I Dunno..
Posted by SabbyIso, Nov 6 2009, 11:38 PM
So I know I don't come here too often, usually I feel awesome. Maybe it's just because I'm so tired lately that I'm feeling so... out of it. I just am trying so hard with everything, maybe too hard and it's starting to exhaust me. I broke down crying today talking to one of my best friends who I don't talk to all that often. She brings out the true emotion in me that is hidden beneath everything else. She brings out the truth. And on top of that, I feel like i give so much and just get taken advantage of... I don't know anymore. I am so confused. I don't want to feel like I'm falling apart... But I think that is exactly what is happening. This whole week I have felt so depressed, like so much of a failure.. Because I don't look better, because I'm not skinnier, because I can't make my mom happier, because I can't get straight A/B's in university like I did in high school... It makes me feel horrible. I have actually been working out to make myself feel better. I mean I can only do so much because of my obesity and physical limitations but I have been pushing myself to that point. I literally get on that bike and go until I can't feel my legs anymore... I don't know if that is healthy, but now I've gotten to the point where I'm just exhausted. On days were I work I come home and just want to crash and veg. And when I come home from school or don't go out or start watching people on tv making a difference, I just want to work out till I puke. I don't have anyone to push me though and I really don't want to spend money on a gym to go with my friend. I just don't know what to do.
Back Again...
Posted by SabbyIso, May 13 2008, 12:39 AM
I haven't been here in a while... Haven't really had time or needed to.. Things have been great...
I dunno why, but I started taking the pill and it helped massive amounts, hormone control I guess... Anyways so life was good, I was in such high spirits and everything was fine. I was so happy and actually found myself a "boyfriend"...
Unfortunately, things haven't been so amazing lately... I haven't seen my "boyfriend" in 6 weeks and I think it's starting to get to me. That and I stopped taking the pill and so my emotions have gone haywire again, it bites. I have just felt so lonely lately, and being around people doesn't seem to help. At work today, I was just going through it, I wasn't really happy like work usually makes me, or enjoying working with some of my favourite people... Usually being around my friends and coworkers makes everythig better... I just don't understand why nothing can help me feel better... I even have started back on the birth control, just a different form. I don't know what to do. I don't even care if I fail my classes in school anymore... I just don't care about anything. Spending the last week in bed was actually the best feeling ever.
I just want to feel better :( 
I Swear.. Its All Against Me...
Posted by SabbyIso, Jul 31 2007, 03:44 PM
It seems like I'm never going to get better... Like actually...
None of the psychiatrists around here are accepting new patients and my doctor doesnt have appointments late enough in the evening where my mom and I can go after work.. Meaning, either I have to tell her on my own... Or I have to tell her that she has to come with me to the doctor and not tell her why... Which she wont like...
And the recptionist at my doctors office is all like "well theres no other psychs in town accepting so I dont know what your going to do then".. And Im just like wow... Okay.. Your not making me feel completely screwed around.. Not at all.. Stupid *****... >.> 
-sigh-
Posted by SabbyIso, Jul 28 2007, 01:08 AM
So confused...
I love this girl, and she, I know, loves me too... But she's in a relationship and it's KILLING me... I get to hear all about her boyfriend, all the time... And how the time she spends with him is amazing... It hurts, but at the same time I'm happy for her... And I promised her I would wait for her... And I'm going to stick to that promise... I don't want anyone else but her. And she is so amazing when it comes to my depression/anxiety... She understands because she went through it at the same age as me...
I feel really bad though, I get really mood swingy... I'll be low for a long time and then I'll get this really unexpected high and then just not know what to do with myself and come back down really fast... She notices it too... Made a comment about it today, but I know she was just trying to comfort and understand... I just hate that I affect the people around me so much...
She's the first person I've found who actually understands even a little bit about my depression... And it's nice to have someone to talk to.. Though I know at times I make her sad... I just wish I could be with her to comfort her all the time... And knowing that there is no possible way for that to happen (with who knows how many states there are between us.. BC - Kansas) just takes me really deep into a depressive mood... But one smile from her lifts my spirits...
God am I retarded?
Psych...
Posted by SabbyIso, Jul 26 2007, 09:56 PM
I was really scared about my referral to a psychiatrist... I didn't know what to expect and I was afraid of what the psychiatrist was going to tell me....
Well... I don't have to worry about that for a while now... my doctor referred me to the psychiatrist, but they made the appointment for the same day as my cousins wedding so obviously i cant go... but the only one in town is leaving and that was the last date they could get me in.. so now i have to get referred to one out of town... So now my getting better is being put off longer... -sigh- I just want to be normal...
I don't want to be upset at work anymore... Like actually. I went to work today, in an actually pretty good mood... Then I was there for a while and I got one little piece of criticism/advice and I slid really far down into a depressive mood... Worse than I've been at work in... ever. (Except for one time.) I was almost crying... I was so depressed... And I couldn't think straight... Which of course then I got put into a busier section of my work and that made things sooo much better -eye roll-
I'm sure nobody actually reads this... But... If anyone does... Any pointers on how to not let little things get you way way down like that?
Interesting Day...
Posted by SabbyIso, Jul 26 2007, 09:56 PM
Im not sure exactly how to express what Im feeling right now but here goes...
At the moment I am talking to my exgirlfriend and oh my god, am happy. I mean, her and I talk all the time... But I just felt as if I needed to talk to her and only her right now. Shes amazing. And as I told my good friend Cal... As soon as I started talking to her I actually started crying... Being even remotely happy made me sad... Its almost like... Why cant I feel this all the time...
Ive found a couple forums on here mentioning specific things and have recognized that these are things that affect my life... Codependency... Anxiety Depression... I'm so glad I'm going to see my GP soon... I really need to get something done about this... I only wish I could have gotten in to see him this week... Before I had to work more... Ah well... It will be dealt with soon enough Im hoping. I just dont want my mom to find out about this yet... I mean I know she cares, but thats the deal.. Shes going to internalize this as her fault... And I cant deal with that too...
So yeah... Maybe by the end of next week I wont be afraid to go to work anymore... And maybe... Just maybe... I can start on my way to recovering from this... Because living like this sucks...
Appointment
Posted by SabbyIso, Jul 26 2007, 09:56 PM
So I went to the doctor on... Yesterday and told him about this whole thing... It was a lot harder than I thought it would be too... I had some really difficult times actually forming words... But yeah... The first step is over...
Now I just have to call his office on Monday and make an appointment to go see a psychiatrist... Scary.... And then when I'm making that appointment I have to make another appointment to go see him with my mom so that he and I can talk to her about this.... I was too scared to tell her on my own... And he thought she should know so yeah... Sigh.
Now to just get through some of these days...
Work + Tired = Bad x.x
on Back Again...