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Posted by
e1234
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19 April 2012
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Hey guys.
I've been meaning to write the last couple days...but I write a little then delete it.
Can't really find the words to say something that i've already said 1000 times.
Soo I've been on my medicine for about half a month now... I can tell a tiny difference ( or maybe that's just in my head) ..but I can tell i'm not as hopeless as I was a couple weeks ago. So hopefully when I get a full month in i'll be able to tell more of a difference.
My class got canceled so i'm home early at 10:00...the time I should be getting up to start the day. Getting up at 5:30 blows.
So this leaves me with nothing to do... whenever I'm driving home from school I just get this wave of saddness rushing over me. When I go home I know i'll have nothing to do and i'll be lonely. Just being around people helps me. But just going out somewhere with no goal just makes me feel like i'm desperate to be around people, and that just makes it worse.
Plain and simple I need more friends or something. Oh ya my so called have been coming out of the woodwork lately... one of them telling me about his problems...which is messed up. Why would we not talk for like a month or two and "just because their sad' they decide to talk to you..I hate that. Like I want my friends to talk to me because they want to ..not because their bored, sad,..whatever. Anywho I pretty much didn't give a s*** about his problems because he hasn't been here for mine. And my other friend texted me ..probably only because summer is approaching and she'll need someone to hang out with. It's funny how she always seems to be friendly around the times she has to come home from school. Oh ya and the guy i've been trying to become friends with at school is so difficult to talk to i've just given up. I'm always to one to start convos and stuff because he's so shy...oh well maybe i'm being a little too judgemental but d***. I don't wanna have to think of something random to say to keep the convo going. That's what I did today and made a fool of myself by just spouting out information that no one probably cared about. I'm not gonna try and break my back to be someones friend.
So it kinda makes me sad that I have every single class with my sister for summer and fall classes... I kinda feel guilty at times for feeling this way about my sister but...I want to have my own classes and have my own friends for once. I want to be independant. Speaking of the twin thing, I absolutely hate being compared to my sister. Do not go up to twins and point out every single detail of how they look a little different from one another. I just wanna say.." what if someone compared you to your brother/sister into detail and point out your flaws". So if we're in the same classes together, it's almost guaranteed that someone will be like "oh your twins, I thought so!" and then point out all the things that are different about us... Also when I have a class with my sister it feels like I lose my voice. Also instead of making friends i'll probably just be talking to her.And another thing that just makes my blood boil is when she talks for me...OMG. Do not ******* talk for me I can talk for myself.
Anywho...been thinkng about the past more lately..I guess because i'm at a place where I can handle dealing with a tiny bit more. I just can't seem to get over things..I'll sit and just dwell and rack my brain trying to remember every detail and tormenting myself with it. Also i've been dealing with my self esteem issues...I just always get the feeling that i'm not good enough. If this were a court room, there would be not a lot of evidence to say..no i'm not good enough.. but still. I just get so down on myself. I just don't have the confidence because when I was growing up I got picked on a lot. I never understood it. I'm not a confrontational person nor did I stick up for myself. I was an easy victim I guess. But the feeling of not being good enough as a child has transfered into my adult life. I have no reason to have low self esteem..I think i'm pretty and smart and stuff. But I just don't really really believe that. I just can't get over some of the stuff that happened..nor do I know why did it have to happen to me. I was just so stupid in the choices I made about things. If I could take it back 1000x I would I would I would. I didn't get treated very well in the beginning of my past relationship..and that was someone that I loved. Then toward the middle and end he started treating me better, but by that time it was probably too late. I just can't get over the fact that he didn't treat me like he loved me in the beginning...then that always leaves me with the feeling that i'm not good enough, when in reality it doesn't have anything to do with how "good" I was. Nothing that he did was a reflection of me..and that's what im trying to drill in my brain. I just can't understand how you can love a person and them not act like they feel the same way about you. But now that it's over he still is trying to get in contact with me like a year later...he's still facebooking my friends and stuff, just downright embarrassing me. Don't you dare try and act like you didn't care about me in the beginning and try to act like that now..it's like that song "just a little too late". It's kinda like a "that's tough" situation...I don't love him now, so I mean I don't really give a s*** how bad he feels and I don't in the least bit feel sorry for him. If anything, he's annoying me and boosting my ego. It just doesn't seem fair. I just don't understand why he would act like I wasn't important in the beg. Those are the kinds of things i can't get over today. I guess I just need to focus on.. it wasn't a reflection of me. Getting over the past is something i have a lot of trouble with. It sucks to see other people hurt the people that they love. I mean I cared about him a great deal and I just got treated like s***...but I was to stupid to end it at the time. When these memories come back, they hurt. I want to get to a point where they don't hurt anymore. It just hurt me to know that someone I loved probably didn't feel the same way about me at the time. But I can't say that I didn't treat him like s*** at the end either...because I did, and then did something i'm not too proud of. But I guess that's how I knew that i wan't myself. So was it revenge on my part..probably but I just can't believe i stooped to that level How stupid was i to not end it from the beginning..but I guess this all has to wrap up to involve my low self esteem and me being validated that "yes i am good enough".
But life moves on and so should I. I mean its really not about him, it's about me. I don't care about him anymore. I can't stand that he thinks he can just keep popping in my life. It's not fair that he's still bothering me a year later and embarrassing me by getting my friends involved. I would have helped me move on a lot faster if he would have just accepted that it was over and just went on with his life. I can't in the least bit say I feel sorry for him..because I don't. He ****ed up and I feel like he was the one who ruined our relationship...but who I'm I kidding, it was ruined from the beginning. I hate that im still talking about this ship pretty much a year later but...you know. It weird to think that a year has already when by. Everything just seems so blurry. When I look back to that time, it seems like a whole lifetime ago... I'm happy to say that I got out of that situation...even though i don't much like my situation now, Im glad im not in that one, which would be worse. I have a hard time connecting to that time to really deal with my feelings I guess..i try and block it out I guess.
It's almost 80 blogs that i've done..which is crazy. I first starting these back in december and even that seems like a lifetime ago. I can say that I have changed a little..maybe not as much as I wanted to, but nevertheless i've still changed. I'm not really sad about the relationship anymore, im more sad about things that have to do with me. So that is something that im proud of. A year...d*** time moves by so quickly... Also I can probably say im more mature...I think i've moved from the teenager transistion into a women to just becoming a women...I know i'm still a teenager, but I feel like all the stuff i've gone through has made me grow up. I stopped feeling like a child years ago. I remember that I was stuck in a spot where I would think back to how happy my childhood was and just compare my life now to that...I don't really do that anymore, but i guess that's a part of growing up. I look forward more now that I look backwards.
I just need to learn how to accept the past and just move on. I guess you only live once so there's no point in hanging on to the past and letting that hold you back. I'm a perfectionist so the fact that I feel like I made a mistake kills me...but there's nothing I can do about it now, and everyone makes mistakes..I guess Its how well you learn from those mistakes.
Ok I think that's it for. Sorry for all the mispellings/ grammer that was in this I just wanted to get this stuff outta my head. Byee
I've been meaning to write the last couple days...but I write a little then delete it.
Can't really find the words to say something that i've already said 1000 times.
Soo I've been on my medicine for about half a month now... I can tell a tiny difference ( or maybe that's just in my head) ..but I can tell i'm not as hopeless as I was a couple weeks ago. So hopefully when I get a full month in i'll be able to tell more of a difference.
My class got canceled so i'm home early at 10:00...the time I should be getting up to start the day. Getting up at 5:30 blows.
So this leaves me with nothing to do... whenever I'm driving home from school I just get this wave of saddness rushing over me. When I go home I know i'll have nothing to do and i'll be lonely. Just being around people helps me. But just going out somewhere with no goal just makes me feel like i'm desperate to be around people, and that just makes it worse.
Plain and simple I need more friends or something. Oh ya my so called have been coming out of the woodwork lately... one of them telling me about his problems...which is messed up. Why would we not talk for like a month or two and "just because their sad' they decide to talk to you..I hate that. Like I want my friends to talk to me because they want to ..not because their bored, sad,..whatever. Anywho I pretty much didn't give a s*** about his problems because he hasn't been here for mine. And my other friend texted me ..probably only because summer is approaching and she'll need someone to hang out with. It's funny how she always seems to be friendly around the times she has to come home from school. Oh ya and the guy i've been trying to become friends with at school is so difficult to talk to i've just given up. I'm always to one to start convos and stuff because he's so shy...oh well maybe i'm being a little too judgemental but d***. I don't wanna have to think of something random to say to keep the convo going. That's what I did today and made a fool of myself by just spouting out information that no one probably cared about. I'm not gonna try and break my back to be someones friend.
So it kinda makes me sad that I have every single class with my sister for summer and fall classes... I kinda feel guilty at times for feeling this way about my sister but...I want to have my own classes and have my own friends for once. I want to be independant. Speaking of the twin thing, I absolutely hate being compared to my sister. Do not go up to twins and point out every single detail of how they look a little different from one another. I just wanna say.." what if someone compared you to your brother/sister into detail and point out your flaws". So if we're in the same classes together, it's almost guaranteed that someone will be like "oh your twins, I thought so!" and then point out all the things that are different about us... Also when I have a class with my sister it feels like I lose my voice. Also instead of making friends i'll probably just be talking to her.And another thing that just makes my blood boil is when she talks for me...OMG. Do not ******* talk for me I can talk for myself.
Anywho...been thinkng about the past more lately..I guess because i'm at a place where I can handle dealing with a tiny bit more. I just can't seem to get over things..I'll sit and just dwell and rack my brain trying to remember every detail and tormenting myself with it. Also i've been dealing with my self esteem issues...I just always get the feeling that i'm not good enough. If this were a court room, there would be not a lot of evidence to say..no i'm not good enough.. but still. I just get so down on myself. I just don't have the confidence because when I was growing up I got picked on a lot. I never understood it. I'm not a confrontational person nor did I stick up for myself. I was an easy victim I guess. But the feeling of not being good enough as a child has transfered into my adult life. I have no reason to have low self esteem..I think i'm pretty and smart and stuff. But I just don't really really believe that. I just can't get over some of the stuff that happened..nor do I know why did it have to happen to me. I was just so stupid in the choices I made about things. If I could take it back 1000x I would I would I would. I didn't get treated very well in the beginning of my past relationship..and that was someone that I loved. Then toward the middle and end he started treating me better, but by that time it was probably too late. I just can't get over the fact that he didn't treat me like he loved me in the beginning...then that always leaves me with the feeling that i'm not good enough, when in reality it doesn't have anything to do with how "good" I was. Nothing that he did was a reflection of me..and that's what im trying to drill in my brain. I just can't understand how you can love a person and them not act like they feel the same way about you. But now that it's over he still is trying to get in contact with me like a year later...he's still facebooking my friends and stuff, just downright embarrassing me. Don't you dare try and act like you didn't care about me in the beginning and try to act like that now..it's like that song "just a little too late". It's kinda like a "that's tough" situation...I don't love him now, so I mean I don't really give a s*** how bad he feels and I don't in the least bit feel sorry for him. If anything, he's annoying me and boosting my ego. It just doesn't seem fair. I just don't understand why he would act like I wasn't important in the beg. Those are the kinds of things i can't get over today. I guess I just need to focus on.. it wasn't a reflection of me. Getting over the past is something i have a lot of trouble with. It sucks to see other people hurt the people that they love. I mean I cared about him a great deal and I just got treated like s***...but I was to stupid to end it at the time. When these memories come back, they hurt. I want to get to a point where they don't hurt anymore. It just hurt me to know that someone I loved probably didn't feel the same way about me at the time. But I can't say that I didn't treat him like s*** at the end either...because I did, and then did something i'm not too proud of. But I guess that's how I knew that i wan't myself. So was it revenge on my part..probably but I just can't believe i stooped to that level How stupid was i to not end it from the beginning..but I guess this all has to wrap up to involve my low self esteem and me being validated that "yes i am good enough".
But life moves on and so should I. I mean its really not about him, it's about me. I don't care about him anymore. I can't stand that he thinks he can just keep popping in my life. It's not fair that he's still bothering me a year later and embarrassing me by getting my friends involved. I would have helped me move on a lot faster if he would have just accepted that it was over and just went on with his life. I can't in the least bit say I feel sorry for him..because I don't. He ****ed up and I feel like he was the one who ruined our relationship...but who I'm I kidding, it was ruined from the beginning. I hate that im still talking about this ship pretty much a year later but...you know. It weird to think that a year has already when by. Everything just seems so blurry. When I look back to that time, it seems like a whole lifetime ago... I'm happy to say that I got out of that situation...even though i don't much like my situation now, Im glad im not in that one, which would be worse. I have a hard time connecting to that time to really deal with my feelings I guess..i try and block it out I guess.
It's almost 80 blogs that i've done..which is crazy. I first starting these back in december and even that seems like a lifetime ago. I can say that I have changed a little..maybe not as much as I wanted to, but nevertheless i've still changed. I'm not really sad about the relationship anymore, im more sad about things that have to do with me. So that is something that im proud of. A year...d*** time moves by so quickly... Also I can probably say im more mature...I think i've moved from the teenager transistion into a women to just becoming a women...I know i'm still a teenager, but I feel like all the stuff i've gone through has made me grow up. I stopped feeling like a child years ago. I remember that I was stuck in a spot where I would think back to how happy my childhood was and just compare my life now to that...I don't really do that anymore, but i guess that's a part of growing up. I look forward more now that I look backwards.
I just need to learn how to accept the past and just move on. I guess you only live once so there's no point in hanging on to the past and letting that hold you back. I'm a perfectionist so the fact that I feel like I made a mistake kills me...but there's nothing I can do about it now, and everyone makes mistakes..I guess Its how well you learn from those mistakes.
Ok I think that's it for. Sorry for all the mispellings/ grammer that was in this I just wanted to get this stuff outta my head. Byee
