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      Depression Forums Are Back Online!   02/09/2016

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About this blog

A description of my day to day healing process :)

Entries in this blog

Lookingforalight

Heyy guys

How are all of you doing?

I've been having a good normally but rough emotionally time lately. Mostly because of rumors about my boyfriend and I at his work. It's making me so depressed and annoyed and frustrated that they are even talking about me behind my back and these are girls that are supposed to be my friends but aren't really apparently not with the shady drama queen way they have been acting lately. There were rumors started by this one girl because when I was at work my bf went to hang out with a mutual friend who is a girl and they went to this family get together thing down the road together(just a casual party). This other girl was mad she was not invited and has been on the rampage trying to convince me that something is going on when I know in my heart it isn't it's ok and I honestly think she's just jealous she's not getting all the attention from him anymore as a friend and is determined to mSke everyone feel miserable because of it. She said they were making inappropriate jokes at work with eachother but she's says much worse things to Him and is currently sleeping with a guy who she's pretty sure has a girlfriend and has blown her off multiple times and hurt her and is using her as a booty call along with sleeping with a few other guys too which is ok (besides the gf part) so I should be more worried about her! She's not one to judge and incinuate right now! And she's told everyone she knows about it and totally embarrassed me and her and my other "friend" are saying horrible things behind my back blatantly making up lies and spreading them and saying horrible things like I'm too soft I'm weak for not doing anything when their is literally nothing going on they have no proof at all and I trust the girl their blaming way more than them right now lol and that maybe he would be more interested in sex with me if I had more confidence and lost weight which is sooo mean and rude and I cried for an hour tonight when I heard one of them had said that I have more self confidence and respect and take care of myself better than both of them put together! How dare they they obviously don't know me at all and aren't good friends or ppl if there going to act this way, both say they have my best interests at heart and are trying to help yet neither have reached out to me except to scare me and spread more fAlse rumors about Him one girl has literally nit said a word about this to my face at all abd now wants us all to have a fun sleepover which someone told me a while ago might be a plan to corner the girl and confront her about all this and embarrass me which is horrible. I just don't know what to do about all this I think they think it's a funny soap opera and the ppl involved don't actually exist or have feelings when we do and it hurts and it is literally bullying. I'm going to ignore it for now and avoid them for awhile hopefully and just relax because I don't need or deserve this mean drama it's none of their business and if ur gets worse or keeps going on in going to have to report them somehow and get help because there literally spending all day everyday talkin about me and saying "helpful" but really mean things and jn suck of it real friend wouldn't talk behind my back and would sit down and comfort me if they really thought their was something to worry about which their isn't so I'm not going to bother with it all right now lol it's not worth the headache and the hurt

What do you guys think I should do?

Thanks for listening as always

Love

Lookingforalight

heyy guys!

Im having a good day today :) Im feeling a little down now though because my good friend hasen't been keeping in contact with me very much (it's been more than a month without a text from her!) and it's making me really sad becasue I know she loves hanging out with me and keeps saying she wants me to move to be close to her when she moves away in august and loves me so much and then she never really texts me and only makes plans when she randomly sees me downtown. She might just be really busy and not even thinking about it, and she's said many times that she's not good with friends, that she doesn't know what to do with them, but I just feel a little sad this time becasue I've texted her first the last 5 times or so and it's really bothering me, I want to text her and ask what shes been up to and maybe ask why she hasen't been texting me as much, but I really want her to text me for once. *sigh* it's just really stressful for me because I have been hurt so many times by friends before and I really let my guard down with her and trust(ed) her so I want it to be good. I don't know. I think Im the kind of person who needs a really faithful, calm, and compassionate friend, I need them to give it their all and be loyal because that's how I am, and it's very important to me otherwise I dont want to get emotionally invested in the friendship as much.

I know I sound like a worried gf but I really hope she texts me soon! Maybe I'll just give in and text her. I dont know. *sigh* At least I know I have some really good calm faithful friends right now and I love them so much and appreciate them so much!

Have a great day!

Lookingforalight

heyy guys!

Im having a good day today :) Im feeling a little down now though because my good friend hasen't been keeping in contact with me very much (it's been more than a month without a text from her!) and it's making me really sad becasue I know she loves hanging out with me and keeps saying she wants me to move to be close to her when she moves away in august and loves me so much and then she never really texts me and only makes plans when she randomly sees me downtown. She might just be really busy and not even thinking about it, and she's said many times that she's not good with friends, that she doesn't know what to do with them, but I just feel a little sad this time becasue I've texted her first the last 5 times or so and it's really bothering me, I want to text her and ask what shes been up to and maybe ask why she hasen't been texting me as much, but I really want her to text me for once. *sigh* it's just really stressful for me because I have been hurt so many times by friends before and I really let my guard down with her and trust(ed) her so I want it to be good. I don't know. I think Im the kind of person who needs a really faithful, calm, and compassionate friend, I need them to give it their all and be loyal because that's how I am, and it's very important to me otherwise I dont want to get emotionally invested in the friendship as much.

I know I sound like a worried gf but I really hope she texts me soon! Maybe I'll just give in and text her. I dont know. *sigh* At least I know I have some really good calm faithful friends right now and I love them so much and appreciate them so much!

Have a great day!

Lookingforalight

heyy guys!

Im having a good day today :) Im feeling a little down now though because my good friend hasen't been keeping in contact with me very much (it's been more than a month without a text from her!) and it's making me really sad becasue I know she loves hanging out with me and keeps saying she wants me to move to be close to her when she moves away in august and loves me so much and then she never really texts me and only makes plans when she randomly sees me downtown. She might just be really busy and not even thinking about it, and she's said many times that she's not good with friends, that she doesn't know what to do with them, but I just feel a little sad this time becasue I've texted her first the last 5 times or so and it's really bothering me, I want to text her and ask what shes been up to and maybe ask why she hasen't been texting me as much, but I really want her to text me for once. *sigh* it's just really stressful for me because I have been hurt so many times by friends before and I really let my guard down with her and trust(ed) her so I want it to be good. I don't know. I think Im the kind of person who needs a really faithful, calm, and compassionate friend, I need them to give it their all and be loyal because that's how I am, and it's very important to me otherwise I dont want to get emotionally invested in the friendship as much.

I know I sound like a worried gf but I really hope she texts me soon! Maybe I'll just give in and text her. I dont know. *sigh* At least I know I have some really good calm faithful friends right now and I love them so much and appreciate them so much!

Have a great day!

Lookingforalight

heyy guys!

Im having a good day today :) Im feeling a little down now though because my good friend hasen't been keeping in contact with me very much (it's been more than a month without a text from her!) and it's making me really sad becasue I know she loves hanging out with me and keeps saying she wants me to move to be close to her when she moves away in august and loves me so much and then she never really texts me and only makes plans when she randomly sees me downtown. She might just be really busy and not even thinking about it, and she's said many times that she's not good with friends, that she doesn't know what to do with them, but I just feel a little sad this time becasue I've texted her first the last 5 times or so and it's really bothering me, I want to text her and ask what shes been up to and maybe ask why she hasen't been texting me as much, but I really want her to text me for once. *sigh* it's just really stressful for me because I have been hurt so many times by friends before and I really let my guard down with her and trust(ed) her so I want it to be good. I don't know. I think Im the kind of person who needs a really faithful, calm, and compassionate friend, I need them to give it their all and be loyal because that's how I am, and it's very important to me otherwise I dont want to get emotionally invested in the friendship as much.

I know I sound like a worried gf but I really hope she texts me soon! Maybe I'll just give in and text her. I dont know. *sigh* At least I know I have some really good calm faithful friends right now and I love them so much and appreciate them so much!

Have a great day!

Lookingforalight

Heyy guys!

How are you? Im doing really good

I have some amazing news but Im a little nervous and OCD about writing about it right now so I will tell you guys more about it later on!

It's a really good thing but it comes with the territory that Im pretty nervous, as is with anything new!

I'm really happy about that, but today I've been really exhausted and actually a little depressed. I got in an argument with my bf last night because I was doing OCD rituals, which is natural considering Im more nervous than usual. I mean I wasen't even doing that much, I walked in the bedroom, retraced my steps about three times quickly, said a couple safe words quietly to myself and then got into bed, which is hardly anything for an ocd ritual but my bf was a little grumpy and he was being extremely rude to me for no reason! He just started snapping at me to stop being so annoying and was like "omggggg shuttt uppp jesus" and told me that my kids are probably going to be screwed up and have OCD which is one of the most hurtful things you can ever say to a woman. Not only did he call me annoying, screwed up and was snapping at me for no reason, but he was insulting my future mothering abilities?! I don't think so!

I was honestly trying to decide if I should just get dressed, and go up to my mom's house and sleep there, and then decide if want to talk him and everything from there. I was sooo livid. This is the second time he's said something SOO rude as that to me and the millionth time he's gotten annoyed with my OCD and been insulting. That was completely unacceptable to me. So I tried to explain to him that it's a medical disorder and that he wouldn't be insulting me if I had autism or was diabetic (you'd hope I think he might anyways) and he was just being super rude, wouldn't look at me the whole time I was talking to him, just got into bed and ignored me and rolled over. This coming from a 26 year old man! What a baby. He likes to insult me then gets upset if I tell him not to! I was so upset today becasue he made me feel like crap about my disorder when it wasen't even that bad, and he is nice during the day usually but I dont know what his issue is?! I dont want to move home in the middle of starting this new adventure. Butif I have to I guess I do, I love him alot but I want to be with someone who supports me for who I am and helps me when Im feeling anxious not attacks me everytime I do and makes me feel like crap! Im so mad at him. I mean it's not like he's an amazing catch, he's not that attractive, he has a good job but never wants to go to it, and wants to take a minimum wage job and just stay their which is fine if that is what he enjoys but you can't live comfortably off of minimum wage that's for sure! And he has his own problems, he has depression and panic attacks too but won't admit to it and insults anyone who has issues likehim which is understandable to a degree but Im sure his comments about my OCD are just to belittle me and make me feel inferior which I am not! He always wants me to gain more weight so guys won't be as attracted to me, doesn't want me to talk to any other men, or women, doesn't like me having a lot of friends, has made me get rid of a lot of my friends...and he has his own issues too with a learning dissability that he doesn't know what exactely it is and doesn't want to admit he has it but he really does (he knows from testing and doctors) which is understandable to, and he has IBS and all these other things going on with him too and he can't understand that I have OCD?! It's not really fair to me and I've explained tirelessly about it and how to act around people with depression and OCD and been really nice and understanding about it when Im the one who needs the comforting and support :S I just don't get it. Is he really just mean spirited?! he can be the most insulting person you know and the nicest, sweetest person also, it all depends on his mood and stress level. I dont know. I love him alot and we have a lot of wonderful things together but I need someone who will take care of me and be kind about my OCD and depression because they are lifelong disorders even if I get them under control more, (which they are very well controlled right now for sure, Im not on any medications at all) I will still always have them and they might act up once in awhile.

Im just really mad and dissappointed that he still acts like that from time to time, why can't he be kind to me? Sorry my huge panic attack is annoying you?! My goodness, I mean is it just me or isn't that a little cruel?! Im standing their having a huge panic attack and he is rolling his eyes and freaking out at me to shut up because Im so annoying. So mean!

I just don't know man. I just needed to get that out Im really depressed about it today, and I watched a showon a child with schizophrenia and it made me even more sad for those of us with disorders, it's so hard. And noone seems to understand or even try. I mean when I was getting ready for the new thing he was saying all my trigger words and laughing as I gotmore and more anxious, he thinks it's funny but I think it's just mean.

What do you guys think I should do or react like to make him stop that? I just want him to want to help me as I help him so much, he gets so cocky and rude sometimes it just drives me nuts like he's the king of the world and everyone else isn't as good as him. Im not sure if he really feels like that or if he's just putting it on:S

What do you guys think?

Lookingforalight

Heyy guys!

I had a pretty good day today, nothing too exciting but I managed to keep myself entertained so that's awesome. I walked a pretty long ways down to my bf's work and picked up my car, then we went to coffee, sat on the beach for awhile because it was finally sunny today after like two weeks of rain! whoohoo! :D That really helped! And I tried to make a mexican chicken and cool jalapeno sauce for fun for dinner and it turned out pretty good :) I loved the sauce! So that was fun :)

I think the boredom is really getting to me lately and making me kinda depressed and anxious and antsy, I really want to find some volunteer work or go on vacation, or something to keep me enterained! But it seems like I can't do anything right now so it's driving me a bit bananas. Like tonight, I was happy and fine and pretty relaxed (well my bf was watching a scary show so I think that really triggered me for a bit) and then I went to go wash my face and brush my teeth and I got caught in an OCD panic attack and ended up washing my face twice and brushing my teeth until they bled a little bit :( I've never actually done that before, I've pretty much gotten control over OCD rituals in the bathroom but once in awhile they pop up, I just get stuck in loops sometimes of scary ruminating thoughts, and my OCD is mostly "safe words", retracing my steps, tapping, and counting, and so I was stuck with scary words and images in my mind which were giving me a pretty bad panic attack, so I needed to rebrush and say safe words in my mind to make me feel safe again.

I know it sounds nuts but in that moment the sheer panic and need you feel to do the compulsion is staggering! but Im learning to avoid them and control them or just to distract myself so thats awesome. It's gone from a half an hour to 45 minutes to go from brushing my teeth to bed to about 5-10 minutes in a few years so thats awesome! lol much less exhausting that's for sure!

So ya that's just a little update! tomorrow Im going to hang out with my friend and hopefully have a campfire and make some s'mores so that should be super fun! :D

Hope you all have a great night!

Lookingforalight

Heyy guys,

Im feeling a little bummed from looking at all the graduation posts on facebook, oh well that will be me in april next year :) I just have to keep remembering that! and try not to get sad. I could have graduated this year if I didn't take time off to decide what I wanted to do/ waited for the right classes to become available. :( I just feel really crappy that alot of my peers are graduating, but then again alot of them are taking alot shorter courses and some haven't even gone to school yet and haven't decided what they want to do yet, so I really shouldn't feel bad. I just want perfection for myself so its hard to see everyone graduating this year and knowing I'll prob grad after my sister grads if I decide to do anything besides just finish my BA but you never know right. I will grad before her with my HCA and my assosiate of arts hopefully but then she'll prob get her social work degree first becasue she took a different shorter route to complete it, which I wish I would have taken but I didn't know if I wanted to do social work yet, I really had my heart set on teaching still which I still do, but I might need to adjust my plan for now. *sigh* aw well right, Im doing what's better financially but it's still so hard to see all that stuff, I would never go on facebook if it weren't for some fun games I like on there and catching up with old friends and family that is far away so its easier to talk to them on the computer.

I always pride myself in doing everything first, I was the first girl in the family to have a boyfriend, to have a peircing, to go to college, to drive, always trying to be the best and I still do, it's sooo hard for me to accept anything besides perfection from myself, and lately I have been super depressed about not being perfect. Actually I have been for the last few years, the funny thing is I felt like I wasen't good enough and perfect enough in high school and now Im thinking I was very good looking back on it! It's just like in my grad pictures, I felt beautiful and everything and loved my dress, makeup and hair it looked amazing, but everyone was telling me I needed to lose like 15-20 pounds so I can fit into more dresses and so I believed them and thought I looked really fat, when I look at the pictures now and think wow! I was sooo skinny! I was prob about a size 9 still which is really good for my height and stature (and my russian heritage lol), the same thing with when I was 13, I always felt way uglier and less fashionable then my cousins and sister and brother but I was actually really beautiful and fashionable, and I always thought I was really fat in comparision with them when i was probably the skinniest to be honest! my self preseption is sooo off it's crazy lol. So hopefully I look alot better than I feel alot of the time, I think I do, and it's so nice to get compliments once in awhile it really makes you feel so much better, I've been trying to do that for about the last year giving random people compliments as much as I can, if I think anything nice about them as I see them I try to say it (as long as its not super awkward to do so lol) which is really fun its so nice to see them light up and I hope it helps their day too because I know it always makes me feel really good when someone gives me a compliment :)

I think i will feel alot better once I'm in the care aide course and hopefully doing really well. It'll help my happiness and self confidence to graduate, I just really hope everyone will be proud of me at my graduation and have a good time. Sometimes I worry so much about these things and then once their achieved after so much hard work people aren't even excited about it:S which makes me pretty upset and sad but what can you do right, it's just so silly if their so angry and adimit about me doing something then when I achieve it they don't care, :S it's that hot and cold attitude that really confuses and bothers me:S

Well I hope you all have a good day! I actually got up at 6 to drop off my bf at work and went for a walk which was good (I felt pretty anxious and OCD coming on so I thought I'd give it a try to calm my nerves and get some exercise) but now I have the whole day and I don't have anything planned until night lol so I don't know what I'll do yet!

Do you guys think I should delete my facebook? Or just delete everyone except close friends? It's good to see what everyone's up to but it makes me really depressed when I see the rich girls from my school going on trips around the world and everyone getting married and everything :( I was actually alot happier when we didn't have internet for about 3 weeks when we first moved lol

Have a great day guys! (PS I really am loving the st johns wort so far, it's really helped take the edge off my anxiety and obsessions and I felt like I had confidence and a clear mind for the first time in a long time!)

Lookingforalight

Heyy guys,

So I couldn't sleep last night at all for some reason I was just wide awake and didn't get to sleep until about 5:30am but that was ok I wasen't upset or anything just really hyper, and I honestly sleep better when I go to bed relaxed and happy and have less sleep than if Im upset or anxious and get alot of sleep lol

So when i gotup I was pretty upset becasue my mom called and I was very happy she did I was waiting for her to call me all week (because I missed her and wanted to talk to her but she was so mean and grumpy the last time we talked I thought I should let her call me and hopefully she'd be happier lol) so that was good and she was just checking up on me which was nice but she still seemed pretty grumpy and angry at me (for no reason) and I felt like I should say more but all I have been doing lately is resumeing and cleaning and hanging out with some friends so their wasen't much exciting to tell her. She kind of scuffed and was rude when I was excited she said some of her co-workers used to be care aides so they were going to give her some inside tips on it, she made me feel like "it's just a stupid care aide course" when her job takes just as much training and pays the same as a care aide job :S so it's basically the same thing, and she seems to hate housewives when she was one for about 16 years :S so I don't understand that at all you think she'd be proud of me for getting a certificate and then in a year or so I will be completing my degree(s). :S But it feels like nothing is good enough for her and I just want to make her proud of me and happy. But it seems impossible at times. I feel like she loves my sister so much more becasue she does everything my mom wants her too, my mom wasen't happy with her relationship anymore so my sister broke up with her bf and moved home right away, and she works alot because she already has a certificate from her program (mine you don't get it until at least your fourth year but becasue she went the social work route instead of the teachers route she got it in the second year which I wish I would have done now but oh well) so my mom is always hanging out with her and complimenting her and laughing with her, even after I finished my full weekend of my saint john's ambulance first aid course which was awesome but quite a bit of work, and got my certificate she didn't even say congratulations, but she was so concerned about my sister relaxing "because you deserve a night off" after a weekend of fun baseball and hanging out with her friends, even bringing her a foot bath to soak her tired feet, when she was ignoring me and being a little rude to me...how rude is that? It made me really depressed and upset. I don't understand why I am never the favourite, I wish I could do everything she wants but I love my bf and don't want to move home because she might just yell at me all the time like she did before (thats whyI had to move out the first time I love her so much but she was getting super abusive towards me mentally and I couldn't take it anymore but I can't tell her that because it would hurt her too much and thats not fair to bring up now it wouldn't help anything) and I dont want to just continue my degree this fall because I won't be able to make my student loan payments at the end of it! (their at $300 a month now and their is no guarentee of a job anytime soon after I graduate so Im super worried about them because I still have to pay another $20 000 to finish my degree, ridiculous I know!) so I'd rather work as a care aide and save up my money and pay for the rest of my degree or at least most of it myself and I would be alot more well off that way and I think its the more responsible thing to do.

At least I think it's smart! lol and I would love to be a care aide too my mom is just afraid that I won't go back to school and finish the rest of my degree which I know I will for sure, Im a very determinded, studious person so Iwill for sure finish it as soon as I can! But I think that's smart because what if I can't get a job for awhile? Then I will be stuck with about a $400 bill every month that I would have no money to pay for and I wouldn't expect my bf to pay for that, nor could he. So I think it's a very smart thing to do! But my mom is acting really not excited and ashamed Im taking it and I dont understand why, its so mean. I just want her to be proud of me when I graduate not feel embarrassed I did, it doesn't even make sense that she would feel embarrassed :S Everyone is making me feel horrible too that Im not graduating this year or next year, and that's not fair because Im just doing it as fast as I can with all my disorders and my financial ability. Their honestly making me soo depressed about myself like Im not good enough at anything which isn't true at all. I think Im honestly doing wonderfully right now, Im exercising, eating well for the most part, going out with friends, keeping the house fairly clean, looking for work almost every day, going on job interviews, making lotsof good quality crafts I will hopefully sell soon, and I think that's amazing for someone who couldn't even clean the house a couple years ago because her OCD and depression was so bad! Not to mention I got 100% in my foodsafe course and 92% on my first aid course! Im super proud of that! lol Im not bragging Im just trying to make myself feel better:P

So I honestly think Im doing super well right now, yes I can't find a job yet but so what? Im working around that selling books and crafts and trying to get odds and ends work to make money, why is it any different if I am still bringing in money and working hard? *sigh* I think I am doing awesome! So Im going to stick to that. I just really wish my mom wuold feel better and stop making me feel like she's ashamed of me, what is to be ashamed of? nothing I say! lol Im kind, loyal, take care of myself and others alot, and am trying to help others through youtube and blogs and things like that with their own issues, I know Im not making alot of money right now but who cares if were still secure and afloat and have enough for everything? Does money mean everything in this world? I honestly think Im just on a different wavelength about how I look at life, to me spirituality, love, kindness, personal growth and happiness are way more important than any money and I think that confuses people and it makes them mad Im not super driven to make as much money as possible and sacrafice my mental health on the way, I worked so hard to get here and feel this way so I dont want to blow it by stressing myself out completely and jumping into anything I don't think is right.

lol I think I will try to get some volunteer work and hopefully my mom will be happy about that and excited for me. I would love to volunteer at the soup kitchen or a thrift store for charity but I should really find something that is to do with teaching or social work (so it can count towards my degree) so I will do my best to find that now. I also have a job thats promising it will give me an interview soon and will probably give me a job soon so that would be awesome if they do! I really hope so they seem like a great place to work.

This actually felt really good to write (the second part) it sounds alot more like me pre-depression which makes me happy haha I really do feel and think this way alot of the time. I honestly think it boils down to my mom wants to look good infront of her friends and family and that really hurts me its like she's not even considering my feelings half the time just wants to look good and Im always worried about how she feels and want to make her feel better, I dont care where she works, I care who she is and how she is feeling and I love her for who she is and her kind moments, I know she loves me alot but I think she is going about helping me in the wrong way, I dont respond to yelling, name calling and tough love or abuse or any kind, it upsets me to much and brings back bad memories and makes it so I shutdown and dont want to do anything out of spite, Its just how I respond to these things, if I am happy and supported and given compliments even if their silly I can be motivated and happy and get sooo much done its amazing! I wish she cuold see that but I think maybe she's feeling depressed herself and wants a boyfriend, she was saying that earlier this year she just couldn't shake off the winter blues even after her trip and I think she is taking out her frusterations and sadness on me (which is what my dad did too which is what hurts so much, its like the circle is being perpetuated) maybe I should recommend that she goes to counselling? I think it might help but I dont want to make her upsetor feel like Im attacking her, Im not I just think she'd feel better, but then again she can be really happy at times to and have a great perspective on everything I dont know I think she would feel so much better if she had a boyfriend, I think she's just really lonely and I feel bad for her but I dont want her to take it out on me anymore either. I dont deserve that, Im doing the best I can and that's definately good enough for me! What do you think I should do? Should I ask her if she's been feeling depressed? Maybe offer st john's wort to her (she likes those natural supplements too)? I dont know I just want to keep myself happy so I can be motivated and enjoy life I dont want any abuse anymore but I love them so much I want to make it better. I hope that possible, I know it would be if I did everything she wants me to but I can't I love my bf and want to be here with him, and I think its alot healthier for me being here right now. I dont know.

lol thanks if you read all that sorry its super long! I just wanted to write down everything I was feeling and I feel so much better now. What do u think is the best thing to do? Also how can I feel better about my schooling choices becasue its making me feel really depressed and I want to feel as happy as I possibly can so I can be motivated and do the things I love and want to do.

Thanks guys! Have an awesome day!

Lookingforalight

Heyy guys!

Im having a pretty good day today actually :) I decided to pick up some St John's wort pills today because I need something to take the edge off my anxiety (its been a little nuts lately especially my obsessive thoughts and rituals) so Im going to give that a try, I've heard kava kava is really good in combination with it but some people has said it causes liver damage sometimes so I dont think I want to try that! So hopefully it will help, Im trying to avoid going back on anti depressants for help with my OCD and mood but I honestly don't feel right when Im on them, it's like Im not in the right reality anymore and I can't think straight or make any decisions and can't experience true happiness or laughter, but it regulates my mood and anxiety to a certain extent, I dont know I think at this point I'd rather stay all natural and just eat foods that improve seratonin levels and take herbal suplements and maybe start up some therapy and see how that goes, but I'm not sure if I should yet because I find my moods are very delicate and when I go to therapy sometimes they are too emotionally and challenging and it ruins my own progress in everyday matters so I dont know! Maybe I will I've got to think about it a bit more.

Hope you all are having a great day!

Love Brit

Lookingforalight

Hey guys

Im sooooo annoyed right now! Argh first my OCD has been acting up alot lately (in the form of obsessional scary words) and its driving me nuts because its stuck on a particular word and image that really gross and freak me out making me quite anxious, but I know its only my OCD and not anything else, and its prob from watching a really gross scene in ghost adventures by accident awhile ago lol. Urghhh its so annoying.

But mostly because I called home and my mom answered and I was going to ask if she wanted to come see this craft fair going on in my town today but she started off asking if I got her message earlier and I was going to lie and say I did but I didn't know waht the message said so I told her the truth my phone wasen't charged today because it ran out of batteries and managers for jobs aren't usually in on weekends or call or I hadn't charged it, we just used my bf's phone when we went out. And of course she freaked out saying well how do you expect to get a job that way? Youre not even trying you so bad with your phone that's so dumb blah blah blah...my god does she have to get mada t me for stupid things every time I see her? I mean I know she's going through metapause but its been years and years you'd think she'd get ahold of her mood swings by now?! I seriously think she is bipolar and she is really angry alot since she divorced my dad and takes it out on me (which is what he did to me when they were married too so thats nice...) and I can't say anythingback because she'll just get more angry and hurtiful so urgh what can I do?

She went on saying how tired she is from working, "cause you know I work ALL the time and Im allowed to be tired" as if I'm not? Whatever and says that my sister is sleeping because she worked last night and is tired from that in a cheerful proud tone. It`s so frusterating I wouldhave a job if I could, noone is calling me, I have an interview set up soon and hopefully I will get the job I think I will at this one I have so many recommendations for it so hopefully i will. But that doesn`t matter apparently. Its like money and jobs are the only thing that matters to her and it really bothers me. She wants me to move home with her but I dont want to, the reason I moved out is because she was becoming unbearably mentally abusive to me and I was even working full time and going to school full time then! She has been all over the place since my dad was kicked out, which I understand she`s very hurt from but I am too and I`ve had to deal with so many others things too, like being raped, assaulted a few times, had many friends hurt and bully and betray me, my father`s abuse, my depression, my OCD and so many other things and I`ve never once taken it out on them, I`ve always been understanding and loving and trying my best to make them feel better.

I just dont understand I know Im a valuable person because I try to be as good as I can to everyone else, and am trying to improve the world and am getting my education and just existing, everyone is wonderful and valuable in their own ways and has a distinct wonderful purpose in the world that they are needed for! So why does she feel I HAVE to make good money, I HAVE to have a rich attractice boyfriend, I HAVE to have a large degree (which is costing me so much btw) just so she can feel proud and love me and show me off to her friends? It`s not fair, she should be just happy to have me as I am and proud she has a nice daughter who will care for her even if she`s sooo mean sometimes and can be super hurtful, she still comes back and cares for her and makes sure she`s feeling good.

I think that`s good enough! If I were a housewife even but I made my family happy and make a difference by just being kind and taking care of those around me I`d be happy and proud of myself, and a job would be a cherry on top of it! So why is that not good enough? Im going to have a really good paying job by the middle of next year so why beat me up so much now for not having it yet? Urgh it`s so hard, she doesn`t need to be so mean to me all the time, but sometimes she realises how nasty she`s been and if I dont talk to her for a week or so she gets worried about me and thinks she`s really done it this time and I`ll never come back and talk to her again, which I dont think would ever happen but if she keeps being this mean to me on a daily basis I might have to pull back a bit for my own sanity and happienss but hopefully it doens`t because I truly love her and just want her to be happy with me all the time, it`s not like Im doing anything wrong at all. It`s so hard not having any support that`s constant.

She wants me to come to dinner with her and our uncle and aunt and my sister tonight and I want to but Im worried she might just brag about my sister and make me feel horrible infront of them, I hope not. When will this mental abuse stop? I love them all so much but it soo hard sometimes, I dont deserve this mental abuse at all especially since I`ve been so kind to them always. My sister was super sweet the other day though and sat me down and talked to me about everything and said If I wanted to talk she will always be there to talk to me and hang out with me if I want and that she can be my support system which meant so much to me. So that`s wonderful. :)

I think Im doing great right now, Im working out, eating better, got 100% in both my foodsafe and first aid classes, organised everything for fall, am doing art projects Im planning to sell (so I am going to be making money) trying to sell some books I have, and a treadmill possibly and making my goal of having a booth in creative chaos next year possible :) Im making all the crafts for it now too. So I think Im doing pretty darn well! I think Im doing great so it doesn`t matter what anyone else thinks really. Im feeling good.

But of course it hurts so much when she does this too me which is always out of the blue, but I have to start thinking of what will make me happy and proud of myself and accept that it may never be good enough for her, hopefully it will be but who knows.

Urgh, hopefully she will be in a better less angry, annoying mood when we go out tonight lol maybe she just got up and was annoyed already so I dont know. Oh well.

Hope u guys have a great day!

Thanks for reading :)

Lookingforalight

Heyy guys! (This entry is a little sexual lol)

How are you? Im doing pretty well this morning, its a bit cold but a beautiful refreshing day out today, so I think I'll try to go for a walk soon. Im so confused about things with my bf, I love him so much, but there is no passion there whatsoever, we are like best friends and brother and sister almost, and there is alot of love, but not really any passion (its hard to have passion when you try to have intimacy and he just have no drive for it, and I know its from his own depression and anxieties and things from childhood which I try to help with so much, but even when I do and he is feeling better, he just doesn't have the energy or stamina for anything intimate, (sorry if this is tmi lol) even if I focus completely on him, he has no interest and its almost as if he can't feel anything its so weird). I've tried literally everything over the years and it hasen't helped, he tried anti depressants for a couple weeks and they were really helping alot, he was so much happier and easier to get along with and youthful seeming but then he went off them because he just kept forgetting to take them (which I told him so many times not to do that but what can you do right) so ya lol

Its not like I'm a sexual deviant or anything lol its just that if he would like to wait until marriage to have sex that is totally ok with me, but its just a tease when you can have sex once every three months or so and even then you really have to talk him into it (its super depressing and degrading, and honestly I usually want to be alone and cry afterwards which I know its not healthy at all but Im just trying to fix it, we had a good sex life for the first few months we dated then its been very spiratic after that) and Im mostly just really worried for the future with it, I dont want to go through my whole life and not feel excited and passionate with someone, Im a super passionate person and he is too about certain things but nothing in the bedroom thats for sure. It was also really hard because my last boyfriend before him was very good in that department (well at the time I thought he was pretty good but Im sure I'll find someone even more skilled in the future...lol) now I think he was really good haha so it was a hard adjustment for sure. (PS both these relationships were/ are a serious relationship, Im actually pretty conservative when its comes to this stuff :P) Its just really hard mostly for the fact that I miss that excited feeling when they really want you (romantically and sexually) and can look deeply in your eyes and you just feel so beautiful and cared for, and I honestly have not felt that in a very long time, I know he wants me and loves me alot, he just has no sex drive at all it seems and so we hug and peck but thats literally it, and although they are nice warm hugs and we do support eachother, after 4 and a half years of that it gets hard, I want more romance and passion, and the last time I saw that was literally probably 6 months into dating and he was trying to win me back with flowers, candles and a poem, and he also was trying to be very romantic with writing and poetry back then because he knows I love creative people because I am creative too, but I feel like in a way he tricked me because he laughs at me now when I ask him why he hasen`t written or made poems or anything since then :S I think he does like doing it, but I think it was mostly a show to get me interested in him :S I dont know maybe thats too harsh, he is probably just distracted by work and everything else to do it or be creative anymore. Ah well.

Lately I think I`ve been really frusterated because (this is going to sound really silly lol) but I`ve felt really lonely and he`s been so rude and grumpy to me lately and Ive been trying to help him out and do everything I can for him but he is just being grumpy back to me and it really hurts my feelings, I know he`s stressed out but I am too and he is in no way better than me so why is he trying to make me feel insignificant when I`ve done so much for him and turned his life completely around! Urgh, I think it has to do with my mom telling me to be more of a housewife and that I should be home promptly to make his dinners and drive him and do everythign for him and that really bugs me, I mean I do take care of him but he`s not my master, were not even married, and were in an equal partnership I`m not going to be anyones slave, if I want to do something nice and have a nice dinner for him then I will but I dont want to be forced into it, then not appreciated it bugs me so much, he doesn`t expect that of me at all which is really good but I think it might be going to his head a bit what she`s saying because he is treating me with less respect lately and it bugs me so much, I deserve respect especially after everything I`ve done and sacraficed for him.

But what I was going to say is that I`ve been going to youtube for solice and Ive been (borderline obsessionally lol) watching youtubers like Shane Dawson and Lisbug and it makes me happy and sad at the same time because (this is so silly lol) he is basically my perfect type, he is attractive, he is really kind and considerate, he is talented, driven, positive, has awesome friends, an awesome family and is really fun and that is my perfect type! So I look at him and wish I could have him in my life lol I love my bf so much but I just haven`t felt the passion and those butterflies or excitement lately and it worries me. I dont know I hope Im not being too harsh.

I dont knowwwwwww its so hard now because its not just a relationship you have to start thinking about marriage now as we get older and it makes things so complicated, like I know I love him alot, but we do have some issues for sure, and things I worry about and for some reason Im just never sure if he is the one and I dont know what I`d do if he proposed to me right now it would be super sweet and romantic and everything but I think I would probably hesistate and say I think I need to think about it, which I dont know if thats good shouldn`t you be super excited and want to say yes right away? Or maybe Im just thinking it through alot more than most girls? Because Im really careful of that sort of thing and want to be a 1000% sure before I say yes because I want it to be foreverand be happy and have a good father for my children.

I dont know after four years shouldn`t I be itching tog et married right away?

What do you guys think?

Lookingforalight

Heyy guys!

Im pretty bored/ a little lonely tonight, my bf is working all day long until 11:30 pm so its a long day for him and he will prob just go straight to bed after work. Im worried about his day tomorrow becasue I know he's tired, he hasen't worked very much at all this month so he's not used to it now and he worked a double shift today, so I know he'll be really tired to do another one tomorrow but he really needs to, he already said yes to the morning shift by accident and now he can't say he can't come in or he will get in huge trouble I think because the boss said because of his special probation he isn't even allowed to say no to one shift or she will just not bother with him anymore (which is really harsh and unfair but thats what she said so Im worried) and Im pretty sure he's going to wait until tomorrow morning and call in and say he can't come in. I just really want him to keep this job and do all he can to keep it becasue its part of the union that almost all of our facilities work for in our town and I dont want him to be black listed thats for sure! So Im pretty worried, it would just be sooo amazing to have him making $22 an hour for awhile! even if its part time, it would help soo much so that we can buy the things we need and pay the bills :( I really want a job too of course and Im looking but I haven't had much luck yet!

He has a job at a $10 an hour place which is steady, but it would be amazing if he could finally work as a care aide because I know he feels bad going back there and is getting a lot of jokes and ridicule for going back and forth with it.

Man I love the guy but he has been so mean and grumpy lately its driving me crazy lol I know he's under alot of stress but I am too and Im trying to be as nice and supportive as possible but he's just being insulting and nasty back to me and really unaffectionate, and its making me pretty annoyed and sad. I know its not about me its just that he's stressed out and angry at himself and his situation but he didn't need to take it out on me!

I really feel like making a fun video to make me feel good but I can't seem to find my camera so hopefully I can find it soon and make something, it really makes me feel awesome to make videos and edit them :) they make me feel like I've accomplished something awesome! :)

Im pretty excited and happy but bummed at the same time about my school I'm super happy about my care aide course and my dad even said he's happy about it too today and thinks its the best thing to do right now, and he'd be happy if I even did it for a few years, then see how the teaching enviroment is then and then finish my degree when I see which is really awesome its so nice to have someone approve of what Im doing and be excited and accepting of it! Im kind of worried they wont be that proud of my at my graduation because they consider it "a little course" and not like a big university degree (which I will have in a few years Im just worried about my student loans getting too high and not being able to make the monthly payments! and of course Im worried about my grades being high enough, I have just about the right grades to get into the new school want but Im worried, its so much time waiting in between if I need to take some more upgrading classes, so its a little worrisome but I'll do my best) I just feel horrible because some people I know are getting there degrees in the next year or two and I could if IM getting just my BA but Im going to get a bigger degree which takes longer, I just wish people wouldn't judge me so harshly for taking my time and being smart with my money and the hiring market :( It really stresses me out I just want to make other people proud, but I have to most importantly make myself proud which is very hard to do Im finding lol.

I also wish they had more resources for people with mental health issues on campuses we have it so much harder trying to finish essays and get things done on time or even show up to classes sometimes because of anxieties or intrusive thoughts, its sooo much harder to get anything done and it seems like noone understands that :( and thats really stressful aw well even a scholarship to help us would be soo helpful and amazing!

Aw well lol I think that's all for now, I hate hanging out by myself it always makes me depressed lol but Im doing pretty good tonight :)

Hope you all have a great night!

Lots of love!

Lookingforalight

heyy guys!

Today was a pretty good day, I've felt a little emotionally unstable lately though, depressed off and on and I almost never cry now, but I have been off and on crying deeply lately, its making me a bit worried :(

Today it was really nice in the morning, I got up early and went off to value village to look at some clothes with my family which was really nice, my mom even bought my sister and I some shirts which was really nice of her, and Im so excited to have some nice new clothes, I've literally bought three or four items of clothing in the last two years because we just haven't been able to afford it, which makes me really sad I would love to buy nice things once in a while (even if theyre used! just something I like) but we've been struggling so much with money that its always about getting enough food and gas for the car before things like clothes and fun events. But hopefully that will all change and I will be able to buy whattever I want once I have my care aide job so Im super excited about that! :D

But when we got out of the store, we sat in the car waiting for the others to come out my mom got really grumpy all of the sudden and started freaking out at me with everyone there watching. Just out of the blue (as usual but I know shes grumpy because she hasent gotten alot of sleep lately because shes been sleeping on the couch and a mattress because my grandparents are up visiting and are in her room. (sidenote: my OCD is sooo annoying lol I literally wrote that sentence ten times before I felt it was ok to leave it there, urgghhhh its because I had sugar tonight too so thats not helping with my nerves lol)

But anyways they were trying to figure out where they were going to go next but they decided they would go back home for now so my mom was like "Ok hurry up get out" to me (because I drove there separately) and told me not to come over just for food, and that I can't make my grandma make me food all the time its rude (which I dont I told her that she had invited me over for dinner last night and I made it with her and helped clean and everything) and some other rude things and then was like "Ok bye" and I just felt like "Ok that was so random what did I do? I was super nice to everyone all week?!" I was a little hurt and confused at first but just reminded myself that she was tired from work and not sleeping well and to not stress about it, but then I told my bf as I picked him up and took him downtown what had happened (because he asked why I looked so upset) and he said well you probably are annoying them you dont need to be there 24-7, and said they were probably sick of me, which I thought was really mean and insensitive because he knew I was already upset and that is such a tender subject for me because I always feel like an outcast and rejected by them and left out of thigns, and he knows that...but he didn't care anyways and rubbed it in for about a half and hour after that :( (I think he just thinks its in good fun but its really hurtful and hecan't be that stupid to not realise things like that hurt me after all these years of me telling him that) so we went to lunch (which I wanted to becasue we were both starving but we need to be super careful with our money (we have two dollars we can spend the rest of the week, then be really tight and only spend it on gas and a little bit of food after that which is so hard) but he really wanted a treat so we did, but then he rubbed it in some more and I started crying in the resturant and couldn't stop (this has happened a few times now from something hes said to me in resturants, its not directly mean things (well I guess it is) but he just doesn't think it will hurt me or smoething or he just doesn't care if it does I dont knoiw, he does it then gets mad at me if I get upset :S I dont understand his thinking of that, so I ran off to the bathroom and cried and cried. I felt so depressed and upset and felt that I went back a few years in the relationship with my mom in that moment, I felt so alone like they didn't want to see me when I was trying so desperately to make them love me and care for me (I know they do especially my grandma and grandpa and I know my mom does too, I think she just doesn't realise what she does sometimes and has her own mental issues for sure) I just was so brokenhearted, but I gathered myself, washed my face and walked out and tried to enjoy the meal, my mom at least called me and apologised for being so mean earlier and said she'll definately try to get more sleep tonight, so that was really good of her to do that, it made me feel much better, Im still really hurt though, Im trying sooo hard all the time to make everyone happy with me and they always seem to not appreciate it or just get mad at me all the time and it just tears me apart inside, I just want to be loved always, and not have such a bipolar relationship with people. Its so stressful. I just want to be loved.

But anyways, I feel a bit better tonight, I think I have a bit of sunstroke from being in the sun to much this week, so thats not helping very much lol hopefully I will feel better tommorrow. I think I was so depressed (I felt like my heart literally sunk and it just broke on the floor when this happened) because I really let myself be happy and confident and let loose and was sooo excited to finally get some new clothes and go shopping like a normal persona gain lol it was amazing and then to be punished for it...really hurt alot. I was just soo upset I cant even explain it, but I know she didn`t mean it it was just her lack of sleep and metapause talking so I can`tt ake it too seriously and she did apologize so thats awesome.

I think they dont realise how hard it is to not have alot of food all the time, not have new clothes, not be able to go to fun things with people my age, have all the worries in the world on my shoulders it seems and not be able to enjoy everything as I should be at my age, they still get mad at me sometimes if I grab a sandwich or something when Im there when Im starving with no food in the cupboards sometimes at home, and thats really hard because they dont know what its like. I dont know. My mom wants me to move home but its so hard, I love our new place and my bf (even though things are a bit hard right now, its very confusing, but I do love him alot) so I couldnèt do that and hurt his feelings that would not be fair, and Im worried about how Ièd feel there by myself, I think I would get really lonely and sad...Im having a lot of trouble becasue I love my bf so much but as Ive said in so many other blogs I just dont know if hes the one yet, but its been four and a half years I think I should know by now? But Ive been in such a stooperwith my depression and being on different medications its hard to know anything lol but I know things look a lot more positive and better when your in a better mood!

Hope you all have a good day tomorrow! I hope I do too! lol

Night Night!

Lookingforalight

Heyy guys!

Today will probably be just an update blog, I had a pretty good day today :D Got a lot done even some things I've been worried about doing for a while now but did anyways! Yay!

First, Im sorry my blogs are usually so long and scatterbrained and ya, I usually write them when Im feeling really down and when I feel that way I tend to ramble and write too much just to get it all out, but I definately feel better afterwards so thats awesome, you should see some of my old diaries they are just chicken scratch for about 20 pages each entry lol but its definately awesome to journal it makes me feel so much better and think so much more clearly!

I am sooo happy and excited and proud of myself for finally getting the courage to go drop off my criminal record check at the elementary school and get ready to start volunteering there soon! Im so excited! The principal is going to call me soon and let me know when I can come in and start volunteering! They said I can work in the classrooms, with marking and help on some field trips so Im super excited to start! I absolutely love that enviroment and everyone there is wonderful and the kids are soo adorable! I can't wait to start!

:D Yay! And the cheque I've been waiting for since january has finally come in! Im so happy I knew it was just getting caught up for a reason and it was, we need it this month more than ever so its awesome it finally came it really has saved our butts, so Im so happy and thankful for it!

Today was a good day, it was beautiful out and even though my bf was pretty grumpy and rude to me all day I ignored it and enjoyed the moments that were happy lol he is much happier now which is awesome, he's just really stressed out too but I wish he wouldn't take it out on me. Ah well, we made some cupcakes tonight which look really good :) I made some delicious muffins yesterday too and carved one soy candle, and made four others and they turned out awesome! I just have to add some decorations to the outsides of the jars to make them look more professional and cute and then I might try to sell them! That would be awesome, its always been one of my dreams to sell my creations so Im super excited about that!

Hope you all have an awesome night!

Lots of light and love,

Brit

Lookingforalight

heyy guys!

I feel like writing a little blurb today on how Im doing. In general i've been doing well lately, but today I feel really crappy, I just have the urge to run away, but I have nowhere to run to (I wanted to even go sit in tim hortons or something for awhile but I have no money right now so I can't :( maybe I'll go sit in a park later or something) I've been arguing with my bf alot lately (mostly him being grumpy and taking it out on me though, he has been put on probation from his job (which is really well paying and he had been only working there two months so far :( but there were rumours (mostly all lies though, ridiculous ones at that) and complaints from the other grouchy women that work with him that he is not keeping up and threating to punch people for no reason apparently (which he would never do especially to a woman) but there just lying to get him out of a woman dominated area it seems, they do this to almost everyone who is new which is so unfair) and so he hasen't work in about a month and were really worried and stressed about money, we've both been applying like crazy for jobs and odds and ends work but nothing has really come of it yet, my bf is going to get a few shifts this month at his old job (subway) which will help and hopefully he gets more shifts at the new job too, he has his meeting with them this week and hopefuly he can keep his job and his probation will be lifted! that would be awesome. He got called for one odd job, helping someone install a pool (getting the area ready for it) which he worked at for three days its hard work, but at the end he only got paid $130 for the whole thing and the guy is literally a multi millionaire that hired him (he owns a famous hockey arena and a granite company) but anything helps, I tried to come ask if I can help too but he said he only needs one guy so I couldn't help, but everyone is on my case to find a job as soon as I can but Im doing my best and noone wants to hire me right now it seems :( there are thousands of applicant for every job I apply at, and in the interviews I've had I've done really well but there are always people more qualified than me or they just decided to rehire all of last years people. So it's been hard, Im going to start selling some more books online again and try to sell some nice candles and crafts and maybe dresses or something I made for extra money, so I hope that can help. but I am honestly doing really well at putting myself out there and trying to make some money, but it seems like everyone is freaking out atme anyways, and there not freaking out at my bf as much even though he hasen't had much work either! It totally sexist, and its bothering me alot.

Even my bf is making me feel like crap because he's like "I technically have three jobs right now and you dont have any were not in the same boat at all" as if I'm doing nothing to help which is so untrue and very rude and hurtiful, his three jobs are care aide (which he is on probation and not allowed to work right now), subway which he has three shifts for at the end of the month and thats it so far, and the pool job which is tried to help with but wasen't allowed and is done now anyways, so he technically has no work at all either :( its so mean...

I honestly have been so close to moving home lately, I love our house sooo much and want to enjoy it, and love him, but I've been trying to think of forever and things like lack of sex life, money issues, he can't hold a job (which isn't really his fault and I feel bad for him and trying to help him out all I can but its so stressful and I dont want to have to stress like this forever), he doesn't even try to understand my depression or OCD he just gets angry, makes fun of me or is just annoyed and rude about it which doesnt help at all he has alot of issues too but I try to be kind and help himw ith them not make fun of him for doing one little ritual I'd been holding in all day!, and is really mean and grumpy sometimes which is not fun at all, he doesn't want to do anything really fun, and Im really worried about his genes, his family has some health issues and learning disabilities run in his family too along with terrible irritable bowel syndrome which I know he can't help but its all things to consider right you want your family to be as healthy as possible, he can be very sweet and kind and warm but it seems like his grumpy days always outnumber his happy days and he can be very demeaning to me :( So its hard I dont know, I love him alot and we've been together a long time but I've got to think about these things, my family really doesn't want me to marry him at all, my mom really doesn't want me to marry him even saying things as harsh as "Im not going to ever help you out with money or watch your ugly disabled kids" :( which is not nice or fair at all and I dont know if she'll ever like anyone I date because we have very different tastes in people, but ya, the restof my family likes him alright but they dont want us to be together thats for sure which makes things really hard.

I know mother's know best but she also doesn't have very good taste in men, my father was horrible, and I know she is just looking out for me (and our family image) but some of the things I've listened to her about have made me really sad and Im not sure if they were the right decision but maybe they were, its always hard to say, most of her advice and decisions are right though.

Im just overwhelmed because I turned to my bf for love and support today and hewas just so grumpy all day and rude to me and saying mean things that I got so fed up, then my mom called and made me feel horrible about not having a job yet but I think she was just tired and grumpy I know she loves me alot.

So i guess Im going to try to do some self care and keep to myself tonight and hopefully things will be awesome tomorrow and I will feel much better I think I will.

Life is so confusing sometimes eh? I wish we would just get an anoynomous cheque for a few hundred dollars lol that would be amazing and help alot! I would feel alot better if we could pay our bills and maybe go out for dinner once or do something fun this month lol it would make me feel alot happier for sure.

Have a great day guys!

Sending you lots of luck and love!

Lookingforalight

heyy guys,

Im having a really rough night...I had a good day today, and for some reason I think that's what triggered my emotions to go so haywire tonight lol. I feel similar to how I felt at my lowest point, when I was 14, and still had a major addiction to self harm, (sorry if thats triggering I'll try not to be I know how hard that can be to read sometimes!) and was just feeling so betrayed and done with the world, I was in a major blackhole, and thats how I feel tonight, not as extreme becasue I have alot more hope and promise now of potential happiness and contentment but still pretty depressed. Im also super super super tempted to self harm, I haven't since I was that age but I honestly feel it would make me feel better now...I'll try to avoid it because mostly I'm worried that potential employers will see it and be scared off or worried about me but I can be descrete also if I need to be, I dont know I know thats a horrible way of thinking, but thats how I feel right now. Everytime I resist the urge to do it, I feel good in that I've kept my record and my promise to my friend, but at the same time I feel just as sad and empty and dissappointed if I dont do anything.

I'm mainly upset tonight because someone who I've been best friends with before, then friends, and always have been close to her and her family has really hurt me recently and it just kills. I did truly care about her and her wellbeing, but the last few years she has just become a completely different person, a mean, evil, bully of a person to alot of people and I dont like it one bit. I think I wrote an entry on what happened between us when things came to a head in the situation, but basically, I invited her out to coffee to hang out (even though we had no money at all and I shouldn't have even been spending gas money but I knew she was super angry/ grouchy that day so I didn't want to not invite her out and face her wrath, although I ended up facing it anyways of course lol) and she said no not today which I politely said ok maybe next time, then a couple hours later she invited me to come to her yoga class that day that cost $30 just to drop in for the day (and she just wanted to promote the studio for benifits to her) but I couldn't afford that and I told her that politely, and she just flipped on me saying she hates that I never have the money to do the extravagant things shes always doing and called me a bunch of really hurtful, untrue and unnessary names, so then I told her that was uncalled for but Im sorry I can't afford all these things, I will be able to once I have a good job, and she proceeds to insult me more, really hurtful salt in the wound insults for no reason, and I even mention how I've been feeling depressed and going through a rough time and that she could be more understanding I've helped her out so many times when she was going through something similar and she just told me to suck it up and stop being a p**sy basically. Which was it for me I was done with her insulting me and being sarcastic everytime I saw her, throughout those years and being snobby and holding her hand and comforting her or driving her home when she was drunk and on a drama rampage so many times before, I just told her I dont deserve any of this (I was polite the whole time although I was shaking and could have punched her if she were in the room but it was over text (how cowardly btw)) and I wont have horrible people like that in my life bringing me down, and I haven't talked to her since, and dont want to.

But now after having to deal with all that, it seems like she is being rewarded again for being a bully, because she had gotten engaged a couple months ago and her friend is running a webseries with her and her fiance as the main couple and their journey to the altar, something I would love to do, and she is basically living the high life right now while we suffer and seem to have bad luck all around even though we try sooo hard to be kind to everyone (even when she was attacking me I was being assertive but kind!) and do our best to be positive and try hard toachieve good things in life but we are held back by osbsticle after obsticle it seems....

it just makes me feel soo depressed, and alone, and betrayed by everyone, I just want some good luck and fortune too...I want to fulfill my dreams without being stopped at the door infront of them!

I believe in karma and re-encarnation and that everything in life is a lesson and is working towards your life goals and purposes but I really would like to see some good luck and positive results for once! I've been waiting for so long and working so hard towards it, I just want everything to be awesome and positive and happy and to be able to keep that success and happiness for life!

Im just so upset at how unfair it seems things are, it honestly feels like the bad get constantely rewarded for hurting others while the good struggle at every step. A counsellor once said it seems like the good people live the life of a martyr, they endure the hardest struggles of them all throughout their lives, but it is for the greater good to prove you can be kind and truthful in adverse conditions, and that might be true, but I want to experience some success and happinsss in my life for sure! I think I deserve it! I feel like everyone is having such an easy successful time at life while Im struggling for just the nessesities most of the time. :(

I dont know what to do anymore, I want to consult a spiritualist to help me figure this out, but I'm gonna have to wait until we have some more money to do that. I was thinking about being asked to be blessed and cleansed by the church to see if that would help spiritually, and I think it would but I dont know how to approach the preacher about it lol

Thanks for listening if your reading this sorry its so jumbled I've got a lot on my mind right now for sure.

I just want to make enough money to pay our next months rent then I will feel much better about things Im sure of it, its just stressful because were doing everything we can to try to get work and money but noone is really calling us back, their just aren't enough jobs right now where were from :( But Im hopeful we can find someway to make enough :) I'm trying to be as positive as possible about it lol

I hope you all have had a better emotinoal night than me, I feel better now that I've written it out a bit though.

Have a good day!

Lookingforalight

heyy guys,

I couldn't sleep very well last night (I literally just decided to stay up and read until around 6 am then sleep for an hour or two lol) and today Im feeling pretty down and irritable, not just because of that just in general. The truth is I feel so dissappointed in myself, but I can't really help my circumstances, Im doing the very best I can in my situation and with my disorders but its soo hard.

Currently Im 30 credits away from finishing my Bachelor of arts, and my plan all along has been to go finish my last two years and get my Bachelor of Education (2 more years after next years entry in september to a new university) but now Im so worried about my grades being good enough, their even being a teacher's job available to me once I graduate and the astronomically large amount of student loans I will have to pay after Im done those two years is scarying me off! And Im not sure what to do.

My plan is to take the health care assistant program which is only $2 000, 6 months long and will get me hopefully at least $22 an hour which is an awesome wage for right now. But my mom and some of my friends keep saying "your so much better than that, just make sure your finish your degrees" and I will but I dont appreciate the stigma about it, people keep saying "you really want to wipe old people's butts for a living?" and its soo much more than that, their actually isn't even that much waste clean up, except for the occassional accident, its mostly washing them, getting them dressed, you can do home care, make their meals drive them around, keep them company, just take care of them and be a light in their life when maybe they have no other lights to cheer them up! I think it's a very emotionally draining position but it is definately a very valuable, and should be respected job, its not easy that's for sure, Im going to have to get my strength and stamina up before I start lol because they run around so much for long hours and very random shifts, but I dont have any kids or anything right now so thats totally ok with me.

I was also thinking of the nursing unit clerk job mostly because my mom would prefer it, she thinks it is a more respected position, but it gets paid less, and their is no guarentee of a job right away after you graduate while with care aide it is is super high demand right now.

I honestly just want to make her proud. And it seems like nothing I can do will do it. I feel so depressed all the time about that fact, because even though my brother has been in a similar boat as me lately he has been out of a job for months and months and I have to, but Im still going to school on top of it, she acts alot more proud of him. :(

She's also really on me about my weight saying how I need to lose weight to be respected (which is super mean I know and i dont feel its true but she does obviously, so she doesn't respect me, even if it is completely not my fault Im overweight right now, and Im trying to lose weight but it just wont come off.

But anyways, I worry so much that even if I do super well in the care aide course and graduate, and I probably will finish my assosiate of arts at the same time and receive that, she might be dissappointed and embarrassed of me, which is silly and mean but I dont know thats what Im worried about :(

It's also soo hard because my sister is going down the BSW route (which I can do too, Im thinking about it), and is going to attend her new school and finish it up in the next two years probably, so she's most likely to graduate with her full degree before I do, and this makes me really sad, Im really happy for her, but everyone treats her like she's the perfect child because she's doing exactely as my mom wants her to, my mom said move home and she did right away, my mom said break up with your boyfriend she did right away and I just can't do either of those things, I love my bf he is my best friend and supporter and I love living in our own place together, I would like to live at home with everyone I love them alot and miss them alot but I know it might not be good for me on a day to day basis, I might get alot of abuse again (verbal).

So I dont know I feel so crappy about myself and my situation right now, and I feel like even if I got a job right now and took my course it might not be good enough, I just want everyone to look up to me and be proud of me. I wish they could be proud of my inner progress, and I think they are, but its not like I have a certificate of much improved mental health and confidence lol I wish I did! I think we all should have one! its alot of hard work!

I just wish I could feel happy and proud of myself, Im trying to be and I know Im doing very well in some things and have improved alot for sure in many areas of my life.

Do you guys think I should go for the bachelor of arts (which would be one or one and a half more years of lots of classes and probably around $10 000), then get my secondary school teacher education which would be one more year at around $10 000, or try to take some more classes to get my grades up more for a better chance of getting in, then apply for the elementary school teacher program which is two more years at around $20 000, or go into social work which would be two more years also at $20 000 but I think would be a bit easier to get into (I hope lol), I dont know I might be worrying for nothing, but Im just worried about cost and time, I dont want to be in school forever lol I think I'd have good enough grades to get into any of them but Im worried because it would be so upsetting to wait a year to find out if Im in or not and then have to wait another whole year if Im not, its very nerve racking for sure.

Is there anything else I can do with the most part of a BA in psychology and english? Another option is to work at the care aide, and finish my BA through distance education, but I dont think I can do the whole thing that way (I wish I could!)

Any suggestions would help! Thanks guys! Hope you have a wonderful day!

Lookingforalight

Heyy guys! So we finally have the internet back! and tv! whoohoo! we had to wait for about a month after moving to get it because they accidentally mixed up our set up dates but thats ok we got a lot of reading and other things done so its good :) but it`s so nice to be able to go to internet for inspiration and happiness when your feeling down or overwhelmed :) and to check on all your essential things like bills and such! so much easier to have internet in your own home :)

I`ve been doing really good lately, feeling really happy, but on and off I feel myself getting depressed and overwhelmed with stress and I try my best not to go into a depressed state of mind but its very hard sometimes! I am still being very positive about it though :) which is awesome!

It`s mostly stress over worrying about my bf`s job and hoping if something goes wrong he can get another one soon and that I can find a good one soon too! I`ve been looking for so long! But I just dont know if anyone will hire me yet because out here their are literally hundreds if not more applicants for every job and some with a lot more qualifications than me! So it`s hard but Im not giving up hope, I`ll definately try to make money unconventional ways like selling my crafts and art online and selling books, doing odds and ends work and that sort of thing.

I was even offered to speak in an episode on national geographic on living with OCD which wouldbe amazing but worrisome in some ways of course (I dont want to embarrass myself or anyone else I know! but I think it would be such an awesome experience and opportunity!) Im not sure if it`s a legitimate opportunity yet, it seems like it but then again I`ve been tricked before with shifty things lol so I dont know but it would be cool if its real for sure :)

I`m really careful about it, just in case it is not real of course. But ya.

I`m a little down about friends today, I have about three friends that I absolutely love and I know I trust and are awesome and amazing...but all the rest aquaintences or friends from the past that weren`t so good they stress me out soooo much because they want to hang out with me again which is very nice of them but I know that most of them are very emotionally unstable and might flip out or attack me for no reason and that really worries me I dont trust any of them, but I feel like I should hang out with them or they will get mad and attack me anyways :( it`s such a catch 22 its stressful lol I dont know. I feel soo bad that I`ve had to stop hanging out with so many people :( its really not in my nature I like to be kind and friendly to everyone but if someone is mistreating me and making me feel horrible I dont want to be there friend! I`ve had too many toxic relationships with friends to know which ones are just using me or are just horrible people and I dont want to be around them and have them bring me down, but then I feel so badly and guilty when they attack me saying Im so mean for not hanging out with them...*sigh* its too stressful and juvenile and silly! I wish ppl would grow up already really but oh well what can you do hopefully they will soon and be nice and grown up about these things!

I dont know do you guys think I should hang out with them? Im worried too they`ll be all nice asking me to hang out then trap me someone and bombard me with questions of why I haven`t seen them enough lately...ahh lol but I dont know. I was thinking I could casually see them all once and have more people around in a public place and then hopefully they will be satisfied and I wont feel so guilty about it anymore lol. Sounds silly but I do worry about that I`ve actually had alot of people do that to me before, come over or invite me out on false pretenses then verbally attack me :( its not cool and I know its bullying but it still stresses me out worrying about it. And I know a good friend would never do that, a grown up friend would understand how busy everyone is all the time with school and work and responsibilities and why we cant hang out all the time or be irresponsible staying up all night or partying. I think Im just too mature for my age, I`ve always felt more comfortable with much older people than me, I can`t really relate to people my age very well (late teens early twenties) :S lol

My closests friends are married or closer to 30 and I think its much better that way!

What do you guys think? Should I go out with them once so i dont feel bad about it anymore? Or just ignore them and be polite when I see them? I dont know :S I think its mostly facebook thats stressing me out because peolpe can attack you on there and not even think about it and think that they can get away with it because it`s `not real` when it really is, its cyber bullying! I want to delete my facebook but I like to have it to keep in contact with people who have moved far away or look up old friends I want to see again, but I might delete it anyways, things are much less stressful without facebook drama going on! lol

Hope you all are having a great week! lots of love!

Lookingforalight

Heyy guys

So ive been having a hard time emotinally lately i know their is soo much going on that i have to give myself a break but i still feel a bit like crap lol we moved into our new place which we love so much but of course im stressed out about being the perfect tenants but i k ow we are really good so we shouldnt have to worry but ournew landlady is really nervous so because shes a first time landlord so it makeame nervous lol

And i have my final coming uphave to unpack my bfs parents are coming up next week and am trying to find a job in an impossible economyplus my mom is really puttingpressure onme about losing weight and i have to deal withstudent loan applications and organising a d choose which shorter course to take and hopefully not but mybf is worried about losinghisnew good paying job but i hope not werejuststarting to get ahead lol my goodness its alot i just wantthings tobe good always andgo right for once im going to hope a d pray it will lol

Wish me luck!

Lookingforalight

Heyy guys,

Im feeling really down today, just soo stressed out. We finished moving into our new awesome place today which is so awesome and Im very excited about! but Im just so stressed out too. I love my mom so much but she was really stressing me out a little bit by keeping on rubbing in that she thinks I could be a better "housewife" even though Im not married and I do try, I just really didnt get a chance to clean the old place before they came over to help us move, so she was really upset and kept on making me feel bad that it was so messy and was saying I should move home if I can't handle it, which is really rude but I know she wants the best for me and today she kept saying she just really doesn't want me to marry my bf of four years because she wants me to marry someone more successful and smart, which is valid, but she makes me feel so bad saying things like " well I guess I'll just have to accept you throwing your life away" and really mean things like that which aren't fair and aren't true! I mean I love him alot Im just taking my time deciding if we should get married or not, I would like to, but there are issues such as money, our sex life, and other things but not everyone's perfect, the only things that would really worry me are his famillies health history, his ability to keep a job (though thats not really fair to judge either I support him no matter what), and our sex life (which really needs to improve or I know I'll feel really depressed during the marriage (not that Im a sex maniac, just more than three times a year would be nice!) but ya... I dont know she's just been on me pretty hard about this kind of thing she really doesn't want us to get married, and I want to take a six month course to get a good paying job and finish my teachers degree next year after I've worked for awhile (because my student loan payments are wayy to much and stressing me out sooo much!) so I will definately finish my degree but I dont know if Im going to finish my BA, then one year of secondary school teacher education or 2 years more of elementary school teaching education (which I would love more) but Im so afraid I might not be able to get in, I've been struggling with school this semester because of my OCD and depression more than usual but Im trying my best, hopefully I do well in my course...Im so nervous about it, but praying and trying my best to do as well as I can. I need to be a complete professional to make her proud of me it feels like (and Im pretty sure its true) so she might be more dissappointed in me if I just take this course and earn money for awhile, but at the same time she's really on me to make more money and to save up. lol so I dont know everything is a contridiction lol. I just feel like I can't make her happy with me and that's all I want to do and it makes me so depressed. If I dont do well in my class I'll feel soo stupid and sad about it, I am really good at school that's my thing but I just am so burnt out lately I can't seem to do it, but I will try my best to get as high a grade as possible and hopefully it will all be ok. Im also really nervous with the teachers strike and a block on hiring new teachers if I will be able to get a good job after all this schooling at all, I hope I will.

Im so nervous about student loan bills, and everything Im just a nervous wreck right now I can't even sleep at all, its ridiculous, even when I feel like I've done well all day I still can't sleep because of frightening anxiety attacks, *sigh* its just so exhausting I just want to be proud of myself and enjoy life and relax a little lol. I dont know maybe I'll go back to counselling and hopefully I will be able to make myself feel better about myself, I know Im doing very well in healing my anxiety (despite my increase in anxiety lately, but I think thats understandable with so much going on right now, even if some of it is positive)

Were also so nervous because my bf just got a good paying job and he's only had it for two months but they keep on talking to him and he is afraid he might lose it, I really hope not because it's the first time in years we haven't had to worry about having enough money to pay rent and buy food and have a little left over to buy clothes or have fun with! it's been so wonderful, I hope it will be ok, Im gonna stay positive and hopefully it will be good.

Were also nervous because the house we've moved into is amazzingg but the upstairs is for sale so we dont knw what the new landlords will be like or if they'll want us (they should though I hope most homeowners want tenants to help subsidize the morgage so I think we'll be ok) and they can only raise the rent by a little bit per year if thats what they want to do so hopefully we'll be ok, but its still nerve racking for sure. lol

My goodness, lol Im just so stressed with all this going on but Im staying positive and I know it'll be ok, this is just the hurtle before we can relax and enjoy life and be so happy! :D

lol

Hope you all are doing great!

And I hope I can relax and be happy and enjoy everything soon! lol Im sure I will be able too soon :D

Love Brit

Lookingforalight

Update time! Hi guys, I'm doing alright, Im pretty happy right now but very anxious all this week, but then again their has been alot going on, even if most of it is good!

I think Im mostly going through a hormonal time right now, my hormones are all over the place, because my sleeping pattern is completely thrown off from having to drive my bf to work at all random times some at night, some early in the morning, it all depends, and I've been super sore this week because I played baseball on the weekend and I think I tore some muscles or at least strained them pretty bad in my shoulders, and (sorry its this is too much information for the boys) but I've been having the weirdest period lately, it's lastest about two weeks (which is weird for me mine is usually really short and heavy) but it was super light the first week and now really heavy this week with no signs of stopping so thats making me pretty tired out. Sorry for the gross mental images lol.

So this week I was applying for jobs, and actually got two job interviews/ one kind of offer this week so those were really stressful but very promising and exciting and awesome, and I think I got the job! So that's awesome but also pretty nerve racking I have to wait a couple weeks for them to call me back so ya just waiting for that and I got an offering at the place my bf used to work but now that he's quit they are being a little immature and might not hire me because they're pouting (quite literally lol it's a silly situation)

And we're of course moving on monday hopefully so that's awesome but also pretty stressful, espcially since Im packing everything by myself so far cause my bf has been so busy/ tired out wanting to rest during the day which is making me a little annoyed but Im trying not to complain and just ask him nicely because he has been working really hard lately (but so have I! :()

And we were really stressed out for about two days because we heard that his mom had had another stroke and his dad was too distressed to tell anyone what was happening (they live 10 hours away) so we were all freaking out for a full day hoping that she's ok, it's about her 5th stroke, but thank god she was fine, just scared everyone at first, she is doing great no more speech infediments than before so that's awesome. And he got to talk to her today so that was good he felt alot better now that he could hear her voice and hear that she is doing fine.

And It's a wonderful thing but also a little stressful Im going to start my volunteer work with the schools soon so that will be really fun :)

Im mostly stressed out about my one class too Im studying at home and doing my best but I have missed the last couple classes (which is ok I can learn all the same info at home so its not a big deal) but I still feel pretty bad for missing them and now Im really scared to go back because I dont want the teacher to be upset at me, but I am keeping up on things and can learn just as easily at home and save the gas money, but ya lol I have an over active guilt gland for sure, but it's ok.

So ya lol lots of things going on, mostly awesome things, which is wonderful and I truly appreciate them! And want more awesome good things to happen soon lol but its still pretty stressful all at once for sure. I just want a nice spa vacation day or something lol.

Hope you have a wonderful weekend and find many good things to be happy about! And not to stress :) lol

Lookingforalight

heyy guys, so today I woke up really anxious (because Im hoping to get a lot of things done today, many of which Im terrified to do and have been avoiding so far lol) but it's so hard when I feel like Im having a panic attack as I wake up because I usually only have a few minutes to get my clothes on and drive my bf to work, so its very rushed and nerve racking for me. (I have the most anxiety right before bed and as I get up especially if i have to get up fast or early) and then it takes me forever to calm myself down and go back to bed (he usually goes to work really early) if I want to, or just stay up and be calm.

It's also really embarrassing because when Im in a rush my full OCD symptoms come up and I end up saying my obsessions out loud because they are so fast and pesistant in my head I have to conteract them by saying "safe words" out loud (I know it sounds crazy but really thats what alot of obsessional OCDers have to do because of their "scary thoughts" in order to make them go away) but it is really embarrassing and my bf always laughs at me when I do it, which is good in a way because it makes light of the situation but it does hurt my feelings like he just thinks Im being ridiculous or funny, when Im really suffering with a panic attack. But I don't mind when he laughs because sometimes when he's more grumpy he gets really annoyed with it which makes me a lot more mad because I really have come far with treating my OCD by myself, and becoming mentally healthier and he doesn't understand or acknowledge the struggle very much, telling me I could just stop it, which is just kind of ignorant, but thats ok if he doesn't want to focus on learning about OCD then thats fine its up to him but it would be nice for sure if he was more understanding, sometimes he can be very nice about it and stops using "scary" triggering words and changes the channel on the TV when it gets really bad, which I appreciate very much but at the same time if he is interested in the show or feels like talking about creepy things that will for sure make me very anxious he will do it anyways because he wants to and brush me off about it which is not very nice :( but at the same time I understand he doesn't want to censor his world completely but it would make things a lot more easy for me if he just didn't watch the news while I am in the room or use those words or describe scary news stories to me...it would really help.

but anyways I do really appreciate it when he does help me out and doesn't mention those things thats when I love him the most because he takes the time to make me feel confortable and cared about :)

But anyways I will try to get the things I need to get done today but its going to be hard, maybe I'll just try to do the baby steps and get them done tomorrow and just start them today, anyways Im going to make sure I reward myself for even getting any of it done for sure though! (got to keep myself motivated lol)

Wish me luck!

Lookingforalight

heyy guys,

Im having an ok day today, my bf is working literally all day long so Im pretty lonely. I spend the morning folding clothes, making lunch for him, dropping it off and cleaning some dishes...not too exciting I watched a cute valentines day movie on tv though, but it made me feel even lonelier, I miss that really exciting, romantic part of love, I have just been feeling like a poor housewife lately which sucks...Im not the housewife type at all, I do love to take care of people and try to take care of the house, but its sooo small and we have so much random stuff its so hard to keep clean, Im constantely cleaning, but it just gets super messy again by the end of the day, and we have no money right now until the 15th which I hope and pray we can use some of the money for makeup (cheap stuff but makeup none the less because Im completely out and would like to look nice when I go to school and out!) and something fun like a movie, that would be amazing, even if I could buy one top I would be sooo excited lol

So its a little hard because I dont have any money to go out or hang out with friends, so I can't drive around too much to save gas and can't do anything really until I have a job too. oh well. I can't wait to just have fun with food, make some nice meals, go out with friends again and just have some fun! Im super lonely right now and I just feel like crying and sleeping alot of the time. Oh well.

Everyone seems pretty stressed and bummed right now too so its understandable but its hard when noones excited about anything lol

So hopefully I will find something to do that is fun and will enjoy my night!

I also have to think about whether Im moving home or not, I feel better cause its beautiful and relaxing up here and their is alot of company, and I get to decorate my own room but I love my boyfriend soo much and do want to live with him and Im worried my mom will be moody and angry at me alot of the time if I move up here but she really really wants me to (I have a feeling its just cause she really wants me to get away from my bf but he hasen't done anything wrong he's a really sweet, awesome guy! so I dont know I dont really get it but I do want her to feel better and proud of me with everything.)

Anyways I think things will be much brighter and happier once we have a lot more money coming in which is soon hopefully! and then we can relax and have fun again! and actually buy things once in awhile and have lots of food in the house! it will be wonderful!

Thanks for listening guys! hope your having a great day with lots of happiness and relaxation and joy!

Lookingforalight

Heyy guys,

So lately I've been having a lot of trouble with my anxiety especially my obsessive compulsive disorder. I really should find a job and work on saving up some more money for next year's tuition but I am so anxious (not even just surface anxiety or explainable anxiety, I wake up with panic attacks and compulsive thoughts all day long about it, and am shaking and crying whenever I think about it, Im terrified on a subconscious level which is a little scary to me :() and that anxiety is making me really depressed. I feel like Im stuck between a rock and a hard place because if I dont get a job I'll still be anxious and feel guilty about it, but if I do, I will be sooo anxious and if god forbid I couldn't keep the job Im so worried I would be just devasted and everyone would be so ashamed of me. So I don't want to take the risk because I feel like my family is so ashamed of me anyways, I dont want to add to it :( That's what's making me so depressed and that I just can't seem to talk myself of out the anxiety, I tried to fix up my resume and go drop some off today but I just couldn't, I had constant panic attacks and would start bawling and physically couldn't go out the door, I dont know what's wrong with me right now but its really frusterating. The only reasons I feel like my family is ashamed or annoyed with me is that they don't like my boyfriend and want me to move home as soon as I can and get a job AND do the career that makes them happy. And I am not comfortable doing many of those things, I love my boyfriend and we have been together for four years, we get along great but the only things that are hard is our lack of sex life and his grumpy/ judgemental/ rudeness sometimes, but I feel happy where I am with him and don't want to do anything to jepordize that. I only have two more years of schooling left to become a teacher and that will be wonderful but now I have to wait a year to apply to the graduate part of the school so I feel horrible about that...my sister might be graduating before me now which makes me look like crap :( and makes me feel horrible and she has a job right now too so my mom thinks she's perfect and my bro is job searching too and is living at home so she's very happy with him too they just seem to be dissappointed in me...but Im not all that different from them and I've had to overcome alot more in my life than they have and it has scarred me and taken me a long time to start to recover...so its not fair to bunch me in with people who were happy and had lots of friends and a better time than me :( I am really happy for them and glad things are easier for them for sure I just wish I could get good things happening to me too, that would be perfect (and only fair I think).

*sigh* lol so anyways I dont know I just feel like I have no time to work through my issues and just have to throw myself into the lion's den and go for it but Im soo scared it's so hard I don't know what I can do to convince myself it will be alright, because in my heart Im too fearful to believe that.

Do you guys have any idea what I could do to overcome my fears or at least get into a better state of mind?

:( I just feel like its all work and no play already and I want to enjoy life more!

Thanks,

Brit