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Suicide, Frodo, And The Nazgūl Of Depression
Posted by
gemstar
,
20 August 2011
·
23 views
Suicide Depression Anxiety Celexa Hope
It has been a hard week for me. In coming off the Celexa, I have dipped back into the depression and anxiety again. While I am not suicidal, I am feeling the same way as I did when I was suicidal. The difference is, I do have people to talk to this time who understand where I am at and how difficult this is for me, I am getting professional care (when they are available), and my friends are really sweet and supportive of me (when I reach out to them).
When I am down like this I realize how isolated I am from the people I love the most. My mother and sister live far away from me, my best friend is very busy in her life, my other two best friends moved a great distance from me, and the friends I have in my city are very busy, too busy to talk to me. My father does live here, but he is also extremely busy. It seems, everyone is busy living their life. And, to be honest, I don't want to bring them down or worry them with my depression and anxiety. I find the only people I can talk to about my inner turmoil outside of my pyschiatrist are other people going through the same exact thing at the moment. I've met some people online through the Depression Forum who are going through the same thing.
All of us depressed people at the forum, we cling to one another for support and help, because most people in our lives, while they care, cannot handle the depth of our despair, the frustration of our constant battle, and seeing us suffer. So, we've all learned to hide it in one way or another from those around us, and some of us can even put on a pretty good smiling mask when needed. It amazes me how many depressed people are in this world, and what a terribly life threatening illness it is. So many have reached a point where everything is hopeless, they do not want to live feeling that way any more. Some talk about taking the next step, talk about suicide. That is very frightening for anyone to hear, and for the person who is thinking it. Unless you have been there, you would not understand the emotion of that moment.
The best analogy that comes to my mind is the analogy of Frodo and the Ringwraiths from the Lord of the Rings by Tolkein. After Frodo gets stabbed by the evil Nazgūl sword, when the ringwraiths (Nazgūl) are near, Frodo has an almost irrisistable urge to join them. He reaches out for them. It's a sick longing he feels, and yet he does not really want to join them. In reality he wants to fight them! But under the poison of the Nazgūl and the One Ring, he wants to die, be dead, like them. It's only when he is somewhat healed at Rivendale that he is able to see clearly again for the time being.
The feeling of suicide is like the feeling Frodo had in the story where he wants to join the Nazgūl. Of course, Frodo's friends don't want that and fight to save his life. The poison of the blade is like depression. The irrisistable urge that utter despair brings to end all good things for yourself by suicide is the same as his urge. Those of us who fight this urge find a kinship in Frodo's journey to destroy the One Ring. And we all need a friend like Sam to see us through. It's when those Sam's are missing that we have the most trouble. That is the sadness of depression, the isolation we feel that is not our fault.
We push other's away and want to deal with things on our own, but the truth is that we need others. We need our Sam.
Depression is an emotional journey into the depths of the greatest darkness you can ever know. For those who've not been struck by it, it is easy to judge. "Just smile," I'm told. "Just walk." "Just go outside." "Just stop thinking that way." "Just be grateful for all the good you have in your life." "Don't complain." "Don't whine." "Don't isolate yourself."
Just, just, just.
Of course, this makes me want to pull out my hair. Of course I am trying. Of course I am because I am waking up and actually getting out of bed. That is progress. I can shower at least 3x a week. That, for me, is progress. I can laugh sometimes. That is progress. I am trying very hard. I can't cook for myself, but I am able to put together a sandwich. That's progress. People don't understand what it's like. We depressed feel weak as it is inside, we chastise ourselves for not being able to be 'like everbody else'. If it were so simple as to just smile and have every bad thing go away. If it were so simple that one walk would make the difference. We may be able to see all the good in our life, but we are unable to feel gratitude for it. That makes us feel even worse about ourselves. We look at ourselves and see only a failing person. We have trouble seeing ahead.
I have a very depressed friend who is going through his first depression. I've had many, this being the worst I've ever been through, as I have been going through it up and down for 5 years now. He always asks me how I can cope, how I can go through each day struggling? He is amazed by my resilience in the face of this awful illness. I'm only resilient because I have been through it before, because I've learned what to expect and how it will progress. I wish I had someone like me to talk to the first time. I wish I had a place like the Depression Forums to go to for help and advice.
I tell my friend that I refuse to not go through each day, even if that means I am only able to lay on my couch and eat crackers from dawn till dusk. I will live it. I refuse to die. I told him that I've learned not to chastise myself for being weak, as the weakness is not my fault. It's the depression, and I am trying to get better, I am recieving medical care (as sporadically available as my doctors are). I told him that I've learned just to live, even if that means simply breathing, just existing and breathing, through the worst of it. I've learned not to tell myself I am bad, that I'm useless. I don't tell myself those things anymore. If the words come up in my mind, I ignore them, change them, argue with them. I refuse to give up.
And so, I refuse to give up. I will keep fighting this ugly depression, this anxiety, this insanity.
Until next time,
gem
When I am down like this I realize how isolated I am from the people I love the most. My mother and sister live far away from me, my best friend is very busy in her life, my other two best friends moved a great distance from me, and the friends I have in my city are very busy, too busy to talk to me. My father does live here, but he is also extremely busy. It seems, everyone is busy living their life. And, to be honest, I don't want to bring them down or worry them with my depression and anxiety. I find the only people I can talk to about my inner turmoil outside of my pyschiatrist are other people going through the same exact thing at the moment. I've met some people online through the Depression Forum who are going through the same thing.
All of us depressed people at the forum, we cling to one another for support and help, because most people in our lives, while they care, cannot handle the depth of our despair, the frustration of our constant battle, and seeing us suffer. So, we've all learned to hide it in one way or another from those around us, and some of us can even put on a pretty good smiling mask when needed. It amazes me how many depressed people are in this world, and what a terribly life threatening illness it is. So many have reached a point where everything is hopeless, they do not want to live feeling that way any more. Some talk about taking the next step, talk about suicide. That is very frightening for anyone to hear, and for the person who is thinking it. Unless you have been there, you would not understand the emotion of that moment.
The best analogy that comes to my mind is the analogy of Frodo and the Ringwraiths from the Lord of the Rings by Tolkein. After Frodo gets stabbed by the evil Nazgūl sword, when the ringwraiths (Nazgūl) are near, Frodo has an almost irrisistable urge to join them. He reaches out for them. It's a sick longing he feels, and yet he does not really want to join them. In reality he wants to fight them! But under the poison of the Nazgūl and the One Ring, he wants to die, be dead, like them. It's only when he is somewhat healed at Rivendale that he is able to see clearly again for the time being.
The feeling of suicide is like the feeling Frodo had in the story where he wants to join the Nazgūl. Of course, Frodo's friends don't want that and fight to save his life. The poison of the blade is like depression. The irrisistable urge that utter despair brings to end all good things for yourself by suicide is the same as his urge. Those of us who fight this urge find a kinship in Frodo's journey to destroy the One Ring. And we all need a friend like Sam to see us through. It's when those Sam's are missing that we have the most trouble. That is the sadness of depression, the isolation we feel that is not our fault.
We push other's away and want to deal with things on our own, but the truth is that we need others. We need our Sam.
Depression is an emotional journey into the depths of the greatest darkness you can ever know. For those who've not been struck by it, it is easy to judge. "Just smile," I'm told. "Just walk." "Just go outside." "Just stop thinking that way." "Just be grateful for all the good you have in your life." "Don't complain." "Don't whine." "Don't isolate yourself."
Just, just, just.
Of course, this makes me want to pull out my hair. Of course I am trying. Of course I am because I am waking up and actually getting out of bed. That is progress. I can shower at least 3x a week. That, for me, is progress. I can laugh sometimes. That is progress. I am trying very hard. I can't cook for myself, but I am able to put together a sandwich. That's progress. People don't understand what it's like. We depressed feel weak as it is inside, we chastise ourselves for not being able to be 'like everbody else'. If it were so simple as to just smile and have every bad thing go away. If it were so simple that one walk would make the difference. We may be able to see all the good in our life, but we are unable to feel gratitude for it. That makes us feel even worse about ourselves. We look at ourselves and see only a failing person. We have trouble seeing ahead.
I have a very depressed friend who is going through his first depression. I've had many, this being the worst I've ever been through, as I have been going through it up and down for 5 years now. He always asks me how I can cope, how I can go through each day struggling? He is amazed by my resilience in the face of this awful illness. I'm only resilient because I have been through it before, because I've learned what to expect and how it will progress. I wish I had someone like me to talk to the first time. I wish I had a place like the Depression Forums to go to for help and advice.
I tell my friend that I refuse to not go through each day, even if that means I am only able to lay on my couch and eat crackers from dawn till dusk. I will live it. I refuse to die. I told him that I've learned not to chastise myself for being weak, as the weakness is not my fault. It's the depression, and I am trying to get better, I am recieving medical care (as sporadically available as my doctors are). I told him that I've learned just to live, even if that means simply breathing, just existing and breathing, through the worst of it. I've learned not to tell myself I am bad, that I'm useless. I don't tell myself those things anymore. If the words come up in my mind, I ignore them, change them, argue with them. I refuse to give up.
And so, I refuse to give up. I will keep fighting this ugly depression, this anxiety, this insanity.
Until next time,
gem
