http://www.depressionforums.org/forums/blog/1443-marks-moments/ Thu, 04 Oct 2012 23:29:11 +0000 IP.Blog 60 http://www.depressionforums.org/forums/blog/1443/entry-21126-been-a-while/
It's been a while since I last blogged about how I was doing, so I thought I'd let my friends and fellow bloggers/bloggettes(?) know how I'm doing and what I'm up to.

Well, I'm doing pretty ok at present. I don't want to tempt fate/put a hex/jinx/curse on things, but between the medication and the techniques I've been given during therapy (thought diaries, challenges, mindfulness) I've come to terms with my illness, and am really making good strides.

I'm exercising daily, and have had to go up 2 notches on my belt buckle (a much more satisfying method than constantly weighing myself). I'm also looking after myself better in terms of hygiene, and for the first time in as long as I can remember, I'm feeling better about myself in terms of my self-esteem.

I'm pretty sure that my problem throughout this year was the medication that I was on. Being given anti-anxiety tablets, valium and beta blockers as well as non-working anti-depressants put me on an almost opiate-like state for months. I now realise that this WAS NOT living, merely existing. My new medication has made me feel much more awake, alert and active (as has the reduction and stopping of all the meds mentioned above). I've started remembering things! -  rather than being the forgetful 'doofus' I was for so long (no thanks to the w**d either on that one am afraid). I just wish I'd managed to get off those more opiate sensation drugs sooner and get on with my therapy properly. But hey, my GP didn't know everything (and admitted as much), it was the psych evaluation that got me on the correct meds.

I still get anxiety and feel depressed at times, but I'm constantly challenging this. And when I say 'challenging' this, I mean looking at why and what's caused it, then looking at how it's affecting me. Previously, I'd be ruminating about things constantly, worrying when I didn't need to, catastrophising things to be the end of the world when they were realistically-solveable problems. And most importantly, to let things go that I didn't need to be holding on to. I've got enough baggage as it is, without keeping hold of other people's!

I've been keeping up with people here (friends and acquaintances) and to be honest, I feel a little guilty about posting about how I'm doing good when other people aren't. I thought it would be nice for people to hear good news, so I'm giving it from an honest heart.

For those that aren't doing so well, I send you my love, my support, and my ample cuddles. For those making progress, I say 'YEAY' and hope that you keep going. This road isn't easy, as anyone who has so much as stepped foot on it will tell you. But there can be victories.

Take care everyone.

Mark.]]> Thu, 04 Oct 2012 15:59:00 +0000 http://www.depressionforums.org/forums/blog/1443/entry-21126-been-a-while/ http://www.depressionforums.org/forums/blog/1443/entry-20846-hello-everyone/
I'm doing (and I really don't want to tempt fate on this... but here goes).... pretty well!

My new anti-d (Cymbalta - duloxetine), after a rough start, has definitely hit the spot. I'm only angry I wasn't put on it sooner?! (Cost implications to the NHS no doubt)

I've not been as upbeat and anxiety-free for ... well, for this year at least. The difference is definitely noticeable. Put it this way, I went from someone afraid to visit his local garage to put petrol in, to getting round 2 supermarkets yesterday morning with barely a whiff of anxiety or panic.

I'm not putting it all down to the medication though - my therapy has really helped also. I've been taught how to challenge my thoughts and stand up to them when they become overpowering, or (great word coming up) 'ruminating' - I'm terrible for running things over and over in my mind, and I'm training myself (with help) to not do this, to be more 'in the moment' rather than 'well what if this happens.' This isn't easy by any means, but I'm slowly pulling myself upwards. I'm also keeping thought diaries, and being a 'thought detective' - though again, without the over-analysis.

My exercise and diet regimen appears to be paying dividends also - I've had more than a few people ask me if I've lost weight (which I have). The mere fact that they notice is bringing me as much happiness as my addled brain will allow me to accept (I HATE it when it does that, I'm terrible at receiving compliments).

So, I'm doing ok at the moment - one day at a time, being mindful, getting things done.

Thanks for reading.]]> Mon, 03 Sep 2012 16:18:00 +0000 http://www.depressionforums.org/forums/blog/1443/entry-20846-hello-everyone/ http://www.depressionforums.org/forums/blog/1443/entry-20749-rough-seas-and-smooth-sailing/
It's been a while since I've actually posted to my blog, but I've been keeping up with everyone's progress or setbacks.

Those who have followed will know that I've started on a new Anti-D, Cymbalta (duloxetine). After a very VERY rough begninning, I've been back to my GP and have been given a smaller dose to be taken twice daily, rather than the one HUGE tablet in the morning. I've also been prescribed something called domperidone, which is used to keep my stomach from being over upset until the cymbalta beds in.

Well, it's been a week and a bit now, and the results appear to be coming through.

(I'm so nervous about tempting fate by writing this, as I've had limited results with my previous meds......)

It seems to be working - though there are other contributory factors.

I've noticed that my mood has definitely lifted. Not loads, but it's definitely better. I'm crying much less often (though I do think that the tablets are actually inhibiting the tears, which is a bit weird). I'm also having some tingling side effects, much like recreational drugs, but without the euphoria. It's manageable, but a bit odd. Gonna speak to the doc just in case on friday about this.  The other downside is coming off the Trazodone, which has basically ruined my sleep on a night altogether. Am off the valium altogether now, that's only for emergencies.

I really hope the Cymbalta continues to help.

Me-wise, I'm nearly finished with my cognitive behavioural therapy. I have 2 more sessions to go to, where we're going to look at self-esteem and assertiveness (not my strong points, as I'm a very passive person by nature, but need to be more assertive), and also looking at relapse prevention, in case I have bad days (which I understand now will happen). Next up is a mindfulness stress-reduction course, which is a form of meditation and relaxation. So that's GOTTA help, being as how I stress out over everything!

I'm still exercising daily, getting at least 15 mintutes of heart-rate-up work done too.]]> Wed, 15 Aug 2012 15:01:00 +0000 http://www.depressionforums.org/forums/blog/1443/entry-20749-rough-seas-and-smooth-sailing/ http://www.depressionforums.org/forums/blog/1443/entry-20712-whoaahhhh/
So far, no cramps, have managed a full day at work too. A little spacey and tripped out at times, but it's been manageable.

I'll HAVE to eat before I take them. Learned that lesson last week!

Keep going...]]> Wed, 08 Aug 2012 16:12:00 +0000 http://www.depressionforums.org/forums/blog/1443/entry-20712-whoaahhhh/ http://www.depressionforums.org/forums/blog/1443/entry-20692-washout-weekend/
I'm really disappointed. I so wanted to be able to start taking them crossing-over with my other AD tablet (Trazodone) but the side effects were unbearable.

Am really down with it. Setbacks are the last thing I need right now.

Back to crying at my desk with my head down.

Am at the doctors this evening to see if there's anything they can do to help.]]> Mon, 06 Aug 2012 10:10:00 +0000 http://www.depressionforums.org/forums/blog/1443/entry-20692-washout-weekend/ http://www.depressionforums.org/forums/blog/1443/entry-20680-new-meds-and-new-issues-on-top/
I'm not doing very good at present.

I've started taking my new AD - it's Cymbalta (duloxetine). I've started on 60mg per day, to be taken in the mornings.  I've been told my the doctor to stop taking the Trazodone and to just take this instead. I don't think this is right.

I was really hoping for something positive (I know that won't happen in the first 2 days) - but I've had the opposite reaction. I feel totally dazed and can't concentrate on much, and I'm getting the worst stomach pains I've ever had. I suffer from IBS, so I struggle with my stomach at the best of times. This pain is unbearable.

I've read that there's some SE's from starting up on these, but I'm wondering if it's really worth it.

I'm on shorter time at work, as we're in recession in England, so that's a worry at present.

Then I've just had to pay out half my wage to get my car repaired and through it's MOT, then taxed for 6 months. So now I have no money.

Not what you'd call happy times. A drug that makes me feel good that doesn't and no money. great]]> Fri, 03 Aug 2012 14:47:00 +0000 http://www.depressionforums.org/forums/blog/1443/entry-20680-new-meds-and-new-issues-on-top/ http://www.depressionforums.org/forums/blog/1443/entry-20652-scattered-on-mondays/
The two days of peace and relative calm seem to do little to quell my anxiety about Mondays. I got myself really worked up this morning for no good reason. What a waste of energy.

I've been off the valium for 2 weeks now pretty much cold turkey - and boy it's not easy. It was all too easy to reach for it when I needed it. But I've made my decision, I'm only going to take those meds which I absolutely NEED (ones for my IBS and ones for my blood pressure, as well as my new anti-depressant, which like voldemort remains un-named). I've halved my beta blocker intake, and I'm going to try to stop taking those as well (under supervision).

Med withdrawal is tough - I'm sure everyone here knows that all to well. My sleeping is all over the place - up far too early (5am) and can't sleep until past midnight. You could fit a week's worth of shopping into the bags under my eyes.

I'm trying to remain positive in the face of adversity. I'm going to be doing some assertiveness and self-esteem work with my therapist over the coming weeks, which should help with my conflict situations at work.]]> Mon, 30 Jul 2012 16:09:00 +0000 http://www.depressionforums.org/forums/blog/1443/entry-20652-scattered-on-mondays/ http://www.depressionforums.org/forums/blog/1443/entry-20628-verse/
TUNNEL

Halfway through, halfway there,
Chokes behind, in front the clear air.
I move through the funnel
I don't stop, I daren't wait
More intrusion, more delusion
Happiness my own illusion
So tired of chasing some inevitable fate.

I start to falter, just a waiver,
see an old face, need a favour?
Then the pain begins anew
diluting all I thought I knew.

The air is clearer for a while now.
My breathing stronger, happy longer
Just a ripple of an upset in a quite shining pond.
Will the ripple form a wave that
lets my mind just misbehave
Do I slip back once again or move to somewhere far beyond?

I stumble oft, and with good reason
for my burdens are hard and fearful
My mind is tricksy, savage
leaves me raw. My eyes are tearful
As confusion reigns once more.

I still move though, keep on going,
Sometimes speeding, sometimes slowing
As I journey in my head from dark to light.
So hold my hand and walk with me
Come to where we need to be
We'll not give up, we'll keep on pushing, and we'll surely win this fight.]]> Thu, 26 Jul 2012 16:05:00 +0000 http://www.depressionforums.org/forums/blog/1443/entry-20628-verse/ http://www.depressionforums.org/forums/blog/1443/entry-20598-a-long-week/
My days have been long, and pretty much every moment has been fraught with the A-bomb. Wish I could defuse it, but that's gonna take a while.

I've been trying to not take any Diazepam (Xanax) as I need to stop for my CBT to work. Am pretty sure I'm in withdrawal from it, as I've been on it for a few months now. It's been really tough, as I've kinda needed it as there's nothing else that's quitened down my monstrous thoughts. I think I'm gonna take one tonight just to help me relax, as I can't go cold turkey... last time I tried my car got kicked, and i don't want to travel down that path again.

One thing I have noticed is that I've been crying less. Whether that's due to coming off the meds or not I don't know. I  FEEL like crying, but no tears seem to come. (cue the waterfall when I'm least expecting it).

My weekend is going to be pretty quiet, as I've got zero funds. Am saving like crazy for when my pay cut at work starts. I have little enough as it is, and this is adding more pressure onto me and the family (household, bills etc.) I've got some new (to me) games to play on my PS3, so I'm going to give them a try, a bit of escape from the bull**** I'm holding on to.

I feel exhausted, like I could sleep for a month. I think I'll be asleep for a good portion of the weekend (saves spending money, but not the best way of spending time). I'm sure everyone on here could agree with the sleep problems - we all have too much sleep, not enough sleep, or dreaming keeping us from getting the deep sleep we need.]]> Fri, 20 Jul 2012 15:28:00 +0000 http://www.depressionforums.org/forums/blog/1443/entry-20598-a-long-week/ http://www.depressionforums.org/forums/blog/1443/entry-20588-post-therapy-thoughts/
MEDICATION - going on to a new anti-d, taking me off beta blockers and the valium/Xanax/diazepam unless an emergency.

HEALTH - got to get some weight off. Going to try swimming when my anxiety subsides after last weeks relapse. And I'm still doing my power walks at lunchtime (shaved a couple of minutes of my time today - yay for me ).

FINANCES - have started budgeting properly, so that I don't just run out of money in the middle of the month and have to rely on help.

SOCIAL - the tricky one. I'm going to really try and take my sister to see the new Batman movie, as she's pretty down with her illness. She's told me that it's ok if I'm not able to make it through the full movie, but I'm seeing that as a loss if I can't do it.

CBT - my therapist asked me to re-start my thought diaries again. I think that's a good idea, as it gets me to process my thoughts when the anxiety and panic set in. We're going to look at some assertiveness training and some mindfulness/meditative techniques once I get a grip on the panic/anxiety part. (Still not relishing the thought of a panic attack induced in session AT ALL )

WORK - I've calmed the waters thanks to the therapy and a bit of self-appeasement regarding the absolute *** of a guy bullying me. Yet again - I sit ducked down below my screen in my office, pointless tears beginning to leak.

I really need to work on arranging my thoughts properly, it's like a stream I can't switch off or monitor at the moment. Everything seems hyperreal - if that makes any sense.

Anyway, that's me today. Let's see what tomorrow brings. PS - did you know we're running out of Helium? I work at a gift company, and we can't get any. Turns out there's a global helium shortage.

TTFN.]]> Wed, 18 Jul 2012 15:32:00 +0000 http://www.depressionforums.org/forums/blog/1443/entry-20588-post-therapy-thoughts/