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  1. Lately, I've just been feeling so down and the energy to pretend like I'm normal at work is draining me. I feel like I have my hands raised high and have been carrying a barbell for hours my arms are wobbly, my brain is wobbly, my heart is wobbly. I"m dying emotionally... I'm fading away.

    My anxiety and loneliness levels are through the charts. I posted everything I was thinking last night in another forum but I feel exactly the same right now. I have work on my mind... I'm just not getting anywhere, I have no identity, I feel like my life is over. I don't know. I studied and achieved so much academically got into some serious debt and I'll just be low on the totem pole where I work. There's no room for growth little funding. I haven't made connections for a better job. Jobs that should have been easy to get with my skills. I dont know what the F is going on. I'm not entitled. I will work my @ss for a good job but I want a good job. I guess I fell for the whole education will open doors to a career. I bought a lemon with this damn law degree. stupid. JD is not a juris doctorate it's a junk degree.

    I don't even use my degrees, I make as much as a grape picker (for those who know, you know how much I make, queue sad face). There will be no one to share my knowledge with (a partner) or even pass down to (I'm childless). I'm turning 34 in 10 days.

    Making people laugh is my pass time and I do it through memes. I feel like I'm losing myself and this humor swirling in my head (I have 0 friends to share with) is all I have left. I"m not who I used to be, I can't be who I wanted to be, it's too late. All the anti-depressants made me old or something, I don't even look the same. I'm more vain now than when I was in my 20s I guess bc I see my body my skin starting to break down. I guess I did have enough self esteem to think I was decent looking. No one bothers to look anymore.  ahhh I just want someone to love!! I know it sounds so flipping vain. But I don't want to age. Its the first physical sign that says .. it's too late to change your life, it's too late for someone to notice and want to be with you, it's too late.

    I meme therefore I am... rather I meme it's who I used to be. funny and cute.

    Bring on the memes!













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  2. I was a Comparative Religion major in college. I studied and compared world religions in an anthropological, analytical sort of way. No matter what your faith is, it is not right or wrong, whether that be atheist, pagan, Catholic, Christian, Buddhist, Muslim or so forth. I personally tend to think that atheists are a bit short-sighted to not think that there is something much greater than them governing the universe, yet I can understand why someone may not believe in a "God". After all, to believe in a God, or many Gods, is to think there is a higher mind, which is illogical. How can our minds fathom that there is a higher being in charge of all of us, the constellations and planets? It is unfathomable. Yet our small minds cannot imagine or stretch to the infinite. Space is infinite, and we have yet to know much. My late uncle was an astrophysicist who worked at MIT. Well, he taught me yet again there is so much we do not yet know.

    What is beyond space? If space if infinite, what exists beyond? And if there is no God, then how in the world did this universe, our planetary ecosystem, and multiple universes beyond ours become so perfected in motion? Why is it that every single religion since the beginning of time speak of Angels? And what about the miracles described in the Holy Bible? Were those real or fabricated? These are questions I have, to which I have no answers.

  3. Today I realized that I did something I thought would make me feel a little better. Well all it did was make my suffering worse. Making me regret what I did, but I can't turn back time, I can't undo what has been done. Now I wish I would end it, I wish that tomorrow never comes, that I never see the sun rise. I wish I will close my eye to go to bed and I don't wake-up. Please take way the pain, make the suffering end, please I beg you, make it all stop please.

  4. My favourite book in grade 2. Little did I know that I would be reminded of it in times like these. What a different meaning it has for me 35 years later (of course...but still...)


  5. So I had my annual review at work the other day. Long story short, I start my workday at 10, per an arrangement I made with my last boss, who was fine with it. I told her about my depression and insomnia and she suggested that if it would help I could start work at 10 instead of 8:30.  So that's what I've been doing. Well I got a new boss almost a year ago and at first he said that was fine (he doesn't know about the depression or insomnia). Lo and behold it was held against me on my review, and I didn't get the raise I hoped for. If he had a problem with it why did he wait almost a year to tell me? To tell the truth, I have to force myself to get out of bed EVERY MORNING and make a CONSCIOUS DECISION to go to work. I don't just jump out of bed and get going. It's a daily struggle. So this morning I woke up and faced the struggle - again - and made it in to work at 10:10.  For some reason my eye was swollen shut and I felt like crap, but I put one foot in front of the other. Some a-hole passed me on a speed trap where I was going 25 miles an hour. It's a speed trap because a little girl was killed years ago by a speeder and everyone in the community knows to drive 25 MPH on that road out of respect. And the cops actively look out for speeders there. But this a-hole was apparently from out of town and he angrily passed me on the left (a two-lane road). No cops were in sight. But that just fueled my angst. It's not that my job is so horrible, it's just that I don't want to be here, or ANYWHERE. I just want to go away for a while and be left in peace, to not have to do anything for anyone. I just want to sleep.

  6. My last group therapy today. My 12 week one-to-one course starts next week. After 7 prior sessions, it was the 8th that finally got me as I escaped from the room today. Everyone on about mental health and stigma, most saying how they were so relieved to get diagnosed for personality disorder on top of the depression and anxiety (peace of mind), and how - contrary to a popular survey - their immediate families didn't add to the stigma. Well, perhaps my biggest frustration has been desperately struggling to identify my other issues; I definitely have a/some personality disorder/s on top of the anxiety and depression. Also I'll say now - I was going to make a thing of it with a seperate post but I'll just say it here - I have also been diagnosed with PTSD. So that's finally another step which makes a lot of sense. I actually got my first diagnosis of that last year but blanked it ('that couldn't be me'), but recently was given it again and have finally accepted it. On top of the previous possibilities I've been looking into (Bipolar, ADHD/ADD, Aspergers, etc) I've also been suggested a new one that is a strong possibility: Dyslexia (with hints of Dyspraxia too, though apparently they kinda bleed into each other anyway).I was constantly reminded of that last one today as I kept writing words wrong, afraid to call people by their name in case I got it wrong, and a whole thing with phone numbers. You see afterward we all went to the pub and ended up exchanging numbers. I wish I was more outspoken and checked the numbers but was so afraid of buggering up I just gave my number to a couple of people, without even knowing their names or numbers. Thankfully I think I've kinda sorted it now, kinda. But why should I have numbers of people anyway? Why would they want to be my friend? My current friends have enough of a hard time as it is. That's all the thinking in my head in these situations. I suppose us knowing about each others' health issues helps us relax a little but at the same time for me it feels like I'm massively exposed. It's one thing to put on a mask and act a part; that's tiring. Once you're acquainted with someone someone closely then you take off that mask and can even expose the health issues and more; it's difficult yes even after years of knowing someone in such a close way. But getting to know someone face-to-face for the first time with all that exposed; it's tough. All my self-loathing comes out full-force. And today as you can tell my mind is in clumsy/overdrive mode torturing myself, combing over details, remembering that my therapist/CPN (whatever they're called) stated he thought I showed the most progress throughout the course despite things still clearly being extremely difficult almost constantly, I managed to open up a little. Which I have done I guess. Though it feels like everytime I do, I immediately need to stab myself and look down at the floor for being so stupid for saying such stupid selfish things and my life's a mess and I have no purpose and ugh... yeah typewriter's crashed again... I... don't know what I'm gabbin about anymores. Sorry. I'm gonna... *******it why I'm still typing?

  7. Searchingforasoul
    Latest Entry

    Just an hour ago I told my wife I'm going through some of stuff I went through 12 years ago. I saw my occupational health physician and next week will get a reassessment by a psychiatrist.

    When I told my wife about depression creeping in and possible bipolar disorder, she said so why can't I just be grateful with what I have?

    It was then I knew as I realized the previous time around, that she would never understand the emptiness, the dissatisfaction, the incapability to feel gratitude, the outsideness I feel in this pseudo existence I call my life. She will never understand how I've come to realize I've acted out my life because there really isn't anything at all within.

    There were words (I don't know how to argue. I just take it, fume and simmer within)but it ended with me putting a bit of gloss over the whole thing.

    I feel I'm sinking fast. I'm calm right now, but I just know this is it. This is as good as it will ever get. Nothing can or will get better for me. There is no point for me to keep going on anymore. I'll never know what I want. There is no option available I would want to take advantage of.

    All I have is this crushing guilt I feel for being this way. That and the nihilism, also this self loathing I've felt for a long time now. I know why some people think they love me. I haven't shown them my true "self". The emptiness and futility that is me. Nobody wants that in there lives. I certainly don't.

    Getting too tired to care anymore.



  8. I found out today that a girl i used to babysit (when she was single digits - shes now in her mid 20s) is pregnant. one would think their initial reaction would be excitement or happiness for them, but when i heard it, i felt crushed. something i so badly want for myself, its hard watching everyone else get to go thru it. 

    its all i wanted in life, even more than the depression to go away. since i was a kid. i just want to be a mom. deep down i know its never going to happen, and it stings.

    it bothers me to know im going to grow old all alone...with no purpose....and for my only goal in life not happening.


    Edit***6/30*** my coworkers 4 & 3 yr old (who have grown up in the office...who i totally love and who gravitate towards me cause i play games with them) asked me today (of all times) if i was a mommy. i said "nope, im not" and the 4yr old asks "so you dont have any kids? thats sad" i mean it was funny and cute cause hes just 4, but its reality.


  9. Just came back from a second interview. I think it went really well. My good mood lasted 5 minutes at most until I realized I messed up the salary expectation thing. It's a base + commission type of remuneration. I asked 30K base salary, but I should have used an interval, like 30 to 40k. I know they understood my demand as meaning "around 30K" because that's what one of the interviewers said, and I didn't have the guts to correct him. Now I'm almost certain they will give less. Perhaps even 25K. Everything is ruined. I'm such a newb. I think I lack professional self-esteem too for not standing up for myself more.

    We'll see what happens. Heck, I might even not get the job at all! Maybe I would prefer that to getting a salary that's too low. Is that good self-esteem or acting like a spoiled child?

    All I know is that I never want to repeat such a mistake again. Next time I will think hard about the minimum base salary I want, and give a bracket between it and 10k more.

    Learning is painful.

  10. I'm seriously getting fed up with having to deal with little unfixable nuisances in life.  Like my eyes not resting when I close my eyelids and instead focusing on the patterns in the darkness below them, keeping my brain awake.  Or my toes deciding to suddenly ache like they've been stomped on when I've been keeping my blood sugar down.

    I've never had a stable computer despite being the most knowledgeable about them in my family.  Which really isn't saying much, but I have decent common sense.  My mother's ex, my mother herself, and my grandmother always end up summoning me when their computer throws a huge hardware error, or they snag some particularly nasty malware or ransomware off the internet and get told they would have to pay hundreds of dollars to get it professionally fixed.  It usually takes me a couple of hours and a stream of half-shouted curse words whenever I run into another snag, but so far I've managed to clear them all away for free.

    So it's insanely frustrating that my system always develops some error that induces blind-level rage when it pops up, and I am completely and entirely incapable of fixing it.  My first system would randomly blast a high pitched whine out of the speakers for no discernible reason.  Being as I listen to music to relax, this was a tremendous immersion shatterer.  Changing speakers didn't work, updating drivers didn't work, restoring the computer to factory settings didn't work.  No forum on the entire internet could tell me what was causing it.  I eventually got lucky enough to get a new computer handed down to me, though.  And that system is likely now a roach colony.

    My second computer would freeze for no reason whatsoever.  It wasn't overheating.  It wasn't faulty software.  I made sure to take it apart and clean every part thoroughly with static-free implements.  And it would still lock for zero reason.  No forum on the internet could tell me how to fix it.  Eventually I got lucky enough to get a new computer because I was set to go to online college and needed one.  That old system now sits in my closet, the parts I couldn't use for other things covered in dust.

    My third computer had no parts from the second.  Or any of the software.  In the case that freezing was just because of something bad being installed.

    My third computer would freeze for no reason whatsoever as well.

    I dealt with this rage diarrhea-ing issue for ten years.  Never found a solution.  Never found a fix.  And finally scrounged up enough money to put $2,000 into a brand new machine a year ago.  My old system now sits in the closet, awaiting the day we move again so I can set it up for my father to do e-mail on.

    My fourth system doesn't freeze.  But it d.... oes when you sc.....roll web, play vi....deo, or play vid....eo games on it at r.....andom.  It's usually about a quarter of a second of lock every second, but it's massively distracting.

    No forum on the internet can explain this error.  No amount of cleaning has fixed this error.  No amount of virus scanning can fix this error.  No amount of system restoration can fix this error.  This error is infinite.  This error is unexplainable.


  11. I have a hospital appointment tomorrow afternoon. One that I am quite anxious about.

    You see, a few weeks ago I had to have an X-day done of my lower back. Whilst looking at it with the orthopedic doctor, I noticed my coil seemed to be upside down. When I asked him about it, he shrugged it off stating that was not his field.

    Wait... what?

    So, I rang my gp and she asked me to come in the next day to have a look for it. They couldn't find it. They had to refer me to gynecology. 


    Fast forward two weeks, a phone call from a doctor to tell me she received the referral and can't say for sure where it migrated to .... add a bucket load of anxiety and here we are.

    Ultrasound tomorrow.

    I need to know where that thing migrated to. It's driving me nuts not knowing where this foreign object in my body is. Why didn't it stay where it is supposed to be? I didn't even want that thing in the first place! I requested to be sterilized due to damn good reasons. But no, that would be too drastic, request denied.

    And now I am stuck with a hobo mirena that could potentially do damage. It's making me cranky as ****, because it's freaking me out.

    No control whatsoever.





  12. It's not even a game, really. It's a bad, bad, bad, bad, bad, bad habit. Or a compulsion? Or just a negative result of my avoidant personality. Anything uncomfortable--so, basically, a lot of frickin' things!--is something I'm willing to put off as long as possible. Maybe there was a time when I could put things off and get away with it (youth and helicopter parents can be a privilege), but those days are far gone now. But I never learn.

    I'm so mad at myself. And I know I'll procrastinate again, because I never learn. I'm too old to keep making the same mistakes, but I don't know if I have the strength to change. I just keep making messes that make my life even more difficult than it has to be. Why, why do I do this?? GAH!

    Now I'm ruminating, my heart's beating too fast, and I can't distract myself from that feeling that the sky is falling (or about to any second). I'm so angry with myself, and I feel so dumb. All I can do is hope that I'm catastrophizing (which I do do at times). I'll see I guess.

  13. Another day of nothing. I have 2 guitars and not one plays right . why because I think i can still do waht iuased to do but really i cant look i cant spell im a little bit slow now think backwards write backwards i turn the oven on and put chicken in the fridge i go down to check the chicken where is it in the fridge I go to get something on the way there I forget I go to wash the dishes on the waythere i go to the bathroom i forget to the rdishes i have problems just tuning my guitar i cant remember wich way i turn the peg I just relearned tuning GADGBE no its EADGBE i think I used to know drop down tuning lets see open G EAGDBE well i dont know why my $600.00 esp ltd would be making a wierd sound like something is loose i checked the neck bow needed some adjustment string height okay now i have a gead spot by the 13th fret hm will raise the strings up now the noise is worse i noticed a crack in my pickup cover  loosen all the strings take it out so i tape iit back on no still sounds bad okay i got a fender squire strat i will play it no it sounds like crap lot of string buzz try try try wont go away 8 hrs i still cant play its not every day I even feel like it usaully i sit stare cooper tosses a ball on my lap i toss it he gets it puts on my lap my eyes are closed head hanging down he whips me with rope i grab it he pulls growls after a half hour he lays down i sit my eyes shut head hanging down im just taking up space I cant work icant take care of myself nothing is fun oh i gota court date wed my tobe ex needs to give up some money I cant liv off my savings another year i would have to start selling things I only want a hudred bucks a week I dont care about the 3 bank accounts you have opened sinse we have been married yuck I sat in church every sunday with you even gave you a kiss for a greeting Its not my fault the company left I dont have no skills or degree or talent just 24 yrs striaght with manufacturing you thats a lot of experience it also means your old and after that many years of hard work you may have a few injurys or owies she didn't believe i was registered with every temp service in rock county so where she works making $21.00 hr driving a man or person up picker womans lib until its time to shovel the gravel the lady at the temp service they use said oh yes he is registered why dont you hire him he has alot of experience oh yeah oh great now i get to work withya i get 8.50 an hr oh joy to the world i got him a job now No job now i cant even make it to the shower some days i hear cooper calling so i let him in got him some cold water this what i do day after day feed my friend cooper let him in let him out sit in the dark eyes closed head down I ate once today oh i take pills too they just dont work liike they used too. i dont think i will live much longer i dont know what will happen to cooper my brother and sister probably will split every thing I have of course when your succesfull like them you probably will just sell it oh yes my big sisiter she has a law ba from uw wisconsin her bar in wi, min,cal, virginia and the ditrict of columbia she was a chief executive in dc for the eeoc now she accepted a new position with homeland security she wrote the no fear act and now she dont have to go to the office they do tela confrencing she was the one who said i needed to file for ssdi and she also is single nad has adopted 2 boys one from guatimala another from hatia oh she is so good and my big brother what a gifted man he was a apprentice tin smith and mill right cnc he also is a fishing guide in minocua wi but he can do more he is a musicain playing the local bars night clubs, and he even has a website music on youtube and a couple cds me i sit here my eyes closed head down in the dark you see im just taking up space and my brother is named after my dad who was named after his dad and he has a boy with the same name bernie 1boy 1 girl i was an accident i was a screwball i need to shape up buster thats what my dad alwys told me while he was drunk laying on the davenport eating supper my mom made father leave him alone she would say he didnt listen just  went on about me being bad not like my brother or sister she was number 2 in her class I was 466 out of 510 what a waste of space I have become maybe one day i will straighten up otherwise  i wont see him again in heaven.nogoodrelationship104_3660.JPG

  14. That seems to be the standard line by people that have hurt you be it your mother, father rest of your family because somehow by adulthood you should magically overcome a lifetime of neglect and abuse------> you guessed it--------> BY LOVING YOURSELF! This i'm told  by people in the know will take away all my self doubt and shame and loneinesss. And then  like from heaven on high i will  be loved not only by god but get this the girl of my dreams who can't stand me i mean can you believe it??? That's all i have to do and the world is mine i never knew it could be so easy?? That's why we are all so unhappy is that we don't give ourselves over to a higher power that may or may not exist???? Isn't it wonderful to know all things are possible with "GOD"


    Reality is there's no god or at least not  the one preachers rant and rave bout in the bible which was written by man not god. Anyway off to be happy i will check back in later to tell everybody how all my dreams have come true and i have purpose and love and fullfillment  and that i'm not a whiney little Biotch anymore cause i saw the light praise jesus!

  15. Zaps

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    Now don't even reply to me unless you've known from the earliest awakening in your life that you, amongst the oddities, were too-far-out-there to find a home ANYWHERE.  

    I'm at home with everyone, since I get to be them all for a few minutes once per month or so.

    I'm at home with no one since I can't stay there long, can't choose when or where I will be on their wavelength.

    Yes, the wide ranging bipolar takes one look into your eyes and knows your state, not because He/She is smart, but because we've been there recently, just traveling through.

    Yes, I feel you, but only in passing, only for a moment.  But I love you always because I know what it feels like, to be you, to be me.  


  16. On my first day to be warded, I cried terribly. The old ladies scare me the most. A terrible warning of what may become of me. There's an old lady beside me, whose cries and moans resonate with me eerily. Would I cry like that when I'm her age too?

    My fear is real. Some of the patients here are very young, barely out of their teens. I look at them sympathetically. I fear for them, for their path would not be easy. I told the doctor, "Being here, I'm looking at my past, present and future, at its worst perspective." I am looking at a bleak future.

    Before I left, I told one of the young ladies this; when I found out she has no family to depend on.

    "Take good care of yourself k? We need to love ourselves more when we don't have people to care for us."

  17. After 6 weeks in I was getting extremely dry mouth. It was definitely working for anxiety but made me groggy. I've decided to forgo all meds and self medicate with garden shrub as needed. For me to get out of my hole I'm going to need some fire in me. It was nice being zombified but alittle scary as well. My doctor wanted to up the dose saying 10mg is a very small quantity.

    Therapy is working. It gets me up. The place I go has 10 therapists working out of it so when I get there its kind of cool to be in a waiting room knowing everyone there is seeking some form of psychological help. I feel comfortable with this new therapist and just sharing with someone who is listening and trying to understand helps.

  18. "You're s*** at dying!" Sandor Clegane. Game of Thrones

    Well, he did have a (terribly amusing - to me, at least) point.

    Maybe that's where I went wrong?

    Maybe all i had to do was the wrong thing to the wrong people and problem solved.

    Hang on, I spent years doing wrong things and many of those to some seriously wrong people and I'm still here.

    Funny how living seems so much more straightforward. Maybe that's just because that's where I am?

    Nah, slowly dying is ****ing hard work.



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    There once were 2 sisters..

    2 sweet girls go walking down a city street......

  19. I often wonder why some days are harder than others.  I almost feel like two different people.

    Person A- wakes up, showers, eats breakfast, goes to work, gets tasks done, leaves work on time, eats dinner on time, reaches out to family and friends, gets enough sleep, may hit the gym every other day

    Person B-Hits snooze multiple times, even though she knows more sleep wont help her feel better.  May or may not shower.  May leave for work on time, will stress and get upset at self if late. Work tasks take twice as long to complete.  Down time spent worrying about situations that may not even happen yet.  Has to leave work late because didn't get job done.  Goes home and either goes to bed or eats unhealthy food.

    Today I got to be person A and person B.  And that made it even more difficult because of the mood change mid-day, person B couldn't keep up with everything person A had started.


    I wish I knew why I felt so bad. 

  20. I like to travel. I'd like to travel much more extensively than my budget will allow, but I enjoy getting out when I can. There's just something about driving that soothes my soul. I miss riding motorcycle with my husband since his bike is broken down. If you ever get a chance to ride motorcycles with someone, don't pass it up.  It's a total 3-*****ng-D experience.  Even if you're a co-rider, it's still intense. There's no such thing as idle passengers on a motorcycle. Even the name co-riders tells you that. The co-rider has to be just as aware of the road as the rider. And it's an almost instant brotherhood. Bikers are some of the most generous and thoughtful people I know. Anyway, I didn't start this blog post to talk about bikers. (ride safe, bros)

    Back in the first part of June, we managed to make it to the 'Peace, Love & Goodwill' Festival at the Myriad Botanical Gardens in downtown Oklahoma City.  It was interesting, and it was nice to get out and indulge a hobby I don't get to indulge very often - 'people watching'.  I love to just sit back and watch people walk by, see how they're dressed, how they carry themselves, what they talk about as they pass by, see who they're with and how they interact. 

    I also enjoy the Myriad Botanical Gardens, they are so beautiful.  My family and I had a wonderful time, it is really amazing to be able to get out and see the world again.  Remembering what I've been able to get out and see helps me make it through the hard times, hence this blog post.

    When you first enter the festival, at least through the main entrances, there are these mysterious banners strung between the trees. Apparently local kids made these. 



    This is part of a lower garden area that straddles a short canal running underneath the crystal building that houses the actual Botanical Gardens. 



    Here's a white egret, or cattle egret. These things are nearly a dime a dozen in rural Oklahoma.



    Here is some video I shot of a miniature waterfall in this same part of the gardens.  Enjoy the sound of running water, I know I do! 


    We also came across this fountain display elsewhere in the Myriad Botanical Gardens. I don't know who the kid is in the picture, but he really seems to get a kick out of it.




  21. smells like donuts for a change (unlike the usual musty closet or pee smell, etc). Things are looking up today.

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    Latest Entry

    The past three years have been pretty bad and up until 6 months ago they got worse and every waking hour was filled with anxiety, flashbacks and panic attacks, sleep was filled with nightmares.

    the NHS refused me therapy after saying that I needed help but they wouldn't provide it because I was suing the organisation that caused me to have PTSD.

    despite this I managed to find a good therapist privately who's rates differed depending upon financial circumstances, because of this I could afford one or two sessions a week.

    I told my therapist how pan used to help and they asked why I stopped. To cut a long story short I tried garden shrub again and it's helped take the edge off of anxiety, depression and the flash backs have lessened.

    I feel more able to cope but I still have bad days.

    I got so bad that I didn't take much pride in my personal appearance and chores for neglected.

    Today I decided that I do care about my appearance again and I spent time to shave my legs, Also try a new hair style by following a tutorial for wavy hair on YouTube. Tomorrow I might get my nails and brows done.

    Chroes I want to get on top of, If I can't then I might hire someone for a few hours to help get the worst of it done. I will try and find a cheap Hoover too since the landlord broke ours and never replaced it.

    The landlord giving me harassment and my health issues are the only big issues at the moment and anxiety. 

    More and more I feel peaceful and that's all I ever wanted was to feel peaceful and happy. It's early days and eventually my medicine might run out but for now I am getting by.

  22. Lady Mozzer
    Latest Entry

    That`s how I feel inside.There`s just emptiness,nothing inside of me.I`ve been going through this for years.The depression is the worst.When I am going through depression it feels so hopeless like it will never ever get better.I`m finding it more and more difficult to try to hold it inside.I know it`s not good to hold things inside and let them fester but I`m not good at talking to other people.The best I can do is write it down.So here I am.

    I used to cut or burn myself in order to feel better.I haven`t done that in quite a while.Though I admit I still hit myself when I get frustrated and angry.It`s funny you know that hurting myself on the outside made me feel better on the inside.I did pay the price for that though.Now I am full of scars that I`m embarrassed and ashamed of.It`s really hot where I live so long sleeves aren`t always possible.I `ve had to explain a few times and I always feel ashamed.No I don`t tell them that I did this to myself.I tell them it was an accident.I don`t know if they buy it or not.I just don`t want to explain to people that I did this to myself.I mean how would I explain it.It sounds crazy and it`s a really sh!tty way to cope with what`s going on inside your head.

    Sometimes I don`t think I can stand this one minute longer.But I go on.I don`t think I could hurt my family in that way.I often think I would be less of a burden If I tooK that way out.I still try because of my family.I can though understand those who do.It`s like you can`t take all this stuff one minute more.I don`t think of it as giving up I think of it as trying to end the pain.I don`t think most people who do it want to go.I think they just want to make the sh!t stop.I guess I`m rambling now.I`m sorry.

  23. qwerty21
    Latest Entry

    My mood lately has been I guess okay. I mean I am in a constant state of depression I think. I was watching a part of a documentary on Youtube about depression and first of all it had these people who they were interviewing and in all their stories the depression was more severe than mine. So in a way it's good that I don't have that severe depression, but in another way it was slightly annoying that I couldn't relate to any one of them, and also maybe it created kind of a stereotype that depression is always very severe. The documentary also suggested depression is something physical in the brain. Then I scrolled down the comments and it said there's sad-depressed and then there's real depressed. Well I think I'm sad-depressed. But I still think that that's depression too just as well. And I'm not sure my depression is very physical in my brain, like as if there was something wrong with it. My life just is subjectively (in a way objectively also) bad. So that's why I get sad. So that's why I'm depressed, cos my life is almost always bad, so almost always I'm sad.

    I'm going to a kind of a therapist today. There they interview me to see if I would be suitable for a 9-day "looking at opportunities" period. I don't like the sound of it and I don't think it's gonna do any good, but I'm gonna give it a try if they think I'm suitable. Also I talked to my physical doctor about my mental problems, so I'm meeting with a psychiatrist through another channel. So I pat myself on the back that at least I'm trying to get help. Again, I don't think it's gonna do any good cos no psychiatrist can at least directly solve my problems. Only give suggestions on how to go about it.

    My plan is that I'm gonna see if the mental help does any good, and after when it prolly doesn't, I'm gonna book a holiday to go to New York. I'm gonna see the John Lennon memorial. Just maybe also see a 9/11 museum thing. Other than that, I have nothing planned and prolly I'm not gonna do anything except go to store/restaurant every once in a while. So prolly it's gonna be kinda boring, but it beats staying at home all the time.