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Up,Down And All Around

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Lady Mozzer

Living in this state is hard.I sometimes feel like I`m dead inside.I really don`t feel alive.I am this empty shell that just exists and just takes up space.What kind of person was I before this?Sometimes I can`t even remember what kind of person I was before.I wonder why I was put on this planet.What am I meant to do?I just feel so worthless sometimes.

I am grateful for the things I do have.I just wish I could enjoy things more.Even things that used to make me happy don`t seem to anymore.I feel like I`m living inside a grey world where colors don`t exist anymore.I feel I have no purpose in this life.I don`t know which is worse feeling extremely sad or feeling nothing at all.I`m so empty inside. I don`t really talk about this...I mean my family knows I`m ill but I don`t talk about my actual feelings.I`m just not good at that.I smile and I pretend that I`m okay.But I`m not okay.I feel horrible inside.I`m finding it more and more difficult to get through life this way.I just wish it was getting better but it seems to be going in the opposite way.I`m tired.

Lady Mozzer

I`ve been living this way for a long time now.When I say this way I mean being mentally ill.It makes me feel awful to have to say"mentally ill". I don`t think anyone would want to describe themselves that way.But I guess it`s true.When I was a little kid I never imagined myself being this way when I grew up.

The p doc put me on a new med and it`s making me very tired and it makes me just want to lay in bed. I already had that problem but this med is making me feel worse.They gave me a starter pack to start the medication but I`m afraid I won`t be able to take the med anymore because as the pharmacy informed me it`s not covered.

I feel like I`ve been on everything they could throw at me with minimal (if any) relief.My first psychiatrist once recommended ECT to me.That really scared me.But I`ve had times when I`ve seriously thought about it.What if it could offer me some relief.As I sit here and type this I feel so exhausted by all this.I really believe this illness has stolen so much from me.Time I can never get back.I don`t think I`m bitter about it though.I just have sort of accepted it.I don`t know if that`s good or bad.It just feels so lonely.

Lady Mozzer

That`s how I feel inside.There`s just emptiness,nothing inside of me.I`ve been going through this for years.The depression is the worst.When I am going through depression it feels so hopeless like it will never ever get better.I`m finding it more and more difficult to try to hold it inside.I know it`s not good to hold things inside and let them fester but I`m not good at talking to other people.The best I can do is write it down.So here I am.

I used to cut or burn myself in order to feel better.I haven`t done that in quite a while.Though I admit I still hit myself when I get frustrated and angry.It`s funny you know that hurting myself on the outside made me feel better on the inside.I did pay the price for that though.Now I am full of scars that I`m embarrassed and ashamed of.It`s really hot where I live so long sleeves aren`t always possible.I `ve had to explain a few times and I always feel ashamed.No I don`t tell them that I did this to myself.I tell them it was an accident.I don`t know if they buy it or not.I just don`t want to explain to people that I did this to myself.I mean how would I explain it.It sounds crazy and it`s a really sh!tty way to cope with what`s going on inside your head.

Sometimes I don`t think I can stand this one minute longer.But I go on.I don`t think I could hurt my family in that way.I often think I would be less of a burden If I tooK that way out.I still try because of my family.I can though understand those who do.It`s like you can`t take all this stuff one minute more.I don`t think of it as giving up I think of it as trying to end the pain.I don`t think most people who do it want to go.I think they just want to make the sh!t stop.I guess I`m rambling now.I`m sorry.

Lady Mozzer

That`s how I feel a great deal of the time.I am just so depressed right now.I don`t know what else to do to make it go away.My head is filled with darkness.I want to let the light in but I don`t know how.I`ve taken/take the meds and I`ve read tons of books about my disorder but nothing seems to help.I`m always just so tired.In the morning I don`t want to get of bed ,in the evening my anxiety starts up.When I my head down to rest at night all these anxious thoughts fill up my head.I see my pdoc next week and I don`t want to go.I guess it`s just because I have a hard time talking to other people and it makes me feel uncomfortable and I really just don`t like it.I am hopelessly awkward and shy and I hate myself.I guess I`m writing this because I don`t know what else to do.

Lady Mozzer

All Of This

I`m sitting here thinking about how to start this.Since I last wrote my pdoc added an anti depressant to my cocktail of latuda,abilify and alprazolam.I haven`t really noticed any change yet but I`ve heard it can take up tp 4 to 6 weeks.The ad he added was wellbutrin.

I try to keep things locked up inside of me and I do know that it isn`t good to do that.I believe that`s why I used to self harm so much.Lately I`ve been hearing it calling me again.I have to be honest.....sometimes I want to give in to it so badly.The sad fact is that is was a release for me.I guess I didn`t have any other way of releasing those emotions.For me it meant temporary relief.I miss the relief (if only for the moment) it gave me.The bad side of it was that it left me with a not so lovely parting gift.A permanent scar for temporary relief.It was not a fair trade.I now have ugly reminders of what I`ve done to myself.I used to think of them as battle scars.Now I just think they are ugly.That`s why I have been trying to not self harm.I don`t want anymore scars.

The depression is bad.It starts to get worse at night.I don`t know why that is.That`s when I start to feel lonely and oh so empty.Then the irritability gets to me.When I lie down to rest then the thoughts get worse.Yes I also have them during the day but in the daytime it`s easier to get distracted by other things.Regular things like cleaning and laundry and running errands.At night I just feel so alone.I feel so alone in this.I wish I could talk about it.I wish that type of thing came easier for me.I think that maybe that might help.I hope that something can help.

Lady Mozzer

***********************May Be Triggering Self Injury*******************************************************

This depression is really kicking me down right now.I try to hold it together,I keep everything inside but God do I feel like giving up sometimes.My p doc upped my Abilify and I also take latuda and alprazolam for my anxiety.I just feel tired and feel like I need some relief.I don`t know what else I can do to cope.I used to use self injury as a coping mechanism.But I haven`t cut or burned myself in months.I have really tried to stop and not return to that behavior.It sucks to admit this but sometimes I miss SI ing.It was once for me something I could turn to when I couldn`t stand everything else going on inside and outside of me.When I felt numb it made me feel alive.I sadly miss that bandage around my wrist with the wound undernreath that still hurt.It was proof to me of just how much I hurt on the inside.Even though I sometimes do miss it I don`t want to return to it.All it`s left me with it ugly scars.I hate what I`ve done to myself.I hate feeling this way numb and empty and full of dread.

Lady Mozzer

Still Ill

I haven`t been to bed yet and it`s a little after 3:00 in the morning here.Just didn`t feel like going to bed last night.I don`t know if it`s a good or bad thing.I used to be like that all the time.I used to only sleep every other day.I just couldn`t sleep.Yesterday I had a hard time getting out of bed.All this gets to be very exhausting.Lately though my sleeping patterns have been better.I mostly sleep every day now.Which is good and normal.I don`t want to slip back into old sleeping patterns.Tonight was weird though.I stayed up listened to some music watched some of season 1 of The Mindy Project (which is by the way very funny).

I have my ok days where I am able to enjoy some things and I have my bad days where I can`t enjoy anything and everything bugs me and I don`t have any energy.This illness really,really sucks especially on my bad days.I still count my blessings though.I thank God for my family and I know that there are so many people that have it worse in life.I try to be grateful for the things I do have in my life.I still wish for some things I don`t have though. I do wish I wouldn`t feel so sad and lonely.I wish I wouldn`t feel so empty and numb a great deal of the time.I wish I wasn`t ill.

Lady Mozzer

Too Much

Well it`s sunday.I `ve had a pretty nice week.Most of it was nice until I started to feel bad again.I mostly start to feel bad around the evening.I don`t know why.It`s odd to me because I used to be such a night owl.Now on my bad days I just can`t wait to get to bed.I feel so awful that I just want to sleep so I don`t have to feel bad anymore.My head either feels empty or it feels crowded and full of things to worry about.I would like to feel peaceful one day.This feels like too much sometimes.

Lady Mozzer

I saw the p doc today.Which was really hard in the first place because I always get nervous when I have to see him.It`s not because of him or anything (he`s really nice). It`s because of my I really get nervous when I have to talk to other people and leave the house. Well anyway we discussed my not sleeping and anxiety.He tells me he wants me to try lithium. I `m really scared to try it after what I`ve been reading. I was once diagnosed as bipolar now diagnosed as 2.He tells me this might help with with my illnesss.I guess I`m just really frightened right now and just needed to vent here.

Lady Mozzer

Not Feeling Well

I`m tired so tired but I can`t sleep.I`m feeling horribly anxious right now.All I want right now is to go to sleep and make these horrible feelings go away.I have the incredible urge to self harm right now.I`m trying to fight it.It`s the only way to get relief.I can`t though.I can`t hurt myself tonight but I just want these feelings to go away.All I want to do is feel better.Why does this have to happen? I want to cry right now.I`m just so tired of being ill.

Lady Mozzer

Cuts You Up

I don`t know how to start this.

I haven`t been doing so well.I have no energy and no motivation.Simple everyday tasks seem to take enormous effort.I don`t know what to do.I end up hiding away in my bedroom

I had this heavy weight on my chest.It was my anxiety.I needed relief from my anxiety and all of the thoughts running through this messed up head of mine.I ended resorting to what I always do when things beome overwhelming for me.I hurt myself.Yes it felt better to have that release but shortly after that I feel guilty for going to that extreme for just a little relief.But I felt I had to stop those thoughts for just a little while and that`s the only way I know how to stop them.

Lady Mozzer

I feel so tired and drained this morning after not sleeping again.I had a really bad night and ended up si ing.I`ve been really trying not to even though the urges I felt were so strong, I just wanted the thoughts to stop so I could get some rest.I just wanted to feel better.

Lady Mozzer

I suffer from insomnia.I think I`ve said that before.Sometimes though I don`t feel like going to bed.I want to stay up all night.I know I need to sleep but I don`t want to,need to.I suppose that goes hand in hand with this illness.Other times I don`t want to leave my bed.It feels like my best friend.Sleepytime is the only time I don`t have this crap rolling over and over in head.It just won`t let me rest.I`ve been living with this for years.I `ve been on many different meds.Some help for a bit then poop out.Some don`t feel like they help at all.Others turn you into a drooling zombie where you can`t feel a thing.Hey I`m not anti meds not at all.I guess in spite of it all.I still have hope that one day I`ll hit the med lottery.

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Trigger warning si

When this thing makes me feel dead to world I might be on the opposite side.I feel like I want to jump out of skin.Then there are the times when I feel nothing.Nothing makes me happy ,nothing makes me sad.I feel just like this big,blank,empty nothing.Don`t get me wrong their are still things that give me pleasure but when you are in that space(depression or nothingness)nothing can make you happy.I`ve been dealing with mental illness for years now.At first I was only being treated for depression.Only recently have I started to be treated for bipolar I .If you asked me how I felt right now,right at this moment it would feel hard to describe.Like I said before sometimes I feel nothig but sometimes things hurt so much that it feels like that feeling will never go away.I think that`s where my SI comes in.I have to hurt myself to release those feelings that make me hurt.I have to do it to wake myself up out of those nothingness feelings.I know that sounds messed up and maybe it is.It sometimes is a means for survival.I guess that`s it.

Lady Mozzer

I`ve been trying to write this blog but my head felt foggy and cloudy.i couldn`t seem to get the words out.I guess my head is feeling clearer now.

A little while ago I was listening to some music and I just started crying.I feel so lost right now.I don`t know what`s going to become of me.I just feel so sad all the time.I want to be happy I want to be okay.I feel like I`ve spent my whole life staring out of the window watching life pass me by. I`ve been ill for a long time now and my life feels wasted.I feel so lonely and it feels like I`ll always be alone because I`m not worth anyone loving.I never,never,ever feel good enough.I`m not worth it.

Lady Mozzer

Lost And Lonely

I feel this way all the time.I feel like I`ll never find my place in this world.I know I`ve said this before but I feel like I don`t belong....anywhere.I always feel out of place.I don`t even feel comfortable within myself.I sometimes wish I was like those other people I see.The people that have someone.The people that have tons of fun and lots of friends.It feels like I`m always the outsider,a misfit.

These highs and lows and backs and forths have me exhausted.I`m having a hard time getting to sleep and then if I do fall asleep I wake up over and over again.I can`t shut off my brain.The thoughts inside churn and burn and twist and turn inside my head.They won`t allow me to rest and sleep.They just repeat,repeat.

I feel so restless sometimes and sometimes my bed is my best fiend.It offers comfort and solace.I want to stay there all day.Sometimes I can`t get up because I`m too tired.Tired of what?Everything.You don`t have the right to be tired.But I am tired.When I`m restless I want to jump out of my skin.I want to pull my hair out.I need to calm myself ......that`s when I usually hurt myself.It makes things better for a while.It lets me rest and forget....until it doesnt.Then it all comes back again.

Lady Mozzer

The Noise Inside

I`ve been really struggling lately.I have real difficulty getting out of bed.Everyday things take enormous effort.I`ve been so down I really miss my manic energy.I know that seems strange to say but at times I

don`t feel like moving.I just want to cry all the time.My anxiety is also worse.I start to panic when I have to leave the house or just be around a lot of people.I feel like self harming all the time just to make the pain go away.Just for a while,just for a minute to be free from the weight on my chest.I want to be free from the racing thoughts that plague me when I lie down on my bed and try to sleep.I want to be free from the constant pounding,the noise in my head that won`t let be be.I hear it says do it you`ll feel better.I give in and hurt myself.Why do I have to be like this?I feel like I don`t belong or will never fit in anywhere.

Lady Mozzer

Tired Of Fighting

I`m tired of fighting this.It`s been going on for years.I keep fighting and trying.I try my best to keep busy, I take the meds.I am exhausted and so sad.This sadness goes down deep.I feel like I`m sinking further and further.My life is meaningless and I am worthless.Everything hurts so much.I don`t want to be in this body anymore.

Lady Mozzer

I feel so exhausted sometimes physically and mentally.I feel my body,mind and spirit are tired.I get tired of trying.Why do things have to be so difficult?My body and head ache. I wish I could lie down and rest.I wish I could close my eyes and have things be quiet and peaceful.I can`t have that though,my brain wont allow.It won`t let me rest.I feel like I`m being tormented my own head.I only want peace and quiet and rest.I`m getting to tired to try anymore.I can`t stop crying.I can`t hold it in anymore.I don`t want to go back to that ugly,scary place.I don`t like it there.It`s scary and I hate it there

Lady Mozzer

blogentry-6853-0-43328000-1385255062_thu

I haven`t been doing too well.My pdoc switched me from seroquel to abilify.So now I`m on cymbalta,abilify remeron and lorazepam.I`m not liking the abilify so far.My pdoc prescribed 30 mgs at bedtime.It`s hard to stay asleep on it.I keep waking up and can`t get comfortable in my bed.I keep fidgeting and need to keep changing positions.I know it`s still early so hopefully the side effects are a temporary nuisance.

Sometimes I can`t stop these racing thoughts.I can`t sit still and I talk too fast.Other times my brain feels fuzzy.I can`t think and find it difficult to concentrate.I sit and stare into space or I lie in my bed and stare and my bedroom walls because I can`t stand to do anything else.The lights are too bright and the loud noises hurt my head.I feel like I`m sinking deeper into this disease and it really ,really scares me.

I`ve been self harming more frequently.It`s sometimes the only thing that quiets the noises in my head.It numbs my pain.It brings me a bit of peace that I`m sorry to say not many other things do.

Lady Mozzer

Nothingness

Things are okay at the moment I guess.I mostly feel numb and blank.I suppose it`s better than the alternative.The alternative is pain,anxiety and overwhelming sadness.I guess it is okay sometimes.But those feelings always return.Sometimes I just want to scream so loud or punch a wall or something.I just want to let it all out.I want to release the black thing inside of me.The one that tells me to hurt myself.It tells me do it you`ll feel better.The one that makes me doubt myself.The one that tells me that I`m nothing and I`ll never be anything.I hate her,I hate her,I hate her!!!

Lady Mozzer

My Broken Brain

blogentry-6853-0-16511100-1374659690_thuI haven`t written here in a while.I guess things haven`t been going to well for me.I try to just keep going and I say it`s okay but it really isn`t.I guess lots of us to that.People ask "How are you? " The answer is always "I`m okay

I haven`t left the house much lately.I did go see a movie which was homework from my therapist.He was very happy that I did that.That`s one positive note I guess.I really like my therapist.He`s really nice.I just can`t seem to get excited or happy about anything.It makes life seem grey and meaningless.I feel so tired all the time.It`s ironic because I`m having trouble sleeping.I haven`t SH lately but I`ve made a mess of my cuticles.I sometimes do that without noticing that I`m doing it.

At night I can`t turn it off.My thoughts come so fast it`s hard to focus.I wish they could understand.I wish they could understand because they say to try harder.Go out for a walk ect,ect,ect.You`ll feel better.This is consuming me body and soul.I don`t know what else I can do.

Lady Mozzer

Struggling

I have really been struggling lately.I am so,so depressed.I have such low energy that getting out of bed seems like a daunting task..Just doing everyday things fills me with anxiety.I had a panic attack on tuesday and couldn`t complete my errands.I had to go back home and take my meds.I feel this deep,deep depression.I really feel like I am losing hope.It hurts so much to feel this way.It`s hard to feel pleasure in anything anymore.It`s hard to keep going like this.I am so tired.

blogentry-6853-0-99197600-1365752935_thu

Lady Mozzer
blog-0603067001360668349.jpgI`m very ashamed of myself tonight.I gave in to my intense SI urges.It`s been coming on for a while now.Things were tolerable.I wasn`t a great,big ball of sunshine or anything but it was better than before.My therapist was talking to me about going back to school.I wanted to get on with my life and move on.The illness won`t let me.It started coming back again around December.I find things overwhelming again and I feel like I`m coming apart at the seams.It feels like too much.I just can`t stand it anymore.I needed a bit of relief and I know it`s wrong but I gave in.I`m supposed to be starting a new med regimen.I haven`t started it yet due to my erratic schedule.I guess I`m wondering will I ever feel some sense of stability.
Lady Mozzer

If You Only Knew...

I haven`t written here in a while.The truth is I guess I just haven`t had the strength to do it.I just need to get some things off my chest I guess.

My sister was here the other day and she said a few things that made me kind of angry.It was about my dealing with my mental illness.One of the things she said to me was that she did not think that I was trying hard enough.I told her that she didn`t understand what goes through my head day after day.The thing is I have been trying.I really have been trying.I try hard to keep myself busy and try to stay positive.It`s really difficult when all you`d like to do is just sleep because that`s the only time you have peace.It`s difficult because everything you do requires enormous effort.I know everyone and pressures and worries.I guess what I`m trying to say is that this is an illness.Just like any other physical illness.Just because you can`t see it doesn`t mean it isn`t there.I`d like to tell her try walking in my shoes.

I also get constantly told if I was more religious I would be okay.I`m not the most religious person on earth I admit but I do believe in God.They make me feel like this is my fault like I chose to be this way.Who would actually choose to be this way?All this makes me very sad because I thought they understood but really they don`t.

I am feeling very empty and numb right now.I guess I`d just rather feel nothing at all right now.Everything else hurts too much right now.

Lady Mozzer

Despair

I `ve just been feeling so lost and blue these days.I feel like I`m sinking deeper and deeper.Everything is cloaked in darkness and I can`t see clearly anymore.I`m just so lost and alone.I try to keep it all inside because it`s really difficult for me to talk about it.It`s much easier for me to write these things down.Things really hurt so bad right now.I want to feel happy and I really,really try.I keep myself busy but at the end of the day and I`m by myself there it is again.Like an ever present black cloud hanging over me.Sometimes it`s not darkness but nothingness.I don`t know which is worse,.to feel overwhelming sadness or nothing at at all.I just want all of it to stop

I can`t sleep and that it is what I crave the most.Sleep is really one of the only time I feel peace.I`m not thinking about what a pathetic,loser I am.I`m not pointing out my every flaw.This is when I get urges to hurt myself.I can`t let it out any other way.I know that`s not a healthy way to deal with things but it works for me if only for a little while.

Will this go on forever?Will it ever end?

Sorry for moaning and complaining.