This weekend was the culmination of a rough two weeks for me. I have been feeling very isolated and alone, despite having good friends and social gatherings which I thought would hopefully get me out of my funk. It required a bit of effort to attend these functions, however I started out each one having a good time, in fact a great time despite my reservations.
That didn't last long though. Even when out among friends I began sinking back into myself, feeling disconnected and alone. Seeing everyone together, and someone to share it with was just too much for me. Being around people having a good time wasn't infectious, it only served to magnify the isolation I struggled with.
These recent bouts thankfully haven't been as pronounced as the period which first led me to this support site, and in fact I have been doing quite well overall, if not 100%. But lately I feel myself sinking back into it.
Mostly my thoughts, or the focus or analysis of my thoughts is on relationships around me. I keep pinning my pain to these toughts, but I have no idea of they truly are the source of all of this. My thoughts revolve around friends who seem on the surface happy, and with someone they care about. I feel as if I can't even meet someone anymore, and as if my life is just slowly fading away. It feels as if it has no meaning without someone to share it with or someone for which I can do what I do.
Again, I go back to my recurring theme: my business is doing well and I do what I love for work. The success doesn't seem to bring the peace or satisfaction I once thought it would, and in recent years I have learned that in fact success can lead to depression when you no long have that goal to work towards, which you once had.
Everyone around me shares with others things I do not have in common with either: new houses, children, new careers. I almost feel like I sacrificed one sort of happiness to follow the path I have to be self-sufficient and successful at work. Seeing other good friends do the same yet also having founf success in their personal life is all the more painful.
I feel as if I am just waking up and seeing the plan, the pattern that everyone around me has been working on for the past 15 years of their lives. And I am only just realizing this while they are already moving on the the second phase of those lives they've been building.
Once I used to revel and take pride in my independence, lately it feels like a hindrance and an anchor.
I also fear these missing items, which I currently hinge my emptiness on, are not in fact that which drags me down. I fear settling into something out of haste to try and fill these voids only to find myself embroiled in further responsibilities and obligations which will spiral me even further.
I see the shiny surface of relationships around me, yet fail to consider the freedoms which I may have to sacrifice and I don't know if I am ready to let those go. Yet I feel myself squandering those freedoms to wallow in self-pity and worry.
there is something eating away at me, nagging. It's almost feels like jealousy at times when I see people whose lives are wrapped up in the very things I silently profess to myself I want nothing do with.
I feel locked in a town with no peers, yet afraid to strike out and try something