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  • GSpolar

    Does it matter?

    By GSpolar

    What we do matters.   They are real souls, the 10 people who are watching DF, who are so scared of the stigma, imprisoned at 'home' to such a degree, or hurting so deeply.....10 are watching at any given moment for every 1 who dared to even sign up anonymously. If you read this, you probably have encouraged at least one person anonymously, with nothing to gain, just out of love.   And for every 1, there were really 10, check out 'Activity/All Users' to see for yourself.   How terrible is a disease that 10 are afraid to admit it for every 1 who does.....How valuable is even one note of encouragement, 1 genuine hug.  Multiply your hugs by 10........You're changing outcomes of life, you really are

Our community blogs

  1. RiverLight
    Latest Entry

    Well, all has turned around once again! He came back to me.. the man I was falling in love with two months ago. We're back together and we're both deliriously happy. All is grand, right and beautiful in the world again! Actually, it really couldn't be any better than this. I feel like singing from the roof tops! I am head over heels in love.... it feels soooooooo damn good! I think I've found my soulmate. I am very happy he came back.



  2. Natasha1
    Latest Entry

    Sometimes, I find it there

    The little box wrapped with care


    With promise, hope, pretty paper is stained

    Happiness too, will surely be gained?


    Ribbon reinforced and tied,

    Keeping it all safe inside


    The tag is blank sender unknown

    torn and ripped; it stands alone


    Was it given to me or have I found it by mistake?

    Finders, keepers, shall I take?


    I close my eyes and only feel

    Otherwise others, they will steal


    I open the box and then I see

    It was indeed meant for me


    The cold hard package



    Disappointment, it seems unfair


    Life hurts us so; right to the core

    But it’s so much better than before


    The question now is, do I think

    It needs re-gifting; Link or sink?


    For with the gift there comes regret

    It was offered now my cheeks are wet


    A lesson learned such is life

    Kept for myself cuts like a knife


    No, prepare the box, with love and care

    Add all I’ve learned it’s time to share


    Sadness, loneliness; in the dark

    I fold the tag’s corner to leave my mark


    For life’s a gift and it must be

    It’s in our focus how we see

  3. zdude954
    Latest Entry

    Does anyone want my life? I would be more then willing to give it to you, I am not selling it or asking for a trade. I will give you everything I own all the money, the few friends I have, my family everything, my job everything. All I ask is the clothes on my back and the shoes on my feet. Then I will disappear, you can't get a hold of me or get to worry what I will do or where I will be. I will simply disappear, I will simply no longer exist.

  4. Jalen
    Latest Entry

    I did a test for how much BMI is considered very underweight, and it said 15.0 or lower, I'm 14.5. Don't know whether I should like be worried or something, I am 5'5 and 90 pounds. That is in the third percentile or people my age my height.

    I just really don't feel like I'm underweight, I feel like I'm getting fatter.

  5. Campanella
    Latest Entry

    I've made a full recovery.

    But lately I've been feeling very lonesome.

    Even when I talk with friends I feel out of it.

    Even when I'm with family, I feel like I should be somewhere else.

    Even when I post here, it feels like I'm talking to myself.

    So lonely.

  6. Just hopeless... thoughts about myself, other people, fictional characters...! I guess I'm in conflict with my ego or something. I just don't have the fight anymore. Yes, I was arguing with the thoughts last night, desperately trying to justify them, but i just don't care. Whether this means i accepted everything or not, i don't know. I WAS WRONG, I'M SORRY. there's no way to "move on" from this. My mind will make me angst for awhile, give me some free time, and then pain me again two weeks later. It just leaves me feeling deeply uncomfortable that "this is it." There has to be something more, something in in this that will give me some form of naive happiness, like I had a few months ago. I hate being wrong. I need to find another source of happiness, because even some of the thoughts that were kinda fun to argue with, are leaving me uncomfortable now 

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    It all happened many years ago already, yet still the inner demons don't let go of me...

    Echoing in my mind how horrible, ugly, stupid, annoying, burdensome, weird, meaningless, invisible, fat, pathetic person I am.

    Those short but sharp words like thorns clawing through your skin viciously, ripping you apart.

    They don't leave you alone in any moment, it may seem like it but they're always there watching you... Waiting for the right moment.

    Quietly and imperceptibly vanishing to the dark shadows without you noticing them suddenly coming back again.

    Making you cry uncontrollably to feel like the most incapable tiniest person ever.


    Words are really powerful, the effect they have to yourself and others, especially to others.

    10 years of mental abuse have created those ''demons''... I don't know why they're still there.

    It's not daily, but my mind still keeps haunting me from time to time.

    Those words keep echoing in a darkness...


    What a lonely place to be.

  7. So it has been 5 days without any responds. I saw her once and we talked but she acted as if nothing had happened.  I'm over that now or getting over that. Instead of getting stuck on this issue I decided I tried to be honest and it didn't work out for me. But I realized something. I only said something because I was tired of being a liar about how I felt. Then I realized one of the things that gets me down the most is putting on a happy face everyday. I don't need to pretend to be happy everyday. Most days I'm not happy and I'm not miserable I'm just there. I fake a million smiles and laughs. if I stop and decide to just be me I can relax and deal with much less stress. I'll see how it goes. 

  8. Nothing has changed. Still in school. Sick of it. Peach graduated with honors and is about to start her second job. She has an apt too. David is working a regular job now. His wife babysits too. Brian was on again and now he is off again. Just stopped talking to me. Same with Ambi. I haven't been to the gym since last August. I am sad and lost and I wish it were over. Done. This is hell. Waking up feeling hopeless, empty, alone and lonely. I don't want to do anything. I just don't care anymore.

  9. I just want to get this off my chest. While my depression has no longer been severe for a couple of months now, it has been replaced by anhedonia, the inability to feel satisfaction or pleasure from activities.


    No matter what I do I just can't feel anything. Nothing gives me any satisfaction. My depression has been under control for some months thanks to medication. Though I must note that I have stopped taking them for a month due to the fact that tehy interfere with normal sleep. (I think I should go back to using them  soon to keep my gains against depression) Depression has dropped from severe to mild depression. I do not feel bothered about it anymore on a daily basis. 


    Yet I feel bad since I no longer have any life goals which is unusual for me. I just can't feel anything. Not even trying new activities gives me pleasure. There is just no satisfaction in anything. 

  10. Memoirs

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    Latest Entry

    Whenever I see Memorial Day coming up on my calendar, certain thoughts come to mind.  Probably most first think of the Second World War, given its greater attention paid to by scholars and its larger psychological and socio-historical impact.  I don't.  My first thought goes straight to the Great War.  Why? Compared to World War Two, it has not been given its due in academia.  This stands to reason.  The further away a trauma is, the less it can be understood or felt a need to be understood.  There are fewer historical records and fewer historians interested in discussing it compared to WWII.  There certainly remains a dearth of military historians in Canada.  Simply put, our population is too small.  There are some terrific fictional authors who still write about the Great War, like Sebastian Barry and Sebastian Faulks, both of whom were born shortly after the immediate postwar era (1945-52).  Literary works such as A Long, Long Way and Birdsong come to mind.  You would think that Barry and Faulks had lived through the Great War, but both were born well after it, in the 1950s.  They wrote at their sensitive best, with an emotional expression and poetic sense I find unfathomable.  Nonetheless, in terms of the number of academic publications, the Great War will unlikely catch up the number of works produced on the Second World War.  But all this is quite beside the point for me.  I think of World War I immediately because my grandfather fought in it; which side of the Atlantic Ocean, I shall leave to your imagination, but suffice it to say, I am a second-generation Canadian, who learned English as a second language.  I keep thinking, had it not been for this man, my mother would not have been born, and had it not been for my mother, I would not have been born.  This is when I truly understand that my life is a gift, not to be taken lightly.  Somehow, my grandfather survived the atrocities of the war.  I don't really know how.  What I do recall are the war stories, all true, that he told me as a child.  I've often thought of writing a memoir on his behalf, but for now, I'll leave you with these thoughts. 

  11. irah007
    Latest Entry

    I'm an *****. Why did I even marry him. I wish I haven't. What the hell is wrong with me. I hate him. I'm the one in the wrong. I'm always the one in the wrong. I hate you God. What the hell am I suppose to do now. ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** I'm such an ***** I hate myself I hate myself. God I want to die. Please God please let me die. There's really no purpose in my life anymore. But of course im not gonna die. Im a coward. Every time I try I fail. I'm such an *****. Why the heck why the heck why the heck.

    seriously what's the point. Who wants to have kids. He does. Do I want. I don't know. Wish I could just tell it to him. But what's the point. Will having kids improve the situation we r in. Some say it will make things worse. Been trying for 3 years for 3 damn years we tried to have kids and we always fail every time my mens come I hate myself I want to die. And now I'm kicked out of the house. What the hell. I hate his mum I wish I can die. Now I'm living with my parents and he live with his mum. So my fertile period is here but I feel so irritated all of a sudden I don't know why just so angry with his mum like what's the point of even marriage if we don't live in the same house. Yes for past few days I told him he can come over we can try to have a baby again and he did for a few days and last we did it was Friday. And today I feel so irritated again with his mum. He was suppose to come over today that ***** and he come up with a stupid stupid stupid excuse well to me it's a ****** stupid excuse. So I told him fine stop coming why even bother I don't want to see you again. And he just replied ok. I hate him. Ugh I'm printing out those divorce papers and signing it and sending it to Court early tomorrow morning. I just Want to die

  12. Gisele
    Latest Entry

    I keep reading here and there that global warming is a thing. And since I am not a right-leaning dumbarse I'm inclined to believe it. I just can't wait for it to start.

    It's nearly the end of October and I'm getting rather tired of looking down at my frozen feet to make sure they haven't somehow snapped off. I wish I was kidding. It's meant to be Spring here south of the equator and that's meant to mean the airing of sun-starved flesh. So come on China, hurry up a light a billion little coal fires. Or something.

    I also wish I was a better friend to myself. I went to races yesterday and dressed totally in spite of the weather forecast. Just where rests the thin line between hope and denial? No, I don't know either ;)

    It was fun though. And it was exciting the see the world's best mare smash her rivals and honestly look like she could go around again and win by another eight lengths, if you're into that kinda thing, which I so am, and it's kinda hard to write about being a headcase when I'm not feeling that lately. Yay @ me.

    Can't wait to work out of way of spreading that around.

    Must ask the therapist, again, why sensible clothing feels like a lingering death.








  13. MESS

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    Latest Entry

    In the cold

    Alone in shade

    I’ll go quietly

    So take me now



    Soak rays and drink

    Grow their rows

    Forgetting me


    As they grow

    Watch me whither

    Cast my seed on the rock

    A youth lost


    I’ll go quietly

    So take me now

  14. I was browsing videos on YouTube with live performances of bands I have seen live. One band in particular made an everlasting impression on me.

    I remember going to it with my sister. Now, we don't speak much but I had sent her a message asking if she remembered this night and who we were with, considering I was 12 and she only 16.

    I read her reply tonight.

    'We were with my classmate and her friend. They had dinner with us at home. Her dad had shot her mam. I can't think of her name now...'

    Okay, wow.  How do I not remember that? I just remember this and it was amazing:



  15. So, some of you might have noticed that I've been doing SO much better lately!  It's SO TRUE!!!

    But that aside, I'm still super worried about my husband.  He's not getting sick or anything, but he still basically eats garbage (pizza and fried chicken is what he eats all day everyday!! No matter WHAT I cook.  Poor guy doesn't know the meaning of a homecooked meal..)  But anyway, all food and no exercise.  It would be one thing if he ate more well rounded meals, but the least he can do is support me here and there.  Even if he hates the gym, a walk around the neighborhood isn't THAT terrible!  Especially since our town is built on hills and, it's a pretty great workout just walking.  Why is he such a lazy butt?

    Hm.. I don't know what I can do.  I can definitely see myself getting healthier and him not so much.  I don't want to hang around a sick man >_<;

  16. I was born with a favorite song, then I heard another song and I had a new favorite. The world has a short attention span with music as with most other worldly humanistic feelings. It's just the way it is everywhere, with one hit song after another. The favorite of the day is the bomb of tomorrow. Some research has indicated that at fourteen a person is influenced by songs. I wondered, as I fell asleep last night what the hit songs were when I was fourteen. 

    The feeling from a song's tune and words became part of my soul. It could also be true that my insights and perceptions became acute at that age. I listened with an intelligent developing mind. I also read with a penchant of deeper reflection as to the author's intentions they wanted me to have after reading their words. 

    Without goggling I thought of a few song that I remembered. Here are the ones that actually were from 1965: 

    "I Can't Get No Satisfaction" was one that fit 1965. I was very surprised as my memory placed the song in 1968. 

    Another was "Help Me Rhonda" which was from1965. I was a surfing addict most of my life. 

    One pick had to be from Bob, and I took a shot at "Like a Rolling Stone". Bingo, right on the damn money, 1965. 

    Then I thought of The Byrds, another all time favorite group, and came up with "Mr. Tambourine Man" also by Bob. I thought that song was 1967, but right on the money again, 1965, the year the Byrds made the song a hit.  

    Another song was "How Sweet It Is to be Loved by You". I discount that pick because the song is still a hit for me. Can you imagine that? From Marvin Gaye all the way up to James Taylor's version. However 1965 was the year! 

    What it all means is beyond me? I was reluctant to believe the research. As I'm writing this, I think these particular songs did have influence in my development. They still resonate in my head from time to time. The song have been my destiny. 

    On the other side of the coin I had memories of other songs but they weren't 1965. Songs like "Heat Wave", missed that by a year. I really love that song and can remember dancing to it in front of the mirror. 

    "Day Tripper, another miss but only by a month, January 1966, so count that as a hit. 

    Magic Carpet Ride, 1968, well a great song but a miss for my year of 1965. 

    All in all, I had more hits than misses. I didn't check the song and date match until today, a day later but hey, I was right more than wrong. 

    The question for now, what in the world does that mean as to who I grew up to be so many years from 1965? That's a question for a psychologist or others that have known me for a period of time could answer. I believe these songs are who I am, both then and now, depending on the song. 

    All of the songs have fit at some point in my life. I think of "Satisfaction" and remember hearing it on the New Jersey boardwalk or singing the song in my high school band, I named The Sugar Beats. Yep, you heard it right, The Sugar Beats. I played the drums and sang. What a trip that was to play in front of my sister's friends at high school dances. I have to add that we played many songs by the Monkees too. "Last Train to Clarksville" was my favorite song to sing while drumming away on stage. 

    Then how about "How Sweet It Is to be Loved by You"? Yes, my true love was always sweet. But she divorced me in 2009 because I was depressed and completely out of my mind. She was always there for me in the best of times. I was never happier with anyone else and I'm now the saddest person on earth without that love. Sigh. 

    "How Sweet It Is to be Loved by You" 

    I needed the shelter of someone's arms and there you were 
    I needed someone to understand my ups and downs and there you were 
    With sweet love and devotion 
    Deeply touching my emotions 
    I want to stop and thank you baby 

    How sweet it is to be loved by you 
    How sweet it is to be loved by you 

    Which song fits the year of 2016? I would have to give a big heads up to Bob's "Like a Rolling Stone" for the song that fits me today like a tight wet suit on a cold windy day in January. 

    "Like a Rolling Stone" by Bob Dylan 

    Once upon a time you dressed so fine 
    Threw the bums a dime in your prime, didn't you? 
    People call say 'beware doll, you're bound to fall' 
    You thought they were all kidding you 
    You used to laugh about 
    Everybody that was hanging out 
    Now you don't talk so loud 
    Now you don't seem so proud 

    About having to be scrounging your next meal 
    How does it feel, how does it feel? 
    To be without a home 
    Like a complete unknown, like a rolling stone 

    Not a pretty picture of my life right now when I read the lines. You read them, and tell me how you'd feel to be this rolling stone guy? Yes it all fits me now, all too damn well. In fact, I could scream out loud as to just how much this man we call Bob has written such truths about my damn life back then that fit right now. I could run through the streets in complete sobbing tears that no one would hear nor want to, with the one exception being my lovely wife. This is my stinking ****ed up life right now. It's been the worse year of my entire life. I hate my life and would prefer to check out as soon as possible. I could run a check list but it's my life, not the readers' business. I could start with my dog Mac dying in February and believe me it gets a hundred times worse right up to this week with no hope for a tomorrow. 

    This is my memoir, called "Life Sucks". 

    I'll end with an up note of Bob's lyrics, and The Byrds' singing "Mr Tamborine Man" 

    Though you might hear laughin', spinnin', 
    Swingin' madly across the sun 
    It's not aimed at anyone, it's just escapin' on the run 
    And but for the sky there are no fences facin' 
    And if you hear vague traces of skippin' reels of rhyme 
    To your tambourine in time, it's just a ragged clown behind 
    I wouldn't pay it any mind 
    It's just a shadow you're seein' that he's chasing. 

    Then take me disappearin' through the smoke rings of my mind 
    Down the foggy ruins of time, far past the frozen leaves 
    The haunted, frightened trees, out to the windy beach 
    Far from the twisted reach of crazy sorrow 
    Yes, to dance beneath the diamond sky with one hand waving free 
    Silhouetted by the sea, circled by the circus sands 
    With all memory and fate driven deep beneath the waves 
    Let me forget about today until tomorrow 

    Hey! Mr. Tambourine Man, play a song for me 
    I'm not sleepy and there is no place I'm going to 
    Hey! Mr. Tambourine Man, play a song for me 
    In the jingle jangle morning I'll come followin' you

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  17. 20YearsandCounting
    Latest Entry

    Some experiences in life feel like an acid bath. The pain or anxiety or terror or suicidal thoughts eat away at who you are inside until it feels like there's nothing left. The pain is horrible and intense, and you measure life moment by moment, breath by breath, heartbeat by heartbeat. It hurts so much you can't even feel it all or describe it, the hurt just encompasses everything.  Breathing is hard, and you can't even think about focusing.  Forget focus, forget trying to sustain any thought except the obsessive ones rattling around in your brain like unwanted guests who won't. go. away.  Every moment is so filled with terror and panic and pain that you don't think it can be filled anymore.

    I didn't go through anything traumatic or life-threatening this last weekend.  I'm pretty sure I had a nervous breakdown of sorts. Something happened Friday (not violent or traumatic, like I said) I spent the weekend trapped in the hell of my own body and mind. Terror and pain and panic and ohmygodwhycantibreatheicantbreathef*ckicantbreathe  Sick dread and twisted fantasies took turns twirling around my brain.  It all culminated with a massive panic attack so bad that I thought I was having a heart attack.  Pain in shoulder? Yes. Numbness on right side?  Yes.  Heaviness in chest?  Yes. Difficulty breathing?  In spades.  And on and on.  

    I've cried at least once a day since last Friday.  Last weekend I think that's almost all I did.  Any little thing can make me start crying now.  That's a huge sea change from someone who barely shed a tear. 

    So now I just feel..... empty. Not in a bad way.  Like when you've had a good cry and you're starting to recover, and your breath is still a little hitchey and raggedy. 

    I'm sorry to be so dramatic and short, but I really can't handle talking too much about it yet. I'm talking to my family for once.  If you were my family, you would know how shocking that is. I'm apparently dealing with things I haven't thought of in a veeeeery long time. (not violent or traumatic things, just so you know)  And apparently crying and feeling.  But that's another blog post.


  18. ive come to the conclusion that because of my years of solitude, ive turned into a sucky friend. as much as i want companionship, deep down im sabotaging it. I dont want to go out (sorta - if that makes sense). i make excuses and avoid social gatherings, for what? to stay couped up in my house alone? i hate being alone, but i guess deep down, i fear being with others as well. one individual, who for years i desperately tried to hold on to, has finally come back into my life (off and on), and i can clearly see her frustration and aggravation when i give an excuse about going somewhere. over the years i guess my anxiety got worse and i didnt realize it and now i dont know how to control it. I dont mind one on one things, but social things im struggling with, and I get the sense she doesnt want to be "stuck" with it just being me (hence the social gathering invite). Which i totally understand. 

    how does one overcome social anxiety by themselves? is that even possible? 

  19. Searchingforasoul
    Latest Entry

    Maggots are eating the crumbling husk I am as write. there is nothing within. I feel them crawling all over me.

    Nothing but emptiness inside. I’m dead. I’ve always been dead and there is now point continuing this meaningless pathetic existence. There seems to be no limit for self-hate and anger towards oneself. The emptiness just expands.

    I have no connection with anyone or anything anymore. even in the best of days I’ve rarely connected with anyone. If I ever do it’s taken away from me. Recently I did the severing myself through mindlessness and stupidity. I’m lonely most of the time even in company. Now I’m isolated. I think I've been gone for a long time now.

    I have no chance of purpose or meaning. I’m interested in nothing and little gives me pleasure. Nowadays nothing at all.  I’ve never been satisfied in my life. I ‘ve never known who I was. I’m a failure and a loser. I just want to be rid of this pointless life I don’t even like.

    Now I realize there is no one to know. No soul to seek. I am emptiness. Splintered pieces not entirely consious making no sense at all. There is no coherant whole.

    It’s over. this will probably be my last post. I don’t have the courage to do anything yet, but I’m getting there.

    Take care everybody. Try and do a better job than me. Find yourselves, find the meaning and happiness I never found.


  20. **********************************************************************Trigger warning - Discussing Suicidal Ideation***********************************************************************************************







    I have quite a few memories from my early childhood, probably because I sensed the gravity of the situations surrounding my parents' arguing, and their eventual divorce.  My mother took a job working nights, and I lived through the week with my grandparents.  The situation was tough, and made tougher because I couldn't understand why I had lost both my parents.  One memory from that time stands out to me now, knowing what I know now.  A lot of those memories make more sense now than they did at the time.  One in particular has me convinced that I have always had depression and anxiety.

    Like many kids, I liked climbing things.  I loved the mimosa tree (Albizia julibrissin) on the west side of my grandparents' house, because the two of the trunks grew straight up in an effort to reach for more sunlight over a maple tree a few feet away, but the one trunk facing north arched out until it was almost horizontal.  I would wedge myself between the trunks until I could climb onto that one almost horizontal trunk.  That tree is long gone now, but every kid should have a tree like that to climb.  To this day, I still love the ferny, lacy, acacia-like foliage, especially the way it folds up at dusk and "sleeps" at night, and the pink and white blooms that look like silky pom-poms.  I've never planted one myself because they're short lived, messy, and quite invasive around here, but they often catch my eye growing in the wild and occasionally in someone's yard.

    I also liked to climb on my grandpa's truck.  He was an avid coon hunter, so he always had a "dog box" in the bed from which he released his hounds in the woods.  I would often climb in the bed, and make my way around the dog box, sometimes by balancing like a tightrope walker on the bed rails, to reach the other side.  Once, I clearly recall almost falling, due to the sheer terror I felt in that moment.  Once I had regained my balance and made my way to the other end of the truck bed, it wasn't relief I felt.  I was still scared.  I hated that scared feeling, it wouldn't let me go even after reaching safety.

    So I prayed.  I prayed to God to please **** me instead of letting me get scared like that again.  I told God that I would rather die than feel scared like that again.  Obviously, God didn't accept my proposal. 

    I don't know why I thought that dying would be so much better than living with fear, since I was only three or four years old at the time.  I hadn't really come to grips with what death meant yet, as I can't recall anyone or anything that had died which had any emotional resonance with me.  I still wonder why I tried to make that bargain, why I would think at that age that death was better than living with the anxiety I was feeling.  It's made me wonder if the human mind is somehow hard wired to embrace death when overwhelmed by powerful emotions. 

    It would be over twenty years later that I was finally diagnosed with depression, and years later before I (and the medical community) realized that anxiety and depression were partners.  It helped me understand why I would lie awake the night before the first day of school, so afraid of what was coming tomorrow, even if I was just returning to the same school where I knew everyone.  A move to a new town would likewise inspire terror, and the first day at a new school was even worse.  I never reached out to play with other kids, it was always one of them being kind and reaching out to me.  Or not. 

    That's why I always wanted to grow up to be someone else.  Unfortunately for me, I didn't.


  21. My empire of dirt
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    While this is also something I put in my introduction to these forums, this is my first thoughts and what brought me to this place. So fitting as it should be my first blog entry. (Names in the have been changed for reasons.)


    Hi? Should I say hi? I don’t even know what I’m writing exactly. Or to whom. Should I start by saying my name? I think I’ll remain nameless for now. Why would it matter, no one is reading this. Or at least that is what I tell myself. I’m really uselessly hard on myself. Some people, like my husband, hate themselves for reasons. They hate themselves because, in his case, he has anger issues. Me, I just hate myself and am so critical of every aspect of my life. You know that phrase “you are your worst critic”, Yeah it’s not always true for everyone but it is for me. Geez, look at me just rambling from the start. Then again where to start?


    I’ve been dealing with depression for a lot longer then I realized. Even as I sit here, I struggle not to cry. Admitting this, even to a screen is so hard. We live in a world where if you have a problem; unless the world justifies it, you are weak. Having emotions, feelings or pain -physical or emotional- is a bad thing. If you acknowledge that you are in this case depressed, you should immediately change it. It doesn’t always work that way though. When I was younger I was diagnosed with clinical depression. I went through a lot when I was little, and honestly I don’t know why. I could try to pinpoint lots of things that happened in my life. We can just say I had a very complicated and difficult childhood. I’m not saying I had the worst, but that is something else in this world or country that is a problem. “There is always someone who has it worse.” Another phrase I have heard all too often. Just because someone else has it worse, doesn’t mean that what you are going through is insignificant. Back to what I was saying. After a while I think I either got better or just didn’t notice the feeling anymore. Which I mean, if I don’t notice that not better? Something else about depression, it comes and goes. You aren’t always depressed. But I think I forgot what it felt like to be depressed. I forgot what that sinking feeling in your stomach was, that emptiness in your chest, in your soul. I got so busy with life that I just thought I didn’t feel good.


    Now let me give you a little backstory. Not my life story; but more recently. I got married in 2010. I ended up dropping out of school: big mistake. But in life, mistakes are made. I went on to have 3 jobs in the span of a year. The first job was a scam, even doing illegal things. I got fired for being upset over the firing of another co worker for poor reasons. I was raised well, so that includes a good work ethic. Or maybe that just came from respecting people. So I was still going to do my job, but that wasn’t good enough I guess. So after that I had a seasonal job. It was great but only seasonal. It then took me 6 months to find another job. Here I had a not so great manager. I ended up hurting myself at work and they refused to file workmans comp. Then 2 days later I was fired. I didn’t work at very good places to start. Another 3 months went by before I could finally find another job, working at Walmart. There is plenty to tell about that but I’ll save it for another story. Lets just say retail sucks!


    All this leads me to my next part. I’ve now worked there for 4 years. Things were okay until shortly before Christmas last year. Earlier that year my great aunt had had a stroke. It was very hard on the family but we were getting through it. About a week before Christmas my mom lost the ability to walk. She went to the ER a couple days after it happened and they did an MRI, but didn’t do it of the right area. It took 2 months just to get her into a neurologist. He sent her to another MRI and it turned out she had a broken back. She had to have surgery. While all this is going on, my grandmother is going downhill as well. They lived together and now neither one could take care of each other. My grandma went through kidney failure, and it turned out that her heart medicine was hard on her kidneys while her kidney medicine was hard on her heart. Ouroboros. I had to be the one to take Power of Attorney over her. I’m an only child and her children were all disabled to some extent except for my uncle. He of course got furious when he found out she gave me PoA. Funny thing was, I had set up a family meeting and told him he needed to be there. He couldn’t because of work. Well ya know what, myself and my husband put our jobs on the line multiple times for my family. So he had no right to say jack. Now my grandmother is in a nursing home. I still don’t know what I’m doing. Fumbling in the dark. I work overnight at Walmart. It’s hard to do anything else, and I sure don’t make enough money to pay for any place better. Now we find out she has cancer in her kidney, back and lungs. All of this while my mother has back surgery, we have to suddenly move out of our apartment and into my mother’s tiny rented house. All while still trying to keep our jobs. It was hard. We did it and we are finally...settled. Somewhat. Still have a lot of work to go. Hell, we don’t even hardly have a place for our clothes. I’ve got a dresser but it isn’t nearly enough room. The closet is packed, the other rooms are packed with stuff. My mom sleeps in the living room now because that is the easiest place for a wheelchair. She is finally able to walk some. She is doing great. But ALL this I’m carrying almost alone. I have Rex, my husband but that isn’t always enough. He feels the weight to, so it’s like talking to yourself.


    Writing all this, maybe this is why I’m depressed. But I don’t want to just blame it on all this. Not that it matters. I keep hoping one day something will happen. Yeah I hope for some intervention, though I know it won’t come. I just wish it would, carrying all this is hurting me.


    You know that website GoFundMe. I even started one of those for my mom and our family. I don’t have a dad, my mom is disabled and we don’t have a lot of family. I reached out to the world and asked for help. My mom is an amazing woman. She is so strong. I tried to write an inspirational story, but everyone just saw it as me being lazy and wanting a handout. While yes I was asking for help, dang-it sometimes people need help. It went largely unnoticed. I didn’t and don’t understand how people can just not care about someone. Then someone else’s story comes along, generally involving that they have kids and everyone cares. Well ya know what, I’d love kids but I have Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome. I’ve tried but I can’t have kids. Not that I’d be able to handle that on top of everything else right now, but I love kids. Why do you have to have kids for people to take notice. No one cares about you unless you have children. Yes they are precious, but other people matter too. I talked to people at my job, they knew about it. And now a couple of weeks ago, someone else is having health trouble, while bad it is, everyone is rallying around him. There is a GFM page, they are taking donations at work for him. Saying things like “We’re a family here”, man where was that family spirit when I asked for help. Nowhere to be seen.


    I talk to myself a lot in my head, or rather I berate myself. I think something and then call myself stupid for thinking that. I criticize everything. Look at it how other people might see it or me. I didn’t realize I was depressed until two days ago. Then once I realized it, I started asking myself why I wasn’t fixing it. I don’t know how to fix it. I don’t know WHAT I’m depressed about. My life sucking, probably. Hating my job and the people I work with, most likely. Wanting to find another job, work during the day, another aspect. I want to have a life. But I can’t. I can’t tell people about this because they would just call me a baby, wussy, weakling. Which of course that would help right..? -sarcasm- I asked myself and Rex once I realized I was depressed...if I was bad for not “fixing it”. Is that a question someone should ask? I don’t think so. That sounds like someone who has been abused. But you want to know who abuses me the most? Myself. Someone offered me some anti depressants or Anti anxiety medicine last night. I told them it would be wrong and that I did want to go to the Dr, but I’m scared to. I don’t know how to talk to a Dr. I don’t know what to tell them. What do I just walk in and go, “Okay Doc, I’m feeling depressed..fix me?” I just feel stupid. And the sad thing is, when I told Rex that someone offered me meds his response was to tell me that pills wouldn’t fix it. So I asked if he would be opposed to me going to the Dr, of course he said no. I mentioned what he said before and he just said something along the lines of it wouldn’t be the only thing to fix it or something. So now I feel bad and weak for wanting to go to the Dr. I know he didn’t mean it that way, but I’m so lost. I have to keep making myself not break into tears and why, I don’t know! If I started crying, I wouldn’t know for what reason. That screws with me because I try to be so tough. I don’t want to be just a girl. I always want to prove I am more and I always fail.


    Now I’m just rambling. I don’t even know where this was going or what I hoped to accomplish by this. I wish I had people to talk to that didn’t cost $100 a session. Friends you may ask, I don’t have any. I have people I know, “friends”. I call them friends but they don’t really qualify as a real friend. My only real friend is Rex. But sometimes you need someone on the outside of your life, and I don’t have that.


    Thanks for listening.

    -Lost and Alone