Create a custom theme
0
Pleasure...where Art Thou?
Posted by
LonelyHiker
,
22 April 2012
·
167 views
A grey, gloomy, rainy day here in Virginia. The perfect background ambience for my thoughts of late.
I've suffered from dysthymia for nearly thirty years now, peppered with a least three or four (maybe more, my memory isn't what it used to be) episodes of major depression. Now I think I can add Anhedonia to the mix. Nothing really gives me pleasure anymore. I'm not even really excited about the play I was cast in recently. My son is probably the only bright spot in my life right now, and even when I have him, it's hard to keep the sadness and empty feeling from creeping in. I'm really concerned that my depression is starting to seriously impact my relationship with him.
I am maxed out on the Cymbalta at 120mg daily. I actually feel like things have gotten progressively worse as the dosage has gone up. I guess I can try something else if this doesn't prove to be effective. I know there are a lot of medicines I haven't used yet. Still frustrating, though.
I have been going out on occasion with a group of divorced/separated people that I found on meetup.com. It's been good to get out of the house and socialize a little. Still, it feels a bit forced and awkward at times. Maybe it's just me, I dunno. There IS one woman with whom I feel a strong connection. She wants to get together outside of the group, and I am not necessarily against this, because I desperately want to make some friends in this town outside of work. I just don't want my loneliness to steer me unconsciously towards trying to develop this into something more than a friendship. Although I suppose "dating" doesn't have to imply "serious relationship". I don't know. Part of me is terrified to become even remotely close to another woman again, even "casual friend" close. I'm terrified of my anger an depression driving them away, and terrified of being abandoned again. I don't even know if I'll ever get over the current breakup, completely, anyway. The thought of it happening again? It's like one of those ultra-complex formulas that Russell Crowe, playing mathematician John Nash, etches onto his dorm window in A Beautiful Mind - I can't even begin to wrap my mind around it.
Maybe there is some good to be had in my current emotionally numb state, in that, while I can't really derive any pleasure from anything at the moment, I also don't seem to be experiencing much emotional pain, either. I just feel...nothing.
Better a painless "nothing" than an agonizing "something".
I've suffered from dysthymia for nearly thirty years now, peppered with a least three or four (maybe more, my memory isn't what it used to be) episodes of major depression. Now I think I can add Anhedonia to the mix. Nothing really gives me pleasure anymore. I'm not even really excited about the play I was cast in recently. My son is probably the only bright spot in my life right now, and even when I have him, it's hard to keep the sadness and empty feeling from creeping in. I'm really concerned that my depression is starting to seriously impact my relationship with him.
I am maxed out on the Cymbalta at 120mg daily. I actually feel like things have gotten progressively worse as the dosage has gone up. I guess I can try something else if this doesn't prove to be effective. I know there are a lot of medicines I haven't used yet. Still frustrating, though.
I have been going out on occasion with a group of divorced/separated people that I found on meetup.com. It's been good to get out of the house and socialize a little. Still, it feels a bit forced and awkward at times. Maybe it's just me, I dunno. There IS one woman with whom I feel a strong connection. She wants to get together outside of the group, and I am not necessarily against this, because I desperately want to make some friends in this town outside of work. I just don't want my loneliness to steer me unconsciously towards trying to develop this into something more than a friendship. Although I suppose "dating" doesn't have to imply "serious relationship". I don't know. Part of me is terrified to become even remotely close to another woman again, even "casual friend" close. I'm terrified of my anger an depression driving them away, and terrified of being abandoned again. I don't even know if I'll ever get over the current breakup, completely, anyway. The thought of it happening again? It's like one of those ultra-complex formulas that Russell Crowe, playing mathematician John Nash, etches onto his dorm window in A Beautiful Mind - I can't even begin to wrap my mind around it.
Maybe there is some good to be had in my current emotionally numb state, in that, while I can't really derive any pleasure from anything at the moment, I also don't seem to be experiencing much emotional pain, either. I just feel...nothing.
Better a painless "nothing" than an agonizing "something".
What you describe is numbness, at least in part. I´ve been there and it happens soon after a break-up. I think you´re not over your divorce yet and you probably need more time to heal. But you will heal. Time will work it´s magic and one day you will wake up with a different feeling, a better feeling about yourself.
I know the feeling about not being excited about breaks in career or even being with the children. I think it´s the numbness or dysthymia ( I had it once for 2 years, but it went away). It makes everything dull and gray. I´m certain that when you start rehearsing for the play, you will start to find yourself. There are so many great quotes in Shakespeare´s play to choose from. Let the art be your guiding point and don´t worry if things are gray right now.
This will get better.
Violet