Advertisement

Blogs

Featured Entries

  • GSpolar

    Does it matter?

    By GSpolar

    What we do matters.   They are real souls, the 10 people who are watching DF, who are so scared of the stigma, imprisoned at 'home' to such a degree, or hurting so deeply.....10 are watching at any given moment for every 1 who dared to even sign up anonymously. If you read this, you probably have encouraged at least one person anonymously, with nothing to gain, just out of love.   And for every 1, there were really 10, check out 'Activity/All Users' to see for yourself.   How terrible is a disease that 10 are afraid to admit it for every 1 who does.....How valuable is even one note of encouragement, 1 genuine hug.  Multiply your hugs by 10........You're changing outcomes of life, you really are
    • 1 comment
    • 116 views

Our community blogs

  1. Nothing is working for me.

    I see no point continuing on df anymore. I can.t help any of you. I've run out of encouragemnet because I don.t believe in them myself.

    There ISN.T a chance for us all. Some of us are destined never to come to terms with what we have. Fighting THIS makes no sense at all. It IS me. Fighting it is like fighting left handedness (which I am btw). We need to come to terms with it.

    I can.t.. I know this now.

    I dislike myself and I dislike the world. Nothing will change that. I don.t want my life. Full stop.

    And there.s no other out there.

    I.ve never felt at home anywhere despite what I.ve said on being at home on df.. Not really true.

    I.ve never experienced feelings of belonging or sense of home. Neither am I ever going to.

    Don't  know what to do anymore.. No- I do.. but I haven't the guts.

    I.ll be back tail between my legs soon. Don't know what else to do.

     

  2. Tux
    Latest Entry

    A reminder to myself, for when I wake up tomorrow and grab my phone whilst having my morning denial coffee:

     

    I missed individual yesterday.

    I thought the appointment was for Tuesday (today)..... I had arranged a minder and everything.

    I am so confused with dates, days, times, people.

    Fix it.

    You are resorting to way too many target behaviors. You wrote this whilst engaging in target behavior.

    You will read this tomorrow, think back, remember, confront and remind yourself how ashamed you should be.

     

    Also, going off Zoloft by yourself while under a lot of stress... is really really hard :(

     

     

    • 2
      entries
    • 2
      comments
    • 234
      views

    Recent Entries

    carter_burn1
    Latest Entry

    I went to therapy yesterday. No epiphanies there. I made a decision a couple of months ago that I'm not going to bullsh*t my therapist anymore...I had started doing that thing where I say what people want to hear to make them happy. I realized that is completely counterproductive there more than anywhere else, and if I'm going to be honest anywhere, it's gotta be there. So I told her what's been going on...the losing focus, the repeating thoughts, the lack of motivation. I told her she could xerox as many worksheets as she wants, but it's not helping (her immediate response to all of this was "Are you using the worksheet on ruminating thoughts I gave you?") My emotions do what they want, and they don't listen to my input about it. My thoughts are starting to do that, too, just starting to run away with me without me being able to do much about it. Hopefully this is just a rough patch I need to ride out. I just wish I had the motivation to do something positive, like go to work or school or something. But wishing for it hasn't made it appear yet.

    I had a dream last night that I made the decision to leave my ex, even though it happened the opposite way in real life. In the dream, she was asking me to take her back, but I could tell she wasn't serious about it, and I told her I couldn't trust her, packed my bags with her telling me not to the whole time, and got on a train (which pulled right up to our front porch to pick me up, lol). I woke up, and I was a little encouraged that it was a sign from my subconscious that I'm starting to move on. ...but then again, I also had a dream where I k*lled three girls I went to high school with and poorly disposed of their bodies, and I've never hurt or wanted to hurt a woman in my life. So dreams don't mean sh*t lol.

    Pierce the Veil - Song For Isabelle

    Back in the days, when I was young...

    I'm not a kid anymore

    But some days, I sit and wish I was a kid again

  3. "Don't feel disillusioned by where you are now. Your progress is good enough. It's on time.

    Though everything may go unacknowledged... every silent step is movement in the right direction.

    When it feels as though everyone is going forward, and you are being pulled back by your own demons or your past... remember that every moment in this journey will play its part in the greater narrative.

    What a beautiful story to share one day written just by living your life." -Unknown

     

    I really like this little passage. This will help me through the tough moments when I wonder if all the pain is worth it.

     

     

     

     

  4. RiverLight
    Latest Entry

    I am very bitter right now. I have a DF friend -- a male -- that I've been close friends with for months now. We email a lot, confide in each other and support each other. We both have relationships that we're committed to. My boyfriend is not comfortable with this friendship though and made me cut down contact with my friend. He says it's practically an emotional affair, or that if we continued our regular communications and continued confiding in each other, that it would be an emotional affair. So I told my friend we can no longer be in close touch because of this. I am bitter. I work all alone all day long with no one to talk to and go through ups and downs throughout the day. My friend provided a lot of much needed support to me. But my boyfriend doesn't understand this at all. He cannot sympathize with the fact that I have no one to talk to. I don't know if we're going to last -- me and my boyfriend. If my bitterness persists, we won't. I am hoping this is just a temporary state/feeling, but I am angry. I wish my boyfriend was more secure and less threatened by my male friendships. It is really starting to get to me. He is like this with any male I am friends with and feels threatened. I should probably join him in his therapy session again to talk about this, but it cost me $30 for parking the last time in the city. We need couples' counseling, I'm afraid.

  5. I don't like it and I'm confused or I'm confused and don't like it. The last 10 months I have had not one call, e-mail anything from anyone in my family or even my exwifetobe brother in law who is a pastor at a church who married us asking me how are you. It must be hard when you are going through a divorce and having depression while also having a disease, or nerve damage, brain tumor, and they still can't diagnose it although I have all the symptoms of meneire's, oh and that extobewife that passive agressive one it can't have that much of a affect on you after ten years .It never happened no way this could be just pretend it didn't happen to the guy everyone called when they needed help with something heavy or a ride the guy who was always a helper now is of no use because he can't help anymore he is so weak he can't push a lawn mower, we always counted on him helping bail hay.no one has reached outto me even the church I went to the last two years no one you sure are good at asking for voulenteers this of no help this has made my life so much more crazy all these family members I don't ever remember saying no and you can't call me now because your just saying it never happened His goody I just jumped off the good ship lollypop could never do anything to hurt him it never happened.

  6. OK after all those things I posted last week about positive attitude and CBT and people being their own worst enemies, today I am having a bad day. I had a bad weekend which is spilling over into this morning. I did NOT have a relaxing weekend - I rarely do anymore. So naturally that makes Mondays even worse. My boss hits me first thing with seemingly impossible demands and I'm working with this frustrating software that isn't capable of doing the things he asks for sometimes. And I hate it. I hate it, I hate it, I hate it. If I had had a nice weekend maybe I'd be in a better mood. But knowing that weekends just mean work, work, work (house and yard) makes it impossible to look forward to them. If my husband would just stop nagging me and realize that I need "me" time sometimes, maybe I could relax. We've been married twenty fricking years and he doesn't get that yet. I'm tired, I'm crabby, I'm sick of working with this insane software. My therapist told me to invent a business trip and just check into a hotel for a day or two and do nothing but read and binge-watch my favorite shows. But I'd rather do that in my own home. I could go on and on but I won't. Arggh!!!!!!!!!

  7. As we all know, depression doesn’t have much of a sense of humour. Not enough of a one at least.

    Sure, the fall might be and often is the worst thing in the universe but the thousand steps out of it have the gilded edge of comedy written all over them.

    Thank god I laugh at myself.

    Thank god I invite people to laugh at me.

    Thank god for those that are very good at it.

    I tell myself I haven’t come very far.

    The faces of those I love and laugh with tell me a very different story.

    Thank god for each and every one of them.

    Their company is my vision of the afterlife, should I ever get to choose whatever version of that I like ;)

  8. I've started taking depression medicine. Before I was against it because I wanted to get healthy natural way, but that's really not gonna happen, so I'll take the blue pill rather than red pill (referring to the paradox). 

    Also the medicine helps me with my appetite, which is good, cos I'm underweight.

    I'm going to a vacation in five days. I will try to find stuff to do, but prolly it's not gonna go well. At least I'm trying to make something happen. The alternative is to sit home and for sure have the eternal 3/10 depressed mood. On vacation it's like 90% chance it's not gonna go well and I'm gonna have 2/10 mood, but 10% chance that I'm gonna have like 8/10 mood for a while. Something like that. I kinda like the variance in any case, cos at least I'll feel something instead of being numb all the time.

    I have kinda started playing poker again, which has been my job in the past. I've only played like two tourneys per day, which is peanuts compared to what I used to play, but taking it slow is good. Maybe in the future I can start taking it seriously again, maybe even near-future.

    • 2
      entries
    • 0
      comments
    • 80
      views

    Recent Entries

    Due to work, I am unable to reach out to this forum as often as I should. Not to mention, while this doesn't correlate with my lack of 24/7 visitation, my stomach has been hurting due to some bad food that I ate.

  9. Today I went and met my new boss and another new employee. I was pretty nervous and sluggish about the idea at first.. I've been unemployed for about 2 months now and my depression has been haywire. I've recently started lexapro 10mg that I think will work for me. But today on my way to meet them at the office, I remembered an article about how anxiety really benefits us in these type of situation (not too much). I tried to think positive and tell myself "I got this"..and look trying not to calm my nerves too much. 

    In the first 15 minutes I realized I was zoning too much and need to come back to my profession world. Basically needing to remember everything I haven't been doing for 2 months. It did come back and I started to relax a little and try to focus in facts about my work. 

    It went well and possibly starting this Monday, just depends on circumstances at the business because I'm replacing a current worker. I'm very happy this is working out so far and this is a huge relief financially. 

  10. Natasha1
    Latest Entry

    Just got back from vacation. I feel paranoid again. And confused. Maybe i just need to accept these things as being a part of me. How ill do that i dont know. But i guess i have to try.

    While i was out for lunch two days ago a group of people passed by us to leave. One of the people...she was very elderly. She must be in her 90s...late 90s even. I was surprised she can still walk on her own.

    Anyway as soon as i laid eyes on her i had a vision...it was instant...unpleasant...a picture of her in a casket. It was like a flash. I was blinded for a few moments as i saw her. I had to shake it off and concentrate on the conversation. Im sure anyone could see this as god she really is old...but it felt somehow different than a regular thought. Sure makes me cringe as i write this. Ive had thoughts loke this before but this one was stronger and more vivid. Its crazy. Crazy that im so affected by it too. So ill drop it.

    Last night in our hotel room...the fire alarm went off in several rooms...ours was one of them. I was sound asleep without meds which was so nice and i woke up to pitch black and a flashing light and very loud buzzer. Can you imagine being anxiety ridden and have that happen on a rare occasion that you let your guard down and am able to relax somewhat?

     

  11.  

    The receptionist at work thought I was 28.  I told her I was 38 and she was in total disbelief and asked to see my i.d.  I showed her.  "Nuh uh!" she said again.  :smilingteeth:

    • 2
      entries
    • 5
      comments
    • 75
      views

    Recent Entries

    Today was another bad panic day, which of course always leads to a bad depression day. I'm day 5 into my antibiotics and had an allergic reaction to something, but it wasn't the anxiety. Woke up with a puffy lip and my mind automatically went to insta-death. So I called the pharmacy, called my doctor, called my boyfriend who called his dad (who is a doctor that just happened to specialize in some allergy something back in Russia. Score) Dad came over and assessed that I wasn't dying and that most of the puffiness/damage he saw was me peeling at my lip (hello anxiety).

    So of course my panicked call to the bf had him driving 45 minutes home from work to find out that I only had a mild allergic reaction to something or other (food, bug, idk) and that it had nothing to do with the antibiotics and that I, in fact, was in no real danger.

    My psych appointment is tomorrow. I've never been to a psychiatrist, just a GP and a therapist, and I'm terrified to tell her that my reason for being there is wanting to wean off of my clonazepam while admitting that I have irrational panic attacks. I'm afraid that she's going to rec something else, and I'm double afraid to tell her about the depression because then she's gonna wanna put me on an anti-depressant and I don't want to be on anything. I want to work my crap out by like. Going outside and being social and going back to work and eating right and living.

    Maybe my freakout today was some subconscious fear of tomorrow.

  12. Lady Mozzer
    Latest Entry

    Living in this state is hard.I sometimes feel like I`m dead inside.I really don`t feel alive.I am this empty shell that just exists and just takes up space.What kind of person was I before this?Sometimes I can`t even remember what kind of person I was before.I wonder why I was put on this planet.What am I meant to do?I just feel so worthless sometimes.

    I am grateful for the things I do have.I just wish I could enjoy things more.Even things that used to make me happy don`t seem to anymore.I feel like I`m living inside a grey world where colors don`t exist anymore.I feel I have no purpose in this life.I don`t know which is worse feeling extremely sad or feeling nothing at all.I`m so empty inside. I don`t really talk about this...I mean my family knows I`m ill but I don`t talk about my actual feelings.I`m just not good at that.I smile and I pretend that I`m okay.But I`m not okay.I feel horrible inside.I`m finding it more and more difficult to get through life this way.I just wish it was getting better but it seems to be going in the opposite way.I`m tired.

  13. Dheck
    Latest Entry

    So I haven't been on the site in a while, nor have I blogged in a while.... Still dealing with some anxiety, I pulled a muscle in my chest a few days ago and the stabbing pain in my chest made the anxiety go up, stupid thoughts kept racing with am I having cardiac issue, what is going on, etc... yeah, just over thinking as usual with anxiety. I think the worst thing about having anxiety, depression and PTSD, is feeling like a prisoner to my own thoughts. I'm sure a few people out there get what I am trying to say as far as that goes. I've gotten out a few times over the last month or so since my last post. I even drove myself to the store a few times, broke some traffic laws, but it kept me from getting any panic attacks as I didn't feel trapped by traffic or red lights. Well haven't posted in a while and thought I would post something to just let the blogosphere world know that I'm still here, and still kicking... one day at a time... like that movie with Bill Murray... Baby steps... Have a great weekend y'all..

  14. I'm off kilter today. I was feeling sick, but I dragged myself in to work anyway, because I always-always-always feel like crap in the morning anyway.  Usually, if I just keep going, I start to feel better.  Either I get used to feeling like Frankenstein's monster, or I manage to transform into something else. I haven't figured out which yet.  So I went home early.  I disrupted my routine instead of dragging myself through it like a half dead soldier.  I slept half the day away, which I apparently needed.  I worked on my story a little, because I can't seem to focus on reading much of anything.  I know my story sucks, and I know it sucks bad. It's full of all those tropes and crappy things writers are supposed to avoid. But it's mine.  They're my characters, and it's my world - still developing, but it's mine.  I'd rather think about them than anything else. What's wrong with that?  Oh, yeah. I can't make a living at it.  If I stayed home all day, or even half the day, to write, I'd never write. I'd get sucked into the bottomless pit of depression and insecurity. 

    Oh, I finally heard from my online friend.  Trusting people, even online, is difficult for me. Relating to people face to face is a struggle for me. I spend so much time feeling like a stranger in my own skin and trying to relate to people face to face just highlights the feeling. And added to that, when I'm anxious, I struggle with thoughts that tell me people are talking about me, or laughing at me or laughing about me.  Death-Note-L-human-quote-pinterest.jpg

     

    fear-anime-pinterest.jpg

     

  15. over the years ive watch people around me, fall in love, get married, have kids, or some get divorced and find a new love almost instantly, and im sitting over here wondering how is it possible for others to find someone special so easy and for some to even find it a second time (considering the first one last over 20 yrs) 
     
    im on the dating sites, i reach out to people, they only thing im picky about is age (not going to go after someone 10 yrs old than me) and no one responds.
     
    i sit at home everynight and wonder how things would be different if i came home to someone or had kids. i go to bed at night and think to myself how fun it would be if i had a family and we can plan a picnic this upcoming weekend or go to the beach and make sand castles or find a new park to discover.
     
    it pains me to be so alone.
     
    the other day my mom came over and was being nosy and going through my little basket on my counter and picked up my prozac pill container...shook it...and said "you still take these" and i just smiled and said yes, and she said "why, you need to try harder" I just walked away. it irks me. i dont talk about it, i dont bring it up, so please dont slap me in the face with your opinions.
     
    if my mom cant understand it, no one in this world is going to want to be with me and put up with it if they dont understand it. 
     
    i just want a family and a life.
  16. In tennis there is this notion of finding the "sweet spot" of the racket.  If you can perfectly place the ball on the sweet spot of the strings, it allows the racket to do most of the work for you...instead of you having to "muscle" the ball where you want it to go.  If you find the sweet spot, it also give an amazing return energy, back through your arm and shoulder that feels great.  Unfortunately it is not so easy to find the sweet spot, and to do it consistently is what separates those who are just hackers from those who are tennis players.  I picked up a tennis racket for the first time in 12 years.  Tennis was something that was such a part of who I used to be, but was something I gave up when I started a family.  I just hit some serves for about 30 minutes, and when I hit the sweet spot of the racket it gave me such an amazing feeling.  I'm hoping I can find my way out of my depression and back into living a more normal life, where I can experience more of those "sweet spot" moments that have been missing for so long.  I hope the same thing for you dear reader.

    https://www.comsol.com/blogs/the-physics-of-tennis-racket-sweet-spots/

  17. You were not a mistake.  Your body says lay down.  And the world calls you 'guilty'!

    For not sweeping the floors in harmony with them.

    For not holding your breath

    To make your body square

    To fit into their cubicle

    Action, action, action, don't just stand there, do something repetitive and mindless like the rest of us!!

    They told us that a body must move alot to remain in motion, eh?

    as though laws of rigid body physics applied to the disruptive thought potential of the depressive

    But that is a lie

    A still body; open, quiet, and listening, not forcing, just being

    hears things that the frantic masses

    Will never hear standing up.

    My best ideas

    have come

    by laying

    the fu ck down.

    But when they come, fellow depressives,

    write them down

    and take that ball downfield

    As if this is what you were born to do

    Those moments of inspiration, deepest love for humanity, the odd idea that will bend the world into uncomfortable bloom

    That's you.

     

  18. carter_burn1
    Latest Entry

    I'm cutting this trial short - last night was the last night I'll take it. I never got any of the weird side effects in the whole year and a half I took Ambien...I got like every single one of them with Belsomra last night. I remember taking it at around 11:30, like I have been for the last couple of nights. I remember lying on the couch and getting very sluggish, to the point where keeping my eyes open was almost impossible. The rest...well, I've had to sort of piece it together, like I would after a night of drinking way too much to the point of blacking out.

    I woke up at like 10 am. I was on the floor. I was hugging my bedside lamp to my chest, I was on a single couch cushion which I dragged into my room beside my bed for some reason. There were two bowls of melting ice cream on my bed. Throughout the day, I discovered other weird ass stuff I did throughout the night - at some point after I blacked out, or my sleepwalking, or whatever it was, I took the last 20mg Belsomra I had. I'm sure that didn't help all of the weird sh*t I did, but I was definitely sleeping/blacked out before I took it, because I have no memory of doing it. I had sent several people texts at around 3 am, but they were just stuff like "Grrrkaldllhhol...alsuf". A potted plant was taken out of the pan and strewn all over my living room. I swear to god, it was like something out of that sleepwalking scene in the movie Step Brothers. I'm just glad I didn't try to go anywhere outside of my house; at least I don't think I did.

    Long story short, Belsomra's side effects are every bit as real (and wacky) as the ones reported with Ambien. I don't know why it took three nights for them to manifest. But yeah, so I'm pulling the plug on this trial; clearly, I'd have to be insane to keep taking it after last night. I hope this little mini-blog helps someone who's trying to decide about Belsomra. Here are the main things I learned from taking this drug:

    • It makes me extremely groggy within 30 minutes of taking it
    • The sleep I do get while on Belsomra is far deeper and more restful than normal sleep
    • I do fall asleep a little faster on average with Belsomra than I do when taking nothing at all
    • The side effects, when they happen, are frankly sort of scary
    • There is more residual grogginess (harder to wake up all the way) the morning after taking Belsomra, but it fades within a half an hour of waking
    • Belsomra might be better suited for insomniacs who have trouble staying asleep than it is for insomniacs who have trouble falling asleep in the first place
    • If I were to take this drug again (or recommend it), I would strongly suggest a smaller starting dose. It comes in 5, 10, and 20 mgs, and I feel like my doctor jumping right into the max dose was a little irresponsible, especially considering the side effects I had last night

    Thanks for putting up with me, and I hope someone gets some useful information out of this blog! Sleep well, people  =)

    -Carter

  19. Its my birthday. I went out for a drive to the gym. rolled the windows down had the chili peppers on blast . I was good, it was good, I sang I knew all the words. 

    i parked, got my stuff , walked in, walked past the machines towards the lockers and then.. I stopped in my tracks. an abrupt stop that was noticed by the teenagers in the corner.  and there you were . what do I do? what do I do? what do I do? f-ck.! my heart is beating fast, a cold sweat runs over me, what do I do? sh-t. 

    froze, like a deer caught in the headlights. the flash of light was all the memories, the pain, the sound wrenching stab in my heart that sliced my chest open and exposed it all. what did I remember in that flash?

    crying, yelling why did you do this to me?!?! pulling my hair so hard and gripping what I tore off and holding it in my hands and covering my face with my hands, choking. getting on my knees ducking for cover and falling to the side in fetal position, shaking rocking back and forth for hours. getting picked up, not eating, laying in bed 3 days, no water, no food, no showers, no restroom, no work.  numb .

    dying, dead, alive , dead. 

    having  to learn how to eat, how to brush my teeth, how to see myself in the mirror without having to feel shame & blame and dissapointment.

    i sat on one of the benches . I didn't know what to do. years of work, therapy, pills, relationships that led to more hurt, rebuilding what no self esteem I had, finding a direction- to live each day and to keep going .

    what do I do? do I have enough strength to keep walking and pretend like it's nothing. like you didn't actually k-ill me , that I am  still alive? that I made progress, that you don't hurt me anymore?

    the teenagers are staring. 

    i cant. you win. I left.

  20. ParaDoxiPaladin
    Latest Entry

    Haven't been on the site for a fortnight or so I think. I would say I've had stuff going on but really it's just been another example of my virtually non-existent concentration and potential to quickly move from one thing to another. I kept thinking about the site but then got sidetracked by something. I've been trying to get back into writing. Did 6 hours of work yesterday (somehow). But only 15 minutes today and I fear this low may stick for tomorrow and the day after as its one of my best friends' birthday Sunday so we've been celebrating. And today I've had like 5 pints and I feel a bit bleurgh. I only hope I can get back on writing soon and start getting stuff uploaded. Also, I started the first session of my one-to-one therapy course yesterday. It was tough (naturally), having to give an outline on everything but its already giving me a tiny glimmer of hope. Something that has instantly made be panic because no way should I have any semblance of hope, I don't deserve it, nothing can get better, I always have and always will 100% hate myself, yada-yada... Similar to how my mother's offered to pay for me going on holiday with a mate if I care to arrange it but I don't feel like I deserve it at all and only feel guilty about it. There's also the fact that I'm very limited in where I go and who with due to my issues. I was invited on a 'lads' holiday to a popular seaside place. Nope. Can't do it. I'd prefer just myself and one friend at a fairly quiet town really. Anyways, I hope everyone on here is doing as okay as they can be. I need to try to get back into a routine of visiting this site, but at least I've been bit more active, bit more social, and bit more productive lately. I'll avoid jinxing it and overthinking it. Best to just finally achieve a goal I set forth and actually get some writing uploaded and see how this therapy goes. And not push myself over this weekend. I'm worried I'll end up going out into town Saturday and drink too much and feel absolutely awful but I'll try to maintain some control. Anyways...

  21. The ____ who caused it all- severe, dark, eternal, life k-illing, sould wrenching, k-illed my identity, my self esteem, my will to live, starred in my dream. I can't give him a name or a description he k-illed me. I dreamt that I went to my old job- an office and I parked in the back of the converted house to office building. I was afraid my old boss was going to arrive at any minute. That one, in real life he cornered me and made a pass at me at work his wife had brain cancer. during this ordeal. she made it.

    I felt like sh*t that day.. but I needed the job and I had to pretend like it didn't bother me. Well the fear of running into him in my dream for some reason caused me to feel panic. So, I remember taking off in my car and driving to the next block. I parked and entered some building but it ended up being  a best buy/office depot or something and that's where i ran into... ____... i laughed at him bc i saw that he hadn't changed, he was still a pretender , an ahole who lives off govt benefits and operates by cash so that he doesn't have to get garnished for child support- he has several kids he abandoned. well this jerk.. i saw him and laughed.

    and then he looked down on me and all of a sudden i was in a large grave and couldn't get out and i was in disbelief about where i was. in the middle of the store, inside a large dirt hole with him looking over me. who laughed last? He did.

    and I woke up, it was a crappy morning.