Standstill

i was sitting out in my backyard alone the other day, just sitting and day dreaming and realized how many years have gone by since i was happy and looked forward to each day. 3 to be exact. i feel ive come a long way personally this past year, but despite my efforts my life situation around me has not changed one bit. it hasnt gotten worse but its definately not changed either.

I was going to have a bbq for the 4th of july, but decided against it. I tried last year and invited my office and aquaintances but no one came but my parents. quite embaressing, and the more they asked questions why, the worse i felt. so this year im just going to hangout alone, just like everyother day. i often feel like when i make an effort, I end up hurting myself further.

im sure there were many people who lived their life alone, with no friends, no social life, no one to even talk to, and made out ok, right? "good morning" "how are you" "whats up" is all just overrated. theres nothing wrong with living in solitude, right? so what if the only one you talk to is yourself. its not like i never got to experience friendship and compassion. it sucks knowing what im missing out on though.

i miss talking to others, not that i dont try, i attempt it every day, I make sure to ask questions to spark conversation but one word answers still go on. its been 2 years, so its fine now it doesnt hurt AS BAD as it used to. but i am still human, it still does hurt, but i continue to try everyday. I look at it in two ways, perhaps eventually they will come around or eventually i will have produced feelings of steel.