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    • Lindsay

      A Reminder that we are a PG13 Site   12/09/2016

      Please keep in mind that NO content can be posted that is not PG13!  No sexual content and definitely not images which is not permitted in a post! We will delete it.  Not even memes or humorous images should be posted, if you want these forums to continue. NO IMAGES! If you want to post an image, post the URL pointing it to your gallery.  Again, Depressionforums.org is PG13!! Thank you~ ~Forum Admin  

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  • GSpolar

    Does it matter?

    By GSpolar

    What we do matters.   They are real souls, the 10 people who are watching DF, who are so scared of the stigma, imprisoned at 'home' to such a degree, or hurting so deeply.....10 are watching at any given moment for every 1 who dared to even sign up anonymously. If you read this, you probably have encouraged at least one person anonymously, with nothing to gain, just out of love.   And for every 1, there were really 10, check out 'Activity/All Users' to see for yourself.   How terrible is a disease that 10 are afraid to admit it for every 1 who does.....How valuable is even one note of encouragement, 1 genuine hug.  Multiply your hugs by 10........You're changing outcomes of life, you really are
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Our community blogs

  1. Natasha1
    Latest Entry

    Snowflakes on your nose, your hair

    Tickling them away

    In the icy air

     

    I drown in your eyes,

    Your snow cone treat

    Melting in your icy heat

     

    Kissing all the cold away

    In your arms, knowing

    It’s just the first day

     

    The sky is murky, clouds all aglow

    To keep the snow going

    Icy winds still blow

     

    But it doesn’t matter,

    I worry not

    The purifying snow clears my thoughts

     

    Some were so worried,

    They thought they knew

    But drowning is sweet and blissful too

     

    I look up laughing

    At the snow, so do you

    Thank you for the gift that is you

  2. ...not American football, real football! Man City vs Leicester City...GOOOOOAL JAMIE VARDY!! Get some of that, you blue b*****s!!!! :roll2: 

    Holy hell GOOOOAL KING!!!! Jeez this looks like the Leicester from last year!! 

  3. An entrepreneur never gives up. They believe in themselves and their ability to succeed. They face failures, and perhaps many of them, yet keep going. They stop at nothing. No obstacle they face will they allow to be their downfall. No obstacle is insurmountable. They find creative solutions to problems. They learn from their mistakes. They approach their endeavor with a trial and error mentality, they learn from the mistakes made and apply those lessons to do better next time. They consistently strive to improve their system, their approach and their process. They are persistent, determined and have high aspirations. They reach for the stars and go after their dream with full gusto. They are passionate about what they do. They believe in what they do. They can taste success and want it. They are enthusiastic. They throw themselves into their work with all their energy. They are positive minded people. They always see the positive side of things, the bright side of things, and the silver linings. They do not listen to naysayers or negative input. They ignore the negative people. When people say they can't, they say they CAN. They are also open minded and are willing to try new avenues. When something isn't working, they stop, they reassess and try another route. They listen to others' input and expertise. They do not pretend to know everything and are humble and willing to learn and grow.

    An entrepreneur's mindset can be applied as a general philosophy of life. This is how I approach my own life. I have an entrepreneur's mentality. I have been an entrepreneur. I failed miserably at making money, however, I learned a tremendous amount through trial and error and gained skills I did not previously own. So in my mind, my endeavor was a success.

    If we approach life as an entrepreneur does, we can and will be successful. It is guaranteed.


    "Be somebody nobody thought you could be."

    "Never, never, never give up."

    "Wake up with determination. Go to bed with satisfaction."

     

  4. The Dark Night is a poem by St John of the Cross from 16th century. 

    In essence it tells about the journey the soul makes to god. The journey itself is largely unknown and a leap of faith is necessary, in the sense that everything we know and feel comfortable with is to be left behind to get to the kindom of heaven.

    I don't believe in the abrahamic god and neither do I believe in it's concept of the after life. But as an allegory of individuation and a search for self I think the poem and the concept of "dark night" has it's place. 

    I don't believe we can escape the darkness within. It's a bit like running away from your shadow. It will always be there..and sometimes it envelopes you. But the trick is to change perspective and suddenly the darkness, shadow, is behind you. It will always be there with you, but you can control it's place or at the very least one can accept that sometimes it's there regardless what you do and it can be controlled again.

    It's the hardest thing to do, to come to terms with your shadow. But I believe that if you can, if.you can integrate the darkness with the essence that is you, it's easier to find purpose in life. And with purpose comes satisfaction and happiness too.

    Perhaps.

     

     

  5. chickapea
    Latest Entry

    This is so hard. Looking back, I think it has taken me just over a year to come down from being on 300 mg of Effexor. 

    And today, after being off of it for 3 months, I've started on 50 mg Pristiq. I think I felt a bit strung out and spacey about 3 hours after taking it this morning, but other than that I haven't noticed any real side effects today, which is great. 

    It's been a really tough three months. I've been so miserable, so sensitive and irritable. Bursting into tears all over the place. Feeling that terrible weight and shuffling to work, back home to bed, and back to work again. No energy. No enjoyment. Just struggling. I thought maybe I was turning a corner this week, maybe, but I'm not confident enough. And work has been so stressful, and that's not going to change. No, for now I think I just need to accept that I need that little bit of help. 

  6. Demonpenz
    Latest Entry

    I need to meditate on my breaks and use my time as my most important resourse. If you died what would you differently. Sense of urgency. 
    Take it all ideas. Make sure you use a G2 and nice journal. Start keeping a journal at al times so you can get better and 
    capture all ideas. Take notes everywhere and etch. Get the mental effort to get the journal and the picture clear as possible.
    Make sure you take notes. Focus is important. You focus on what is awesome. The most valuable resource is time.
    Don't spend it on bulls***. I am trying to get 999 billion dollars. I am trying to get the most chedder possible. I want to help
    other people. My mission is to make 999 billion dollars #1 player of all time. Top of the food chain. Leader. Time management Browser black out.
    Waste time. Browser black out. Need to do a better job to not have browser blackout. I trust that if I do this. I need to meditate on my breaks.

    Long term goals 1 year 999 billion dollars year 5 1 trillion dollars year 10 2 trillion dollars 20 year 3 trillion dollars. Inspire the heart and the soul.
    Fishing. Bass boat. All fishing. Become a master fisherman. Own a Nascar team or a racing team. You have to dream. Mansion like the playboy mansion.
    Playmates of all races as girlfriends. The best athlets as my friends and I can coach them. Chiefs KC Sporting KC tickets HALL OF FAME BOWLER.
    Mercedez Benz two suv's Buick Grandnational

    Short Range goals. To meditate on my breaks. Work hard. Build batches be passionate. This weekend walk 5 miles a day. Don't eat and lean up. Work 
    so hard I am miserable. Play the lottery everyday. You have to spend money to make money. Stick to it. A breakthrough is right around the corner. You
    show God you won't quit with this 999 billion he will be like alright dooty ere you go. Do whatever it takes. If it takes reading I will read
    if it takes me starving my starving myself I will do. I know one day it will be worth it. If I have one good day it can turn into two days. Fat people put sleep over
    working out. Fat people put lots of over working out. Poor people put lots of before making money.

  7. Jalen
    Latest Entry

    I feel so unstable. I feel so blank and empty, but anything can set me off. I realize that my emotions are just barely being held in, locked away. They could flood in and make me a mess anytime, as they so often do. They are barely being held back and it's getting harder and harder to keep them from getting out. When they come out, I am left unprepared and lost. I can't take this, I am always worried.

    The tears tear through me.

    I just don't know how to keep all of them in, but I guess I must find a way.

     

    Just wanted to get what I've been thinking about out, in my mess of a blog.

  8. anita_123
    Latest Entry

    I actually contemplated writing this blog post because my past blogs are more of the positive note and I was hoping to keep it that way so that people can enjoy reading it or hopefully laugh.

    I have trouble sleeping. I don't think I have insomnia but I actually am scared of sleeping. I know it seems weird because many would say ooooh how i wish i could sleep and never wake up and yeah agreed but the process of falling asleep is so hard for me especially when I am just lost. Even with less than 6 hours of sleep, I can't seem to sleep until I reach a point where I HAVE to sleep. The thing is that, I have been feeling this way since i was in secondary 3, and I could remember how restless and tired I was and nobody could understand why I felt that way. This problem doesn't help out my skin either and I have been breaking out more than I did during the exams, lol. 

    I'm not sure what is keeping me awake. I've googled many methods on falling asleep and most of them just made me stay awake even longer. It's currently 5am and I am wide awake. The worst thing is when I have plans later on and I don't want to be groggy and cranky. Well, also my brain is extremely active during these timings where I reflect where I've gone wrong. I actually regret 90% of the things I say. I even have the urge to delete most of my blog posts because I sound so immature and obnoxious but I haven't figured out how to do that yet and I'm too lazy to find out. 

    I just can't sleep and I don't know why I am afraid of closing my eyes. I don't want to sleep only when I'm extremely exhausted to the point that I barely have the energy to move. 

    And no, I don't drink tea or coffee. Coffee makes me feel like I have a panic attack anD I AM NOT IN FOR THAT JUST TO STAY AWAKE. I feel so dead, lol (yet i can still joke around waDDUP TALENT NO. 9) 

    I honestly do not want to stay up until the afternoon like no pls no. 

    oK TO END THAT PATHETIC NOTE 

    here's a poem that i wrote

    camels have feet

    i have feet

    we have feet

    dogs have feet

    i want to sleep

    meep meep meep

    i want to take a leap

    to the toilet seat

    and make a niiiiiiiiiiiiiceeeeeeeeee s***ty

    This is what u called a basic no-talent poem that I literally thought in seconds, trying to rhyme stuff. I always see people write poems and its AMAZING. The vocabulary and the way they use metaphors/similes to express their emotions like goddaaaaaamn my english is  but hey i tried!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

    pls don't judge and thanks

    OH AND IS IT A CRIME TO POST 2 ENTRIES IN A DAAAAAAAY SOMEONE CALL THE COPS BC ANITA THE REBEL JUST ENTERED THE CAAAAAAAAVE.

     

  9. The reason my blog is called "I Think" is because that is the root of all my problems.  Well my depression/anxiety at least.  I'm not saying this to brag, but although I'm not formally educated, I have a pretty high IQ.  I think that the majority of people on here probably do too.  It's us thinkers who get into trouble.  We just think too much.  I think the less intelligent people, the simple people, are probably much happier in life.  Because they aren't stuck in their heads.  

    We think we can think our way out of depression, when it's our very thoughts (negative) that are keeping us stuck.  We wallow in the mud that we create in our minds, and we wonder when it's going to get better.  Well it's not going to get better by wallowing in it.  Our negative thoughts and negative self-talk are bad habits.  I am so very guilty of this.  I'm constantly monitoring my mood, constantly comparing myself to other people and thinking I'm coming up short.  I see others here all doing the same thing.  Thinking is bad.  If only we could completely switch off our minds and take a break from the constant stream of thoughts.  

  10. allalone6
    Latest Entry
    do you ever feel like you worked so hard to protect yourself from others that you no longer know how to interact with others? I feel like ive put a wall up for so long and have gone such a long period of time with no friends or social interactions that now when im around others, im still quiet, awkward and insecure/uncomfortable in the situation. part of me is afraid to act like myself and part of me is afraid to let them in. i feel like im stuck and broken.
     
    i feel like i ruined myself in my efforts to protect myself. 
  11. MESS

    • 169
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    Recent Entries

    Natasha1
    Latest Entry

    Tick Tock

    My body’s clock

    Numbers down

    Instead of up

     

    Tick tock, tick tock

     

    Not knowing when

    And that’s ok

    My time will come

    I hope painfully someday

     

    And thankfully

    it will be

    Painful

    all along the way

     

    Tick tock, tick-tick tock

     

    I want to go

    The way he did

    No guarantees

    So control I bid

     

    Tick  tock, Tickety tock

     

    Know what to do

    To make me new

    No one notices

    My face’s dead hue

     

    Tickety tock, tickety tock

     

    Control is all I have you see

    And when I’m dead

    I’ll have punished me

     

    Tickety tickety tickety tock

     

    Control is what I know for sure

    Slow, self-induced death is

    What I must endure

     

    Control

    Control

    Control

     

    Tickety tickety tock tick-tock

     

    It’s not the numbers either, though

    A very nice side effect:

    In the wind, I’ll blow

     

    Control is making it so slow

    And this is good

    My suff’ring *I* sew

     

    Tickety tickety tick-tick tick-tock

     

    Tick Tock

    My body’s clock

    Numbers down

    Instead of up

     

    For there is a debt

    That can’t be paid

    So in the ground

    I must be laid

     

    Tickety………………………………………..

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    Recent Entries

    MayRyan
    Latest Entry

    I feel terrible.

    I have two tests today and 3 funal exams next week and i just cant handle the pressure.

    I have been thinking about hurting myself so much i cant get anything done. I just want to die. I dont even want to feel better anymore i just want to not feel anything. to not feel like such a failure. And mental health is so much work. I am afraid my therapist is disappointed in my because i can never get anything done. and i cant. and she should. 

    And then there is the disconnect. i cant connect to anyone, I've been trying to get out and socialize a lot in the past months and it just leaves me feeling either ignored or worse like am bothering people. I cant be an island. but the expectations i place on myself are drowning me. 

    Then! we have the phenomenon where everything feels like cardboard (is this derealization?) and i just feel so dang empty and valueless and i think that makes the world feel empty but i don't know what to do because i have been doing everything i should be doing and that's just lead me here.

    I cant focus on anything and i am so afraid of failure I cant calm my mind enough to remember any of the things I've supposed to have learned. On top of this i have missed the past 10 classes in this topic because i couldnt leave the house.

    I'm not sure if i should even be going back to school next semester is I do for some reason make it through this one. Everything I do just makes me feel worse, but i really like talking in this forum, even if it sometimes feels just like I am yelling into the abyss. 

    I just want to make it past New Years... then is this keeps up i might go back to the hospital...I think i have a psychiatrist appointment before then but the doc will probably just brush me off again.

    great, now i'm crying. I wish I wasn't so torn. It sure would be nice to not struggle for once. I know everything thats worth having is worth working for but I just can't help not wanting anything. I don't know whats wrong with me. 

    I can't emphasize how much I am struggling here. I need to talk to someone, but all of my friends are busy and responses here are few and far between. I feel like i have nothing to offer. this blog is a mess.

    I need to make the following changes:

    • see about getting part time benefits for next semester.
    • look into getting back into exercise.
    • get something submitted for all my projects, even partial marks are still marks.

    lets see where this gets me

     

  12. Life's about to get a whole lot more lonely now that my partner is training on the new job. He starts a nine-to-six routine as from Monday; right after Christmas he'll be put on the shift roster. I really need to find a way to fill  the empty, endless hours that stretch ahead without resorting to sleeping. Sleep is my new escape as of late.

    My Valium supply finished last night; I've been taking it mainly to reduce my bruxism. I somehow managed to stay on just 5mgs daily for two (or maybe three?) weeks with a significant improvement. That said, my tolerance for the drug started creeping in a few days ago and now I'm back to my old self, forever clenching my teeth, 5mgs or not. Last night's grinding was so bad I woke up with a headache and this morning ti feels like I'm wearing a f***ing muzzle. Part of me is glad I'm coming off them because whenever the (emotional) numbness sets in it feels heavier than usual. 

    I needed to buy some groceries this morning so I took the route through the derelict park.  Most of the cats were hiding away from the wind and the drizzle so there was't much to see. I entertained myself with watching tree branches swinging to and forth. One of the older trees had a pan of white paint thrown at its thick bark; it looked like a giant had jizzed all over it. I blame the cocktail of pills I'm on for musings of such kind.

    My partner's mother just dropped by with a bottle of Bailey's; she's oblivious to the fact that I'm a recovering alcoholic. I've hidden it in a cabinet and I'm willing myself to stay the **** away from it. Bailey's gives you runs like no other when you hit it hard. I've hit every drink you can think of hard, excluding Black Absinthe. I always drew a line at that for some reason. But enough about ****ing drink already because it's triggering me worse than that f**king bottle in that f***king cabinet.

    I'm dying to just have one tot, but's NEVER one tot with me. And yet I'm still counting the hours left before my partner gets home to see if I can have a pi** up without getting caught.

    **** it. 

    One tot it is. 

    I don't give a ****.

    _____________________________________

    I have my 'tot' which is actually a whole f***ing teacup. Whoops. 

    Alcohol will always be my drug of choice. It's soothing (until you start crying and/or throwing up). 

    And that's my one and only 'tot' down the hatchet. No more now. It won't be long before it interacts with the garden shrub, the lamotrigine, the fluoxetine and the Valium and I'll be nicely sedated for larger part of the rest of the day.


    ______________________________________

     

    Who is this and why is she doing this?

    Zoning out started at a young age. My earliest memory of it was when I was around eight; I was bored (or so I thought then; I now recognise I was actually feeling numb) in class so I stood up and started slamming my palms onto the seat of  my rickety school chair. It was so, so unlike me because even then I made a special effort to fade into the background.

    As I smacked my hands on the splintering plywood I felt like I was watching myself do so outside of myself - kind of like an out-of-body experience. When I was duly punished for it (I was made to copy some dumb sh1t off a book) I kept on thinking "Why am I being punished when I wasn't actually doing that? Or was I? Was that me? Then why didn't it feel like me?"

    That's a feeling that's plagued me all my life. I have no idea who I am. If you asked me how I'd honestly describe myself in three words the best I could give you is "nihilistic, useless and bored". But I probably wouldn't give you those; I'd give you something you'd like to hear. Something like "altruistic, independent and proactive." I can sell myself well. I can sell you whatever the f**k you want me to sell you so long as you like it. 

    When I was discussing the possibility of me having borderline personality disorder with my mother she recounted how me switching between multiple accents depending on who I was talking to would freak her out when I was younger.

    One time I asked her if floor tiles die.

    Another time I climbed onto the balcony ledge and looked over. I wasn't sure why I did it but I figured I was probably still too young to die and got the f**k down. My head buzzed for hours later; a natural high of sorts. It was the first time I'd felt alive in a while. 

    I was nine years old. I was a strange child. 

  13. ArnoldJRimmer
    Latest Entry

    the beast beyond the silvered plane.  I just want to punch that reflection and make it bleed.

  14. DeeBear
    Latest Entry

    I started reading a memoir of a writer's struggle with depression this evening, and it's having an effect on me.  On the one hand, I have trouble relating to the lifestyle of someone who jets to Paris to receive an award, but on the other hand, it's discouraging because if he could do this, why can't I get off my arse and do something with my life, too?  Then again, he had a temporary bout with depression, but I've struggle with it all my life.

    Yeah, I'm not buying that excuse either, and I made it up. 

    I just wish I could slowly fade into nothing, forgotten by the few people who remember me, leaving no trace that I ever existed.  Hell, I'm not so sure I really exist.  Maybe I'm a figment of my own imagination.  Then again, if I was going to make somebody up, he wouldn't be as screwed up as I am.  He'd be everything I'm not.  Instead I'm stuck being me.  I'm not even very good at that.

     

  15. Today was my first day at a new job. I like it a lot more then I did my old job. I don't know if it's me or all the going on inside my head, but I am not as happy as I should be. I do care but I don't care if I ever go back. I am the worst person when it comes to my health. I don't like myself enough to do anything about it. For those ask why not? Do you help your enemies, do you help people you don't like. I am my own enemy. I don't want to help him. I can't help myself without helping him. I look in the mirror and see him I want to break the mirror or window reflection. 

  16. Hey Uncle Polar, what is a heart attack?

    Dunno, but I hear its like an elephant sitting on your chest.  Call for help.

     

    What is a hernia?

    Dunno, but I hear its like an elephant kicking you in the groin, night and day, for 3 months straight.

     

    What is paranoia?

    Dunno, but I hear it feels like an elephant laughing into your ear about your inadequacies, totally ignoring your talents that everyone but you can see.  He was actually snickering at you about how funny you looked taking oversized elephant kicks to the groin, but you take it much more personally.  On a deeper level, there never was, in fact an elephant.  People dream them up to sink the ships in their life, all to prevent the 1 in 5000 chance that the ships would have sunk themselves, same odds as having your groin removed preemptively will save you from testicular cancer someday.  I’ll take my chances.

     

    What is schizophrenia? 

    Dunno, but I hear it is like one elephant whispering bad advice in one ear, and another elephant blasting an amplified trunkful of equally lousy advice into the other ear, when the whole time your subconscious mind knew exactly what to do, had you zipped your pie-hole until your naturally brilliant thoughts were clear, achievable by taking a long walk while breathing deep, natural air.  Oh wait, I’ve just described meddling relatives.  Recommended solution is earplugs over Christmas holidays, long walks, and not giving a sh**t what anybody thinks.

     

    What is depression like?

    Well I know that one kid ……

    Well aren’t ‘cha gonna say something?

    No, that’s what depression is like.  Its nothing, forever, now sit here chained to a pile of sinking nothing for what seems like 6 months per night.  I really fear it, kid.  Friends and freedom and exercise.  They are always there … in more colorful forms, on inconvenient terms, you take on their pain and wear it on your chest, more than you expect, but why ruin the moments of really feeling alive with expectations? … be yourself and guard them and love them.    

     

    What is love like?

    The most complex ailment that every one must learn the hard way.  You will find no other terminal disease other than this one that pleases no one, destroys every one, yet everyone wants, even after being through it.  I’m just as dumb as anybody … Oh yes, it was like an elephant sticking one foot on my groin and another crushing my lungs for leverage, only to rip my heart out through my chest.  Mission accomplished.  

     

    Yeah I see that hole in your chest, but why then do you have a heartbeat?

    New pain makes water and music taste better

    ... I don't understand what you mean Uncle ...

    You will.

     

    Here kiddo, I brought a 1 minute video summarizing love:

     
     
  17. So, DBT will end soon.

    Boy, does a year fly by or what...

     

    I am getting the impression not only DBT is ending, but also the counseling in general.

     

    It almost feels as if DBT has provided me with the tools to handle this festive season, the visit to my country and family, the social time, the creating of memories.

    It prepped me for a year to deal with a lot of stress at once.

    This holiday will be amazing. I am terrified of going, but I have accepted now that it is happening and I might as well look forward to it.

     

    And then after, once back home here and closing 2 chapters at once, I will find a way to say good bye or to start a new chapter.

     

     

     

     

     

     

  18. Gisele's

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    Recent Entries

    Gisele
    Latest Entry

    Dear Santa,

    Hard to know what I want this year.

    But I'll give it a lash.

    I think I'm alright for material needs but if I lapse into a style coma and suddenly want a pair of patent leather pixie points, I'll get back to you. Therapeutically, I think I also ok. She is very good at her job and I'm feeling the tangible benefits of this long sustenance, though that isn't always apparent from one visit to the next. Spirituality might be a grey area but since that is a journey without end I, similarly, can't imagine you cobbling up something Vatican gift-shop style with anything like a straight face. I think my soul might also be off-limits. It isn't that I don't shop it around both Poles but its custody is shared by one...two...three....many other people. They might have to write to you, collectively, on my behalf.

    But

    There is one thing you could do

    I'll have AMNESIA. Thanks. For the awfuller bits. All <insert giant number> of them.

    So, if you breathe in a deep, deep lungful of this life-giving condition and blow it down my chimney, I'll give you something back: a very careful, very precise, very loving, very close, superfine shave with an old-fashioned razor. To finally get that s*** off your face. So I can plant a big, big, super-grateful smooch on your rosy, red cheek. Usually, this presages other things but you have a reputation to maintain.

    Thanks Santa

    You're ace!

    P.S. Lucy has gotten right around you. Her good behaviour is a matter of some conjecture ;)

    P.P.S. Need some mood music to get all creative and make this happen? Go here...

     

     

  19. So I had made a major mistake this past week. This mistake has now put me so far behind on my bills I have no way of recovery. So I am finalizing some things. I will talk to my roommate weds when we both will be home, he will need to either find a roommate or move to another apartment if he cannot afford the one we are in. I literally put myself back nearly $2000 behind instead of the $750 or so I was behind. I will live out of my vehicle for a few months at most to have to pay him back what I owe for the bills then I am gone. No more of this bulls*** to deal with any more I am tired of never making the right decisions or getting any kind of breaks. There is hitting one's breaking point then there is blasting past that point.

    I have also hit that point at work. I understand the situation the store has and sometimes you have to deal with people you normally would not typically work with. But today they literally made me sick, I got a migraine and was throwing up half the day. Tomorrow I will call the hr department and demand they switch me to another store.

     

  20. No1Cares
    Latest Entry

    I don't know what to do. My small apartment is a royal mess and I have no motivation to clean it. I want to, but I just look at everything and go, "I don't feel like it." The only thing I can keep up with is taking the trash out with doing the dishes a close second. I don't do my dishes as much as I probably should. I usually rinse them and put them in the sink. I have a fear of getting mice in my apartment which is probably why I can keep up with the trash and to an extent, the dishes.

     

    I don't want to be like this, but it's gotten so overwhelming that I don't know where to begin. I haven't been taking my meds for most of the summer. my mood seems fine, I just have no ambition. No ambition and the fact that I find it extremely difficult to get rid of things. I'm not a full blown hoarder, I can get rid of a lot of things, but stuff like clothing I have a hard time with. I have a few boxes of Christmas gifts from the past few years that I had no use for, but they are still sitting in my bedroom. My uncle has a tendency to get me a ton of things I have no use for. I've tried, I have asked him just to get me gift cards since they will be more useful. But he doesn't listen, so I just accept them with a smile and stuff them into a corner in my room. I mean really, a whoopie pie pan. He knows I don't bake. 

     

    I have a three day weekend and I'm going to try to clean some of my bedroom. At least get all my clothing organized. Wish me luck that I can start and keep it going till it's clean. 

  21. I'm registering for college again. Now I'm in the system, but I haven't signed up for any classes.

    I'm doing this because I'm being told to.

    If it were up to me, I wouldn't be doing this. I'd be back in my bed, covers pulled up to my neck with my laptop on my stomach. Like how I've been doing it it for the past year and a half.

    But I'm hounded by family that I have to, no, NEED to do it. The world will collapse if I take another year off. Apparently. They ask me what my plans are, I say "Animation." They ask me what my backup plan is, I say "Forensics." They ask me what degree I want, I say "AA." They ask me if I plan on staying in the city, I say I'm transferring out to another school further south. I'm saying what they want to hear. I'm doing what they want me to do. I'm doing this because I don't want to hear them ask any more questions, and that I have proof that I'm doing said actions.

    When I went with my family to go see that Moana movie, we stayed to see the credits. My aunt pointed to the screen and shouted that my name was going to be in that credit roll in the future. I set their expectations too high.

     

    I relate to this song that I've been listening to for months on end now. It's called Lost Time Memory. It's part of an online song/story series. This song is about a boy who, after his happy-go-lucky best friend suddenly commits suicide, retreats into his bedroom and drops out of school. He can't fathom why his friend did it and the memory haunts him for days, because he thinks he could have done something to prevent it. He continues to spiral downward until he too ends his life.

    Well that's one part of it. The song itself is about other things that go on in the story but that specific part hits home. He and I were star students with high grades. After certain traumatic incidents, we both shy away from the world, locking ourselves in our bedrooms and stare at computer screens all day. We're even the same age.

    I can't say more since I'm too groggy to type, but that's the basic gist of it.

  22. The pictures, the videos, everything floating on social media. It's all too much. To see the aftermath of the fire damage to a one beautiful and calming place. It's breaking me inside. I found peace there. It was my oasis. My home away from home. My friend lost her house, my other friend's family lost their farm and their animals. People have still not been recovered. I feel helpless and lost. Why did this have to happen? I don't know what else to say other than this is too much. I have so much to say in my head but not enough out loud. Just please, continue to pray. 

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