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  1. I have one word of advice that comes from this weekend:  Exercise!!!  When they tell you to do it and that it helps depression, DO IT!!!!!  

    I had to set up at a festival this weekend as a favor for a friend.  Due to some blunders and mixups it involved a lot of walking.  A LOT of walking.  And it was hot and humid with the sun beating down on me.  I've been a couch potato for years.  I thought it was going to **** me.  I had to do this two days in a row and by the end of the second day when I got home I thought I was going to die.  Really.  I flopped down on the bed and waited to die.  I couldn't do another thing that night.  Not cook, or anything.  

    I had a good night's sleep, and the next day (yesterday) I woke up sore and stiff, but as I got up and got ready for the day I felt something I haven't felt in a long time (well at least not since I was on the bupropion last year which I had to quit because it gave me restless legs and insomnia) - ENERGY!!!!!  Yes I was stiff and sore but I know that you have to keep moving to work through the soreness.  I actually went to the garden center and bought some plants, did some planting and even cleaned up some things around the yard, cutting down some misplaced bushes sown by the birds that I have been staring at for months.  I felt GREAT!!!!!  :D :D :D

  2. RiverLight
    Latest Entry

    It's a brand new day, full of new hope, vision and possibility, just as each new day is. I am over feeling angry, my dreams took away the anger. Today I feel refreshed and ready to tackle the world.... or at least my studies, lol. A friend of mine pointed out that each day is a new beginning. I liked that concept. A new way to look at things, a new way to approach your life. Each day presents a new opportunity to grow and learn from yesterday's mistakes or foibles. I will pick myself up today, smile at the sun and let it's warm, happy rays soak into my body. I feel strong. Nothing can harm me today. Not even you, annoying recruiter. I will stick to my guns about what I think is right or fitting to do, as I always have.

    It's a brand new day.

    cliffs waterfall and river image.jpg

  3. The adrenaline rush and momentary feeling of self-empowerment has come and gone from yesterday's Telling the Ex to F Off Day. Reality set in and all the insecurities and hunger to be loved came back. It's all replaying in my head, like the loud screech you hear from a microphone getting too close to a loud speaker, uhhhh cringe, the sound won't stop.

    I was just a stick minding my own business, flowing down the river, trying not get stuck and the pit of mud just came out of nowhere. So there I am, stuck and surrounded by mud. I don't know how I can get myself out of this one. The anxiety came back.

    uhh, oh man, square one, i didn't think i'd be here, getting confronted with the past. I want to address it differently this time, but I don't know how. When I first got dumped by this guy I just dwelled on it, I replayed and broke down every single thing I could remember him saying and doing, the same for my words and actions. I weighed the responsibilities and faults as objectively as I could. And with every thought just pain. pain for the heartbreak and pain bc i knew damn well it's maladaptive behavior that i've been struggling to fix for years.

    I watched nothing but news, documentaries... I tried to detach myself from emotion. So, I intellectualized everything. But it's extremes, if I'm feeling it then I feel it all, I cry, I rock myself in the bathtub when I shower and I lay in bed in the tightest fetal position I can get to. If i don't feel at all, ... no i wish i couldn't feel at all. All I can do is just push stuff beneath the surface.

    Sadly, this was the closest to having a chance at having a family with this person before it all went to hell. Its just not in the cards and that's the lemon juice that gets squeezed into my recently re-opened wound.

    Why did you text me bro!!!?! geezus F, you b@stard.

  4. MESS

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    Natasha1
    Latest Entry

    I REALLY need to stop this crap of not taking my sleep medication.  It's obviously being prescribed for a reason and I'm up half the night.

    My hell month is starting and I'm not ready. I can't wait until July. 

    I think I'm about to start being completely grumpy...

     

  5. Gisele
    Latest Entry

    So Ruby comes home from school all flustered about the end of the world. We're all doomed, apparently.

    This is according to....let me get this straight...Sarah's mum who says that there will a war between somewhere and some other place/thing I've never heard of because she probably read about it in her coffee grounds...but....it could all be the zombies fault because we didn't feed the giraffes enough but....hang on...this is all silly because it's a disease, mum, and she knows this because Miss Cartwright has been away sick since, well, ages now and bugger me if I'm not pitiful for not knowing any of this stuff.

    Her at times exasperated 'derrrr, Mum' sort of zeal had me worried that she really was, well, worried. Which of course she wasn't because she HAS to survive because her younger sister Lucy depends upon her and how silly of me because I did not know this. I confess here that I did not ;) I love that she thinks this though!

    The good news is that Sarah's mum need not worry. Her liver won't hold out that long.

    The other good news is that I kept this thought strictly to myself. I have been burnt by this too many times to not know better.

    The other, other good news is that tomorrow's topic will be completely different. It always is.

    *

    At the end all of it, her dad sauntered in. His contribution to our world ending was less than earnest. Standing at the fridge when Ruby shared her thoughts with him he grabbed some milk, walked over solemnly, knelt to meet her at eye level and said with mock gravity, "Ruby, honey, there's no hope for any of us. See (handing her the milk), they still print opening instructions on the carton." She laughed her head off. Me? Well, in a two-horse race, I'm looking good for their parent-of-the-year ;)

  6. I know this is my second (third?) blog post today, but I feel like I've had another breakthrough.

    I'm always feeling so discouraged about where I am now with my life. I feel so bad because of my weight. I can hardly stand to look at myself. So people tell me, if you don't like it, change it.

    So I'm trying my best to change it. But it's just not happening. I diet, I give in and binge, I lose hope after the binge and chronically overeat. Diet, binge, chronically overeat.

    But I slapped myself in the forehead today. D'oh! What I've been doing is the same exact thing as when I was too depressed to even make an effort. Cheating on diets, like being fat, is just something I have to accept for what it is right now, and try to change.

    It will do me no good to kid myself that if I try hard enough, I can maintain a caloric deficit. If I can't function without a caloric surplus, I'll let myself have a caloric surplus, but try my best to keep it down.

    "But wait," says my inner critic. "If you keep cheating every ******* day, you'll just keep getting fatter." And that I will -- for awhile. But this is where the magic happens. For, you see -- and this is something I couldn't seem to grasp before -- the longer an uninterrupted effort I make to keep my surplus down, the lower I'll be able to keep it, until it is a deficit.

    Do I know that for a fact? No. I do not. Therein lies the principle of faith. Not in my own inner strength -- of which I am now convinced beyond a shadow of a doubt I have none -- but of my capacity for it. I "am" a strong person. I put that in quotes because I don't mean it presently, but in a timeless sense. I'm weak now, but when I do my best -- however little my best may be -- I get stronger.

    All I have to do is maintain faith that this is the case. From there, I suspect my effort will practically make itself.

    I'm going to bed without dinner tonight and I am feeling totally okay about it. Tomorrow, if not sooner, I'll probably go mad from hunger and cheat again, and that will be okay, too. Because I know, as long as I have faith, that's going to start happening less often. As long as I keep my gaze fixed on the future I'm letting myself believe exists, I'll continue to draw closer to it.

    edit: WHY DID I WRITE THIS DOWN

    I'M AN *****

    NOW IT WILL GO AWAY

    .

    please don't go away

  7. You know that song from the musical 'The Sound of Music'?

    'When the dog bites / When the bee stings / When I'm feeling sad;

    I simply remember my favorite things / And then I don't feel so bad.'

    Well, I wish it were as simple as that, but most of the time it's not.

    For what it's worth, here is one of my favorite things. 

    Before I tell you, let me say that I live in rural Oklahoma, and that means either wheat or cattle.  I won't say oil & natural gas, because that's everywhere.  Harvest time is an annual ritual in our town, and kids grow up knowing the difference between a combine and a plower and a seeder. Flatbed pickups with hay bale tines on the back are a regular site in our area.  FFA (Future Farmers of America) and 4H (Agricultural school group) are prominent in our school system. Listen to 'International Harvester' by Craig Morgan. That's my state in one song.  Oh, and BTW, if you get stuck behind a tractor and go all road rage, know that I'm one of the ones shaking my head & laughing at you. Not sorry. ;-) 

    And, you know what?  That man on the combine gets a lot of respect around here. If you quit cussing a minute you'll see that he generally drives almost in the ditch to give you as much room as possible to pass. And you'll also see us wave or tip our hat as we pass him. That's respect, folks. He's pulling down hard hours - generally waaaaay  before the sun comes up to waaaaay  after the sun goes down. During harvest time it's not unusual to see farmers harvesting at night by spotlight, especially if an unpredictable Oklahoma thunderstorm is predicted. So don't sneer at that 'poor ignorant farmer'. He for sure puts in more hard hours than you do, honey. And Mother Nature isn't really easy to work for, dear.

     

     

     

    Anyway, I got distracted. I was talking about wheat fields. When the wheat is ripe and golden, usually this time of year in May and June, I like to drive the back roads and park on the non-existent side of the road and just listen to the wind blow through the wheat field. You can see the golden field of wheat stretching to the horizon sometimes.  When the wind blows through it, it looks like waves on a deep rolling golden ocean. And the dry rustle the wheat makes as the wind blows through it.... It's hard to capture that in video with my iPhone.  The video link as at the end of the blog, sorry I couldn't get it to work differently.  Before you go to the trouble of downloading it, it's just about 30 seconds of wind in a wheat field. So if you're not into that, you don't have to waste your time downloading. Anyway, on with the story...

     

    IMG_0087.JPG

     

     

    Oh, if you want to know the difference in attitude between rural America and urban America, listen to Blake Shelton's 'Some Beach'. When you watch it, you can feel the difference between the 'laid back' attitude of rural America typified by Blake Shelton, versus the 'keyed up' attitude of urban America typified by the urbanites who 'diss' him. Granted, Blake Shelton is having a generally sh*tty day here, but you can really feel the difference in attitudes. He's constantly getting 'dissed' by keyed up urbanites, and his reaction is all rural -  shake his head in bewilderment at the lack of manners, feel sorry for the poor soul getting so upset over a parking space, and go on about his business.  Embedding has been disabled for this, since it's an official Blake Shelton video, so you'll just have to travel to YouTube for yourself.

    https://youtu.be/JTT2LEyjdC4

    IMG_0083.MOV

  8. Forgive me if this is all over the place. I'm not sure I'll even complete this fully due to my near zero focus.

    I've been getting so frustrated with things lately that I've decided to do a mood diary on Excel for the past few weeks. It's all due to my strong signs that this may be more than anxiety and depression. As therapists, doctors, occupational health clinics, and friends with these issues too have all said themselves, I seem to be high likely to have either ADHD or Bipolar or both. Yet my psychologist won't do a test. So I'm doing this mood diary for now.

    And since yesterday my current mood is 'chaotic'. Sort of like my 'hyper' and 'super-hyper' moods (which are pretty much like bouts of mania), only with chaotic mood there is no high, only very brief neutral moments.

    Basically my mood is constantly flipflopping between okay to a negative one, be it fear or regret or sadness or confusion or guilt or anger or whatever. My speech and thoughts are in turbo whilst everything else feels slow yet once I focus on everything around me I realise the day has gone. Only, I can barely focus like at all. Unless I just envelope myself in stream of consciousness and impulsive actions instead of actually planning what I say or do. And that constantly makes me self conscious of myself and paranoid what ithers think and very apologetic and ashamed. That is, before I go happy again. It is perhaps my most 'bipolar' mood as it is where I am most noticeably shifting emotions so rapidly.

    This mood may not be the worst Ive experienced. No, that would be what I call 'insanity sadness' which broke me back into depression after being stable for near 3 years; where I couldn't move or talk and my own voice in my head kept repeating negative phrases over and over for almost a month before I surrended and went to the doctors. Anyways... it's not the worst but chaotic is still one of the worst, as it can cause me to do impulsive things but instantly regret them and get confused and ugh so on.

    Anyways...

  9. Dheck
    Latest Entry

    So here it is Memorial day weekend, thought I wouldve been back to myself by now, yet I am not. Haven't really slept the past two nights, hoping tonight is not a 3rd night of no sleep. Had a family gathering today, and they are family, but I couldn't help but think I am, or at least I feel like the black sheep. Still unemployed, no wife, no kids, just past accomplishments. I try not to live in the past, but it's hard when your past was your better days. I'm thankful that my anxiety is keeping at a minimum these days, however I can feel the depression trying it's hardest to show it's ugly face and I'm doing my best to keep it down. I'm not feeing the physical symptoms of depression lately, but the thoughts are the ones that are bothering me now, as clearly evident from my statement above. I find it rather amusing that I am willing to type and pour my heart out on this blog to complete strangers. Yet, strangers who all share similar thoughts, feelings, worries, anxieties and other issues as we all understand what each other is going though, better than someone who doest suffer from what we do. Its annoying that some people tend to sugar coat things around me, they worry that if they say the wrong thing that it will make me depressed or have a flashback to something bad or whatnot. I appreciate their caring but I just want to be treated like anyone else, sure its hard for them to know what to say, or how to say something in their mind. Maybe i'm just speaking about myself, but I like to be told how it is, when it is, like it is. None of us asked for these horrible illnesses that we go through, but we have them, it's a part of who we are, I like to think that we are all strong in our own individual way. What triggers our emotional responses when dealing with depression or anxiety may not phase someone who isn't going through the tough times, yet we do our best to tackle the triggering events and keep on pushing through, as we know we will see better days and nights down the road. It's interesting, I was watching the hockey game the other night and someone said to me "Should you be watching this? Wont this make your anxiety flare up?" I just laughed and said no no, not at all but thanks for the concern. Its so strange my anxiety flares up when I'm in the car, stuck in traffic and feel like there is no escape route. With my past career, I've had someone try and stab me, I've had other weapons pointed at me, bullets whizz over my head, people pass away in my arms and in front of me in many different ways and I never got anxiety from that. Yet, something as simple as getting into my car, and driving makes me nervous and anxious, the vehicle is 2.5 years old, and I only have 3500 miles on it. I often sit and find myself thinking, ok, this is irrational to think this way, you can do it, and you can over come this, I talk myself up, get into my car, get in traffic and feel anxiety come on. Luckily, with the help of an SSRI, I don't go into a full blown panic attack. To anyone reading this, you may be thinking, ok this guy seems depressed tonight, I'm not depressed per-se I am just venting and letting the things go, typing them out, to just try and free myself. Anyway, I hope they are able to find a better treatment plan for all of us soon, the big pharmaceutical companies may not care, but there are doctors and others like them that are looking for new ways to treat us..... Lets just hope they find something sooner rather than later so we can all get back to being like we once were. Have a great weekend and as people always say to me, stay happy lol. :rasp:

  10. Galadriel : “Mithrandir, why the halfling?”

    Gandalf responds: “Saruman believes it is only great power that can hold evil in check, but that is not what I have found.

     I found it is the small everyday deeds of ordinary folk that keep the darkness at bay… small acts of kindness and love.

    Why Bilbo Baggins? That’s because I am afraid and it gives me courage.”

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    I don't care whether you smoke. Its really not my business anyways. But please, don't smoke at crosswalks and intersections, and not directly on the sidewalk either. Other people have to breathe in those fumes and I for one don't particularly want mesothelioma. It also smells quite disgusting, like scrambled eggs mixed with smoldering tar. The worst people for this are teenagers, who seem to be on an unending quest to be the most reviled members of society. Makes me ashamed to be seen as one of them. The same goes to those who stand outside the public entrances of buildings and smoke. At the very least stop when you see someone coming. That bit of courtesy would reduce my urge to make a new socket in your skull. 

    On a related note, don't just leave your random cigarette butts strewn haphazardly on the ground. They're ugly and ashen, and they don't magically disappear. Some poor schlep has to pick them up after you cease to care. Need proof? We're not buried under them. So please, just respect your common human. That's all I ask. 

     

    Litany

  11. zdude954
    Latest Entry

    Life is nothing but a bunch of doorways that you have to open and go threw. Sometimes it a few doorways, other times it's a lot of doorways. But once that door has been opened there is no going back you must go threw it. Some of them can be ignored but it does not go away it's still there. Some of those ignored doorways will follow you till you open them.

  12. Its so easy for the "normal" people to forget  and let things go why can't I? Why must I be tortured by my regrets? Why must I long for a woman who cares nothing for me when there was never a chance she would care? Why must god see fit to take my life as well isn't it enough he took any chance of a "normal" life from me? Why must I be aware of what I am? WHY CAN'T I HAVE THE GLORY OF FORGETTING???????????????

  13.  Working out today I actually felt good afterwards. Haven't been able to feel that for awhile. Feel slightly zombified other than that no noticeable Citalopram effects. My new upstairs neighbor has no carpeting and is constantly dropping things/walking around with hard shoes. I've already hit the wall beam a couple of times with my palm when they have been walking around a lot between 1-3am but they stopped doing what they were doing and didn't retaliate so maybe there is hope. Hit 87 degrees today...to be depressed and hot...****ing depressing. I hate hot weather. Got to find a way to accept it and move forward because there is going to be 3+ more months of this and much worse probably. Anxiety and depression are starting to drop alittle. illegal drug use has slightly increased however...am I simply back to self-medicating? Am I nullifying the Citalopram? Oh well back on the couch. I'm doing a lot of diaphramic breathing/visualizing and as to try to turn my paralysis on the couch into a positive.

  14. i dont know whats worse....sitting in silence in the office all day all alone or sitting in silence in the office all day when others are here. 
     
    im used to the silence, but it makes me sad when there are people here and they have no desire to talk to me. I totally understand it, but it still makes me sad. 
     
    its a beautiful 87 degrees outside....i get to stare at it from a window....i definitely need some outdoor therapy. im not meant for indoors.
     
    3 hours to go...
  15. My backstory is that I'm all alone always.

    I was on vacation like a month ago and I went into a restaurant. At the restaurant I exchanged looks with two girls and it really seemed they were into me. They were with two or three guys, so I didn't know whether they were available or not. Anyway, then they got out of their seats and went outside where I could see them. They were on their cellphones, just standing there. But I didn't pick up the hint. I'm ********. And it haunts me to this day. After a couple of minutes they left. As soon as they left, I realised my mistake. I blew my chance.

    The reason why this leaves me traumatized is that I'm always alone, as I mentioned. I haven't had sex in like two years. And there I was, having a real chance with two beautiful girls. And I blew it. The thing is that I prolly will never get a second chance. I mean first of all what are the chances that a girl is interested in me. Like once in one hundred. What are the chances two girls are interested in me. Once in ten thousand. And also the fact that I was on vacation definitely made the difference. There I didn't look like all other people, so that made me slightly more attractive.

    So anyway, I'm back home where no girl has ever shown interest in me despite thousands of interactions in my daily life and also I'm balding. I'm 22. I'm already getting less attractive. And I gotta stress that I'm really not attractive at all as it is.

    I think I can't get over that situation. I keep replaying it in my head. Sometimes I cry.

    I think the only way I can get over it is go on vacation again and try to make something happen. I don't know. Why didn't I just take the hint. I'm ********.

    Edit: And please no-one tell me that they weren't into me, cos I was there and when I think about it in retroperspective, it just seems obvious that they were. That's what makes me so distraught.

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    CountingCrows
    Latest Entry

    Without someone in my life, I find that I have so many things to say and no one to say them to. The cat found a friend. Dumb I know, but hard to hold in.

  16. Zaps

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    GSpolar
    Latest Entry

    Yeah, New Thoughts..........The ones you wrote down intending to act upon 1000 years from now......notebook labeled "Someday"

    Well, Well, Well: Someday never comes

    Dancing in the street to internal music of the soul

    Yeah, those Brain Zaps........They are mine!!!

    And I could trade my highly variable, unpredictable mind.....

    To be normal

    Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!

    F**k normal

    They have no idea just how much I enjoy

    Setting the sun down to my internal music

    Dancing with anyone who dares break free with me

    yeah.jpg

  17. Subliminal
    Latest Entry

    Feeling a little hungry now.

    Tried to get over meds previously 200mg Fluvoxamine and went back down to 75mg and 50mg,

    where the depression got worse

    but my problem is in 'commitment' - i need a med or maybe even to come off of Fluvoxamine which numbs me in the day and I don't have any motivation or personality.

     

    This is my main problem, and other than that... trying to figure whether to stay on Fluvoxamine even though i dont want to, because i feel like i lose myself taking it. However for now i have to stick with it and use it - so I am thinking of what I could use to Augment the fluvoxamine. My brain is "dead" at times from taking Fluvoxamine, i am not present. but when i dont take it i am anxious as hell

     

    However I did notice taking Magnesium at night seems to calm me and help me through the day a bit - but I am still LACKING in that one thing, likely norepinephrine that could be causing some sort of 'Demotivation' or the missing link.

     

    This is my missing point.

     

    But i still have to initiate physical activity, walking, running, swimming etc.

    Running should help in some way, the quick movements but i need to get contact lenses first - which i dont have the money for - so i have to make sure I head out and walk with music in the meantime.

     

    How else can I develop motivation to DO things during the day instead of being piled on by anxiety and not taking action from the depression... and "NUMBNESS" from Fluvoxamine????!!!

     

    I feel so stuck. I want to help me but I can't help me.

  18. I was originally going to put this in a thread, but then I wasn't sure if Marriage counseling was the answer or if I needed to consider depression therapy today.  I think the one main difference is which one is insurance going to cover.  Lol duh.

    But anyway, I'm still unhappy with the one-sidedness of the marriage and wondered if couple's counseling for one spouse makes.sense.  I've heard of.enough people doing ir, but is it REALLY effective with only on of you there?  He hasn't wanted to go and I probably won't bother asking him again, but if I do I wonder how I would prepare mentally for talking about how I feel about being.with him.

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    GSpolar
    Latest Entry

    Professional rogue, or all too welcome scatter-genius everywhere, I welcome no labels, they are all lies today, they are all truthful today, it is me who changes, 2 hemispheres battling, and today's battle they are going for my entrails.  Much safer paths to reasonably loose chains in a reasonably big cage, well worn paths, why don't I just pick one of them?  Those who love me have picked them for me, well paved everywhere!  But who does not secretly hate a soul who doesn't live within the paths?  A checkpoint of my work unfolds every week or two for scrutiny by people who cannot hear 1% of the orchestra, those unwilling to learn how a seed must fall first.  Only a foolish man demands no critics.  To know the life story of anyone who lived and dared is to know that sharpshooting criticism will come from all directions, will invade like hordes seeking blood, wanting to prove anyone of risk a great fool.  Yesterday's track record, '91 bringing them to a riotous emotional sway, '92 my clutch thunder over the frozen ground, '94 new record weaving and sprinting with shredded ligaments holding together nothing '96 gravity and nimble delivery of the most delicate eggs '97 rattling sabres overtaking cataclysmic failure '00 creating the lightning and sending it non-destructively '01 tearing up the cowardice, the first to charge through the breech '03 the war before the war '04 charging into the mortars to save friends '05 started the series of 1 in 1000 shots while nurturing the future love, one after another, taking enormous risks, defending their very lives, means nothing, nothing, nothing, nothing, all of nothing.  There is no memory for successes until the person is lost to the earth.  Only today and one's ability to predict the course and settling point of a blue jay's flight 3 years forward.  Where on earth will she put her nest?  And its my business to know, to tell, to be right.

     
    Scrutiny, scrutiny, scrutiny.  They cannot wait to see a good work develop and unfold over 36 months.  This will be my most complex professional work.  Not my most meaningful work by any means, which is reserved for people only, 1 at a time, the only work that ever matters.  But I must earn my way, earn my way.  And my job is to predict that which has been mathematically, conclusively, demonstrated by all of the finest minds, with all of the time and resources in the world at their disposal, to be absolutely unpredictable.  My streak of wins being an anomaly that the finest minds trumpet 'mean reversion will come to you, Polar!', cheering in unison for me to implode to prove their model correct over time.  They want me to fail.  The eyes tell the truth, wanting to be all in, like me.  But they know the pain reserved for the 'all in', the man of conviction, the odds of seeing the path free through chaos.  I wish them well.  Can they not wish me well?
     
    All the same, so hard to build a good name.  Once built, that I jump between professions thrice and counting, abandoning it all, a foolish move in 2016, where being more than one dimensional is punished severely.  Where starting over and having the unspeakable joy of being a beginner again is the mark of a fool.  They want to categorize us all like a damn pair of shoes.  The second question at any loathsome dinner party, what ****ing category can I place you in my good man?  Excelled and abandoned several professions, and none of them were ever who I am, so **** off.  Do you wish to rank me by my profession?  Fine, rank me the lowest though I run circles around you in the ranks of ugly that you call home.  I'll use the plain speech of a coal miner, and wish I was in their company, rather than you professional deceivers, taxes on humanity, who call themselves professional.  
     
    The mainstream perception has been wrong on almost every matter I have truly studied to its end.  It makes me cynical.  I don't like cynical.  
     
    'All' I have to do, is be entirely right, at predicting a tapestry of anatomy, economics, legislation, and the complex motivations of 4 dozen or so quite brilliant people whom I will never meet, and interwoven interaction of all of the above.  Calculating Newton's madness, and above all intuition.  
     
    I handle enormous 1-time beatings quite well, and dish them out, but I handle slow, dripping water torture quite poorly.  How much I wish I could turn off the interim criticism.  Criticize my mighty oak if you see fit, but yell cuss and spit at the seedling enough and you might knock it over.  Can you see nothing but hardwood floors?  Does a time ever come in man's life where he can just say 'trust me'.  No, no it doesn't.  If I'm right, I earn my ultimate professional goal, the only professional goal I have ever had, to leave the system.  It took guts, judgement, more guts, and more judgement to get this far.  And my odds of being right are, mathematically, far less than 1 in 1 million.  And, in the mean time, I'm tortured by drip, day and through the night, each week for a 12 to 36 month sentence.  And multiple drippers wait in line for me Monday, Tuesday.  Oh how much I wish I could turn off feeling.  And I feel everything.  One drip from dark eyes can feel like a ton.  It weighs heavy on me this week.  
     
    To rip out my damn voice.  To never let it out again.  I'll speak through my sweat, or nothing.
  19. I'm with a guy I know who has a machine the size of a wardrobe and that looks like it's from the 19th century. Later I talk to another guy. He confides that he is fascinated by the possibility of making a glass of water materialize just by using thought. In order to learn and attempt to do that, he says it's pretty expensive because you need certain DVDs, plus a machine like the other guy owns. There are modern versions of it, but the other guy chose a model from the 19th century or modern but vintage looking. I ask the other guy how much it cost him, and he tells me it was 1000$.
    Later, another man joins us. He seems to have some authority in this place, like he is a boss. Us four talk, and the boss mentions a machine that processes 1 teraflop, and I repeat "1 teraflop!" in astonishment.
    We later climb stairs. The boss tells me we are going to the roof, and wonders if there is another word more appropriate. I suggest the word "préau", which he says is wrong in a good humoured way. Then I suggest "toit à ciel ouvert". We reach the roof. We can see the sky. I point out that our view is a bit obstructed by the neighbouring buildings that are taller. The boss tells me we still have a pretty good view. I comment that the sky is absolutely stunning. There are red and white streaks in it I really like. There is a high mountain range far in front a us that completely blocks the view after a certain distance. There seems to be colourful (red etc) precious minerals on the face we can see. From below us, near the feet of the mountains, jumps a humanoid and yellowish creature that seems angry at one of the guys interested by materialization.

  20. Just Junk

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  21. samdiva
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    What if the person you love, the person you are close to, the person you seek support from, the person you want to feel vulnerable around just simply slams the door on your face when you are at your lowest and seeking their love and care?  Not just once, but multiple times within a year... An the pain you are in is caused by them in the first place...

    Do you leave or do you stay? If you leave... will it be running away from "what it takes during a rough patch" or will it be "moving on from abuse"?

    I cannot decide... But the ironic thing is that irrespective of what I decide... The blame would be on me! either for leaving or for being there as something negative in this person's life...  

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    SpiralingMind
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    G  Gentleness: Be gentle with yourself and your expectations.

    R  Relaxation: Do at least one relaxing thing.

    A  Accomplishments: Do something that makes you feel good about your abilities.

    P  Pleasure: Do something that brings you pleasure.

    E  Exercise: Do at least 30 minutes of exercise that gets your heart going.

    S  Social:  Interact with positive people.