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  • GSpolar

    Does it matter?

    By GSpolar

    What we do matters.   They are real souls, the 10 people who are watching DF, who are so scared of the stigma, imprisoned at 'home' to such a degree, or hurting so deeply.....10 are watching at any given moment for every 1 who dared to even sign up anonymously. If you read this, you probably have encouraged at least one person anonymously, with nothing to gain, just out of love.   And for every 1, there were really 10, check out 'Activity/All Users' to see for yourself.   How terrible is a disease that 10 are afraid to admit it for every 1 who does.....How valuable is even one note of encouragement, 1 genuine hug.  Multiply your hugs by 10........You're changing outcomes of life, you really are
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Our community blogs

  1. Tux
    Latest Entry

    I had such a lovely weekend, there was beautiful food, great company, excellent conversations, memorable moments.

    Today wasn't so bad either.

    And all ll I can think now is,

    If I wasn't so ****ing self destructive,  would I be going to bed happy instead of plotting my own death?

    I am feeling more and more numb to reality.

    How do I stop this?

     

     

     

    Also, you know what 2016? **** YOU. Gene Wilder, too? Seriously?

    RIP.

     

    Thank you for the memories.

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  2. Been feeling suicidal for the past week. im grateful that i havent felt this way in some time. but boy its weird that I forgot how tough it was to go thru. 

    I just hid away...easy to do 

  3. I managed to discuss my health and (a tiny piece of) my emotional state with a friend.

    I kind of forgot how we got on that topic, but basically I was able to tell her about my failing health being a problem all through my life. And the big topic: my anxiety/panic attacks.

    I didn't know that she got them too, so that makes me upset. I don't know if hers are as extreme as mine, but she says she hasn't had one in over a year. Moonwhile, I got one last week and a mental breakdown... I don't like hearing that my friends are suffering like that. I don't like it one bit. Especially without my knowledge. It makes me feel like a bad friend. Because friends are always there for each other for emotional support. And in those moments, I wasn't there. It kills me inside. Had I known earlier, I'd've drop everything and helped her. 

    But gosh, was the topic sensitive or what. Emotional exhausting to say the least. I didn't like bringing up past experiences, because I didn't want to relive them, but I wanted to let her know that I was on her level and understood what she was trying to make sense of. I didn't go into full detail however. Good for me. I don't plan on crying over my keyboard any time soon, I just cleaned this thing.

    But I guess it goes to show how little we know about each other. We've known one another for almost three years, but there's still a lot of untouched land we've yet to cover. 

    I hope that someday I can finally bring up the ever so gigantic topic of my mental health. I don't want to keep putting on a happy mask and pretend that everything is fine when it's not. It's high time to let them know. Maybe not today, but some time in the future.

  4. So I've let go of some friendships of past that no longer served me well. This is a song about keeping just those precious ones in your life, or letting go of the toxic ones (in my own interpretation!). I am so very grateful for all the wonderful, amazing friends I have in my life now.

    Say goodbye
    Lose your friends
    Make them go
    Don't need them around

    Cause it's time
    Lose your friends
    Make them go
    Was never supposed to be like this
    By now you took what was to take
    Tear it apart and start again

    So go on
    If this will make you happier
    It got you this far
    Do what you have to

    You've wasted
    Every moment
    Of your Saturdays
    And your Sunday
    You're wasted from the boredom
    Was never supposed to be like this

    Like your father said
    Just do what was done unto you
    Always in your father's steps
    You'll do what was done unto you
    It won't be hard to start again

    So go on
    If this will make you happier
    It got you this far
    Do what you have to

    And you're gone now
    ( You've know this would come and you've left me alone )
    And did it make you happier?
    ( You're lost and your gone. Don't take it so seriously )
    Was it that hard?
    ( Go on and get going. I'm fine on my own )
    Did what you had to
    ( It got you this far. Finally got it figured out )

    One more inch
    You son of a biotch
    Been a waste of my time
    Always
    Now you're half awake
    You bend till you break
    And make the same mistakes
    Always

    So go on if this will make you happier
    It got you this far
    Do what you have to

    And you're gone now
    ( You've know this would come and you've left me alone )
    And did it make you happier?
    ( You're lost and your gone. Don't take it so seriously )
    Was it that hard?
    ( Go on and get going. I'm fine on my own )
    Did what you had to
    ( It got you this far. Finally got it figured out )

    ~ Guster
    https://youtu.be/jPJYc0fTldM

  5. Natasha1
    Latest Entry

    Im watching one of my favourite movies. Ive loved it since i was 14. And its taking me back. 

    Ive always told people that i would never ever go back in time. To go through all of that pain again is unthinkable.

    So much wasted time when i was younger.

    So many wrong decisions. 

    So many people to be hurt by.

    So many things that have made me a bad person. Or i guess the right way to say it is i was always a bad person and actions ive taken are the results of that. 

    Either way...im getting older.

  6. I.m moving, but going nowhere.

    I do stuff I THINK I like. But the truth is I don't really feel anything.

    Other than selfhatred and guilt.

    And the emptiness and pointlessness of even trying.

    People on df say to me how good I am, how compassionate..etc.

    And I thank you all for all the kind words.

    But it doesn't help me at all.

    It doesn't make me feel better. It doesn't give me meaning. It doesn't help me out of the bottomless bog I'm sinking in.

    Being who" I am " is the reason I.m so e f.efd up in the first place.

    Not having any vision. No dreams. No talents. No zest or passion for anything. I've never truly felt any of that.

    I'm dead within.

    Nothing but void and futility that is (the empty) me.

    All black. No direction to take. No difference where I go.

    I'm never getting out of this.

    Only death will give me the release I need.

     

  7. BettrResultsHereIHope
    Latest Entry

    has decided to visit me in my time of loneliness and sadness.  Earlier I was trying to catch it and release it outside.  I had no container to place on top of it and hope it would climb onto the inside, so i could then place a lid.  I can't shoo it outside because it's not near an exit and it would just run all over the place.  I have no food to entice it with to catch it.  I guess i'll just hope it finds its way out.  (and perhaps try later to catch and release.)  In the meantime, i'll count this blessing and just lie beside it on the carpet and enjoy its company.

    image.jpeg

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    Anony
    Latest Entry

    Twelve weeks ago I tried, and failed

    I still have at least 10-11+ weeks left on weekly dispensing. 10-11 weekly reminders of how much I ****ed up, and that I have 'at risk of overdose' attached to every script. Every step of the way since I 'made it' has made me question whether it was worth it. Sometimes I feel like they are trying to make living harder, not 'saving me' from myself. Others I think about how I could have done it better, and not used a combo that made me 'high'.. because without the benzo alcohol combo I wouldn't be here.

  8. Well, I have not posted in a long time. Not because I'm better but because I've been overworked ... at work. The pros and cons


    pros: i think for work therefore i dont think about myself and my loneliness and sadness; i get home tired and i have slept in good 4-6 hour blocks; i've learned a lot about handling things and learned that i'm only human and i need to have some sense of humility bc I dont know everything.

    cons: i haven't had a lot of time to work on myself emotionally; bc i meet a lot of people through work it is only solidified that I am alone, im 34, and that it is increasingly difficult to even find friends, much less friend who get me.

    Things have 'normalized' at work. My co-worker is back from a 2-month leave and I can have a sense of normalcy. But, I fear having more time bc now the maladaptive thoughts are back and the sleepless nights are back.

    I have woken up anxious like I used to every day this week. 45 minutes of leg shaking, waking up at 5:00 to 5:40 and going to sleep literally 20 minutes before I have to wake up for work. My bad dreams have also started. they're so odd, the first one was about the girl who had my job before me (she is in her 20s) announcing she was pregnant and me feeling crappy (i have no kids, not dating), my ex moving out of his apartment and moving in with his friend's wife (friend passed in January and he left me for her). i drove by his neighborhood for a work meeting today and my stomach turned to knots when i drove down the street that took me to his apartment. i almost bailed on the work meeting.

    it's all coming back. i feel like anxiety and loneliness let me out of my cage and now that i suddenly have time back on my hands they've put the steel collar around my neck and forced me back in.

    I'm bracing myself. 

     

    The quote below reads: The only good thing I have is that I am starting to get used to suffering ~Frida Kahlo.

    1468446989283.jpg

  9. I was in the DF Water Cooler forum and answering the question "What really bugs you?" and I wrote this long paragraph and then realized it was supposed to be non-depression related.  So I'm posting it here instead.  

    It bugs me that my husband who insisted I "get better" (I was an agoraphobic) or he wouldn't marry me, has OCD and won't admit it or try to change. I "got better" and now I have to put up with his issues. He has a problem with going to sleep at night so he puts it off until 6 or 7 a.m. We haven't actually gone to bed at the same time in years. I miss the nighttime. I miss the quietness of a house in the middle of the night. I don't have that. At 3 a.m. all the lights are on and the TV is going. He doesn't get up until afternoons and that means we don't go out to breakfast on the weekends (which I would love) and that we don't get up early enough to go to flea markets or farmer's markets and things that we used to enjoy like that. And then when he does get up it takes him about two hours to start his day, because of all the things he has to do. He can't make phone calls or be there for the cable guy or anything like that until around 4 p.m. and by then it's usually too late. So I have to handle everything, which sometimes means taking off work, because he is so rigid and inflexible. Naturally, all this means he doesn't hold a job outside the house. He "works from home" - or he used to. He's also a borderline hoarder who once freaked out early in our marriage because I cleaned a closet. His stuff is everywhere but I'm not allowed to touch it or organize it. We had to buy a bigger house than we could really afford because we had to have enough room for all his stuff. I never invite people over because I'm embarrassed. I so envy people with "normal" marriages whose husband is a provider (doesn't have to be the sole provider, just want to take responsibility and care for his family) and they go to bed together at night and talk or watch TV or whatever, and whose house is dark, quiet, and peaceful at 3 a.m. And uncluttered.

    Gee, no wonder I'm depressed.  Aren't you glad you asked what bugs me?????

  10. Now I'm thinking that nap was a bad idea...2 am and wide awake. But part of it is mulling a new idea for a story I might want to write. I haven't written any fiction in weeks, which is way out of character for me. I tried to write something on Monday, but it was so dark and depressing I had to scrap it. My work always imitates how I'm feeling...usually its a good thing. If I'm writing something short, it has a distinct flavor to it. My optimistic pieces are happy, my horror pieces are shocking, etc. But when I want to write something long, the feel of the narration jumps around too much. The story starts to feel like more than one person wrote it.

    I'm also mad at my hair. I can't decide if I want it long or short, so it's in that really terrible in-between stage. Looks like I'm just too poor and lazy to get a haircut, but it's really just because I can't decide what I want to do with it.

    I'm going to have the house to myself tomorrow, and I've been thinking about drinking. So maybe I am an alcoholic after all. I really want to do a powerful hallucinogen/disassociative, but my buddy I normally get that stuff from is on a hunt in the woods all weekend. Sometimes, when I'm stuck in a rut, a good dose of peyote or mescaline can derail the negative thought train and start letting me see the world in a different, less boring way. But its just wishful thinking, because my connection is unavailable. I'm not talking about breaking the law, either...I get it and use it on a Native American reservation, where its legal for religious/spiritual purposes.

    I'll probably do the right thing and not get wrecked tomorrow. Wouldn't be a good idea in my emotional state. Some sober solitude will probably do me some good.

  11. I saw the movie Nim's Island the other day. It's about Nim, a young girl living on an island when suddenly everything goes wrong when her father goes off to study plankton and doesn't come back, leaving her alone. She has to become a modern Robinson Crusoe, forage for food, etc. It's a family movie, intended for children and their parents. I'm not a child or a parent but it struck a chord in me. It reminded me of my own struggle as a child, having to become an emotional Robinson Crusoe within a family of cold and distant parents and sibling. I still am today to a large extent an emotional Robinson Crusoe. Excessively autonomous. Unable and unwilling to attach myself to others. I never cried after a breakup. I always keep an emotional distance with people, even the ones I had relationships with. I'm afraid of loving wholeheartedly, because I wasn't loved this way by my parents. I was taught that love is distant. And because my own love for them was always met with coldness. All my attempts to bridge the gap were unsuccessful. So I concluded it was a huge waste of energy and a source of distress to try to invest myself emotionally in others. It made be consider love as risky. Only now I'm starting to understand that it's ok to love without guarantees, that it's ok to love wholeheartedly without being certain things will last or work out in the future. If things don't work out, contrarily to when I was a child, I can move on. When I was a child, I was stuck with my parents, so it was justified to build walls to attenuate the daily disappointments that went on for years. Now I'm autonomous, I can choose who to have relationships with. Yes, it's going to hurt if I love someone and things don't work out as wanted, if the person leaves suddenly, etc. But as an adult I have the ability to turn the page, build a raft and leave the island.

  12. And it felt horrible, having no one to hug but my plushie. It only lasted for about 2-3 minutes and I thought that I would cry much longer, but I guess that wasn't the case. I can imagine hugging a guy with similar interests, but I'm afraid I'll never find who I want in college. I can imagine his personality and appearance being similar to mine: long hair, blue eyes (I have brown), pale skin, etc. I say that a lot because I create archetypes in my head. Only three days are left before I head to college. I don't know if I can handle it. I have no friends and I feel so scared. I don't want to be lonely anymore. How can I make it stop? I hate my neighborhood and I hate living in the suburbs. I want to move back to the city, so I can go to college and have a job as a writer. Is that good or not?

  13. ArnoldJRimmer
    Latest Entry

    write till your heart bleeds.  spell the words out in blood and tears.  none will hear, none will react, none will care.

  14. Gisele
    Latest Entry

    If there were a God or, as I'd much prefer, a whole pantheon of them every bit as capricious as us mere mortals ... or a genie in a one-wish only kinda downturn ... or a Santa that was bent enough freelance here and there ...even for a bit of sexual favour that I could quite possibly live with for the greater good...

    I would only want one thing. 

    I could live with the rest. And I do live with the rest. 

    The thing that I want to see me like other people see me. I mean the people who love me. Who truly love me. 

    That's all that's left to want that couldn't otherwise be left to fate, like the health and well-being of those that I love and care for.

    Anyone else can please themselves. 

    Time for a sabbatical while I work that out. 

    Beginning immediately. 

     

     

     

  15. GSpolar
    Latest Entry

    Nature has one flaw

    Choosing always the path of least resistance

    What makes us human

    And distinct within nature

    Is that life is found

    In the path of greatest resistance

    That being to love human beings

    Despite the certainty

    That everyone's life, once you get to know them, is messy, ugly, and complicated, just like mine.

    That people are certain to burn you, hurt you, abandon you, and worse, and better, and worse.    

    But loving them anyway

    And expecting nothing back (which is hard, takes alot of practice)

    Is life-giving, invigorating, satisfying in a way

    that no well-beaten path will ever know.

    If I fight through my own pain

    To love someone today

    Just because.

    My reward is

    Looking in the mirror at the end of the day

    And saying "yeah, that's the real me"

    And I'm not ashamed today.

    The cuts and bruises of human thorns short steps behind me

    Release me

  16. Though if what I thought to understand to be reality is suddenly shattering, it's because of the stress I'm currently going through.  At this point, a divorce would be better than trying to fix the relationship.  My husband has come around saying that he thinks I need help & that I'm getting fat ... but haven't I been saying these kind of things for at least a year?  Back then it wasn't good enough for me because it was too expensive.. NOW I need help?

    Then he gets mad because I didn't acknowledge that now he's trying to help me and that he can't one-side work on the relationship.

    I've been working on us for years by myself.  I gave up.  Now he wants to work on it.  I told him it was a little too late. How can I acknowledge him for wanting to help me when he's done little to acknowledge what I've told him...EVER?

    I don't think I'm in the wrong.

    To make matters worse, he says to me that I say things that were never said to me, or that I say things that I conveniently forget I said later.  I don't have selective speech. :\  I'm PRETTY sure I've heard you threaten to call me a Biotch and a *****.  I'm PRETTY sure you've told me I wasn't special.  Angry or not, I won't forget that you've said those things even though you've since forgotten.

    I'm pretty sure I'm not the only one who needs help..but why give a about it now?  This relationship is toxic.  Even if I try to fix it on my end, I feel that he won't trust me again.   I've never felt as horrible as I've felt ever in my life.  I WANT to fix it.. but I'm too tired now.  I just want out.

  17. So tomorrow I am going to turn in my application to a company I would not mind working for. The job I want to do is welding. But I not only do I have to turn in my app but I will also have to weld for them. I have welded before so it's not like I have never done it. But I am so scared that if I don't do good enough, that means I have to go back to a job I don't like and is not doing me any good. I can not keep working where I am at, the place is poorly managed and they do not treat you with the respect you deserve to have. I really need to get this job, if nothing else to just be  making more money. I need a new vehicle or at the very least a new to me vehicle. So if anyone reads this between now and the time I have to go in tomorrow, any advice will be much appreciated. Thank you

  18. qwerty21
    Latest Entry

    Not much hope in sight. Nice to visit my granma though. I'm going to a vacation again. I gotta try to change my situation, and going some place else is the only way to have a chance of change.

    I'm playing poker every now and then. It's nice to play cos I get some enjoyment from it, a tiny bit. When I'm playing I forget the state that my life is in, which is nice.

  19. I haven't posted in a little bit but wanted to give an update...

    I feel people tend to stop posting on these sites/forums when things start looking up.. I believe that's because they don't necessarily need this outlet at that point. However, I need to make sure I get out there the positives that still can and will happen to us. 

    My boyfriend and I have lived with others for the past 5 years and 4 of them together. We've gone through living with my alcoholic father who would become very ignorantly and abusive in language for about 2 1/2 years then to my mom's which wasn't too bad but felt we had no privacy..to his grandma's house which was what the last straw that broke the camels back....she was very two faced gossip and I hate to saw such a thing about someone..but we've walked upstairs from the basement and heard her talking down about us after just talking to us about her day or what not...trufully I think she's just lonely.. the main issue was his sister dropping her 2 kids off for days at a time and they would run rampage through the house and started at 63o to 7... they just had no discipline from anybody.. great kids and would listen when you would be stern...but after 6 months we needed an out...that's when we both were struggling with jobs.. I was unemployed and he was working odd long hours .... and when you add someone with depression and anxiety it's even worse... I just felt like I couldn't get a job....

    Things looked up though..after being quitting instantly due to a bad episode I went another 2 months waiting for a job (she was gathering info to fire an employee) but taking way too long.. finally came through and I effed up..lost it...then next day ended up getting an interview because I talked to an old manager I was close with... started this new job and I absolutely love it. Even on my late rough nights and very fatigued days.. I just absolutely love pretty much everyone I work with. It's a fun yet serious environment. I've been given several compliments on my work and I just try to stay very focus on what I'm doing and it makes it so much easier when you work with people that are easy to get along with and are just nice..

    My boyfriend and I just moved an 1h 30 north and the atmosphere and environment is so nice..rural yet small little towns in between... I love it...things look up...you must keep looking for reasons to get up and goals to get to where you need..it's a rough ride and I've been blessed with a man that's stayed by my side through it all.... I can honestly say it has NOT been peachy the entire time.. it's been rough and sucked and things became very rocky at several times... but you must persevere. We've finally reached our goal of having a place to call our OWN home. We both are working jobs we enjoy and love doing. 

    POINT IS!! You have to keep searching for what you want to find. A new job. New home. A relationship. Feeling better. Feeling determined. You must get creative... something I plan on doing here is putting quotes around the house..in paintings, picutes, stickers...laugh.love loud...when my depression rises again..which unfortunately I feel it might..I'm going to be ready...premeditate your success to beat this! Let's do it together ♡

  20. evalynn
    Latest Entry

    I hate my life.

    Maybe I'm just not grateful enough. Unlike others in the world, I'm not homeless. I'm not living in a war-torn country. I'm not a victim of abuse or addiction. I have food and clean water and even TV, internet access, a car and a cell phone. I have a husband and a cute puppy and parents and sisters. 

    And yet I still hate my life.

    Nothing about it is satisfying to me. I can be "content" when things are particularly going my way--but it's like a fleeting contentment over things that really don't matter. Or it's relief that something terrible was avoided...but once that terror has been forgotten, I'm back to being nonchalant over everything I have.

    Sometimes I convince myself that once I reach a certain milestone, I'll achieve happiness. When I was little, I thought I'd be happy by the time I was an adult and "making my own decisions". I'm an adult now--in my 30s--and now I'm hoping by middle age I'll somehow stop caring about what other people think or what I don't have. Ha

    What problems were solved by my recent marriage were replaced with a  whole new set. At least I'm smart enough (now!) to realize that I should never have children. Doesn't keep me from feeling a tugging in my proverbial womb everytime I'm around a beautiful baby. Fortunately, that's been overshadowed by the litany of reasons I've committed to memory about why my husband and I have no business having one. The result is that I'm simply bitter about the whole thing.

    I honestly wish I could run away from my life. As if such a thing is possible. I have no way to even attempt that, except in my dreams. And if I'm going to dream for that, I might as well wish for a time machine to start over from the beginning but with whatever wisdom I've gathered thus far. Bar that actually happening... I don't even know. I just feel trapped in this negative spiral.

     

     

  21. THANK YOU ALL FOR YOU KINDNESS LOVE AND SUPPORT BUT ITS TIME TO RAMBLE ON.

                                     GOOD LUCK LOVE SCOTT

  22. Been a while.

    So since the last time I've hung around these parts, I decided to wean off of my 1mg of Clonazepam that I've been taking for anxiety for over 10 years. I figured that I was done with the med part of treating my GI issue and since the Klono is really hard on my stomach, it's time to get off of that too. To be honest, 1mg wasn't doing crap after 10 years besides helping me sleep so it was about that time.

    Did it the responsible way. Got a  gooood psychiatrist to help me out, am in therapy, have a strong support system, even got a nutritionist so I can feel better as a whole since I've been eating like crap over the last few months.

    I'm 2 weeks into my first reduction and I am absolutely flipping out. Withdrawal is real. Withdrawal is more real than doctors realize, I think. I'm only going down .125 mg every 2 or so weeks. Due for my next reduction tomorrow night. This first one has been a little rough. Nothing unbearable. Almost went to the ER because I mistook 2 days of acute withdrawal for dehydration (headache, weakness, general malaise). Luckily I ended up not going and realized that night that it had all been withdrawal side effects. Wow.

    I have so much anxiety about my next cut. Yes, it's only another .125 and I survived this round, but it's a bigger % of .875 than 1mg and I'm wondering if this is going to screw me. Horror stories on the internet aren't helping. I would **** to read a few stories from the majority—the ones who weaned off of a benzo with little problem.

    It is what it is, I guess. I can't turn back. I'm not intending on turning back. But I'm really worried about this disrupting my life. Already missed 2 days of work over it. One of my best friends is coming down to visit for a week next month. I want to be able to do stuff with her and not just have her sit with me through withdrawal.

    Ugh

  23. JasonDark
    Latest Entry

        So I am progressing. By taking baby steps in everything I've at times have found myself in a rhythm. My apartment is close to allowing people to enter it other than myself. I started cleaning for 1 minute and then added 1 minute every time I cleaned. At some point I added 3 minutes each time. I am now up to 80 minutes. Still have a long way to go. I clean about 1-3x/week. A lot of sorting, organizing, dusting, scrubbling, and fixing. Once I feel its clean enough I will start putting in requests to the super/management to start fixing stuff. Been neglectful of upkeep so we'll see what kind of problems the management gives me. I live in a rent stabilized apartment in NYC and the owners/management tend to be reptiles.

       Another area I started focusing on was my body composition and physical appearance. I had been too depressed to work-out. So I just decided to quit holding onto my old training style and the pressure of  progressing with it and just start over with short small basic compound movements with weights or bands. I am now in a rhythm with this and am close to tipping my physique. Doing a lot of small mobility/flexibility/pre-hab mvts as well. Started adding vegetables (I buy frozen or else they'll go bad) and fruits to my eating plan which has as a side effect reduced the amount of crap I eat.

      I am self-medicating with 1 cup of coffee/day and about a 1/4oz of bud/month. Both with caffeine and illegal drug I have to take breaks for a few days here and there or else the law of diminishing returns comes into affect. I smoke the bud out of a corn cob pipe with a screen it and only take single hits here and there. Lucky for me NYC has decriminalized it to the point where you can only get arrested if you are smoking in public. So I smoke in my apartment. This is good because I went to war with my upstairs neighbor, which was brutal, uncivilized, and violent at times, and the police have knocked on my door about 8 times over the past 3 years, most of which were false police reports. The people upstairs eventually moved to another apartment so the war is over although I was painted as being a white racist bully to the Latin contingent that lives in this building, so drama could flare up again but for now things are stable. I'm actually socially quite liberal and have no racist feelings whatsoever but I do believe in fighting back. My former neighbor's bad mouth me because they lost the war. I'm ok with that.

      I hit the dive bar about 2x/month. I sit in the back by myself and play some songs on the jukebox. I think about things, cry, try to get my demons out, and then take a car service or walk (about an 80 min walk) and am ready to get re-focused.

      I am a  personal trainer and at its peak my biz had 17 clients. After my depression and spiral down I shockingly still had 3 clients. I cancelled many times and took many leave of absences over the past few years so I have been grateful for these clients sticking with me. My last 2 months I have been on point with training these few clients and am starting to get referrals again. Personal training is great like that in if you get results on a client they stick with you and promote you. Still kind of want to do something else but its going to take a while to get moving in those other directions (I've already started...baby steps) but am confident once I get my "offense" up to 40 hours/week i'll have success/earn $ to live good. Instead of focusing on the specific goal I am now focusing on the behaviors which will lead me to said goal. I can to some degree control my behavior I can't necessarily control how much $ I will earn etc...so that's where that comes from. Bill Parcells used to say you can never really have a goal of winning, just put yourself in a position to win. You still might lose because the world is dynamic, but by putting yourself in a postion to succeed your odds are increased greatly...to use a football metaphor.

      I do a lot of journaling, meditating, collaging , and am a big fan of making graphic maps/organizers with my collages to use my creativity on my goals and get organized. For now I feel I am out of my depression although I'm still going to therapy every 2 weeks. My therapist is not the greatest, but its a safe place to check into to make sure I'm ok and rant and rave. I usually feel better after to going so to me that's an indication that its working. Also I am an amateur wordsmith and am constantly challenging my negative thoughts and metaphors I use as to how I view my life.

      One of things I am looking forward to do is dating again. Wanted to make sure i at least had some momentum going my way before i started doing this, probably would never do it the way i felt about myself and the way my apartment was. There are some very attractive women who live in my building and cross paths with a lot of attractive women so yea, that's a big motovator right there.