Shame. I Have A Lot Of It.

It's something that's occurred to me this week that the one dominating thing in my life is shame.  For a while i thought it was loneliness, but no, it's shame.  

I am ashamed of myself to the point of disgust and hatred.  But I'm too ashamed to ask for help or do something about it, and that makes me even more ashamed.

I am ashamed of my weight and my body.  I desperately want to find someone to share my life with but I don't believe I will ever because of this (even though plenty of people far larger than me are in relationships) but then even this is not enough to motivate me to diet and exercise long term.  Oh I've lost weight in the past but then just turned around and put it all back on, and more. I'm ashamed of that.

I am ashamed at the negative thoughts and jealousy I have about other people.  I'm really good at what I do and constantly come up with new, improved ways of doing things and go beyond my role helping others, and yet other people in my team are constantly winning awards and accolades for doing things half as good, and what is just their job.  I'm often overlooked.  Someone once said to me that because my standard of work was always excellent and thus their expectation of me was 'so high', it was hard to single out any one thing to award me for.  That should make me feel better but it doesn't.  It just makes me feel bitter and resentful, and for that I'm ashamed.

I am ashamed about how messy my apartment is.  It's a pig sty.  I've tried so often to tidy it up but it just gets messy again.  I never have anyone over but yet I still just slob around and do little to fix it.  I'm ashamed of that.

I am ashamed that nobody (outside my family/friends) has ever loved me.  What does that say about me as a person that there is not one person on the planet, family aside, who has ever wanted to be with me, get to know me?  I've never even been asked on a date.  How do you tell people that without them immediately either pitying you or thinking you're a freak.  I recently caught up with an old friend I hadn't seen or talked to in over 10 years.  It was fantastic to talk to her again but of course the first thing she asked was "are you married or seeing anyone?".  How embarrassing to have to say no, alone as always - how shameful to still be so unwanted after so long.

I am ashamed of my laziness.  But I will still spend an entire weekend doing nothing.  And then complain about my life (to myself, I don't complain to others, nobody is interested in that).

I am ashamed that I have friends who constantly make an effort with me and I sometimes make excuses not to see them.  I don't deserve them.  My best friend has know me for almost 35 years and bless her, she still rings me me, invites me over for dinner and makes an effort in general.  I never talk about my despair or loneliness and I always try and be upbeat and fun when I'm with her because I'm just so ashamed of myself and how I've turned out.  What a loser.

I'm ashamed I will never give my mother grandchildren.  She wants them so desperately and now it looks like she will never get them, never know that joy.  Because I'm so unloveable that nobody wanted to have children with me.

I'm ashamed I'm such a pathetic whiner.  I am an intelligent, independent woman who owns her own apartment and has worked full time in good jobs for the last 20 years - on paper I should not be the pathetic individual I am.  Others with my same experience have excelled far above me, my boss is someone I trained 18 years ago.

Above all I'm just ashamed to be me.  I've had loads of opportunities and haven't had half the life traumas and terrible experiences that a lot of people have had, and yet here I am moaning and complaining.  I just wish I could shut the hell up and get over it, but the shameful voice telling me I'm worthless just won't.