Seventh Post

Posted by Cim, Nov 5 2009, 02:44 PM

Right, well I need to come up with better titles for my posts...

Anyways, I'm posting as I sit here this afternoon, refreshing my email, surfing the net etc. Still could be doing most or all of the things listed in my blog post a couple of days ago. Could be going to the gym. Lots of other things.

Actually the specific reason that I am sitting here right now is that I screwed up the time of my appointment with my therapist... it was supposed to be at 2pm and I thought it was 3pm. Luckily, we were able to reschedule to 6pm today.

Watched the 72 minute YouTube video that was a seminar for Google employees from Jon Kabat Zinn about mindfulness. Twas ok. Basically what I got from it is that you need to relax and feel your true self once in a while so that you don't get anxious by running around so much (eg. mentally more than physically I suppose).

I'm sitting here thinking to myself... yeah, I've got floor hockey tomorrow night which will be fun, then a social event after that... which will probably be OK... but I really don't feel that it will make any difference... I'll just go and come back as empty as I came. Back to what I was talking about in the last post about visioning... I need to imagine how this will feel good to me and define success in a realistic simple way rather than yet again failing to achieve my life's goal in one evening (not that I have a goal anyways). Instead of ruminating or just sitting and/or doing the same mindless things repeatedly (eg. surfing the net or whatever) I need to make a different choice.

In the job search I feel that people want to help me but I always push them away... I just don't want to tell them anything about myself because I'm... I'm not sure if the right word is ashamed, or "I hate myself"... but its something along those lines.

Sometimes people have 5 year plans or 10 year plans... I don't even have a plan for the next 2 minutes.