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  • GSpolar

    Does it matter?

    By GSpolar

    What we do matters.   They are real souls, the 10 people who are watching DF, who are so scared of the stigma, imprisoned at 'home' to such a degree, or hurting so deeply.....10 are watching at any given moment for every 1 who dared to even sign up anonymously. If you read this, you probably have encouraged at least one person anonymously, with nothing to gain, just out of love.   And for every 1, there were really 10, check out 'Activity/All Users' to see for yourself.   How terrible is a disease that 10 are afraid to admit it for every 1 who does.....How valuable is even one note of encouragement, 1 genuine hug.  Multiply your hugs by 10........You're changing outcomes of life, you really are
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Our community blogs

  1. Demonpenz
    Latest Entry

    I am almost getting fired at work. That is bad. I did take action to schedule an appointment to see if I am A.D.D. I felt a bit better this weekend. I spend alot of time with my mom and dad and that is always a good thing

  2. all i know is that i need to get out of this place.  lived here far too long.  i'm not growing here; this place doesn't resonate with me.  problem is, i know that if i move away, i'm going to fall into a deeper depression.  i have no friends/family in different states whom i can move in with, who would help keep the loneliness at bay.  i'm skeptical about being roommates with somebody i don't even know.

    i don't know what to do.  i'll just stay here 'til i rot.  sounds like a plan.  a fu cked up plan, but a plan nonetheless.

  3. Natasha1
    Latest Entry

     

    The rain pours down.

    Dismal, wet and grey

     

    Ever hear him cry out in fear?

    Being stuck

    Sheer panic

    Desperation

     

    I know what is to come

    I’ve been here before

    Dreading the Arrival

    He reaches for his sidearm

     

    Crying out

    Tears flowing

    The pain bleeds out

     

    Final

    Free

     

    And the sun breaks through

     

    Cleaning up

    Clipping the fence

    Falling to the ground

     

    Final

    Free

     

    Reaching for mine

    To end the suffering

    The poor little “dear”

    Desperation

    To be free…dare I say again?

    Ending a being so that another is born

     

    The One who should have been born in the first place

    Final

    Free

     

    Freedom piques all of the senses

     

    If you look in my eyes can you see it?

    Or are you bound to the earth?

    As prisoners you are blind

     

    Can you hear the chorus of the battle won?

    The music is there to take

    Composed for those with perfect pitch

     

    Can you smell the pain, as it dissipates

    From one shot?

    Or are you keeping yours for Fate to act on?

     

    Can you feel the air?

    The daggers lightening the load of what is not yours

    Or do you continue to carry, carry and fall?

     

    Can you taste it?

    The sweetest is earned

    I will.

     

    Desperation

     

    Changes afoot

    I am yellow marbled with pink

    And I’m ready

     

    Climbing climbing until I fly

    (Less traffic up in the sky)

    Once again into the light that was once me.

     

    So cry, cry and

    Cry with me

    To grieve the loss

    So great; yet small

    To me; to others

    As I fall

     

    In Desperation

    Lay the black sheet down

     

    Final

    Free

    At last

  4. I know you cant diagnose self but ive always wanted to understand whats wrong with me (ive always known something wasnt right)

    I read many articles on mental health and various issues.  When i stumbled uppon Borderline Personality disorder i was kind of upset.

    Here was an article that sounded like it was written about me.

    Falling in love, to such an extreme that i practically worship someone but terrified they would eventually leave me (which they all do)

    Anger and rage...thankfully not like some BPD people...i dont lash out but it all turns inward.

    Ive been told i dont seem to try to get better,  That i cling, and that i use emotions to control or manipulate.

    Ive been told that when i admit how much i hate myself that it seems an attention getting device.

    The best description ive seen is being like a burn victim emotionally.  There is no protection to emotions.  The slightest touch is agony.

    Its no wonder borderline people have. rate of over 70% for attempting suicide.  Granted a majority may very well be a cry for help but BPD people sucessfully complete an end at a rate of 10%

    Its like being trapped in a burning building.  You dont want to jump and die from falling but the fear of burning is far worse so you jump to escape pain.

     

  5. Loneliness, dissatisfaction, unhappiness. Been around most of my life. 

    Moments here and there of happiness..or the resemblance of joy.. but never enough. It's always mixed with a frantic sense of wistfulness for want of a better expression.

    Then there's the feeling of inadequacy. Not being able to get into uni or college. The sense of floating,  no actual direction. Not being anywhere really. No true sense of self. No passion, zest, no true interest in anything. Just ending up in places that would take anyone anyway. Same with my realtionships. Not much luck there either. Unhappiness, inadequacy, loneliness.

    No sense of accomplishment. I.ve tried. I've done stuff. Nothing sticks.  I still manage to act myself through a resemblance of "normal life". It's not my life though.  I wouldn't know what was to be honest. I feel dead within.

    Racing thoughts, insomnia, depression, anxiety, restlessness, agitation, constant anger and frustration. All-encompasing self hate. Been around most of my life too.

    I haven't a clue what to.do. I don't have a clue who I am or what I want..Pdocs can't make head or tail of me. Diagnoses change like the weather. "Inconclusive",  the catchphrase of the day.

    Years back I was diagnosed with burn out(probably correct) , primary insomnia and severe depression. This probably wasn't the case. But at the time I took everything the docs said at face value. I shouldn't have because they were wrong. Or at least not entirely  right.

    The sense of emptiness, the one thing other than insomnia(and when you think about it I wouldn't really "suffer" from it as much if I didn't have to live in the 9-5 world) that's been sround forever, never left me.

    Despite therapy, meds, pdocs, change of scene, work, hobbies. I'm still empty. No idea who I am, what I want.

    I.m 50 and have nothing at all to show for my life. Nothing I can be proud of.

    Just the emptiness..void.

    I've had enough.

    And btw, whatever I am told, it can always get worse.

    I'm not standing around for more bollocking from a life that isn't mine.

    I.m leaving. Eventually, soon, I will.

     

  6. GSpolar
    Latest Entry

    IRL...And you call your other friendships "In Real Life"

    The real-life people, who judge you according to your ass size, visible displays of wealth, ability to lie charmingly, and skin pigment.

    And you the wandering soul spinning toward me right now as I erupt in light, you are the Un-Real ones to me.  Who loves me despite having never seen my shapely ass.

    So will heaven be the place where people are encouraging of each other, despite nothing to gain?  Love just because?  Hmmmmm.....what on earth does that remind me of?

    Like when I break down here....barely breathing but genuine soul of mine, on that day when I wonder why.  

    And your un-real love shows up, dear anonymous and wonderful DF friends, all 1000 of you, faceless and beautiful.  

    I don't want to meet you.  Would just ruin a beautiful thing as you would spend the whole time staring at my ass.  But dip your body in paint and spin as we take turns colouring each others grey.  I love ya' already.  

     

  7. So this is the second day of me trying to do something to improve my life. The first was nothing just thinking I guess. I have started taking a multivitamin again, I know I don't eat very good and maybe someday soon that will change. But I am taking it because I know I am probably lacking in some of vitamins and minerals. Two days in and I do feel something a little different, but it's to early to really tell anything yet. I have been told many times now to see a counselor, but I don't see the point? I do not understand what will come from it, besides just talking to someone. I know where a lot of my problems come from and what brought them about. I need a lot of improvement of myself image and how I feel about myself. I guess this is a start.

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    Recent Entries

    Before I came off my medication at the beginning of the summer, a lot of people made a big deal about it. It was supposed to take months for me to adjust. I was supposed to be in and out of depressed hazes. I was supposed to panic and have to actively prepare myself to resist the urge to go back on them (that I would inevitably want to do for sure). 
    Well, it's been 3 months and honestly until someone asked me how I was doing without medication, I'd completely forgotten I was ever on them. It wasn't until my friend pointed out how unusual that was that I realized how easy the transition has been, or at least how well I'd handled it.

    The withdrawals sucked, they took a few weeks to go and then I was fine. I remember writing an email to a friend and saying "I feel more like me and I don't like it". I'd not noticed the medication make me "less me" and I'm still not sure what to make of that. I'm not sure how to describe what more or less me means, because it's not like I was a zombie while on them or anything. It was a sort of restlessness maybe. Like everything else I experienced, that leveled out and I feel fine about it. 
    After that I was proud of myself for coming off medication and making the right choice, and then I forgot all about it altogether. 

    I need to trust myself more, I've been dealing with this a long time. Yes sometimes I want to hurt myself but my judgement when it comes to my recovery has always been on point. I've been making the right choices for myself for a long time and I need to recognize that.   

  8. I am so done with asshol.es in my life. F them and F him. I seem to be a magnet for these types. This last one has put me over the edge, and I am just DONE with people now. He attacked me because I said something he didn't like, or really because I called him out on his poor behaviors, so he went on the attack, accusing me and going for some type of psycho babble nonsense, when in fact he's the one who abused our friendship... also saying basically that I deserve to be treated poorly.. that it's ME not the asshol.es who is to blame. We will no longer be friends because of this, that's for sure. I don't need that kind of BS in my life.. I am getting rid of all toxic people, and he's one of them. I'm far more stable & together than he is anyways... he's seriously unstable and immature and doesn't even know what the fu.ck he's talking about. I know who I am and what I deserve, and I feel good about myself, and I do not deserve that kind of BS crap bringing me down so F him. All asshol.es do is try to tear you down, when really they're full of self-loathing and self-hatred and have to project that onto everyone else. They want you to feel bad about yourself because they feel bad about themselves and want to bring you down to their level. Well F that. I am so done with this kind of crap. I will not let anyone tear me down. He also claims to be my friend and to care about me, well clearly he is no friend of mine. I don't need that kind of friend in my life. He even admitted he doesn't see things clearly. That is beyond evident given my experience with him. Screw his nonsensical mean words and screw him.

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  9. Dosage: 100mg generic Wellbutrin, taken twice daily.

    A lot has been written about a "honeymoon phase" that many people experience on Wellbutrin.  Where apparently one feels an initial boost in mood and energy, followed by a period of feeling down (sometimes even worse than before starting medication), followed by a gradual evening out and positive progression.  

    If that's true, I am definitely in the second stage.  

    Definitely haven't been feeling as motivated as I was during my last blog entry.  But what's worse, and the worst part, is that this bizarre out of it feeling is not only still here but oftentimes stronger, especially at night.  I've tried to think of how to explain it, and here is my best effort so far: It is like being dizzy but without the lack of balance part, combined with having blurry vision without any actual visual impairment.  The feeling in your head you get when you're dizzy or have blurred vision.  I feel like this has been the biggest detriment to my progression on this drug so far because it completely owns me.  If I think about it too much and focus on it I feel super weird and get on the verge of a panic attack, so I try not to.  But yeah it's definitely something going on, its about the same level of intensity as taking 1-2 shots of alcohol, depending on your tolerance.  Not saying it feels similar, just illustrating that its definitely a fairly intense and present thing.

    Other recent though lesser side effects have been restless arms and headaches.  I've also been feeling a bit "dumber" lately.  Sometimes having a hard time remembering a name of an actor or football player or specific word.  Whether that's a byproduct of this out of it feeling or something else independent remains to be seen.

    I am forging ahead in the hopes that what I have read is true for me too.  Many people have posted in past threads telling people "Yes, I felt bad too, stick with it, trust me!"  

    I will try.

  10. My one and only friend in this world passed away  August 08. I don't know what I'm going to do. I feel so alone.  ;;(

  11. I woke up fine, didn't get much sleep though, I was anxious and thinking I was going crazy. But now everything seems back on track. I hope it remains this way because I can't handle this rollercoaster anymore. Took all my meds, went to the doctor (not the pdoc, another) and hopefully will go to college without complaining. Life's still a mess of course but I'm trying to have a more positive approach towards it.

    The new medication isn't working yet since I only took it for two days, but maybe the previous one is still doing something, but I hope when it kicks in it's for good. I'm planning to go for a walk every morning and see if I feel a little better. I mean, I could use some Vitamin D and endorphins.

  12. posie_riot
    Latest Entry

    Actual photo of me, ruminating over life's many woes. 

     

    kittykitty.jpg

  13. I DID IT!! I finally reached out to all of my friends. Initially I was prepared for rejection, maybe even confusion, but oh my gosh they were so open and helpful I cried. I was sure that the moment I would mention the sui/cidal part of my problems, they'd shy away or think I was selfish. But I received so much overwhelming support from them.

    I now have two new buddies to talk to when I'm down who also have depression/anxiety. Sometimes we just shoot the breeze, but when the time comes we all sit down and listen to each others thoughts and help one another. It's wonderful.

    But the most important part was telling my best friend. I thought for sure she'd slap me with a bible and tell me that I would go to hell for even thinking about ending my life. Instead, she listened to my spiel in it's entirety, every last detail and sentence. I was certain she would reject me and distance herself, but instead we're closer now than ever before. We're close as sisters. I couldn't ask for anything else.

    I feel a weight has been lifted off of me now. Like an elephant were sitting on my chest all along and now that I've come out and told the world, I feel better. There are still past traumas that I can't get over however. Something I don't feel ready to discuss with them yet because of the painful memories that come with it. But I now know for certain that they'll help me out when that day comes.

     

    Even if I feel like the emotional equivalent of watching paint dry, I'll get better. After all, Tomorrow is a new day.

  14. I'm in a school playground with a hoverboard like in Back to the future 2 I just acquired. There is another person playing with his own hoverboard, a guy around 13 yo, not fat but just slightly overweight. I go in circles around the playground with the hoverboard. It's easy to control. The engine emits a white light. At one point it seems like the engine is about to fall off, but after tinkering a little bit with it it seems secure. At one point the guy stops in front of me. I stop, disembark and sit on the ground to take some rest, and tell him that it's because I saw him play with his hoverboard the other day that I got inspired to get one. He says that just like me he used to practice in the bathroom before doing it in a playground. I don't understand the link and think that he may have misunderstood what I said. I get back on the hoverboard. There is another guy I don't know who comes to do the same thing.There might be a fourth person. We're all going in circles in the same direction. At one point I go in circles the other way, but shortly after I change back to avoid a frontal collision.

     

    Interpretation: I manage to integrate more play in my life.

  15. I really need to find a new job. Between lazy coworkers and a horrible, uncaring management team this place is going to do me in.  Back in Feb my family doctor suggested I start looking, that changing jobs could and probably will help me. 

     

    I'm trying. I have sent out numerous resumes and hear nothing back. I only ever got called for one interview and from the start of it, I knew I wasn't going to get a call back. Having the interview last less than 15 minutes really solidified that fact. 

     

    Recently I sent one out to one of the biggest companies in my County. It's been almost 2 weeks and nothing. I hear they contact you within a week. So I'm counting that one out. I know you are probably saying that I should call them and ask. But on the ad they specifically say only qualified candidates will be contacted due to the amount of applications they get. So I'm taking that to mean, please don't bother them if you don't hear from them.

     

    So I'll keep going and trying. I just found another one this morning that I'm going to try. Its doing the same type of stuff I'm doing now. It's over an hour drive from me, but if it works out, I'll take it. I just have to write yet another cover letter. That's one of the parts I dislike. I have problems with stuff like that. 

  16. I'm amazed seeing the ex-boyfriends, who were so anti-marriage when we were dating, getting married. I'm equally amazed at the very average, even slightly homely women they are marrying. Don't get me wrong, it's great that they aren't shallow. But it makes me think that maybe I was too worried about my appearance when we dated and that it really didn't matter in the long run.

  17. I always wanted to do these, but didn't have the balls with people I actually know. Also they don't "get it" a lot of the time so I am pretty much wasting my energy.

    Here goes

    Day 1 - A picture of yourself WITH FIFTEEN FACTS :)

    1. I am 25 years old
    2. I am a former high school drop out... completing Education prerequisites
    3. I find #2 hilarious, but children have always been my passion. Academia on the other hand is a very new interest for me, and I love it especially in comparison to my train wreck high school years.
    4. I do not regret dropping out. People say you will regret it if you do all the time, and I wholeheartedly disagree. My health was more important than my education at that time, and I needed to get it under control first.
    5. After years of muddling along, having attacks in class, and shutting down my emotions to get through classes I now have struggle learning to acknowledge, and deal with my emotions rather than shutting down.
    6. Psychology is my minor, but I am going to Social Psychology route instead of the obvious. I will end up doing developmental studies anyway, and the clinical side is my life. Social psychology is interesting, and different allowing me to get out of my head.
    7. I love rain and still enjoy puddle jumping. I have a 4-6inch scar on my leg from when I was 16 to prove this. It's a badge of honour to this day :)
    8. I am so excited to be an aunty, but struggling with the fact that I will never have my own. Still I cannot wait to meet this kid, and have snuggles throughout Christmas holidays.
    9. I love memoirs especially mental health related. The only time female perspective I can stand is the 'crazy' ones though.
    10. I refer to myself as crazy all the time among other things.. I do not mean to be offensive there
    11. I am a huge fan of dark twisted humour, I legitimately scare the hell of people with it
    12. Red bull is my remaining vice.. not sorry
    13. I carry my name change certificate as a badge on honour that frees me from my ass hole 'dad'
    14. I will likely end up choosing history as my teachable major. So far I have enjoyed Canadian, Aboriginal, and Mennonite history most and I love it.
    15. I struggle to keep trying to maintain this 'stable' bulls*** because it seems so boring at times

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  18. my coworker is back at it with being snappy to me. its fine. ive developed thicker skin as time went on. in the past this would of had me upset but i just accept it now. 

    my mom is getting worse. i dread calling her or answering her calls. shes a mess, worries about everything and anything and sometimes the dumbest things. shes cranky a lot, and as my only communication with the outside world i would rather avoid her sometimes. I cant hold myself together and then deal with her, i know that sounds horrible and selfish but im just not that strong yet.

    my sleeping is back to being out of whack. i wake up constantly thru out the night. im tired all day long. my migraines are back as well.

    i feel like i just totally out of the blue went like 50 steps backwards with progress. so frustrating. but it is what it is. god forbid i accidentally express my sadness to someone.

    oh well

  19. evalynn
    Latest Entry

    It's raining, and the rain always seems to breed nostalgia. (I might have stolen that sentiment from a Pablo Neruda poem but I'm too lazy to check. Either way, it feels true.)

    I'm thinking about all the things I miss.

    I miss my old therapist. The last therapist I had, the best one. I felt comfortable with her, and I told her things I've never told anyone. If I had been able to have more sessions with her, I probably would have told her a lot more. In my last session when she told me she couldn't see me anymore, I cried. It still makes me feel like crying.

    I miss my old mother. The one who always had her nose in a book, who laughed a lot, who loved to go walking at the beach or the park with me. She's now a shell of her former self. It's like watching someone vanish in slow motion.

    I miss having a home. I used to have a home, in Connecticut. Now I've been living in Florida for ten years  in two different cities, and neither feels like home. I don't even think I want them to. I'm just...here.

    I miss my childhood, for lots of reasons, and I miss my 20s. I wish I had tried more things in my 20s: died my hair a crazy color, went out and tried things that I was scared of or that I feared I'd be judged for. Now I'm in my 30s and I feel like I missed the chance to be experimental and carefree and get away with it.

    I miss my hope that one day things will be better. That I can still accomplish my dreams and have a comfortable life.

    And now I'm wondering which of the things that I have now will be the ones I'll miss in the future.

  20. ArnoldJRimmer
    Latest Entry

    therapist focused on my self image.  

    her good humored frustration shows in how i cant seem to break the loop in thinking.  'I cant talk to someone i care about because she wants space ...she wants space because im a useless wreck of a person'

    over simplified but to the point.

    interesting how my therapist thinks that she has the same self image problems i do.  that what truly drove her away was how much i tried to show her how much real value she has in life.  she cannot accept it and after a while, my words sound irritating and almost mocking.  i find that so sad.  she really is a wonderful woman and to think she could feel like this is so wrong.

  21. For a few days now, I've been running conversations that my husband and I have had through my head over and over again.  I've afraid to talk to him anymore because either he gets angry or I get emotional.  There are still some red flags in our relationship regarding abuse, so I'm making an exit plan.  Saving money to help myself reestablish credit and a bank account.  At the very least, that's step one.

    I just need to know what to do in the meantime.  Stay nice and cordial or avoid him?  I've joined a gym again, so I can use that as an excuse to leave the house (though I am a bit lazy tonight >_<; )  Tomorrow, I'm meeting up with friends, my mom & I are hanging out more often.  I just hate to think when the time comes to talk, he'll just blame me again and we'll get nowhere.  I wish I could understand why he blames me.  Why is he so afraid of himself?  He won't answer me.  He hates to face problems and rather think nothing is his fault.  

    I saw this from the beginning, I wish I knew better to stay away from him.  Lucky for me, I can leave when I'm ready with some money.  We only own two cats together.  I would take one of them since one likes me over the other.

    Still glad to know that this is his problem.  I only was trying to help, but now I'm being accused of giving up only when HE'S finally ready to help.  He just doesn't get it.