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Okay Today

Posted by jojin , 11 September 2012 · 272 views

Today went okay. I got some of my coursework done, ate pretty well, and stayed downstairs for a few hours. If I had to rate my anxiety, I would say it was a "5".

I was really tired this afternoon. My energy has been waning a lot. I feel very confused about my mental health. Sometimes, I'm unsure if I have a problem at all, but then I'll remember just everything that's happened. I read other blogs here and sometimes I think, "Maybe I'm just pretending to be sick or making myself sick." It just seems weird that two days ago I was laying in bed thinking about dying and today I feel okay.

I do remember a time of being truly deep into depression where everyday was a fight to get up and a fight to move. As far as my social anxiety, is just being afraid to talk really anxiety? Is it more than that?

Still, I feel lots of guilt and regret about things, I'm afraid of being judged, their are things I can't watch or see because I know it will start the anxiety, and I know I don't trust people as well as I should. I just wish I knew for sure what's going on with me.

Ugh! Of course there's something wrong with me. I have to think for hours before I can just go downstairs!

I think I got too close to Ally's 15 year old son and 11 year old daughter today. Their parents were out, and the 11 year old needed help with her homework. Anyway, the both started bickering and roughhousing and I always end up trying to wrangle them apart. It's way out of my comfort zone and I felt too involved. This is why I started distancing myself from them before. I got too comfortable with telling them what to do or telling them to stop fighting. I don't want to get to a place where I say something or do something I'll regret. I have to remind myself "These are not my siblings. I don't have a right or a place to tell them what to do. I'm not their friend and i can't be friends with them."

November 2015

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