You Know The Night Time Is The Right Time

Posted by afrodite, Nov 17 2009, 02:35 AM

Night time is a weird time for me. I'm a night person. I always have been unless I had a job where I had to get up super early and was exhausted by the end of the day. I can't just go to sleep at 9 or 10. If I'm tired early I'll go to sleep but wake up at some ridiculous hour and can't get back to sleep. Night time is also my alone time after everyone goes to bed. I get really restless late at night. It used to be when I did my best work in college. I used to clean my apartment at night. If I'm not really involved in something I always hate being in the house at night. I feel bored, restless and closed in. Most nights I go out. I'll go to a friends house if they're around or I'll go out to the bar have a beer and chat. Sometimes I'll just go for a drive or to walmart or something. After I've been out I feel like coming in and going to sleep. In the day I'm totally okay being inside all day. I was inside all day (well almost all day) today and I was fine. Now it's after midnite and I'm bored.

On the bright side I've felt really good the past week. My depression is only really REALY bad during my period. The week after that I feel awesome and then the weeks after that til my next period I feel ok. I went to that place and they just gave me a list of places that might be able to accept my insurance. I'll have to make some calls before work tomorrow.

Today Is The Day (again)

Posted by afrodite, Nov 13 2009, 10:36 AM

So I'm going in for an assessment at a mental health intake place. They're going to do an assessment to see if i qualify for treatment and help me find a pdoc and therapist. Sounds good. I just wish I didn't have to go to work today afterward. It's going to be a rough day. 14 hour sale and I close. I hate closing during big sales. At least they have everyone in the department on the schedule today.

I finally met that guy from Halloween last night. He seemed cool and smart. He was an English major, traveled to Europe, taught English. He's a journalist. He sort of talks too much though. Well he got hijacked by a friend because they both like Harry Potter. I couldn't give two s***s about Harry Potter so I just left him to her. I don't know why I feel pi**ed about it because I wasn't insanely interested in him. oh well.

Well...

Posted by afrodite, Nov 10 2009, 04:53 PM

It's been an interesting week. Some good and some bad.

The bad :

I had been feeling super depressed all week. Work sucks. I've been feeling very VERY lonely. I have no real friends here. I get sick of being in the house with my family all the time.

The really REALLY horrible
So that Pdoc visit I had? I was late and he couldn't take me because his other patient was already there. I couldn't reschedule either or I'd have to pay over $200. I had a melt down because all i could think of is how I messed up and I didn't want my dad to find out. I cried in the car for 2 hours. I was a mess at work. I called all these other places to see if I could get an appointment. I was so irrational and upset they thought I was an emergency case. I thought about dying. I felt terrible even though it was because I was suck in traffic for 20 minutes. A stupid truck broke down in the middle of the ramp and traffic was completely stopped. I could have left a few minutes earlier and I might have made it. I already felt bad because the night before I slept with a guy I don't like because I was lonely. I felt like a failure at life. Lost my chance at help because of stupid traffic. Sleeping with someone I don't like or respect because I can't have anything else. Worrying about what I'd tell my dad when he asked about the appointment. Bad. Just bad.

The good:
-I met a guy on halloween and he texted me. My phone was dead for two days so i didn't get it until saturday. I texted him back and we texted back and forth all night. I don't know what he looks like since he had a mask on but maybe he'll be cute. He said he wants to see me and will be in touch. He hasn't contacted me since and is probably full of s*** but it felt nice for a second.

-Even though I felt really depressed and lonely this weekend my dreams were good. I had a dream that I had my own apartment again. It was roomy and nicely furnished. I had another one that I had a BF that was very nice. We had lots in common and he was crazy about me.

-I had two days off together again this week. I feel great today and cleaned my room and vacuumed the house. I got all my laundry done.

-I called the local mental health organization and will be going in for an assesment on friday for treatment. yay!

Tomorrow's The Day

Posted by afrodite, Nov 4 2009, 09:35 PM

I go see my new P doc tomorrow. I'm excited. I haven't had one in over 7 years. I went to the school counselor in college but that was it. I'm glad that i'll be able to get some sort of help because I truly need it. It feels like I'm going nuts. My emotions are all over the place. I'm paranoid and anxious. I'm drinking more. I'm crying a lot more. I feel very very lonely. It just sucks.

Today me and my dad were supposed to take the car to get checked out. I got my period and feel like i'm dying so he took it. I got up and got the trash out of the car to make sure there wasn't any incriminating evidence in there. I looked down and there was a used condom lying next to the car. It was the most random thing ever because we don't have trash lying around the street in our neighborhood. Of course I didn't pick it up. When I got back in bed I started all this crazy thinking. Would my dad see it and think I was out screwing some guy in the car? I should have picked it up. I actually thought that I should have picked up some stranger's used condom! That's nuts. Then I worried about him going in the trunk and finding this guy's hat in there. I gave a couple of guys I know a ride home one night and one left his hat in there. I threw it in the trunk because I rarely see that guy. I'm thinking OMG my dad is going to think I'm screwing some guy and be mad. I don't know why I always feel this way. I aways feel something will make my dad angry. I'm always trying to cover my tracks for things I didn't do or things I think he might get mad about. The amount of time and thought I put into covering my *** you'd think I'm running a drug operation from my bedroom.

He's honestly the most loving, supportive father a girl could have. Why do I feel like this all the time? I don't want to come home from work because I feel like he'll have discovered something and lecture me when I get home. It's crazy because he hasn't lectured me in a long time. I don't even know what it is that he could find out. I just feel guilty all the time. I feel like I could never pay him back for letting me live here and taking such good care of me. I feel like I basically have to defer to him to make up for ever being here. My mom even said I need to stop kissing his ***. The problem is that I don't know where *** kissing starts and being respectful begins. I've been going out almost every night. I like to be out and be somewhere where no one has control of me. I don't owe anyone anything. I feel like I can just relax. I think if I lived alone I wouldn't go out as much. I'd probably stay in eat and do other stuff. I just miss being around people my own age since all my good friends are back east. I don't know if I'm a bad person for not wanting to be in the house with family all the time or not. I probably need to stay in more because I drink more since I'm out all the time. I don't get wasted but when I add up the amount of drinks I have a week it's a lot since it's almost everyday. I don't drink at home besides the very occasional beer when me or my stepmom buys a six pack.