i don't know how to explain this but i have been dealing with severe bouts of depression since i was 12. i was recently diagnosed with bipolar II, i think it fits.

anyway, my point is...i feel as though i have been depressed so much that a lot of the thinking patterns have been engraved in my head. of course it is not as severe when depressed but it is still there and i know i need to change.

my best examples are concerning school...when depressed, i don't care about it at all, nor do i think about it. i will sleep all day and not care about missing assignments, i won't study or do anything at all related to school.
but....when i am euthymic - in a normal mood - i will still attend school, but i just can't get myself to really care about school and doing homework, studying, etc. i know i should but i feel like i've never known how to and i feel as though i am missing something since everyone around me is focused well enough to hand things in on time and be applying for university now (i really can't with my marks). on top of that, i can never focus or concentrate so even when i attempt to work or study, nothing gets done and it litterally takes me hours to do something that for the average person wouldn't take too long. i am not that slow, i can understand things but i just can't focus my mind is always somewhere else.


anyway, sorry if this is slightly vague and if i rambled. anyone else feel the same way or understand?