking forward to the next time I go help my son inlaw. Now if only I could get paid in actually money instead of only some great time and food. Lol.
  10. Why

    You are so right, until I accepted my depression and that barring a new medical breakthrough or miracle, well, this is my life or one aspect of it because it's definitely not the whole me. Once I COMPLETELY accepted it was I able to move forward. I've tried many things to live along with my depression and at least for me looking inward, which involves different things, has helped quite a bit. Thank you.
  11. Why

    I used to be introverted and still am I suppose to an extent but because of this I really missed out on forming relationships outside my family and limited circle of friends. And yes I now do enjoy talking to people I normally would not, my family thinks I'm a bit weird now. Lol. I spent to many years missing out on getting to know some awesome people and just talking to others. Thank you.
  12. Why

    Why is it that after having a productive and dare I say a rather enjoyable morning things change rather rapidly? I accompanied my son inlaw to his job this morning and actually had a good time; I jumped in and did some work, met some fine people and just had a good time. Than I com home and my mental outlook changes. Sadness starts setting in and then I'm depressed again. Sometimes I start thinking about things that are going on and it just depresses me but today it was completely opposite, first the sadness then depression then I start thinking about these things. It seems to me that my depression has been working this way lately. Any ideas, comments or suggestions? I would greatly appreciate some feed back. Txs.
  13. I walk up to a building that at first appears to be a Catholic Church or something similar, how I got there is have no idea. I walk to my right arm now it's an old school elementary school, the type in attended: many rooms in straight line with large windows on both sides. I hear women's voices and low music, I try to peak in but the windows are either dirty or foggy, not sure; I find a small clearing on the glass and I spot two women and a female child around 10; all three are dress very elegantly in Spanish clothing from the 1800s, very colorful and full length. I know there's more people and activity but I can't see them. It's the grandmother, mother and daughter. They are discussing something that at first I can't make out but I then realize that all the men are miners and there has been a serious accident, they don't know who has died; these women are leaders in the community and they all live in these buildings. The mother is telling her daughter to move away from the conversation. Suddenly up in the corner there's an old school radio where news of the mine accident is blaring but there's no electricity yet only candle power. Then suddenly the scene starts playing over and over like an old fashioned movie reel. Then I realize that they  are caught in a time warp, this actually happened many years back but they are reliving it over and over. I've always wondered about this dream, it'll suddenly pop into my thoughts. I get the sense that I'm to help them but of course I don't know how. Any help will be greatly appreciated. Txs. 

    1. Show previous comments  7 more
    2. vega57

      vega57

      She went into menopause when I was born and I was told that it changed her completely; I never saw the happy go lucky person that my older siblings talked about. Sadly for me and her she physically took out her anger and frustration on me. I am telling you something that I've never repeated evento my wife much less my children and grandchildren: she would whip me with electricalcords severely and with what ever else was handy until I was old enough to defend myself.  I blamed my older siblings, I am the youngest for not defending and leaving me, they all would leave when old enough. This is one of the main reasons I don't look into my childhood very much. I lived a very distructive live for many years to the point of facingredients death many times both in civilian and military life. I realize it sounds crazy but I loved my mother, I learned to forgive her and make peace with her and with what she did. In the last years of her life my wife and I took care of her. She died in my arms and I miss her. Anyway enough. I face life and depression head on and the best I can. Despite all adversity I think I turned out ok: I have empathy and sympathy for all humanity and I always look for the best in them. I shower my children and grandchildren with love and affection, something I never experienced until I met my precious wife, had children and now grandkids. Thank you so much M38 you really have helped me. 

    3. Michelle38

      Michelle38

      Oh Vega, I am so sorry that happened to you.  Thank you for trusting me enough to share it.  It really is important to get it out and processed.  I can understand how hard growing up must have been.  My father was critical of everything I did and he seemed angry all the time and it really did a number on me as a child so I can imagine how immensely more difficult it was for you.  Not understanding why and her being different with you than with the other siblings can really do a number on our psyche.  Why you a child would naturally think.  I do know that a woman's hormones do change around menopause.  I had a life stressor and then slipped into starting the change at the same time my severe depression hit so I know part of my issue was the hormone changes but that still doesn't give her an excuse.  I am glad you forgave her mostly for you so that you don't let anger towards her fester inside you but it is very likely that how she treated you affected how you feel about yourself and that isn't your fault.  We are simply too young and unable to know what is what during those formative years so it is not surprising you struggle with depression. And it is ok that you still loved her.  Unfortunately when we repress our sadness and grief it can come out in the most unfortunate ways.  Your mother took hers out on you but it isn't because you deserved it.  It is really important that you know that.  It is important to separate what happened to you from who you are.  Your worth is beyond measure even if your mother or siblings couldn't show it to you.  I am glad you have a good relationship with your family.  It is now time to show yourself the kind of love and affection you show them.  Your soul is indeed kind.  Remember that when the sadness strikes.  Take care.  I am always around if you ever want to talk.  

    4. vega57

      vega57

      Thank you so much for helping me. Even at this stage of my life it's hard for me to have self worth but the one thing I learned is to not pass it on to my children; I wish and want to tell you that I always succeeded at this but I'd be lying. I made many mistakes raising my children but the most important thing is that they were always safe from physical, mental and verbal abuse and they have always knownhow much I love them and my wife also. I know I'll struggle with this till I take my last breath but it no longer consumes me though it does pop up here and there. My children love me so much, much more than I deserve, so do my grandkids and wife and I love them without measure. Thank you again very, very much and thank for offering to be here and I reciprocate the offer. 

  14. C there is always hope but at times we have to fight for it and in your case it needs to start with helping yourself even if it may require to be in hospital. I always feared having to be in the mental ward of the VA hospital but honestly it not only saved my life literally but set me on a much better path to mental health. Presently I am not taking meds for my depression and it's a constant struggle but when I was in the throes of mental illness those meds helped me immensely. Once you are in better mental health than you can work on your relationship and lack of friends but I'd advice you not to gauge your future by your past. Yesterday is gone and there's nothing you can do about the past but you can about tomorrow. The saying goes that if you want friends you need to be friendly. Start slow, maybe reaching out to just one or two people and then enlarge your circle. Not everyone you meet will be you friend and they shouldn't because not everyone is friendly or trustworthy so pick them carefully.
  15. Get 5 solid hours of undisturbed sleep. More than that and it overwhelms my body and mind.