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    • Lindsay

      A Reminder that we are a PG13 Site   12/09/2016

      Please keep in mind that NO content can be posted that is not PG13!  No sexual content and definitely not images which is not permitted in a post! We will delete it.  Not even memes or humorous images should be posted, if you want these forums to continue. NO IMAGES! If you want to post an image, post the URL pointing it to your gallery.  Again, Depressionforums.org is PG13!! Thank you~ ~Forum Admin  

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  • GSpolar

    Does it matter?

    By GSpolar

    What we do matters.   They are real souls, the 10 people who are watching DF, who are so scared of the stigma, imprisoned at 'home' to such a degree, or hurting so deeply.....10 are watching at any given moment for every 1 who dared to even sign up anonymously. If you read this, you probably have encouraged at least one person anonymously, with nothing to gain, just out of love.   And for every 1, there were really 10, check out 'Activity/All Users' to see for yourself.   How terrible is a disease that 10 are afraid to admit it for every 1 who does.....How valuable is even one note of encouragement, 1 genuine hug.  Multiply your hugs by 10........You're changing outcomes of life, you really are
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Our community blogs

  1. i cant seem to get myself out of this funk. i havent been to the gym in 2 weeks.

    i want to try to go tonight but i know by the time i get home and eat, its dark, cold and i struggle at motivating myself to go back out.

    no exercise is definitely effecting me. i feel very tired lately, more than usual, and feel fat, and just sluggish. going to the gym alone used to be my thing. i loved it. now its a struggle. 

    I started drinking the other day. i just felt so overwhelmed, and i struggled to distract myself from my racing thoughts that i just started to drink to numb them. usually i feel so stupid and guilty the next day when i sober up, but this time, i thought....who cares.

    temporary relief is better than none at all. 

  2. ****************************************************Trigger Warning - Grief*******************************************************************

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

    I've been doing better lately, but what goes up, must come down I suppose.  Last night I had one of those dreams again.  I saw my cats, both of whom I lost in the last couple of years.  I told someone - you know, those people who are in your dreams but you don't know who they are - anyway, I told that someone that I knew that they couldn't be my cats because I buried them myself.  I was always a dog person until they came along, but I got very attached to them.  I miss them terribly.

    Next, I was in Mrs. P's house, with some friends, but I don't know who they were, either.  I went to the bathroom and when I came out, Mrs. P was the only one there.  Again, she's on the "other side," and has been since 2009.  I've had several dreams that I was in her house and she showed up, but I knew she shouldn't be there.  I also feel like she visited me once after she died, however strange that may seem.  I've tried to let go of the hard feelings I had about her, and I have come to understand how she felt and why she would do and say some of the things she did, but I still feel the pain I felt back then.  Consciously, I have forgiven her, but still, my mind drags her out from time to time to remind me that unconsciously, it still hurts.  She's on my mind because I am going through the same thing with my grandpa's house.

    I went and got some tools I wanted from my grandpa's shop Friday, because I knew that the estate auction guy was coming tomorrow to get all of my grandparents' things out of the house to take to auction.  My step dad did the same thing with his mother's house, and my uncle is trying to get in touch with someone about buying the house and property.  My step dad had a hard time with it, and soon, I will be in that same position.  I'll also have to let my aunt in the house to get what she wanted to keep of their furniture on Wednesday.  Just thinking about it has my guts tied up in knots.  I'm drowning in memories once again.  Nightmares do come true.

    Quote

    “They've promised that dreams can come true - but forgot to mention that nightmares are dreams, too.” - Oscar Wilde

    Damn the pills.  Damn the doctors.  Damn the counselors.  Damn the vultures picking the houses clean.  Damn the tears.  Damn the memories.  Damn the dreams.  Damn my emotions.  Damn the world.  Damn it all to hell. 

    I've often wondered if this is hell.  I once read in the apocryphal Gospel of Thomas that "... the kingdom of the father is spread out over the earth, and people do not see it."  It makes me wonder if this world is the intersection of heaven and hell, and that we get a different portion of each in this life.  Maybe this is my hell.  Or maybe I did something horrible in a previous life that I must atone for.  Or maybe like Job, this is all a mercy, because it can always get worse - every time I say it can't get worse, it does.  Or maybe I'm just a whiny wuss who needs to man up.  I've spent most of my life hoping it will get better.  Hope is cruel self delusion. 

    I wish I could see a future where I was happy, but I can't make myself believe that it can happen.  Happiness is just something that happens to other people.  The best I can hope for is to go numb.  Feeling is a curse.  I wish I was numb right now.  I hope I'm numb tomorrow.  I doubt I will be.

     

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    "Depression is the inability to construct a future." - Rollo May

     

     
       
     
     
     
  3. samadhiSheol
    Latest Entry

    Whitehouse:
    Ki lling hurts give you the secrets

     

     

    DOESN'T IT MAKE YOU SOMETIMES THINK AGAIN
    THAT THERE ARE SOME
    DESPITE HAVING EVERYTHING
    JUST FEEL LONELY AND EMPTY AND SEVERELY LACKING
    I THINK IT'S REALLY A COMMON THING
    LIKE MANY GO ON LIVING FROM ONE FUC KING DAY TO THE NEXT
    PITS OF DESPAIR, HELLS OF LONELINESS
    SQUALID 2 THOUSAND FUC KING MILE STARES
    ****ING HEADBANGING SCUM
    WITH SOME FOUL REMNANT TASTE OF PASSERS-BY
    WITH FEELING SOME LAME PASSING TASTE OF NON-ACHIEVEMENT
    YET DEEP DOWN INSIDE
    THERE'S THIS HOLE INSIDE OF THEM
    EMPTY, HOLLOW, VACATED
    IT'S LIKE YOU ASK YOURSELF IS THIS IT?
    IS THIS WHAT I'VE BEEN FUC KING LIVING FOR?
    THIS IS IT? ISN'T LIFE DISAPPOINTING?
    CONSTANTLY MISLED, DECEIVED, AND PERPETUALLY LIED TO
    THIS LIFE THAT WAS SO NEAR TO NEVER HAPPENING
    PEOPLE LOOKING FOR THAT ELUSIVE IT
    TO FILL DEEP VOID AND EMPTINESS INSIDE
    WHATEVER THIS IS IS THAT ONE THING
    THAT WILL MAKE YOU FEEL A SENSE
    OF WHOLENESS, OF COMPLETENESS, OF PEACE?
    OF HAPPINESS
    AND WHEN YOU HAVE IT
    WHEN IT'S RIGHT IN FRONT OF YOU
    ONLY THEN CAN YOU BEGIN TO: FEEL THAT
    OR PERHAPS THAT FEELING
    FILLING YOU UP COMPLETELY
    THAT'S WHEN YOU KNOW THAT YOU'VE FOUND
    THAT PIECE OF YOU THAT WAS MISSING ALL ALONG
    THOUGH WHATEVER THAT HAPPINESS TRULY IS
    IT'S ELUSIVE
    YOU HAVE TO STRIKE
    ONCE YOU FIND THE SLIGHTEST CHANCE
    THE SLIGHTEST WINDOW OF OPPORTUNITY
    YOU'LL HAVE TO GRAB IT
    AND YOU MIGHT JUST FIND IT SLIPPED AWAY
    AND YOU'LL BE LEFT ONLY HOLDING THOUGHTS
    OF WHAT COULD HAVE MIGHT HAVE SHOULD HAVE BEEN
    THE CONSTRUCT OF REGRETS
    SO WHEN YOU DO FIND IT RIGHT IN FRONT OF YOU
    NOW DO FUC KING TAKE IT.

    DID YOU EVER WONDER
    HOW PEOPLE CONTINUALLY SCHEME BEHIND YOUR BACK?
    YOU CAN NEVER TELL WHAT OTHER PEOPLE THINK OF YOU
    TO SHIELD YOU FROM A BITTER PAINFUL TRUTH
    OR MAYBE JUST NOT WANTING TO REVEAL THEIR INTENTIONS
    WAITING FOR THE RIGHT TIME TO
    ASSAIL YOU, OBLITERATE YOU
    BUT MAYBE NOT
    MAYBE EVERYONE LIKES YOU AND NO-ONE PLANS HURTING YOU
    MAYBE YOU'RE SAFE
    THEN AGAIN MAYBE NOT
    WHILE YOU BREATHE HERE NOW
    YOU REALISE THE REAL TRUTH
    YOU CAN RELY ON NO ONE BECAUSE THEY WILL BETRAY YOU
    IT'S JUST A MATTER OF TIME
    YOU CAN RELY ON NO ONE
    LOOKING INTO THE EYES
    YOU'VE KNOWN FOR A LONG TIME OR HAVE JUST MET
    WHEN YOU SEE SOME LINE OR SHADOW ON THEIR FACE
    AND YOU REALISE
    YOU CANNOT TRUST THEM
    THEY WILL LET YOU DOWN
    IT'S A SHEER MATTER OF TIME.

    NO IDEA AT ALL
    I REALLY HAVE NO IDEA WHAT'S BEEN GOING ON
    INSIDE YOUR FUC KING HEAD
    DO SOME ****ING INTROSPECTION
    LOOK DOWN INSIDE
    EXPLORE THE VERY ESSENCE OF WHO-THE-FU CK YOU ARE
    AND I DON'T KNOW IF YOU'LL NOTICE
    JUST HOW FUC KING KEPT DOWN AND EMPTY YOU ARE
    SO ALONE
    SO VOID
    SO FUC KING LONELY
    EXPLORE THAT PLACE
    YOU ONLY FIND CLOUDED MEMORIES OF PATHETIC FAILURES
    PATHETIC LIMP NEEDY FRUSTRATIONS
    AND RIDICULOUS MISSED DREAMS
    ASK YOURSELF
    SO THIS IS IT?
    THIS IS WHAT I'VE BEEN GRINDING OUT?
    WHAT AN EMPTY LIFE
    YOUR MISERABLE FUC KING LIFE IN GENERAL
    THAT MISERABLY FAILS TO ADDRESS
    THAT DEEP LONGINGNESS INSIDE YOU
    THAT DEEP PAINFUL VOID
    IT'S WHY YOU NEED TO FIND SOMEONE TO HURT
    IT'S TIME TO TAKE YOUR OWN LIFE
    AND EXAMINE IT
    BECAUSE MIGHT YOU MIGHT FIND YOURSELF SAYING THIS IS IT?
    THIS IS ALL I HAVE EVER LIVED FOR
    AS YOU WALK THROUGH LIFE LIGHT
    BECAUSE YOU'RE WALKING UTTERLY EMPTY
    JUST HOW EMPTY AND MEANINGLESS YOUR ACTIONS HAVE BEEN
    GO DEEP INSIDE THAT NOTHINGINESS YOU CALL YOURSELF
    AND EXAMINE YOUR OWN SHODDY MOTIVES TO REALISE
    THAT YOU'RE WOUNDING YOURSELF MORE THAN YOU EVER COULD
    IT'S REALLY FUC KING TRAGIC TO SEE THAT
    THRILL-HURTING YOURSELF IN SUCH A MANNER
    SINCE YOU OBVIOUSLY GET THRILLS CHEATING
    BUT IN TRUTH CHEATING YOURSELF
    SCAMMED OUT OF A LIFE.

     

  4. When people are dealing with mental illness, one of the most important (and most often overlooked) methods of healing is self-care. How can we even manage to identify what we need at times, when the thoughts in our head are so hostile anyway? Sometimes it comes from a gut instinct, or from the words of those around us. Sometimes we need to just close our eyes and remember our five year old selves again and just act on what we want; no what if's, no fear of judgment, no regard for timing or worthiness. Simple things like filling in a coloring book, having a bath with an awesome bubbles scent, baking a cake for yourself to enjoy! There are a lot of things we can do, but I'm not always sure how to stop the ideas from evading oneself. I keep a bullet journal, and when I am feeling a bit more sound of mind, I keep a list - a self care list, and a "good vibes" list. It's good to have reference from myself, for the times when I feel like the demons inside have taken me over and I can't remember anything that makes me, "me."

    My current living situation is less than optimal, and often increases my anxiety, fears, and emotional pain to just be there. I don't really have any other choices, though, and even if I did, the answer as to whether or not I should leave is not a clear one. I'm currently not working and on medical leave, I struggle financially. But I've been trapped in here so long at times I feel it is literally suffocating... I have a small amount of savings for emergencies, and for the last few days I have been arguing back and forth in my head as to whether or not I should use some of it to take a "vacation" in February. I live with my ex fiance, who I was in a partnership with for eight years. I was thinking of going to a hotel on Valentine's day for a couple of nights - alone. Let my family know I am okay but to please   l e a v e   m e   a l o n e. The fake faces I put on, the silent suffering of my home that is not a home, I just feel like I need to put me first for once and get out for a while. I have no where that is safe. No where that I can take solace and just breathe. So if I did this, I might really find some healing. But then the realist me steps back in, and I know I might also really hurt my already damaged wallet...

    Self care can be one of the easiest things to do to help us on the path of healing. But feeling better for a moment is much different than taking steps to feel better permanently. And those options are sometimes non existent. Do we make sacrifices for ourselves? The same way we might make the sacrifices for partners we love or children we care for? Or do we stick our heads in the sand of reality and wait for time to (hopefully) take us somewhere better?

    Just keep waiting? Or move yourself with the risk that it might make things worse for you?

  5. I cannot remember if I have said or not that I am in a Day Treatment program and I guess I am too lazy to look back to see, but I will lay the blame on mental exhaustion. I start half-day this coming Monday. In one sense I am happy for that because I won't have to be bothered with it. On the other hand, I feel I need to structure and the communication with the therapist and psychiatrist there. I have not control over any of that. This past Friday was very difficult for me. It was a very stressful day at the center. The groups took a lot out of me. Early on in the day a therapist came and got me out of group wanting to talk about my "blue sheet" we have to fill out every morning. I ranked myself  3 out of 5 for sui**dal thoughts. I have done that for 2 weeks now. But all of a sudden she wants to call my wife and have her secure my meds so I will not have access to them. I always have sui**dal thoughts, but without intent. Then, close to the end of the day before we left for the day, a different Psychiatrist came and got me to talk with me. She said she was filling in for my normal Psychiatrist. While in her office I almost had a melt down. I could not think clearly or talk clearly. I suppose it was lingering on from that morning talking with the therapist. When I got home I took a nose dive. I truly thought I was going to have to go and admit myself. It is so hard to explain the feeling, but it is one that I have felt many times before. Finally, I just took my night meds and went to bed and hoped and prayed the feeling would pass. I had horrible dreams during the night that finally woke me up and I just had to get out of bed and come to the living room. I feel better today, but not by much.

  6. Gisele
    Latest Entry

    So Vladimir Putin's ginger concubine got himself inaugurated today or yesterday? Or some other day. Good for him. 

    Being many, many, many, many and still not enough thousand miles away, I'm in better position than most to pretend this isn't happening. But I think I might make an exception for Melania Trump. I can just tell she is going to be absolutely fascinating. I just hope she hasn't already done her best work in completely unselfconsciously throwing herself into the important cause of eradicating online bullying. She could have plumped instead for, say, eradicating landmines, mental health awareness, infectious diseases research, decriminalisation, disarmament, fewer Kardashians or any one of a boundless number of worthwhile causes. But nope, she leap straight into the darkly and delightfully amusing. 

    Online bullying of all things!? Any danger, Melania, of starting with your husband's Twitter feed? Ah, you couldn't make this stuff up.

     

     

     

     

     

  7.  

    I feel confused about everything that is happening and I am not sure what to do with the emotions that come along with that.

     

     

     

     

     

     

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    Rainahblue
    Latest Entry

    That's my plan for the year. I can't eliminate all of my fears. I can't even tame them all. 

    But I can limit them.

    I will try to be less afraid of: my thoughts, the past, my failures, my illness. 

    If I'm less afraid, Depression will have less to taunt me with.

    That makes it worth a try.

  8. Jalen
    Latest Entry

    Trigger Warning: Suicide

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    I just got the closest I've ever been to ending it...but I didn't have the guts. I wanted to so badly. I guess I'm here another day.

    I hate this.

    I'm sorry.

     

    That was my lowest point ever.

  9. So the apartment complex I am living in had implemented assigned parking, giving one parking space for each apartment in the complex. This place was built in the 50's where there were not many cars on the road, so the parking is at best tight to say the least. In the addendum it read each apartment got one assigned spot and the un-numbered spaces were first come first serve. Well parking has been a nightmare since this was implemented. It seems people were storing cars in other places (we were only allowed one car per person on the lease). Because the office manager has found 35 unregistered (not registered to any apartment) which has taken up all the loose spots in the complex. So now thanks to the selfishness of people the few of us that are respectful to our neighbors, are suffering. So the new thing is the complex will most likely take the assigned parking away and get it back to what it was, where all spaces were first come first serve and car limits implemented. This will suck and be good at the same time as I sometimes need to park a building a way when I work closing shifts. But it also means getting rid of about 40 cars in total from our lot.

    Another fun thing has been not being able to eat much any more. The few tooth pieces I still have in my mouth are not capable of doing any kind of chewing any more and hurt when I try to chew anything, even soft foods. If you are a person who likes to look on the bright side of things, I will probably loose some weight. I know what you all will say about eating softer foods or go on a liquid diet. That will not work for me because there is not much in the way of soft foods that I eat, I love cakes and all but I am not only a sweets addict, I love salty foods as well. Liquid diets will not work cause I gag on thick, viscousy liquids. I also can't afford anything more than the occasional snack food of some kind anyway. What I wouldn't give to get teeth that I can eat pretty much anything with.

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    Just wanna write my thoughts down. Yesterday was a mess. Woke up wondering what's the point of life again. Trying so hard to put everything right but nothing goes my way. Trying so hard to love myself and tell myself I'm doing the best I can with what knowledge and time I have. That everything will be okay. But that someone always have to make things go wrong and make me feel bad that I'm a lousy person who does nothing right :(

    Another tip I got is to always end a blog entry with writing the best part of the day. Funny how the best part always have something bad relating to it. Like my 2 colleagues who brought nice desserts for us. And having the few supportive colleagues to whine about work together. And making a cold call yesterday which turned out to be not so bad. And maybe just maybe the fact that mil went to a few of my family's places to personally give the wedding invitation card to them. I also tried to work on my spirituality too. So I'm good. I have to be good. 

    And like the song I keep listening to:

    Hey!

    I'm not giving up today

    Theres nothing getting in my way

    And if you knock knock me over I will get back up again

    Oh!

    If something goes a little wrong

    Well you can go ahead and bring it on

    Cause if you knock knock me over, i will get back up again!

  10. I was in high school, trying to convince my parents to let me stay home because I wasn't prepared for my classes....and then I was woken up by my husband for the second time to get ready for my psychiatrist appointment. Admittedly, I was more than a little peeved about having to go to the appointment. It's about that time when I start feeling like no medication will work, and I'm just wasting time and money. Also--I don't know why--but I feel a little embarrassed and uncomfortable when I have to tell the doctor that I don't feel any difference. I wonder if maybe I'm just not noticing the change, or if I'm doing something wrong. So when she explained that I was still on a low dose and that we could increase it, I was a little more hopeful. Since I have a lot of anxiety, it stands to reason I would require a high dosage of whatever I'm on to combat it.

    I'm glad too that my psychiatrist is so easy to talk to. She has a really friendly and sincere demeanor, so I can ask her questions that I couldn't ask most of my past doctors. For one, I told her about  my out of control eating and anxiety regarding food, and she suggested a medication that could help with my cravings. She had a prescription card to give me, so the first month will be free and the second only $15. Secondly, I brought up the baby question. I was really nervous to ask her if I should even try to get pregnant while on antidepressants. She explained that certain medications and doses are OK after the first trimester, and that it's something that we can work around when the time comes. More importantly, I expressed how scared I am that I won't be able to handle motherhood. She assured me that she thinks I'd be a good mother, and that my OCD is the likely culprit scaring me from trying. I really needed to hear that.

    All in all it was a pretty good day. My parents came by so my dad could lay down some boards in the attic, I got a nap in, and we went grocery shopping at Target. I got yummy olive hummus which I just indulged in, and now I'm hoping to resist eating any bingeing before I go to sleep. I will definitely be picking up that new med tomorrow to see if it helps with that. 

  11. Hertz
    Latest Entry

    Lately I've been feeling very unsatisfied everyday. It's like there was an abscess in my mind that must burst. I feel like something must change but not sure what, like I'm starting a new stage of my life that is not yet well defined.
    I feel like nothing is new, nothing excites me, going through the motion.
    I'm disappointed with love, professional life. I've considered doing volunteer work to get out of myself. My past volunteer experiences haven't been very satisfying, I don't have very fond memories of them.
    I'm having dreams of my father lately. Where I live with him even though I now live away with roommates. It might mean that I'm reproducing a pattern created by his influence, defence mechanisms.
    Since he moved away when I was 7, I might have developed a coping mechanism to adapt to this event.

  12. buttermybiscuit
    Latest Entry

    Ugh, celebrity obsessions are the worst. Mine is connected to my disorder. Become obsessed with someone, find something that sets off my morality alarm, obsess over it, repeat the process. And my new obsession is not just any celebrity, but a politician, which is just great. /sarcasm

    So I came across something I didn't like today. I don't know what would make me stop obsessing besides just getting bored of all the ridiculousness that goes along with this. Wasn't as peeved as I thought I would be. But I felt like posting about it. So I'm not really helping the situation by not going about and just living and letting this go

    Moral compass... I analayze the pros and cons constantly. I analyze my analyzation skills, lol. How can I REALLY have a clear opinion on something if I'm obsessing to the point of insanity over it? I'm trying to find a solution, but keeping an open mind should be the goal here. Who am I, really? Am I this or that?

    Today I wasn't relaxed, obviously. Kept thinking things and assuming things. some intrusive thoughts. And I just keep feeding the anxiety.

    Gosh...

  13. Why cannot memories die?  Like a scratched record infinitely repeating, happy moments serve to sharpen the edges of anguish.
    A glimpse of a smile worn ages ago echoes hollowly in me now.
    Her loving words clash with her parting.  None to blame but myself yet im too stupid to understand my crimes.  The word "why" shrieks in my head.

    Why did you go?  What did i do wrong?
    Anger ignites but its only target is myself.  Anger at being what i  am, who i am.  Never one who is worthy.  Rage burns...hatred for self.  Foolish one who is unworthy of those dreams.
     

  14. gs22
    Latest Entry

    I am burned out.  It's due to cumulative stresses from different jobs I've held, programs I've studied, coaching I've done, and last but not least, my family.  My life hasn't been made easier by the fact that I feel deep empathy for others and soak up their pain as though it were my own.  It's as though I'm a battery that can no longer recharge properly, and it's gotten to the point where I can barely read on here.  It has nothing to do with the regular posters; you guys have been wonderful to me.  I'm just trying to explain my absence.

    I do pick and choose what to read, not wishing to lose touch with the people I've become attached to.  It reminds me of the time before I joined up and would read here but had no energy to participate.  I was looking for articles on anxiety at the time but found an interesting story on a tennis player who had suffered from depression; it came as a surprise to me, never would have guessed.  I would reread this story countless times.  Then like now, I could barely breathe.  Just as I was recovering from that chronic anxious period, my mother got sick.   

    I feel at a loss.  I'm often teary-eyed, fed up with unfair demands made on me (by family), and cannot push myself much more physically or emotionally.  I'm easily wiped out and have a hard time recovering. 

    If I had the adventurous energy for it, I'd take a page out of Emily Barr's novel, Backpack, and take off on an Air Canada flight.  Her characters return home, however far they've travelled.  I'd be thrilled just to be able to leave.

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    Last week I was in my friend's car with some other people and he was bringing us back home after a really nice night.

    Some friends just slipped away from my life when I isolated myself and I couldn't blame them, but two in this car are truly amazing people and I always feel good with them even when anxious. Led Zeppelin were being played, bringing back some nice memories of when we used to play together.

    I was peaceful and happy in that car, my coat and the slight contact of the girl next to me provided a delightful warmth. Then I looked outside in the dark, and we passed a group of cars where the moisty air had frozen upon the glass and made it white.

    It was at that point that this strange emotion pervaded me: I had suddenly become disturbed by the warmth of the people and I wanted to escape outside in the freezing cold. It was like my soul was ice and I feared it would melt and disappear.

    I have forced myself in the past years to severe my bonds with people because I was ill and felt miserable. I hated the worried look of the few that knew and eventually felt ashamed of what the ones who didn't know could think of me. I thought that the solution was to hide, because I couldn't bring them anything good.

    Today I know that this was an error and a nonsensical thought, but even so the very feeling of being alone among the others has stuck with me.

    I guess that the hard part is to rewire our brain again, and I know this will take a long time and it will never be like it was before. At least I now try to look forward instead of indulging on the past like I did.

  15. I woke up today feeling two different ways at once, which sometimes happens for me. The overwhelming feeling is gratitude...but there's also a sense of discontent. I thought about it and discovered that the discontentment I'm feeling relates to how I'm feeling about myself. I decided to make a list of things that I'm not loving about myself, and what I'm doing to work on them. This is basically a pure journal entry written for myself and my own self-improvement, so feel free to skip on by this, lol. If you do choose to read, I hope you get something out of it!

    I am discontent with myself right now because:

    1. I have a feeling that I'm not doing absolutely everything I can to be successful in life and get to where I want to be.
    2. I feel that I haven't made enough spiritual progress; I'm not as good of a person as I'd like to be.
    3. I feel that I've overextended myself; I've made connections with a lot of people and offered them my help, and I feel like I'm not available to them as I should be.

    But in the interest of being fair to myself, here's what I am doing about these discontentments:

    1. I am actively putting a lot of work into my job search. I am scouring job boards, putting in a lot of applications, sending a lot of resumes, and I'm also reaching out to my girlfriend for help. She knows what she's doing a lot better than I do, and I'm using her knowledge and experience and applying it to my own job search.
    2. I am trying to be very cognizant about where I am spiritually and to give myself the credit I deserve. I have come a lot farther down the path of spirituality and being a good person in the past year than I had come previously in my entire life. I am not perfect, but no one is. I realize that spiritual progress should always be my goal, as spiritual perfection will always be out of my reach.
    3. All I can do is to try my hardest to fulfill promises and obligations I've made and agreed to. Also, it's important that I realize that I am overextended, and to not take on any more while my plate is already full.

    So now I feel a little better. I have recognized all the things about myself that are bothering me, and I've also given myself due credit for actively working on improving them. Cool :smilingteeth:

    Overall though, I'm grateful. I'm grateful to have a family who supports me, a roof over my head, food to eat. I'm grateful that I have a mental health team committed to helping me to stay emotionally well. And I'm overwhelmingly grateful to have a wonderful, amazing woman in my life who supports me, listens to me, accepts me for who I am. She is emotionally healthy and available, and she knows how much I love her and she is fully capable of receiving and appreciating that love. I am truly lucky to have her!!

  16. RiverLight
    Latest Entry

    I said I was leaving DF -- I have and am. However, I need to get this off my chest. Some people are just plain TOXIC. They cannot help but meddle in others' lives, lie outright and manipulate people. I am done with these types of people. I don't deserve any crap from anyone. I do not lie, nor do I try to manipulate people or mess with people's lives. I say it like it is to people, and whether they like it or not, it's the plain truth. I am honest, loyal and I am a good friend. Thank God I have close friends and a boyfriend who love me, cherish me and who believe in me, as well as my own family. They all make up for these most toxic people who are a disaster and try to create disasters for no good reason. They are drama-filled people. I choose happiness, and I choose to walk away from such types of people.

    I now have over 1800 followers on my Facebook page, and my new website has been shared nearly 250 times. I am enjoying writing and am having a blast with my new hobby -- I  am thriving and feel really good. My sweet, loving boyfriend is absolutely amazing, I love him dearly, and I am so grateful for him. All is good.

  17. "Clarity." I wish for clarity: to see things as they really are. But strangely enough I see that to have clarity, real clarity, is to bring on anxiety. After all, I am the descendent of a long line of worriers because the caveman that did not worry didn't live long enough to have many offspring.

    So what I should really wish for is "acceptance." Or, more accurately, "balance." Clarity, acceptance, balance. All of these things.

  18. So I've been having some terrible weeks lately but at the same time I have discovered some interesting things about myself and somethings I've been ignoring. See I just finished college, passed on the test to get my masters degree, which is already a pretty nice life changing event to kick up my depression into messing with me... But it's the end of the year and I just hate it, just plain hate it, for 3 simple reasons:

    First -  Two years ago one of my grandmas died two weeks before Christmas, basically in my arms, so now every year I can only fixate on how she love the festivities and that she's not around anymore.

    Second - The holiday spirit, everybody is happy and excited, everybody is talking to each other and having a good time... Which is the exact opposite of my personality and that only makes me feel like I don't belong anywhere, kinda of the same reason that I don't go to parties or anything similar, but all that happiness is happening on my living room, right outside my bedroom's door, so there is nowhere to run.

    Third - January 4th, the day that my family moved to a new city and that's the first step to triggering, seventeen years ago... Don't get me wrong now I'm really glad we moved, but my subconsciousness don't wanna forget how I felt all those years ago.

    Besides all that a few weeks ago I finally realized something, a simple thing that was bothering me for a long time and I could not pinpoint exactly what it was, I don't truly have any friends.

    If you get a simple definition of, let's say Google's:

    Quote

    a person whom one knows and with whom one has a bond of mutual affection, typically exclusive of sexual or family relations.

    Considering that I could say that I have a bunch of friends, so yey? But isn't that really shallow?

    What I notice about all my friends is that our relationship is shallow and empty. I though about all the times my friends came to talk to me and every single one was because they needed something and usually something that probably I was the only one who could solve the problem or I wasn't the first choice. And even that type of situation rarely happens, I think that 99,5% of my text messages go for my girlfriend (who talks to me every day less, which is starting to freak me out, but that's another story), the remaining 0,5% goes to family and friends. 

    Every time I try to have a conversation with anyone they always respond only the the minimal necessary, nobody never tries to keep the conversation going to the point that I just looks like a annoying person trying to get attention. Nobody ever think of me to do something fun, of course I don't have the ability  to dance so that's out of question, but besides that I could do anything really...

    Look, I'm not gonna put all the blame into the rest of the world. I'm the shy, weird, depressive guy, I don't have much to talk about, I'm not really fun or anything, but I try. Socializing is a skill and you can only get better if you practice, but how can I practice if nobody is willing to talk to me? How can I know what is a interesting topic to talk about if nobody shows me?

    I'm way more social than I was seven years ago, I tried really hard to get where I'm, got a girlfriend on the process which is nice, I've put myself out there, did everything I could some outside my limitations and in the end everybody still treats me the same way... So I really don't know if I'm still doing something extremely wrong or if is just my fate to be this way. I really tried to stop being this nice, always thinking about everybody, always trying to help, tried to stop caring about everyone but I couldn't.

    So I'm on a depressive episode for a full month I think, which is rare since I bipolar (but don't have mania episodes, fun right?), my doctor changed my medication and I'm gonna increase the dosage in 5 days, so looking towards that, but besides that I already lost hope. I don't wanna care about all this that is happening now but my brain just don't obey me.

    Thanks for anyone that read all this.

  19. So far, things have been pretty good for me.  I still work at the same place, but in a different department now.  It makes more money.  The only bad thing is that I got to work an overnight shift for about a month..maybe 2.    It's tough, but manageable.

    While training on the new job, I've been doing a lot better with training my body.  I have since lost 40, almost 45 pounds since going back to the gym and reworking my ENTIRE diet.  The holidays weren't even an issue anymore, and I think I've finally beaten emotional eating.  I don't eat just arbitrarily anymore and it's just a great feeling.  I think the only "difficult" thing is planning out meals.  If I don't plan property, then I will be hungry and end up eating junk food.  All in all, I'm really happy about my weight loss so far.

    Things are about the same between husband and myself.  I'm pretty sure at this time though, he has taken a break from job hunting.  He's still at the same job he's hated and I've been doing my best to be supportive.  He was complaining about being depressed as well, so I've tried to cook more for him to be healthy.  I mean.. it's worked for me.  He's still picky as about food, so most often, I will cook and he'll still opt to eat a TV Dinner instead ¬_¬  Still trying to figure out how to tackle that one..

    I don;'t know..  I'm still a little depressed over the relationship.  Husband HAS been trying much better to be part of daily chores.  He still can't cook for himself though, and he still wastes free time with video games.  

    When the weather gets better, I will be out of the house more, and I hope to take him with me.

  20. samadhiSheol
    Latest Entry

     I'm getting more disheartened as the days fly by with all the inconclusiveness and disparateness that is my life. The fundamental dispersion of coherence of mind. I don't know who I am. I don't know where I'm heading or where I'd like to go. I don't know why my violent moodswings occur. Why I am so manic in my self-destructive thoughts and sprees of bruised knuckles and forehead.

    The thoughts ir/rational,

    coming and going,

    in and out,

    always something to think about,

    something to fear,

    be angry about

    Reasons to hate myself

    Reason to despair

    As I have no place

    Here, there, anywhere.

    I don't know. Neither do the psychiatrists with their trial and error tatctics according to the sanctfied and all knowing DMS V.

    I have no dreams or passion. I don't think I've ever had either. I drift through life like derelect ghost with no home.

    I do things. I'm fully functional(when I don't do what I do best, which is procrastinate and not do enough, so it's all my fault and the selfhate is justified, even though I.m.doing the best i can, but I can/should do more shouldn't I?). Job, wife bla, bla. This life isn't mine though. Amnesia but backwards.

    I recognize my life

    memories,

    feelings,

    thoughts,

    Tears and fears

    But not the person in remembrance. The "me".

    The pain is all mine though. So is the rage, anger and feeling of helplessness. I obviously have mental health issues. But no one knows what they are.

    Who am I? Where am I going? What do I want? Why does my mind race? Why have I never slept properly without medication? What is the point as

    It burns to the quick

    Nihilsim, pessimism

    Fear, anger dispair

    It sears me from within

    The anger, hatred

    I harbour

    The vehemence

    I feel towards myself

    What I need

    What I wish

    The gift of Oblivion.

    I want it now.

    I want.

     

     

     

  21. I sometimes wonder why I still come here. I started using the blogs as a means to track my progress. From May of last year to now, I see I haven't changed much. I stopped picking furiously at my skin. I started to rely on my friends for emotional support. In a selfish way, I am content that they are my audience and mine alone. 

    I'm still depressed. I'm still afraid. I'm still numb.

    There is not much else to record here now that I have a new group to fall back on. Now that I have hem I don't feel as alone as before. Somehow the intrusive memories have slowed down in terms of recurrence. Instead of coming to my dreams they come when I think of them. Now that I'm going to college my family holds me a little higher. Except for my mother, but that will never change. I had enough hardships last year. This year will be like breeze on steel. I have been hardened by the traumas of the past and I will continue to march.

    Maybe this will be my last entry. Maybe this will be the last I come here. Maybe I'll come back here in a month and then disappear again. I can't tell the future.

    To whomever I have hurt with my callousness: I cannot change your opinions on what I have done to you. You came to me with peace and I rejected it. In my childishness I became blinded and bit the hand that offered help. I deeply regret every last bit of it. My cynical mind wounded your gentle heart. I am sorry. I do not know if you will ever read this. I do not know if it will give you closure. I only hope you have peace at mind, whether you find this entry or forget me entirely. May you find peace and happiness wherever you are.

     

     

    Per aspera ad astra.