Just A Coupla' Thoughts..
Posted by littlecatjoe, Nov 16 2009, 07:35 AM
Well I was right...
Ron has not been able to come up with the energy (mental) to make himself go and talk to the guy about a job. Meanwhile we are struggling harder than ever before and have even had to go and register for the food bank! I am still behind him 100%, because this is his time to work on himself but DANG!! It's hard when Christmas is right around the corner and there is no money for anything at all.... Depression does affect the entire family, even when you know what you are dealing with and will be here to see it though till the end. *sigh*
Today I was looking on the boards and there is a post there from someone who is trying to help a family member go in and get help. I feel for her, I really do- been there and done that and have watched others go through it as well. It's not fun, and knowing that the other person could be feeling so much better just makes it worse!! Why do so many young people self-medicate through drugs and alcohol? Why has it become acceptable that our young men have anger and rage issues that they make worse through use of illegal drugs? And EMO?? C'mon, when did it become cool to think that life is horrible and all we try to do is live through it's pain and all that junk? I think if I was growing up these days I would be depressed myself, all we ever hear about anymore is bad and bad and bad- it's stupid!
Speaking of stupid, I must go off to work- *LOL!*
Another Day, Another Reason For What......
Posted by littlecatjoe, Nov 8 2009, 10:29 PM
The other Day I was so proud of Ron, he actually took care of something that he needed to take care of, and he did it by himself- I didn't need to go and hold his hand!! Of course, it had to do with his truck insurance so of course it is VERY important to him and it needed to be done by a certain time.... If it's one thing that can bring him around it's the truck, or something else to do with the driving the truck- besides work that is!!
Tomorrow he is supposed to be going and meeting with a guy about a new job. Well, that is/was the plan anyway, but tonight he has started to talk himself out of it, saying he isn't ready to work yet and blah, blah, blah... Makes me want to scream it does, although I know he really isn't ready to face any disappointment about a job, he is definately ready to go out and get back into a routine again, plus the money would be really nice right around Christmas time!!
The CPAP machine that Ron is using to treat his sleep apnea seems to be working wonderfully. My questions about his depression being caused by extreme mental fatigue only seem to be answered though, and he continues to struggle with emotional inconsistency. Celexa does not seem to be the wonder drug we were hoping for, and his emotional level has stayed flat or gets down, I haven't seen him happy about anything except episodes of his favourite show of the moment, which he seems to get quite a kick out of but doesn't want to share with me. Makes me feel left out and kind of confused about his feelings towards me, as he knows I also enjoy watching this show, he watches it on DVD, and never seems to wait for me to be there to watch with him... Something trivial on my part, but still.
Our relationship is circling the proverbial toilet again. Yeah, mostly from my point of view I agree- He thinks that everything is fine and dandy! It bothers me because it seems there has been absolutely no effort on his part to keep things strong between us since before the decision to change medication was made. That was what, in July? I know it's been four months or so... Intimacy has dropped off altogether, and although he and I halfheartedly started to try that "10 minutes" thing we saw on the Doctor Oz show (10 mins of talking everyday, 10 mins of kissing and cuddling 3 times a week, and s- e- x once a week) he won't talk about things that need to be talked about and makes jokes about the tougher subjects anytime I bring them up. He makes excuses to not do the kissing and cuddling part and it hasn't been a week yet.... Of course, he has NO interest in s-e-x and has no time or patience for me talking about it anymore. I feel trapped, fed up, and totally helpless. Horrible. I wouldn't wish this on anyone....
So another week goes by. I am tired of the struggle. On the depression side things are going well and I am happy, but on the realtionship side things could be so much better and I am miserable. He knows I am not happy and I fight my feelings that he doesn't care enough to try and change anything. I don't know if it is pills or what- He acts normal enough, but our relationship is not the same as it was before and he says he still can't find anything to be happy about. I find I am having a hard time holding it together these days and I don't have the backup of a stable and secure partner, so I'm thinking it's time for me to go and get some real-life help, allthewhile praying that it doesn't last much longer so I won't have to go and talk to someone- very confusing! *lol*
Thats gonna be it for today.
Hang in there y'all!
Just A Little Somethin' Somethin' To Get Started..
Posted by littlecatjoe, Nov 4 2009, 10:06 PM
Well here it is, the 4th of November already- times flies indeed!! Only what, 50 or so days left till Christmas and nothing changing.... Was told by someone today that maybe blogging might help work the nasties out of my head so I've decided to give it a try. Does anyone else want chocolate? I definately want chocolate, and I'm not above pushing some dear old lady out of the way to get me some.. LOL! *sigh*
Alrighty-roo. My husband suffers from depression and I have been hanging in there taking care of thngs for a really long time. The only medication he has ever been on has been Paxil and recently we decided to try something new as the Paxil seemed to be having a detrimental effect on his motivation, his general enjoyment of life, and his sex drive!! Currently he is on 20 mgs of Celexa and he is doing okay, but it seems to be the same as when he was on Paxil and he has no motivation to do anything but sit around and pi** me off with his pessimism!! Oh, that and snap at the kids and the dogs for silly stuff, makes me cranky for sure.... I don't know why depression causes some people to be angry so much, but honestly I'd rather have him lying around crying all the time like the stereotypical female depression symptoms than just being cranky cause he hurts inside and wants to share it with his family. Hard to explain that to folks as well, all they see is a big lazy irritating guy with anger issues, they don't care about why he's that way to begin with...
In reading a PM this evening I realized that something I have noticed in the past that seems to haunt Ron also has been noticed hovering around at least one someone else who has the same MI. Why is it that a guy who has to take medication just to think normally has to be one to experience all sorts of bad things happening in his life to make him think the bad thoughts in the first place? I mean it doesn't seem as if some people can get a break does it? Why is it that someone whose whole identity is wrapped up in the job he is doing has so much trouble keeping a decent job to be proud of? And it's not as if he is stealing or mouthing off or missing time or anything and getting fired, it seems to be the universe acting against him with contracts expiring and companies shutting down so he gets laid off, or things going wrong with our vehicle so that he cannot physically get to the job he desperately wants to get to and the company is not willing to give him any leeway so that he can work things out? The last job he lost because they thought he had untreated diabetes because their physical exam found sugar in his urine, but then when we went further and had him tested at the doctors office they found there was no reason for any sugar spike to have been there, and there had been no sugar problems detected for the last 3 months!! (Amazing they can do all that with a blood test, but there you go.) So I don't get it- it almost seems comical except that it's not funny, and we have wasted so much of our lives over this kind of drama that it makes me want to cry....
I would like to put this blog out there for other women who are struggling with their husbands depression. I think depression in men is more prevelant than anyone suspects, and I would love to have some sort of support group that deals with the types of issues I have been through over the last million years- okay 10 for sure, but it feels like a million sometimes! We have nothing here like that, and the only group I have found that deals with depression is for sufferers only and is too far away for me to even think of attending on a regular basis. I know all the emotional crap has got to come out somewhere and I am tired of sharing too much of my life with a family who doesn't even try to understand anymore, or a daughter who wants to know about her dad's illness but cannot handle it either.
Not sure how this works for a first blog entry, but I guess you get what you get!
Hang in there everyone...