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    • Lindsay

      A Reminder that we are a PG13 Site   12/09/2016

      Please keep in mind that NO content can be posted that is not PG13!  No sexual content and definitely not images which is not permitted in a post! We will delete it.  Not even memes or humorous images should be posted, if you want these forums to continue. NO IMAGES! If you want to post an image, post the URL pointing it to your gallery.  Again, is PG13!! Thank you~ ~Forum Admin  


Featured Entries

  • GSpolar

    Does it matter?

    By GSpolar

    What we do matters.   They are real souls, the 10 people who are watching DF, who are so scared of the stigma, imprisoned at 'home' to such a degree, or hurting so deeply.....10 are watching at any given moment for every 1 who dared to even sign up anonymously. If you read this, you probably have encouraged at least one person anonymously, with nothing to gain, just out of love.   And for every 1, there were really 10, check out 'Activity/All Users' to see for yourself.   How terrible is a disease that 10 are afraid to admit it for every 1 who does.....How valuable is even one note of encouragement, 1 genuine hug.  Multiply your hugs by 10........You're changing outcomes of life, you really are

Our community blogs

  1. When I was released from the hospital after my first overdose.. (which was a serious attempt in taking my life). I had the bulls*** idea that I would return to my life as normal, and go right back to the grind. Less than 24 hours after refusing crisis stabilization units I was back in school for an 8 week marathon course usually taught over 8 months. I remember sitting there a few days in crying softly and thinking "What the **** am I doing here?". After about a week of sticking it out I fell apart again and missed so much class I wasn't able to finish anyway.
    Over the weekend I began reading a Bipolar for Dummies book I wish I had back then. Would I have listened? probably not. My therapist and family encouraged me to lighten my course load, but being the idiotic, stubborn person I am I took offense to that. I didn't want to admit that I was still in 'that place', or let it continue to ruin and dictate my life.  So I kept attempting to live as if it didn't happen while everyone else was harassing me and thinking every missed phone call, or unanswered email meant another attempt. Which just proves even more that I never should have been discharged in the first place.
    Reclaiming Your Life When
    the Time Is Right
    Knowing when you’re ready
    (the preflight checklist)
    When you dislocate your kneecap, your doctor doesn’t pop it back in place
    and send you on your way. He probably recommends a couple weeks of anti-
    inflammatory medication, coupled with keeping your knee elevated, followed
    by several weeks of physical therapy. Only then can you make a slow transi-
    tion back to your normal activities.
    Part IV: Helping Yourself
    Recovering from a major mood episode requires a similar approach, in which
    you first stabilize your medications and moods and then slowly transition
    back to your normal activities. To prevent relapse and ensure a smooth tran-
    sition, make sure you meet or exceed all criteria in the following checklist:
    • Your medications are stable.
    • Your moods are stable. (You may not be the best judge of your mood
    • stability. Rely on your support group, doctor, and therapist for more
    • objective feedback.)
    • You’re getting sufficient sleep.
    • You’re thinking clearly.
    • Your support group is in place.
    • Your doctor/therapist believes you’re ready



    I wonder what the reaction would be if I would just show up at group on Thursday.

    I mean, yeah I know I completed it and received a certificate (which they laminated only to realize they hadn't signed any of them), but I am not ready for it to be over.

    Not Yet.

    I feel as if I started the group in a panic, experienced life as a bad dream for a while due to them pointing so much stuff out, slowly found my feet then *BOOM!* 12 months over.

    How the **** did it go so fast?

    What am I supposed to do now?

    I just started to cut out all those toxic people from my life which the teachers / skills advised to do, to get better.

    So now what?

    I need more time, I really think I do!



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    Recent Entries

    Latest Entry

    That's my plan for the year. I can't eliminate all of my fears. I can't even tame them all. 

    But I can limit them.

    I will try to be less afraid of: my thoughts, the past, my failures, my illness. 

    If I'm less afraid, Depression will have less to taunt me with.

    That makes it worth a try.

  3. Jalen
    Latest Entry

    Trigger Warning: Suicide









    I just got the closest I've ever been to ending it...but I didn't have the guts. I wanted to so badly. I guess I'm here another day.

    I hate this.

    I'm sorry.


    That was my lowest point ever.

  4. So the apartment complex I am living in had implemented assigned parking, giving one parking space for each apartment in the complex. This place was built in the 50's where there were not many cars on the road, so the parking is at best tight to say the least. In the addendum it read each apartment got one assigned spot and the un-numbered spaces were first come first serve. Well parking has been a nightmare since this was implemented. It seems people were storing cars in other places (we were only allowed one car per person on the lease). Because the office manager has found 35 unregistered (not registered to any apartment) which has taken up all the loose spots in the complex. So now thanks to the selfishness of people the few of us that are respectful to our neighbors, are suffering. So the new thing is the complex will most likely take the assigned parking away and get it back to what it was, where all spaces were first come first serve and car limits implemented. This will suck and be good at the same time as I sometimes need to park a building a way when I work closing shifts. But it also means getting rid of about 40 cars in total from our lot.

    Another fun thing has been not being able to eat much any more. The few tooth pieces I still have in my mouth are not capable of doing any kind of chewing any more and hurt when I try to chew anything, even soft foods. If you are a person who likes to look on the bright side of things, I will probably loose some weight. I know what you all will say about eating softer foods or go on a liquid diet. That will not work for me because there is not much in the way of soft foods that I eat, I love cakes and all but I am not only a sweets addict, I love salty foods as well. Liquid diets will not work cause I gag on thick, viscousy liquids. I also can't afford anything more than the occasional snack food of some kind anyway. What I wouldn't give to get teeth that I can eat pretty much anything with.

  5. samadhiSheol
    Latest Entry

    I can't wash this blood off my hands
    I can't get the scum outta my soul
    I can't scrape this stain off my brain
    And I can't get this box off my head





    I can't get this box off my head. I.don't know.what to do anymore.

  6. Last night, I got a very good line of sight on what it would be like to banish my terrible husband, raise our children by myself and be happy ever after. Or not really. Or whatever. Without him. 

    He played dirty so will have to be punished. It's that simple. I don't mean punished in a nasty or spiteful or hurtful way, much less cause any distress to people here sensitive to real and proper agony. Well, maybe a little tiny bit of spite would help balance things up. And a tear or two. And some pleas for mercy might be for the greater good should I be able to draw metaphorical blood from such a cold and heartless stone. I should amend that; he did not just play dirty, he broke a sacred vow. An unwritten one maybe but a vow nonetheless. Him and I had an agreement (well, I agreed to it and that is the same thing): I go tooooo far and he fixes it. And, for anyone acquainted with my now defunct older blog, breaking that trust is an unpardonable sin in the eyes of Venus, goddess of all things worth liking.

    This all happened during a game of Tell Me Something I Don't Know, which was not a game before we made it up sometime around midnight. When I say we, I mean me, he, his sister, my best friend and another friend. No-one will believe this but, of these 5 people, I alone am innocent of any wrongdoing. 

    Tell Me Something I Don't Know is easy. You .....umm, tell us all something we ... ummm, didn't know! The only requirement is that it MUST be true. Presto. If it is boring or rubbish or already known, you are told so and risk being sent home in a taxi. If it is exciting or eye-poppingly scandalous, this is rewarded handsomely with a fine score. Like all good games you never heard of before you found yourself drinking more than you planned and suddenly playing, the rules change. So, for extra, extra points, you can instead Tell Me Something I Do Know in a Way I Have Never Heard. My friend was way too good at this for my liking. 

    Anyway, this went on for a while until the other three turncoats decided Alex and I were tied for the lead, a situation that could only be resolved with a game of Answer That. Quite simply, one asks the other a question. If they cannot answer, you win. Facts and figures are banned. The question must be personal. I went first and, being an angel, asked an almost leading question to remind him without saying so to eventually let me win because I never win anything. He went straight for the jugular. 

    I verified his exact words with his not-nearly-appalled-enough sister and he asked this, exactly,

    "Honey, we have two gorgeous children that are your whole world. I'd like to know ..... which one is your favourite?" 

    I nearly fainted. Maybe I did even. I at least tip-toed then stomped my way through every emotion there is. I tried to laugh, if you can believe that, because everyone else thought it was the funniest thing they ever heard. All I could ....well, whimper, was "How can you ask that?", all teary and betrayed. I think I almost went into the foetal position before whimpering it again. I mean, howwwwwww? Then I might have called him a few names, the detail of which might be best left alone. 

    My so-called best friend (who will be forgiven) didn't help. She said the all of the right words but they kinda lost their worth because she couldn't stop laughing either. 


    If I had to choose, I'd rather be dead. That's all I can think about. 

    How, in the exact same moment, can that be enough to break me in half and also be more liberating than anyone could possibly know.

    That's not possible, right? It can't be.

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    Recent Entries

    Just wanna write my thoughts down. Yesterday was a mess. Woke up wondering what's the point of life again. Trying so hard to put everything right but nothing goes my way. Trying so hard to love myself and tell myself I'm doing the best I can with what knowledge and time I have. That everything will be okay. But that someone always have to make things go wrong and make me feel bad that I'm a lousy person who does nothing right :(

    Another tip I got is to always end a blog entry with writing the best part of the day. Funny how the best part always have something bad relating to it. Like my 2 colleagues who brought nice desserts for us. And having the few supportive colleagues to whine about work together. And making a cold call yesterday which turned out to be not so bad. And maybe just maybe the fact that mil went to a few of my family's places to personally give the wedding invitation card to them. I also tried to work on my spirituality too. So I'm good. I have to be good. 

    And like the song I keep listening to:


    I'm not giving up today

    Theres nothing getting in my way

    And if you knock knock me over I will get back up again


    If something goes a little wrong

    Well you can go ahead and bring it on

    Cause if you knock knock me over, i will get back up again!

  7. I was in high school, trying to convince my parents to let me stay home because I wasn't prepared for my classes....and then I was woken up by my husband for the second time to get ready for my psychiatrist appointment. Admittedly, I was more than a little peeved about having to go to the appointment. It's about that time when I start feeling like no medication will work, and I'm just wasting time and money. Also--I don't know why--but I feel a little embarrassed and uncomfortable when I have to tell the doctor that I don't feel any difference. I wonder if maybe I'm just not noticing the change, or if I'm doing something wrong. So when she explained that I was still on a low dose and that we could increase it, I was a little more hopeful. Since I have a lot of anxiety, it stands to reason I would require a high dosage of whatever I'm on to combat it.

    I'm glad too that my psychiatrist is so easy to talk to. She has a really friendly and sincere demeanor, so I can ask her questions that I couldn't ask most of my past doctors. For one, I told her about  my out of control eating and anxiety regarding food, and she suggested a medication that could help with my cravings. She had a prescription card to give me, so the first month will be free and the second only $15. Secondly, I brought up the baby question. I was really nervous to ask her if I should even try to get pregnant while on antidepressants. She explained that certain medications and doses are OK after the first trimester, and that it's something that we can work around when the time comes. More importantly, I expressed how scared I am that I won't be able to handle motherhood. She assured me that she thinks I'd be a good mother, and that my OCD is the likely culprit scaring me from trying. I really needed to hear that.

    All in all it was a pretty good day. My parents came by so my dad could lay down some boards in the attic, I got a nap in, and we went grocery shopping at Target. I got yummy olive hummus which I just indulged in, and now I'm hoping to resist eating any bingeing before I go to sleep. I will definitely be picking up that new med tomorrow to see if it helps with that. 

  8. at what point to give up on hope?

    when I was younger and struggling....i got myself thru by telling myself that it will all pass, that by the time im 30 i'll be married with kids and depression and loneliness would just be a memory.

    30 came and went, friends came and went, dating never amounted to anything...

    here I am almost 37 and afraid of my future. 

    All i wanted in life was to be a mom. ive watched my bosses kids grow up from birth, my coworkers kids, my friends kids....and all i wish for are my own kids.

    id hold on to hope and tell myself not to give up, but i think im being foolish.

    I try so hard on dating sites and struggle to go to social gatherings alone.

    im so scared to grow old alone. ive been living life alone for a few years (aside from my parents). they wont live forever, and at some point, i will in fact not have a sole in my life. my heart cant take much more of this.

    i really thought life would come together by now, and when i would get discouraged id tell myself "it will happen when it happens" or "its just not your time yet" and maybe its wrong of me to be so impatient and selfish to want to it come sooner, but part of me kinda knows its just not going to happen at all.

    not everyone deserves to find a soulmate and have a family. maybe thats not gods plan for me. maybe i missed signs along the way and missed my chance. i dont know.

    but soon i wont be able to have kids, and i feel my time is dwindling down. it hurts to think about, it hurts to hope.

  9. Hertz
    Latest Entry

    Lately I've been feeling very unsatisfied everyday. It's like there was an abscess in my mind that must burst. I feel like something must change but not sure what, like I'm starting a new stage of my life that is not yet well defined.
    I feel like nothing is new, nothing excites me, going through the motion.
    I'm disappointed with love, professional life. I've considered doing volunteer work to get out of myself. My past volunteer experiences haven't been very satisfying, I don't have very fond memories of them.
    I'm having dreams of my father lately. Where I live with him even though I now live away with roommates. It might mean that I'm reproducing a pattern created by his influence, defence mechanisms.
    Since he moved away when I was 7, I might have developed a coping mechanism to adapt to this event.

  10. buttermybiscuit
    Latest Entry

    Ugh, celebrity obsessions are the worst. Mine is connected to my disorder. Become obsessed with someone, find something that sets off my morality alarm, obsess over it, repeat the process. And my new obsession is not just any celebrity, but a politician, which is just great. /sarcasm

    So I came across something I didn't like today. I don't know what would make me stop obsessing besides just getting bored of all the ridiculousness that goes along with this. Wasn't as peeved as I thought I would be. But I felt like posting about it. So I'm not really helping the situation by not going about and just living and letting this go

    Moral compass... I analayze the pros and cons constantly. I analyze my analyzation skills, lol. How can I REALLY have a clear opinion on something if I'm obsessing to the point of insanity over it? I'm trying to find a solution, but keeping an open mind should be the goal here. Who am I, really? Am I this or that?

    Today I wasn't relaxed, obviously. Kept thinking things and assuming things. some intrusive thoughts. And I just keep feeding the anxiety.


  11. Why cannot memories die?  Like a scratched record infinitely repeating, happy moments serve to sharpen the edges of anguish.
    A glimpse of a smile worn ages ago echoes hollowly in me now.
    Her loving words clash with her parting.  None to blame but myself yet im too stupid to understand my crimes.  The word "why" shrieks in my head.

    Why did you go?  What did i do wrong?
    Anger ignites but its only target is myself.  Anger at being what i  am, who i am.  Never one who is worthy.  Rage burns...hatred for self.  Foolish one who is unworthy of those dreams.

  12. gs22
    Latest Entry

    I am burned out.  It's due to cumulative stresses from different jobs I've held, programs I've studied, coaching I've done, and last but not least, my family.  My life hasn't been made easier by the fact that I feel deep empathy for others and soak up their pain as though it were my own.  It's as though I'm a battery that can no longer recharge properly, and it's gotten to the point where I can barely read on here.  It has nothing to do with the regular posters; you guys have been wonderful to me.  I'm just trying to explain my absence.

    I do pick and choose what to read, not wishing to lose touch with the people I've become attached to.  It reminds me of the time before I joined up and would read here but had no energy to participate.  I was looking for articles on anxiety at the time but found an interesting story on a tennis player who had suffered from depression; it came as a surprise to me, never would have guessed.  I would reread this story countless times.  Then like now, I could barely breathe.  Just as I was recovering from that chronic anxious period, my mother got sick.   

    I feel at a loss.  I'm often teary-eyed, fed up with unfair demands made on me (by family), and cannot push myself much more physically or emotionally.  I'm easily wiped out and have a hard time recovering. 

    If I had the adventurous energy for it, I'd take a page out of Emily Barr's novel, Backpack, and take off on an Air Canada flight.  Her characters return home, however far they've travelled.  I'd be thrilled just to be able to leave.

  13. DeeBear
    Latest Entry

    So I got up sick gain on Friday morning.  And of course, there was snow on the ground so everything here was closed, including my doctor's office.  Toughed it out Friday and then went to a local walk in clinic yesterday.  They confirmed what I already suspected.  Flu.  The fibro makes it hard to tell when I'm sick, because I feel a sick all the time, and all it takes is eating something containing MSG (Monosodium Glutamate) or Aspartame (Nutrasweet) to send me into a painful tail spin. 

    I am so sick and tired of being sick and tired.  And I'm sick and tired of saying I'm sick and tired.

    I'm also in a quandary as to whether I should start counseling again.  I've never felt like it did me much good, and let's face it, I've been doing it for years.  Even the counselor I like and had the best connection with really didn't seem to help me much.  Most of the time counselors seem to be trying to divert me from what I'm talking about.  I know that that is a good thing, it gets my mind off of what is troubling me, but you know, I've always been able to distract myself without having to pay for it.  I haven't learned anything new in years, though I still have unresolved issues.  What's the point in paying someone to be locked in a room with them for an hour when I can stay home and find something to do for free.  It's not so much about the money, it's more about quality of life.  I hate going to counseling, and I fully expect that if I continue it will be more of the same.  Then again, it does give me an outlet when I'm isolating.  But I've had bad experiences with that place and I really don't want to go back.  The doctor at that facility has messed up my prescriptions twice - in four visits.  When you add in the fact that I have to sit in a waiting room full of furious people whose appointments were three hours ago, while he's in someone else's office, in earshot, talking politics instead of doing his job.  Even worse, when you finally get called into his office he wants to talk about crap that's got nothing to do with what we're there for.  It's soured me on the place.  I've had problems before with that place, including Klonopin withdrawal because of a sorry nurse who wouldn't let me talk to the NP they had at the time.  It was my fault, she said, because I'd forgotten my appointment and had to make an appointment for a week after I was going to run out of pills.  It was definitely not good.  That nurse, and that NP are no longer there, which is another thing I hate about the place - constant turnover.  I'm tired of having to explain my crap over and over again to the new person.

    I guess I should try to think about the positives...  Well, it's cheap...but I get what I pay for.  Okay, I tried to be positive.  Didn't work.  Okay, try again...Well, it's nearby.

    I just don't see the point of going back.  I already have learned many tools to help myself, and going back just makes me feel like I'm stuck at the kiddy table of life, hearing and saying the same things over and over, and hearing the same responses over and over. 

    Okay, this flu is kicking my a** right now.  Gotta go pass out before I fall out of this chair.

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    Last week I was in my friend's car with some other people and he was bringing us back home after a really nice night.

    Some friends just slipped away from my life when I isolated myself and I couldn't blame them, but two in this car are truly amazing people and I always feel good with them even when anxious. Led Zeppelin were being played, bringing back some nice memories of when we used to play together.

    I was peaceful and happy in that car, my coat and the slight contact of the girl next to me provided a delightful warmth. Then I looked outside in the dark, and we passed a group of cars where the moisty air had frozen upon the glass and made it white.

    It was at that point that this strange emotion pervaded me: I had suddenly become disturbed by the warmth of the people and I wanted to escape outside in the freezing cold. It was like my soul was ice and I feared it would melt and disappear.

    I have forced myself in the past years to severe my bonds with people because I was ill and felt miserable. I hated the worried look of the few that knew and eventually felt ashamed of what the ones who didn't know could think of me. I thought that the solution was to hide, because I couldn't bring them anything good.

    Today I know that this was an error and a nonsensical thought, but even so the very feeling of being alone among the others has stuck with me.

    I guess that the hard part is to rewire our brain again, and I know this will take a long time and it will never be like it was before. At least I now try to look forward instead of indulging on the past like I did.

  14. I woke up today feeling two different ways at once, which sometimes happens for me. The overwhelming feeling is gratitude...but there's also a sense of discontent. I thought about it and discovered that the discontentment I'm feeling relates to how I'm feeling about myself. I decided to make a list of things that I'm not loving about myself, and what I'm doing to work on them. This is basically a pure journal entry written for myself and my own self-improvement, so feel free to skip on by this, lol. If you do choose to read, I hope you get something out of it!

    I am discontent with myself right now because:

    1. I have a feeling that I'm not doing absolutely everything I can to be successful in life and get to where I want to be.
    2. I feel that I haven't made enough spiritual progress; I'm not as good of a person as I'd like to be.
    3. I feel that I've overextended myself; I've made connections with a lot of people and offered them my help, and I feel like I'm not available to them as I should be.

    But in the interest of being fair to myself, here's what I am doing about these discontentments:

    1. I am actively putting a lot of work into my job search. I am scouring job boards, putting in a lot of applications, sending a lot of resumes, and I'm also reaching out to my girlfriend for help. She knows what she's doing a lot better than I do, and I'm using her knowledge and experience and applying it to my own job search.
    2. I am trying to be very cognizant about where I am spiritually and to give myself the credit I deserve. I have come a lot farther down the path of spirituality and being a good person in the past year than I had come previously in my entire life. I am not perfect, but no one is. I realize that spiritual progress should always be my goal, as spiritual perfection will always be out of my reach.
    3. All I can do is to try my hardest to fulfill promises and obligations I've made and agreed to. Also, it's important that I realize that I am overextended, and to not take on any more while my plate is already full.

    So now I feel a little better. I have recognized all the things about myself that are bothering me, and I've also given myself due credit for actively working on improving them. Cool :smilingteeth:

    Overall though, I'm grateful. I'm grateful to have a family who supports me, a roof over my head, food to eat. I'm grateful that I have a mental health team committed to helping me to stay emotionally well. And I'm overwhelmingly grateful to have a wonderful, amazing woman in my life who supports me, listens to me, accepts me for who I am. She is emotionally healthy and available, and she knows how much I love her and she is fully capable of receiving and appreciating that love. I am truly lucky to have her!!

  15. RiverLight
    Latest Entry

    I said I was leaving DF -- I have and am. However, I need to get this off my chest. Some people are just plain TOXIC. They cannot help but meddle in others' lives, lie outright and manipulate people. I am done with these types of people. I don't deserve any crap from anyone. I do not lie, nor do I try to manipulate people or mess with people's lives. I say it like it is to people, and whether they like it or not, it's the plain truth. I am honest, loyal and I am a good friend. Thank God I have close friends and a boyfriend who love me, cherish me and who believe in me, as well as my own family. They all make up for these most toxic people who are a disaster and try to create disasters for no good reason. They are drama-filled people. I choose happiness, and I choose to walk away from such types of people.

    I now have over 1800 followers on my Facebook page, and my new website has been shared nearly 250 times. I am enjoying writing and am having a blast with my new hobby -- I  am thriving and feel really good. My sweet, loving boyfriend is absolutely amazing, I love him dearly, and I am so grateful for him. All is good.

  16. "Clarity." I wish for clarity: to see things as they really are. But strangely enough I see that to have clarity, real clarity, is to bring on anxiety. After all, I am the descendent of a long line of worriers because the caveman that did not worry didn't live long enough to have many offspring.

    So what I should really wish for is "acceptance." Or, more accurately, "balance." Clarity, acceptance, balance. All of these things.

  17. So I've been having some terrible weeks lately but at the same time I have discovered some interesting things about myself and somethings I've been ignoring. See I just finished college, passed on the test to get my masters degree, which is already a pretty nice life changing event to kick up my depression into messing with me... But it's the end of the year and I just hate it, just plain hate it, for 3 simple reasons:

    First -  Two years ago one of my grandmas died two weeks before Christmas, basically in my arms, so now every year I can only fixate on how she love the festivities and that she's not around anymore.

    Second - The holiday spirit, everybody is happy and excited, everybody is talking to each other and having a good time... Which is the exact opposite of my personality and that only makes me feel like I don't belong anywhere, kinda of the same reason that I don't go to parties or anything similar, but all that happiness is happening on my living room, right outside my bedroom's door, so there is nowhere to run.

    Third - January 4th, the day that my family moved to a new city and that's the first step to triggering, seventeen years ago... Don't get me wrong now I'm really glad we moved, but my subconsciousness don't wanna forget how I felt all those years ago.

    Besides all that a few weeks ago I finally realized something, a simple thing that was bothering me for a long time and I could not pinpoint exactly what it was, I don't truly have any friends.

    If you get a simple definition of, let's say Google's:


    a person whom one knows and with whom one has a bond of mutual affection, typically exclusive of sexual or family relations.

    Considering that I could say that I have a bunch of friends, so yey? But isn't that really shallow?

    What I notice about all my friends is that our relationship is shallow and empty. I though about all the times my friends came to talk to me and every single one was because they needed something and usually something that probably I was the only one who could solve the problem or I wasn't the first choice. And even that type of situation rarely happens, I think that 99,5% of my text messages go for my girlfriend (who talks to me every day less, which is starting to freak me out, but that's another story), the remaining 0,5% goes to family and friends. 

    Every time I try to have a conversation with anyone they always respond only the the minimal necessary, nobody never tries to keep the conversation going to the point that I just looks like a annoying person trying to get attention. Nobody ever think of me to do something fun, of course I don't have the ability  to dance so that's out of question, but besides that I could do anything really...

    Look, I'm not gonna put all the blame into the rest of the world. I'm the shy, weird, depressive guy, I don't have much to talk about, I'm not really fun or anything, but I try. Socializing is a skill and you can only get better if you practice, but how can I practice if nobody is willing to talk to me? How can I know what is a interesting topic to talk about if nobody shows me?

    I'm way more social than I was seven years ago, I tried really hard to get where I'm, got a girlfriend on the process which is nice, I've put myself out there, did everything I could some outside my limitations and in the end everybody still treats me the same way... So I really don't know if I'm still doing something extremely wrong or if is just my fate to be this way. I really tried to stop being this nice, always thinking about everybody, always trying to help, tried to stop caring about everyone but I couldn't.

    So I'm on a depressive episode for a full month I think, which is rare since I bipolar (but don't have mania episodes, fun right?), my doctor changed my medication and I'm gonna increase the dosage in 5 days, so looking towards that, but besides that I already lost hope. I don't wanna care about all this that is happening now but my brain just don't obey me.

    Thanks for anyone that read all this.

  18. So far, things have been pretty good for me.  I still work at the same place, but in a different department now.  It makes more money.  The only bad thing is that I got to work an overnight shift for about a month..maybe 2.    It's tough, but manageable.

    While training on the new job, I've been doing a lot better with training my body.  I have since lost 40, almost 45 pounds since going back to the gym and reworking my ENTIRE diet.  The holidays weren't even an issue anymore, and I think I've finally beaten emotional eating.  I don't eat just arbitrarily anymore and it's just a great feeling.  I think the only "difficult" thing is planning out meals.  If I don't plan property, then I will be hungry and end up eating junk food.  All in all, I'm really happy about my weight loss so far.

    Things are about the same between husband and myself.  I'm pretty sure at this time though, he has taken a break from job hunting.  He's still at the same job he's hated and I've been doing my best to be supportive.  He was complaining about being depressed as well, so I've tried to cook more for him to be healthy.  I mean.. it's worked for me.  He's still picky as about food, so most often, I will cook and he'll still opt to eat a TV Dinner instead ¬_¬  Still trying to figure out how to tackle that one..

    I don;'t know..  I'm still a little depressed over the relationship.  Husband HAS been trying much better to be part of daily chores.  He still can't cook for himself though, and he still wastes free time with video games.  

    When the weather gets better, I will be out of the house more, and I hope to take him with me.

  19. samadhiSheol
    Latest Entry

     I'm getting more disheartened as the days fly by with all the inconclusiveness and disparateness that is my life. The fundamental dispersion of coherence of mind. I don't know who I am. I don't know where I'm heading or where I'd like to go. I don't know why my violent moodswings occur. Why I am so manic in my self-destructive thoughts and sprees of bruised knuckles and forehead.

    The thoughts ir/rational,

    coming and going,

    in and out,

    always something to think about,

    something to fear,

    be angry about

    Reasons to hate myself

    Reason to despair

    As I have no place

    Here, there, anywhere.

    I don't know. Neither do the psychiatrists with their trial and error tatctics according to the sanctfied and all knowing DMS V.

    I have no dreams or passion. I don't think I've ever had either. I drift through life like derelect ghost with no home.

    I do things. I'm fully functional(when I don't do what I do best, which is procrastinate and not do enough, so it's all my fault and the selfhate is justified, even though I.m.doing the best i can, but I can/should do more shouldn't I?). Job, wife bla, bla. This life isn't mine though. Amnesia but backwards.

    I recognize my life




    Tears and fears

    But not the person in remembrance. The "me".

    The pain is all mine though. So is the rage, anger and feeling of helplessness. I obviously have mental health issues. But no one knows what they are.

    Who am I? Where am I going? What do I want? Why does my mind race? Why have I never slept properly without medication? What is the point as

    It burns to the quick

    Nihilsim, pessimism

    Fear, anger dispair

    It sears me from within

    The anger, hatred

    I harbour

    The vehemence

    I feel towards myself

    What I need

    What I wish

    The gift of Oblivion.

    I want it now.

    I want.




  20. I sometimes wonder why I still come here. I started using the blogs as a means to track my progress. From May of last year to now, I see I haven't changed much. I stopped picking furiously at my skin. I started to rely on my friends for emotional support. In a selfish way, I am content that they are my audience and mine alone. 

    I'm still depressed. I'm still afraid. I'm still numb.

    There is not much else to record here now that I have a new group to fall back on. Now that I have hem I don't feel as alone as before. Somehow the intrusive memories have slowed down in terms of recurrence. Instead of coming to my dreams they come when I think of them. Now that I'm going to college my family holds me a little higher. Except for my mother, but that will never change. I had enough hardships last year. This year will be like breeze on steel. I have been hardened by the traumas of the past and I will continue to march.

    Maybe this will be my last entry. Maybe this will be the last I come here. Maybe I'll come back here in a month and then disappear again. I can't tell the future.

    To whomever I have hurt with my callousness: I cannot change your opinions on what I have done to you. You came to me with peace and I rejected it. In my childishness I became blinded and bit the hand that offered help. I deeply regret every last bit of it. My cynical mind wounded your gentle heart. I am sorry. I do not know if you will ever read this. I do not know if it will give you closure. I only hope you have peace at mind, whether you find this entry or forget me entirely. May you find peace and happiness wherever you are.



    Per aspera ad astra.

  21. posie_riot
    Latest Entry

    Be kind to yourself :hearthrob: