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Feeling a little hungry now.
Tried to get over meds previously 200mg Fluvoxamine and went back down to 75mg and 50mg,
where the depression got worse
but my problem is in 'commitment' - i need a med or maybe even to come off of Fluvoxamine which numbs me in the day and I don't have any motivation or personality.
This is my main problem, and other than that... trying to figure whether to stay on Fluvoxamine even though i dont want to, because i feel like i lose myself taking it. However for now i have to stick with it and use it - so I am thinking of what I could use to Augment the fluvoxamine. My brain is "dead" at times from taking Fluvoxamine, i am not present. but when i dont take it i am anxious as hell
However I did notice taking Magnesium at night seems to calm me and help me through the day a bit - but I am still LACKING in that one thing, likely norepinephrine that could be causing some sort of 'Demotivation' or the missing link.
This is my missing point.
But i still have to initiate physical activity, walking, running, swimming etc.
Running should help in some way, the quick movements but i need to get contact lenses first - which i dont have the money for - so i have to make sure I head out and walk with music in the meantime.
How else can I develop motivation to DO things during the day instead of being piled on by anxiety and not taking action from the depression... and "NUMBNESS" from Fluvoxamine????!!!
I feel so stuck. I want to help me but I can't help me.
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I was reading thru my blog last night...going back 3-4 years. man did i sound pathetic. it was heartbreaking. i was reliving incidents in my head. the problems with work...the play by play of losing my friends. my crying sounded so pathetic. my heart hurt, i could feel it with each word.
the hardest part...was realizing that things have not changed...its just quieter now. ive accepted things, but im still quietly hurting.
Are lives are droplets of water in the ocean of life, some droplets cast big ever growing ripples, effecting the other droplets around them. While some droplets leave small ripples that fade quickly, effecting only a few other droplets around them. When many of them get together behind an idea or feeling they can cause much destruction and untold damage to others, but sometimes when they get together behind the idea of good, then they can bring healing and nourishment to others. But if we remove one droplet from that ocean it does not change the level of the ocean, it has very little effect on the other droplets they move on and continue on.
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I keep making mistakes. A lot of them are involved in my social life. I'm alone. I'm frustrated. I hope I don't screw up so badly that my situation gets really bad. Emotionally I'm already a wreck. If something happens to me physically, I'll prolly **** myself.
I don't wanna say what kind of mistakes I might make/am making, but I just fear that something's gonna happen to me.
It's easy to say that I should avoid making those mistakes by taking no risks, but then I would just live my boring life deeply depressed, like I often am.
Maybe I've seen more sunsets than I'm about to see. At least it comforts me a little bit that if things get really bad, I likely can take my own life.
I'm sorry that this post was so negative and mysterious, but I just wanted to write this. In May I will probably write another post to tell my thoughts then, cos I'll be in a different place at least physically, maybe even emotionally.
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I was originally going to put this in a thread, but then I wasn't sure if Marriage counseling was the answer or if I needed to consider depression therapy today. I think the one main difference is which one is insurance going to cover. Lol duh.
But anyway, I'm still unhappy with the one-sidedness of the marriage and wondered if couple's counseling for one spouse makes.sense. I've heard of.enough people doing ir, but is it REALLY effective with only on of you there? He hasn't wanted to go and I probably won't bother asking him again, but if I do I wonder how I would prepare mentally for talking about how I feel about being.with him.
Sniffing out less laundry
Two left toe socks that fit
Drew it by miracle
Leaving room for toes to grow
Leaving room for souls to grow
Take me to Guantanamera
Love me if you knew me
Destroy me because you could
This hurts too much
For me to try again
Zap the sonofaBiotch again
He was born for the track
Not for the cuddle hammock
Born for the rack
For her levered stretch
Born to be hanged
And so the bullets bend
Stretch him, Pull him, Tear out his guts coldly.
Zap that sonofaBiotch again
It doesn’t hurt anymore
Erase every trace
Starve him, starve him, starve him
And criticize his fondness of crumbs
Zap the sonofaBiotch again
Run in the lightning
I sing to raindrops
And they sing to me
“By your side, Polar, By your side”
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Someone [you know who you are!] got me started on playlists. So here’s a playlist that tells about who I am. Some of these songs are unapologetically Christian, and worshipful to boot, so I guess you’ll just have to skip them if God isn’t your scene. I’d still recommend exploring your spirituality, because it can really help you through depression.
I tried to create the playlists based on listening themes. I’m thinking of putting up more than one blog post of this, so either get comfortable, or resign yourself to skipping my blog for a while. Music has helped me survive depression. In fact, I could probably say that any progress I’ve made with depression has been equal parts music, introspection, and spiritual beliefs.
I think it’s good to have one or two songs at least that remind you of who you are and what you keep fighting for. I know U2 is my go to group when I feel lost, confused, and at sea, especially their Joshua Tree album. ‘Running to Stand Still’ makes me bawl. Every. single. time.
The songs in each list will be put in order alphabetically, because there’s really no way for me to say which one is more important than another. They are all equally important in their own way. I'm including a YouTube list with all these songs on it at the end of this blog, but I've haven't double checked the YouTube list, so I hope the songs are decent versions, at least.
Who I Am:
Above All – Michael W. Smith
Agnus Dei – Michael W. Smith
All This Time – Sting
Amazing – Aerosmith
Born in Winter – Gojira
Bullet in the Head – Rage Against the Machine
Castle of Glass – Linkin Park
Don’t Let me Get Me - Pink
Dust In the Wind – Kansas
Eagles Fly – Sammy Hagar
Every Rose Has its Thorn – Poison
The Fall - Gojira
The Frayed Ends of Sanity - Metallica
Give to Live – Sammy Hagar
Have a Drink on Me – AC/DC
Hero of the Day – Metallica
Hole Hearted - Extreme
Horse With No Name - America
I Can’t Tell You Why – The Eagles
If I Ever Lose My Faith in You – Sting
******* in the Name – Rage Against the Machine
Learn to Be Still – Eagles
Learning to Fly – Tom Petty
Livin’ on the Edge - Aerosmith
More Than Words – Extreme
New York Minute – Eagles
Not of This World – Petra
Papercut – Linkin Park
Peace of Mind – Boston
Pull Me Under – Dream Theater
Resistance – Wolfheart
Roads Untraveled – Linkin Park
Running Love – Apocalyptica
Running to Stand Still – U2
Ship of Fools – Robert Plant
Skin to Bone – Linkin Park
Subdivisions – Rush
Thankful Heart – Petra
Time Stand Still – Rush
Township Rebellion – Rage Against the Machine
Veri – Wolfheart
What a Fool Believes – Doobie Brothers
Where’s Your Head At – Basement Jaxx
Winds of Change – Scorpions
Professional rogue, or all too welcome scatter-genius everywhere, I welcome no labels, they are all lies today, they are all truthful today, it is me who changes, 2 hemispheres battling, and today's battle they are going for my entrails. Much safer paths to reasonably loose chains in a reasonably big cage, well worn paths, why don't I just pick one of them? Those who love me have picked them for me, well paved everywhere! But who does not secretly hate a soul who doesn't live within the paths? A checkpoint of my work unfolds every week or two for scrutiny by people who cannot hear 1% of the orchestra, those unwilling to learn how a seed must fall first. Only a foolish man demands no critics. To know the life story of anyone who lived and dared is to know that sharpshooting criticism will come from all directions, will invade like hordes seeking blood, wanting to prove anyone of risk a great fool. Yesterday's track record, '91 bringing them to a riotous emotional sway, '92 my clutch thunder over the frozen ground, '94 new record weaving and sprinting with shredded ligaments holding together nothing '96 gravity and nimble delivery of the most delicate eggs '97 rattling sabres overtaking cataclysmic failure '00 creating the lightning and sending it non-destructively '01 tearing up the cowardice, the first to charge through the breech '03 the war before the war '04 charging into the mortars to save friends '05 started the series of 1 in 1000 shots while nurturing the future love, one after another, taking enormous risks, defending their very lives, means nothing, nothing, nothing, nothing, all of nothing. There is no memory for successes until the person is lost to the earth. Only today and one's ability to predict the course and settling point of a blue jay's flight 3 years forward. Where on earth will she put her nest? And its my business to know, to tell, to be right.Scrutiny, scrutiny, scrutiny. They cannot wait to see a good work develop and unfold over 36 months. This will be my most complex professional work. Not my most meaningful work by any means, which is reserved for people only, 1 at a time, the only work that ever matters. But I must earn my way, earn my way. And my job is to predict that which has been mathematically, conclusively, demonstrated by all of the finest minds, with all of the time and resources in the world at their disposal, to be absolutely unpredictable. My streak of wins being an anomaly that the finest minds trumpet 'mean reversion will come to you, Polar!', cheering in unison for me to implode to prove their model correct over time. They want me to fail. The eyes tell the truth, wanting to be all in, like me. But they know the pain reserved for the 'all in', the man of conviction, the odds of seeing the path free through chaos. I wish them well. Can they not wish me well?All the same, so hard to build a good name. Once built, that I jump between professions thrice and counting, abandoning it all, a foolish move in 2016, where being more than one dimensional is punished severely. Where starting over and having the unspeakable joy of being a beginner again is the mark of a fool. They want to categorize us all like a damn pair of shoes. The second question at any loathsome dinner party, what ****ing category can I place you in my good man? Excelled and abandoned several professions, and none of them were ever who I am, so **** off. Do you wish to rank me by my profession? Fine, rank me the lowest though I run circles around you in the ranks of ugly that you call home. I'll use the plain speech of a coal miner, and wish I was in their company, rather than you professional deceivers, taxes on humanity, who call themselves professional.The mainstream perception has been wrong on almost every matter I have truly studied to its end. It makes me cynical. I don't like cynical.'All' I have to do, is be entirely right, at predicting a tapestry of anatomy, economics, legislation, and the complex motivations of 4 dozen or so quite brilliant people whom I will never meet, and interwoven interaction of all of the above. Calculating Newton's madness, and above all intuition.I handle enormous 1-time beatings quite well, and dish them out, but I handle slow, dripping water torture quite poorly. How much I wish I could turn off the interim criticism. Criticize my mighty oak if you see fit, but yell cuss and spit at the seedling enough and you might knock it over. Can you see nothing but hardwood floors? Does a time ever come in man's life where he can just say 'trust me'. No, no it doesn't. If I'm right, I earn my ultimate professional goal, the only professional goal I have ever had, to leave the system. It took guts, judgement, more guts, and more judgement to get this far. And my odds of being right are, mathematically, far less than 1 in 1 million. And, in the mean time, I'm tortured by drip, day and through the night, each week for a 12 to 36 month sentence. And multiple drippers wait in line for me Monday, Tuesday. Oh how much I wish I could turn off feeling. And I feel everything. One drip from dark eyes can feel like a ton. It weighs heavy on me this week.To rip out my damn voice. To never let it out again. I'll speak through my sweat, or nothing.
I'm with a guy I know who has a machine the size of a wardrobe and that looks like it's from the 19th century. Later I talk to another guy. He confides that he is fascinated by the possibility of making a glass of water materialize just by using thought. In order to learn and attempt to do that, he says it's pretty expensive because you need certain DVDs, plus a machine like the other guy owns. There are modern versions of it, but the other guy chose a model from the 19th century or modern but vintage looking. I ask the other guy how much it cost him, and he tells me it was 1000$.
Later, another man joins us. He seems to have some authority in this place, like he is a boss. Us four talk, and the boss mentions a machine that processes 1 teraflop, and I repeat "1 teraflop!" in astonishment.
We later climb stairs. The boss tells me we are going to the roof, and wonders if there is another word more appropriate. I suggest the word "préau", which he says is wrong in a good humoured way. Then I suggest "toit à ciel ouvert". We reach the roof. We can see the sky. I point out that our view is a bit obstructed by the neighbouring buildings that are taller. The boss tells me we still have a pretty good view. I comment that the sky is absolutely stunning. There are red and white streaks in it I really like. There is a high mountain range far in front a us that completely blocks the view after a certain distance. There seems to be colourful (red etc) precious minerals on the face we can see. From below us, near the feet of the mountains, jumps a humanoid and yellowish creature that seems angry at one of the guys interested by materialization.
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Ok, so here is a random blog, for if anyone is researching and looking at this site in the future. So it has been 20 some days, since I lowered my dose of Prozac, believe it or not I am def feeling withdrawal symptoms. Increased anxiety the wonderful chest discomfort and nausea that comes with it, mild mild depressive feelings that don't last long, feeling exhausted, etc.. Seems like most people that have withdrawal symptoms are coming off the meds completely, whereas I am not coming off, I just had to lower my dose as the dose was too high and gave me a slew of others issues. I should say that I'm really hoping this is just withdrawal from being on a higher dose for about 3-4 weeks then dropping to a lower dose, I'd have to look at my calendar for an exact time frame of how long I was on a higher dose. Anyway, hopefully the doctor can give me some insight on this next week, and if so I'll post what he says, but seeing as not many people are going down in dose, rather up, I wanted to at the very least blog about it. If you are reading this and are dealing with odd feelings after decreasing your dose, you're not alone and you're not going crazy as I am dealing with this now. I read on another website that people call the withdrawal symptoms as you feel like you are trying to crawl out of hell.... Yeah, seems like that statement is about right!
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What if the person you love, the person you are close to, the person you seek support from, the person you want to feel vulnerable around just simply slams the door on your face when you are at your lowest and seeking their love and care? Not just once, but multiple times within a year... An the pain you are in is caused by them in the first place...
Do you leave or do you stay? If you leave... will it be running away from "what it takes during a rough patch" or will it be "moving on from abuse"?
I cannot decide... But the ironic thing is that irrespective of what I decide... The blame would be on me! either for leaving or for being there as something negative in this person's life...
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G Gentleness: Be gentle with yourself and your expectations.
R Relaxation: Do at least one relaxing thing.
A Accomplishments: Do something that makes you feel good about your abilities.
P Pleasure: Do something that brings you pleasure.
E Exercise: Do at least 30 minutes of exercise that gets your heart going.
S Social: Interact with positive people.
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Twisting words in to what you would like to say is what I have always considered an art. Stringing twenty-six letters in to words that describe situations sound's like an easy task, until you realize that there are literally over a million words in the English language, and not to count those other words in other languages that can't 100% be translated in to English words. How am I, on my mere 19 years on this Earth, supposed to know the correct words to talk about what I am actually feeling. Well, I guess this would be the start.
If I could tell you where and when I first started feeling depression, then I'm not sure I would be here with this story. It could have been in elementary, after dealing with bullies and other kids that I couldn't relate to very day. Or maybe it was watching my brother grow more and more angry with life every day even as a child. Maybe it was when my parents took me to the doctor because I was growing too fast, and I officially was told that I was 'abnormal'. Maybe it was waking up at midnight to the sound of glass hitting the floor, followed by never ending arguments from my parents; arguments that even if they weren't being verbalized, it was apart were still going on mentally. Maybe it was the first time I felt the force of another person's hands hit my face, and as the air escaped between my skin and their hand, all I could think was, This was my fault.
I remember growing up almost instantaneous. The carpet hit the back of my legs as my family sat around me. We played a lot of board games, and we spent a lot of time together as a family. It was normal, except, very soon, it wasn't. Divorce. What? Divorce. Oh. How do you respond to that. You know things aren't doing well, but you expect them to be okay. And then suddenly, they're not. To describe the feeling, it's as if all of my happy childhood were dumped in to a folder on a desktop, the folder was clicked and dragged straight in to the recycling bin on a Windows XP screen. Nothing to be relived again.
I held my little sister's hands while we packed our toys in to our boxes. I looked and looked for answers to her questions but frankly, I didn't have them. Why is mommy sleeping on the couch? Are we leaving? How long will we be gone? Why isn't daddy leaving with us? Do I have to go?
Why hasn't dad called us this month?....these past couple of months...since last Christmas? And just like that, we grow up.
How do you define normal?
If you wake up every day and someone punches you in the face, but that happens every day, then would you say that's normal to you?
If you woke up every day miserable, would you say that's okay, It's normal to me.
Every day was full of car rides. School. Therapy. Psychiatry. Aunt's house. Mom's house. Aunt's house. And frankly, it's a blur. A blur of beatings and getting sick. So sick that I didn't want to wake up in the morning and I ended up taking measures to make sure I wouldn't. Followed by more beatings, followed by medications to make me who I am not instead of fixing the issues.
But the between doesn't exist anymore.
The now. The ups. The downs. The head rushes. My mind never stops. Why is mine fast? What if everyone else is just slow. I feel the way I do because I analyze more, I am more self aware, surroundings aware, others aware. It is overwhelming that sometimes, I just want to disappear forever.
The brain is a place where our mind lives. The brain has all these connections, a zillion and a half at least, so they say, that click and clock, back and forth, dancing to and fro making the heart beat, your nose itch, and your eyes blink without even a thought. Our minds do the thinking. It has thoughts, and then reasons out what we should do with them. Simply put, we figure out what to do with the world as we know it.
Of course all brains were not created equal. Every person has his or her own design for sorting out the facts. The male's brain has a superior system capable of calculating extremely difficult equations in a complex world. While in comparison, to a female's brain, we have a much lower ability to compartmentalize different types of inputs at the same time. We can't multitask when too much is happening at once, and it's difficult to achieve a goal in an organized and efficient manner. We tend to act first, then think about the results later. We waste too much time second guessing ourselves with the often unexpected and entertaining consequences.
It was early, and here I sat on the bed, scratching my head, as to why I didn't want get out of bed earlier. My brain was lazy from the long work week. My mind knew it was wash day, but my brain was more interested in shutting down for another hour. It'll forget many of the important thoughts and plans of the night before. It's too nice and comfortable under the blankets to start thinking. The last thought I had, and slept right through that morning, was to remember to get up before my wife did the wash. I left my cell phone in those dirty jeans on the floor. Of course she was already planning out the days activities in an orderly fashion. First things first was to get the laundry started, and out of the way, early before I wanted breakfast.
Having my cell phone washed, would have been the start to a bad day, but just the day before I cancelled the protection plan for the phone. What was my mind thinking when I cancelled out the insurance? It was calculating in a straight line fashion of saving a few dollars, without worrying about the possible consequences. Acting first wasn’t the best plan but I made the call to Apple, anyway. Now, It was going to cost me the price of a refurbished phone. My head was about to explode for not thinking before acting. After all, I had the phone many years. I thought since nothing happened in all that time, why would anything bad happen in the future? I was playing the odds, and lost about four hundred bucks with only a man's logical mind at work.
I blamed my wife. Of course it wasn't her fault, but I yelled at her anyway for not checking the pockets. Not that it mattered whose fault it was, I felt better not taking the blame for my brain’s morning laziness. How could I be held accountable when that’s just the male way of thinking, and its inability to multitask?
- One load of dishes
- At least 20 minutes studio prep
- More reading
- Mark time to prep for April Exhib. as busy
- Mother Truckin Studio Prep
- I don't know. Maybe I'll see if someone wants to grab a glass of alcohol with me or something. That'd be nice.
Kindness to future self:
- Some form of exercise
- Read Alice
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I just realized that I absolutely have no goals. I'm gonna list them all out here.
- Organize my portfolio
- Continue my work out
- Start drinking more water
- Pass my classes
Last one's real important. I need a minimum GWA, and if I don't get that I'll be kicked out of uni. I'm almost confident that I'll make it. I don't wanna make myself super confident, I need a little space for doubt to push me harder. I also wanna start drinking more water, like follow that standard 8 glasses a day thing (I'm just at, like, 2 bottles a day for now). I've been gaining more weight than I should be, and it's making me dreadfully insecure. My mother suggested for me to cut back on the sodas and other sugary drinks and stick to water; I've found that as one of the best suggestions I've ever gotten.
My insomnia has gotten even worse. I'm awake constantly, functioning on sometimes as little as two hours sleep a day (even that is a stretch). I stayed up all night last night working on an essay, went to class and in my second class I was literally so tired that I was passing out. I was in pain from trying to keep myself awake, I've never been like that before. I was so, so tired that I could not even keep my eyes open. Suffice to say I came home and managed to grab a couple hours of sleep, but now it's 1AM and I'm awake. I think I might be able to sleep at some point, at least I hope so.
The weekend before this I was awake for thirty-seven hours straight. I could not fall asleep even if I tried. I miss being able to go to bed at ten-thirty and waking up at eight in the morning. What happened? Why can't I sleep?
So of course I try to find things to pass the time. I haven't been able to write lately and I've been feeling especially lonely, so I've been going onto online chat rooms. I've met some really amazing people that I like, and of course, people that I am inevitably falling in love with.
Do you think there's something wrong with me that I fall so quickly into these lovey dovey thoughts of people? Is it part of my illness or am I just very passionate? It's hard to know for certain. All I know is that right now I am talking to this one guy who is deaf, and he makes me feel all sorts of good things. Unfortunately he lives in the States and is Jewish, so he can't technically date out of his religion. He's strict about it. But he likes me and obviously I like him back. It's strange to keep falling for people and not being able to shield myself the way I used to. I wonder if, maybe, I'm just lonely?
In any case, I'm tired. My semester is almost done so maybe that will take some of the stress off of me and I can finally get a good nights rest.
That`s how I feel a great deal of the time.I am just so depressed right now.I don`t know what else to do to make it go away.My head is filled with darkness.I want to let the light in but I don`t know how.I`ve taken/take the meds and I`ve read tons of books about my disorder but nothing seems to help.I`m always just so tired.In the morning I don`t want to get of bed ,in the evening my anxiety starts up.When I my head down to rest at night all these anxious thoughts fill up my head.I see my pdoc next week and I don`t want to go.I guess it`s just because I have a hard time talking to other people and it makes me feel uncomfortable and I really just don`t like it.I am hopelessly awkward and shy and I hate myself.I guess I`m writing this because I don`t know what else to do.
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As I lie here in bed, the darkness of the room surrounding me and only the light of this laptop screen illuminating me. I still find myself surrounded. No matter where I go...I am reminded of the terrible, awful, painful truth that I am alone. Everywhere I go, people are talking about their relationships, they are discussing sex...Something I have never experienced...And the voices return, the terrible demons that fill my mind, their voices telling me more and more that I've failed, I am the weak link. Natural Selection should have taken me long ago. But yet I live. I must be strong, or lucky...I'm not really sure which...
But Brandon...Why is it so hard for you? Why not seek a relationship? There is but one simple answer that comes to mind: There is no easy solution. I am a man who can always find the easy way out, the quick solution, the shortcut. This time I have no such luck. I feel I can conquer my fear of talking to people, but then what does that leave me with? A long, arduous process...Finding a single woman, dating her and hoping things work out...When I think of all those details my head throbs...All I want is love, I want a woman I can curl up with, hold in my arms and tell her that I love her. I care not for the bulls*** in-between, all the dates, dinners, all that, I care not for it. I do not want it. But if I don't do it I am alone. Alas, we return to the vicious circle that continues to engulf us.
The human mating ritual is a long, arduous process and I don't like it. But I need love, I need romance in my life. So what do I do? A question I fear shall never be answered. My depression remains. Perhaps this is the cycle I am meant to live in forever...Perhaps the gods left me unfinished. I do not think I was meant to socialize as other humans do. Perhaps my purpose is elsewhere...Wherever it is...I must find it. And find it soon.
Almost 33 years old, unmarried, childless, S***e job, can't afford my own house, car looking like it's going to keel over. Is this as good as it is ever going to get?
My twenties were fun and exciting even if I was still a misery guts back then. I was academic and studied at a prestigious university, felt the world was my oyster and I had so many opportunities going for me. Now it all feels too late. Poor stress management and MH issues mean I'll never amount to anything career wise and I'm too old and poor to go back to being a student, which was about the only thing that has ever given me a sense of worth and achievement.
Why after 4.5 years with the same man, do I have nothing more? I'm jealous of the people who meet and get pregnant within a short space of time despite being a bit traditional and wanting to 'do it right' by getting married first. Why does my partner tell me I mean the world to him, that he wants to marry me and have a family, yet has never asked and almost 5 years on doesn't like like he ever will.
I feel trapped in a life I never wanted, in circumstances that will never change. Is this really as good as it gets? If so, I want out!
I asked myself today how to live, why do I live and then it hit me I don't live I just exist. I don't live my life well or to the fullest, then the reason why hit me. It's because I don't want to live. I don't want to be here. My patient is a quadriplegic he got into an accident at a young age and he lived a rich and full life he is only going to be 30 years of age. He's confined to a chair for the rest of his life. Them theres me I'm wasting my life away. I wish so badly I could give him my life as in my limbs because I just...I don't see a point in being on this earth. I haven't for many years now. I have been beaten, raped, emotionally abused, I grew up with an alcoholic mother who took her life, I myself am an alcoholic and drug addict, I self harm daily. I'm just waiting till the day that I can finally end it all. Because I am so miserable here, I am miserable living. Every morning I wake up and cry and wish I was dead and that the day would just be over with. Theres no point to my life, I just don't see it. I don't want it, please someone take it from me. Take away my pain because I can't do this anymore.