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You agree, through your use of this service, not to impersonate any other person or entity, whether actual or fictitious. That means No "Dr." in your member name, or do you agree not to have more than one member account. Multiple accounts on Depression forums are not permitted. Any member found to have more than one account will be suspended. Suspended members found creating additional accounts will be banned.


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About Links on Depression Forums : Inappropriate Content explained
This will always be first and foremost as we are a self help peer to peer support community.

That being said, it means if your message, post or PM, isn't about offering support to members or asking for support, it is not appropriate for DF and prohibited from our community.

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2) Advertisements of your website, a new resource, etc is also prohibited
3) Solicitation of another online community is restricted and will remove you from this community
4) You may not post any links until you have five quality supportive posts or more that contain
content pertaining to your depression or mental health.

Exceptions are links to other websites which may apply, especially if relevant to mental health/illness and depression.
Links in profiles are fine. Link to almost anything that you want to use in your profile page, as long as it doesn't violate any of our sexual, illegal activities, or profanity Guidelines.

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We do not want to see people abusing this by saying, "Hey, I just updated my site" and posting about it every week. That is not useful by any means.

When you do post a link:

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We do appreciate Reciprocal links, contact Forum Admin for more information.

Many people here have Blogs, even online journals, so it would be a great resource, providing you're not spamming it and mentioning it everywhere.
 

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I was going to write this post as a journal entry to myself as I'm feeling very low and panicky at the moment. However on the off-chance that it might be of benefit to some of the good, nay great, folks on DF I thought I might as well post it here.

I read a lot of the posts on this forum and one very common feature of what people are going through is the fear and panic they feel at what is happening to them. Browse through the posts and you will see a lot of, 'I don't know what's happening', 'Something is not right', 'I'm losing my mind', etc. I've made similar statements in some of my previous posts on this very forum in the past.

Even though I've suffered from depression for more than 10 years I am still freaking out at how bad I'm feeling right now. Surely by now I should be an expert at managing this? I have had enough experience after all.

So, this is what I'm trying to tell myself (and for what it's worth I know this to be totally true, it's just that depression sometimes casts a dark fog over our thinking):

For all the terrible symptoms it produces we are all suffering from the SAME basic condition. Of course depression and anxiety affect us uniquely, such is the nature of a disease of the most amazing and complex system known to man, the human brain. However, even though we probably all feel like we are going through something totally personal to us, and I don't deny that in a sense we are, essentially we're all suffering from the same underlying illness, caused by abnormal changes in our brain neurochemistry.

The reason none of us can just 'snap out' of depression is that it's an absolutely real illness. Stop thinking of the symptoms you are experiencing as being a manifest reflection of something that is deeply wrong with you. You're just ill. In the future they will be able to precisely elucidate the neurochemical changes that are going on within the brain. For now, they have kind of a rough idea of what's going on but not much more than that.

Some days I wake up and can hardly get out of bed. I mean that quite literally. I feel numb to everything, no energy, utter hopelessness for the future and no interest in anybody or anything. Then a day later I can wake up and feel totally normal. Nothing in my life circumstances has changed from the bad day to the good day, it just so happens that for some reason that is inexplicable to me on the first day my neurochemistry is screwed up and on the second day it is within normal ranges.

So whatever weird, horrifying, disturbing symptoms you are suffering from please try to remember that you're just ill. If it was an illness of the body you would feel pain or you would have difficulty walking or impaired vision. However, because illnesses like diabetes, arthritis, etc affect organs other than the brain the symptoms they produce, while they can of course be very serious, are still more uniform and less confounding than an illness which affects the brain, an organ many many times more complex than anything else in these bodies of ours.

If you feel totally down or anxious when reading this then just accept that there is little that you can do about the way you feel right now to feel instantly better, although of course things like exercise and certain fast acting medications can help greatly. But also know that your brain chemistry is in flux and you are not going to carry on feeling like this forever. There's no point trying to analyse the way you feel or trying to think the way out of your depression, anymore than it would make sense to try and think your way out of diabetes. The depression or anxiety is there, it is making you feel so bad and when it goes you will feel better. I realise that we might all have developed depression for different reasons but I doubt there is one person on this forum that can say that his or her life circumstances are absolutely unique and that the life he or she has gone through is worse than that experienced by many of the millions of people who go through terrible things but don't ever develop depression.

Accept that the depression or anxiety is there for now, stop thinking about it and learn to function as best you can even with the worst depression or anxiety that you have ever felt. And take hope in the knowledge that this will get better.

Many posters are also blaming themselves for something that is not in the least their fault and saying things like 'I feel like a loser', 'I don't feel worthy', etc, etc. I say to you 'Nonsense!!!' You are just ill. In fact you are more worthy than most because you're dealing with a horrible illness and still managing to keep going. Most of you deserve medals, I tell you that. You're soldiers. Yet because our society is so nasty and backwards, we are still expected to function as well as people who don't have depression at all. When I think about how I am, I mean how functional I am on a good day as compared to a bad day, the gulf between the two is massive. The bad day Bud cannot possibly hope to compete with the good day Bud. It's like trying to be in a fight with someone with one hand tied behind your back. So be realistic and don't be too hard on yourselves. When you're down then do what you can but don't expect too much. Be gentle. As for what everyone in your company or your social circle thinks, to hell with them. They're not experiencing this and you are. Human beings like to go around feeling superior to others and judgmental, especially in modern workplaces. Their lack of sympathy, empathy or understanding is a sad reflection on them, not on you. I tell you you are all wonderful people and it pains me to see you suffer. Well maybe right at the moment you can't help the suffering but you can avoid compounding it.

Let's support each other through this and take the view that we are in it together. Know that if you post here you'll get a reply, so however incapable of understanding people in your lives might be, you'll always have this forum to come to. I don't know about you but I at least find great solace in that.

Thanks for listening.

B

'budfox', on 03 Jul 2010 - 23:03, said:

I was going to write this post as a journal entry to myself as I'm
feeling very low and panicky at the moment. However on the off-chance
that it might be of benefit to some of the good, nay great, folks on DF I
thought I might as well post it here.

I read a lot of the posts
on this forum and one very common feature of what people are going
through is the fear and panic they feel at what is happening to them.
Browse through the posts and you will see a lot of, 'I don't know what's
happening', 'Something is not right', 'I'm losing my mind', etc. I've
made similar statements in some of my previous posts on this very forum
in the past.

Even though I've suffered from depression for more
than 10 years I am still freaking out at how bad I'm feeling right now.
Surely by now I should be an expert at managing this? I have had enough
experience after all.

So, this is what I'm trying to tell myself
(and for what it's worth I know this to be totally true, it's just that
depression sometimes casts a dark fog over our thinking):

For all
the terrible symptoms it produces we are all suffering from the SAME
basic condition. Of course depression and anxiety affect us uniquely,
such is the nature of a disease of the most amazing and complex system
known to man, the human brain. However, even though we probably all feel
like we are going through something totally personal to us, and I don't
deny that in a sense we are, essentially we're all suffering from the
same underlying illness, caused by abnormal changes in our brain
neurochemistry.

The reason none of us can just 'snap out' of
depression is that it's an absolutely real illness. Stop thinking of the
symptoms you are experiencing as being a manifest reflection of
something that is deeply wrong with you. You're just ill. In the future
they will be able to precisely elucidate the neurochemical changes that
are going on within the brain. For now, they have kind of a rough idea
of what's going on but not much more than that.

Some days I wake
up and can hardly get out of bed. I mean that quite literally. I feel
numb to everything, no energy, utter hopelessness for the future and no
interest in anybody or anything. Then a day later I can wake up and feel
totally normal. Nothing in my life circumstances has changed from the
bad day to the good day, it just so happens that for some reason that is
inexplicable to me on the first day my neurochemistry is screwed up and
on the second day it is within normal ranges.

So whatever weird,
horrifying, disturbing symptoms you are suffering from please try to
remember that you're just ill. If it was an illness of the body you
would feel pain or you would have difficulty walking or impaired vision.
However, because illnesses like diabetes, arthritis, etc affect organs
other than the brain the symptoms they produce, while they can of course
be very serious, are still more uniform and less confounding than an
illness which affects the brain, an organ many many times more complex
than anything else in these bodies of ours.

If you feel totally
down or anxious when reading this then just accept that there is little
that you can do about the way you feel right now to feel instantly
better, although of course things like exercise and certain fast acting
medications can help greatly. But also know that your brain chemistry is
in flux and you are not going to carry on feeling like this forever.
There's no point trying to analyse the way you feel or trying to think
the way out of your depression, anymore than it would make sense to try
and think your way out of diabetes. The depression or anxiety is there,
it is making you feel so bad and when it goes you will feel better. I
realise that we might all have developed depression for different
reasons but I doubt there is one person on this forum that can say that
his or her life circumstances are absolutely unique and that the life he
or she has gone through is worse than that experienced by many of the
millions of people who go through terrible things but don't ever develop
depression.

Accept that the depression or anxiety is there for
now, stop thinking about it and learn to function as best you can even
with the worst depression or anxiety that you have ever felt. And take
hope in the knowledge that this will get better.

Many posters are
also blaming themselves for something that is not in the least their
fault and saying things like 'I feel like a loser', 'I don't feel
worthy', etc, etc. I say to you 'Nonsense!!!' You are just ill. In fact
you are more worthy than most because you're dealing with a horrible
illness and still managing to keep going. Most of you deserve medals, I
tell you that. You're soldiers. Yet because our society is so nasty and
backwards, we are still expected to function as well as people who don't
have depression at all. When I think about how I am, I mean how
functional I am on a good day as compared to a bad day, the gulf between
the two is massive. The bad day Bud cannot possibly hope to compete
with the good day Bud. It's like trying to be in a fight with someone
with one hand tied behind your back. So be realistic and don't be too
hard on yourselves. When you're down then do what you can but don't
expect too much. Be gentle. As for what everyone in your company or your
social circle thinks, to hell with them. They're not experiencing this
and you are. Human beings like to go around feeling superior to others
and judgmental, especially in modern workplaces. Their lack of sympathy,
empathy or understanding is a sad reflection on them, not on you. I
tell you you are all wonderful people and it pains me to see you suffer.
Well maybe right at the moment you can't help the suffering but you can
avoid compounding it.

Let's support each other through this and
take the view that we are in it together. Know that if you post here
you'll get a reply, so however incapable of understanding people in your
lives might be, you'll always have this forum to come to. I don't know
about you but I at least find great solace in that.

Thanks for listening.

B

Generic antidepressant not equivalent to original Wellbutrin: FDA

Sat, Oct 6 2012
(Reuters) - The U.S. Food and Drug Administration said new data indicate that the generic version of the popular antidepressant Wellbutrin is not equivalent to the original drug manufactured by GlaxoSmithKline.
Budeprion XL 300 mg, or bupropion hydrochloride extended-release tablets, are manufactured by Impax Laboratories Inc and marketed by Teva Pharmaceuticals USA Inc.
The FDA, in a notice posted on its website on Wednesday, said it has changed the therapeutic equivalence rating for the product in the agency's Approved Drug Products with Therapeutic Equivalence Evaluations to show that Budeprion XL 300 mg fails to demonstrate therapeutic equivalence to Wellbutrin XL 300 mg.
Impax has requested that the FDA withdraw approval of budeprion XL 300 mg extended-release tablets, the FDA said. Impax and Teva have stopped shipping the product, the agency said. (Reporting by Debra Sherman; Editing by Will Dunham)

http://www.reuters.com

This is what cured my depression permanently and I just want to share it. I do not advise anyone to stop taking counseling or medication without the direction and supervision of a medical professional.

I apologize if I sound blunt or mean, but in order to beat depression permanently with no drugs, counseling or anything harmful to your health or life, there is only one thing I know that really works and it will take some real honesty with yourself. I know this from my own experience. I was diagnosed with clinical depression and tried everything from hotline's, counseling, therapy, medications (pharmaceutical and holistic) as well as illegal drugs, and I was still depressed until I discovered these things about myself and made the following choices.


1. REALIZATION
2. ASSUMING RESPONSIBILITY
3. RELEASING
4. FORGIVING
5. ACKNOWLEDGEMENT
6. TAKING CONTROL

(REALIZATION) - I REALIZED THAT I AM THE CAUSE OF MY OWN THOUGHTS THAT WERE CAUSING MY DEPRESSION  - I could no longer BLAME OTHERS, my past experiences, chemical imbalance or anything else for that matter! There are many things that we have no control of that we can either CHOOSE to be sad about, or we can also CHOOSE to allow those things to make us stronger.

(ASSUMING RESPONSIBILITY) - I ASSUMED RESPONSIBILITY FOR BEING THE ONE TORTURING MYSELF - For whatever the reason I had believed that I deserved to suffer and I made sure that I would suffer at all times with any and all thoughts that were painful. With this knowledge, I learned to let go of self defeating beliefs.

(RELEASING) - I STOPPED DWELLING ON MYSELF - I was so wrapped up with my own thoughts and feelings that I never took into consideration that anyone else or anything else mattered.

(FORGIVING) - WITH THIS NEW UNDERSTANDING, I MADE THE MOST IMPORTANT DECISION OF MY LIFE - I CHOSE that I forgive myself, and everyone who ever wronged me.

( ACKNOWLEDGEMENT) I BEGAN TO LEARN APPRECIATION -  I CHOSE to acknowledge the good in myself, in the world and in others.

(TAKING CONTROL) - I CREATED A REALISTIC GOAL LIST -  I made small goals that were easily obtainable and accomplished just one each day. With each goal that I completed, I developed a sense of accomplishment and that feeling empowered me and gave me the strength and the courage I needed to move forward in my life and to let go of the things I held on to in the past.

THERE IS NO HOPE FOR A BETTER PAST, BUT THERE IS ALWAYS HOPE FOR A BETTER NOW AND A BETTER FUTURE, IF WE CHOOSE TO MAKE IT SO.

It is truly our choices that make or break us.

IT HAS BEEN NINE YEARS NOW AND I AM STILL FREE FROM THE CHAINS OF DEPRESSION GOOD LUCK AND MY BEST WISHES TO YOU ALL !!!

Hi everyone. This is just a post to tell you people that I told my school counsellor about my depression. I'm talking to my parents with her tomorrow. So, yeah, that's about it. Just felt like telling someone.

If you're new to our DF community, taking the step for the first time to post publicly to a message board can sometimes seem daunting, intimidating. Don't be afraid to jump into a discussion once you have registered with us.
We have a very supportive community that serves up heavy doses of support, encouragement and enthusiasm. We love meeting new people and being friendly. While we hope that you'll become an active participant and join in our discussions, you're welcome, of course, to simply hang out silently until you feel more comfortable posting a message.
We are your safe haven and will never judge you. There is no stigma here.  You are not alone.

This Welcome Forum is for a short Introduction to our members/community.  Just click on "New Topic" at the top of the forum to intro yourself.  It is not intended to tell your story or to journal/Blog.  That is saved for the other forums or for your Blog here at the DF which you may create.

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I haven't posted here in almost a year.  I started taking Zoloft one year ago and my life is completely different. Every single apsect of my life is better.  I wanted to share this with you here because for years and years I came to this forum and was often overwhelmed by so many stories about people suffering from this horrible, horrible disease.  I never wanted to belive drugs could work for anyone, so even when I did try one for a few weeks, the side-effects would be too much and I'd give up.

Last year I went through one of those "once in a lifetime breakups" that nearly ended my life. It was through this I discovered my depression was as severe as it can get without needing hospitilization, and this is when I decided I needed to stop taking trazadone (which did hardly anything for me) and get on a stronger, more effective antidepressant.  If only I knew then what I know now...

1) Don't believe ANY placebo antidepressant studies that claim they are ineffective.  Most people in those studies are not clinically depressed and therefore it will have no effect. In my opinion, unless you have actually planned or visualized commiting suicide, you are probably not depressed enough to need medication. Life can be brutal, but just because you are feeling depressed doesn't mean you have a chemical imbalance, which is the only circumstances for a person needing an anti-depressant. They are massivly over-prescribed to patients that have sufficiently functioning brain activity.

2) The internet is the world's greatest resource for complaining and negativity. There are many people doing very well that come here to help, but the vast majority are not doing so well.  This gives the impression to onlookers that everyone with depression feels this way and there is no hope for any of us.

3) These medications are only to get the chemicals flowing, it's up to you find what makes your brain stay healthy and get the most out of the meds you are taking.  For me it's 60% meds and 40% staying hydrated, taking B-complex, Omega 3, staying active and having goals. None of what I have achieved would be possible without Zoloft, but 60% won't get anyone very far, you have to work for the rest.

4) Find a med that works well enough and get on with it.  There is no perfect drug and you will always get depressed from time to time. It's vital to remember how bad things were in the past, and how much better they are on the right meds. Always tell yourself how much worse things could be and count your blessings daily.

5) Fight through the side-effects. If I wasn't so desperate for help during my break-up I never would have stayed on it, plain and simple.  They were aweful and came at the worst possible time in my life but I stuck it out because I didn't want to feel like I was feeling EVER again.


I posted this because I told myself if I ever did get better, I would want others to read about how I got to where I am, rather than just stop posting here and go about living a normal healthy life.  This is only written from my perspective and I have no intentions of stepping on any toes or offending anyone, I just wanted what I have experienced and learned this past year to be known to my fellow sufferers of depression.

Be well,

Ryan

I am off meds! Docs told me I would have to be on for life.
I feel great.
I got a senior job in IT with a crazy (in a good way ;-) salary.
I also fly next month to see my fave tennis player live, having booked VIP seat.


I wanted to give up. To die. It lasted for 2,5 years!

IT'S OVER.

YOU can do it too!!

Henri,

I'm really glad that this post helped, even if only a tiny bit.

It's taken me years to realise the truth of my post. I remember when I had my first (and worst) episode of depression. It was during exams and I was in a terrible, terrible way. What made it even worse was looking at the smiling faces around me and just thinking I was the biggest loser freak to be feeling so utterly despondent and hopeless. How could they cope with the same stress so easily, while I was so destroyed?

Since that time I have found out that many people I have looked up to as being able to cope with anything have actually gone through periods of serious depression themselves. I admire them all the more for it.

For someone who is really depressed or anxious just getting through the day is a massive achievement. Anything we do on top of it should make us really proud of ourselves. That is not to say that I think we should set the bar low. I think people with depression and anxiety are capable of doing remarkable things - all you need to do is to look at the list of famous depression and anxiety sufferers to see that. However there will be periods, sometimes long periods when we're not capable of all that much.

I do think that acceptance of depression, which means recognising that we are sick and therefore less able to operate (be it in a social, work or relationship context), is part of the cure.

I have enormous respect for everyone that posts on this forum because I can see how tough it is to live the lives we are living. Hopefully those lives will return to normal quickly but I know that for some people, myself included, depression is chronic and so we have to learn to live with it, while still taking appropriate steps to vanquish it.

The irony is that a lot of the people out there who truly are worthless probably never even feel worthless for one minute!! There really are some bad human beings out there, wanton in their greed and selfishness. But, not getting a college degree because the depression made it impossible does not make you worthless. Having to go off sick from or quit a job because the anxiety was too much to cope with in a stressful work environment does not make you worthless. Finding it difficult to sustain a loving relationship because every interaction with your partner is coloured by your depression does not make you worthless. Being unable to form or maintain friendships or have confidence with people you're attracted to does not make you worthless.

None of these things make you worthless. In my view the only thing that makes someone worthless is intentionally inflicting emotional or physical pain on another human being, or in my opinion animal, and never stopping to think twice about it until the day you die.

You know that old saying, 'If you think you might be crazy you're probably not?'. Well I think it would be equally true to say 'If you think you might be worthless you're most likely not'. The fact that you are questioning you're own worth means that you're trying and sometimes failing and having to go through hell. That in itself shows enormous worth and spirt. Take pride in it.

If you're new to our community, taking the step for the first time to post publicly to a message board can sometimes seem intimidating. Don't be afraid to jump into a discussion once you have registered with us.
We have a very supportive community that serves up heavy doses of support, encouragement and enthusiasm. We love meeting new people and being friendly. While we hope that you'll become an active participant and join in our discussions, you're welcome, of course, to simply hang out silently until you feel more comfortable posting a message.

This Welcome Topic is for a short Introduction to our members/community.  It is not intended to tell your story or to journal/Blog.  That is saved for the other forums or for your Blog here at the DF which you may create.

***As a new member, you will have the ability to post two active topics in each Forum. You may reply to as many as you wish.
Click on "New Topic" or you may "Reply" to an ongoing post. You will get the hang of it if you have never posted in a forum before.
If you find it necessary to post about a topic that HAS NOT been covered and you have reached your two Topic limit for that particular forum, you will find a SPECIAL NEW MEMBER POSTING AREA on page one in every room. Please feel free to post there if no other topic covers your area of concern.

*An active topic is defined as a topic that is on the front page of our busier forums or a topic that has received replies in the last 48 hours in our quiter forums.

If you are in major crisis you may post your topic in Members Needing Extra Support Now (DEPRESSION - Members Needing Extra Support Now - Members Needing Extra Support Now!).

If you are uncertain how to get around the forums, please click on the  HELP TAB  on the upper right of the page.



~Lindsay, Forum Super Administrator

I just want to say that this forum has helped me a lot since I joined last year and many people here are so incredibly nice and supportive. Thank you all for being so wonderful. I suddenly feel like saying this here because I want to let you know that I have already grown familiar to the presence of many of you and the more I get to know you the more I care about you and want you to be well and be safe. Of course this is different from real life friendships but still we are connected in a unique way and sometimes I think about the people and their sufferings here even when I'm not on the foums. We have helped each other through the darkest times and that really means a lot. Sometimes I doubt if I would still be alive today if I didn't find the generous support here at the times when I needed it the most. For that reason alone I have grown attached, not in a bad way, to this community, regardless of whether it is "real" or not. One thing I know--that we are all real people underneath, and what we are going through is real. So if something happens to any of you, or if anyone here commits suicide, I would be truly, deeply sad. It would be devastating because our fate seems to be connected, via this *%^&*ed ailment. Therefore I wish all of you well,  even though I'm often too weak and selfish to actually do anything. But I do care very much about you, and I'm so very grateful for all you've given me, which is missing in my real life.

*Possible triggers warning. Nevertheless, the end is positive. I don't know how mods feel about it, I am fine with pretty much any kind of edits being done to this post.*

I thought not many people come back to the forum once they feel better, and it's not a good thing, because those of us who are on the bottom do need to see there is a way out.

Almost a year ago my second bout of depression has started. I felt my job was hopeless, and there was no way out. I felt bullied by my boss. I was in a relationship that I myself didn't believe would last, as it was largely based on partying together and taking drugs together. I didn't have a clue what to do with my life, and I felt trapped in a situation that was financially very comfortable, but in all other ways was strangling me. And so I became depressed again, despite thinking my therapy has taken care of all that.

I have posted here about the subsequent breakup, about my mood swings, about leaving the company I worked for for over five years. It is time for me to post about what happened next.

The breakup, I feel, was a very good thing for me. The man who leaves you when you are sick and need help the most is exactly the man you do NOT need in your life. I didn't feel like that when the breakup happened, of course; I was in love, and I was unhappy, and very lonely. I tried to cope with the pain by drinking and taking drugs. And then I discovered something that has suddenly re-shifted the axis of my life entirely.

I had what my mom called "a good job", working as a graphic designer, making lots of money and being respected by the society as having, well, "a good job". It was also ******* me, because it wasn't half as creative as I hoped it would be, and I didn't learn anything new in the last two years of it, but I stuck through because I had a mortgage, and because the economy is bad, and because I liked my colleagues. Two members of my family died within the first four months of 2011, and I agonised about being unable to help in any way possible. My brother's wife gave birth to twins in the sixth month of pregnancy, and I agonised about being unable to help in any way possible. Ultimately I ended up spending entire days fending off suicidal thoughts, unable to work, unable to go out of my house, unable to sustain a conversation, unable to put on socks in less than an hour. This was 10 months ago. I felt hopeless, I had no hope left, I thought nothing good can possibly come my way. How wrong I was.

When medication finally started to work, my relationship was pretty much over. I refused to take drugs with my boyfriend, but still, after the breakup, ended doing it because I saw no way out. I thought, the medication works now, I should be 'fixed'. But of course that's not how it works. You need to be fixed inside your soul, be that through God, through meditation, through therapy, through love, through volunteer work... For me, it was what most of you will probably find an unusual way.

I mentioned to a guy I was casually dating that I was always interested in blacksmithing. I never did anything about it, I mean, I was a graphic designer, this just didn't seem realistic. It wasn't even a dream, it was just a laughable idea. Yet, he told me that there was a blacksmith two hours away by train, giving workshops. After two weeks I gathered enough courage to contact him, and I went, and I did the workshop. At the end of the day my muscles were aching, my hands were (literally) bleeding, blisters managed to form, wear off and get covered in coal and iron dust. Yet I didn't care about the pain, because I felt something special tingling in my soul. I have discovered THE reason to go on.

My Christmas was awful. Some members of my family don't accept me being gay, and it was never more obvious than this Christmas. I got home on the 27th, and I took drugs which almost killed me -- they were possibly fatal when combined with my medication, but I felt so bad that I took them fully realising what could happen. And as I was lying in bed, unable to control my muscles, feeling that I am falling asleep and if I do indeed fall asleep I won't wake up ever again, I only could think about one thing: WHY AM I DOING THIS TO MYSELF? I want to be a blacksmith, I thought. And I repeated that to myself, as my body was shaking uncontrollably. Again and again and again and again, for two hours, until the horrible feeling of dying has passed, and I was in control of my body yet again. And I used that body, once I could get out of bed, to get up, pick up all remaining drugs in my stash and throw them in the toilet.

In January I have done a basic course of blacksmithing that took two weeks in the country of my origin. I followed that up by networking in the country where I currently reside, which, miraculously, gave amazing fruit. I now work every week in a smithy in my new hometown, and I am learning at rapid pace. I have started a blog about it -- anyone interested can PM me for the link. I am unemployed, on benefits, much worse off financially than a year ago. I am also excited, extremely happy, constantly coming up with new creative ideas. Suddenly it is easy to network, easy to learn, and all the new knowledge makes me feel younger, positive and ALIVE. It's been less than four months since I have -- realistically -- attempted to **** myself with drugs. It's been less than four months since what wasn't even a dream has become reality. And my life has never been better than it is now.

I am still on antidepressants, and sometimes side effects pop up, like for instance being unable to sleep. Not to mention the weight gain of 15 kg that has stayed with me. It doesn't matter. I have a long-term goal. I have a LIFE rather than pointless existence. I am crazy about my new choice of profession, about the new way my life goes. And I realise I needed depression, in a way. If not for the depression, if not for the burnout resulting in me being unable to do what I did all my life, I would have never been able to discover my real passion. It was the ultimate kick in the ***, that put me on the crossroads with one arrow saying "DEATH" and one saying "REAL LIFE". I chose the latter, and life has been a rollercoaster since then -- one that goes up and up and up.

It's been less than four months since I wanted to die, and I have never wanted life more than I do now. Every day is an adventure. I go places, I meet people, I send emails, I make phone calls, I made my own blacksmith hammer, I worked using that hammer. For me, there has never been anything half as fulfilling as that. I have never lived a life more full than this. Yes, I am poor, I can't afford drugs or going out three times a week or new clothes. I don't care. A year ago I could afford all those things, but I couldn't find a way to be happy. I have proved to myself and everyone around that money REALLY doesn't make you happy.

And... in December I met a man. He makes chainmail, which I found interesting as an aspiring blacksmith, as I thought pretty much any kind of metal work could be useful. I did a workshop with him, and I discovered it wasn't really my thing -- not as enjoyable as I thought, really. But I also discovered he was very interesting to talk to, very creative, a great artist, and... a great kisser. And slowly we started seeing each other for reasons entirely unconnected to chainmail. Since April 1 we are officially a couple, and I am crazy in love. And the same intuition that told me my previous relationship wouldn't last, now tells me this one is for good. He makes me happy, and he inspires me. He takes me places, shows me things, and enhances and enriches my life without help of drugs (he's never done any and doesn't intend to).

10 months ago I was in the abyss of hell. Right now I am happier than I have ever been. It can happen. Yes, I realise my way out has been perhaps somewhat different to what yours will be. But ultimately, it was about finding the reason to live. A year ago I had no reason to live, and I wasn't living, I existed. This year I am living a life fuller than ever. There is so much to discover, so much to learn, and I wake up, for the first time in years, thrilled about the fact new day has arrived and I can get out of bed and do things again.

I'd like to give a big, big blacksmith hug ;) to everyone here. You are probably on the forums, because you feel like I have 10 months ago (and 9, and 8, and 7, and 6, and 5 to be honest). There is a way out. I can't tell you what it is, and how long it will take before you find it. But... whenever you think it isn't there... re-read my post. I honestly didn't think I could ever feel alive again in June 2011. And now? I can't wait to see what I will be up to in June 2012.

It gets better. And I pray to Thor (he's got a hammer, you know) that you will discover that as quickly as possible.

Big love, everyone. Special greetings to LaurynJCat and CottonRox.

1. Bought some scented candles
2. Bought a dark chocolate bar (low in sugar)
3. Got some comfort foods at the store

I stayed sober.  I have been sober for 54 days now.
I walked 4 miles.
I feel happy.

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I hate you.

 

No, hate is too meager a word. I despise you. I abhor you. I detest everything about you.

 

These are all negative feelings because they are the only emotions that you allow me to experience. It's ironic, isn't it, for how can I tell you that I love you or admire you or respect you when you make it impossible to know what those emotions feel like? I tell my friends and family that I love them, because I know in my heart that I truly do, but you won't ever let me experience what love feels like on the inside. Do you know how horrible it feels when a loved one grows upset because you are completely incapable of expressing your emotions to them genuinely? Do you know how much pain you cause others because you feel it's necessary to imprison me to a lifetime of detachment?

 

Well, listen up. You're not only hurting me. You hurt everyone I care about.

 

There are so many wonderful people who truly admire me and want my compassion, but you have plagued me with an inability to feel anything for them. I can not share a smile with a loved one and genuinely feel that emotion in my gut. I can merely respond to physical stimuli and fake physical conveyances of emotion, but you won't ever let me experience them for myself.

 

Why do you refuse to allow me to live? Life isn't meant for someone to lie in bed all day, be terrified to answer a phone or check an email, ignore the texts and calls from friends, be completely unable to experience love. People are supposed to get butterflies in their stomach when they're around people they love. That's something you won't ever allow me to experience. All I can do is hurt people because you won't let me experience what they experience.

 

Please, I'm begging you, to let me and others go. We don't deserve this. We are good human beings who only want to be able to derive pleasure out of simple things. We're not asking to be rich, successful or famous. What we are asking is for a single moment, a minute, or two, to be surrounded by our loved ones and to feel HAPPY because of it. 

 

Let us go. We can't live in this misery anymore.

I looked around and I believe I have posted this in the right forum. I also looked at the forum guidelines and I hope that this is something that is ok to post on. Not sure if this has been discussed before on this forum but my hope is that it will help a lot of people by bringing understanding.

 

Hopefully people can open up and talk about their depression and how it relates to their gender and ethnicity.

 

Personally, I'm a black man and I live in America. I'm 33 years old. I've struggled with depression since I was about 15, and fear/anxiety for as long as I can remember. In my family it is very taboo to mention depression and fear. There's a couple family members who are open to mention and discuss it but more who are scared to and deny it. I believe many people are depressed in my family. My family has a history of mental illness, dating back from what I know to the 19th century. I believe many people in my family died and will die with much more suffering than they have to simply because they deny and don't seek help for their depression and chronic sadness that they can't control.

 

I'm speaking for myself. As a black man in America, it seems to be extremely hard to relate to other African Americans about depression or even talk about it. There is a stigma of shame and weakness attached to it and this causes a lot of black people to be in denial in order to not look weak. I believe this is rooted in our history of slavery here in America and how we were made to be 'less than' and 'weak'. This stigma, I believe, causes a lot of black people to hide and deny help. I know there are other reasons, I'm just pointing out the main one that I believe hinders the black community as a whole from seeking help.

 

There are also stigmas and myths about men and depression. They're similar as to what was mentioned up above. From what I see, the stigma of a man being depressed seems to be that he is weak, can not provide, can not handle responsibility, can not lead, etc. A lot of men deny admission of depression for fear that it will diminish their manhood and attributes associated with it (strength, provider, protector, responsibility, leader etc). These stigmas are all false and based on fear. The reality is that it takes courage and strength and leadership to admit that you're depressed.

 

I can not speak for women but I assume the stigmas are not that different. Any women care to elaborate?

 

Everybody, please share about your experience with your depression, etc and how it relates to your gender and ethnicity. How was it like in your family, your culture, your community? What are the stigmas attached and where did they come from? What have you experienced are the stigmas attached to depression and your gender?

 

I hope this helps bring understanding to help us all as the human race.

1) Mum's leukeamia went into remission

2) Mum's leukeamia went into remission

3) Mum's leukeamia went into remission