Ninth Post
Posted by Cim, Nov 15 2009, 10:32 AM
(Already posted in forums, but want the continuity here)...
Aargh. I'm so pi**ed off at myself. I've been really wanting to speak with my landlord (I rent a room in a house) about the fact that in the seven months I've been living here he's not really done the stuff that we've agreed in the beginning (eg. a proper shower, living room etc.). Even though I've politely brought it up many times. If he's not going to do it I at least want him to reduce the rent. Anyways I was having coffee with him in Starbucks today and totally should have brought it up... I just couldn't because I always catastrophize in my mind (he won't fix things, he won't reduce the rent, he'll stonewall me etc. etc.). I just get nervous and chicken out... ugh I'm so annoyed at myself. This is like an example of what occurs everywhere in my life. Always overanalyzing, not standing up for myself, thinking the worst is going to happen. I mean I know what the solution is (eg. how many times has the worst really happened, even if it doesn't how bad will it be etc. etc.) but I can't seem to get over it.
ETA - I make every decision out to be, OMG, if I get this decision wrong I'm going to fall off the precipice to some kind of Hell. Rationally I know this makes no sense but its how I feel... I'm feeling the most negative outcome before it happens. I know feeling this way is really not the reality, but how do I get over this... God, this is SO FRUSTRATING!
Eighth Post
Posted by Cim, Nov 7 2009, 01:02 PM
Was at a party last night. Why is it that if I'm in a group of three people, that when one of the other people leaves then its like almost a trigger for the other person to leave... Am I that uninteresting? I don't get it.
Anyways, I really have to start working hard on (a) as discussed with my therapist, noticing my negative thoughts and I suppose ideally getting around them quickly... which would lead me to (b) being more positive (how? visualizing success, not complaining)... actually not complaining should be © as that definitely would need its own category ;).
Seventh Post
Posted by Cim, Nov 5 2009, 02:44 PM
Right, well I need to come up with better titles for my posts...
Anyways, I'm posting as I sit here this afternoon, refreshing my email, surfing the net etc. Still could be doing most or all of the things listed in my blog post a couple of days ago. Could be going to the gym. Lots of other things.
Actually the specific reason that I am sitting here right now is that I screwed up the time of my appointment with my therapist... it was supposed to be at 2pm and I thought it was 3pm. Luckily, we were able to reschedule to 6pm today.
Watched the 72 minute YouTube video that was a seminar for Google employees from Jon Kabat Zinn about mindfulness. Twas ok. Basically what I got from it is that you need to relax and feel your true self once in a while so that you don't get anxious by running around so much (eg. mentally more than physically I suppose).
I'm sitting here thinking to myself... yeah, I've got floor hockey tomorrow night which will be fun, then a social event after that... which will probably be OK... but I really don't feel that it will make any difference... I'll just go and come back as empty as I came. Back to what I was talking about in the last post about visioning... I need to imagine how this will feel good to me and define success in a realistic simple way rather than yet again failing to achieve my life's goal in one evening (not that I have a goal anyways). Instead of ruminating or just sitting and/or doing the same mindless things repeatedly (eg. surfing the net or whatever) I need to make a different choice.
In the job search I feel that people want to help me but I always push them away... I just don't want to tell them anything about myself because I'm... I'm not sure if the right word is ashamed, or "I hate myself"... but its something along those lines.
Sometimes people have 5 year plans or 10 year plans... I don't even have a plan for the next 2 minutes.
Sixth Post
Posted by Cim, Nov 4 2009, 02:27 PM
I figured I would write this blog because I am just sitting around doing nothing... well, really its like I'm paralyzed in my own thoughts. I should be looking for a job... if not networking than at least making some applications to companies. I guess I'm not doing it because of what I at least somewhat spoke about in my recent post, that I can't see how things will be successful, I don't matter and maybe I can just end it if it doesn't work.
Its kind of strange... early in the morning I feel really down then once I have a shower and coffee I feel actually really good. Then as I settle into the day things go downhill. But for that period of time I do feel like things are going to be better.
I understand that pro athletes and others do visualization to help them... why do I think it is stupid and pointless for me? Maybe because trying to do something could involve failing and others, for lack of a better word, "accusing" me of being stupid.
Has anyone else ever tried visualization?
I guess I should go out and "feel the fear and do it anyway" lol and then come back and report the results.
Fifth Post
Posted by Cim, Nov 2 2009, 03:18 PM
Today I am not feeling well. Don't have the energy / will to really do anything... though looking forward to soccer tonight.
Just feels like a bad day... whenever I start to feel bad I think I should just end it (even though I don't have the guts to do it / a plan).
Here's a list of some of the things I should be doing and/or have put off:
- get groceries (if i'm not going to do anything else, may as well do this)
- call headhunters for jobs (but first thing is really to formulate what I need to tell them about what kind of job I want)
- visualize my future career success (haha), what I want my new job to be like
- watch mindfulness based stress reduction video on youtube by jon kabat-zinn
- watch rented movie and/or return it (its already late)
- file application to relevant authority to get my last landlord to pay me a few hundred on interest on last month's rent
- call my previous family doctor to forward relevant medical records to my new family doctor so that I can look at going on ADs
- go to my new family doctor to get a script so I can defray some costs on new therapist
- sort out retirement fund (move money into better investments)
- go to a toastmasters meeting (have put it off for a couple of weeks)
I just feel so far behind in life (not because of the above, although some of the points are indirectly related). Also, I don't interview well for jobs so how am I ever going to get a decent one.
Fourth Post
Posted by Cim, Oct 31 2009, 01:57 PM
Visited the therapist for the first time the other day. One thing that I didn't really discuss specifically with her but am now thinking about was that, even though I think my parents did the best they could or whatever, I did not develop, nor do I currently have, a keen sense of self-worth. The idea that my needs and feelings do matter and that I, and this is poor word choice, "deserve" to achieve success in life. I'm terrible at setting goals and working toward them. I think the fact that my parents often minimized and did not develop my needs and desires as I might have seen them (rather projecting what they though I needed on to me, along with their own insecurities) coupled with the teasing I dealt with from my own age group, leads me to the point where I am now. This sort of seems like I'm trying to make excuses for my own part (haha) in developing my own life, but these seem to be at least part of the story, if not a very good chunk.
As I remember it my parents always seemed to impose their way (not in a major way, but in a lot of day to day practical ways) and never really challenged me. Like we always had to go to the cottage every summer even though I hated it so much there. How my dad had to wake me up every morning in the summer cause he HAD to have his cereal and toast before going out. Even he was helping me move at my apartment and he had to unscrew a light bulb in one room so that he could set up a lamp in the other room so that he could read before bed... ("Well, I'm gonna read") Like ***, just go to bed ffs. He's just stubborn and narrow minded in someways. Maybe these examples seem silly but they are just a small bits and pieces of a bigger picture.
So in my youth I isolated which was convenient for my parents. Too bad for them for whatever worry they saved themselves in my teenage years they are getting back ten-fold now, probably worrying that I'm going to **** myself or something.
Its just ridiculous to be at the age of 34 and have such little direction. I just don't care. I really wish I would stop living or better yet have never been born or could somehow go back and relive my life.
Somehow I have to fix this though.
Sorry for the run on sentences and lack of examples. Its a bit airy fairy maybe.
Third Post
Posted by Cim, Oct 25 2009, 07:40 AMI've mentioned to some of you in the forums that I have this Halloween party that I've been invited to next weekend. I don't really want to go because I don't like parties. It does seem like an opportunity to practice CBT. And its not like I get invited to a lot of parties (e.g. none). So this is what's on my mind. Among many other things.
Second Post
Posted by Cim, Oct 22 2009, 09:07 AM
I'm really not sure whether I'm supposed to write something that will be interesting to others or just a stream of consciousness may only be interesting to me (and probably not even me)... I'll try the latter :)
- I find having a Starbucks Americano greatly improves my mood in the morning (I'm just having one now)
- Even though my landlord is a nice guy and seems like a friendly sort... I've been living here for 6 months and still don't have a proper shower and the living/family/dining is just glorified storage... so I eat my meals in my room... no matter how nicely I ask nothing gets done... he'll say he'll do something and he just doesn't do it. It would be difficult for me to find a new place and here is not too bad... ultimately I just feel like I'm being treated at least unfairly if not disrespectfully - and no one likes that - this is what I'm stewing about most recently... I want to ask him to either drop the November rent or at least give me a break... I don't even really want that but I feel its the only way to make him pay attention.
- Saw two therapists this week for a trial... thinking to go back to one today... she only works in my city Wed Thu so need to call her up within a couple of hours if I want to go today. Also set up an appointment with the other one but would then have to cancel that (for 3 or 4 days from now) ugh. I don't know which one to pick.
- I can literally take days to make decisions that a lot of people would probably make in 2 seconds.
- Looking forward to a floor hockey tournament on the weekend
- Friend just cancelled drinks tonight but I'll be able to reschedule
- I have a lot of time on my hands so maybe I'll just post this for now and do a new one later...
First Post
Posted by Cim, Oct 21 2009, 07:20 AMWent a new family doctor today (new doctor, closer to my new place, thinking of not using the old one anymore) and said that I'd had this history of depression and anxiety and had tried different things and he pretty much cut me off and told me that I should be using meds but that he didn't have 3 hours to examine me so I should go to my old doctor and get copies of various notes in my file. I was pretty shell shocked at that. I guess he didn't want to waste the time talking to me he just wanted to see the old notes of what the others said. It was pretty abrupt and sort of a disappointing result. So now I've changed doctors and this one (had seen him once before) seems like kind of an a******, to be honest, though one might call that no-nonsense or something.
on Ninth Post