Just My Thoughts And Ramblings Want To Get It All Out...

i wanted to do a blog to sort out everything in my head maybe get it in order instead of a thousand different thoughts all muddled up in some big ball of s***...
My spelling and grammar is not very good so i know there will be alot of mistakes so dont need it pointed out.

Where do i start....Iv had depression for 6 years now. I have really bad bouts of anxiety and get attacks quite abit its awful. i just close off from people and not say a word to people. My ex dumped me because she couldnt handle the depression because it got bad a few times. so after that iv refused to really speak to people about it iv just left it for me and very close friends and family to worry about. Depression has been in my family for a while my dad has it my mum had it and im pretty sure my brother has it.

i left England and moved to finland 9 months ago i love it here i stopped my SSRI medication before i moved because i wanted to see if the clean get away was what i needed but the past few months the depression has come back like a Huge ******* training running over my life anxiety attacks at work bad cases of paranoia thinking people hate me or taking about me behind my back im scared il alienate the friends iv made here because iv become short tempered and very moody i dont like it..i started SSRIS again while iv been here they gave me dodgy side effects so had to stop it sweating excessively which is disgusting specially as i work ina kitchen. so i tried other things like st johns wort which made me a little weird and stuff didnt really work so iv gone back to a weaker ssri to see if it helps or something i know its trial and error  with antidepressants so il keep trying till i find the one that suits me. my mind is in such a ******* mess....it really is. im struggling to keep a grip of my emotions and stuff i dont know where my head is at most of the time. i dont wana hurt my self or anything i just dont wana hurt other people or push people away. the people who knwo about my problems are very supportive and loving and kind. and i really apprichate it. there amazing.. they wont see this blog as its for me an people who dont know me i dont want my friends to know most things as im sorta private (yea i know hundreds if not thousands can see this blog but you dont really know who i am).

to help try combat some of the depression im trying to take up different hobbies like photography and start playing sports again guna join a martial arts thing get into shape i put on 5 stone since the depression kicked in so im very low in confidence now a days as i use to play alot of sports and now i just play ps3 or sit at the bar. i work mainly nights which is probs not making things good for my self not seeing daylight and stuff sept its become summer and in finland theres like 18 hours of day light which slight darkness during night  its weird really...

i just want to be able to think and act for my self and not have this ****in demon sat on my back making me feel this bad all the time...i was happy once truely happy...now this is making my life so bad...so s*** that i just wana hide away play ps3 and not worry about the outside world...i know im not the only one and the greetings and messages i get from people on here is so lovely it made me feel normal when ya hear people going through the same thing.

i dunno what else to put....so tired and exhausted...

i keep thinking about a socrates quite "be as you wish to seem" i love that quote act happy and you will become happy really...but i struggle at it lol i always sink back into some stupid thought pattern or some stupid *** will comment and il take it wrong and in my mind they just completely insulted me and i go into some ******* stupid place where i shut down and dont communicate..

thansk for reading i dont know what to write

so everyone remember " BE AS YOU WISH TO SEEM"
its alot harder than some people think but in the end it will be worth it