I've had a panic attack since yesterday and I want to **** myself more than ever today. I can't get death out of my mind.
About this blog
my life and struggles and successes
Entries in this blog
Is suicide and how disgustingly fat I am
No one wants to be friends with the fat one
Who would be attracted to me?
Probably some kind of rabies-infected animal
I don't know why I'm still alive
it's been a while; looks like the website's been revamped. cool
like is weird. things happened last semester. i'm still at home. i have a boyfriend. i am finding out more about myself.
i now own a nanday conure. he belonged to my sister but she couldn't care for him anymore so now he's mine. right now he's trying so hard not to fall asleep, cute thing that he is. i love him so, even though he has trust issues we need to work on. :)
But I look at pro-eating disorder websites to remind myself what I could have had if I'd stuck with what I was doingfreshman year. I could be 120 pounds by now. I hate myself
We should break up so you can have more options again
So people will tell me I look nice.
So people can't use my size as a joke.
So people can't treat me like I'm inferior.
So my parents won't remind me I'm gross.
So my sister can't derail an argument with, "At least I'm not fat and ugly."
So my partner will find me attractive and will love me.
So I'll finally look in the mirror and see someone worth living.
I can't explain to someone who doesn't understand how much hatred I have for my body, and how badly I want to hurt it and destroy it so I can completely accept my fate. I was destined to be hideous.
If you want someone else, if you want to ditch, just tell me. I'll let you go. I know I'm a terrible person to be with.
I hate my body and I want a new one.
My girlfriend told me it's okay to tell her when I feel bad enough to be suicidal. Should I tell her about how I feel today? She's had a rough day and I don't want to make it worse, but she said I can trust her. I don't want to hurt her.
Today I wondered if anyone would miss me. I know people would but I feel so insignificant.
I'm tired of whining and complaining so I won't be updating this anymore. I used this to get out my negative feelings, but all my feelings are silly and insignificant, so I shouldn't talk about them. Thank you for reading so far, any of you who bothered with me. This is my last blog post here.
I have a friend with a crazy mother that verbally abuses her constantly. I understand that our friends comfort her every time because it's horrible. However, my mom is always yelling, too, and my dad tells me I'm stupid, fat, ugly and lazy; I don't do anything for the family. On top of that, my brother physically abuses me, and leaves me with long, deep cuts from his nails, and bruises in places he's punched and hit me.
So why don't I get comfort? Am I really so disposable? I don't matter anymore? I guess I'm better off being alone.
my problems are always ignored. my friends would rather crowd around and comfort this girl, who drinks and does drugs and parties all the time, and is destroying herself, than comfort me when my brother beats on me. am i not worth love? am i too much trouble? am i a pain? i wish someone would tell me, because then i would leave their life forever. they would never have to feel weird again because i would be gone. i just want to be loved :(
this was written monday night to my gf:
i was in my room playing multiplayer on black ops and i heard my mom and dad yelling. my brother was beating on my mom and then he hit my sister for idk what reason. i ran down cuz i feel responsible for everything he does and like if i don't do something, i feel guilty. so i went down there and he started on my and scratched me really bad on my hand. my brother turned around and threw something at my sister while she was holding riley, and it hit him in the face. my dad and mom took him down on the rug in the hallway, and then a screaming match started.
my dad went on this long rant, but what he said is p much that my mom brought a devil (he actually called my brother a devil lol idek) into this world. she should have had an abortion etc. he doesn't want to deal with it anymore, he can't stand it and it's all her fault that my brother acts like this cuz she let him live. and he kept going on and on that he was stressed and he hates that we get hurt, but he hates having to take care of matt when he flips out. then my mom yelled back and she said she can't take it anymore and there's going to be a divorce eventually. she's going to meet with a woman tomorrow about matt and see if he can go somewhere for a little while for behavior management. she repeated the divorce thing a few more times. then my dad threw himself on the floor and started crying, and had a crazy freak out (later my mom said she wanted to laugh; isn't she sweet?).
meanwhile, my sister is in the other hallway out of their view, crying her eyes out. and i'm just standing there, holding my hand cuz blood, groce, feeling super awkward and uncomfortable. so we got my brother comfortable and then i kept pressure on my hand for a little over an hour before it finally stopped. dad went somewhere with matt to cool off and mom stayed home.
then later i'm upstairs in my room again doing stuff, and my dad walks in and starts talking to me about what happened. he repeated a lot of what he said to my mom before, and was like, "it's always me! i'm always the bad guy!" i didn't say anything cuz if i did, i had a feeling he would freak on me and i didn't really need that atm. he's frustrated and i get that but he said some really unfair stuff to my mom and that's not okay. a few hours later, i'm in my mom's room with riley and she tells me she's going to help my brother find a new place and then she's getting a divorce. she said she told dad before that if he brings up the past again, she's leaving, and lol he brought up the past so. she's sick of it. so i just sat there and listened to her rant at me too, after listening to my dad a few hours before. that was super awkward. after, i told myself that whatever happens, it's out of my control so it's stupid to freak out. i just gotta go with the flow.
then i was at dinner and it was like nothing happened. i was even more uncomfortable cuz like, i imagined all the hostility??? idk what happened after, i've been in my room since, hiding. i had a panic attack earlier for a few hours but now i am just like whatevs whatevs i don't even care this is all stupid.
my life is toxic. i don't think this situation is toxic, i think i'm the toxic one. :( I'm bad for everyone in my life.
some really bad things happened in my family today and i've had a panic attack all day. despite that, i'm also numb. i can't feel a thing. i'm very... just very numb. i wish i could spend the rest of my life like this. i love not feeling a thing.
tomorrow my parents are off. we're all going to my sister's for breakfast. i don't want to go. i don't even want to be here bcuz i don't fit in anymore. i'm just a joke to my family. god i can't stand being alive sometimes. i wish everything would just end already.
there was a chunk of bagel in a plastic bag on the counter so i decided i would eat it. my dad came over and said, "don't eat that, it's bad for you," and proceeded to go ooooon and ooooon. so i asked him if i tell him what to eat, and when he said no, i said, "then don't tell me what to eat." then he goes WELL I CAN DO IT I'M YOUR FATHER. and my mom is like, "katherine stop being dumb." then dad feels bad i guess cuz he tells me he loves me, but i'm still kind of mad at him so i shrug him off. then my sister and mom tell me i'm being such a Biotch omg ~how dare i~
and then my dad said that i deserved it anyway cuz i do the same thing to him EXCEPT LOL I DON'T. this is his excuse every time, too. when he harasses me about something, it's, "well you do it to me too!" even though i totally don't and no one has ever heard me say it ever.
i lost my appetite. i think i'm going to starve myself like i did last year. i lost 30-40 lbs and that's what my family wants to see... weight loss. i'll do it for them.
not really tho. I'm going to get paid something like $13 an hour. it's great! what's not so great is that despite being 20, I don't get any of this money. my parents are taking it.
yes I am basically working and giving my money away.
I'm only good for babysitting and money-making. there's no other reason for me to live anymore.
whenever my mom calls me, it's because she wants something. I'm really sick of it. this just reminds me how no one gives a crap about me but my sister is everything because my mom wants me to do crap for her. I have to skip class to do this! yeah I have to miss class to make sure my sister has her school books! ridiculous, when I was in high school and forgot books, I got over it. I didn't call for help. lol I guess my family just doesn't care
and I got beat up again yesterday and my mom coddled my sister but was like whatever to me. wish someone cared about me
today i watched a movie called Benny and Joon. it's about a brother's relationship with his mentally ill sister, and the man, a cousin of a friend, who enters their lives and changes things around. i feel a lot like Benny because i'm the older sister of an autistic boy, and i'm always stressed out by him. i devote all of my time and energy to him out of love, and i feel like i need to do things for him. i have a girlfriend who came into my life and changed things for me; made me see that i need to let go and be my own person. i need to focus more on me. i am not his mother, i am his sister.
it's just very hard. i'm the oldest so i have to be responsible and look after him. my parents depend on me more than they probably should, but it's a fact. they need me and here i am.
i have homework due tomorrow but i don't feel like doing it.
i feel so ugly sometimes. this is one of those times. i need to lose weight, get rid of this nasty body hair and get plastic surgery cuz i am a model's worst nightmare.
Today began in violence and bloodshed when my brother threw a tantrum.
Happy thanksgiving :/
so far, this holiday week has been okay. i did some cooking and cleaning, and i washed my bed sheets. i might read some more chapters of this new book i started. i'm just really tired atm, i want a break from stuff. mrrr. i also want to move out.
my dad told me i'm lazy.
then, when i said i didn't want to watch that miley cyrus movie because i don't really like her, he said in this mean and sarcastic voice, "why not? you're just like her. you're cute... and petite." and then he laughed.
i've had a panic attack since he said that about 2 hours ago. i don't want to be here anymore.
I haven't been very nice to my family, ive been snapping at everyone. I'm just tired of being told what to do without any reward or even praise. I owe my parents, they deserve my help, I would be nothing without them etc. I know I should be nice but I just can't be anymore. I've been nice for the last 20 years; it's about time I be assertive and say I'm not taking more crap. Too bad I'll say that then take the crap anyway or else my parents will flip and yell at me and tell me I'm a bad person and I owe them everything and I'm a selfish Biotch.
I just want to run away from here :(
Its true, my friends don't care. They never did. I don't need them, all I need is me. I'm the only one who cares about me.