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What I Write On The Internet When I Should Be Studying Instead
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seasons
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14 April 2012
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After almost 2 weeks off from work (my part time job only has me in on weekends, and with the holiday off, it means I haven't been in for quite a while) I'm back in for my shift again tonight. Not looking forward to it at all. I have more important things I need to get done instead! The semester is almost over and all my professors are doubling-down on work to make sure we get through everything covered on the syllabus. This means I have a test on Monday and a lengthy paper that I should have completed on Monday as well (if I want to hand it in to the writing center for review in time to revise it and submit the completed thing in by Thursday), and other lab reports et al in between. Oh well.
Not feeling very good these days. I'm struggling in school, which is constantly up and down and very... not really "emotional," but just draining. I find it very hard to study for more than 15 or 20 minutes at a time. I easily get distracted and caught up in my own thoughts, and I give in too easily to aches and pains and bouts of drowsiness that I don't know how to fight through.
I really, really need to find something to get excited about, or something to look forward to, but try as I might there's really nothing on the horizon these days and I don't know how to make anything happen for myself. I feel very alone when I'm at school. I'm so much older than everyone else in my classes, even though I don't look it at all, so on the few occassions when I have an opportunity to joke around with or talk to people, I get this fleeting sense of nostalgia for what it used to be like to be this relaxed and open with people, followed by a mental reflex of sorts that tells me that I shouldn't be doing this. After all, if they knew how old I was, they'd probably freak out and wouldn't look at me the same again. I've had it happen to me too many times before and the feelings of self-consciousness and shame that followed were really painful. So I'm always on the defensive to keep it from happening again.
I don't know why I keep pursuing my hobbies. I have my blog (not this one, but another out there with Wordpress) that I keep trying to maintain, but it takes me days, if not weeks to compose a simple entry, and they're rarely long enough to justify such time spent on them. Besides, hardly anyone reads it anyway, but that doesn't stop me from always thinking that if I only try a little harder and put even more time into it, then maybe I might get an actual following, and a few readers that might be interested in me beyond theday to day week to week entries. So I occasionally try but the extra time comes at the expense of my real responsibilies these days (mainly school), and in the end it's all good for nothing. I'm also obsessed with creating my dumb videos (AMVs, if you must know), which no one watches or cares about. Again, I think of it as a hobby that might help me get to know people -- online, IRL, it doesn't matter to me anymore at this point -- that I might have something in common with. But despite the fact that I've been working at it for a few years now, and trying to be social with others online that are into it, I still can't figure out how to either improve my work or how to at least make a few friends/"friends" at it. I don't know. Sometimes I wish I wasn't interested in any of this stuff at all. It's been nothing but a time-suck, a series of disappointments and a hobby that's caused me to see myself as a "nerd" and thus, ostracize myself from the rest of the world.
I don't have much energy these days. All I want to do anymore is lay in bed and sleep. Actually, that's not true. I'd like to go out to online meetups (can't because of work, can never get the time off), go to a concert again (nothing at all coming to town I want to see except for expensive festivals or shows that sell out within minutes), start playing music again (er, I guess I never actually "started" but I used to practice guitar, at least; I'm too disappointed in my lack of skills to play for more than a few minutes at a time these days), etc. I have lots of interests. I care about things. But I feel like there's me, and then there's the outside world where all of these things are happening, and there's nothing but barriers keeping me from engaging with it. Social barriers, financial barriers, and then the depression and negative thoughts that lead me into endless rumination and withdrawl from it all.
You and I... I think we might have quite a bit in common and a few things to talk about. But I've tried to reach out to a few people here and they just disappear or eventually make it known that they don't want me or my help, so I'm a little weary of trying to connect with anyone here anymore (let alone try to engage in this site as a "community," which I'm not going to badmouth because it does work as a support group for a good number of folks). I used to think that someday I'd find that place that I'd belong, a nice cluster of friends that I'd feel at home with and get to be myself around. I used to think that would happen after high school. Then after college. Then in the years that followed, as I began to understand myself more, who I was and what I truly wanted out of life. This "place" could be real. Or it could be online. But I'm past 30 now and think I see it for what it is, just a nice ideal that doesn't actually exist in the world. I was pretty naive and for that I'm paying the price. I'm smarter now and would make different choices if I could, but wouldn't we all?
My medications don't help my mood or give me any sense of motivation or energy. At least I don't feel like they do. But, they absolutely destroy me if I forget to take them, giving me what I can only imagine are borderline panic attacks, increased thoughts of self-harm (gotta be careful to dodge the word filter here, you know what I'm talking about), and positively debilitating physical side effects (dizziness, headaches, physical tension all over). Three years ago, I went into counseling but swore I wouldn't let them talk me into meds. I wasn't eager to relive the awful experience I had with them when I was 20. But here I am, and it's all going down just as I feared. I pay almost half my monthly income for these and the health insurance that gives me a tiny discount on them, and they essentially do nothing but hold my mind and body hostage for a monthly ransom payment. I can't communicate with my psychiatrist about this. She disarms me with kindness every time we meet and they way she talks and steers our meetings keeps her in control the whole time, and I always leave without having brought up any of my concerns. Maybe I do this on purpose; the last thing I really want to do is start over with an all-new set of meds. In the short term, switching medications has always been difficult for me. I'm not eager to go through it again any time soon, even if it could mean something very good for myself in the long-term.
I don't want to be such a downer. You've read this far and you were probably hoping for something positive that would give you hope, or at least something you could relate to that would give you an "in" so you could leave a helpful or polite comment. You're probably not sure what to do or say now but that's okay. I don't really know exactly what it is that I want to read or hear from anyone so you're not disappointing me or putting me in danger by not saying anything. Maybe I just needed to let off some steam this morning. I don't know. Hopefully I'll be in a better place later today, or at least by this time next week when a few of my more pressing obligations are wrapped up and I can begin to focus on the upcoming final exams. As for you, I honestly hope you have a good day today. Take good care of yourself and give yourself a break today. That's important. Okay?
Not feeling very good these days. I'm struggling in school, which is constantly up and down and very... not really "emotional," but just draining. I find it very hard to study for more than 15 or 20 minutes at a time. I easily get distracted and caught up in my own thoughts, and I give in too easily to aches and pains and bouts of drowsiness that I don't know how to fight through.
I really, really need to find something to get excited about, or something to look forward to, but try as I might there's really nothing on the horizon these days and I don't know how to make anything happen for myself. I feel very alone when I'm at school. I'm so much older than everyone else in my classes, even though I don't look it at all, so on the few occassions when I have an opportunity to joke around with or talk to people, I get this fleeting sense of nostalgia for what it used to be like to be this relaxed and open with people, followed by a mental reflex of sorts that tells me that I shouldn't be doing this. After all, if they knew how old I was, they'd probably freak out and wouldn't look at me the same again. I've had it happen to me too many times before and the feelings of self-consciousness and shame that followed were really painful. So I'm always on the defensive to keep it from happening again.
I don't know why I keep pursuing my hobbies. I have my blog (not this one, but another out there with Wordpress) that I keep trying to maintain, but it takes me days, if not weeks to compose a simple entry, and they're rarely long enough to justify such time spent on them. Besides, hardly anyone reads it anyway, but that doesn't stop me from always thinking that if I only try a little harder and put even more time into it, then maybe I might get an actual following, and a few readers that might be interested in me beyond the
I don't have much energy these days. All I want to do anymore is lay in bed and sleep. Actually, that's not true. I'd like to go out to online meetups (can't because of work, can never get the time off), go to a concert again (nothing at all coming to town I want to see except for expensive festivals or shows that sell out within minutes), start playing music again (er, I guess I never actually "started" but I used to practice guitar, at least; I'm too disappointed in my lack of skills to play for more than a few minutes at a time these days), etc. I have lots of interests. I care about things. But I feel like there's me, and then there's the outside world where all of these things are happening, and there's nothing but barriers keeping me from engaging with it. Social barriers, financial barriers, and then the depression and negative thoughts that lead me into endless rumination and withdrawl from it all.
You and I... I think we might have quite a bit in common and a few things to talk about. But I've tried to reach out to a few people here and they just disappear or eventually make it known that they don't want me or my help, so I'm a little weary of trying to connect with anyone here anymore (let alone try to engage in this site as a "community," which I'm not going to badmouth because it does work as a support group for a good number of folks). I used to think that someday I'd find that place that I'd belong, a nice cluster of friends that I'd feel at home with and get to be myself around. I used to think that would happen after high school. Then after college. Then in the years that followed, as I began to understand myself more, who I was and what I truly wanted out of life. This "place" could be real. Or it could be online. But I'm past 30 now and think I see it for what it is, just a nice ideal that doesn't actually exist in the world. I was pretty naive and for that I'm paying the price. I'm smarter now and would make different choices if I could, but wouldn't we all?
My medications don't help my mood or give me any sense of motivation or energy. At least I don't feel like they do. But, they absolutely destroy me if I forget to take them, giving me what I can only imagine are borderline panic attacks, increased thoughts of self-harm (gotta be careful to dodge the word filter here, you know what I'm talking about), and positively debilitating physical side effects (dizziness, headaches, physical tension all over). Three years ago, I went into counseling but swore I wouldn't let them talk me into meds. I wasn't eager to relive the awful experience I had with them when I was 20. But here I am, and it's all going down just as I feared. I pay almost half my monthly income for these and the health insurance that gives me a tiny discount on them, and they essentially do nothing but hold my mind and body hostage for a monthly ransom payment. I can't communicate with my psychiatrist about this. She disarms me with kindness every time we meet and they way she talks and steers our meetings keeps her in control the whole time, and I always leave without having brought up any of my concerns. Maybe I do this on purpose; the last thing I really want to do is start over with an all-new set of meds. In the short term, switching medications has always been difficult for me. I'm not eager to go through it again any time soon, even if it could mean something very good for myself in the long-term.
I don't want to be such a downer. You've read this far and you were probably hoping for something positive that would give you hope, or at least something you could relate to that would give you an "in" so you could leave a helpful or polite comment. You're probably not sure what to do or say now but that's okay. I don't really know exactly what it is that I want to read or hear from anyone so you're not disappointing me or putting me in danger by not saying anything. Maybe I just needed to let off some steam this morning. I don't know. Hopefully I'll be in a better place later today, or at least by this time next week when a few of my more pressing obligations are wrapped up and I can begin to focus on the upcoming final exams. As for you, I honestly hope you have a good day today. Take good care of yourself and give yourself a break today. That's important. Okay?
- LonelyHiker likes this
