My Life Changes Forever... In A Few Hours :(

Posted by sad_angel, Nov 3 2009, 08:02 PM

It is 8:06 pm and i am sitting here about ready to jump through my skin ... tomorrow morning my friend arrives. My life is going to change forever and today i made some very very big steps towards freedom. I have an appt on thursday with my brother to get my husband cut off my welfare. I have already had the account changed from his account to my account in which the money gets deposited into (even though he screwed me for money again this month as he is not providing neccessary documents to the government and getting extra money he is not claiming from his mother - this bugs me i am such an honest person :( ) I also had my doctor write up documents in regards to our upcoming divorce and that HE will not be in any way shape or form in charge of my mental health but my parents will be in case of something happening. I have made all the preperations to meet my friend tomorrow morning at the bus terminal when he arrives from the USA :) I am so nervous but excited and soooo anxious. OMG i am doing this. By friday of this week i will have my brother, puppy and I out of here and an amazing person whom i think i love very much will be here by my side for some support. I also called my mom today. THIS was HUGE as i have not talked to her in over a month and i had a lot to come clean about. I told her everything i have done - i have a hotel for my friend to stay while i get the guts to tell my husband and get my things and such .. he should know this is coming. but he is clueless and i hate that. he thinks he has me forever :( No way, he wont win this time. I told my mom A LOT. About my upcoming pdoc appt and mental state. She is worried... she wants me out of this mess.. I want my family bacK so bad :( I cant even think straight ... i hope this blog makes sence - i am shaking so bad its hard to type. So ya tomorrow morning i will go get him and take him to the hotel - it is even pet friendly so i can take my ddog there if i have to :) I will come back here and we will have a talk that will lead to a fight that will i am sure lead to the cops here at the house :( I am so scared. I have to do this though i need to take the risk. it cant get any worse then this i know that it can only get better .... I am hoping my parents will be able to lend me some money to get an appt and my bro will get a job and move on with life , and i can focus on me for the first time in a decade... a whole decade wow and i am only 28. I cant stand life slipping me by anymore... in a few hours i am changing it all ;)

Baby Steps To Big Leap?

Posted by sad_angel, Nov 1 2009, 07:05 PM

I have not been able to get online in a few days. To be honest i have been walking around in a foggy state of mind so it feels... Yesterday was halloween and i managed to dress up the puppy and hand out candy to the kids. I miss being a kid sometimes :P But at least i got out of bed ;) Sunday nights overwelm me :( I know a new week is coming and i have so much i have to do... i probably wont get through half of it. This week may be different though. Things at the house have not been good. My husband is pushing me to limits i didnt know i had in me and i hate that. I managed to have a good talk with my brother yesterday and tell him a little of what is going on. That was hard but he is a good source and going through this with me at this point. I told him i am leaving and i need him to find somewhere to go as i cant worry about him and the dog and me and have no job or money or place to go etc... I have a friend from the states and he and i are so close. I met him about a year ago and and i talk to him everyday and am close with his family too! He is going to get a bus here to canada to try and help me out THIS week :O Ok so my theory of baby steps is going out the window :( This is a HUGE step - this means leaving my husband once and for all and staying in a hotel for a little while until we can figure out what the heck to do :( I dont know if this is right to make this jump - take this chance but my life seems hopeless and pointless where i am now so how much worse could it really get?! It could be the best thing i ever do for myself! I want to try and stay in my area for now due to my drs and such .... i am freaking out. I trust him but i dont know if i trust myself sometimes :( urghs. So that is what i have been thinking about lol Am i strong enough to make this big leap rather then the precious baby steps i have been clinging too for so long. I know i have it in me to get out of this it is just so scary looking at the big picture. I have been doing ok with my urges to si - i have had 2 days last week where i did SO well :) I was very proud and drew a big =) on my calender both days. I have also been avoiding alcohol :) But seem to be smoking more ciggerettes which i want to quit soooo bad next. Still waiting for an appt with a new pdoc :( I just hate the foggy feeling i dont want to have to think anymore i just want to fastforward time so that it is a week from now and it is all over and i am gone from this place. Then i can begin to heal and take care of me for once :) As my friend keeps telling me "you will get there - you are almost there ... soon" that word soon keeps running over and over through my head.... i really truly hope this all works out and i am strong enough to do this. *fingers crossed* Again it cant get any worse :(

(edit for sp)

Rambles Of Today

Posted by sad_angel, Oct 29 2009, 08:24 PM

So today was long .... as always. I was up all night again with my heart and head racing around. Finally got to sleep at 9am and husband woke me up with a start to cause a fight. He woke my brother and it was not good.. he was out of his "stuff" his pot word. I hate that stuff. He rolls up all the money and smokes it sigh. Ok well that was not a positive start to a blog - and i am nervous to use words like pot on here. Idk it all makes me feel like worse of a person to be around it all. So i was watching pointless tv until 2pm when i drifted off to a little sleep on the couch. 4pm woke up to him yelling again and welfare on the phone sigh. They are missing more paperwork of HIS and we are suspended. No money and worse for me no meds unless i come up with the cash. I cant they are expensive They will re-instate it when i can get him to get the paperwork together so more work and calls for me tomorrow :( Took the pup for a nice long walk in the fall weather and played with him in the leaves. Felt great! Did not want to come back home :P lol TRIED to eat some dinner ... blahs i dont feel like it :P Now i am sitting doing some research on this stupid energy drink i like so much and trying to think positive. Tomorow i have to get this house clean omg it is a horrible mess .... i need to shower. I dont want to do anything but stay in bed tho in reality :( Almost the weekend... hate the weekends always a party at this house. But will be cute to see the kiddies dressed up for halloween hehe hummm wonder if i should dress the pup up to greet the kids with candy lol ;) He is the only thing that makes me smile these days. I sooo hope i can sleep tonight. Then on to making it though tomorrow ....

My Very First Blog! A Wee Bit Of My Story...

Posted by sad_angel, Oct 29 2009, 07:58 PM

So I have officially started my blog :) I hope this will help me to be able to get some feelings out :) I have never blogged before lol so im sorry if i do wrong :P I journal often so I am guessing this is similar!

I thought I would start off with my a bit of my story (as long and drawn out as it is) but here goes....

I am a 28 year old girl. Born and raised in Canada and to be honest I had a very happy life … until my late teens. When I was 18 I meet my current husband. Our first 2 or so years together we wonderful … it when downhill from there. He found his love for drugs and alcohol at an early age and I feel into it too. At the age of 20 my mom was diagnosed with Breast cancer and life began to change drastically as I had to care for my younger brother while my dad focused on getting my mom to appt after appt after appt. At this point my mom has had full blown cancer 3 times and it still is all over her body. It is just a matter of time it feels which is horrible to say – she is SUCH a fighter and my hero. I want her to be around for the important things in life and not to see me this way. At the age of 21 my mom took me to her doctor after “I started acting strange” and I was diagnosed with PTSD. I am not so sure of that diagnosis as I felt I dealt with my mothers illness quite well. Maybe I am just in denial :P Anyways the drugs and drinking got worse and worse and the abuse from my husband I was denying and changing to make him happy. I hate him for a lot of reasons, although feel so sorry for him as I know he is a good person deep down he just will not get any help for himself. My husband was the smartest person I know and he threw it all away. He is now mean and verbally abusive, drinks all day sleeps all night, wont work (has been almost 2 years now) and most of all disrespectful. I will never been good enough for him and he will never change.

After 5 years of dating, he proposed to me. We were engaged for 2.5 years and were planning a wedding for August of that year when my mom was re-diagnosed with cancer for the third time. They were to start radiation therepy in july making the wedding a hard ordeal for my mom. I snapped… I lost it. I needed her there and cancelled the august wedding and pretty much eloped with 20 family members and friends in april to make sure she was there. I was drunk all day – I don’t remember much but fighting and my husband being hungover all day after drinking and going to hooters all nite. But… she was there and that meant the world to me. The day after our second wedding anniversary, I finally left my husband. That was last april. I took our puppy and went to my gramma’s to detox after years of doing drugs and drinking. I went cold turkey and it was HARD omg it was HARD … I didn’t make it at my grammas as she didn’t understand what was going on with me and so after 4 days there my daddy called me to say he was coming to get me. … for the first time in over 4 years I was going home <3

I made a lot of process at my parents house although I had to leave my puppy with my gramma which was sooo hard. He was my comfort and I was so lost without him … But it pushed me to work harder to get my act together. I stayed sober, got in touch with amazing counceller and with her help and my dr’s help I was diagnosed with depression (again) and offically GAD this time around. I was seeing my counceller once a week and put on 10mg of cipralex which made all the difference! I was away from him and feeling wonderful! Up everyday with something to do – a purpose! My parents then decided with my moms continued illness to sell the family home. My brother and I were devistated when they sat us down and told us we would have to find a place to go L I had not been working for over a year and my brother had just lost his job. Sigh… so long story short – the house sold FAST and they moved. We had no where to go so I brought my brother back here to live with my husband in the basement appartment (I call it a dungeon) of his mothers house. His brother lives upstairs also and they all share the drugs/drinking/video game habit which now my brother is falling into and it hurts me so much although there is nothing I can do. No one listens to what I have to say here and it is not worth fighting with them anymore. It is a horrible place to be and I am currently working on a way to get out … again. There is nothing left beween me and my husband. He has hurt me so much that I dispise him and as a person it takes me a lot to push me to the hate point. He doesn’t care about me and I am not the little wifey robot that he wants. He took away all my friends, my family my life… but I let him. I don’t love him. I don’t respect him. It is over and doing me more harm then good being here. He sets me off so much. So about 6 weeks ago I went back to my family dr that I had not seen in months and I was back in a deeper hole then before april. He up-ed my dose of cipralex to 20mg at that point. Things got worse.

***Potential trigger***
I began to SI which is the scariest thing I have ever experienced. That urge takes over most of my life. I am not even good with going in the kitchen as too many things are sharp – or the bathroom as that is where I do it. I am drinking again. I smoke toooo many cigerettes. I never can sleep. I am in panic all the time. It is really horrible where I have got too in my life.
*******************


I saw my family doctor again last night for a referral to a new pdoc. I am hoping I can again get back on track and get my life back as I am surely going no where here. I admitted all of my problems to him including the si which no one in the entire world other then my DF friends know about. He asked me to show him my leg in which I si and that was the HARDEST thing I have ever done in my life. He is rushing through the pdoc referal and wants me to head to the hospital if things get worse in anyway. He gave me a lot of legal type advise about the trip if I must do it and that helped. Sigh so in all theory after all these years … here we go again back to step #1. I so hope I can get all the answers I need in order to live a happy and peaceful life <3 Now I need to get that phone call for the appt ….

I think a daily blog will be a perfect idea for me to journal how I feel on this jouney and I hope that just by tracking it maybe I will be able to gain some strenth, hope, help or even help someone alone the way who maybe in the same boat as me to a degree! I know each day comes closer to the day when I will finally be happy again and get to be ME … that crazy, wild, loving, carefree, social, free spirit I used to be…. I miss THAT girl. THIS girl is sooooo blue alll the time. The world needs to stop spinning. I want off this roller coaster.

Much love,

Sad_angel

(edit for trigger statement)