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Really Tired And Anxious
Posted by
jojin
,
13 August 2012
·
119 views
Today wasn't as bad as yesterday. I spent a good deal of time downstairs (at least more than usual). Still, the majority of my time has been upstairs.
I have to work tomorrow. It's an 8 hour shift, which I haven't had in a while. The only bad part is I'll have to walk there and back.I thought about asking for a ride there, but I hate to bother anyone. I really need to learn to drive. Even if I did, it's not like I can afford a car.
I didn't look for work today. I should be. I feel like it's one of those hopeless things. If I do find work, it won't be in anything that I like or where I can feel comfortable. That's my real problem with finding work; knowing I won't be happy.
I changed Shelly's water today. Her abscess looks much better. I think she going to make it :)
I really want to go home. I miss my mom. I talked to my grandma today. I try to call her at least once a week. That looks bad when I read it. She really misses me and I miss her. She has Alzheimer's, so I don't know how much time I have with her until she forgets who I am. I try not to think about it.
I thought about that friend I've been avoiding. It's really mean to just shut him off like this. How do you tell someone you don't want to hang out or talk or anything anymore? Honestly, I think I liked him more when there was 108 miles between us. It was easier to just email back and forth. Seriously, he's not the first person I just dropped and avoided. I know I'm being redundant. I must have blogged about this a few times now. Still, I don't like feeling like a bad person.
There's been another shooting. things like that scare me. The shooting in the Sikh temple and the Theater bothered me, and a new one doesn't help my view of the world. I try to think that there's more good in the world than bad, even though it doesn't look that way most of the time.
I didn't have as many negative thoughts today. That's a good thing.
--I'm back. I posted like 45 minutes ago and between then and now, I did myself a real personal anxiety no no: I looked up bible quotes.
I recenltly "liked" are I love Jesus page on facebook (atheists, please don't laugh at me for being a believer). Anyway, I'm always unsteady about religious things and went to look over the page just to be sure I wasn't supporting some intolerant nonsense (again, don't laugh at me). An aetheist had posted several links on the page and I clicked one. It went to a video on youtube called "the good book." In the video white text on a black background fades in and out showing the most violent passages from the bible, while a preacher talks about God's love and Hell.
I knew before going to that link that the Bible is a scary and violent place. I'm not so naive as to beleive that it makes much sense, still it always leaves me questioning myself, my beliefs, and everything else. Still, that link woke up every worry and fear I have about religion.
Religion, Christianity in particular, is one of my big anxiety "triggers" (I guess that's what it's called). When I was 15, I was consumed with fear of dying and hell for a whole summer. It seemed there was no escaping the firey pit. I cried every day because I convinced myself that everyone one I knew was going to die and got there. It made me afraid of loosing my mom, so everyday I thought was the last I would have with her. Anyway, she thought I was just putting on an act after four weeks of crying and waking her up in the night and calling her at work and hiding in my room, praying like a mad woman.
I don't know what snapped me out of it, but I learned to avoide religion (church, the bible, televangelists, things like that). Watching that video was one of the worst things I could have done. I know how to make the thougths of hellfire and brimstone go away, and I usually just pray about it and I'm okay.
It's all very conflicting, because I want a better relationship with God, but not if it means being intolerant of others, biggoted, and dogmatic. I've been keeping a prayer journal for a year now. Looking through it, my relationship with God hasn't really grown.
It's sad because, this is hard to admit, but the only reason I think I really beleive in God is because I'm afraid of what will happen if I don't.
I hate talking religion. I sound like a crazy person.
I have to work tomorrow. It's an 8 hour shift, which I haven't had in a while. The only bad part is I'll have to walk there and back.I thought about asking for a ride there, but I hate to bother anyone. I really need to learn to drive. Even if I did, it's not like I can afford a car.
I didn't look for work today. I should be. I feel like it's one of those hopeless things. If I do find work, it won't be in anything that I like or where I can feel comfortable. That's my real problem with finding work; knowing I won't be happy.
I changed Shelly's water today. Her abscess looks much better. I think she going to make it :)
I really want to go home. I miss my mom. I talked to my grandma today. I try to call her at least once a week. That looks bad when I read it. She really misses me and I miss her. She has Alzheimer's, so I don't know how much time I have with her until she forgets who I am. I try not to think about it.
I thought about that friend I've been avoiding. It's really mean to just shut him off like this. How do you tell someone you don't want to hang out or talk or anything anymore? Honestly, I think I liked him more when there was 108 miles between us. It was easier to just email back and forth. Seriously, he's not the first person I just dropped and avoided. I know I'm being redundant. I must have blogged about this a few times now. Still, I don't like feeling like a bad person.
There's been another shooting. things like that scare me. The shooting in the Sikh temple and the Theater bothered me, and a new one doesn't help my view of the world. I try to think that there's more good in the world than bad, even though it doesn't look that way most of the time.
I didn't have as many negative thoughts today. That's a good thing.
--I'm back. I posted like 45 minutes ago and between then and now, I did myself a real personal anxiety no no: I looked up bible quotes.
I recenltly "liked" are I love Jesus page on facebook (atheists, please don't laugh at me for being a believer). Anyway, I'm always unsteady about religious things and went to look over the page just to be sure I wasn't supporting some intolerant nonsense (again, don't laugh at me). An aetheist had posted several links on the page and I clicked one. It went to a video on youtube called "the good book." In the video white text on a black background fades in and out showing the most violent passages from the bible, while a preacher talks about God's love and Hell.
I knew before going to that link that the Bible is a scary and violent place. I'm not so naive as to beleive that it makes much sense, still it always leaves me questioning myself, my beliefs, and everything else. Still, that link woke up every worry and fear I have about religion.
Religion, Christianity in particular, is one of my big anxiety "triggers" (I guess that's what it's called). When I was 15, I was consumed with fear of dying and hell for a whole summer. It seemed there was no escaping the firey pit. I cried every day because I convinced myself that everyone one I knew was going to die and got there. It made me afraid of loosing my mom, so everyday I thought was the last I would have with her. Anyway, she thought I was just putting on an act after four weeks of crying and waking her up in the night and calling her at work and hiding in my room, praying like a mad woman.
I don't know what snapped me out of it, but I learned to avoide religion (church, the bible, televangelists, things like that). Watching that video was one of the worst things I could have done. I know how to make the thougths of hellfire and brimstone go away, and I usually just pray about it and I'm okay.
It's all very conflicting, because I want a better relationship with God, but not if it means being intolerant of others, biggoted, and dogmatic. I've been keeping a prayer journal for a year now. Looking through it, my relationship with God hasn't really grown.
It's sad because, this is hard to admit, but the only reason I think I really beleive in God is because I'm afraid of what will happen if I don't.
I hate talking religion. I sound like a crazy person.
You don`t sound like a crazy person.I used to do stuff like that too.I believe in God.I don`t agree with some of the views my religion.I used to think that made me a bad person and not worthy of anything.I was raised in church.Some of the things they preached about used to scare me especially when I was a kid.My opinion is that God is a loving God and not there to condemn us or judge us.He`s just there to love us.It`s normal to question things.We are human beings.