This thread is started for Epic! whom we hope is sleeping soundly at this very moment, not pacing the neighborhood as of late!  

Come on down, Epic, YOU are the next contestant on...

The bipolar is DYSPHORIC!  :;):

we now join our regularly scheduled thread already in progress

already in progress?  what do you mean?  :ranting:

What's the prize what's the prize!?! Oh boy, more space to type in!

I actually tried to sleep, why, I have no idea. Heh. I guess I am gonna just have to up the meds even more. Took 150mgs of Seroquel along with 1000 mgs Depakote and layed down at 2 am, looked at clock it was 4am then dozed off for a blissful 2 hours lol.   me.

I kept having the strangest dreams, the Seroquel I think I have to thank for that.

I am going to lay back down and "try" to sleep.

Wow, I need to copy some replies and stuff off of tht old thread for referals to look back on, there was a lot of good advice in there from you guys that helped me a ton.

Mel, I hope bizkut feels better today too.

Hope everyone else got sleep! :)


G'nite, G'day, where ever you maybe.

Thank you Mamma Duck, er, Cat. :)

You're welcome little duckie...er, uh, Epic.  :;):
Better copy that thread quickly... I have to erase sometime hon.  I'll leave it up for a little bit though, I'll warn you.  I'll try to anyway.  Glad you were the first to post.  That makes me feel good about it!  Carry on... carry on...

OHH I must get second Prize...For being next..

Hi everyone..I am still up.  I think I drank too much of this stuff I bought yesterday.  Java Mocha cold mix stuff..with milk.  It was so good.  Now I am crashing.  I need to lay down a few I guess.  That is the bad thing about being on the SSDI I can sleep anytime. :rasp:  Just kidding.

I think little biz will be fine.  He is a tough lil guy.  He goes in at 6 and Joe is going with me since I dont know where the heck it is.


Epic have you tried upping the Seroquel.  I used to take 200mg or more at night.  Then in a few months the sedatiion wore off.  Hmm I dont know.  Some days I really miss that old dreaded zyprexa cause i would be knocked out.  I liked that part but the dang thing caused to much WG.

I am so excited this is like the second thread today that got carried over.  YEY..

OK guys have a good day.  Dont work to hard.  I am going to sleep now.

Mel

Hi, all.  I hope everyone is doing well today.  Woohoo!  We made it to a new thread!

Epic, thanks for the link.  There was some very interesting stuff on that site.  There was an interesting article in the latest Newsweek about the medical community using meditation and mindfullness training to fight things like chronic pain, chemo side effects, etc...  It's worth a read if you can get your hands on the magazine.  

I've been having a strange week.  It kinda feels like I am living in a dream world.  I have been getting a decent amount of sleep (6 hours/night), but I have been having especially vivid dreams every night relating to things currently going on in my life.  Then when I am awake, the voices and sounds I hear cause everything to feel surreal and I am having a hard time differentiating between my dream world and the real world.  This morning I was talking to someone at work about something I thought was real, but it turns out it was probably a dream.  I'm also really paranoid right now.  I feel like everyone is spying on me, but I know deep down that can't be true.  But, that knowledge doesn't help me to not be paranoid about it.  I'm worried that I may be cracking up again.

Living in his own bizarre world,

SC

Hi guys,

Mel how's the Bizkut?

Cat, I will try and copy all tht tonight, too bad we can't leave it for reference for others who come in here for the first time. :( Ok, I actually just got it all copied in htm instead of Word doc, was much faster.

SC, are you dissociating you think? I wonder if you try and read a book before bedtime, even if your mind is racing, if that will solve some of it by getting your mind somewhere else other than real life issues as you drift off to sleep?

Have you been to see the t or pdoc lately regarding this, maybe the meds dosage is needing tweaking? The reason I say that is, my paranoia has decreased a "little" with the increase of the Seroquel.

Hope you get some relief soon, I do know paranoia sucks (to say the least), I shall be praying for you and sending vibes your way man.

I guess I'll have to check out tht latest Newsweek tonight when I go get grubbage. I dreamed about strange things not pertaining to my life, I was a bounty hunter last night (well early early this morning) then morphed into a catburgler, then into something I can't say on the boards (a disturbingly sexah dream) but it was all so real, I think it's the seroquel doing tht to me though.

SC, Pm me if you need to talk or vent. Ok?

 

disturbingly sexah, eh?  hmmm.... that's a dichotomy in terms if ever I heard one  :laugh:

Hi guys, little bizket is fine.  The doc says the tear did not go all the way through and it is about 3/4 of the way.  He has good tear production which is good.  The doc said the kittie probably didnt cause it that he had this for awhile.  It was probably last month he had some discharge and I thought it was just a allergy or something so i used a warm rag.  That worked i thought.  

Well now I am broke.  Joe's check was already short and the visit and the drops cost 200 bucks.  The doc suggested possible surgery.  I asked how much he said 1500.00 I said that is more than we could ever afford.  I asked him if we could just keep using the drops and work with our vet a lot cheaper.  He said it seems to be healing good considering how deep the laceration was.

He was so happy to be there.  Funny little guy even waged his tale at the doc.  And licked his hand.  Ah..

Anyways, I was up most of the nite with insomnia and jaw pain.  Hopefuly I will sleep tonight.

Epic your lucky I miss those dreams.. they must stop when you get married. Hee Hee.

SC I hope you are OK.  Epic had a good suggestion.  Also do you have sugar problems.  Have you had it checked.  I felt tht way when i found out I had sugar problems, like pre diabetes.  It is kinda like feeling confused alot.    I guess just check with your doc.  If it gets to bad maybe the hospital.  I will say a pray for you OK. :)

Hiya Cat thanks for the TMJ info.  I am going to check on buspar.  If it worked for you it is a good possibility.  I know my pdoc wont fight me on that one cause it is not a benzodiapene.

Well good night you guys.  Mel :;):

Buspar will help TMJ? Wish I had known tht about 10 years ago.

Glad to hear Bizkut is doing better, sounds like a cool lil guy. Hope you can avoid surgery on him.

I am fixing to take 2000 mgs of Depakote and 200 mgs of Seroquel, I AM getting some sleep one way or another, I just hope those weird dreams go AWAY. I know I have no control over my subconscious but having a sexy dream about a first cousin was a bit much for me even if she is a hottie. Now maybe you understand the disturbingly sexah thing? :p I never ever want to dream tht again.  :lookaround:

Haha the Bipolar is Dysphoric Show! That's a fitting title.  :nod: Today we'll have Epic in the sound proof booth, we're going to subject him to certain stimuli, we may also deprive him of certain medications and you guess what kind of mood he's going to be in when he steps out! If you guess right, you get to leave with the seat of your britches and remain able to discern the same audible sounds you always have been able to, if not, bring some patches and hearing-aids! lmbo

Night guys. :)

Epic I LMAO!! Your too funny!  Stay  :cool:

Good night.  Hopefully this will be a good night. ???

Thanks for the concern everyone.  It happened again last night.  I had a dream about my work and I did something very, very bad.  I was nervous driving to work this morning fearing repercussions for my actions even though I know I was just dreaming.  I'm afraid I'm going to do or say something IRL that is going to get me into trouble.  I had another weird dream that involved my hetero sister-in-law getting hooked up with this lesbian woman I work with (who I am very fond of).  The dream was extremely graphic.  Very strange.

Epic, I do think it is possible that I am dissociating a bit.  I feel like I am watching a movie of someone else's life.  I have a very cold disinterest in what is currently happening around me.  It is like the real party is going on in my head and everything external is not real.  The voices and sounds are an almost constant companion right now.  I am wondering if I am really locked up somewhere in a padded room and everything I am experiencing right now is just a dream.  How do we know that this is not the case?

I usually do read something every night before I go to sleep.  I've done this ever since I was a young child.  I don't think my pdoc would up any of my meds since I am already taking as much Depakote and Seroquel as he wants to see me take.  Besides, I'm not really manic or even hypomanic right now.

Mel, I do have type II diabetes, but it is well under control right now due to a combination of diet and Glucophage.  I just had bloodwork done this week and everything looks good.

Did you get any sleep last night, Epic?

Looking forward to another day in paradise,

SC

Hi guys. :)


SC, you said, "I am wondering if I am really locked up somewhere in a padded room and everything I am experiencing right now is just a dream.  How do we know that this is not the case?"

I went through this when I was about 15 or 16 years old, I can't really remember. This is gonna be long winded but here I go.

I used to wonder the same thing, I wondered if all the people in my life were just an illusion, if everything in my life was just all one big illusion. If my "real" self was not in some other plane of existance and I was dreaming this experience.
I went through this for a few months, then one day I came to the realization that, I "AM" experiencing, I "have" ALL this sensory input incoming all the time regardless of how it exists or comes into being, it's there, it's here so "I" have to "BE". If I "AM" then there has to be some higher power to be right alongside me, even if all of this is an illusion, in order for "anything" to exist in the first place. It would be a reality with a higher power and myself at the "least", at the "most", it would be a complete, beautiful reality in which we ALL "ARE" and we all share the same receptors for input and output but we ALL cannot percieve any one object exactly the same, we never will be able to, although we can describe it and define it as ex: "A cat is a feline [enter defintion here], the Earth is a complex entity made up of many many different aspects which is a part of a greater whole and which we make up a small part of" but each person's POV on an observation will be a little different than another's. It doesn't make it any less real just because we percieve things a little differently.
I really don't know what to say SC except that I have been "there" before and I accepted the principles above as the only reasonable explanations to my existance and realities. It was a weight off of my shoulders when I accepted it.

I honestly don't know if that made any sense whatsoever but I "did" go through "that" and the above is what I found. I hope it helps you, I hope you feel better too SC.
Perhaps you're actually not getting as much sleep as you think you are, I know if you're dreaming tht vividly you're not getting the "healing rest" as my pdoc calls it, maybe you can find some other med to help you sleep harder?

Btw, SC, I was dissociating or at least felt like it when I was going through the stuff I mentioned above.

Oh, no, I didn't get any sleep again, I may ask the doc for Elavil again if it will not spin me manic. It was always good to knock me flat on my buttocks.


     

((((SC)))) Big Bear Hugs.

I am here for you.  It sounds like you are having a rough patch right now.  Do you see a psychotherapist at all?  This could be useful for your unreal like feelings.  I had a few of these last year.  I have a book I would like to suggest I am not sure if it pertains to you but it is called.  "Searching for the Real Self" James Masterson.  He is a world renown psychologist.  It is a little confusing to read but it makes alot of suggestions on how when we were younger we developed a false self that protects us in our time of need etc..  I have BP and BPD so I dissociate and go into a false self alot.  It makes things seem like movie.  I had not had this in awhile since I dont take as many meds that numb my emotions anymore.  My T likes to keep me on no more then 2 and lowest possible dose.

I hope you can get some relief it sounds really frightening what you are going through.  Hang in there.

Luv Mel :)

Thanks for the input, Epic.  What you said makes perfectly good sense to me.  I, too, have been thinking about the "dreaming question" since I was a teenager.  Unfortunately, I have never been able to reach a conclusion that I am satisfied with.  FYI, in case you didn't know, Rene Descartes was famous for posing this question.  If I recall, he didn't do a good job of answering it.  I believe many people think about this when they are young.  There is even a name for it though I can't recall what it is at the moment.  You may be right about the quality of my sleep.  Maybe I'm not getting enough quality sleep.

Thanks for the book suggestion, mel.  I love to read, so I'll keep an eye open for it when I am at the bookstore.

SC

Hmm that was some interesting reading SC, I looked up some stuff on Descartes. I can't believe I've completely ignored he and his later counterparts, I always enjoyed Socrates, Plato and Pythagoras, well most anything greek. It's really pretty interesting, are there anymore you would suggest for me to check out? I always wanted to get into philosophy but thoughts like the ones I had at 16 turned me against going much deeper.
As far as me having said I had been "there" before, I just meant in my own experience pertaining to the question itself. I hope you took no offense in that.

I do know for sure the pdoc said my quality of sleep was a factor in me staying semi-stable. If tht's the case I may be tripping in a couple of days. :p

Hmm that book sounds interesting too. I just read a book called the Purpose Driven Life which was pretty nice, an Unquiet Mind was even better though. I bet this 1/2 horse town doesn't even have the one you mentioned in stock Mel. I'd like to read it too.


Oh me, it's time for work! Woo-hoo, I say that with enthusiasm. Egads, it's cold out there.

? Where'd everyone go?

That book was hard to find.  I found it at Borders.  You can check Amazon, or a lot of bookstores will order these.  My sisters bookstore does Barnes n Noble.  I think I bought this one at Borders Books which may or may not be in your location.  It was a good one.  Teaches you alot about child psychology and how we can develop two sense of selfs one for protection and one that is the real us.  Sorry for confusing anyone.

I am not physically feeling too well.  Sorry I havent talked much today guys.  My tum tum hurts.  I couldnt even eat my chicken noodle that I spent 3 hours making.  

Have a good nite.  SC hang in there OK.  Mel :)

I have the book, A Purpose Driven Life... someone gave it to me when I was in the Eating Disorders Hospital in February.  I was there for 8 weeks and couldn't bring myself to read it.  I've had a falling out, if you will, with God over the death of my grandmother and mother-in-law, and haven't "been back" to the church in more than ten years.  That's not to say that I don't believe, because I do... it's just that I've come so far now and felt so p*****, that I feel I might be struck dead if I enter a church or read a book, I guess.    So, the book remains unread.

I did buy another book the other day though that look interesting.  It's called, Bipolar Disorder Demystified: Mastering the Tightrope of Manic Depression by Lana R. Castle.  It looks to be an easy read and an interesting one.  Now, if only I can channel my ADD toward reading it.  lol

I'll be out of town this weekend.  I'm leaving in an hour to go to my  uncle's birthday party.  It's a surprise for his 60th birthday.  I'l be back tomorrow night.  You guys take care of each other.

And SC, you especially take care of yourself, ok?  I'm really concerned about you.  :hearts:

wishing you all, love and laughter

(((((Epic)))))
Cat

Somebody pinch me, I think I got 5 hours sleep. As Ben Steiner would say, "Faaaar out." Phew tht was a welcome relief for a change. :)

Cat be careful and have some fun. I think I will go to the bookstore if they are open and see if they have either of those books you and Mel spoke of. {{{Cat}}}

SC, hope the dawn brought a new peace of mind today. Did you get any rest? I almost raised my kundalini fully last night, I was sooo close and the radio announcer being true to his job was just so annoying tht I got a short version of it instead of a full version, what a time for him to start yapping. I don't know if the semi-raised kundalini helped me sleep or that I ended up taking 2000 mgs Depakote and 250 mgs Seroquel then watched a David Gilmore Live In Concert DVD, I honestly can't believe I got up on time. I DO know my heart is still buzzing this morning, maybe it was the kundalini.

Mel, chicken soup gets better with age maybe you can sample some today. :) Hope you feel better.

Yuck today is grocery shopping day, I just realized that. Hopefully no one else will be in the market at 8 am.

You guys have a great day, I am off to step out in this 36 degree weather and take care of work stuff.

Cya later.

Cat I might have missed ya, have a safe trip OK. :)

Epic, sounds like you had a good nite.  Me I was in Insomniac City.  I layed down at 2am then I couldnt sleep so I got up, then layed down again at 6am couldnt sleep so I got up, also p***** off  :mad1: then at 8 I layed back down and low and behold Joe comes in talking to me. then my girlfriend calls me and wants me to go to the store with her.  I said I was too tired.  Then to top it off I had really really bad toss and turn nightmares.  The one that feel so real.  I think I was killed like 15 times.  Ok so I am crabby and I need to go to a stupid Halloween party at my sister in laws.  I am sure I will have some fun I am just so irritable from lack of sleep.

I am getting p***** off.  I am going to ask my pdoc to switch me to WB XL instead of the SR maybe I will be able to sleep better.  LOL This trazadone is crap.  He wont give me anything for sleep, at least stuff I can afford.  I want some Klonopin but he doesnt give me enough of a dosage to knock me out.  I am sorry but .5 mg does not do it.  I need at least 1.5mg.  URggghhh

I started my glucaphage again for my sugar deal and I had major tummy ache last night.  I cant stand this, I am much too young to feel this dam old"

Sorry someone just tell me "Would you like some cheese with that Whine"  Hee Hee :glare:

Ok I have an hour, I dont know what to wear to the party.  I am thinking just my regular clothes with some nerd glasses I picked up and some funky teeth.  I couldnt afford a big costume.  I sure aint loaded like my relatives.

Gosh I gotta go I am really complaining.  Sorry.

Epic I hope you find your book.  If not try Amazon maybe?

((((SC)))) I hope you are feeling somewhat better.  

Well guys have a good one.  I am off to find something to wear and go to this party. :spudnikwitch: :holloween:

Mel

Yay, almost got in a fight with 3 guys tonight locking up, I wonder how some people manage to write their name sometimes. Guess they didn't know one of my triggers are smarta$$es, they do now.
I'm afraid I'll encounter them again and beat them to a pulp, lose my job and end up on the wrong side of bars. The T told me she didn't really want me working at all, I'm afraid to bring this up next week, I love having a routine and my job...I hate blacking out though. I really hate the idea I could hurt someone really badly too, (I just don't stop once I get going, I try to neutralize any threat...THAT is what scares me to death) it sucks.  :sadwalk: Wish I'd never been born sometimes.
Last thing I remember hearing was one of them saying something about a pc and me laughing, the next thing I remember is seeing their vehicle hitting speed bumps about 40 mph about a half a mile away. (No, I don't and won't carry a pc). I'd rather have a hole in ME not vice versa.

What to do? :( Maybe get a flight response instead of fight response? Like someone said here on the boards once, I just need to reformat and re-install I think. C:\format C: /U

(((EPIC))) big Bear Hugs.

I am sorry to see you are having it rough.  I had a crappy night.  Still am not sleeping.  Feel like beating someone up to.  Especially a few people at the party i was at.  

Hang in there.  OK.  Kick your punching bag.  I still need to get one of those LOL.

I hate my relatives.  I hate parties atm and I hate being nice.  I feel mean, and hateful.  I think i am a bit manic atm.

NO Sleep, No rest, just rage and agitation.  I want to fight verbally constantly.  What is wrong with me.  I really hope it is not the WB.  I am ready to quit all meds and say  :censored: it.  I am sick and tired of this  :censored:

I want a normal life.  I want no meds.  I want sanity.  Like i am sure you all do.  Maybe it is the weather.  Too simple.  This lack of sleep is catching up with me fast.  I am heading downhill.

3 days straight now.  Less then 3 hours for the 3 days and 3 weeks with interupted sleep.  I am ready to just try the lexapro for awhile and just say screw the libidio and other deal.  

Mel

Mel {{{Mel}}} do you really think it's the WB making you irritable, although one of the side effects is agitation, maybe stress from everything going on in your life is a contributing factor to add in? If it hasn't went against you I'd wait till I got a few days of good sleep (crosses fingers for Mel) and see if I still felt grouchy. If it were me, more than likely lack of sleep, mania, stress and all tht fun stuff I think I'd consider, maybe holidays fast approaching too? I am thinking maybe I am getting less sleep than I think am, not to mention the weather stinks and isn't helping.

Have you ever taken Elavil? I am going to ask Pdoc this Tuesday about it. I used to take it as a kid (15-16) and it would knock my socks off, the med is at least 20+ years old as far as I know and should be safe for bipolars, only bad thing about it tht I can remember is NOT wanting to get out of bed because I was too sleepy. (Wouldn't tht be nice)? Hrmm, just read the side effects for Elavil they didn't look any better than the WB, actually they looked worse and they sure looked worse than the Seroquel. Guess there's one I can scratch off thanks to paranoia.

Wish I was normal too Mel, I'd still be making 22$ an hour and all the OT I wanted, maybe actually own something I could be proud of too. Like a farm with some horses and a garden not to mention maybe a wife or at the least a constant female companion.

I think the punching bag has tossed in the towel, it's been a good friend to me for the last 6 years, one more good kick or direct hit and I think it's going to split down the middle. They're like 110$, guess I'll miss paying a bill and retire Max.

 :hearts:

Thanks Epic

The problem is I am not getting any sleep.  The only thing WB has done for me is make me well have libido back.  But i am to tired to do anything.  Gosh.  I am tired, I have migraines, I am snappy.  I havent slept at all in 3 days.  I am ready to throw in the towel.  I need some valium or somthing but my doc is a dork and wont give me anything.  I hate HIM , I hate HIm,  Joe plans on calling another doc up and getting me to see a new doc.  It is unreasonable to say just cause I once had an addiciton problem to ativan doesnt mean it will happen again.  I am dying for sleep. I am drinking pots of coffee which is not good but what the heck.  You are right this could be hellbutrin.  I umm been on it 3 weeks.  I was better before the stuff except for the sexual side effects of the lexapro.

i am so irritated.  if i keep this up i will be in the hospital.  i decided to stop it for know to see if i can get some sleep.  Urgh.  Life bites right now.  My eyes are so black it looks like i got into a fight and got punched.

I wanna just quit.  I am Mad, Angry, I want to just shot someone.  I snapped at my husband all week.  He is getting frustrated.

At least I got you guys.  I feel alone.  I dont want to be around people cause I tell um like it is and i lose friends that way.

I am screaming at my cats constantly.  I am not normal.  I just want to quit.  Give up.  

Life sucks :(  :angry:

Mel :(

I know what ya mean Mel, these boards are a haven.

I don't know about the sleep thingy, caffiene prolly isn't helping any but I do the same thing too. Almost any med scares me anymore after the WB episode but I am seriously thinking about asking the doc about ELAVIL, it WILL help you sleep but I don't like the side effects that are listed on NAMI. According to the pdoc I've been bipolar since a teen and I took this stuff as a youthful wide open kid and it would knock me on my butt, I can't imagine what it would do to an adult.  Maybe you could ask about it.

I am going to grab an edible anything in these bare cupboards and try to sleep, bbl. :)

Epic thanks for the suggestion.  I would try the elavil but i would be back to the weight gain issue and sexual side effects issue.  I cant deal with these anymore.  Yes maybe i am being a little bit on the picky side.

I did get a nap for awhile, restless but some sleep.

I am depbating.  I am ready to quit meds.  I am going to talk to my T this week.

Mel :)

I am sorry Epic selfish me see.  I hope you feel better and you can find you something.  I miss zyprexa or remeron.  I just cant to the sedation and weight gain thing again.  I hope the elavil helps.  Mel :)

Mel, you don't have to apologize to me, I'm just so dang happy there is a place I can come to where people understand wth I am talking about, that is the most important thing in my life atm. I'm not alone anymore, well, I have the dog but he speaks broken broken german and I can barely make him out sometimes. :p

Hmm, no smartalecs on the job tonight, maybe I got my message, whatever it may have been, across last night.

God I need a woman, unfortunately atm tht is also on the no-no list unless it's a one niter and I don't like one niters unless I know the gal, therein the problem lies, all the women I know now are married soooo....tht's out. I did meet a cute, smart  goth chick the other day but what's the use? Start a relationship up and it just end up coming crashing back to the ground no sooner than it got off the ground? I'm about to go crazy here. I'm lonely. It used to not matter when I'd go off the deep end thinking, now I can halfway control tht and it's hitting me pretty hard.

Oh well, time fer the meds, beds and nightmares.

G'nite ya'll.

Thanks for the suggestion on the buspar.  I am thinking i might just give it a shot.  

I hope you get some sleep tonight.  Urgh.  I am a little buzzed from a xanax i took.  

Things will get better i hope.

Epic you do need to find you a nice girl.  You are too sweet.  Have you tried the local ads.  Church.   :idea3:

Joe and i went to church while we were dating.  So it was neat.  Then we married.  :hearts:

Cat did you have a nice trip?

SC are you doing any better?

Well everyone i will catch at you tomorrow.  I am so buzzing right now.

Mel

Hi, all.  I've been away from the computer for the weekend, so I'm just now checking in.

I had a rough day on Saturday.  Went to a football game with about 70,000 other people and basically had a meltdown in the middle of it all.  Too many people.  I should have known better, but I did something stupid and paid the price.  Sunday was a much better day.

Epic, nothing you could say would ever offend me.  I have very thick skin.  I'm glad you had a chance to read about Descartes.  He was a very interesting man.  One book that I can recall off of the top of my head that provides a good introduction to Philosophy is "Basic Teachings of the Great Philosophers" by S.E. Frost.  If you can't find it at a local bookstore I know that Amazon has it.

mel, I hope you get some much needed rest soon.  I can tell you are in a bad place and I just wish there was something I could do to help you feel better.  I do wonder about the Wellbutrin.  All I really know about that drug is that I was put on it and within just a few days I became very dysphoric.  Feel better soon.   (((mel)))

SC

I'm married Epic but here is a picture of my dad's farm and my arabian mare Emma. We'd love to have you. :)

Oh my, the matchmakers thread... I didn't realize you were looking for a woman, Epic... I thought we were a team  :(  So much for tooling across the country in my bug.  So much for our Hippie image thing we had goin'... I think I just lost a duckie...  :tear2:

never again will i have my ducks all in a row...

aw crap!  What am I whining about?  It's a Farm, Epic!  A farm!  You can run wild and free!  Run Duckie, run!   I'm sure there's a pond you can swim in... Swim duckie, Swim!

(I'm feeling a little stupid right about now with this duckie thing... somebody stop me)

anyway... moving right along....

Hay (pun intended) Moonheart!  :welcomeani: to the forums, and  :welcomeani: to the thread!  It's great to have you with us!  Really, pull up a hay bale and sit right down... I'm the resident co-moderator here, in this room... if you ever need anything, I'll be glad to help as much as I can... but this is Epic's thread, so... "He's The Man!"

I'm feeling pretty good with my Topomax now on even levels right now and my Abilify, of course, at even levels... I'm pluggin' right along... no complaints from anyone... I did have my 16 year old son make the off handed remark tonight to my 10 year daughter that people were responsible for feeling sad or not.  That they CHOSE to feel sad.  I didn't know whether or not to smack him.  I said, so... if your father is (God forbid), killed tomorrow by terrorists overseas, then it's my FAULT that I am sad?!  He said,  "He wouldn't WANT you to be sad".  I said, "That's not what I said.  I don't give a rat's a** what he WANTS, you said it's my FAULT that I'm sad.".  

"Well, mom, If you're not going to be open-minded about this..."

I did one of these to him  :talktohand: (without the smile), and walked away.  I can't talk to someone who is going to discount everything I believe in.  He basically discounted my bipolar disorder with that ONE sentence, didn't he?  I don't think he has ANY idea that he did that, but he did.  He basically said that I don't NEED medication, that I can control it on my own.  This from a boy who was on Paxil last summer.  

It's a sad night, indeed.  He fancies himself a deep thinking... a philosophical sort... unfortunately, he sometimes doesn't think things out enough.  This makes me sad.    He doesn't even "get" ME.  And we're like, best friends.

:) :(  :) Thanks Cat, I've been here lurking for quite some time. Finally got up the gumption to post to Random over on MNESN and now I can't be stopped! :p

Mixed feelings because you were so ducky :O at the beginning of the thread, and then it turned so sad. ??? Kids. What do they know right? Hmmm. The things that have come out of my kids mouths...or my mouth for that matter. :angry:
No, I don't think he meant to discount your illness, although my husband does that regularly and it makes me crazy. Teens just plain don't think about how they might hurt someone's feelings do they?

I am really happy to be here and finally be interactive. :blues:

Oh and at the farm, there is a gorgeous creek with a walking bridge. Yummy eh? Some of the best ways to manage my symptoms are being next to water, around my horses even stinky horse poop, and the mountains. Sigh.....

BTW, I'm diagnosed with PTSD, GAD, and possibly BPD or BPII. Yay for me! :cool:

Welcome Moonheart  :wave:

Hugs Everyone! sound like you need them

i actually got some sleep last night.  i took a xanax and it helped a lot.  Umm felt good.  I cleaned all day, spent some time with my friends then i got back home cleaned some more and then Joe came home.  COol, but the mail was not good news.  I am just freaking p***** off.  Can you tell me why a psychiatric hospital stay for one day is 3,000 bucks.  My medicaid i had last year covered 6 of the days but not the 7th.  I am p*****.  i am so sick of hospitals.  i am never going again. I will be calling and chewing those son of  :censored: out tomorrow as well as medicaid.

I am so sick of healthcare and the govt.  if medicaid wouldnt of screwed up in the first place then it would be covered.  If i didnt have to wait 2 years for my medicare it would be covered.  

Ok i will stop whining.  I am just nervy about this.  I feel so trapped.  Joe wants to go to trucking school and we have no way of funding this.  I am stessed.  There is no reason he should have to work 2 jobs.  over 65 hours a week.  Grrhh.

SC the WB is ok it is just stimulating i am sure it will pass hopefully.  I actually have more energy which is good cause i want to go and do more things.  I hope you are doing a little better.

Epic.  Hows my man, how are ya, any woman.  I hope so for you, you are just to cool to not have a companion.

Cat.  I am sorry your son said that.  Maybe he just feels like when you cry he is hurting inside since you mentioned his paxil and stuff.  It was right.  It sounded like transference issues.  Mirroring his feelings unto you by controlling you.  You are fighting hard so keep it up Ok.

Moonheart.  I love the horse.  I always wanted one of those.  So beautiful.

OK goodnite ya al.  Take care.  Mel

Hi Moon! :) Welcome to the forums. Feel free to be yourself and join in anytime you want. :)

Cat, we can still have the hippie thing...can't we?   So if it's a farm can I run nekkid across the fields and bark like a dog if the fancy strikes me? Maybe start a commune? That'd surely keep the neighbors on their side of the fencerow. ;)

Naa, Mel, I can't have a woman..yet anyway, er, a constant one anyway thanks to the dissociation and traumas. One of the docs told me if I had of been born in 1890 or so and could live somewhere alone I'd have been in my element (in other words if someone made me mad, I'd have a place to bury them)<---tht was supposed to be a funny, not to mention he wanted me to make a stay with some monestary close by here for a mth. I take tht as him saying, "You're not in any condition for anymore stress, let alone a relationship." He also went on to tell me, I may "never" be able to have a constant companion. :( Just one nite stands, I hate one night stands. I want an intelligent, funny, constant companion, not some barfly like he's recommending.
I almost have my picture next to Hermit in Merriam-Websters anyway, guess it'll just be the dog and myself. He best hope he doesn't drop the soap...jking. lmbo Ok, I realize tht was totally uncalled for, I apologize about the soap thingy.

Just got back from T's and Doc's, something must be going on coz I have had to see both of them the last 4 times I've been in, probably about the blackout on the state trooper I guess. I finally told the T after she asked me how my "sex" life was lol, like I had one in the first place tht if I were to have one there was one particular lady I'd be interested in, she blushed so I think she got the msg.

Got home, checked the mail, had a thing as big as Texas from SSDI in it, some MORE forms to fill out, yeah! Just what we all like, more nonsense, I've already answered all the stinking questions at least 3 times now, this will be the fourth time. I've been told tht they turn people down who have jobs (although I qualified for the finacial part 2 weeks ago), I work part time due to this BS mental mess going on in me already, I have NO significant other to help with the bills, 2 kids to help along and raise etc, I made dang sure the gal knew this at least 4 times. I think tht the fact tht I have 3 docs telling me they don't want me working period, end of story would be enough to cut the red tape and get things rolling but I'm afraid since I do have a job, which is a routine tht keeps me from getting further depressed they might say I don't qualify. This is stressing me out bad. I know a senator from having repaired his computer several times, I have debated asking him for help but hate to do tht.


SC, man, you got THE biggest  :censored: 's of all if you went among 70k people, I'd have freaked in a crowd of 5. I think just the fact tht you actually made it there, Dear God, is an accomplishment in itself. I wish it had of gone better for you though, AT least you tried and tht's what counts. I say congrats on the effort!
If I can get my mind still long enough, I am going to order those books, if I can slow down.
Been worried about ya, hadn't seen you log in all weekend, glad you are back to posting. You are a trooper if there ever was one, going to a ballgame like tht, I swear I'd have to have been packed out on a stretcher or a straight jacket or in a paddy wagon.

I had a lucid dream last night, it was horrific. A nuclear warhead went off near my aunt's in the dream up in Louisville, had a nuclear winter and all lines and electronics were fried and I couldn't get up there, call to see if she was ok and save her. I woke up and thought it was real, I turned on the TV and was happy to find it was a nightmare but it took it's toll on me, I hurt all over now. I thought I was going to have to go to the ER for chest pains until I realized it was stress pains.


Mel, I like your tht pic, tht is your farm?

Ok, so who's with me on pooling together and getting a bus to take us to Mel's and start a hippy commune? Haha sorry I couldn't resist.


Ok, so I've wrote a book....again, sorry guys, it's been a long exhausting day and the way the T and Pdoc reacted to my recent blackouts didn't help much, so I am a bit hyper again, yes, again..does it, will it ever end?


Gimme a saddle and a rocket, I think I'm fixing to get psychotic again.

Later ya'll.  :taz:

Epic you did it again.  You turned one  :veryangry: day into  :laugh: LMAO   Watch out for soap that was funny.  Oh the farm.  I wish, you guys would be crammed in my place but my husband would love ya if you are hippie.  We fight all the time over music.  He likes the 60's I like the 80's of course we are 9 years apart.  oh well.

Epic why cant you have a girlfriend.  Find someone with BP then you will understand each other.  Maybe put an an add on the interent or something, like the love.com.  Sorry I dont mean to sound like mean.  It is hard when others dont understand.  Joe took awhile but he gets it now.  

I would stay away from one nighters.  one kind of pdoc do you have.  Hmm  Go for a relationship, start of slow then progress.  Myself I couldnt imagine being without joe or without well ya know "S" all the time especially be on WB, I am so happy to have my wired up drive back.  ((Poor GUy)))

I need to find some benzo's somewhere till I can get some buspar to try.  I had a xanax but that was it.  Worked wonders though.  :oops:  

Ok so down to why I was pi**y today.  I always call myself pi**y Missy that is my nickname to myself.  Anyways I got another medical bill in the mail.  The darn thing should have been covered my medicaid last year.  The bill was 19,000 and it shows pending credit and that I owe 2,989.  I am like for one freaking day. These people are a bunch of money hungary pi** ants.  I hate hospitals.  One word.  NO MORE FOR ME!  So i called the social worker i worked with and had a few words, she was being a blankey blank  :censored: I slammed the phone down right in front of everyone in the office and said nevermind.  I will ask my father who is 69 years old to help me pay for it.  My Gosh I am not made of money.  What is one day that medicaid could not back date.  Urgghh

So i left and stopped by Joe's work talked to all the guys they got me laughing my butt off.  They are perverts (so am i ) and now here i am at home alone.  Joe is at his second job.  :cry:  I am going to watch some movies and deal with medicaid tomorrow.  I am so tired of the govt.  They never want to help.  Just cause I have no kids it is so hard to get help.  And you know what p***** me off the most the social worker said why dont you reapply.  Umm ok for the 1,000 time, right waste of my time.  They always turn us down or last year the lady came to our house and screwed it up and that is why we owe another 10,000 bill.  I tried to kill myself over that situation i was so depressed.  I should have done it myself.  This is why I dont trust others.  The lady messed up the paperwork and now we are paying for the mistake.  Big Time!  :mad1:

BUt I just keep plugging.  We are working are buts off to get our credit good so we can get a house next year.  more med bills.  Just when i thought we were all good paying on the ones we have this one comes.  Sorry I am ranting...

My disabliltiy review is also up this month I think.  I havent heard anything though.  Epic I wouldnt worry to much.  You have records of your illness alot of times they let you work while you are disabled if they know you would not be able to handle the work on your own.  BP is a serious illness.  They wnt stop the pmts.  I worried about this too.  I would like to get a PT job myself cause I am bored but i worry they will take mine away.  Look up on Google about working and keeping the SSDI there are some useful info.  If you have to can you quit your job and go to the hospital to fake a breakdown.  My T suggested this if they gave me problems.  I dont know.  If they deny me I will appeal it but so far I have not heard anything i just filled out some paperwork on jobs etc..and sent it in, is this the review i wonder.  I though i would have to go in see their pdoc and answer a bunch of lame questions.  Why is the grass always greener on the other side?  Umm I am bipolar not Stupid I thought.  :laugh:

We are struggling so much with these medical bills right now.  I cant even be a normal manic, go shopping every day etc. I have been itching to get me some stuff.  Urghh.. Well patience I keep telling myself.  Joe's Pt job should bring in some money hopefully and it all is not going towards med bills I refuse to do that.  I limit it to a few hundred a month.  Tough.  I will die in my grave before i pay them every penny I have.

I will call Tomorrow.  Good I am ready for a good Fight!  :kungfu: I will let you know how the day goes.  So far I got 2 nights sleep in a row thanks to xanax,  I am feeling a little better dispite the med bill problem.  I am going to call my friend and see if i can get some more for awhile.

Take care everyone and (((Hugs))) sleep tight.  Mel

Hi Epic,

Nah, it's my farm. Or rather my dad's that I will inherit. Want a couple more pretty pics? Okay, you twisted my arm. BTW. We thought about a hippie commune.:)

Enjoy!

 Moonheart, I'm Dispatch, the resident happy to explosive anger dysphoric.   :D

Epic, you are on your way up up up again?   :(   :p   :)  

A commune?  What do teens of the 80's get?  Poofy hair, bad music and worse clothing styles?       :glare:

I'm still fighting the downward spiral after my second worse manic bout ever.  At least I'm sleeping now.  RN  I'm only taking Lamictal and the low dose Zoloft.   :(   Doc still thinks I'm taking the Lithium.    :rolleyes:  If I start the upward thing again, think I'll throw in the Trileptal a bit earlier.  

Mel, glad you got some sleep.     :)

Just checking in with you guys.  

Later, Dispatch

Hey guys,

 Ahh I thought tht was Mel's for some reason, must be lack of sleep. Think I got tht caught up today, I think I did anyway.
When I was about 9, my uncle took my mother, a friend and I to a hippie commune up near Taos NM., it was a very very strange place, all I remember were naked people sleeping in piles, one guy was curled up next to a pig (I don't even want to know what tht was about) and then there were women using the Rio Grande for a washtub, doing laundry, dishes, etc...it FELT peaceful but it was incredibly surreal. I'm pretty sure tht was an extreme commune.
I've delivered appliances to one near here before, they are exceptionally self sufficient. They use windpower, solar and hydro electric for energy, the houses are some of the most spectacular homes I've ever seen, the woodworking and craftsmanship are to the point of being nearly immaculate, they grow their own food etc.
I was born to a couple who missed the chance to be hippies just by a little but I grew up too young to actually be a hippie although I did get to know some hippies pretty well they were slowly fading away around tht time. I remember the Viet Nam war body counts on TV as a child everynight and as I got closer to 18 fearing I'd have to go myself, I had to sign for the draft in 79 I think it was, phew tht was a looong time ago eh?

Hi D, been wondering where you were. Glad you've gotten some sleep, I "think" I did, I guess if I can't remember then surely I did *unless I was running nekkid through the hood). I been going up and down like a yo-yo again, had started seeing stuff again too so maybe last night will remedy all tht I hope.


Sorry your son made the comment he did Cat, sounds like he's just trying to help the best he knows how to, he wants mom happy, maybe tht frame of mind and the meds he took is what helped him and he's just thinking it'll help you? I do know no one in my family "got" me at all for a long time, the parents and kids have seen me blackout, seen me go from bad to worse or from hyper to warp. I let them read an Unquiet Mind recently, everything seems to be falling into place now with my family. They seem to still be a tad confused because no one experiences the same things in life but at least it had enough similarities to give them something to chew on.

Mel, glad I could make you laugh, I think it's a healing thing, just wish I could be funny more often.

*Looks for SC* Hope you're stilll feeling better. :)


I have got to hit a place for some consumables, it either tht or dry dogfood and milk and tht'd mean I'd have to fight the dog, sooooo...cya'll later. :)

Hi, all.  I'm doing OK today.  Went in for physical therapy on my arm this morning, but other than that things are just normal in a strange kind of way.

I had a dream last night where my wife was scolding me for saying terrible things to her while I was dreaming.  A dream about dreaming.  That was weird.

I could go along with the hippie thing.  It sounds a lot less stressful than what I am doing now.  I was just a bit too young to get into the whole thing during its peak, but like Epic said, I remember the Vietnam War news on the TV when I was young and can remember young men in the neighborhood being drafted and sent off to fight.  I didn't have to register for the draft until 1982.

Dispatch, it is nice to see you pop in.  Glad to hear you are getting some sleep.  We all know how important that is.

mel - I hate dealing with hospitals and hospital bills.  It sounds to me like you have really been screwed over by the system.  $3000 a day for a mental hospital?  Give me a break.  All they do is pass out meds, have the nurses babysit and maybe you get to see the doctor for five minutes each day.

Hi, Moonheart.  Welcome to the forums.  I love the pictures of your horses.  I used to work around horses when I was a young man in a different life.  They are beautiful animals.

SC