That`s how I feel a great deal of the time.I am just so depressed right now.I don`t know what else to do to make it go away.My head is filled with darkness.I want to let the light in but I don`t know how.I`ve taken/take the meds and I`ve read tons of books about my disorder but nothing seems to help.I`m always just so tired.In the morning I don`t want to get of bed ,in the evening my anxiety starts up.When I my head down to rest at night all these anxious thoughts fill up my head.I see my pdoc next week and I don`t want to go.I guess it`s just because I have a hard time talking to other people and it makes me feel uncomfortable and I really just don`t like it.I am hopelessly awkward and shy and I hate myself.I guess I`m writing this because I don`t know what else to do.
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I`m sitting here thinking about how to start this.Since I last wrote my pdoc added an anti depressant to my cocktail of latuda,abilify and alprazolam.I haven`t really noticed any change yet but I`ve heard it can take up tp 4 to 6 weeks.The ad he added was wellbutrin.
I try to keep things locked up inside of me and I do know that it isn`t good to do that.I believe that`s why I used to self harm so much.Lately I`ve been hearing it calling me again.I have to be honest.....sometimes I want to give in to it so badly.The sad fact is that is was a release for me.I guess I didn`t have any other way of releasing those emotions.For me it meant temporary relief.I miss the relief (if only for the moment) it gave me.The bad side of it was that it left me with a not so lovely parting gift.A permanent scar for temporary relief.It was not a fair trade.I now have ugly reminders of what I`ve done to myself.I used to think of them as battle scars.Now I just think they are ugly.That`s why I have been trying to not self harm.I don`t want anymore scars.
The depression is bad.It starts to get worse at night.I don`t know why that is.That`s when I start to feel lonely and oh so empty.Then the irritability gets to me.When I lie down to rest then the thoughts get worse.Yes I also have them during the day but in the daytime it`s easier to get distracted by other things.Regular things like cleaning and laundry and running errands.At night I just feel so alone.I feel so alone in this.I wish I could talk about it.I wish that type of thing came easier for me.I think that maybe that might help.I hope that something can help.
***********************May Be Triggering Self Injury*******************************************************
This depression is really kicking me down right now.I try to hold it together,I keep everything inside but God do I feel like giving up sometimes.My p doc upped my Abilify and I also take latuda and alprazolam for my anxiety.I just feel tired and feel like I need some relief.I don`t know what else I can do to cope.I used to use self injury as a coping mechanism.But I haven`t cut or burned myself in months.I have really tried to stop and not return to that behavior.It sucks to admit this but sometimes I miss SI ing.It was once for me something I could turn to when I couldn`t stand everything else going on inside and outside of me.When I felt numb it made me feel alive.I sadly miss that bandage around my wrist with the wound undernreath that still hurt.It was proof to me of just how much I hurt on the inside.Even though I sometimes do miss it I don`t want to return to it.All it`s left me with it ugly scars.I hate what I`ve done to myself.I hate feeling this way numb and empty and full of dread.
I haven`t been to bed yet and it`s a little after 3:00 in the morning here.Just didn`t feel like going to bed last night.I don`t know if it`s a good or bad thing.I used to be like that all the time.I used to only sleep every other day.I just couldn`t sleep.Yesterday I had a hard time getting out of bed.All this gets to be very exhausting.Lately though my sleeping patterns have been better.I mostly sleep every day now.Which is good and normal.I don`t want to slip back into old sleeping patterns.Tonight was weird though.I stayed up listened to some music watched some of season 1 of The Mindy Project (which is by the way very funny).
I have my ok days where I am able to enjoy some things and I have my bad days where I can`t enjoy anything and everything bugs me and I don`t have any energy.This illness really,really sucks especially on my bad days.I still count my blessings though.I thank God for my family and I know that there are so many people that have it worse in life.I try to be grateful for the things I do have in my life.I still wish for some things I don`t have though. I do wish I wouldn`t feel so sad and lonely.I wish I wouldn`t feel so empty and numb a great deal of the time.I wish I wasn`t ill.
Well it`s sunday.I `ve had a pretty nice week.Most of it was nice until I started to feel bad again.I mostly start to feel bad around the evening.I don`t know why.It`s odd to me because I used to be such a night owl.Now on my bad days I just can`t wait to get to bed.I feel so awful that I just want to sleep so I don`t have to feel bad anymore.My head either feels empty or it feels crowded and full of things to worry about.I would like to feel peaceful one day.This feels like too much sometimes.
I saw the p doc today.Which was really hard in the first place because I always get nervous when I have to see him.It`s not because of him or anything (he`s really nice). It`s because of my I really get nervous when I have to talk to other people and leave the house. Well anyway we discussed my not sleeping and anxiety.He tells me he wants me to try lithium. I `m really scared to try it after what I`ve been reading. I was once diagnosed as bipolar now diagnosed as 2.He tells me this might help with with my illnesss.I guess I`m just really frightened right now and just needed to vent here.
I`m tired so tired but I can`t sleep.I`m feeling horribly anxious right now.All I want right now is to go to sleep and make these horrible feelings go away.I have the incredible urge to self harm right now.I`m trying to fight it.It`s the only way to get relief.I can`t though.I can`t hurt myself tonight but I just want these feelings to go away.All I want to do is feel better.Why does this have to happen? I want to cry right now.I`m just so tired of being ill.
I don`t know how to start this.
I haven`t been doing so well.I have no energy and no motivation.Simple everyday tasks seem to take enormous effort.I don`t know what to do.I end up hiding away in my bedroom
I had this heavy weight on my chest.It was my anxiety.I needed relief from my anxiety and all of the thoughts running through this messed up head of mine.I ended resorting to what I always do when things beome overwhelming for me.I hurt myself.Yes it felt better to have that release but shortly after that I feel guilty for going to that extreme for just a little relief.But I felt I had to stop those thoughts for just a little while and that`s the only way I know how to stop them.
I feel so tired and drained this morning after not sleeping again.I had a really bad night and ended up si ing.I`ve been really trying not to even though the urges I felt were so strong, I just wanted the thoughts to stop so I could get some rest.I just wanted to feel better.
I suffer from insomnia.I think I`ve said that before.Sometimes though I don`t feel like going to bed.I want to stay up all night.I know I need to sleep but I don`t want to,need to.I suppose that goes hand in hand with this illness.Other times I don`t want to leave my bed.It feels like my best friend.Sleepytime is the only time I don`t have this crap rolling over and over in head.It just won`t let me rest.I`ve been living with this for years.I `ve been on many different meds.Some help for a bit then poop out.Some don`t feel like they help at all.Others turn you into a drooling zombie where you can`t feel a thing.Hey I`m not anti meds not at all.I guess in spite of it all.I still have hope that one day I`ll hit the med lottery.
Trigger warning si
When this thing makes me feel dead to world I might be on the opposite side.I feel like I want to jump out of skin.Then there are the times when I feel nothing.Nothing makes me happy ,nothing makes me sad.I feel just like this big,blank,empty nothing.Don`t get me wrong their are still things that give me pleasure but when you are in that space(depression or nothingness)nothing can make you happy.I`ve been dealing with mental illness for years now.At first I was only being treated for depression.Only recently have I started to be treated for bipolar I .If you asked me how I felt right now,right at this moment it would feel hard to describe.Like I said before sometimes I feel nothig but sometimes things hurt so much that it feels like that feeling will never go away.I think that`s where my SI comes in.I have to hurt myself to release those feelings that make me hurt.I have to do it to wake myself up out of those nothingness feelings.I know that sounds messed up and maybe it is.It sometimes is a means for survival.I guess that`s it.
I`ve been trying to write this blog but my head felt foggy and cloudy.i couldn`t seem to get the words out.I guess my head is feeling clearer now.
A little while ago I was listening to some music and I just started crying.I feel so lost right now.I don`t know what`s going to become of me.I just feel so sad all the time.I want to be happy I want to be okay.I feel like I`ve spent my whole life staring out of the window watching life pass me by. I`ve been ill for a long time now and my life feels wasted.I feel so lonely and it feels like I`ll always be alone because I`m not worth anyone loving.I never,never,ever feel good enough.I`m not worth it.
I feel this way all the time.I feel like I`ll never find my place in this world.I know I`ve said this before but I feel like I don`t belong....anywhere.I always feel out of place.I don`t even feel comfortable within myself.I sometimes wish I was like those other people I see.The people that have someone.The people that have tons of fun and lots of friends.It feels like I`m always the outsider,a misfit.
These highs and lows and backs and forths have me exhausted.I`m having a hard time getting to sleep and then if I do fall asleep I wake up over and over again.I can`t shut off my brain.The thoughts inside churn and burn and twist and turn inside my head.They won`t allow me to rest and sleep.They just repeat,repeat.
I feel so restless sometimes and sometimes my bed is my best fiend.It offers comfort and solace.I want to stay there all day.Sometimes I can`t get up because I`m too tired.Tired of what?Everything.You don`t have the right to be tired.But I am tired.When I`m restless I want to jump out of my skin.I want to pull my hair out.I need to calm myself ......that`s when I usually hurt myself.It makes things better for a while.It lets me rest and forget....until it doesnt.Then it all comes back again.
I`ve been really struggling lately.I have real difficulty getting out of bed.Everyday things take enormous effort.I`ve been so down I really miss my manic energy.I know that seems strange to say but at times I
don`t feel like moving.I just want to cry all the time.My anxiety is also worse.I start to panic when I have to leave the house or just be around a lot of people.I feel like self harming all the time just to make the pain go away.Just for a while,just for a minute to be free from the weight on my chest.I want to be free from the racing thoughts that plague me when I lie down on my bed and try to sleep.I want to be free from the constant pounding,the noise in my head that won`t let be be.I hear it says do it you`ll feel better.I give in and hurt myself.Why do I have to be like this?I feel like I don`t belong or will never fit in anywhere.
I`m tired of fighting this.It`s been going on for years.I keep fighting and trying.I try my best to keep busy, I take the meds.I am exhausted and so sad.This sadness goes down deep.I feel like I`m sinking further and further.My life is meaningless and I am worthless.Everything hurts so much.I don`t want to be in this body anymore.
I feel so exhausted sometimes physically and mentally.I feel my body,mind and spirit are tired.I get tired of trying.Why do things have to be so difficult?My body and head ache. I wish I could lie down and rest.I wish I could close my eyes and have things be quiet and peaceful.I can`t have that though,my brain wont allow.It won`t let me rest.I feel like I`m being tormented my own head.I only want peace and quiet and rest.I`m getting to tired to try anymore.I can`t stop crying.I can`t hold it in anymore.I don`t want to go back to that ugly,scary place.I don`t like it there.It`s scary and I hate it there
I haven`t been doing too well.My pdoc switched me from seroquel to abilify.So now I`m on cymbalta,abilify remeron and lorazepam.I`m not liking the abilify so far.My pdoc prescribed 30 mgs at bedtime.It`s hard to stay asleep on it.I keep waking up and can`t get comfortable in my bed.I keep fidgeting and need to keep changing positions.I know it`s still early so hopefully the side effects are a temporary nuisance.
Sometimes I can`t stop these racing thoughts.I can`t sit still and I talk too fast.Other times my brain feels fuzzy.I can`t think and find it difficult to concentrate.I sit and stare into space or I lie in my bed and stare and my bedroom walls because I can`t stand to do anything else.The lights are too bright and the loud noises hurt my head.I feel like I`m sinking deeper into this disease and it really ,really scares me.
I`ve been self harming more frequently.It`s sometimes the only thing that quiets the noises in my head.It numbs my pain.It brings me a bit of peace that I`m sorry to say not many other things do.
Things are okay at the moment I guess.I mostly feel numb and blank.I suppose it`s better than the alternative.The alternative is pain,anxiety and overwhelming sadness.I guess it is okay sometimes.But those feelings always return.Sometimes I just want to scream so loud or punch a wall or something.I just want to let it all out.I want to release the black thing inside of me.The one that tells me to hurt myself.It tells me do it you`ll feel better.The one that makes me doubt myself.The one that tells me that I`m nothing and I`ll never be anything.I hate her,I hate her,I hate her!!!
I haven`t written here in a while.I guess things haven`t been going to well for me.I try to just keep going and I say it`s okay but it really isn`t.I guess lots of us to that.People ask "How are you? " The answer is always "I`m okay
I haven`t left the house much lately.I did go see a movie which was homework from my therapist.He was very happy that I did that.That`s one positive note I guess.I really like my therapist.He`s really nice.I just can`t seem to get excited or happy about anything.It makes life seem grey and meaningless.I feel so tired all the time.It`s ironic because I`m having trouble sleeping.I haven`t SH lately but I`ve made a mess of my cuticles.I sometimes do that without noticing that I`m doing it.
At night I can`t turn it off.My thoughts come so fast it`s hard to focus.I wish they could understand.I wish they could understand because they say to try harder.Go out for a walk ect,ect,ect.You`ll feel better.This is consuming me body and soul.I don`t know what else I can do.
I have really been struggling lately.I am so,so depressed.I have such low energy that getting out of bed seems like a daunting task..Just doing everyday things fills me with anxiety.I had a panic attack on tuesday and couldn`t complete my errands.I had to go back home and take my meds.I feel this deep,deep depression.I really feel like I am losing hope.It hurts so much to feel this way.It`s hard to feel pleasure in anything anymore.It`s hard to keep going like this.I am so tired.
I haven`t written here in a while.The truth is I guess I just haven`t had the strength to do it.I just need to get some things off my chest I guess.
My sister was here the other day and she said a few things that made me kind of angry.It was about my dealing with my mental illness.One of the things she said to me was that she did not think that I was trying hard enough.I told her that she didn`t understand what goes through my head day after day.The thing is I have been trying.I really have been trying.I try hard to keep myself busy and try to stay positive.It`s really difficult when all you`d like to do is just sleep because that`s the only time you have peace.It`s difficult because everything you do requires enormous effort.I know everyone and pressures and worries.I guess what I`m trying to say is that this is an illness.Just like any other physical illness.Just because you can`t see it doesn`t mean it isn`t there.I`d like to tell her try walking in my shoes.
I also get constantly told if I was more religious I would be okay.I`m not the most religious person on earth I admit but I do believe in God.They make me feel like this is my fault like I chose to be this way.Who would actually choose to be this way?All this makes me very sad because I thought they understood but really they don`t.
I am feeling very empty and numb right now.I guess I`d just rather feel nothing at all right now.Everything else hurts too much right now.
I `ve just been feeling so lost and blue these days.I feel like I`m sinking deeper and deeper.Everything is cloaked in darkness and I can`t see clearly anymore.I`m just so lost and alone.I try to keep it all inside because it`s really difficult for me to talk about it.It`s much easier for me to write these things down.Things really hurt so bad right now.I want to feel happy and I really,really try.I keep myself busy but at the end of the day and I`m by myself there it is again.Like an ever present black cloud hanging over me.Sometimes it`s not darkness but nothingness.I don`t know which is worse,.to feel overwhelming sadness or nothing at at all.I just want all of it to stop
I can`t sleep and that it is what I crave the most.Sleep is really one of the only time I feel peace.I`m not thinking about what a pathetic,loser I am.I`m not pointing out my every flaw.This is when I get urges to hurt myself.I can`t let it out any other way.I know that`s not a healthy way to deal with things but it works for me if only for a little while.
Will this go on forever?Will it ever end?
Sorry for moaning and complaining.
Feeling very pensive tonight or should I say this morrning.I have this overwhelming feeling of sadness and loneliness.
Some things from last week have made me upset.It`s about my dad and his bad temper.When he gets angry it really bothers me.My sister and two of her kids were at the house.My dad was writing a phone message down and the pen stopped working.He got so angry that he threw the pen across the room.He was just so angry about that.My sister told him what a great example he was setting for his grandkids.My Mom just says leave him alone.I don`t know how she can take all the crap.He`s a Vietnam Vet.I know that has a lot to do with it.The thing is he won`t admit it.Anyway on Friday my sis got back from work and came to pick up her children.She was having a horrible day and then her car wouldn`t start.My Dad gets all angry at her like it`s her fault.He just starts being mean to her and my mom.I When we were kids and he would get scary angry my way of dealing was just to withdraw.Me and my older sister were talking about this and were saying how scared we used to get.When he gets angry he says mean things.He`ll apologize later but sometimes the damage is already done.I love him and everything but he really has anger issues.
I have been trying really hard this week to get this sleeping thing fixed.I either can`t sleep or sleep to much.I`ve also been having really strong si urges.I did give in the other day.I know it`s weird but I felt like I could breathe again after.
I Get So Lost Sometimes Days Pass And This Emptiness Fills My Heart
I`m feeling pretty lonely tonight.I want to si so badly right now.Just to feel something other than what I am feeling right now.I feel the darkness creeping in again.It`s dark and noisy upstairs then sometimes it`s so quiet and empty and blank.I`ve been having such a difficult time getting to sleep.I want to rest but I don`t take my meds so I can stay up all night.I know this is not good for me but I do it anyway.I don`t want to leave the house.I just want to stay where I feel safe.I don`t want to feel like this anymore.I want to have a purpose in life and just not take up space.I am nothing.I am no one.
I went to my p doc today.He`s keeping me on the same meds which are 120 of Cymbalta,600 of seroquel and lorazepam.I was kind of glad things stayed the same.
I spent last week ill with a cold.I`m feeling better physically.It hit me pretty hard.I`ve been pretty down.I`m afraid it`s happening again.I didn`t sleep last night.It`s almost midnight here and I`m pretty wound up.I feel like I`m going too fast again.The thoughts are coming fast.I feel like I don`t need to sleep.I am going to take my meds and try though.
Positives for today.My Mom got me out of the house today.We did a little shopping.It was nice.Another one today my baby niece celebrated her first birthday.She is so adorable and a little ray of sunshine.My nieces and nephews make me laugh.It always cheers me up to have them around.And I am grateful for my wonderful Mother.We had some nice talks today.It`s because of my family that I keep trying.I would never want to hurt them and I want them to be proud of me someday.