Booooredom Is Dangerous
Posted by Stainboy, Feb 13 2009, 03:48 PM
I'm overdoing my self-medication with codeine. I'd got into the routine of looking forward to a dose at night but I really don't need it, I like night times and fall asleep fine so I decided to stick to mornings as that's what was working before. So I had some this morning, all fine and good. But then I talked to my girlfriend* on MSN and speaking to her makes me so nervous now that I had some more. It's frustrating.
The boredom doesn't help either, I don't know what to do with myself at the moment :(
Need Some Labels To Peel Off Bottles
Posted by Stainboy, Feb 11 2009, 12:30 PM
I must be bipolar, all the evidence is there, it has to be it and it was ****** triggered by these pills and still hasn't completely died down.
For some reason my sex drive has ramped up again over the last day or so and right now I'm climbing the walls about it. Unfortunately I'm not into one night stands or would ever entertain the idea of a stranger, it wouldn't even turn me on. I suppose even if my relationship hadn't broken down then there'd be no guarentee she'd be in the mood at the moment anyway but it's still frustrating. All those nights we were together and I had no sex drive at all, all that time wasted.
Full Circle
Posted by Stainboy, Feb 6 2009, 08:14 AM
I've gone from hating being on my own and talking to anyone who would listen to just wanting to be left alone. I think I'd be happy to talk to someone sat in front of me but I'm not doing so well with online, and the browser games I started playing to occupy myself I just can't be bothered with today.
My anxiety has flared up over the last few days, I don't know whether it's because I'm getting fed up of sitting around here waiting or what but I'm climbing the walls. I've started to rely on painkillers too much again and when they wear off I feel worse. If I want that flat I found I have to go back to Sheffield again to view it and I'm so sick of travelling to and from there. It all seems like a scary commitment as well, moving again and living on my own but I still think I'd be better off. The unknown road is preferable to the familiar one you're sick of.
Can we not just have me put down like a lame horse? Then it'd all be over. The thought that the afterlife could be an eternity of anxiety is enough to stop me with that.
Worried Mums
Posted by Stainboy, Feb 5 2009, 11:04 AM
Mum was worried I might have ordered more gbl, I've been bringing in the post in the mornings so she thought I was trying to get to the postman before her. It's an odd sign to pick up on, I'd never have thought about it like that. I should remind her of more obvious signs to look out for:
* sore/dry eyes
* sleeping in the day or early evening (I'm a complete night owl, it's rare for me to sleep early unless I've really, really been busy)
* disappearing into my bedroom with a drink
It possibly makes me act a bit more energetic or like I'm drunk as well but that's a difficult one since I'll also act that way if feeling a bit hyper.
I don't mind at all that she was worried about it, some people get offended and feel accused but I'd be worried myself and there's nothing wrong with asking. I wouldn't like it if someone told me they knew I'd had some and didn't believe me when I corrected them as everyone has a right to be believed I think and I don't have a habit of lying. I didn't mind once when the police thought I had been drinking when really I was just way too tired to be driving, of course that's what they're gonna think and after the breathalyser showed zero they were a lot nicer to me.
I did dream about the stuff last night, I was pouring it into a few different bottles in order to take out somewhere. I wasn't measuring it properly so was realising I could have taken way too much. Mum was there in the dream and knew I was taking it.
I also dreamt that Jenny said she didn't want to talk to me anymore, that talking to me every day was way too much and she wanted to put a stop to it. I was glad to wake up out of that one.
I saw a nice flat today online, it's one bedroom instead of a studio and in a convenient area. It's in the attic of a house and looks really nice and cosy, the 2 lower floors are also available and bigger but don't actually look as nice. I made the mistake last time of a big flat with high ceilings and it made it cold and not that homely. Places really can be too big and spacious sometimes I think. I'd be at home somewhere quite small, and the furnishings look nice and comfy, comfier than some of the stuff that's in these new developments in the centre of town. They make those places look like offices.
As for my moods at the moment, well yesterday I felt antsy and irritable, I decided to take my citalopram at night and see what difference it made. I think maybe not having it all day made me feel that way, and then after I took it I was way too away to sleep. So I don't think I'll do that now, I've taken it this morning again today. It's always worth experimenting though, when I started on efexor one time I switched to taking it at night and it helped a lot more. Maybe not this time.
Don't Rush Into Anything!
Posted by Stainboy, Feb 4 2009, 04:07 PM
That's been my motto since I've returned home this time, I went back up to Sheffield a couple of times to look at shared houses and while doing that decided it'd be wrong to rush into moving back without really thinking about it and without knowing what's happening with this job. Then I started thinking about living on my own instead, and today I've been thinking about doing that and just moving up there ASAP, launch myself into the deep end. It'd be handy to already be there for possible interviews (or for this job starting at short notice) and the newness of it all would keep me occupied. I'm getting fed up sitting around down here and don't feel I'm as capable of moving on and doing things. Don't want to turn my back on the club I work in but it's painful to work there at the moment.
Kim said that living on her own didn't give her any new confidence but she's refering to a different kind of confidence than I'm looking for. I'm after my own space with all my own stuff in it so I can feel like a proper human being, even though I feel safe here in my childhood home, I'm not going to achieve that here.
More Progress
Posted by Stainboy, Feb 3 2009, 12:21 PM
She was off work today because of the snow and we had a nice chat, no one word answers just honesty. She said she never wanted to cut off contact completely, just tone it down as she couldn't deal with it at the time. I sent her a massive text the other night getting some things off my chest, I told her that'd be the end of the serious stuff from me for a while and I'd like to just be normal for a while. We did talk about a few serious things today though but it felt more relaxed. I still want to give it another go but I'm not going to push her on it for now.
I'd feel better if I had some other things going on, coming back down here always feels like returning to square one, Jen said think of it as a pitstop which is what I'm trying to do. I'm still applying for other jobs in Sheffield while waiting to hear about this other one, and I'm looking at flats online. Can't remember if I put it in here or not but I'm thinking about living on my own, I think it'd help my self confidence a lot.
I got a phonecall today from the drug and alcohol counselling service that the doctors refered me to. They wanted me to go somewhere impossible for me to get to. I don't actually want to go anyway, I don't need drugs and alcohol counselling I only let the doctors send me there as they said it's the easiest way to see a psychiatrist. Why do I let them fob me off? The doctor in Sheffield was much nicer, that's why I want to move to the same area so I can stay in that surgery.
Some Progress
Posted by Stainboy, Feb 1 2009, 05:47 AM
I sent her some texts after the other night saying I don't know why she's acting like the relationship never mattered, I never treated her badly, she hurt me as well, etc. I got a reply yesterday afternoon, first of all her saying it was her not me, she's bad at relationships. I wasn't sure if this was a defensive sarcastic answer at first, I told her I don't believe that, we both fell into old habits and that's what did it. She said we lived together too soon, which is true even if it wasn't planned and it wasn't actually living together: one person staying at the other's place is different. She tried to use her job as an excuse though which is not right, I told her at the beginning it didn't matter if she was busy in the evenings, I was planning to be busy as well eventually. I never complained she never had time for me. I'm not sure what she was doing the other night still, pushing me away or what? Somebody accused me of following her around all night which I definitely wasn't doing, I was talking to her and being friendly. She seems determined to make things worse than they have to be, I don't know why.
Last night wasn't good for me, I think I went back to work in the club too soon, I was upset there last night and I started to panic. I tried for over an hour to try and get over it but it got worse, I was feeling paranoid that the customers were all staring at me and I was having trouble swallowing. I thought I could get a handle on it the last few weeks but learning to ride it out but it didn't work. What I did do though was tell someone as I've also learnt that pretending that everything's okay out of fear of someone finding out makes it a lot worse. I had a cup of tea and sit for for a few minutes but still felt bad, didn't want to leave the kitchen. So I came home. Felt a bit of a failure but I guess you can't expect to beat it over night.
Do I Deserve This?
Posted by Stainboy, Jan 30 2009, 11:07 PM
She's being so mean to me, there's no need for it, is she trying to make me hate her so that I leave her alone? I never treated her badly, I just got so low I entered a nasty downward spiral. I'd have got out of it, I have before. I've never stayed that way for too long. She hurt me first, she hid how she was feeling about the relationship. Letting me think things between us were okay while she was feeling uncomfortable. She knew I feared people thinking things and now saying them so why do it? I know she was used to keeping her views to herself but we talked about that. There were plenty of opportunities to discuss things, why didn't she give me a chance so we could have worked through it together? Why keep it to herself to let it get worse and then end up angry at me when I screw up. And then shrug off the fact it's over with phrases like "life goes on" it suggests the relationship never mattered at all. I haven't deserved the treatment I'm getting now.
I took some painkillers, just to feel better about tonight. I don't regret it either. If it's okay for her to get stoned this afternoon and drunk tonight then she has no business judging me on some painkillers now. Nobody was mean to her today.
A Little Help
Posted by Stainboy, Jan 29 2009, 04:55 AM
I panicked after writing the last entry, had to get outside in the fresh air. I called my Mum and told her I didn't want to be here in Leeds, didn't want to stick around and go look at houses in Sheffield today as who knows if I'll even live there anyway. She told me to try as if I came home early I'd probably regret it. I felt calmer after talking to her and spent the rest of the afternoon back in the library. Something I have to confess though is I did take some painkillers to help me through the panic, I told my Mum I was planning to do this so as to not keep it in secrecy. I would like to never use them for that purpose but I'm in a vunerable place right now and needed a little help. I've never become addicted to them or really caused any problems with them, I've just used them for a different purpose than what they're meant for. I've been incredibly grateful to have them some mornings when I've suffered anxiety. If anyone reading believes I am in denial then please comment, I appreciate honesty and will not be defensive.
Something I was actually less proud of than the painkillers is I had a couple more beers in the evening, it's habit and habit that's enhanced because I was with Gemma and we always used to be massive drinking buddies. I did eat food at the same time though and the 2nd pint was incredibly hard to get down. Alcohol seems to be another one of those things where my image of it is warped against the reality. Like how my image of myself is stuck in the past so I believe I'm the same socially awkward teenager I was in school whereas people always tell me I'm really easy to get on with and good with people. With alcohol I always seem to crave some like when I used to drink a lot yet I don't actually enjoy it anymore. It's one of the drugs I've used to escape from boredom which I think is a worse use than self medicating to avoid anxiety. The beer and food really wiped me out and I was falling asleep on the sofa pretty early on in the evening. Makes a nice change to be falling asleep normally instead of just passing out.
So this morning I'm sitting in Leeds uni again, just had one of my nutritional milkshakes that I've been having for breakfast lately (think they're keeping me alive!). Gonna go down into the library soon cos it's warm and quiet down there. Think when I'm a student again I'll try and get a job in the library, they're such relaxing places.
New Place To Write
Posted by Stainboy, Jan 28 2009, 08:35 AM
I already have a livejournal that on and off I've managed to stay writing in since the very end of 2002 but I thought I'd create one here to focus on my depression and what's going on. That way more people who're going through the same thing will be able to read it and I can ramble in here about a few things without feeling guilty of clogging up my livejournal.
I just had a beer. Why did I do that? I'm not sure, part of it might have been a test just to see how it'd make me feel, I had one on Saturday night when I met a friend for food and it didn't make me feel that good at all. I think this one was a mistake as well. There was an urge though, so I was curious. I think my urge to drink has been warped for a long time now, I always feel like I want a drink but then not actually like the effect. Though once I've started I tend to want more. I don't want more now, maybe the events of two weeks ago have woken me up to that. If I could go back 2 weeks from now I just might have been able to turn things around, it was already in a lot of danger of failing but wednesday was the final nail.
I feel like I've woken up and the love of my life suddenly doesn't want anything to do with me. I know it wasn't like that, she was feeling uncomfortable while I was depressed but I didn't realise how much and she didn't spell it out to me. I told her at the time my worst fear was people thinking things they're not saying and that's what she was doing. Subtley isn't going to work when you feel like that. I'm so used to people ignoring how bad I feel and thinking it's not a big deal that because she was going along with things I thought it was okay.
Since last week I have reacted different to what I usually do. I haven't hidden myself away, I haven't avoided people, I've been talking to anyone that'll listen, I've been doing things such as yesterdays backfired grand gesture. Something that maybe should worry me though is how I keep thinking it's worth just dying now. I've wanted to die millions of times when depressed but I always knew I wouldn't commit suicide because of who it would hurt. If I'm actually doing things I don't usually do at the moment am I at risk of actually carrying it out? I've always been afraid of feeling worse afterwards though, nobody knows what happens to you, what if it's worse and you can't escape from it?
on Booooredom Is Dangerous