Birthday Blessings Part Deux

Well, I'm going to TRY to unpack some of the uplifting things that have happened over the past couple of weeks. I've already told you the MOST uplifting event, which is the flight I shared with Jim, who was on his way to California to help his father cross over and be with his mother during that time, and also to bring his brother back with him for his final vacation before his brother enters hospice now that his time is near due to metastasized lung cancer.

I know it sounds so sad and tragic, but if you could have been there with this amazing man Jim, and talked with him about his abundant faith and belief, and prayed with him ... well ... it was such a gift. Probably the greatest gift I have ever received and accepted just as it was offered.

I was on my way to a progressive bloggers' convention in Rhode Island. Attending the convention was one of three touchstones I'd set for myself in 2012 to keep on living.

A confession: Pretty much all of 2011 was the sinkhole of a major depressive episode for me. I lost my health insurance and, thus, access to the 17 medical specialists who'd been caring for me since I was diagnosed with an inoperable tumor in the base of my skull, in conjunction with a congenital malformation of the base of the skull itself that created cerebral spinal pressure and crashed my immune system. The lowest point was when I had saved $50 in cash, which is what my primary care physician's billing office said they would charge me to see my PCP in an emergency ------- only to be turned away at the reception desk because they'd changed the fee to $90, and I didn't even have enough gas in the car to come back another day, much less find $40 more PLUS whatever would be needed for additional medication for that ailment.

That was an EXTREMELY low point for me, and I cannot bear to write out what happened over the following weeks. My health was at such a low point that I didn't even recognize how sick I was. My consciousness and cognitive functions were impaired; my daughter had a series of panic attacks because she was sure I was going to die; our community-beat police officer started checking in on me every few days -- and twice had to call an ambulance for me, because I wasn't coherent enough to know to get to a hospital myself. At one point, my former employer's pension director called for information about getting me early retirement due to disability, and we had two lengthy conversations, and she ended up calling the two people listed on my life-insurance beneficiary list to let them know how ill I was.

I went into 2012 with a crucial handful of New Year's resolutions:

• To adopt an adult cat and a kitten as a promise that I would hang in there to take responsibility for  other lives as well as my own.
• To attend the blogging convention in the summer.
• To attend the Democratic National Convention in September.
• To do as much as I possibly can through Election Day in November.
• To accept help, assistance, support, and care from friends and return the love they give to me.

In January and February, I adopted Pumpkin and Ingmar. Pumpkin was a feral tomcat around 4 years old who was rescued and domesticated. He won my heart when he reached out to love my 4-year-old grandson Hasan. When Pumpkin came home with us from the shelter, he followed Hasan everywhere and kept poking Hasan to play with him. And when Hasan took a nap, Pumpkin lay down right next to him and the two slept with their toes touching each others'. So freakin' cute!!  Two weeks later, after Pumpkin was acclimated, I adopted lil Ingmar, a wee wisp of a kitten who was rescued from the home of a cat hoarder who had more than 200 cats in her mobile home. Ingmar is a PERFECT addition to the household: he's soooooooo flippin' busy all the time, and he loves Pumpkin and he loves Wolfie and he loves Cecile (even though Cecile hates EVERYONE), and he just never gives up being loving. Ever.

I worked very hard to preserve my health so that I could be well enough by June to attend the blogging convention. It was really hard -- I'm not kidding. I had to make conscious promises every single day to hang in and not give up. There were many days I had to reach out to other people just to hold their hands for a little while to bridge me over. I frequently called the National Suicide Hotline just to talk through the panic attacks and fear. I joined a support group for women my age who had chronic health disorders and depression. I pushed to get targeted assistance so that I would get social services, food pantry access, counseling, antidepressants through the county and other medications through patient-assistance programs, and regular medical care.

And I made it!! I made it. It was a close call, but I was able to get on that plane last week and go to the convention. And it was worth every second of fight, I could FINALLY say that after so many, many months of fighting the depression day by day, hour by hour, sometimes minute by minute.

I came home from the convention on Monday, and it's taken me three days to answer 1/3 of the Happy Birthdays that people have posted on my Facebook page. I know that doesn't sound like a big deal, but for someone who spent a full year (maybe 18 months) pushing people away so that I could empty out my life and just let go of everything .... it's A Big Deal. I fully intend to answer every single one of those wishes for happiness individually, because every one of those people pushed through a series of virtual landmines of Go Aways to show me love and care.

And while at the convention, I was overwhelmed by the care and assistance and compassion and respect (YES!!! RESPECT!! for ME!! of all people!!) that came my way. The convention staff asked me to be part of the media tend for the Democratic National Convention -- and they meant it, too!! It wasn't just tossing me a bone. They actually believe in me, that there is something I can offer.

Remember when we were in junior high school and we did that little magic experiment where a person lay on the floor and then a group of us each put two fingers underneath their body and then we lifted that person up with just our fingertips?????  That is what 2012 has represented for me: the resilience of my community to stay around me when I tried to push them away, and then their faith and belief that they could lift me up and I would allow them to do so.

It's probably not the most appropriate metaphor. But the elements are all there: they did have to persist through my pushing them away, and I did have to allow them near me so that they could work their magic on me.

I am still facing a tough health situation. There is no way to deny that.

However:

• I was approved for SSDI after a two-year fight
• a former coworker nudged, renudged, and noodged the state pension office to help me apply for short-term and then longterm disability benefits and then early retirement due to disability (even during a time when I was so cognitively impaired that I could not remember lengthy telephone calls from the head of the retirement system)
• I was approved for Meals on Wheels to get me through the times when I am alone and unable to make sure that I eat and get enough hydration (and also should not be turning on the stove, because I can wander away and leave the burner on for hours)
• an agency provided six months' worth of vouchers for the handicapped bus service
• my cats are wonderful and I love them so much and they love and depend on me
• two of the amazing loan officers at my credit union have stepped in to help set up my financial matters so that all of my insurance, loans, credit, mortgage, etc., are all coordinated through one venue and can be vouchsafed even when I'm cognitively impaired
• my house has been completely renovated and made handicapped-accessible so that I can live here as long as possible
• my daughter took over 90% of my part-time job and forced me to cut back to 3-4 hours a week despite my stubborn insistence that I continue working 10-12 hours a week (what a knuckle-headed persistence I had! was I just crazy?) -- and she's done a far better job than I was able to do in my impaired state
• soooooooooooooo much more ... I can't even list all the good stuff

I am so glad that I've picked just a few things to focus on -- a few slalom flags to nail on my way down this mountain. Right now, at this moment, I feel confident that I'm on track for the first half of 2012 despite some close calls. And I feel confident that I can stay on track from now till September. After September, I will worry about hitting that November mark.