• Announcements

    • Lindsay

      Depression Forums Are Back Online!   02/09/2016

      Hello Members! Please understand that this upgrade was huge and is a process that will be ongoing for a tad longer. Somethings may not seem 'right' or look a bit 'strange' at the moment, such as your profile page or "Quotes" etc.. Some things may not work as expected... for the time being, but please appreciate that we have to prioritize function over appearance. Eventually DF will all come together and be wonderful! It will be as if nothing had ever changed... Tomorrow we will have a Forum set up for members to answer any questions that you may have about the upgrade. We really appreciate all of your feedback! Your Forum Administrators


Our community blogs

  1. allalone6
    Latest Entry

    nothing like realizing how alone you are when you look forward to writing in your pathetic blog only to find out the one place you can turn to is off.


  2. Gisele's

    • 2
    • 0
    • 20

    Recent Entries

    Latest Entry

    Saw a show on TV called Doomsday Preppers. It was that bad it was actually good for the ten minutes that I thought it was all a bit of a pi**-take. It got better after that ;)

    See, these people are super-serious about the end of the world. There was Clint or Ricky Bobby or whatever from Oklahoma, his equally crazy wife and his three kids slowly but surely being henpecked into madness. More worryingly were the po-faced, camo-clad tradies building them all a bunker for them to die in slowly should Putin or Hillary Trump or the little Korean blowfish or somebody sees what happens when you press the Red Button.

    I may be wayyyy out on my own here but if that day ever comes I want the bomb to land on right my head. That’s gotta be better than the alternative. And better than the other alternative; that is, spend years working yourself into enough of a lather that you find comfort in peeling off 50k for a hole to hide without noticing the fatal flaw of venting it to outside air!? If I was this paranoid, I think I’d be a little more invested in the rudiments of nuclear science.

    I shouldn’t laugh because there needs to be a forum for these people. A bunker of sorts, you might call it, with the light of reasonable hope at the end of it. And no threat of the neighbours rifling around the gloom of a nuclear winter for some steel cutting equipment and ****ing up this coffin for everyone. And fewer scars for their children.

    I said to Alex, once we roused ourselves from a dumb, awestruck sort of silence, that we should pass a hat around to raise money to see how far these people can go. For our enduring amusement. Nah, I didn’t really say that. I did say that I’m almost relieved that my problems and nightmares are based on real, actual things….that actually happened….that could conceivably happen to a good many people.

    And I am.

    I just know I’m going to regret saying that the next time I wake up after a flashback.


  3. Hello again.

    This time wanting to quit Faverin because I strongly feel it has been 'masking' my character for so long.. and when you are 'under' in that state, it is so hard to tell the different which is the real you.

    Interesting part is that, you are there, but emotions are kept under - somewhat kept away from the world. You only feel them at minimal or sometimes even nothing.

    I am willing to brace the depression and anxieties.. but I think this 4th time weaning off Fluvoxamine/Faverin may just be the charm as I am older, wiser (together with experience) and have much more research and knowledge on hand.

    I have been supplementing particularly with B-Complex and Zinc to help me cope as I decrease my dosage.

    It is a trying process..because part of me wants to move on with Life so badly (I am not working now) and part of me is SO determined to work out the weaning off process, the dosages, as I track my daily progress and also keep healthy while experiencing the subtle changes.

    Now at 162.5mg for the first time since 2016.. after being roughly about 2 weeks at 175mg... I do feel a subtle difference, like i can sense me now.

    Perhaps I may have to stay at 162.5mg or 150mg i dont know - but I'm hoping if all works out well and I find an alternative medication for adhd (which I suspect I have but havent been treated for because I may have a rare sub-type that doctor's may not have come across or know how to spot or treat)

    Otherwise it really is OCD-pure O ruminations that even caused me to believe that I have Adhd out of the numerous worries. I am tougher and stronger now but am sick of feeling weak from Faverin all the time. Even the Adhd symptoms of lack of focus and forgetting things may have been a result of taking Faverin - so I want to give myself a chance to live. To move on and do the things that matter to me.

    Motivation seems a chore for sure, if Adhd is really the case, because the lack of dopamine can prevent any continuation of recall of important projects and takes away any initial drive at the start to complete the tasks at hand.

    This is where I want to explore further with Wellbutrin, which I didnt get the chance to fully experience in the past.

    L-Tyrosine helps a little at the start but I find myself feeling 'wired' and numb toward the later part of the day on it.

    Will remove it for now and remain with B-Complex and the other supplements.

  4. samdiva
    Latest Entry

    I am starting a new chapter of my life. I start my job today...

    new place... new environment... new boss... new almost everything...

    I had thought that all this change would help me feel better... make me hopeful for new possibilities...

    But life does not give you what you want...

    I am still stuck in the same old cycle in my head...

    still getting hurt by and hurting my bf...

    still doing just the bare minimum to survive...

    still have no zeal for anything... even the things which once made me feel good...

    still distancing myself from everyone coz i still don't see the point in doing anything anymore....

    I really just want to feel some kind of warmth or fulfillment... in anything....

  5. qwerty21
    Latest Entry


    Months now I've been planning my trip. That has kept me from being depressed, the hope that there is something better, something to look forward to. Now there was a thing that my supposed future landlord is not perfectly honest regarding the apartment, so that made me really scared and I started doubting whether the trip is a good idea or not so I started bawling cos it occurred to me that my life is complete ###### and it's very likely not gonna get better.

  6. Orso
    Latest Entry

    I hope this is a transient thing and not a new long dip in the depression pool.

    I need to do some meditating today to sort myself out and prop myself up a bit.

    wish me well!

  7. I spent yesterday in bed. Partly because I had a fever and chills, and partly because I felt like giving up. My boss as much as told me that he wouldn't have hired me if he had been at the company when I was hired. He is dismissive of me in general, never listens to my input, and is sarcastic when he does. I think it's time to find another job. But I just don't feel the confidence. On the same day, someone else told me that I was only at my job because "I was in the right place at the right time". I think she was speaking out of jealously because she has a degree, I don't, and I have a better job.

    I wouldn't be where I was if SOMEONE didn't believe in me all these years? But all it takes is for one person to dismiss me and I feel completely worthless.

    Most of the time I feel inferior anyway. I once threw a party in middle school and NOBODY CAME. My life has been a series of trying to make things happen so I can be "like other people" but what happens is second-rate. My own wedding was a joke. I had no bridesmaids, no bridal shower, no big reception, just a gathering in a lodge with no music and no catering (my mother and sisters cooked) and I made the centerpieces myself. I had a baby at 17, years and years ago, and to my son's father and his family I am a dirty little secret that has been covered up for decades. How do you suppose that makes me feel?

    I could go on and on, but I just don't have the words anymore. I feel like an impostor in my own life. I feel like strangers look at me and they can see everything that is wrong in me right off the bat. I've always felt that way. How do you keep going when you feel like that?

    • 1
    • 0
    • 2

    Recent Entries

    Latest Entry

    I am so scared got a new manager and things are changing I took a job of checking things in. At work I am happy about it and feel that I can do it. But when I get home my anxiety kicks in and I am scared to death.

    Am I going to be happy?

    Can I do it right?

    Am I going to be stressing over it?

    Everyone I talk to they say I can do it and take the job. The biggest thing is it will be easyer on my body

    I am so scared what if they say its not working and they lay me off?

    I am crying I dont know what to do?

    I have to talk to Dave and hope he understands and that I will put 100% into it but if it dont work I want to go back to tools and back room or help linda.

    Why does my anxiety get to me so bad. I pray everyday that i will be happy at work and maybe this is Gods way of giving me peace at work. Is this what I have been asking for?

    I feel like I have to try it. But like I said If it would go south I still need my job.

    I just cant wait to talk to dave and hope he understands and will work with me

  8. Phantastic Mirage
    Latest Entry

    I'm sad because I've realized how unhappy I am from my lack of confidence outside of my job. No wonder I work so much...with the exception of today because of snow. But, if I weren't trying to patch things up with the husband, I probably would have stayed in that hotel to work. I still really love my job, but, I'm also becoming increasingly aware of how much I hate my life outside of that. Actually, my life is pretty great...it's just not having anything to focus on makes my mind think about all the things I hate about myself. Lack of general confidence, I'm still fat, can't find a hobby that my husband will agree to.

    I'm thinking of talking to him about going back to the gym...with a trainer. I was happy, seeing results, I was thinner, stronger, sleeping well...*sigh* I remember being super happy with my progress. Why can't I have that again? Ugh, expensive piece of ######..and I always have trouble staying to a schedule. I guess cause I can't be lazy outside the house. I NEED that kind of activity for me to workout. Can't just workout at home..don't have that mentality no matter how hard I try.

    I hate myself. I am SO unhappy with myself.. Why is everything revolved around his fear of spending?

    Okay. Let's think for a moment. I already know what his issue is with money. The real question is..what would make me happy??? I don't know!!! Why can't I still figure this out??

  9. I'm in a spherical room, with on it's inner surface a night sky with a multitude of stars. I learn that this room was made at the initiative of a bunch of doctors who took care of the funding. I ask them from which point of view do we see the stars. They tell me that it's an approximation of the Earth's point of view.


    Stars: personal destiny

    I'm following a destiny made and literally funded by my father, who happens to be a doctor in rl.

    The sphere evokes an egg, immaturity.

    I live in a fake world, an approximation of adult life. I'm not following my own destiny, but an approximation of it, designed by my father.

  10. Yeah, I know what you're thinking --- "She's really quoting a Hozier song?"

    First of all, of course I am. Hozier is brilliant despite what people say. Just because he's popular does not make him a ###### artist. Get yourselves together, people.

    In any case, that lyric has never been more pertinent to my situation then it has now. Since I have broken-up with my (now) ex-boyfriend, I have suddenly opened my eyes to all of the new opportunities around me. Specifically the fact that I go to a university with over 55,000 undergraduate students and there are a lot of interesting and attractive people strolling through the campus on a day-to-day basis.

    On Monday's I am crazy about the aspiring Doctor who sits next to me in tutorial.

    On Tuesday's I am crazy about the Iranian guy who is so massively tall and beautiful that keeps looking at me in lecture.

    On Wednesday's...well, Wednesday I don't have classes. So Wednesday's I just fantasize.

    On Thursday's I am crazy about the guy who is afraid to smile.

    On Friday's I am crazy about the guy with a half-sleeve tattoo but that I don't like when he comes to class high. But on the days that he is sober, I do like him.

    I know this seems strange, but I feel like a kid in a candy store. All of these mesmerizing new people that are ripe for the picking, and I am completely defenceless against them. I like fantasizing about these men and feeling my stomach jump and dance at the thought of them. Each day gives me something to look forward to, another possibility just at the tips of my fingers. I don't think it is wrong for me to have these fantasies. I think it would be a different thing if I was actively seeking them out, but I'm not.

    I have just gotten out of a four year relationship, and before him I hadn't seen anyone in a few years. So it's been awhile that I've really been able to get out on the field and meet a bunch of new people with endless possibilities.

    To be honest, out of all the guys that I am secretly crushing on, I really like the guy on Tuesday. The others make me happy just to stare and fantasize, but the guy on Tuesday does something entirely different to me. I want nothing more than to go on a few dates with him and get to know him better, but my lack of courage really plays a key role in doing so.

    I don't know where this blog was headed, oh well.

    • 4
    • 1
    • 4

    Recent Entries

    Latest Entry

    I'm starting to come to grips with my cultural...issues. I've been exposed to many cultures and subcultures, and I feel like...a psychological minority. I feel like I stand at the intersection of several minority groups, to borrow the language of the theories I try to wade through on a daily basis.

    I don't know where my first loyalty lies.

    I'm just not at home with many of the elements of modern American education. I'm going to go ahead and apply to the foreign grad schools I was thinking about. (I haven't yet only because it's so much more of a hassle.) I often feel like I need a much more traditional sort of approach, even though I do not want a more conservative social culture. In my experience here in the US, social conservatism tends to fear/hate education and intellectualism, anyway. I have no use for any of that, and still less for xenophobia. At least at the university level (and often at the elementary and secondary levels), I hear the situation is much better in Europe. One of my profs says I belong in a place like Oxford, and maybe I do, but I'm also afraid of holding my own there...in large part because of those intersections I mentioned.

    There's a regressive, primitivist kind of spirit at work in American education in our times. Since I live in a very conservative state, this is often counterbalanced, but a strange dynamic develops in this setting: the more conservative-minded profs will vacillate between kowtowing to academic Leftism and reactionary overcompensation. The result is a sadly hobbled kind of thinking that fails to truly take into account the myriad subtleties and nuances of life as we have it (often while reiterating the need to do just that, and claiming to in fact be doing it).

    I know there would be another set of problems in another country, or even another school. And the truth is that I'll probably go wherever I get the best combination of funding and research options. But I know I don't feel at home here. And I need to find a place, however imperfect, where I do.

    Maybe I'm in the wrong area of the right country, as I've been thinking. I've never lived in the Northeast, and always felt drawn to it. So if that does it for me, it's copacetic. But I'm going to hedge my bets by casting my net wide...

    • 2
    • 3
    • 5

    Recent Entries

    This is going to be a short entry, but I have been busy lately, and I didn't have the time. I have a little time now. today has been pretty good. slow, but good. Day 6 on Zoloft, and im feeling sluggish. more than t he past couple days. ive just been lazy and zoned out. Not that great when I have a little girl to take care of.

    I havnt have an anxiety attack in 3 days, and that's a new record. ususally I can expect one once a day. which really got on my nerves. I really hope I can keep this up. and I hope the meds keep working.

    its feels good to shower and get ready in the morning. it really helps me get through my day. sometimes, I cant even make myself do it. that's when I know im getting pretty bad. but I just did it because I felt the need to. and that feels AMAZING!! im dredding the next time ihave an episode. I kknow its not that far away. Im starting to stress about finding a job and getting money. That new stress is kind of pushing it. I really hope it doesn't push me over the edge.

    I hope you all are doing well. next time, im going to focus on my role as a mother and how my mental illnesses effect it.

  11. i find that the longer i remain untreated the more in tune i am with how up and down i am. meaning i can identify times in the past, even as recent as a few months ago, and compare it with how i am as of now, and find differences there. i still am uncomfortable with the feeling of my "vague depression" or my "vague anxiety." (i know self-diagnosis can used in both positive and negative ways. for me, when i decided to get help last year, i was positive i was suffering from depression. now whether it was mdd or dysthymia, i wasn't sure [and iirc, the terms for one or the both were changed in the dsm-v?; i think they were lumped into one diagnosis?], so i didn't question it, just went to the psych, said i thought i was suffering from depression, and he agreed. it didn't seem like a formal diagnosis [though perhaps it was], but then again i went through the avenue of getting help from my school, rather than go to a doctor's building. this was a case where "self-diagnosis" worked for me. [in quotes because there is a difference between saying me before my diagnosis I Have Major Depression Disorder and I Have Depression, etc.] a few months ago, i legitimately thought i suffered from anxiety. the internet is at my beck and call 24/7, so i researched a little. really, what i was suffering from could have been anything from my depression manifesting itself in a new way to ocd or anxiety..., or maybe even something to do with a vitamin deficiency or hormonal disorder)

    i am still dealing with that new part of my mental health history. i do have some thoughts as to what it could be, but I'm not certain. honestly, i was planning on using this whole spiel as a transition into talk about "vague depression/vague anxiety," but now i don't know how it connects...


    that vagueness i was talking about. severe depression---totally understood it? i mean, the DEPTH of the suicidal thoughts left me with no question in my mind that something was wrong with me. now? i still have no energy for much (and i'm thinking, if i really have just this one symptom, could it be that there is something physically wrong with me?) but other than that... i can talk, i can laugh, i don't want to end my life... which is what i mean by "vague" depression, i start questioning if i actually have this at all... (obvious answer is that the difference between now and two years ago is that now I'm dealing with mild-moderate depression. and that's the answer instead of it going away, because i am currently unmedicated and out of therapy ever the beginning of 2014. if my depression symptoms have never really gone away, why would i think they would now? though i find it... odd, i guess, my brain chemistry. my depression can never go away, and yet i can have these bouts of health anxiety that last for about a month or so that appear once in a blue moon. my latest anxiety issue (which are the intrusive thoughts) have lasted for four(?) months now, but in hindsight i think my mind was very mildly starting to develop these thoughts back in April. I really think these thoughts are going to be something like the depression that are going to plague me forever since unlike the health anxiety, it's not going to go away. And, honestly, I forget why I decided to go try therapy for the depression in the first place, but when I left it was exactly because there were parts of me I didn't wanna reveal. And, with the thoughts, it's even worse. I've read enough on the subject to know people have "illogical" thoughts and conclusions, I know, but I just can't do therapy

    I guess I'm having another one of my Butter My Biscuit Epihanies™. LOL. Now I'm beginning to understand that illnesses ebb and flow, some symptoms may go away, different parts of the brain can be on and off for as long as or as short as possible (the surface isn't even scratched as far as what advances we could make in the next 20 years or so). What I'm describing is: well, kind of that gray area thing where you're like, "we all make mistakes, we all have our good and bad," and yet I'm treating it as some magical sort of thing...lol. (Though you could say the scientific research thing isn't a "gray" thing, even though for me it kinda is since although I can say that there's a lot more to explore, I don't intricately understand what's already been done, you know?)

    Tangent city, time. Lol, actually had a fun time writing this, which will probably be the most fun i've had in a week. On another note, this really is the only site on the whole web where I'm not triggered into thinking my thoughts that will send me into a downward spiral of googling. Probably because this is the only website I go on that isn't somehow related to my obsessive topic... /small voice

    ~gottagonow; wonder how tomorrow will look~

  12. DeeBear
    Latest Entry

    ***************************************************Trigger Warning - Grieving a Painful Loss*****************************************************************

    I just noticed the date of my last entry, October 4, 2013. I wrote how I had the feeling my grandpa didn't have much more time. He died exactly two years to the day from that entry, October 4, 2015. I guess I was warned, but that is not a comfort. Nothing is.

    Each passing day I think things will get better, but they don't. With each step up on my meds I think that things will get better, but they don't. With each counseling session I think things will get better, but they don't. I've lost faith in relatives I've trusted my whole life because of the way they've looted his home and possessions. I've given up hope that this too shall pass. I have no clue as to how to move on. I'm tired in a way that I have never been tired before. I used to believe that when you've hit rock bottom, there's nowhere to go but up, but I no longer believe that there is such a place as rock bottom.

    Broken bones heal and become stronger. I only wish my broken heart would.

  13. My housemate S shared with me and another housemate G about her sister.

    The sister seems to be suffering from a mental breakdown.

    But the family thinks she's being disturbed by unrest spirits.

    The family sought psychiatric and temple medium for help.

    Housemate S 's story focused more on the medium, hence I think she felt the medium was more helpful, despite having both sides of the treatment simultaneously.

    As I was listening, I thought the medium was very clever to narrate the entire story about the sister's situation based on the turn of events. Like all opportunists, he saw desperation and thought, why not? He didn't cause any harm anyway.

    I do not deny the existence of the evil, unseen or unrest ones.

    But this is not it.

    I have heard similar stories like this before.

    I just feel sad at the social stigma upon mental illness.

    Possession by evil spirits still tops mental illness.

    Imagine, in the current Asian society; it is actually easier to tell people you were possessed than to be suffering from mental breakdown.

    This is really sad.

  14. sarahbeth24
    Latest Entry

    If had a lot of issues trying to sleep lately, mainly I don't sleep until 8am and because of the pain medications I am on for my arthritis, I get a common side effect which causes me to dream more.

    The first I do when I wake up is check my pulse and oxygen levels using a oxyometer which helps reassure me that these anxiety attacks are just that, anxiety attacks and not anything wrong with my breathing

    But lately when I wake up my oxygen levels are lower at sort of 90 - 92 instead of the normal 99, it goes back to normal when I take some deep breathes

    Last night I had a nightmare where I was in hospital and my oxygen levels and pulse levels where wrong and I was hooked up too a drip and no one could tell me what was wrong with me.

    I have a lot of fear and anxiety surrounding my health and I guess it's happened ever since I was taken in to hospital with a UTI and dehydration some time ago

    I try not to take my pain medication very often and avoid it when I can as the dreams the pain meds seem to bring on are so real and it's almost as if you are there in the dreams, going through the dream and when you wake up it's a relief to know that it's just a dream and not real, but at the time it feels so real, you can feel what happens in the dream as if it's really happening to you.

    Today luckily I got my sleeping times back to normal I crashed out about 2am, got about 8 hours sleep and hopefully tomorrow I can do the same again

    I just wish I could stop having nightmares, my fiancé Optus to wake me from them and comfort me like last night which helps a lot but the dreams can really distrube me at the best of times

    • 1
    • 1
    • 5

    Recent Entries

    When we're kids, we use any means to communicate what we feel, we want and we need just to get our message across but when we grow older we try to keep things to ourselves. Less talk, less mistakes is the rule we tend to follow. To protect others, to prevent misunderstanding, to impress, to look strong and many other reasons that life, experiences, other people and our impression to ourselves had taught us. We keep those words in our mind and leave our hearts heavy. If we only know how to express those words in a way it will not cut deep in the heart of others and prevent us from turning into distant cold person we don't want to become. Why not start with the forgotten magic words of thank you, please, how are you, sorry and I love you. Simple, single word or phrases but it implies a complete warmth thought to the person we meant to tell it and we might be surprise of their reply. It will not damage the voice box nor cause a scratch or enlargement. Just give it a try and see the simple change. Start with your kids, parents, loved ones, colleagues or even a stranger.

  15. 20YearsandCounting
    Latest Entry

    blog-0295933001446411696.jpgI wrote this a while back, and it got stuck in my editing queue. So, here it is. This particular issue has already been settled, for better or worse.

    When we relate to others online, we have to remember that they don't have the whole story. And I don't think the person in question realizes that. We cannot push back at others when they accidentally encounter borders they did not know were there, however gently they encounter those borders. I'm not saying we should let other people 'run over' us. I'm saying that when others write something online that hurts us, we need to step back and remember a few things:

    1) That person doesn't know my real life situation, regardless of how much I have or have not shared online.

    2) That person probably did not intend to be hurtful, and may have actually intended to be helpful.

    3) Why am I having such a strong reaction to what has been said online by someone I barely know?

  16. chickapea
    Latest Entry

    I'm coming down, reducing my dosage of effexor (with the approval of my doctor). Strangely, going from 300 to 150 was relatively easy, and even 150 to 75 wasn't so bad, but I forgot to take a dose of the 75 this week and I was in all kinds of hell. Part of the reason that I wanted to come off the effexor was the blood pressure issues it was causing. But, and even larger part was that I feel like I have made some significant changes in the way that I deal with problems in my life and I wanted to road test my new skills. The last couple of months on 75 mg have not been easy. PMS seems to have been hitting me like a truck. I'm sensitive, I cry easily and I have been irritable. I have been hatching a plan for dealing with all this. It involves: - omega 3 fish oil capsules - yoga and meditation every morning - getting out into the sunshine for lunch every day if possible - some kind of ritual for making sure I go to bed at a reasonable hour... speaking of which... 'night!

    • 1
    • 0
    • 85

    Recent Entries

    Latest Entry

    With this semester coming to a close my only two friends will be leaving to go home until next semester. I won't see them for about 3 months. I've struggled with depression for a long time and they helped pick me up whenever I was feeling terrible. I won't have that security anymore. I'm anxious for the time to come. My life will just be work, then sitting doing nothing since I'll have no friends to do things with. My mental state is going to go downhill for sure.

  17. Why is it I feel, and I'm sure others do too, that we need the approval of another being in order to feel good about ourselves or something we've accomplished? I know I am that way, that if I do something and its not recognized or someone doesn't say "good job!" I begin to doubt myself and if it was good enough.

    It seems that we would look inside ourselves and if whatever we did made us feel good, then that should be it...we should just feel good about it no matter what others say. But with the depressive mind, it doesn't work that way...if there is no other comments or praise given we automatically start to doubt if it was ever good to start with. Maybe our minds just playing tricks on us making us think we did a good job?

    I don't know...just something that popped in my head.

  18. That title is really dramatic, but I am very stressed out right now. When I start trying to do things to get ready for the upcoming semester and, especially, the upcoming summer and, even more, my second senior year and the rest of my life, I just start freaking out! Like, yeah, I guess it's not a full-blown anxiety attack, like I used to have, but I feel like my heart's about to explode, and like I need to be running for my life, and I don't want to sit there and fill out applications and try not to think about the worst-case scenarios and how I'm probably not qualified for anything and how everyone's going to think I suck, I just want to run somewhere and punch something until I get rid of all the adrenaline or whatever other chemicals are at play (which I feel like I should know, because of what I study, but I don't, because I'm probably not a good enough student!!)​ and can just be calm again, but that's not really an option! Crap. I hate this. I really do.

  19. Altl13
    Latest Entry

    My friend from my AA meeting has always let me play with his dog and walk her. Then all of a sudden he says he won't let me be around her anymore. She has helped me with my anxiety by relaxing me and calming my nerves down. Now I don't know what to do anymore. I feel like someone just punched a hole in my chest. It feels like I can't breathe anymore. I just want to cry and crawl into a hole and never come out. I know this sounds very stupid but I got very attached to her and she stayed with me a few days a week. We made a bond and now I don't know what to do anymore. I feel so numb right now I don't know what to do.

  20. callisto
    Latest Entry

    I've been thinking a lot lately about being grateful. Idk if anyone's heard of The Secret, but it talks a lot about being grateful for what you already have before you get more. I've always kind of passed this off, thinking I did express gratitude. But I've realized it's more than that--it's FEELING gratitude. I don't know, I made a gratitude journal and I'm going to write three things a day I'm grateful for a day. I'll have to keep you updated on how that's going.

    Anyway, what I really want to talk about right now is my mom. I just don't have anyone to talk to right now and I have to vent! She doesn't get along with her family very well, least of all her sister. And I get it, I understand why. The problem is that my mom and I haven't had good boundaries and I've vented to her about my frustrations with my aunt, as has she. But I've also told her that I want to keep a relationship with my aunt because of the good relationship I have with her son. So I agreed not to talk about this aunt with my mom. But today I let it slip that I was getting her a Christmas present. And this aunt recently sent me a Thanksgiving card. So I guess my mom got all triggered and she wanted to come talk to me (I live with my parents right now). That's never a good thing.

    Well she came and told me that she felt upset with me because she felt like I don't care about her feelings and that I purposefully was trying to upset her by talking about my aunt with her. And a bunch of other stuff I don't really remember. I just know she took it all way out of proportion and too personally. But I told her I was sorry and that I wasn't trying to hurt her. But now I just feel upset and I'm trying to figure out why. I get my mom's issues with my aunt. What I don't get is her not trying to work them out. I also don't get why me having a relationship with my aunt is a personal attack against my mom. She told me she just needed to tell me how she feels, not that she wanted to control me or tell me what to do. But that's how I feel and it's how I've always felt! My mom gets to say what she feels but nobody else can. That's what it feels like. She says that's not true, that she welcomes truth and wants to know how we feel, etc. But I don't buy it. Or I at least don't trust it.

    I don't like feeling like I have to hide my relationship with my aunt from my mom, especially when I live with my mom. She and I choose to handle my aunt differently, but why do I have to hide how I deal with it? I guess how it feels is like I have ALWAYS felt like the adult with my mom. She's the kid and I have to treat her like one or else it could trigger her into some big depression or "episode" as she calls them. So she gets to throw a tantrum over this and I just have to deal with it. That's how it feels. My mom is so into her own healing that she doesn't get that it's not all about her!

    My mom and I have always dealt with a lot of the same issues mental health wise. But, and I've told her this, that doesn't make us the same person! And we also choose to deal with that in different ways. But I do think we talk to each other too much about it. I've asked that we don't, but we always do. Anyway, I could go off about this forever but I guess that's all for now. As for my aunt, I've asked her not to talk to me about my mom. I can't be in the middle of those two! My aunt and I have a superficial relationship right now, but that's okay. She's family and I love her. If my mom has issues with her, she could tell her instead of dancing around it all the time with me!

    Thanks for reading, if you did. This is mainly just me getting stuff out, but if you have any input that's great. Thanks!